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From the very moment I was old enough to know my own name, I knew my brother had been taken from us. I slept next to an empty crib, then an empty bed. I studied next to an empty desk, I ate next to an empty dining chair, I sat next to an empty throne. All my life, I knew there was an entire person missing from it. A hole in all our lives.
When I was ten, my parents, the King and Queen, had my lost brother’s throne deconstructed. The absence, mother had said, was getting to her. The empty desk was removed from the study. The empty bed was moved to an empty room, full of gold and beautiful things, if one day he found his way back to us. I spent many nights in that empty room, dreaming of when he would come back.
I could never have prepared for the way my life would’ve changed at thirteen. Barely after my birthday, with my parents assured that the trip would be swift and simple, I was sent to Liyue to meet with diplomats. Looking back, it’s either laughable or horrifically disgusting that my parents would authorize a trip like that for their only child when she’d just barely turned thirteen. You would think that they would’ve had some kind of blind paranoia by then, after having one of their children snatched from under their noses. But no, that only came after I was assaulted.
There is a custom for the Royal Family, it’s something many families of nobility follow all over the world of Teyvat, which is to ask for the Blessing of an Archon after your coronation. However, in times of strife and distress, families will sometimes send their children to the Archonic Chamber early to ask for an Archon’s Blessing.
The succession of events was dizzying; I was sent on a mission, my first trip outside Mondstadt, alone to boot. Then I was assaulted on my way back, my long hair cut, the magic whose characteristics were unknown to us at the time drained from it. Then, upon returning, my parents all but shoved me into the Archonic Chamber with frantic instructions on how to ask for power and what not to say.
Mother had asked me to ask for power from Focalors, the Archon of Water and Justice. Father had asked me to ask for power from Murata, the Archon of Fire and War. Through my own studies, I had already decided who I would ask for power from long before this moment. Baal, Archon of Lightning and Eternity.
Baal’s lightning entered through the crown of my head, exiting my palms. I still wear gloves to this day to hide the scars. Where the lightning entered, I have a small scar, hidden by my hair. It is shaped like Baal’s sigil, three outward arching bolts of lightning. I’ve never shown it to Aether, I don’t think I ever will.
After I was Blessed with Baal’s power, I was thrown right into training. Physical training, alongside my normal education and training for ruling one day. Rigorous training, every day, from sunrise to sunset. And between that, I was painted to look like a perfect princess next to my parents when I needed to be. Everything was a farce, and I would soon understand that.
The next occurrence, my father’s bloodlust for those who disturbed the peace. There was a reason my father wanted me to ask Murata for her power. She was the Archon of war, and what was more powerful than war? When reports of theft in the city got worse and worse, my father went from authorizing arrests straight to authorizing lethal force. He went straight to appointing me Commander of the Knights. A thirteen year old child. Expected to stand taller than the grown men who served under her.
Kaeya Alberich, also a grown man by that time, had cowered at the edge of my blade. My armor at that time was made to make me look more muscular than I was yet. My hair, tied up and pinned down tightly, shimmering in the sun. The dress of plating, with heavy woven fabric underneath to keep anything sharp from reaching my body. My sword shone in the light, and I let Baal’s protective fury flow through me.
I had fully prepared myself to take his life at that moment. I had prepared myself, asking Baal to take my sight from me so that I wouldn’t have to see myself take a life. I had forced myself to see them, thieves, as something other than human. If I did that, then I could do what was expected of me. I could kill when asked, make an example of those that were especially troublesome.
But that day, with Alberich at the end of my sword, I hesitated. I raised my sword over my head, with citizens and Knights alike around us, and I paused for just a moment. In that moment, I begged for something to take this moment from me, to save this man’s life. And my plea was answered by who I now know was Jean Gunnhildr. Once they were gone, I hesitated once more, feeling my body flood with relief, before ordering the Guard after them.
Thirteen was the year my life changed for the worse, for sure. But ever since then, I filled myself with apathy to keep myself safe. It’s selfish and horrible. I have killed many men for crimes as petty as theft of produce. I have seen men hanged for crimes as horrible as rape. I have ordered arrests for crimes as complex as attempted abduction of a child in an attempt to get the child out of an abusive household. I have covered up the origins of half the people I thought were my friends. I have realized that I never had any friends but Noelle.
When I turned eighteen, I thought nothing would change. Kaeya Alberich had the gall to steal my likely dead brother’s crown, so I ordered him executed for it. I was the one that signed that order, as Commander and General of the Knights. I signed it twice.
But that changed. My brother was not dead, and nor was he the person I expected him to be. He was far more that I could’ve ever imagined. Though it took me time, I have finally come to understand that Aether, for all his hardened shells and spiky spines, would not be who he is without those cautious parts of himself. And when it matters most, he is there for me. When I struggle, he is there with a cup of tea and a story. When I cry, he is there with a shoulder and soft soothing words. When I am angry, he is there with a steady gaze and a reminder to never let rage rule your decisions. He is my equal in every way, the bright rays of daylight to my never-ending night. I can only hope I am there for him the way he is there for me.