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“JJ, put that down.”
It was instinctive. It was a feeling creeping up the back of John B’s neck.
“How do you know I’m even holding anything, man?”
John B was in another room.
Like he says–it was a feeling. Whenever JJ was eerily quiet, John B’s brother instinct kicks in and he just knew something was happening.
Even when he was in another room.
John B laughed. “I’ve known you too long.”
He joined JJ in the living room, leaving his bedroom to collapse on the sofa in a huff. JJ was sitting up on the wooden floor, his back against the sofa’s arm, handling a glass snow globe very carefully as an unlit joint hung from his lips. “Where did you get that?” John B asked, looking down at JJ on the floor.
JJ said nothing but pointed in front of him to the mantelpiece.
John B didn’t even know he owned it.
“You can keep it if you want.” John B told him, giving him a winning smile. “If you take care of it.”
JJ glanced up at the boy on the sofa above him and grinned.
He flipped the globe around again and watched the white flakes drift to the globe’s snow covered ground. There was a tiny log cabin inside with a few tall trees dotted around it, a serene little scene that JJ wished he could go into.
He had never seen snow.
“Really?”
John B smiled again. “Of course, dude. Didn’t even know I had it ‘til just now. Go nuts.” John B gestured toward the joint in JJ’s mouth and plucked it from his lips, grabbing a lighter from the cluttered coffee table and slowly bringing the open flame to the joint’s end.
“When are the others getting here?” JJ asked.
John B’s speech was impaired around the joint. “Pope said he’s getting here soon, don’t know about Kie.”
JJ nodded, his focus going back to the snow globe.
As if their names summoned their bodies, the Chateau door opened with a gentle thwack against the wall.
“Hey!” Kie smiled, holding her school rucksack in one hand and a can of Coke in the other. She tipped her head to one side as she saw the lit joint between John B’s forefinger and thumb. “You guys started without us?”
“Only just.” John B replied, his grin contagious and she fell into the house, lifting up John B’s legs from the couch and sliding herself under them.
Pope was still in the doorway, his rucksack still on secured to his back. His hands tightened around the straps as JJ looked up at him. Kie and John B were talking enthusiastically about something–probably a teacher from school they both hated when John B bothered to go–but Pope had a crease between his brow.
JJ said nothing but mirrored his expression, and that must have made Pope realise his thoughts were a little too loud, especially in a room with JJ: Pope’s thought reader extraordinaire.
“You good?” JJ finally spoke, and Pope nodded, an easy smile appearing on his face. He walked over to where JJ was sitting on the floor and took a seat next to him, tucking himself between JJ’s body and Kie’s legs that were resting over the sofa, feet planted to the floor.
“What’s that?” Pope asked, looking at the glass sphere being twirled gently.
“Snow globe,” JJ muttered with a smile, “John B said I could have it.”
Pope’s eyes gestured upward to John B with no real intention to look at him properly and JJ’s smile must have been contagious because Pope began smiling too. The globe was offered to Pope and he gazed at it from every angle, twisting it with the most careful movements JJ had ever seen performed by another person. Pope was handling it like it was an injured young bird.
“It’s really pretty.” Pope mumbled, and JJ almost thought he wasn’t supposed to hear it until Pope glanced toward him and smiled again–quieter this time, close-mouthed with a little twinkle in his eye.
“I gotta take care of it.” JJ told him.
“For sure,” Pope peered closer at the little house inside. “This is one of a kind. Is that your cabin?”
“Yup.” JJ confirmed. “J’s cabin. Only the best are allowed in.”
Pope chuckled. “Do I count?”
“Duh.”
JJ wasn’t sure whether it was the second-hand weed or the fact the sun was shining into the Chateau at such an angle that Pope glowed, but he felt warm inside. A heat radiating onto him that it felt like it could be June forever, encompassing and new. Like nothing would stop the summer months coming and engulfing them all in its arms.
Kie spoke to the room, and it tore JJ out of his thoughts for a moment. “Pope, you said you had something to tell us right?”
That crease came again. The one between his eyebrows.
JJ wanted to press his thumb there and squash whatever worries were swirling around his mind.
“Yeah.” He replied with a stony finality.
Something else settled in the air–something sour and cold.
John B chuckled, but it was forced. He could feel the toxicity in the air too, and was trying to make light of it. They could all hear it. Where would they be without their Routledge boy? “Don’t leave us hanging, bubba. What’s up?”
Pope shifted uncomfortably on the floor, his hands still slowly spinning the snow globe. His eyes were far away, JJ knew that stare like the back of his hand. There was a moment of quiet where no one knew whether to speak.
Pope broke the quiet. “I’m not gonna be here this summer.” He spat out, not wanting to stretch it out. “Or next year.”
The silence drilled on.
Kie took her turn to break it. “Why not?”
Pope swallowed a particularly large emotion. “I passed my exams early and they know I’ll do well in the interview, so they’re sending me to school in California this summer.”
California.
“So... you’re skipping a year of school?” Kie asked. She seemed to be the only one who could ask him questions.
“Yeah, they’re fast tracking me.” Pope said with a slight nod of his head. “I mean, I’m 17 at the end of the year so... It’s only a year ahead. They think it’ll be really good for me.”
“Why the summer, though?”
Kie, again.
“It’s a summer school they’re paying for me to attend so I don’t feel like I’m behind the other older students.” Pope told them, but it felt like he was only speaking to her. “Although they told me it’s more of a refresher and foundation course and some of the older kids are going too.”
“God, Pope...” John B muttered. “You’re really going places, huh?”
Pope laughed at that, but it wasn’t all warm. There was something self-depreciating about it.
JJ was still too stunned.
“So, you’re just leaving?”
JJ didn’t realise he was speaking until it left his mouth. He couldn’t control his anger, even though he wasn’t really angry. He was disappointed and his chest felt hollowed, but he didn’t know any other way to feel. He supposed his dad left him that gift.
“Well, I’m not going for three weeks–”
JJ stood up.
“You’ve got three weeks ‘til you’re shipped off hundreds of miles away?”
“J, wait–”
JJ shook his head with a disbelieving laugh. “How could you just leave us, Pope?”
The warmth of the sun no longer reached the Chateau. JJ felt like the shadows were forming just to shroud him.
JJ left the room before he knew what he was doing, and he heard Kiara mutter ‘let him go’ as he slammed John B’s bedroom door. He stormed over to the bed and threw himself onto the mattress, face buried in the pillows as he let out a scream that had been building for longer than he realised.
Pope was leaving. Pope was leaving him. For over a year. Just like that. He was going to be whisked away to some big university and make new friends, and he was going to realise what a shitty place the Outer Banks truly was–and he was never going to return to the Cut, because why would he? There’s a wide world out there to explore, so why would Pope ever want to return to a town where all there was was the ocean and Kie’s parent’s restaurant? Where there was just mosquitoes, humidity and yellowing skies followed by thunderstorms that ripped apart boats and destroyed lives?
Where all there was was his friends who loved him more than anything, who wanted to see Pope succeed more than anyone else?
Where all there was was a boy who loved him unconditionally? A boy who would do anything to keep Pope safe?
JJ wasn’t enough to bring him back.
JJ couldn’t bring his mother back, so maybe he wasn’t enough for anybody.
The pillow under his face was soft and smelt like sea salt, and soon enough the tears that escaped his eyes were subsiding and his cries were quieter. Like being at home but with less fear.
JJ thought about his home.
Pope was still holding his snow globe.
––––––––––
There was a gentle wrap at the door and JJ came up from his sleep that he didn’t realise he slipped into.
“J?” Came an even gentler voice and the door creaked open.
JJ lifted his head from the pillow and realised the room was dark. He glanced at the radio clock on the nightstand. 8:52pm.
“Are you awake?” The voice whispered a little louder and JJ fumbled for the light switch, missing wildly and knocking a bunch of empty beer cans to the wooden floor of John B’s bedroom with a jarring clatter.
The voice laughed. “I’ll take that as a yes.”
JJ finally found the switch and clicked it on, the room being cast into a warm yellow glow against the imposing darkness outside. The window was open and a calming breeze was flowing in and out. As JJ woke from his sleep, he felt a ripple of peace for a moment before he realised who was speaking, and he realised why he was in John B’s bed, and realised why his eyes itched from the dried tears.
Pope took a tentative step into the room, closing the door firmly behind him. He walked slowly over to the bed and sat on the edge of it, JJ still lying down, one arm stretched and holding the light switch, the other flush to his side.
They sat in silence for a moment, the only sound around them being the chirping cicadas in the trees outside, their whirring calls floating through the open window. JJ rubbed his eyes with one hand, slowly sitting himself up and settling himself next to Pope as their feet planted firmly to the floor.
Pope sighed, and JJ felt the sound in his own chest. “I’m sorry that I upset you.”
“You didn’t, Pope–” JJ tried to say, but Pope wasn’t in the mood.
“No, I did, J.” Pope tapped his toes against the floor twice before continuing. “I know this situation isn’t ideal, and I’m sorry I’m leaving.”
It was only at that moment JJ saw the snow globe sitting to Pope’s right on the bed spread.
“If I had a choice I wouldn’t go to the summer school, but they’re paying and said it would be good for me, and my parents want me to go.” Pope frowned. “I don’t want to disappoint them, either.”
“You don’t gotta explain it to me, man.” JJ said automatically. He didn’t mean it. In the darkness behind him and the light in front of him, he wanted everything and deserved nothing. He was owed no explanation by anyone, especially not by Pope. He was going to do great things out there, and JJ wasn’t allowed to stop that. It wasn’t his place. But JJ wanted to.
Oh how JJ wanted to stop him.
“Yeah, but I want to.” Pope assured him, keeping his arms between his legs.
JJ nodded to himself. “I appreciate that, thanks.”
Pope had never heard JJ sound less like himself. He was being quiet in all the wrong ways.
“I guess there’s nothing we could say to stop you?” JJ asked him, half-joking with a smile that didn’t match his tone. “Nothing to keep you here in the Pogue life?”
“I’ll always be a Pogue, J.” Pope told him, a fondness in his voice. “But no, I don’t think anyone could do anything to keep me here.”
JJ’s mind flashed a few images he shook away. He shifted a little in his seat against John B’s overly comfortable orange bedspread. “Not anything I could do?”
Pope gave him a sidelong look that lasted a second too long, and an easy grin spread across his face for a moment before it vanished into the shadows. Pope’s breathing evened out before he shook his head. “Sorry, J.”
If JJ was a different person, if he wasn’t JJ Maybank, he would probably kiss Pope right now. Kiss him and ask if that was reason to stay. Complicate everything three weeks too early and regret it every day until Pope returned. Kiss him and let his long fingers explore wherever Pope wanted them to until the sun rose. If JJ was a different person, he would allow himself to do it. To just lean in. Just kiss him. Just place a hand to Pope’s hip and press his thumb down, and let whoever was in the clouds decide the rest.
But JJ wasn’t a different person.
JJ Maybank was JJ Maybank.
And JJ Maybank was a coward. He always would be.
“It’s all good, bro.” His voice was wobbly as he spoke. “It was a long shot anyway.”
Pope huffed a laugh–or maybe it was a small sigh–and reached to the right of him, passing the snow globe back to the blonde boy who was still coming back from the effects of a five hour nap in the middle of the day.
“This is yours.”
Pope gently rolled the snow globe into JJ’s open palms with a soft smile. “I took care of it while you were sleeping.”
JJ couldn’t help but allow a small smile to creep onto his own face. “Thank you, Dr. Spock. I owe you one.”
A shrug followed these words and Pope nudged JJ’s knee with his own. JJ nudged back, and soon enough they were knocking knees hard enough that shoulders got involved.
And before they knew it, they were wrestling on John B’s bed.
Pope had placed the snow globe on the floor. That was why JJ loved Pope.
They wrestled and laughed and soon enough, they were gripping to each other like life rafts. JJ had started crying and Pope immediately stopped, thinking JJ was reminded of his father at the hands of himself and a rotten guilt washed over him. But no, it was not Luke Maybank.
It was Pope Heyward.
It was the fact Pope Heyward was leaving the Outer Banks. The fact Pope Heyward was leaving the Pogues. The fact Pope Heyward was leaving him. Him. Pope was never supposed to leave JJ like his mother did.
Pope sat on his shins, holding JJ’s face in his soft palms. JJ cried and struggled against his grip, but eventually he gave in and allowed himself to feel the Heyward boy’s hands against his face.
This was not how JJ wanted to feel Pope’s hands.
“JJ, what’s the matter?”
He felt like a child.
“You can’t leave.”
Pope’s face broke, and he leant forward and pressed a kiss to JJ’s sweaty forehead. His hair was sticking up from his nap and it hadn’t settled yet, but he rubbed his thumbs against JJ’s face as the tears continued to drift down his cheeks. As Pope’s lips left his forehead, the burning continued.
“I won’t be gone forever, JJ.”
His name. JJ came back to himself at that, realising how vulnerable he had become without his permission.
“Sorry, I don’t mean to cry.” JJ admitted, smiling sheepishly in Pope’s palms.
Pope shook his head. “Don’t apologise.”
There was a moment where JJ almost leant in and betrayed himself. Almost kissed the beautiful boy in front of him whose shirt was a little crumpled from where they were fighting. One side of him was shadowed, the other glowing from the yellow lamp light. JJ wanted to know every side of him.
Pope reached down and grabbed the snow globe.
“It’s still safe.”
JJ smiled. He missed Pope’s hands on his face.
He held the snow globe in his hands, twisting it again and again. The snow always fell. “I want to see snow, someday.” JJ said into the air, absentmindedly.
“I’m sure you will.”
JJ looked up at Pope, and he met dark eyes that seemed to encompass him whole. “I bet it’ll snow in California.” He wished he wasn’t a coward. He wished he could just kiss the figure in front of him before he vanished into echoes and nothing was left.
Quiet.
“I have something for you.” Pope told him, and JJ almost declined. He had already been given the snow globe. What else was there for him to take?
JJ swallowed his actions. “Okay.”
Pope reached into his pocket and pulled out a little silver drawstring bag. It was the size of Pope’s palm, but in the uneven lighting, JJ couldn’t see what was inside.
“Are you sure?” JJ asked and Pope nodded, gesturing for him to take the bag.
JJ gingerly took the bag from Pope’s hand and pulled the strings, releasing the item inside into his open palm.
It was a necklace.
A black shark tooth necklace.
“Yo...” JJ accidentally let slip in awe. “Pope, this is sick!”
Pope laughed at his phrasing and a real smile appeared on his face. “Yeah, it’s yours.”
“You’re certain you want to give this to me?” JJ asked, already unclipping the silver clasp to hold it out fully. The black shark tooth was held on with silver wire against the black string thread. It was beautiful yet simple.
“Of course.” Pope replied.
“Did you get gifts for anyone else?” JJ questioned, and the look Pope gave him said enough. There was something lurking behind his eyes and JJ wanted to set it free in the dark of the room.
“I see how it is.” JJ said to the silence with a laugh and put the necklace around his neck, unable to close it himself. Pope huffed a chuckle at his attempt. “Little help?”
Pope laughed louder this time and nudged JJ’s fingers out the way so he could twist the necklace around to the front of JJ’s throat and find the silver clasps. He fitted the necklace so it hung comfortably around JJ’s neck, not before brushing his knuckle against JJ’s Adam’s apple.
They didn’t make eye contact. JJ’s eyes were held on the ceiling and Pope’s eyebrows furrowed in concentration. It was hard to see in the dark.
“There.” Pope muttered, happy with the positioning. He spun it back around and admired the necklace. Admired the boy in front of him who wore this sheepish, embarrassed smile as Pope scrutinised him, eyes drifting all over the figure who sat cross-legged on the bed opposite him.
JJ held the tooth between his fingers and smoothed it over. “Does it look good?”
Pope was quiet for a moment.
“Okay yikes Pope, if it looks that bad just tell me, no need to dramatise it!” JJ protested with a laugh and Pope shook his head, a smile etching its way to his lips as JJ giggled.
“No, sorry, I was lost in thought.” That sheepish smile again. “It looks great. Honest!” Pope assured as JJ rolled his eyes.
“Whatever you say,” JJ replied, but there was a little glint in his eye as the last of the laughter ebbed away. “I’ll wear it every day.”
“I’m glad you like it.”
Quiet JJ came back, and Pope wanted loud, overwhelming JJ back who never knew when to take the hint and shut his mouth. “Of course.”
Silence enveloped them again.
“I have nothing to give you, though.” JJ suddenly said aloud, catching Pope’s eyes as he fiddled with the new necklace around his neck.
“No, J, you don’t need to. You didn’t even know I was going to give this to you.” Pope spoke with security, and JJ wanted to drink that assurance. He was the only voice JJ knew wouldn’t lie to him. “It’s just a surprise gift you don’t have to repay me.”
Surely Pope should have known JJ wouldn’t take that.
“Sorry, no can do, Pope.” JJ told him, “I’ll get you something before you leave, to remember me by.”
Pope shook his head with an exasperated smile and shared it with JJ, leaving the blond boy scrunching his nose for a moment in lieu of a grin.
“You’re unbelievable, J.”
“I know.”
––––––––
The world around them settled and soon enough they were talking about everything and nothing.
JJ reckoned Kie had gone home and John B was giving her a ride since nobody had disturbed them and it was already 10:12pm. JJ wondered if Pope’s parents were letting him stay over or if Pope was simply delaying the inevitable.
JJ would give him a lift home–he had driven here on his bike. He missed when him and Pope hop on the bike and go to the break to watch the waves or surf them, depending on the time of day. JJ hadn’t told anybody this, but the nights when him and Pope would watch the waves in comfortable quiet were his favourite: just them, the glittering sky and the lapping water. Who knew what lives people lived on the other side of the ocean? JJ loved the endless possibilities at where the water had been.
They were squished in John B’s twin size bed, heads on the pillow as their conversations drifted between laughter and quiet whispers. They had turned the side lamp off so the room was only lit by the moon. The window was still open and the snow globe sat on JJ’s stomach, falling and rising with his breathing. He felt at peace. He tried to ignore the fact Pope was leaving, and he tried to ignore the burning in his stomach.
He had ignored it for years now. It should have gotten easier, but it never does.
“I am very tired.” JJ said aloud when the room went quiet again. He enunciated every word clearly and it made Pope huff a laugh.
“Go to sleep then.”
JJ shook his head. “I can’t.”
“Why not?”
“I gotta be awake when you’re here because you’ll be gone soon.”
Pope said nothing.
“Gotta make the most of it.”
Pope still said nothing.
“Pope?”
Quiet.
“Yeah?”
“Are you gonna miss us?”
Pope said nothing again–but this time it was clear Pope was taking his time in answering. Even though the answer was evident.
“Of course I will.”
JJ nodded.
“Are you gonna miss me?”
Pope didn’t wait this time. “Yes, J. I will miss you a lot.” It should have sounded sarcastic, but coming from Pope’s lips in the gentle darkness around them, it felt like balm to a burn.
JJ decided in a flash moment that he didn’t care anymore. “You’ll meet a lot of new people.”
Pope hummed in agreement.
“Maybe you’ll make new friends.”
Pope shrugged awkwardly in the small space. “Yeah, but you guys are family. It won’t be the same.”
“I guess so.”
Pope sighed. It was the weight of a stone, sitting heavy on his chest. “What will it take for you to believe me? That I won’t forget you guys?”
It was JJ’s turn to be silent.
“That I won’t forget you?”
There was a simple answer and a complex answer. To the English language, they were both the same.
“JJ.” Pope was being serious now. JJ didn’t like it.
“Forget it.”
Pope shook his head and lifted himself up to rest on one elbow. He loomed over JJ, and in the moonlight through the window he had a silvery glow surrounding his edges. Despite the darkness in the room, Pope’s eyes glimmered and the dark irises filled with stars. Maybe JJ just saw his potential.
“Tell me how I can convince you.”
For the first time, their eyes met. There was a conversation happening in the silence and if they strained their ears enough, they could almost catch it.
Pope placed his hand on the snow globe on JJ’s stomach that was moving more rapidly as they stared at each other. The snow globe stilled. JJ was holding his breath.
“You can’t, Pope.”
Eyes drifted to lips. A hand drifted up JJ’s chest slowly, burning its way through the fabric as it went to find its place on JJ’s jaw.
“You’re so beautiful, J.” Pope whispered as if he were in a church. There was something awed behind his tone and JJ wanted to bottle it and hear it echoing in his ears forever. Pope’s thumb ran across JJ’s cheek for the second time that night.
The eye contact suddenly felt too intense, like Pope was observing his soul right there on the mattress.
JJ smiled at him. It was small and intimate and painful.
“Kiss me, Pope.” JJ said.
He was tired of being a coward. It was now or it would be never, and Pope would move on. In some cracked, broken way, they both deserved their happy endings–whether that was here on this mattress or miles away in a medical school. JJ deserved to feel loved for a moment and Pope deserved to feel loved for a lifetime, but now would have to do.
“Are you sure?” Pope asked, leaning down, only inches away from JJ’s lips.
JJ nodded and lifted his head.
Their mouths met, and JJ couldn’t help but hold Pope’s clothed bicep. His skin was warm under the fabric and his lips were soft and tasted like mint. Pope must have been chewing gum.
He thought he would feel fireworks in his stomach, like a sick relief, but there wasn’t. The low simmering heat ebbed on and JJ just wanted to live in this moment with Pope cradling his head and threading his fingers through the shark necklace.
They kissed and kissed and kissed until JJ had to pull away and let his head flop against the pillows.
The look Pope was giving him made his spine run cold. The crease was back in his eyebrows, biting at the inside of his lip.
JJ couldn’t help wanting to self-sabotage. “What?”
Pope said nothing. He simply placed his hand on JJ’s hip, finding the bone and moving his thumb in circles around the jutting point.
JJ’s thoughts faltered, and this question came out a little more strangled. “What?”
Pope asked him something without speaking.
“Are you sure?”
Pope nodded. And JJ nodded. And the world seemed to agree with them, too. JJ gave him a smile that could have led to him crying, but instead he just smiled. Pope smiled back at him, taking the snow globe from JJ’s stomach and flipping it once.
“I’m sorry for leaving, J.”
JJ found the button of his shorts and began to kick himself out of them. “Live in the now, Pope, or else it’ll pass you by without realising.”
“Very wise.”
JJ laughed, all teeth and throat. “They say I am wise.”
“Who’s they?”
JJ shrugged like it was obvious. “Everyone.”
Pope gave him a little grin. JJ gave him one back. And when JJ had lost some clothes, he kissed Pope again, and again, and again.
And soon enough their little cabin in the snow globe was theirs, and theirs alone.
–––––––––
“I got you a gift.”
Pope looked up from where his bag was being packed.
He was leaving in five days.
JJ leant his weight against one side of the doorway, his hands behind his back. “Close your eyes.”
Pope did as he was told and closed them, palms out, standing very still.
JJ slowly walked into the room and stood in front of the boy who was destined for great things. He placed the gift in his waiting palms.
Pope didn’t need to open his eyes to know what it was.
His eyes opened. “No, J, I can’t take this from you.”
“You’re not taking it, I’m giving it to you.”
The snow filtered down to the ground around the cabin in Pope’s hands.
“But it’s yours.”
JJ gave him a winning smile. “Exactly. So you have to look after it.”
Pope bit his lip and threw his arms around JJ’s neck, staggering the blond boy back a few steps with a startled laugh.
When their hug had gone on long enough for JJ’s hands to find Pope’s waist, they pulled back.
This was it.
JJ kissed Pope.
There was no time to waste, now. He kissed Pope and pulled him in by his lower back, kissing him soft and gentle like he might float away. Pope allowed it and followed suit. It wasn’t easy on any of them, but it was apparent it was hitting JJ the hardest.
“You promise you’ll bring it back?” JJ asked him, foreheads pressed together and a little breathless.
“Of course I will.” Pope let a sad smile stitch its way onto his face. “God, JJ I’m so sorry I’m leaving.”
“No, you don’t apologise.” JJ told him, clapping two hands to his cheeks and kissing him on the mouth. JJ never thought he’d be brave enough to do that. “You go and be great.”
Pope let the tears roll down his cheeks and JJ could never let Pope be alone, so he let his own tears out, too. They cried for a moment, neither of them caring about their appearances until the snow globe appeared between them.
Pope twisted the snow globe once and watched the flakes drift down onto J’s cabin under the watchful eye of JJ.
As he flipped it over, he saw an inscription under the base that certainly wasn’t there before:
JJ and Pope’s cabin – one day we will both see snow.