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Theo thinks he can hear the stars.
He doesn’t tell Liam, preferring to avoid the risk of the other boy doing something ridiculous like agreeing with Theo. Everyone’s been doing that lately; agreeing with Theo. He supposes he brought it upon himself, having spent years plotting and scheming and thinking, something the McCall pack can’t seem to do without their brightest members. Both who hightailed it to the other side of the country, looking for greener pastures than the clusterfuck that is Beacon Hills, California.
Nevermind that Stiles and Lydia call at least twice a week and fly back for holidays and long weekends. Nevermind that, every now and then, they give input on what to do about the monster-of-the-week, even though everyone mutually decided to give them a break from the supernatural. Nevermind that Theo almost left, but turned back and stayed because something in him wouldn’t let him leave. Nevermind that Beacon Hills isn’t a place to escape, but one to call home. Nevermind that the pack ridiculously agreeing with Theo feels dangerously like trust. Nevermind that Theo knows he’s part of the pack, that trust is a given.
In any case, because the two most competent members of the pack aren’t actually around, being the brains of the operation more often than not falls to Theo. Scott calls it teamwork, Theo calls it desperation. Which isn’t to say Scott is useless, he is the True Alpha after all, and comes up with a decent idea or executable plan about as often as a full moon. He’s just been floundering a little after Stiles and Lydia’s departure. Theo understands this.
What Theo doesn’t understand is how he and Mason seem to be the only two people in Beacon Hills who have developed critical thinking skills. Because Theo knows Mason wouldn’t survive all these supernatural disasters or be able to keep up with Deaton’s cryptic emissary-druid bullshit if he didn’t at least have a working brain in his skull. Theo would give Mason more credit if he didn’t constantly have his mouth glued to Corey’s, but then again, just about every other thought Theo has is about Liam in one way or another, and Theo’s never been much of a hypocrite.
Theo doesn’t even consider Liam, because while the beta does contribute to these discussions, his ideas generally rely on putting himself in harm’s way, being the bait. A strategy that Theo, very obviously, does not want Liam to copy. Which is why, upon general consensus, they’re attempting to lower the self-sacrificial streak in the McCall pack. Results pending.
While Theo is more than grateful for this new implement, if only so Liam doesn’t give him a heart attack at the ripe age of nineteen, Theo has no idea how he’s supposed to prove himself to the pack. It left him clueless and scrambling, because Theo found that forgiveness is best earned in life or death situations. It is by far the most efficient and most meaningful way Theo can apologize, so he needed to come up with a new modus operandi. It doesn’t matter that they’ve spent the last year forgiving Theo, not when atonement is still on his mind.
The thing is, when Liam found out what he was doing, he punched Theo with enough force to fracture his jaw. Said something about stupid, selfless chimeras that needed to redevelop their self-preservation skills, had a fierce glint in his eye that kind of made Theo want to kiss him, so Theo was bullied into letting it go.
Which brings him to now.
It was Liam’s idea to decompress after getting rid of this week's threat: some obscure Baba Yaga knockoff who, funnily enough, was shit at following recipes and forgot to put children in her pies, and even more shit at keeping the children she kidnapped kidnapped, and all five brats made it home without a single bite taken out of them. So Liam all but dragged Theo to the Preserve, which yes, was entirely possible when Theo was the one driving, and demanded Theo make a nest with the blankets and pillows he still had stashed under the car seats so they could stargaze in the bed of his truck.
Anyway, Theo is positive he can hear the stars. They’re quiet in the sky, trillions of years away but lingering and insist that Theo pay attention to them. It’s almost as if they’re talking to him, but why would they? Would they have anything good to say to Theo after all the brutal, merciless, wicked things he’s done under their watch? Why would they speak to someone brutal, merciless, and wicked?
He backtracks then, and considers the cruelty of stars. He finds none. He finds that stars are tiny consolations in the dark, they are compassion, shining bright from another world. They are not cruel, they are light. It reminds Theo of Liam. It’s near blasphemous to assume a burning ball of fire would travel millions of light years just to insult Theo. Or tell him the truth, whatever it is.
He can hear them though. He knows he can.
He hears them screaming themselves raw and rough, crying until there’s nothing left to do but hiccup, begging someone to hear their desolate call, grieving the inevitable burnout. They plead and plead and plead against this eternal loneliness, too far to ever be learned and loved. Theo shudders, he’s been there before.
He hears something else.
They sing together, harmonizing their voices into a sweet melody Theo finds himself getting lost in. Their laughter is unshackled against the surrounding darkness, free free free. When they breathe, they breathe as one. Inhaling the sorrowful night and exhaling pure, unfiltered starlight. Theo thinks he can hear the heartbeat of a star, pulsing and humming, loud and solid in his ears.
It might also be coming from the boy curled up next to him. Soft smiles and hushed excitement as he traces constellations for Theo.
“That’s Sirius, the brightest star in the sky,” Liam says and points somewhere to the left before dropping his arm between them. Theo misses it, too occupied with the way the moonlight shone against the delicate skin of Liam’s hand.
“Where?” Theo asks, needing to see the curve of the beta’s fingers once more.
This startles a laugh out of Liam. “What do you mean where? It’s literally the brightest star in the sky! Y’know what? Here,” and he scoops Theo’s hand up in his, uncurls his index finger and points their joint hands toward a bright, winking star.
“Oh,” Theo says lightly, “I thought that was the North Star.”
Theo doesn’t have to shift his head sideways to look at Liam’s expression, nor does he need the tell of the rich, disbelieving chemosignals currently radiating next to him to know that Liam’s face is the picture of incredulity.
“The North Star is in the north.”
Theo hums. “We’re laying down, Liam, everything is north.”
This time, Theo cannot help but tilt his head to look at the beta, just in time to see him blink rapidly, and Theo instantly zeros in on his fluttering eyelashes. So beautiful. Theo is sure he can hear cogs creaking in Liam’s head as he opens and closes his mouth, eyebrows furrowed. Theo doesn’t blame Liam for this reaction, the chimera has always had an above average intelligence and never misses an opportunity to show it off, it’s no wonder Liam doesn’t know where to begin with a directionally challenged Theo. It’s so ridiculous that Theo can’t hold himself back any longer. He doesn’t fight the grin tugging at his lips and lets the growing warmth in his chest spread over his body.
“That’s not how—” Liam cuts himself off when he feels Theo’s shoulders shaking against his, the sound of tittering laughter filling the calm air. Finally catching on, Liam scowls and knocks their shoulders together. “Jerk,” he growls harmlessly.
“God,” Theo says, breathless, “you're so easy.”
Liam’s answer is a skipped heartbeat and a squeeze of his hand where they’re still connected. Theo could see the blush rising steadily on Liam’s cheeks, even in the dark. Theo doesn’t think about that much, he’s always been able to see Liam.
Theo takes a minute to admire Liam’s features carved from his silhouette. The curve of his forehead is smooth and soft, and Theo has to tamper down dangerous thoughts, like how it would feel if Theo brushed his lips there. Theo has to do this again when he traces down to the dip and rise of Liam's nose, suddenly overcome with the desire to nudge and rub it against his own. Theo doesn’t trust himself to linger on Liam’s lips and focuses on his chin instead. It’s jutted out, like it’s begging Theo to touch it once more.
Suddenly, Theo feels an uncomfortable pull in his chest. He’s felt the defined bone of Liam’s jaw under his knuckles before, and tries not to think about the fact that Theo has punched Liam’s face more times than he’s held it, that he left bruises instead of kisses.
Theo sighs and turns his head toward the sky glittering above them.
Stars don’t have to worry about personal redemption or falling in love with angry little betas. Stars don’t have to worry about cold scalpels and needles biting into their skin or the sting of wolfsbane-laced bullets lodged in their chest and back. Stars don’t have to worry about belonging in a world that doesn’t want them or about protecting and saving lives not theirs for a second chance. Stars don’t have to worry about crawling and clawing their way through life. Stars don’t have to worry about survival.
Not like Theo did. Did, because the McCall pack is too forgiving and kind for their own good. Did, because Scott and Liam aren’t slick, none of them are. Did, because the pack stretched themselves thin proving to Theo that he’s part of the pack for the better part of a year after they defeated the Anuk-Ite and Monroe and her trigger-happy band of self-righteous dickheads. Did, because the pack is completely relentless with affection that never seems to run out, to the point where it’s damn near suffocating. Did, because Theo hates that he loves this pack so fucking much for seeing the worst in him, experiencing the worst Theo had to offer, and accepting him anyway. Did, because Theo knows he’s not surviving right now, not anymore; he’s living.
Theo thinks it started with Liam. No, he knows it started with Liam, because for Theo, everything seems to come back to Liam. It started with every split lip and broken nose Liam gave him. Scattered among his rage and bitching Theo felt himself seep out slowly with the accompanying blood. A gust of wind to dying embers. Liam, the winding gale breathing life into Theo’s eternal flame.
Sometimes, when the pressure on his chest is too much, Theo feels like he’s underwater, drowning in his horrific past. The pack, his pack, might have forgiven Theo, but Theo hasn’t quite forgiven himself. No matter what good Theo does, he can’t help but feel undeserving of this steady life he sees before him. Thinks it’s too easy, that he’s been lucky. The thing about luck is that it has a time limit, and Theo can’t help the sinking feeling that coils in his chest whenever he thinks about how much time he has left before his luck runs out. Liam, bless him, is usually the one to drag Theo out of these shattering thoughts, but it’s something that keeps circulating in Theo's mind. He’s caused so much hurt, and doesn’t even have the decency to have the scars to prove it.
Theo flexes his lonely hand.
The unbroken skin of his knuckles are healed over and hidden away like a nasty secret. Scars that have long since stopped marking his body even when they should—especially when they should—because Theo was lucky enough to never have a physical reminder of his pain, of the pain he caused. But that could mean Theo never felt true pain. Is all the hurting and the aching real if it’s not tangible? If it can’t be seen, what makes it real?
Theo knows what makes it real, always has. True pain is emotional pain, he had to learn that the hard way, utilized it, even. For so long Theo assumed he was the exception to this rule, that he was special, different. If only the bleeding hearts of the McCall pack hadn't worn down his sociopathic tendencies, if only they hadn't reminded Theo that he is, and always has been, human.
It started with Liam, then continued with Scott, then Mason, then Lydia until the whole pack fell like supernatural dominos. They gave him life, accepted him, and cared. There are times when Theo couldn’t believe it. Times when he asked himself if the True Alpha himself really invited the chimera to a sleepover of all things with Stiles of all people, attempting to recreate the few childhood memories Theo was allowed to keep. And Stiles fell too, fucking Stiles, and this bastard blew up his phone on a near daily basis like he wasn’t busy working for the government on the other side of the country, continuously demanding to know when he was going to make a move on Liam, sending unsolicited advice and outdated pick up lines that Theo wouldn’t use even under the threat of yellow wolfsbane, genuinely thinking they would work, in an attempt to get the romance going, the fucking pest.
He didn’t expect Lydia to fall either, especially not as quick as she had. While on an impromptu shopping trip, he took the liberty of reminding her that he was the reason she had a hole literally drilled into her head because of him, to which she responded that it was her mother who sent her to Eichen House when she would have been perfectly fine at Beacon Hills Memorial, and that Theo had nothing to do with the appalling medical practices going on in that humanitarian crisis of an institute. She did say that the only thing she was even remotely upset with was when Theo pushed her into a hole in the tunnels of the operating theater that one time, but reminded him that he did say sorry beforehand, so really, he should accept her friendship unless he wanted her to tell everyone where they were because they shouldn’t have been shopping actually, not when there was a pack meeting going on right now that Lydia convinced him to skip. The threat didn’t have any weight to it though, not when Lydia pointed out that no one would be upset by their absence because they had pretty privilege. All except Liam, probably.
Theo never expected Malia to fall, but it’s more accurate to say she tripped, fell, and just decided to stay down, too lazy to get back up. She gave him the cold shoulder for months after the war, only working with him out of necessity, but growling at him less than usual. Theo thought it was pretty valiant of her to try to fight the coyote in her that still trusted Theo, that longed to trust him, but then, Theo still isn’t sure how it happened, a few months ago they started a routine of running fully shifted through the Preserve at least once a week. They let their animals do the talking, and it fell together from there.
The rest of the pack, dubbed Puppies by Stiles, had no issue inserting Theo into their daily lives, aided by Liam and Mason. Something shifted in their relationship after they witnessed Theo take Gabe’s pain, particularly for Mason. Corey, who Theo still had a connection with from their previous disaster of a pack, began to trust Theo again. No one was surprised when Theo and Nolan (because Scott let the wannabe hunter into his pack, hoping Argent would take him under his wing) got along like a house on fire. Mostly because they knew how it felt to be the one that started the fire, struggling with redemption together. Theo quickly became an older brother to their newest stray, Alec.
There were pack hangouts planned, fun to be had, a groupchat to be made. Theo and Alec actually endeared themselves further to Stiles and Mason by being the only other people to have seen all six Star Wars movies, and accidentally started a chain reaction by making an exclusive groupchat that Liam, Scott, and Corey constantly whined about being left out of. Liam, the son of a bitch, retaliated by making a supernaturals-only chat. Then Mason made a chat for the humans. Then there was one for everyone not a wolf, which only left out Scott, Liam, and Alec. The elder pack already had their own chat but added Theo, and Alec made one for the Puppies, also adding Theo. No one saw the Parent Pack chat coming. Lydia was in every one of them.
These were Theo’s first steps to living. To letting go of the unbearable weight of pain he’s carried with him for years. Because of this pack, because of Liam, Theo knows he has the capacity to love and care. He knows what the warm feeling in his chest means when Melissa says she doesn’t trust anyone besides Theo to bring her dinner. Knows what the dizziness in his head means when he’s around pack. Knows what the shake in his hands mean when his friends, his friends, are in danger. Knows what the pull in his entire body means when he watches Liam smile at him from the passenger side.
Theo’s hands spent too much time closed in fists and claws and blood. Now he wants to spend the rest of his life with his hands open and free and curled around Liam's.
As all humans do, Theo knows he has scars, but the only one that matters to him is the scar buried under his skin, wrapped around his ribs and secured deep within his chest. His only scar is not his scar, but his sister’s. Her heart. His heart.
Does it matter whose heart it is as long as it’s still beating? Liam asked him that once. What does it matter? Of all the hearts that have stopped beating, lives no longer able to be lived, Theo is still here. He’s here and he’s alive and he has people who care and he has a heart full of pumping, pulsing blood and his resting heart rate is a healthy average of 69 beats per minute, and he knows this because Liam’s a fucking child who won’t let him forget. He’s fucking alive, and he’s grateful for it.
Theo focuses on the constellations above him. They’re twinkling at him, and that's when Theo hears it: See me. I am here. I am good. I am still standing. I will not be left behind. Look at me. Look at Me.
When Theo feels a hot tear sliding down his face, he finds it hard to stop the rest once the first have fallen. Theo hasn’t lost control in a long time, and this feels like relinquishing the tight grip he has on his core, it doesn’t feel like surrender. It feels like freedom.
When Theo sniffles, he feels Liam sit up instantly. He assesses Theo with a tenderness in his eyes that Theo never would have imagined is for him, and Theo let the sobs wrack his body.
“Oh,” Liam gasps softly, “baby,” and he has this sweet pout on his face that makes Theo slam his eyes shut, and he continues to cry harder. He feels Liam wrap himself around his body, one hand coming up to cradle his face and the other carding through his hair. Liam coos at Theo, whispering assurances with a syrupy, anchoring voice.
They stay like that for a while, but eventually Liam says, “Look at me,” in a low murmur.
Hiding isn't something Theo does anymore, especially not around Liam. That began gradually, dropping his mask, deciding not to conceal his chemosignals and heartbeat, then with a shudder, it tipped over, his abundance of emotions spilling out until he was laid bare and exposed, not dissimilar to his days with the Dread Doctors, only this time, Theo is a willing participant, this time he's offering himself freely. He wanted Liam to look, to see, to know because he knew Liam ached to devour every part of Theo that he was allowed, and Theo needed to be consumed by love and starlight.
That’s why they’re here tonight, stargazing. Like a lot of things, far too many, Theo’s never done this before. He never had time to stop and breathe in the crisp California air. He’s never had time to enjoy himself, to relax. Never had time to be a teenager and sneak away with a pretty boy to Lookout Point well past midnight. Not until now. Theo suddenly realizes he can do all of this now, can do anything he wants without the low hiss of failure ringing in his ears. There's nothing left to haunt Theo. Not anymore.
All at once, Theo felt the pressure constricting his chest melt away. No pressure to live two lives. His and Tara’s. Wolf and Coyote. Beast and Human. He doesn’t want to struggle anymore, he wants to live, and he’s going to live all of the lives he can.
Theo doesn’t want to hide. Opens his eyes. Liam doesn’t say anything, he just holds Theo and waits.
Then, Theo does something amazing: he forgets the stars and begins memorizing Liam.
Theo doesn't know where to begin with Liam, not really, but he knows it's something that will never end. His love, his anchor, his Liam. While they've never made anything official, or ever talked about this thing that's been simmering and growing between them since Liam dragged him out of the Skinwalker prison, they know. They know, and it's always only been a matter of time before they take the final leap.
Liam is so kind, so strong, so caring. He’s still cradling Theo's face and the gentle touch makes him sob even harder. He knows how Liam feels about him, he’s known for a while, and how someone so full of love and light has enough for Theo. It’s too much sometimes, and now he’s looking at Theo like he’s something precious. Like he’s worth it. Theo wants to be. He wants it more than anything.
He presses their foreheads together.
Theo and Liam are far from being cut from the same cloth, yet Theo feels that they are sewn together by the bone, wound so tightly that Theo can't help but breathe the same air as Liam. Can’t help but want to show him everything, to be more than who he is. It’s become a routine for Theo, shedding his skin and showing off his soul. But now, taking in the night, Theo realizes he wants more. He wants Liam, he’s ready to have Liam.
Theo forgets whatever meaning he found in the stars. He jumps.
“I’m alive,” Theo decides against Liam’s lips, heart full, and kisses him.
There is no one in the world that can push Theo to the kind of lengths of passion and resolution and devotion like Liam can. No one else cements Theo’s compassion and will power like Liam. It’s Liam who dug his way into Theo’s skin and bones and settled into the tissue there. The rawest parts of Liam are the ones Theo loves and admires the most. Theo’s very image of bravery and heroism is Liam’s portrait, hung in the hollows of his heart. It’s Liam whose hand Theo wants to hold as they make their way to the future. With Liam, he wants to experience everything.
With Liam, Theo can live in a way that matters.
Theo lived a life that left him battered and bruised, and he found it fair to return the favor. But now, after everything, Theo thinks they’ve come to an agreement, reached a balance that was never before offered by either of them.
The feeling Theo is most familiar with is pain. This feeling now? He wants to get used to it, to be swept up by it at every chance, and wants to be wrapped in the sheer intimacy with every breath he takes from here on out. He starts with Liam’s mouth pressed to his, and breathes.