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When Viktor brought out the bourbon, Jayce couldn’t exactly say no. It wasn’t to his tastes, but Viktor liked it, and he didn’t want to drink alone. It had been a rough week for him, two parties and a speech he couldn’t get out of. Even though he wasn’t a speaker, just being onstage made him anxious.
So here, now, how could he say no to a glass of brown liquor that in the end, made Viktor happy.
He sloshed the liquid around, it had legs, thin creeping veins of liquid that clung to the sides. Apparently that was a good thing. He looked beyond the glass to the floor. Viktor had been laying there for the past half an hour. He said it was good for his back.
By Jayce’s estimation he could have been on his third cup, lightly tipsy for Viktor. If you didn’t know him well you might miss the signs, but for Jayce the difference was night and day. He was more talkative for one, dropping small bits and facts in his life as if it wasn’t new information. Which Jayce greatly enjoyed, he felt like a gold panner everytime Viktor told him something about Zaun, or his early school days. Others may not have understood how privileged the information was, but Jayce kept holding onto each and piece. So when Viktor spoke, Jayce was already hanging off of his every word.
“Do you want to hear something funny?” Viktor said from the floor, his eyes glittering as he looked back and over to Jayce.
“From you? Of course.” He took another sip of liquid.
“I kissed someone at that party two nights ago.” He tilted his head just slightly, positioning himself to look directly at Jayce. A mischievous smile matching his playful tone.
“Oh?” This was curious, Viktor very rarely divulged any details of his love life. His last break up had to be coaxed out of him two months after the fact, with some very very heavy drinking. “Who was the lucky guy?”
“Dr. Webber.”
Jayce blinked. Webber? That couldn’t be right, Dr. Webber was the seismologist and tertiary speaker that night, also a woman…
“Wait…the Dr. Webber that spoke before us? The one in the green dress.”
“That’s the one.” He said lightly, “I told you it was funny.”
“But you don’t- I mean…or do you?” Leave it to Viktor to upend his entire perspective of the man.
“Oh I still prefer men. I was just…thinking about information accepted as truth despite a lack of first hand evidence.” Viktor’s golden eyes were focused on him, his face somewhat blank as if he was waiting for Jayce’s reaction.
“What does that have to do with kissing Webber?”
Viktor turned his head to look at the ceiling, unfolding his hands from his stomach.
“I accept that Runeterra is a planet shaped like a sphere, despite the fact that I have never been to the heavens to look at it at a distance.” He held up one hand extending his thumb, “I accept that the core of the planet is molten stone, despite never witnessing the phenomenon myself.” Next his index finger extended. “I accept that I prefer men, despite never experiencing intimacy with a woman.” His middle finger went up. “Do you see what I am saying?”
Jayce put down his drink, almost a little frustrated at Viktor’s line of thinking. “I get what you are saying, but they’re two very different concepts.” Viktor lowered his hand, positioning his head once again to watch Jayce.
“The mathematics proving the shape of our planet have been done dozens of times. Likewise scientists collectively agree and published many papers regarding its structure.” He shook his head a little at how odd his rationale was, “We have pictures of magma.”
“But have you done them? Those equations?” Viktor said doggedly, “Have you seen the planet's core with your own eyes?”
“Well…no.” Jayce admitted.
“Then how do you know? ” Viktor pressed.
“Because I trust my peers!“ Jayce said a bit defensively, “Besides, what does that have to do with you? You should know yourself better than anyone else. You should know who you find attractive.”
“I do!“ Viktor said lightly, “Look, let me try again, you do not like pickled food, correct?”
“Right…”
“That is a preference that is personal to you. However, I factually know you have not eaten every pickled item of food. So I ask, how do you definitively know there isn’t one out there that you might enjoy?”
Jayce could feel his jaw clenching, theoretically Viktor was more or less correct. “Okay I get what you mean, I can’t definitively say that there is no picked food item that I might enjoy. However statistically the evidence suggests that the odds of finding a picked food that I enjoy is relatively impossible.”
“But never zero.” Quipped back, pleased with himself.
Jayce rolled his eyes, “So what? Is Dr. Webber your statistical anomaly?”
Viktor blew a very undignified raspberry, “No. Not at all… but she was interested, and in that moment so was I.”
Jayce's stomach turned at the thought of his friend disingenuously kissing someone for a statistical data point. “Alright, so what was your conclusion from your little experiment?”
From his vantage point he saw Viktor’s shoulders shrug. “Still gay.”
“So pointless.”
“Not at all. I now have a definitive experience that backs up what I already knew as a truth. I am not interested in women.” His face was rather blasé, but turned to concern as he focused on Jayce. “You seem…frustrated.”
Truthfully Jayce wasn’t sure how to feel. Viktor could go around kissing whoever he wanted, it shouldn’t matter to him. But it did. For reasons he couldn’t articulate. His stomach twisted.
“I’m not. I guess…” he tried to drill down into the feeling. “Was the doctor mad?”
“No. It was a party, she was amiable, when I gently told her I did not want to pursue her further, she seemed fine. I saw her sneaking off with someone else later in the night.”
Jayce played with the condensation on his glass. Helping a droplet merge with another and run down the side. Where was this feeling coming from?
“I hope you do not judge me too harshly Jayce. When I was younger, I think I missed out on what most young adults would consider their own…experiments. I would not have done this if I felt I was going to break that young woman’s heart.” He gave Jayce a tight lipped smile.
Jayce thought back to his own younger self at University parties. Happy to mingle and flirt but too shy to pursue his own desires. He too had put that on hold. He found himself nodding to Viktor’s statement.
“Is this the case for you as well?” Viktor said curiously.
“Ah yeah.” He rubbed the water between his fingers. This conversation was not an easy one, but Viktor was thoughtful and kind. And while it was slightly embarrassing it felt alright, considering Viktor went through the same thing.
“Ah. A shame…” Viktor said softly.
They lapsed into a slightly tense silence. Jayce used his finger to draw circles in the water collecting on the glass. He thought back to a party, early in his days at university. A handsome upperclassman had caught his eyes. He smiled crookedly, tilting his head and hooking his finger. The universal signal for ‘come here’. He had fled. Intimidated by his sheer confidence and brazen desire. It was overwhelming. He could hear them laughing as he turned tail.
Come to think of it, he had gold eyes too.
“Jayce, would you like to kiss me?”
The words cut through the silence like a knife. Jayce felt his neck twinge, with how fast his head snapped.
Viktor had moved to sit up, leaning over his knees with a half smile playing on his face. “I feel as though you won’t truly understand unless you replicate my results.”
“Viktor that’s-“
“Come now. I’m willing, it’s a harmless act.” He waved Jayce over with a hand.
Jayce’s heart raced.
“I… don’t think I can do that.” He couldn’t look Viktor in the eyes. Viktor was his friend, not some stranger he would never see again. It felt wrong to test the waters of his curiosity with someone he would see day in and day out. Not to mention the use case Viktor was talking about…it wasn’t the same.
“Viktor, your experiment doesn’t apply to me. You’re using an example to prove your aversion to an experience, but I-“ It was a very personal admission, but in all fairness Viktor had been very open with him tonight. “I have no aversion to this scenario. I’m just hesitant because…replicating this with you…makes me nervous.”
He snuck a glance at the other man, there was no judgment in his face. Just the slightest notch between his brows, his head tilted subtly to the right as he processed the information.
“Huh…I wouldn’t have thought I would make you nervous.” He clicked his tongue and focused on a point beyond Jayce. “Well I suppose if you have the data you need, it’s not necessary.” His mouth twitched slightly into a smile. Small, genuine, accepting. A very Viktor way of expressing his support for Jayce.
“That’s the thing though, I don’t have the evidence.” He let out a weak laugh. “I’ve never… that is… it’s never worked out.”
“That’s very unfortunate, you deserve to be kissed thoroughly and enthusiastically.” Even as he said it Viktor’s face blossomed to an all encompassing blush. He opened his mouth as if to add something else, but then reconsidered.
Viktor was very sweet. And kind. And warm. His chest tightened, thinking about his friend. He was so lucky to have him in his life.
Viktor’s gaze lingered around the room, before settling back on Jayce. The blush had not abated from his cheeks. If anything it made his brilliant golden eyes stand out even more than usual. He gave Jayce a small honest smile.
So different from that upperclassman so long ago.
Maybe.
Maybe he could still…
“Viktor…would you help me verify a hypothesis?”
Viktor’s eyes went a bit wide, “Em, yes of course.”
He stood up. His legs felt unsteady, but he knew it wasn’t because of the drink. He walked over to Viktor. Dropping to his knees in front of him.
Viktor was watching him cautiously, his blush was even more intense up close.
“Are you still willing… to let me use you for this?” He licked his lips searching Viktor’s face for any hesitation or discomfort. Instead Viktor smiled. A twitchy sort of amused expression. The barest hint of confusion in his eyes.
“Use me? I think that implies I get nothing from this. Which I assure you is not the case.”
Jayce felt himself leaning in. Despite his nervousness he seemed drawn in. “What do you mean?”
“Ah,” Viktor smiled crookedly, “That is a secret.” He tilted his head, staring intently at Jayce’s lips, “But enough talk, come closer.”
He reached up, making contact with Jayce’s neck, bringing his hand up and around the base of his skull. Gently coaxing his head down, closer and closer still. Jayce closed his eyes, equal parts excited and nervous.
Then he felt it. Viktor’s warm, dry lips pressed against his own. It lasted almost a moment, before he felt Viktor pulling back.
He opened his eyes, they were still very close. Viktor was looking up at him through his lashes, eyes boring into his own looking for their own answers. Golden flecks behind a curtain of dark brown.
His heart felt like it was going to burst from his chest. A tight, even thumping, accompanying the roar in his ears. He even thought he could smell the other man, soap and oil, sweat and ozone, the clinging remains of a spicy after shave.
This was not…
“So?” Viktor said quietly, “How does your hypothesis hold up?”
The kiss was dry, chaste. Quick enough that it could have been a mistake. But this feeling.
Setting his blood on fire, making his heart race, and head spin. That was Viktor. It could only be Viktor. He couldn’t leave it alone. “I need…more.”
Viktor let out a dry bark of laughter. “Not satisfied, hm?” But he sobered slightly at seeing Jayce’s expression. “Alright let’s try again.”
He smiled, leaning in, lowering his lashes. Jayce met him in the middle, but this time he was determined to be an active participant. He felt Viktor’s lips again, pressing a bit harder now, feeling them compress against the teeth. He opened his mouth, just a little. Hoping Viktor moved too.
But he wasn’t left hoping. Like always Viktor took something good and poured himself into it. Opening his mouth to take Jayce’s lower lip between his teeth and give it a gentle tug.
The pretense of gentleness out of the way, Jayce brought up his own hands to Viktor’s cheeks. His thumbs tracing his sharp cheekbones as he opened more for the other man. He let his tongue push its way past his own mouth, into his partners. It was inelegant and messy but there were no worries about judgment or technique. Viktor was letting him have this, a chance to try something new. Something he would have never dared to ask for himself.
Beneath his hands Viktor showed no signs of pulling away. Only tilting his head slightly for a better angle, matching his own enthusiasm beat for beat.
Viktor’s tongue was now exploring his mouth. He could taste the bourbon on his tongue, woody and smokey. Bitter and sweet. More muted than what sat in his forgotten glass. Perhaps he would like bourbon more if he could always have it like this.
Viktor eagerly pushed his tongue further into his mouth.
Warm. Soft. Sweet. Slow. Viktor was taking his time. Unhurriedly he explored his mouth, caressing his tongue, filling him. Jayce couldn’t help but groan at the attention. Rarely were his partners so forward, preferring him to take the lead. But…
But
Gods did it feel good. To be taken care of, to be so wanted by someone he regarded so highly. Someone like Viktor.
Viktor’s hand moved from the back of his head to his cheek. Giving him a small swipe of his thumb before gently pulling away.
He was still blushing slightly. His eyes, soft and gentle. “There now. I think that should suffice.” His demeanor was light and pleased with himself…but Jayce knew him. There was something hidden, something untrue about this. He was pulling away for a reason.
“Did I-“
“No, no,” Viktor interrupted, throwing up his hands waving away the very thought, “I em…we are both a little tipsy. Yes? Anymore and we might not be able to laugh about this tomorrow.” He chuckled nervously, staring at the floor.
The mood had suddenly gone cold. Viktor withdrawing in on himself. The same energy when asked to speak publicly, or someone coming on too strongly too quickly for his liking. Shuttering himself away.
“Viktor…I’m not tipsy.” He said slowly, “And I don’t think that you are either…”
Viktor’s eyes narrowed. His mouth twitched. Then like a curtain dropping onto a stage; his expression muted. Face falling into a look of flat apathy.
“You hate lying that much, hm?” He said dryly, “So much that you can’t even lie to yourself…”
Even sober Jayce was having trouble keeping up, “What are you talking about?”
Viktor sighed, “I’m giving you an out.” He glanced up, the softness gone from eyes completely. “Turn around. Walk away. And we can blame this on the drink.”
“No.”
A flicker of annoyance crossed Viktor’s face.
“Viktor. I’m not doing that.”
Against the tile floor his knees had begun to ache. His ankles awkwardly turned inward to provide himself a seat, but he would be damned to try and move now. The tension in the air hung like a soap bubble. One wrong move and it felt as though everything would fall apart.
Viktor stared down at the floor, eyebrows knitted together.
“What did you get from this?”
Viktor’s expression shifted again, brief ticks annoyance, hesitation, then resignation. Like waves on a beach they washed over his face then left as soon as they came.
“I’m rather selfish. Did you know?” The smallest hint of a wry smile playing at his lips, “Even when we met I told you I had no intention of staying as just the Dean’s assistant. I used you, for my own advancement.”
“I needed you-“
But again Viktor’s held up his hand. “It was mutually beneficial, yes. But still - I used you.” He stared off over Jayce’s shoulder, his expression finally resembling a hesitant vulnerability.
“And now…I asked you to kiss me under the pretense of experimentation. Rather flimsy…I know. But I’m selfish. And it’s what I wanted.” His eyes, bright yellow, focused on him. Sharp as glass. An edge that Jayce rarely saw, but still always there under the surface. As if challenging Jayce to tell him he was wrong for such a thing.
“So I thought…maybe…I could ask. I could tell you, finally, what I wanted, and you could laugh at me.” His eyes slid back to the floor.
“Tell me no. Tell me I’ve had too much and that my sample size was too small…” a small sad smile at his own joke.
“Then we would continue being partners, no harm no foul. Blame it on the alcohol, because not only am I selfish but I am a coward too.” He shrugged then, with a small shake of his head, no doubt admonishing himself for everything that had happened so far.
Jayce had let this go on long enough. He got to his knees, half crawling to Viktor until he was close enough to grab him. Awkwardly pulling him to his chest, wrapping his arms around him. Viktor offered no resistance, but didn’t exactly embrace him back. Awkwardly cradled like a bundle of sticks.
He wasn’t sure what to say. On more than one occasion people told him he was too honest, always too ready to tell the truth. But he didn’t have time to be delicate, not now, not when it mattered.
“I don’t like that there is a version of me in your head that laughs at you… and I’m sorry if I’ve ever done something that would make you think I would... I can’t tell you how much you mean to me. Both as a partner and a friend.”
Beneath him Viktor shifted a little, but made no attempts to pull away.
“I don’t know if there is a perfect way to tell someone how you feel… I sure as hell don’t know….Maybe that’s what we work on after the hexgates, hm?” A little joke, but Viktor stayed perfectly still.
He sighed, “The truth is…I don’t know how I feel about you.” He knew it wasn’t what Viktor wanted to hear, but what could he say?
“I woke up this morning and I knew how I felt. We had lunch, worked beside each other…”
“And I fucked it up.” Viktor said quietly.
“No!” He tightened his grip, “You were electric! You were soft and sharp and sweet, and so good . Unexpected and hot. And I don’t- I don’t want to taste bourbon again unless it’s from your mouth!” Breathlessly he laughed, the words were now tumbling from him unbidden. “So I don’t know how I feel! And I think that’s okay! This is really really new for me. So-”
He looked down, and found Viktor staring up at him in confusion. “What?”
“Do you not like bourbon?” He asked.
The question drew a surprised bark of laughter from him, “What?”
“The bourbon, you said you…do you really dislike it that much? It’s an excellent batch.” He pulled away a small amount, just enough to look up at him more comfortably.
“Viktor did you not hear me I-”
“No of course I did, but then… why do you drink with me? Why not suggest something else?”
Jayce could scarcely believe it, of all the things for Viktor focus on right now. Here he was pouring his heart out and- and- “Because I enjoy spending time with you, you idiot! I just want to know you!”
Viktor owlishly looked up at him, “Oh.”
“Yeah…” Jayce reached up and rubbed his forehead. At least in that respect tonight had been a success, both he and Viktor had learned about each other tonight.
“Jayce…do you mind letting me up?”
“Do you still think I hate you?”
Viktor let out a huff of air, “No. No I do not.”
“Good.” Jayce let his remaining arm fall, allowing Viktor to scoot away from him, putting his back to the desk behind him. Jayce watched him take a deep breath and stare off into the distance.
“Are you okay?”
Viktor’s eyes slid over to him, wincing and slightly chagrined. “I’ll be alright…better than I thought at least…”
Jayce could feel his own eyebrow raising.
“It’s not every day someone calls you ‘electric’.”
And his smile. Jayce felt his chest tighten. The lopsided split of his mouth, the mole near his lip near to disappearing in the crease of his cheek. The golden eyes that he now knew were soft only for him. He looked away, embarrassed for reasons he couldn’t articulate.
They would be alright, and maybe, once he really pinned down how he felt, they could try again.