Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

The aftermath was a blur to Alina.

The surge of power still lingered in her fingers, the shadows leaving a tingling sensation that was not unfamiliar. She sat still in her room for what felt like a long time staring at her hands, but the commotion she saw outside when Nikolai opened the door told her it was not long ago that she performed the cut and killed the Fjerdan Grisha. 

She expected a burst of questions coming out of the newly-crowned king’s mouth in a few seconds. How had she done that? Did she know she could summon shadow? For how long?

She didn’t know how to answer them.

“Are you okay?” He asked instead, taking her out of her stupor. His voice was soft, and he approached carefully as if she might run away otherwise. She was reminded of how she approached The Stag, on what felt like a lifetime ago.

“Yes, yes. I feel fine.“ Alina wasn’t entirely lying. 

She got up and went to him, trying to feign some sense of normalcy. 

“Is everyone okay? Genya?“

“Twenty people had to be taken away to the infirmary, but no casualties“ He paused. “Thanks to you.“ 

“The Grisha, she- She didn’t look normal. What do we know about her? Is the palace secure?“ She shifted to her second-army leader persona. They should focus on that, this was an assassination attempt on the king and could be just the beginning of something bigger.

“She was under the effects of some kind of drug. Our Alchemi are conducting some tests to understand it as we speak. But yes, that wasn’t normal. She was too powerful.“ He conceded.  “But Alina-“

“What?“

“Are you really okay?” He came closer, taking her hand in his in a comforting motion.

“Yes. I feel fine.” She paused. And that is what scares me. “You don’t have to worry about me.”

“We’ll need to talk about what happened soon. As soon as the dust settles we’ll gather up with the rest of the Triumvirate and come up with a plan. People will have questions.“ He said, starting to move away. Alina held him there, startling him. 

“And you don’t?“ She asked, softly.

“We all have our secrets, Alina. I’ll always be here the moment you want to share yours with me.“ He smiled ruefully. “I just came to make sure you’re well.“

She held his hand for a few more seconds before dropping it.

“I’ll go talk to security, I’m pretty sure party-crashers weren’t supposed to come this far in this kind of royal event.“ He said, clearing his throat and moving towards the door.

“Nikolai-” She stopped him. “Thank you.“

“Anytime, sunshine.“ He said, closing the door after him a few moments later.

Alina didn’t know she was holding her breath until she heard the door fully close. She sighed. The sun summoner knew she needed to be alone now and was glad for the space, but couldn’t help but feel like Nikolai’s absence made the room less comforting.

Carefully, she lifted her hand. A sense of dread filled her, as she didn’t know what to expect next. After coursing through her memories, she realized she didn’t try to summon since- 

At first, Alina thought she didn’t want to because she was recovering - taking down the fold was something that required a lot of power, after all. Deep down, she knew it was because of something else. 

Because she still could feel the merzost within her. 

Baghra would be disappointed.  She thought briefly. Alina ignored everything her former teacher warned her about, but in the end couldn’t feel guilty about it. Mal was alive, and that was what mattered. She felt at peace with her decision, but the price hadn’t shown itself just yet. 

What if her powers- She couldn’t bear the thought. She was the Sun Summoner, and that couldn’t change, as much as the thrill of the shadow cut had been something she hadn’t felt since she claimed the Sea Whip. It was wrong, and Kirigan and Baghra were born with their powers, so she couldn’t possibly have become one.

So relief coursed through her body when she called for the light and it came to her. She was fine, everything was fine. Maybe it was just a temporary side effect. 

But she could feel something else lurking.

Taking a deep breath, she closed her eyes and focused on it. 

Alina didn’t notice as the room grew darker.

After taking most of the day to make sure the palace was secure and taking some time to visit the wounded, Nikolai finally found his way back to his chambers. A white noise still rang in his ears from the screams of his people, and he couldn’t shake the feeling of powerlessness he felt when the Fjerdan attacked. 

Thank the Saints Alina had been able to stop her before she succeeded in ending the Ravkan royal bloodline for good, along with the Triumvirate and some of the most influential people in the region. In a single moment the country would be chartered into chaos. Maybe Alina was right before, and he should’ve been more careful with choosing the coronation date. But he couldn’t resist the irony.

Alina. 

He winced as he removed his coat, his dark wound demanding attention. He wanted to share his newfound worries with her, but she had demons of her own to deal with. If he could take at least one burden from the saint who was helping him mend his country, he would. 

Maybe it would heal by itself, although he should probably talk to Genya about it at some point if it didn’t. Or just be selfish and talk to Alina, the one he really wanted to talk to. Just because she might have more insights by being the sun summoner and all, of course.

As he changed his clothes to more comfortable ones, he took a look in the mirror, inspecting the uncannily fresh wound made by the nichevo'ya alongside already faded wounds, all acquired right about the same time. A damned king of scars, he was. 

Sighing, he prepared himself to sleep even though his mind was racing. His body was exhausted and tired from the attack and that would do the job of a fast and (he hoped) dreamless sleep. He wished Alina would be able to rest for a bit as well, but knowing the sun summoner, he bet he’d be able to find her at the library, her favorite place in the palace. She wasn’t one to rest after something like this. 

If he were honest with himself, neither was he. 

But he knew his mind wouldn’t go to good places if he stayed awake replaying the coronation in his head over and over. Especially the way Alina, somehow, impossibly, summoned shadow. He would be of better use to his people well rested and ready to lead them towards their next steps after the attack. 

And his wound was starting to hurt like hell.

Laying in bed, he closed his eyes and thought of soft hands on his.

It took him a while to get to a point where he was about to drift to sleep. As his thoughts became muddled, a small knock at the door jolted him awake.

Well, he tried. 

“Who is it?” He asked with a raspy voice still from his bed, reaching for a dagger he conveniently left behind one of his pillows. 

A king could never be too careful, and a privateer always kept a weapon nearby.

“It’s me. Alina.” Her muffled voice came from the corridor. 

“Come in!” He quickly sat down on his bed, covering the dagger. 

The doorknob shifted, and the fast built-up tension easily faded when he saw dark curls and an apologetic smile enter the room, holding a few books.

“Sorry, I couldn’t sleep. Did I wake you up or-” She paused in the middle of her sentence when she saw him still in bed. “I can come back another time.” She conceded but closed the door behind her anyways.

“Yes, my beauty sleep was irrevocably interrupted, how could you?” He countered, standing up. Taking a quick look at the mirror, he fixed his clothes in a rapid motion to cover his black scar, going to the nightstand right after to fetch a glass of water.

“Please, sit.” He motioned to the pair of armchairs alongside his bed, sitting in one of them. She followed suit, putting the books down but one. “The hour tells me it must be something urgent. How can I help?”

Alina blushed. 

She might’ve been blushing for some time now.

“Actually, I don’t think it’s urgent.” She confessed. His interest picked up. “It’s something you said earlier. About secrets.” Nikolai tensed.

“What about it?” He drank all the water in one single motion. Alina’s eyes locked on his.

“I wanted to talk about what happened today, but no one seemed right. I don’t want to involve Genya in anything related to shadows if I can help it. Zoya wouldn’t understand. Mal is-” 

“-gone.” Nikolai completed. Sighing, he got up and went to the bar. In other circumstances, he would try to keep it cool. But the day almost ended with everyone dead, and Alina was there, in his room, saying that unfortunately he was the only one left to talk to. The least he could do for himself was to grab a drink to hear it.

“Yes.” She seemed to understand the look in his eyes. “-No, it’s not like that, Nikolai. You know we’re friends, don’t you?” He nodded, agreeing. He didn’t give up his drink, though.

Good friends.

“The point I’m trying to make is-” She huffed, frustrated. “I want to talk to you about it. To share with you. Somehow, I feel like you’ll understand better than everyone else.”

Somehow, he felt like he would. And not because of the thrumming of the black scar barely concealed behind his clothes.

“Okay.” Nikolai said, grabbing another glass and offering it to Alina, who accepted. “Where do you want to start?”

“From the beginning, I think.” She took a sip of her drink before taking a deep breath and began explaining how her former lover was kept in the land of the living. 

Merzost.

The same forbidden magic that made the fold, the nichevo’ya, and, as Alina revealed, probably was the cause for the birth of Shadow Summoners, since Morozova was toying with it when Baghra was born. Was it possible that some summoners could be made, not born? Or is their power corrupted, transformed into something unnatural?

“But you can still summon light, right?” He asked, afraid of the answer. 

How would the people receive the news that their Sun Summoner was no more? Would they rile against her? Claim she was a false saint, maybe? His brain started to knot. If that happened, his claim on the throne could be challenged sooner than he thought, and he wouldn’t be able to keep her safe. He already instructed their security and intelligence to make it so what happened didn’t leak outside of the castle, but he knew it was only a matter of time, and his efforts would only slow the news a bit. Especially since people like the Apparat saw everything. 

“If not, we need to take action as soon as possible. People-” Alina interrupted him by summoning a sphere of light that blinded him for a few seconds.

“You could’ve just said yes, you know?” 

“Yes.” She smiled for a few seconds before a somber expression took over her face.

“What is it?” He asked, softly.

She chose to show rather than tell again. Her free hand came up, and he held his breath for what felt like a million years. The room started to feel colder to Nikolai, which was followed by a chill that started at his spine and ended in his wound, the strange feeling staying there, intensifying when tendrils of shadow appeared and involved Alina’s hands.

“Saints.”

The shadows seemed to have a life of their own, going slowly in his direction before disappearing just as he was about to flinch.

“What does this make me?” She asked, her voice almost a whisper. 

“You’re still you, Alina. Nothing will change that.” He said and reached out for her hands.

She shook her head, distressed, and got up while dodging him. He tried not to let the hurt in his face show, this wasn’t about him. 

“No, Nikolai. Ravka will brand me as a heretic as soon as I make a misstep. There’ll be no going back from that.” She left the book on the chair, and looked at her fingers, paling.

“We can’t risk your rule.” Her eyes fixed on the Lantsov Emerald. 

He got up in a flash, making her still as he took her hands on his, covering the ring.

“Stop.” He commanded. “You’re no heretic, Alina. You saved Ravka, destroyed the fold. And everyone better remember that, or I’ll make them remember.” He got closer.

“How?” She asked, looking for comfort in his eyes.

He smiled. “It won’t be that difficult, sunshine. It’s what I said, you’re still you.” He cupped her face with one of his hands. “You’re still the most brave, kind, caring person I’ve met. Ravka respects you- damn, fears you, because you’re the Sun Summoner.” He paused.

 “But Ravka loves you because you’re Alina Starkov.”

Her breath hitched. 

He wasn't going to reflect on the fact that he may be using Ravka as a placeholder for himself. This was not the time nor the place, and he needed to focus on helping Alina navigate this new development without destroying herself. There was also a not so small part of him that focused on making her stop trying to break their engagement again.

"Do you trust me?" He asked, stroking her cheek.

She nodded.

"Then let me be at your side to face this. Ravka needs you."

They stood closely for a few more moments before Alina cleared her throat and took a step back. 

“Thank you, Nikolai. I- I probably should go back. It's late.”

Were they still engaged? He assumed they were. Yey.

“It is.” He said.

Her eyelids slipped shut.

“Every time I close my eyes I see the coronation hall again.” She sighed. 

“You can stay, if you want.” Her eyes opened wide in a single motion. “We can read all of those books you came with while we wait for the day to start.”

“That won’t happen for a few hours, Nikolai.”

“Good thing we have many books.” He pointed to the pile.

“You need to rest.”

“I can rest when I’m dead. Which I’m not, thanks to you.” He said, going back to his chair and picking up one of the books.

“‘ The Lives of Saints’ ” He read. “Brought anything lighter to read, maybe?”

“Nope. I brought them to study my… condition, Nikolai. That’s the cheeriest one in the pile.” He winced at that information. If that book was the happiest one- He stood up again, going to his bedside table to take a worn journal.

“What is that?” 

“Tolya gave me his poem journal before jumping into the sea again.” Nikolai made a face. “Said he didn’t need it, since he knew everything from the top of his head.” The sun summoner lifted a brow. “You’re giving me very few options here, Alina.” 

“Maybe you can tell me some of your stories as Sturmhond?” She suggested. 

Now it was his time to lift a brow. She rolled her eyes. “You’ll be insufferable because of this, won’t you?”

“We’ve had this discussion before.” Nikolai smiled. “But I actually like the idea!” He beamed. “Maybe I should write a book.” Leaving Tolya’s journal aside, he went to the couch closer to the fireplace instead of the armchairs. Alina followed him.

“I know exactly where to start,” He began with the story of how he first met Tolya and Tamar, the two most adventurous warriors he had ever met.

It was a comfortable dynamic and in little time it was as if a weight was lifted from Alina’s shoulders, if only temporarily. She relaxed on the couch while listening to him (and bickering when he made things a lot grander than they probably were), sometimes getting up to get a glass of water or a blanket when the room grew colder as they stayed awake through the night.

At some point, Nikolai dozed off in the middle of telling how one time Tamar mistook her brother’s poem journal for a cooking book and how, after that, he stopped rhyming things with food. 

I could get used to that. He thought lazily as the sun started to rise.

Chapter Text

Alina stood in the war room, discussing with her triumvirate and a representative from Nikolai’s intelligence the newest information about Jurda Parem while they waited for the king to show up. Apparently, the drug the fjerdan had taken was not only highly addictive but fatal in high doses. 

“Where did this information come from?” Zoya asked.

“Directly from our people from Ketterdam. It’s everywhere. Most governments don’t even know what to call it yet. The only ones getting addicted are Grisha, so it’s not like the Shu or the Fjerdan leaders are really concerned, as the drug is taking us out for them.” Alina answered, looking at the intel in her hands. 

“What did our Alchemi find out, so far?” Genya joined the inquiries, while Alina left her report on the big wooden table along with all of the Jurda Parem papers. It seemed like they were trying to reverse engineer it, but Alina was a cartographer, not an alchemist, and couldn’t fully understand the complex calculations shown there.

As if on cue, Nikolai entered the room.

“Sorry for the delay. Ladies, gentleman.” He greeted, adding more papers to the pile with a thud. “I was just at the lab looking at our latest findings.” Sighing, he went to the room’s liquor cabinet and took a few cups.

“Please, do take your time.” Zoya said, irritated. They had been there since very early morning, and the sun’s position told Alina it was almost late afternoon.

“I assure you you’ll want a drink after I tell you the news.” He said, pouring the liquor for all five of them. He grabbed two drinks and went to stay beside Alina as if that was his natural place in the room, offering one to her.

“Go on.” She took it.

“It’s too early to completely rule out a way to safely reverse engineer it, but we tried many calculations, believe me.” He started, massaging his temple with one of his hands. “The drug attaches itself to the cells of Grisha, merging itself to them.”

Zoya paled. Taking the drink from the table.

“Our most trusted Alchemi compared its effects to an amplifier. A Durast took a look as well and confirmed the base similarities.” He continued. “That is probably why that Grisha was powerful enough to immobilize a room full of people. The catch, though, is that it makes the cells unstable. They start to die.”

“What about an antidote?” The general asked.

“We’d probably need the help of the person who created it to even attempt at one. The Jurda Parem we have with us is the little we found with the fjerdan, and it’s not enough to meddle with.” He sighed, frustrated. “If this gets to our streets, right after a war…”

Zoya took all of her drink in a single motion, leaving the cup on the table with a loud noise.

“Okay. Next steps. We need to strengthen our borders so more of it doesn’t come in, then we think about an antidote. I’ll go take care of that, you can go on without me.” She said. ” You. ” the general pointed at the intelligence officer, who now stared at her with wide eyes. 

“I’ll need you. Come with me.” In a quick stride, she left the room with a pale officer on her heels.

They stayed in silence for a few moments.

“I think his soul almost left his body right there.” Nikolai commented.

“Zoya has that effect on people.” Alina retorted, taking a sip of her liquor.

“So, what’s the next urgency of the day?” Nikolai asked, leaning on the main table. Genya, almost too silent so far, stepped in.

“We need to talk about what happened yesterday.” She said, looking at Alina, who tensed. “I know you’ve been avoiding it, but the news won’t stop spreading because you chose to ignore it.” 

“What do you want to know?” Alina asked.

“What was that?” Her friend inquired, exasperated. “How long have you been able to summon shadow?”

She took a breath, preparing herself. There was no point to avoid her questions.

“Since I used merzost to save Mal.” Alina confessed, and Genya stilled. “He died that day, Genya. Nina wasn’t able to save him.”

And it would do no good to sugar-coat the information. This was Genya.

“So you thought it would be a good idea to meddle with the same evil we were trying to destroy?”  

How would she not try to save her best friend in the world, if there was even a slim chance to? Alina thought Genya would understand this, at least.

“Wouldn’t you do the same, if you could?” Alina whispered.

A beat.

“Don’t you dare.” Genya answered, ice in her voice. “That’s not fair.” It wasn’t. Not really. 

In the end, Alina was selfish. Not at all the benevolent Saint people worshiped throughout Ravka. And for all that she tried to protect Genya, her friend still ended up hurt.

“No, it's not fair. I’m sorry I said that.” She apologized. “But I won’t lie to you and say I regret it.” She didn’t. 

Nikolai cleared his throat, trying to defuse the tension. Genya sighed. 

“Okay. Let’s focus.” She said after a few moments, and her eyes became clinical in a second. Alina nodded, glad to talk about actionable things instead of seeing the hurt on her friend's face for a moment.

“People will brand you as a heretic if this happens again, Alina. You know that, right?” She uttered, and Alina nodded again. “This once, we can blame the fall of the Fold. Say it’s a side effect of staying too much time in there and spending too much power to destroy it. The Apparat won’t eat it up for a second, but he cannot prove it wasn’t that.” She paused.

“But you’ll have to make a very public appearance.” Alina tensed at the words. “Show everyone the Sun Summoner is alive and well, still summoning light, business as usual.” Genya seemed to like the plans forming in her head, but then stilled, looking right into Alina’s eyes.

“You can still summon light, right?” She asked, serious.

“Yes.” Alina nodded. “There is a good chance that was just a one-time thing, really.” 

With their luck, they didn’t believe that for a second.

"Let's hope so. For the good of Ravka.” She retorted. “I’ll start the plans for your public show of light. We need as many eyes as we can.” Finally, she looked at Nikolai. “Moy tsar.” She curtsied before her steps echoed in the room as she left, the door closing with a loud bang, leaving the king and the sun summoner alone.

“That went well,” Nikolai said.

“Terribly.” Alina sighed, drinking the rest of her drink and leaving her cup behind.

“How are you feeling?” He asked, getting closer.

“Tired.” She conceded. So was he, if the bags under his eyes were any indication. And that was probably her fault.

“I can’t fathom why. You slept soundly through the whole tale of Tolya’s accidental marriage to a Suli pirate. And she wasn’t very happy when she noticed Tolya vanished through the water canals, you know.”

Alina rolled her eyes and smiled, amused.

“Thank you, by the way. For the company.” She said.

“Anytime.” He smiled back at her.

Alina thought that if someone looked from the outside they would’ve thought that, between the both of them, Nikolai was the one able to summon the sun. He barely slept, and was almost killed the day before, but smiled as if everything in the world was in the right place in that room.

“You don’t have to do that with me, you know?” 

He looked confused for a second. “Do what?”

“Pretend everything is alright.” 

His smile faded, and Alina regretted her comment for a second.

“I know.” He sighed. “Maybe it’s undying optimism. Maybe if I pretend long enough, it might come true, and things will turn out fine in the end.” It sounded almost like a confession, one that he wouldn't have made if he wasn’t just as tired as her.

“You should rest at some point, Nikolai.” She got closer, and moved as if to squeeze one of his shoulders in a comforting motion, but stopped herself when he flinched and took a step back. 

“Are you okay, Nik?” Alina frowned, concerned.

“Of course I’m okay. Why wouldn’t I be? Everything is great.” He said in a strange way, taking another step back. “You’re probably right, I should try and rest for a bit. See you at dinner?” He said, fleeing the room just as she nodded, confused.

That was weird.

Nikolai finally took a long breath after the door to his room closed with a thud behind him.

If he wasn’t worried about how Alina almost touched his wound without knowing it, and how only the proximity of her hand sent pain through his shoulders, he might’ve noticed that she called him Nik in an almost endearing way.

Well, shit. As he paced around the bedroom, Nikolai stumbled on the pile of books Alina had left there the night prior, scattering them on the ground. An old one without words on its cover caught his attention. 

Picking it up, he inspected it closely, eyes widening with the language there. It was older than Old Ravkan, and he could only understand a few words. He was glad for the dead language lessons he was forced to attend when younger. They were useful as Sturmhond as well, especially when ancient treasure maps were involved. 

Even if he couldn’t understand everything, he could read “Morozova” clearly between old words. Well, wasn’t that interesting?

Where did Alina find that, again? He was certain he knew almost every book the royal library possessed - as he was the one that ordered at least a third of them throughout his life, and he never saw that one. She said she brought them to study her shadow summoning. Surely she wouldn’t mind if he took a peek at it. Another pair of eyes to look for explanations wouldn’t hurt. 

Going to his desk and making himself comfortable, he picked up ink and paper and started a rough translation, handling the book with careful curiosity now knowing it was probably a relic. 

His gut told him there was something important there. As a privateer, he knew too well not to ignore it. 

Focused on making sense of the words, he didn’t notice when the light started to fade outside, or how each of his blinks became longer and longer as the hours passed. 

After finally translating one more page with only the moonlight for company, Nikolai found himself falling asleep on top of the old book.

The king of Ravka woke up in a jolt from what he could only describe as the strangest nightmare. He was used to bloody dreams, especially after Dominik, but never with the surreal feeling of wings and the aftertaste of sheep’s blood on his lips. He half expected to see spilled ink around him, having dozed off while on his desk.

A few beats passed before he finally gathered his surroundings.

That wasn’t his room. Or someone added a lot of hay to it.

“What-” He looked at his hands, covered in blood. Looking to his side, the corpse of a completely maimed sheep greeted him in the barn.

Getting up in a single motion, he found a water bucket and almost ran to it, falling to his knees to take off the blood off of his hands in a hurried motion. As the water stilled, he saw his face as bloodied as his hands. Was any of it his?

He retched. 

Where was he? 

A creak on the wooden floor startled him. If someone was to try and kill him, that would be a perfect time to. Not only was he completely disoriented, but he also couldn’t find any weapons around him, not even the dagger he kept on his boot, as not only said boot was missing but also all of his clothes.

“Hello?” A tiny frightened voice came right after. 

Nikolai observed a tiny boy in farmer's clothes enter the barn, while he hid behind one of the hay piles. It was already day outside, he noticed.

“Is anyone there?”

Well, that was Ravkan. Not enemy territory, then.

There was little he could do to get out of that situation, and he needed clothes before anyone else showed up and wondered why the king stood bloodied and naked in a barn. 

Taking the bucket with him to cover his modesty, Nikolai decided to make his presence known.

“Hello, there.” He said, stepping away from his hiding place. The kid startled and motioned as if about to run. “Wait! I mean no harm.” He said, and his barn companion looked at the dead sheep. “It was that way when I arrived.” Nikolai lied, making him hesitate.

“Who are you?” The kid asked. “And why are you naked?”

Thank the saints for the curiosity of kids. Nikolai thought. An adult would have shot him already. He already imagined the sensationalist tabloids: 

King Found Dead, A Dark Ritual Gone Wrong

“Those are both very good questions. The name is Sturmhond.” He said, brain ticking to find a way to explain the second part. “My friends pulled a prank on me, you see. They thought it would be funny to make me wake up naked in a barn, and so here I am.”

“They don’t seem like very good friends.” The small boy retorted, frowning at the sheep.

“Oh, I agree. Awful friends. I’ll probably never speak to them again.” He conceded, and the boy nodded, content with his answer. “And what do I call you?”

“Erik.” The kid answered, and Nikolai could still see he was debating if he should run or not. 

“Nice to meet you, Erik. You see, they didn’t leave my clothes around.” He winced. “Is there a man in your household?” He asked, and Erik nodded. “Is he, by any chance, more or less my height?”

The boy sized him up.

“ Just a little shorter.” The boy answered. 

“Great, that’ll do. Erik, I need a favor from you.” Nikolai started. “I need to borrow some clothes to go back home, can you help me with that?”

The boy looked hesitant.

“I’ll bring them back as soon as possible, I promise.” He tried. At least he didn’t run away.  “And some gold.” That picked his interest. 

“How do I know you’ll come back?” He asked, suspicious.

“You don’t.” He confessed, and the kid seemed to appreciate the honesty. “But I swear I will, and you’ll be rewarded. I’m a privateer, you see.”

“A what?”

Oh. How was he going to explain it to what looked like an eight-year-old kid?

Nikolai wasn’t going to hear the end of it if anyone else knew of his very next words.

“It’s just like a pirate, but I have a permit.” He tried, and the boy looked interested again, eyes sparkling as he heard the word pirate.

“You’re a pirate?! That's so cool!” The kid got closer, beaming. 

“Priva- Yes, I’m a pirate.” He conceded. There were matters more urgent than trying to correct the kid.

“That explains all the scars.” Erik said. 

He wasn’t all that wrong. Nikolai pondered. “But you can’t tell anyone, okay? Will you help me?” He pleaded.

Erik nodded, smiling. “I’ll be right back, Pirate Sturmhond.” And backed away in the direction of the door.

As soon as he was alone, Nikolai closed his eyes, breathing loudly. “Saints.”

Now he just needed to find out where the hell he was, what happened to him, and a way to get back to the palace. Maybe not in that order.

Chapter Text

Alina stood in front of Nikolai’s chambers, waiting for a sign of life after knocking. She hadn’t seen him since the day before, and he didn’t show up for dinner as he said he would. She had saved a seat for him, and when she asked if anyone had seen the king, all she got were negatives. She supposed he got occupied with important matters (he had a country to rule, after all), but their last interaction had her worried. It was probably just the lack of sleep, but she couldn’t shake the feeling that something was off. 

“He’s probably tinkering with the Alchemi, Alina.” Zoya had reassured her, then added. “You do play the part of the worried fianceé pretty well, though. Almost convinced me.” 

Of course Zoya wouldn’t just reassure her without leaving a snide comment as well.

“Nikolai?” She said to the door. “Are you there?” As she knocked again, the door creaked open with a groaning sound. She peeked through it, finding the room empty.

Weird. It was early enough that she should find him here.

Soon enough she saw some of her books on the floor and winced. Alina had completely forgotten to get them back to the library. Entering the room without more ceremony, she piled them up neatly before noticing one of them was missing, trying not to trip on her nightshift. 

Looking around, she found it on top of Nikolai's desk, almost getting stained by leaked ink. She’d found the obscure book at Morozova’s lair, taking it with her before Baghra burned the place down. That was moments before she had discovered that Mal was the Firebird and, as she looked for clues, the aged cover had her attention as it looked a bit like the old diaries she kept when younger. 

It was almost the same size as them, with stained papers just like the ones she often repurposed, recovering second-hand journals at the orphanage that sometimes looked even worse than what she had just found from Morozova - no hiding place trying to protect the papers from time and decay. 

Who would’ve guessed Morozova and her had the same penchant for writing personal diaries?

At least, that is what she thought it was. She could understand some of it, having had access to really old books in Keramizin - less because they were relics, more because no one had the money to buy new ones for the kids for generations. Looking closely, she found newer papers right beside it, stamped with royal markings, frowning when she understood that they were a full translation to contemporary Ravkan.

She took the translation in her hands, sitting to read comfortably - surely Nikolai wouldn’t mind. His penmanship was something envy-worthy, probably the work of tutors since childhood, and Alina got distracted from the contents of the text a few times by admiring Nikolai’s work, imagining the king of Ravka sitting there, just where she was, and putting all of those words into paper throughout the night.

As she read through the first few sentences, Alina quickly understood that those were the documentations of the very first few attempts of Morozova’s experiments with merzost. He started with small animals, killing them as a sacrifice to the strange powers he was meddling with. Little time passed until he started aiming for bigger ones, in hopes of creating what they’d now know as amplifiers. 

"I am still unable to reach the core life force of these animals, which is most unfortunate. I do understand, however, that I am on the right path to eventually find the rupture that separates me from this knowledge. As we all share this world, are we not all things?" 

Alina was taken from her readings by a strange rumbling sound not far from her. One of the walls moved near the fireplace, taking a bit of dust with it and reviving memories from the secret passage she’d discovered in Aleksanders' chambers - on what felt like a lifetime ago. It seemed like Nikolai had a very similar one as well. It did make sense that he would have an escape route in his room in case of an emergency. Alina got up leaving the papers behind and took a defensive stance, but relaxed when saw the blonde coming through the space.

He didn’t seem to notice her there, however, clearly distracted by his thoughts. “Oh, thank the Saints.” He said, sitting down on his sofa and sighing, as if relieved.

He wore a dirtied farmer's blouse, with brown trousers and no shoes. That’s strange. What worried her, though, were the dried blood stains on his hair and the sweat in his brows. Nikolai had his eyes closed and his breath, quick as he entered the room, slowed for a bit.

Alina cleared her throat, making her presence known. He tensed.

“ Shit. ” He muttered, and quickly opened his eyes, looking for the sound. Alina saw them go wide as he noticed it was her. “Alina! What are you doing here?” He asked, nervous as he looked at his outfit and then back at her.

“I was looking for you. You didn’t appear at dinner.” She said, getting closer. “Did something happen?” 

“No.” He said. At her skeptical look at the way he was dressed, he added. “I mean, nothing to worry about. Just some Sturmhond business I had to take care of as soon as possible. Had to go undercover and all.” He pointed at his clothes. 

It was plausible, but knowing him Alina didn’t buy it. She wasn’t going to pry, though.

They all had secrets, that’s what he told her. She hadn’t stopped to think about what were his.

“Okay.” She said, frowning. “There is blood in your hair.” She pointed out, taking a few steps in his direction to get a better look. “Is it yours? Do you want me to get Genya?” His hand went up to his hair.

“Oh, no. It’s not mine.” She didn’t know if that was good information or not. “If I didn’t know better I’d think you were worried about me, Ms. Starkov.” He teased, trying to ease the tension. 

“I was, Nikolai.” She countered, not in the humor for it. His eyes softened. “I asked for your whereabouts and no one seemed to know. After everything that went through, of course I worry about you.” He got up and went to her, taking her hand.

“I assure you, everything is fine. Next time I will try to leave a note, if it makes you feel better.” He said, making her roll her eyes.

It would. But she wouldn't say that. 

“Thank you, though.” He said, taking a deep breath. “For caring. It means a lot.” He confessed. 

She smiled at him, although slightly concerned.

“You do know by now that you’re one of my best friends, right?” Alina asked, then raised an eyebrow. “You are annoying, so I don’t know how that happened, but it did.” She was the one to tease him this time. 

“It’s the Lantsov charm. I can’t help but be irresistible.” He shot back, now smiling as well.

A pause. Nikolai was the one to clear his throat now, releasing her hand.

“So. I caught your translations, they are pretty good.” Alina changed the subject. 

“Oh, that. Is it okay for me to keep translating it? I think we might find something useful there.” Nikolai asked, and she nodded.

“Of course. My old Ravkan is a bit rusty, so it’ll be good.” She said, and that picked his interest.

“You know old Ravkan? I’ll have to ask you for a bit of help, then.” He asked. “I’m using an old dictionary my mother gave me a long time ago to pick some of the words I don’t know, but even that is incomplete.”

“Let me know when you pick that up again, and we can go through it together.” Alina offered. 

“It’s a deal.” He winked, walking to his wardrobe, probably to change into his normal clothes. “Was there anything else you’d like to discuss?” He asked, picking a pair of beige trousers and a blouse.

Well. There wasn’t. She should probably have thought of something.

“Not really.” She confessed, cheeks getting warmer when he looked back at her with a soft smile. She was there just to check up on him. “I’ll leave you to change. See you at breakfast?”  

“Oh. I ate already.” He said ruefully. “But definitely lunch. Save me a seat?”

As if she wasn’t doing that already. Not that the king of Ravka would be left without a space, but he didn’t necessarily need to sit next to her even with the fake engagement - as they spent a lot of time together on a daily basis due to their positions as king and leader of the second army, of course.

“I’ll think about it.” Alina smiled, picked her pile of books and went to the door, leaving the old journal untouched on Nikolai’s desk.

Nikolai waited a few seconds, hearing Alina’s footsteps become distant until they disappeared, before leaving his change of clothes on the bed to go to the mirror.

He felt as if he hadn’t slept all night, which, if his suspicions were true, was something not far from the truth. Taking off his shirt in a single motion and getting closer to his reflection, he inspected his wound, not liking what he saw. The black veins there were more pronounced than the last time he checked. And he knew it was related to what had happened to him that night.

He could feel the coppery taste of blood on his mouth, blood that wasn’t his. The image of the dilacerated sheep came to his mind, making him shiver. He didn’t remember much but flashes of the night sky and the feel of hay on his feet, and if he had woken up on his bed Nikolai would surely dismiss it as a strange dream. Instead, he woke up in a barn and met a little boy called Erik, stole clothes from his older brother ( he’s going to return them at some point), and found out he was just at the outskirts of the palace, where the farms that produce the meat for the royal grounds are located. Nikolai was thankful he didn’t get to the other side of Ravka, as it would be harder to explain why he was missing for the several days the trip back would take.

In fact, he’d hoped that his disappearance from the palace would go unnoticed, so he was surprised when he found Alina in his room, looking for him in the early morning hours. Being the second son, he was accustomed to often being left to his devices at royal parties and gatherings, often sneaking unnoticed to the library or the lab. That is, until he discovered a way to draw attention to himself by being undeniably charming. That was something that his late brother lacked as well, so it wasn’t hard to be the favorite among the ladies at the ballroom when he needed to. 

It wasn’t a bad surprise, though. To be missed was a novelty he would gladly get accustomed to.

Sighing, he went to his bathroom to prepare the bathtub. His room was one of the only ones with running water and didn’t need servants to prepare it, something he planned to change throughout the palace when he could stop for a second and think about renewals. He needed to gather funding for that as well, as the war had taken a heavy toll on the royal accounts and, to do that, he needed to start visiting the barons and nobles to ask for their support outside the palace grounds. But to go outside and tend to these matters he needed to know everyone was safe from Jurda Parem. And the palace wasn’t even on the priority list, really, as the first and second armies were still working on relocating the refugees from the villages the Darkling destroyed. 

He had too many things to work on, and the events from the previous night were just the icing on the cake. He needed to understand better what had happened, what triggered it, and how to stop it. 

All Nikolai wanted was to sleep. But what if it was sleep that triggered whatever the hell had happened? 

Next task: Go shopping for chains in the prison cells.  He mentally added it to the endless pile of things he needed to do that day. But first, he needed to take the blood stains out of his hair. Passing by the mirror, Nikolai didn't see the shadows that greeted him instead of his reflection.

Chapter Text

Alina watched Nikolai’s exhaustion grow day after day when she happened to see him at official meetings. Both were too busy to tackle the translations as a duo but kept it as a side project and the papers went back and forth between their rooms, the hand script changing between paragraphs. Sometimes they talked within footnotes, discussing a particularly tricky word ( did that mean switchblades or is Morozova talking about a fork? ) or some funny passage, but that resumed their interactions outside of their royal business along with nobles and the triumvirate. 

It was weird not to have Nikolai around, she noticed, looking at the latest rough translation brought by a royal servant to her room, a fine penmanship completing the sentence she had left unfinished the night before. Alina guessed that would be their dynamic, now. At least until people started to push for a royal wedding. That was something they’d need to discuss at some point. She looked at the Lantsov Emerald on her nightstand, gleaming on the other side of the room. She had returned the gem to him once but found it in her room sometime later. It made no sense to keep the ruse of their engagement and return it again, so she didn’t this time. 

A knocking at the door startled her for a second and she got up in a hurry, opening it only to find the mailman. Disappointment filled her for a second before she buried it away. That made no sense. Nikolai was busy with a troublesome meeting with the generals from West Ravka (she should be there too, but he insisted on going through it alone).

“Good day, Sankta Alina.” He greeted her, and she nodded in acknowledgment. She tried sometimes to make him call her Alina, or at least Ms. Starkov, but the old man didn’t budge. “There is new correspondence for you today.” He handed her an envelope with a nondescript seal, but the colors the Volkvolny would use to be able to be accepted by the royal security without further inspection.

Mal.

“Oh. Thank you.” She took the letter from his hands, with excited curiosity now. “Have a good day, Mr. Garret.”

“You too, Sankta.” He said, leaving after the gesture pilgrims made to pray for their saints. 

That was the third letter Mal sent since he left, and they kept a stream of them, updating each other on their well-being and snippets of what they were doing that wouldn’t be too compromising if a spy took hold of them. It bothered her that she couldn’t just write freely to him, but to have this way to communicate with him was better than none. 

She missed him. But it was different, this time. She was doing work she was proud of at the palace, taking care of her people, and knew that Mal was fulfilling his wishes as well. In the last letter, he talked about how he and Inej had tracked a slave ship and taken it down, happy that his talents as a tracker weren’t completely linked to his condition as an amplifier. 

Mal sounded happy overseas, and if he was happy, so was she. Even if a part of her heart would always be with him, it didn’t feel as hard to be apart as before. 

There was peace to it.

Alina sat on the side of her bed and opened the letter with a fond smile, but it slowly faded as she read its contents. 

This time, the Volkvolny sank a ship full of Jurda Parem, headed to West Ravka with General Zlatan's approval. The same general Nikolai was having a meeting with, discussing ways of stopping the spread of the drug throughout Ravka.

Leaving the letter halfway through and putting it in the pockets of her second army attire, Alina got up furious, walking to the door in hurried steps. She felt a familiar tingling through her hands and, looking down, saw dark tendrils coming out of it and eroding the golden doorknob in a few seconds. That stopped her in her tracks. 

That hadn’t happened before.

Taking a deep breath to try and calm herself, she waited until they were all gone before opening the door. She was going to need to ask someone to repair it at some point.

She sighed in relief when she noticed she could control it by staying calm. If she thought about it, this… condition started when she saw everyone she loved being attacked, so there was a lot of anger involved. And she could still summon light, so it wasn’t as if her powers had disappeared. 

Having it attached to moments of rage wasn’t the safest scenario in the world, but it had been an instrument that had saved her friends. She frowned, noticing she didn’t feel as resentful of it as she should. That was the most dangerous part. It didn’t feel wrong for a second.

Shaking her head to stop this very tricky train of thought, she opened the door and went to the war room where she knew Nikolai would be while thinking about a way to get him out of the room without making their guests suspicious of their new intel.

The “aloof bride” card would have to do. She was accustomed to not being taken seriously since a little girl and, this time, she would use this for her own advantage. Even if she was the Sun Summoner and the leader of the Second Army now, she knew men like the ones they were dealing with didn't see women as threats. 

Knocking twice but not bothering to wait, she loudly pushed the doors open, announcing her presence.

“Oh, there you are, darling!” Alina smiled in a cheery way, not at all matching what she was feeling inside. Nikolai, for a second still engrossed in his papers along with three generals from West Ravka even with her loud steps in the room, snapped up at her voice.

“Darling?” He asked. Alina knew he was wondering about the pet name, but to the generals, it would look as if he was just saying it back. She quickly surveyed the room, finding no imminent threats.

“Can I borrow the king for just a second?” She said, taking his hand. He looked at their intertwined hands and frowned. “It’s urgent.” She said, and now the generals frowned. “Genya can’t find matching fabrics for our outfits and you know we can't just visit the villages in different colors."

"Oh." He nodded in understanding, squeezing her hand. "Of course."

"Surely this can wait-" A bald man started, but was cut short by Nikolai's free hand in the air.

"Would you really deny not only a Sankta but also your future queen?" He countered, and the man shook his head.

"Please go on," Nikolai, now in the ruse, winked at her. "darling."

She shouldn’t have blushed at her own deceit.

"This will just take a second. Gentlemen," She said to them, guiding Nikolai to the back of the room. "Let me show you some of the stylists' drawings, " She continued, taking the letter out of her pocket.

Out of their guests' view, Nikolai read Mal's words carefully.

"I see." He murmured, his thumb caressing her hand as if it did that all the time. "It makes a lot of sense." 

"I could only see it in red for a while." She commented. "But it may not suit the occasion."

"Oh, absolutely not. We should go with more subtle colors, here." He agreed. “Even though you’d look dashing in red.” 

“Bright hot yellow?” She suggested, an eyebrow up. “They won’t know what hit them.”

“Not that, either.” Nikolai chided, mirth in his eyes even with West Ravka’s betrayal in his hands. “I think we can look a bit further. Maybe test some different sketches before going all-in.” 

“It makes sense. But I don’t want to decide this alone. Can’t you wrap this up?” I don’t want to leave you alone with the snakes. She wanted to say, instead. Even if she knew Nikolai could handle the situation just fine, she was the one that could shoot light (...and shadow, now) with her bare hands if they tried anything.

“We were just wrapping it up, weren’t we?” He said to the room, looking back to the men, who watched annoyed. “We can discuss the next steps through correspondence as we gather more intel. All we need, now, is your signed agreement on extra-securing the ports with our army, generals.” He said. 

Still holding her hand, he lifted it up and kissed it, eyes going back to hers for a few moments, before leaving her and going to the meeting table. Her heart skipped a beat, betraying all the more important matters in the situation.

“Here are the papers. Please take your time to read it, if you must.” He delivered the papers to them.

“That won’t be necessary.” Zlatan finally said, taking a pen from the desk and signing it without reading. “I fully trust your judgment, as we all should ,” He paused, looking at the other two men. “as our sovereign.”

“Of course.” Nikolai agreed. “Nonetheless, it is a great relief to know you’re on the right side, general. I know you and my father had your differences but all we want now, with the Fold gone, is for Ravka to prosper as one.”

“Of course.” He repeated Nikolai, giving him a diplomatic smile. Zlatan handed the papers to the other generals, who were a lot less cunning than him and couldn’t hide their distaste. They all signed anyway. 

“I hope to see you both in our ports soon, maybe with your new royal gowns? We’ve been rebuilding fast, and things are starting to look good.” He commented.

“I’m sure you will.” Alina said through her teeth.

“ Moy tsar. ” He bid his farewell to Nikolai. “Sankta Alina,” He offered his hand to her. She took it. “It would do good for the First Army to see their Sankta in real life. You were one of us at some point, after all.” Zlatan said to her, kissing her hand politely. “Maybe talk to the cartographers mapping the land left barren by the Fold.”

Being a first army cartographer seemed like yesterday and a lifetime ago.

“That sounds great.” It actually did, but she wasn’t going to agree to any plans he had for her.  “I’ll be sure to add it to our schedule when I can.” She gave him a constricted smile.

“That’s all I ask.” He smiled back. “Maybe that will squander the rumors they've been hearing about shadows in the royal palace.”

Alina paled and Nikolai coughed.

“Will you need any help with finding your way back to the stables?”

“That won’t be necessary. But we thank you for your kindness, my king.” Nodding a last farewell, he exited the room, followed by his minions.

Alina breathed a sigh of relief when the door slid shut.

“We already knew Zlatan couldn’t be trusted, but to aid ships full of Jurda Parem to enter our lands?” Nikolai said, a hand going to his hair in frustration. “If we don’t station trusted ships on all ports as soon as we can, Ravka will be doomed.”

Alina couldn’t help but notice the dark bags under Nikolai’s eyes. With the generals, they seemed almost concealed by his energetic posture, but that dropped as soon as the door closed.

“We’ll do that.” She agreed. She wished they could just have them all arrested, but they had no hard evidence other than the eyes of the people on the Volkvolny, and they just sank a ship with an official Ravkan seal of passage. They’d just be accused back of trying to hide their crimes against the other ship. 

“I’ll ask for Zoya to select her most trusted Grisha on that. Tolya will probably be sending correspondence with more details soon.” He paused, now looking at her. “Thank you for bringing that information to the table. We already have spies set on them, but nothing beats Mal’s eagerness to tell all about his adventures at sea.”

She rolled her eyes.

“He’s sending you letters as well, isn’t he?” 

“Yes, but yours came first, apparently.” He pointed out. 

“I am friends with him first.”

“But I gave him my ship and my lucky compass. That should buy me some favoritism.”

Wait.

“What? You gave him your lucky compass?” She repeated, incredulous.

“The ship is okay, but the compass is going too far?”

“No, but-” She shook her head. She couldn’t explain it without sounding dumb. He gave her the lucky compass before. She returned it, but didn’t think he was just going to give it away again like it was nothing. “I am just surprised. You seemed very attached to it.”

“Oh, I am. I am expecting it to be returned when he comes back. But it’s of better use at sea than here. I do know these halls with my eyes closed, after all.”

“Fair enough.” She conceded. 

“I can give it to you again if that makes you feel better.” He offered. “I do have a tendency of insisting that you accept my gifts.” His eyes fell to her hand, where the Lantsov Emerald should be. Her other hand fell to the empty space. 

For the first time it felt like something was missing there.

“I’ll be okay.” Her voice dropped. “Mal is probably making good use of it.” 

“I’ll think of other gifts, then.” He said, frowning and then nodding to himself. 

“If you take some time to rest, that'll be a good gift.” She countered, softly.

“Oh, I’m afraid that’s the one thing I won’t be able to give to you.” He smiled ruefully. “Do ask me anything else in the world and I’ll give it to you, Sankta Alina.”

She made a face.

“That you never address me as Sankta Alina again.” She said. 

“Is ‘darling’ better?” His smile was teasing this time. 

Nikolai was weird today.

“Shut up. You need to rest.” She deflected.

“I know, I know.” He said, defeated. “I’ll try. For you, if anything else.”

“Thank you.” Alina smiled at him, then waited.

“What? You meant now?” He asked, incredulous.

“Yes! You look like you’ll crumple if a wind blows, take at least a nap before we head to lunch.” 

“Do I look that bad?” He paused before looking at his reflection in the nearby mirror, sighing in relief at himself and fixing his hair in an anxious manner for a second. “Nah. Still handsome.”

“You’re awful, Nikolai.”

“And you’re mean, sunshine.”

She liked ‘sunshine’ better. 

Chapter Text

Nikolai really wanted to abide by Alina's wishes and rest that day, but he could not. Sleep pretty quickly became a thing to be avoided as he started to understand better his curse (for he lacked a better term for what was happening to him). It was when his mind was adrift that a second presence seemed to take over and he lost control over his body, becoming a spectator while it craved for something warm to satiate a nothingness that wouldn’t disappear.

But he needed to be practical. There was only so much time awake a human being could take, and that thing already took most of his nights of rest. So he designed a set of chains attached to the ground that would secure him there while he wasn’t in control, so he could try and sleep for a few hours before the transformation happened. It didn’t always , but he had no idea what his companion’s criteria were. As he walked to a meeting, he stopped and looked through one of the big windows of the palace hall.

Did the moon have anything to do with it? Stupid question, he wasn’t a werewolf. Werewolves didn’t fly or were made of shadow, anyway. 

At first, he didn’t want to involve anyone in this. But the first set of chains, secured onto his bed, weren’t enough to hold him there and he only ended up with a broken bed, a shattered window, and waking up a little further away than last time. The Fabrikator that helped him with the second set of restraints didn’t question him but shot some dirty looks at the newest reinforced metal chains beside the broken bed (which he fixed, too).

Well, if he thought his king had some restraint kinks, that would be the least of Nikolai’s problems.

So he mustered energy he didn't have to attend to a few bureaucratic matters before dinner. Nikolai looked forward to those, as he got to sit next to Alina along with some army colleagues and talk about amenities like he wasn't a cursed king for a few moments.

He meant what he said to Alina on coronation day. He would be utterly alone without her there to share the weight of Ravka's future. She was the only one he could confide in, the one soul in that palace he trusted with his life. He would be lost without her there. She showed him, daily, that there was good to fight for. He loved his country and its people dearly, but all he dealt with these days were deceitful noblemen wanting their taxes cut and the West Ravka military that couldn't wait to plan a coup and have his head on a spike. And that when he wasn't looking for ways to secure the whole country against the Fjerdan army or the Shu Han spies, that didn't stop killing Grisha near their borders since the Fold was gone, so having her by his side made everything a tiny bit easier.

It was the role he was supposed to take in and he knew that. If he was honest with himself, he prepared for it his whole life, since he knew if his brother were king he’d probably be the last ruler Ravka ever knew before getting stomped by their enemies. Nikolai wanted his country to thrive, to be a land where people could live freely without fear. But it was a lonely role, and the fact that he didn’t share his latest burdens with Alina made it more so this time.

There were a lot of reasons why he didn’t tell her he wasn’t himself as of lately. Nikolai didn’t want to have her worried, or for her to have to deal with shadows again, as the sun summoner had enough on her plate already. But it wasn’t only that. In the end, he was afraid of her reaction even though he knew he didn't need to. This was “default Nikolai”, not sharing his deepest worries and burdens with others and putting on a façade saying everything was under control. And he had already stopped being that version of himself with her, but it was easy to fall onto his old ways again. 

He was almost too ashamed to even fully think about the main reason: would Alina want a monster for a husband? They hadn’t talked about what they’d do with their fake engagement after people started to push for a royal wedding (they had a bit of time before that started to happen, but it would ), and a part of him, a very small part, was hopeful that just maybe she’d accept to become his queen one day. 

He knew it was only a matter of time before Alina discovered his nightly activities, and it would be for the best if she knew them from him, but he wanted to keep this thin veil of normalcy for just a bit longer. And it was almost easy to not tell her, as they always had a lot to talk about: Their duties as king and Second Army general, the translations they were working on, their plans for the kingdom, the parade Genya was working on - and the list went on and on.

So he decided he would tell her soon, but not now.

Maybe he found a cure in the meantime, and this wouldn’t even be an issue.

Nikolai chuckled at that thought. As if the world would be that kind to him.

After he was done with his most urgent affairs, he quickly went to his room to change for lunch. He chose a deep blue vest embroidered with golden tendrils and laid it beside the mirror. It was something they did a lot, as of lately: add Grisha symbols to royal clothes to showcase their alliance. Most of them were from the sun summoner, but on some clothes, there were also embroideries from other orders intertwined, and most Grishas now used some version of that as well, symbolizing the union of all Grisha as one.

Before switching his attire, he took a look in the mirror, stripping to see his unhealed wound. It worried him how not only it didn’t go away, but how he was sure some black veins had grown a bit since the day before. That could not be a good thing. He lifted one hand to it, not touching it but tracing a specific black vein that he was sure was smaller in the morning.

He needed to find help, and soon. Going to his desk, he sat down and started writing a letter to Tolya. He knew he could confide in him at least some of what was happening and discreetly have the Volkvolny search for clues as to what was going on and how to stop it, without having the rest of the crew know. They’d certainly have more room to do that than him currently stuck in the palace with his royal duties. The only place he was hoping to find a clue within these walls was the Morozova journal, and even that was just a slim chance, really. As he finished the letter, he added a special seal to it, indicating only Tolya could open it.

Sighing, he left it on the pile of letters that would be sent the next day and went to put on his clothes, leaving the bedroom and walking in the direction of the dining room right after.

As usual, he found the room already full of life, with Grisha and otkazat'sya sharing tables in harmony in what would seem like a fever dream only a few months ago. That was what he was fighting for. Looking towards his usual table, he saw Alina waving at him and pointing to her side.

Coming closer, he could hear her talking while finishing a piece of chicken.

“I saved your seat.” She said, mouth full for a second before drinking a cup of water to help with the food. He chuckled. Hungry-Alina was an endearing sight to Nikolai, as he never knew someone with an appetite like hers since Tolya. He knew Grisha often got hungrier when they used their powers, so it made sense for the second-army leader to always want a snack. He started strategically asking for appetizers before long meetings when he noticed Alina almost lit up when they had some sandwiches accidentally brought to the war room.

“Zoya nearly took it because, as she put it, ‘ it has a strategic view of the whole room’.” , She pointed out. “Do feel grateful.”

“Oh, I am grateful. Where else would the king eat? Surely I’d find nowhere else to go.” He quipped, making her roll her eyes.

“Yes, you’d have to eat oh, so alone, in your room. You’re welcome.”

Sitting beside Alina, he quickly started to eat as well. The monsters’ night activities also made his appetite grow. 

“ So, I was thinking.” Alina started. “We are working well on those translations, right?”

“Yes, we are. At a slow pace, for sure, but steady.” He agreed, stopping his fork in the air and looking at her. 

“Do you think we’d be able to translate it faster if we tried to work together?” 

“Aren’t we doing that?” Nikolai frowned, eating a piece of string beans right after.

“No, I mean-” She fumbled, then took a deep breath. “Maybe we could take some time and meet up to translate it, instead of going back and forth like we are doing now.”

“Oh.” 

“Forget it.” She shook her head. “We’re too busy, that’s why we’re working on it like that.”

“Yeah.” He agreed. “But surely we can find some time to do that. We can continue to work as we are, but maybe set a day where we meet up and exchange our findings?”

If Alina wanted to share notes in person, of course he’d make time for that.

Nikolai would always find time for her, she should know that by now.

"Tomorrow?" She suggested. "I really think we might have a breakthrough soon."

He thought for a second on his schedule for the next day.

"It works for me." He said. "And you really think so?" 

She nodded eagerly.

"His notes are starting to talk about some things I read briefly about amplifiers while I was in his workshop. Maybe we'll find out more about the immediate side effects of-" She whispered her next words, as they were in a crowded room. " Merzost as it was first used."

After starting to translate it, both of them noticed it was one of the first of Morozova's journals, and that could be especially helpful for them.

"Great." He said. "We can meet after dinner in the war room?" He couldn't suggest his room with the new chains, after all.

"It's a date." She said, then her eyes got bigger. "I mean, not a date- date, you know what I mean."

"And for a second I thought you were just trying to get me alone, Ms. Starkov."

She rolled her eyes at him again, but he could swear he saw a faint blush there.

Their banter was interrupted by Zoya who walked to them in distress, silencing the table as she arrived.

"We have a problem." The general whispered to them. "Come with me quietly."

"What is it?" Nikolai said, getting up.

"We have a commotion outside the palace gates, claiming the Sun Summoner has been possessed by dark magic." She supplied, and Alina got up after that. "We cannot let this get big, so we need you to give them a show of light. That will shut them up until your more public appearance. I suspect the Apparat leaked some information to fanatics." 

"Are we sure this isn't a trap to get her outside?" He asked, worried. The three of them went to the back of the room to talk more privately.

"We can't be sure, but it doesn't look like it. In any case, we need to disperse the crowd before someone gets hurt."

"I don't like this." Nikolai shook his head. "It's not safe."

"I'm not defenseless, Nikolai." Alina quipped, getting closer so as to keep speaking quietly. "I'm the leader of the second army, not a damsel to be kept behind castle walls."

"I know that. You've saved my life more times than I can count." He said, one hand going to his hair. "But that doesn't mean you're immortal. If it is a trap and someone has Jurda Parem, we may not be able to stop a massacre again." 

"But if it's not and we don't stop the rumors, this kind of thing will only grow." She countered. "Let's do this." One of her hands went to grab his, and he felt a cold metal band that wasn't there before.

Oh.

Alina had the Lantsov Emerald on her finger. His eyes lingered there for a few seconds, before going back to her eyes as if looking for something.

He shouldn't hope but did nonetheless.

"Okay. Let's do this." He conceded, and she nodded to him, grateful for the support. He squeezed her hand.

"Are you done, lovebirds?" Zoya snapped. "We have a mob to disperse." She directed them to the back door. "We can go out through the back, no need to make a scene." 

"How many people are we talking about?" Alina asked while they walked through the corridors.

"A hundred, almost two. I can't fathom how that many people have nothing better to do."

"If they're really from the Apparat's most fanatical supporters, then we need to be careful. They can become violent pretty quickly." Nikolai added. The man had grown a steady and dangerous political space for him over the years.

"Why do we have him as a spiritual guide, again?" Alina said. "Can't we just get him out of the palace? I never liked him."

"My father was obviously an awful judge of character when he gave him power, and now we have an unstable country on our hands. If we take him out of his position he may very well be able to cause a religious uprising, and that is the last thing we need right now." 

"We need to have proof of treason to safely get rid of him," Zoya said. "and I'm working on it," She winked at Alina. "but for now we have to deal with things the slow way. Believe me when I say you're not the only one that would love to never see that creepy face again."

"Let's get this over with," Alina said as they got closer to the gate. A dozen of Grisha with their new uniforms were there with them waiting for orders, forming a line to protect their generals and king. They could hear muffled sounds of distress and shouts from outside.

"Are you ready?" Zoya asked Alina. She nodded, planting her two feet on the ground in a summoning position.

"Open the gate!" Nikolai ordered, and they listened to the metal and wood grating sounds of the gates as they slowly opened to reveal the mob, the screams getting louder.

" Sankta Alina is no more! Heretic!" One shouted.

"The Starless Saint will return!" Another one screamed.

"Starless Saint? That one is new." Nikolai questioned. He had a bad feeling about this.

Alina stepped one foot forward and the Grisha followed suit, getting into a defensive position. Putting her hands up into the sky as the gate fully opened, everything soon went white in her searing light.

Chapter Text

Alina was still exhausted from the day before. Dispersing the mob hadn’t been difficult, as people quickly dispersed when she stepped over the gates with orbs of hot white light on her hands. Some went to their knees, while a few more aggressive fanatics tried to get closer to her, being peacefully stopped by her squallers. They only needed to show she was still the Sun Summoner, not hurt people.

One protester, though, didn’t seem fazed by the commotion, and what scared her was the old journal in his hands. It looked awfully close to Morozova’s journal, and he kept on going in her direction chanting old words she recognized as old Ravkan along with much older words, ones she may have used as well. He was trying to use Merzost against her, but was quickly knocked off by Zoya in the middle of it, and only escaped royal prison because some of the other protesters, all in dark tunics, took him in their arms and fled the scene.

The royal intelligence later briefed them with new intel, naming the radical group as The Cult of the Starless Saint. Even if the Apparat was behind the commotion, it seemed like it had taken on a life of its own: the cult wanted to see the Darkling recognized as a saint, and that was something that the Apparat certainly had nothing to do with. 

After everything the country went through and all the destruction Aleksander had caused, people went and worshiped him.

She was glad they burned his body, as she was certain they’d be the kind of people to search for his bones to wreak havoc.

The main problem she was faced with now was the new awful effects using her powers had on her. Something was definitely wrong, and her power pulled at something that it wasn’t meant to. As soon as she stepped onto royal grounds again and the gates closed behind them, she let herself fall onto her knees as she couldn’t hold herself up.

She hadn’t used her summoning powers in that intensity since the Fold, and that familiar tingling she now associated with merzost came back in full intensity, covering her whole body, her vision blurring.

“Alina!” Nikolai had shouted, coming over to her and quickly taking her in his arms before she hit the ground, feeling the sand the Fold brought to their doorstep and that still lingered. 

“What happened?” She could hear Zoya saying faintly through what felt like a fever dream, the world spinning in and out of focus.

“Nikolai.” She struggled to say his name as she felt pressure growing on her chest. “My room.”

“Send Genya and her most trusted healer to her quarters, now!” 

She could feel the shadows around her, within her, wanting to be let out. Nikolai ran with her in his arms through the palace corridors in the direction of her room. As soon as she felt the soft covers of her bed and the door click shut, everything she was trying to hold back forced its way out, and a gust of darkness came out of her chest in a grotesque way, unfurling and making her spine arch until it hurt with the effort to let it all out.

The room’s natural light dimmed and the temperature dropped, and she saw tendrils of shadow go up until they reached the ceiling, revolving around each other and creating what looked like an intricate tree trunk, until it eerily stopped in the air. Nikolai looked frozen on the spot, and Alina could swear the shadows were looking at him, before dissipating a few seconds after.

She didn’t remember much after that, slipping out of consciousness and only waking up the day after, with a disheveled Nikolai on a chair by her bedside. He looked worried and sleep deprived, perking up when she stirred awake and moved to sit on the bed. 

“Hey-” He wasn’t able to finish his sentence as Zoya entered the room, calling for him on what seemed like urgent business. 

“I’ll be back as soon as possible.” He had told her as he grabbed her hand and squeezed it before leaving the room.

He didn’t come back though, which in the end was for the best. Exhaustion took over her again after she read the intel about the cult of the Starless Saint left on her bedside table, and she quickly went back to sleep, only waking up later that evening by a gentle nudge from Genya.

“How are you feeling?” She asked when Alina opened her eyes.

“Remember when Zoya threw me to the other side of the training quarters and I ended up with a headache for a week after I hit my head?” She asked, and her friend nodded. “Try that over a hundred times.”

“Ouch.” 

“Yeah.” Alina agreed. “How is everyone?”

“Everyone’s doing fine, and the news of you summoning light in public are spreading, which is good news. I see you got the report on the…” Genya looked at the files on the table, not finishing her sentence.

“Yes. I still can’t wrap my head around it.” She confessed, and the redhead nodded ruefully.

“After all he’s done, to think people want to put him on an altar so they can pray for him.” She almost spit the words.

“I am so sorry, Genya.”  She took her friends’ hand in a comforting motion.

“It’s not your fault.” She conceded, squeezing her hand back. Some of the tension that they had between them since the coronation had seemed to dissipate.  “Let’s change the subject. Nikolai told me what happened here right before I came in. Do you have any idea what triggered it?”

Yes, she had.

“...I think my sun summoning did.” Alina said, flinching.

“That’s bad news.”

“I know.” She agreed. “I think more than one thing triggers it, actually. When I’m angry, for one.” 

“Were you angry yesterday?” 

“Not really, just worried. That’s why I think it was something different this time. I think the shadows came out just as strong as the sun summoning did, as if to balance them out.” 

“You can’t think this is the world balancing itself. Right?” Genya scoffed. “Without a shadow summoner, now you have to be both?”

“I don’t know, Genya.” Alina took her hands into her face. “What I do know is that this is the price I’m paying for saving Mal.” 

“You can’t be a Shadow Summoner too, Alina. The country won’t accept a queen that has the same powers as the black heretic. They barely accepted the Darkling as the second army's leader as it was.”

“I won’t be queen, Genya, you know that.” She pointed out. “This engagement is just a ruse to keep the country together.”

“Is that why you started to use the ring again? I wasn’t the only one that noticed it, you know.” Genya said.

Alina looked at her hand. No, it wasn’t because of that. Or not just that. 

The ring had started to feel right. She didn’t know what to make of this feeling, but leaving it on her night stand as she was doing before seemed wrong.

“Are you starting to have feelings for Nikolai?” Genya asked bluntly, making her eyes go wide.

“ What? ”

“You know it wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world, right? After we solve your… summoning problem, I wouldn’t mind having you as our queen.” She said to her, with a small encouraging smile. “I am still mad at you for using merzost, but you’d make a good one.” 

“Thank you,” She said, a little emotional. That meant a lot to her.

She could help Nikolai rebuild the country if she were queen, more than as a second army leader. Alina knew they could protect the country and restore it as a better Ravka, one that protected Grisha and otkazat'sya equally, together.

But the thought scared her, because thinking like that would mean a marriage that worked just as means to an end, a political match. And she didn’t want a loveless marriage, she wanted more not just for herself but for Nikolai as well. 

At the same time, things weren’t as black and white as before. She remembered the day  they discussed the terms of their engagement, after she went to his room to accept the proposal. It would be just for the world to see, and things would stay the same. They could do it as friends, and she could still be with Mal.

But although she still loved Mal, that love felt different now. She would always love him but they were on very different paths, and she was at peace with that. She loved to read his letters and always wrote back eagerly, but their banter had a different kind of fondness to it. Alina still missed him as if a part of her was taken from her, and she didn’t think that would change. If she wasn’t Grisha, if everything had happened differently, then maybe they might’ve worked out. But as things were now, she didn’t see them coming back to a life where they’d be together. She had her duties with her people, and he needed to explore the world and find his place in it - and she felt that place wasn’t with her anymore. 

At first the thought of it hurt, and a lot. But she realized it didn’t anymore.

Thinking about Nikolai on the other hand set butterflies in her stomach. Ones she refused to acknowledge for some time now, but were there nonetheless. He was the one person in the palace she felt not only safe with, but understood on a level she hadn’t felt with anyone in her life so far. By being the king, he understood her burdens as a sun summoner and the weight of being labeled a saint, while she understood him and the fine line he walked to maintain his position as royalty with the whispers of him not being a legitimate heir (and what did those matter, really? He was easily the best king Ravka had in centuries).

With Nikolai things felt easy . They felt right .

Maybe Genya was onto something.

"I'll leave you to rest. Will I see you at dinner?" She asked, getting up.

"I think I'll eat in my room today." 

"That's a good call. Get all the rest you can get, tomorrow we'll have a long meeting to decide what to do about the cult and what are the next steps of your upcoming public appearance." 

"Can't yesterday count as that?"

"Wouldn't that be nice? Unfortunately no. We need you to speak with the people, go to villages. The words of a few fanatics witnessing your light summoning will only go so far. We need to solve the problem first, but we can't postpone this much further." 

"We can't have nice things, can we?"

"No, we can't." Genya agreed. "Now go back to sleep, I'll tell the kitchen to bring you something soon."

"Thank you, Genya." 

"It 's no problem."

"No, for everything. You're being a better friend than I deserve right now." 

Genya smiled at her, this time fondly. 

"We all made mistakes. I can't hold yours over your head when you don't hold mine over me. And you were right," She confessed, sighing. "I'd do the same as you, if I could. Sleep well." She said, leaving the room right after and closing the door with a click.

Alina couldn’t sleep, though, so she rose to take a bath and change clothes to a compromise between presentable enough to go out but comfortable enough to rest if needed, something light and similar to the dresses she would use at open sea, but with golden Grisha embroidery all over the blue fabric.

What if her summoning had changed forever? She thought when she was finally ready, looking at herself in the mirror. It wouldn’t be the first time she had to reorganize her thoughts and redefine who she was. She was once Alina Starkov, First Army Junior Cartographer, Mal’s little friend and no one important. Then the Sun Summoner, the daydream of reuniting a country torn in half. Now she was a promised Queen with the mission to mend a country that needed, more than anything, a beacon of hope. Couldn’t she find herself again as something new? An Etherealki with the ability to bend light and shadow to her will? 

Could she reconcile this with the duty to be this symbol of light and good to a whole nation? Maybe she could be a symbol of balance, instead. That didn’t sound bad in her head. 

Still looking to her own reflection Alina lifted both of her hands and, holding her breath, tried something different. With one hand, she summoned her familiar light as a small orb, but called to the shadows, the ones she could feel within her, with her the other one. They came easily to her. 

She held both powers in her hands, and it didn’t feel wrong. She could prove the Darkling wrong, and be more without being corrupted. 

She closed her hands, joining the opposing powers to dissipate them. It was a contradiction, to summon powers that worked against each other. But it seemed that the power she released required an equal amount of the opposite, or at least she theorized that that was what happened to her. The shadows demanded to be let out in equal amounts. 

If that were true, it was going to be a problem for the whole sun summoning parade Genya was working on. Maybe she really needed to find a cure for it, even if temporary. 

She wished to work on her translations again, as she felt close to finding out something important there. Alina remembered the scheduled translation session she had with Nikolai just as she heard a knock at the door, probably dinner . She needed to leave a message to him saying she was in a good shape to keep their meeting. She’d ask the guards on her door to send a note.

Opening it, she found her dinner tray at the hands of no one other than the king she was just thinking about.

“I don’t remember having requested special delivery for my food today.” She joked when the surprise wore off.

“Only the best for the best in our palace, Ms. Starkov.” He quipped, entering the room as she opened the door wider for him. “I was just about to see how you were when I spotted the food going the same way and thought well, better to intercept it and offer my awesome company for dinner.”

“I was just thinking about you.” She said, and he looked at her as if caught off guard.

“Oh? Were you?” Nikolai inquired, his eyes alight with surprise at her confession.

“I was about to send you a note asking to keep our translation session today.” She elaborated. 

“Don’t you need to rest?” He asked, going to the small table near the fireplace and letting the food tray there.

“I feel fine now. I think we are really close to finding something meaningful there,” She paused. “You arranged food for you as well.” Alina looked as Nikolai opened the lid, revealing twin dishes.

“A king has to eat at some point.” He reasoned. “I might’ve planned this a bit more than I let on.”

“I see.” She said, one eyebrow up.

“What? I didn’t want to eat alone.”

“The dining room is hardly empty at this time of the day.” She fired, getting closer to the table.

“Yes, but I guessed there would be no Alina Starkov there today, and that’s too empty for me.” He fired back and then paused, alarmed. “Was this a bad idea? I can go and let you rest on your own.”

She felt a warmth rise from her chest to her cheeks. It was nice to be missed. 

“No, I would love the company.” She smiled fondly at him, and he sighed theatrically.

“That’s the right answer, because I asked for cake to be brought as dessert. I’d have to keep it all to myself otherwise.”

“Oh, that's evil .” 

“I can be mean when the time asks for it.” He winked at her and pushed back one of the chairs, offering it to her. Before she could process the information (and be flustered) he went serious. “How are you feeling, Alina? I was worried.” 

“I feel fine.” 

He shot a skeptical look at her.

“No, seriously. I think that what happened was actually meant to balance the scales.” She said, sitting down. He sat on the opposite side.

“What do you mean by that?”

“Think with me for a second. There are no shadow summoners in the world now. Maybe this is the way it found to reach an equilibrium.” Alina theorized, picking at her food.

“But there were no sun summoners in the world for centuries and the Darkling didn’t just summon light for it.”

“None that we know of . Maybe no one found them and they lived ordinary lives.”

“That’s a theory.” He said, eating from his plate.

“You don’t like it, do you? Would it be that bad if I was right?” Alina asked and got up, frustrated.

“It’s not that I don’t want you to be right, just…” Nikolai stopped, a hand going to his hair in a nervous habit. “I don’t believe good things come out of merzost , that’s all. This is a power that corrupts, Alina. Destroys.”

“Mal is alive because of it.”

“Yes, and now the sun summoner is summoning shadows.”

“Shadows that saved us at the coronation.” She reasoned.

“Do you want to stay with these powers, Alina?” Nikolai shot.

She paused.

“You can be sincere with me.” He got up.

Alina closed her eyes for a few seconds, then walked in the direction of the fireplace, soaking up the warmth of the fire in silence for a few moments.

“I don’t know.” She confessed, looking at the flames. “It doesn’t feel wrong .”

“Power rarely does.” He offered, and she could hear his footsteps coming towards her. “It doesn’t mean it's right.”

Why Nikolai always made so much sense? 

Maybe it didn’t feel wrong because she was corrupted by merzost. She already had the power of three amplifiers, and her power was enough to tear down the Fold, the darkest and most powerful creation known to men. 

Why did she want more power?

Because just sun summoning wasn’t enough to keep the ones she loved safe before.

“If you really think this is something to keep, I’ll support you.” He said as he got closer, and she turned to look at him, stunned. “We’ll come up with something, say exactly what you said to me, that this is balance. If there is one person I believe is capable of holding this kind of power without being corrupted it is you. No one else. We can convince the country as well, damn the fanatics.”

“Would you really do that?” Alina asked softly.

He lifted one hand to her face, cupping it slowly as if asking for permission.

“I swear that to you Alina,” He promised in a low tone. “But if you are not sure, if you have just a sliver of doubt, then I ask you to think deeply about what you’re saying. This can be the very beginning of a bad path. One we can still try to stop.”

She looked into his eyes, looking for something, and lifted her hand to fit his, finding its warmth comforting.

“Okay. I’ll think it through.” 

“Thank you.” He uttered, stroking her cheek.

They stayed there for a few moments, and something shifted as she realized how close they were. His eyes changed, and slowly went from her eyes to her lips, then back. Suddenly that didn’t feel like a bad idea anymore, either. How could it, after what he just said to her?

“Nikolai…” She breathed.

“Alina.”

She knew he wouldn’t do it. He had almost promised not to, after all, so it was up to her. If she wanted, she could easily reach up, close the gap and-

A knock at the door made her take two steps back in a flash. 

“It must be the cake.” He said, with his eyes closed in what looked like frustration. 

“Yeah. I’ll take it.” She said flustered, going to the door in one quick motion to receive the damned dessert. 

The rest of the dinner went by amicably, as if they didn’t discuss their fates or almost kiss. Nikolai made it easy to go back to their usual banter, and she suspected that was his superpower, as he could always easily control the atmosphere of the room. A little while after they finished their plates and ate dessert Nikolai went back to his room to retrieve his unfinished translations, and they went to the war room to discuss their notes. They only stopped their work when Nikolai noticed Alina’s blinks were lasting more seconds than usual, and he insisted that she needed some rest, but she made him promise to rest as well before going back to her room.

Unfortunately, he didn’t keep his promise.