Chapter Text
The first message came to Ben on November 22nd. He had not heard from any of his family, besides Rey, for years; 7 years to be exact. He left only 3 weeks after his 18th birthday. He always had a bit of a rocky relationship with his parents, lots of arguments over his temperamental behavior. It never became abusive, nothing big enough to warrant cutting them off. But then they hadn't approved of his choice in career path, specifically the job he was taking at first order offices. It was his biggest job opportunity yet and he got to follow in the steps of his grandfather; though clearly no one approved. Especially his father, who he had gotten into a big fight with.
When he had disconnected himself, and no one chased him, he thought it was because they were better off without his trouble, his temper, his actions. Rey was his only connection, and even she did not bring up his family as she knew he did not want to talk about it.
But this. This message was clearly from Leia, after 7 years, she messages. First he was angry, burning with the passion of a 1000 suns. Why now? Could she just accept that he was probably happy living a life without her. Then he was confused, wondering why now of all times. Had she heard of something in his life? Has Rey broken trust and mentioned him? Did something happen to her, was she hurt? Then came sadness the fact that only now he heard from the person who raised him, he missed her…though he rarely thought on the subject so as to not break down constantly. He was a jumble of emotions but he finally decided to read the message before he decided to react.
The message read as such:
"It's been a long time, Ben. I know you did not want to speak, but I just wanted to message and say something. And of course It's okay if you don't respond, I just want to say. I miss you Ben. I truly do. And I know it doesn't mean much after everything, but I'm sorry."
Ben was shocked the whole message seemed to him like a dream, or a nightmare, he could not decide which… even if he did know what it was: he did not know how to go about writing a response or if he even wanted to respond to her. So of course Ben after he got home from work, went to his boyfriend for advice. Any semblance of an idea. Hux had told him to go with what he felt was right, he didn't need to connect with her again if he didn't feel like it. They both had dealt with family issues so it made sense for them to understand each other. For days after he mulled over the decision, before finally writing a small response that he thought would end the conversation.
"I have missed you too, and even though I accept your apology, I do not forgive you."
... except it didn't end as on November 25th the second message came.
"I can understand that, you don't have to forgive me. I do want to ask, have you had a good life so far? I'm sorry if this is intrusive. I just want to make sure you're at the very least okay."
Ben stared at the message for a long while, Leia was worried about him. He didn't know exactly how to respond, he considered lying out of spite that he had the perfect life and a large house all because of his own hard work. That he had a wife, and kids. But he knew deep down Leia would know he was lying. So he responded by telling her about the life he had formed.
About his job working at a local family owned restaurant as waiter, his cozy apartment, how he had actually moved on from his job at the first order offices due to being under-appreciated, and much more, although he did leave out a big detail, Hux. He didn't know exactly how she would feel, so he decided to leave that detail out. Maybe for now, maybe forever, he didn't exactly know how much longer she would take interest in his life.
The third message came the next day on November 26th, the day he lost track of the message count. She responded ecstatically, happy he had a good life since she had last heard from him. They continued to talk, exchanging tidbits of each other's lives. This went on for days, and Ben had started to feel more comfortable as the days went on. It had become a routine to wake up and check his phone for a text from his mom. He had reverted back to calling her mom, which honestly felt nice, better than nice in fact. He had talked to Hux for days about him and his mom's conversations, Hux always just smiled slightly and listened to him. He was happy for Ben.
Soon days turned into weeks, and weeks turned into a month. It was December 22nd and his mom messaged him asking a question he never thought he would get to hear again. One he didn't entirely know if he wanted to hear again.
"Hey Ben?"
"Yeah? What's up Mom?"
"Well I was thinking, you can of course deny, but would you like to come over for the holidays? I'd love to see you, and I'm sure your father would as well. He's been very happy I've been talking to you. He wanted to message but didn't know how to even start…"
Ben was frozen, he didn't know if it was fear or surprise. He was wanted at the house again, for Christmas…for the holidays….More importantly Han apparently wanted to talk to him? Even after their big fight, which is what caused Ben to cut contacts in the first place. Was he sorry too? Or was he angry? Ben couldn't tell or wrap his head around it, he clutched his phone and Hux clearly noticed.
He asked him what had been wrong, and he told him. Hux, being Hux, was able to walk him through his thoughts which he wouldn't have been able to do otherwise. It was nice. And they came upon the answer. If Hux could go with him, he would go. If Hux was not allowed to come, he wouldn't. Hux teased him playfully for this, but it was more of a joke than actual teasing. This did distract Ben long enough to calm his mind and not flip the hell out. He soon messaged his mom back with help from Hux.
"I'll come over if I can bring a friend, I think I need some support if I do and it would be helpful."
He didn't want to call him a boyfriend yet as he was slightly scared of more uproar, he was finally getting somewhere with his mom who he hadn't talked to in years, and he didn't want to ruin it. Ben sat there in fear for what felt like forever till he saw the little dots on his screen saying his mom was massaging back, which if he was being honest, made him even more anxious and it felt even longer than before. But to his relief the message read
"Of course Ben, bring whoever you wish. Just know you will have to share one of the guest bedrooms"
Her tone sounded like a joke even over text. This made Ben feel slightly more comfortable in the situation and after some more talking, the plan had been set. He and Hux would drive out on the dawn of the 24th and arrive at his mom's house before lunch.
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And that brings us to the present. 4 AM on the 24th, only hours before I would see my family for the first time in 7 years. I am flipping my shit if I'm being honest. I want to wear something comfortable for the 6 hour fucking car ride, but I also didn't want to look as if I am in shambles. I’m currently shaving my face recalling the events of the previous month, just trying to calm my nerves. The razor slides over my face as I shave, I try my best to avoid the scar that covers half of my face which in itself is an embarrassing story and a half. I'm shaking slightly, my hands feeling almost as if my hands are asleep. Which they are not, just shaking intensely, but just as I thought might happen, one jagged motion and…
"Ow Fuck!" I hiss, holding my face in one of my hands as cool blood slowly trickles down
"The hell did you do Ben?" Hux had immediately come to laugh at my misery before helping me.
He leans on the door frame, he's not much shorter than me, only 6'1 to my 6'3. So he's at a pretty similar height, though I do constantly remind him of it, which almost always ends in a jab to the side.
"I cut my cheek cause I was shaking" I say, still holding the open wound on my face with my left hand.
It doesn't seem to be a large cut only about an inch, but its sizeable enough to bleed like a mother fucker.
"I told you it would be hard to shave, should have listened to me Ben," Hux chuckles, poking at me audibly and raising an eyebrow at me.
The stuck up asshole had in fact told me not to shave because I would most likely cut myself. I of course didn't listen saying I needed to shave, he had offered to shave my face for me. But I was not ready to stoop that low, with someone else shaving my face because I was nervous.
"Oh fuck off Hux," I roll my eyes before the other pushes past me to reach the mirror cabinet, opening it up to pull out a a box of Hydrocolloid dressing-aka those large, white, square, bandages-and some antibiotic.
Hux carefully grabs my face cupping my cheek as he wets a towel with his other hand.
"Can you move your hand for me?" I comply and move my hand off the cut.
My hand is covered in a quite large amount of blood but I can wash it after Hux finishes. Hux carefully dabs the towel over the cut putting enough pressure to sting but not enough to hurt me immensely. My breath hitches slightly as I breathe in closing my eyes. Hux of course laughs at this before applying antibiotics to the cut and dressing the wound.
"That should take care of it, although you now look like you got into some kind of fight," he laughs at my expense the asshole.
He's smiling though still cupping my cheek in his hand before he lets go to put the stuff back in the cabinet.
He soon walks away saying as he leaves "our stuff is almost completely packed you just have to get your ass dressed and pack your night clothes and put the stuff in the car. Than we get in the car, get coffee and breakfast, and prepare for a long fucking car ride,"
"Alright, I should be out there to pack the car in a moment. As you said I need to "get my ass dressed"," I yelled over my shoulder at the other who was already in their small living room getting all of the bags together.
We had decided to pack our large suitcases that we both used for business trips back when we worked at the first order. We would be there for 7 days so the amount we bought was necessary. Though I had a feeling Hux -like always- packed more than he would need.
Soon I finally decided what to wear, grabbing a pair of faux black jeans. They looked like jeans but we're more comfy and they were stretchy. Which I feel like I would need all the comfort I could get on a 6 hour trip. As well as a black band tee, Foo Fighters to be specific, when Han had shown me them when I was going up. And of course, I still loved the band to death, so it only makes sense for me to have one. In the back of my mind I also hoped it would make Han a little softer to me if he was upset…
Soon I walked into the living room, though it was more of a common area plus dining room. Our apartment wasn't the largest but it was ours. Had been for 2 years at this point. Though we have been dating for 4 years, it took us a while to actually decide to live together. And even then it was an accident that's quite funny when you think about it.
It was only Hux's apartment at first and I just started staying the night more and more. Going from 3 days to 2 weeks on some occasions. So I started being here and keeping it here for the long times we spent together. Eventually it got to the point where enough of my stuff was here, that I was missing the majority of it at my apartment. At that point we just decided to move in together. I closed my lease and moved in with Hux.
Hux was standing there struggling to try and get everything in his hands at once. Stubborn son of a bitch. I snicker to myself walking over to help my boyfriend with our bags.
"Here let me grab some of this" I laugh. This time I'm the one laughing at the other's expense. It kind of always flip flops like that. Someone is always laughing at someone else, just how I like it. It wasn't always out of love, at one point the jabbing and laughing was out of spite and jealousy.
Though it only stayed like that for 3 years, A little after our 3 year hate-iversary I had realized I actually quite liked Hux. He knew what he wanted and wasn't afraid to get it. I liked him out of respect. Though I soon realized I had deeper feelings than just admiration, and despite me being confident that the answer would be no. I decided to shoot my shot, and it turned out that I wasn't the only one who had gone through the same feelings of hate to respect to fondness.
"Thank you for finally showing up, you dress far too slowly. No wonder you were always late to the office" He chuckled at me, shooting me a fake glare.
I grabbed the stuff that he was holding in between his arms and his body. And carried it out of the apartment, we made sure to lock the door before we left. My nerves had cooled off but they were starting to rise again with the anticipation that came with what was about to happen.
Two things:
1- My family was going to see me for the first time in 7 years. I was slightly nervous. I don't normally post pictures online so they haven't seen me since then…and in all honesty I had blocked them from my social media. (Though I since unblocked mom) I didn't know what they were going to think of me. Think of how I looked, how I handled myself, how I walked even. It just seems like I have changed too much.
2- Hux was going to meet my family…sure he knew of Han and Mom but He didn't really know much about my other family. I didn't usually mention them or really talk about them at all. Sure he knew the basics and a lot of the stuff that happened in my childhood. But he didn't know my family members directly as I had never talked about many of them, or I had talked about them, just not in a good light. Which is fair enough with how they treated me, but it still meant Hux didn't know them.
As we went down the stairs my nervousness only grew. When we put everything in the car my anxiety only grew. When I buckled myself into the passenger's side seat my fear only grew. Apparently this was clear to Hux, as I sat there shaking slightly a hand rested on my shoulder.
"Ben. It's going to be okay. I promise. And IF it's not okay, we'll leave without a second hesitation. Deal?" Hux’s voice was soft, his tone wasn't teasing or judgmental. It was genuine.
I close my eyes breathing in before opening my eyes muttering just loud enough for the other to here "Deal"
"In that case, are you ready?" He said his voice was much less soft now. He put his hands on the steering wheel and looked over waiting for my response.
"Ready" I say In the same mumbled tone though a slight snicker left my lips.
"I didn't hear you Ben?" He teases poking me in the shoulder
"Oh come on, you definitely did." I snicker sounding slightly more annoyed than I actually was
"Nope I'm deaf" he says looking away from me
"Oh come on Hu-"
"Nope deaf I can't hear you but only for the duration until you speak louder."
I sigh before I say "ready” in a normal vocal pitch.
"Oh looks like I'm not deaf anymore" he laughs at his own dumb joke before twisting the key and starting the car
I sit there staring at him a bit before looking to the road watching as our apartment building fades into the distance. It was really happening, I was going to see them again…
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The hours passed by, I was sleeping for half of them. Although the other half I was at the wheel. We swapped every hour so as not to get tired and let the other sleep a little more. About halfway through the trip neither of us were sleeping when we were in the passenger seat anymore. We had gotten about the amount of sleep we normally do.
Hux had taken a double shift at one point so I was the one driving as we got closer and closer to my childhood home. He thought that in the last hour it would be good for me to keep myself distracted so as not to have another flip out. Soon enough the roads became familiar as we drove through country roads. New shops became easy to spot as old ones I used to go to, the ice cream parlor apparently became an Italian restaurant which is not something I ever thought would happen.
The roads became smaller and more compact as we entered a small country neighborhood, The houses were far spread apart and the street lights came in less numbers the deeper we got into the neighborhood. Soon we came to a very familiar property, the one where I used to live.
The green grass was the same bright green color, I could practically smell it already. The driveway was the same rocky rubble It always was as I drove down it. The sky was clear, besides for a few small clouds that littered it. Soon when we were a little further onto the long driveway, my childhood home peaked from behind the trees.
It was almost the same as how I left it, though a little more rusty on the metal skirting and drainage pipes. The front door had clearly been replaced, something that I thought I would have forgotten by now. It was the same pale yellow, almost cream yet not quite. And of course in the garage-the door open- there lay millennium, The same old Jeep my dad has been driving since before I was born, I have zero clue how it is still alive or working. But it is….
I take a deep breath trying to calm myself down. Hux puts his hand on my shoulder rubbing slightly. He wasn't saying anything but it was very clear what his message was. It's going to be okay. Soon I parked in front of the house. The place I used to call home. I sit there for a second just staring in awe that the place is the same as I left it.
"Come on Ben. It's going to be okay, let's go see her."
"How are you sure it's going to be okay?" I say, my eyes feel like they are going to water but they can't.
"I don't exactly know, I have a feeling…"
"I thought you were one not to believe in feelings. You're constantly telling me not to go with my gut," I say bitter sweetly laughing finally looking away from the house and over at the other
"Oh shut up Ben, are we going to do this or not?" he laughed though it was soft and genuine. He was in fact asking.
"Yeah. We are" I breathe in, taking the key out of the ignition and slowly opening the car door. Soon though another door began to open, the front door. Okay Ben. You got this.