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Rustling from the other side of the marui woke him up for what felt like the millionth time since the funeral a week ago. At this point, he wasn’t sure if his youngest son ( only son, a voice inside his head reminded him) had heavy feet or if he was just a light sleeper. Probably a mix of both; he was trained by war, and stealth on stretchy floors was nearly impossible.He considered ignoring it, as he had been doing, and going back to sleep. Neytiri’s peaceful face and warm body were tempting enough, but concern for his son wouldn’t let him. Lo’ak had been leaving during the night and returning just before first light; he could tell how exhausted his son was, and he wasn’t sure if the lack of sleep was the only one to blame for the exhaustion.
After considering his options, he got up.
“Jake?” He winced slightly at his mate’s voice. These days getting a good night of sleep was impossible for her, and here he was, ruining one for her.
“I’m going outside for a second, it’s okay. Go back to sleep.” He kissed her forehead, and she fell back asleep immediately.
The air outside of the marui had goosebumps forming on his arms. He didn’t know where Lo’ak could be and, for a moment, he felt foolish for even walking out to look for him. His son probably didn’t want to see him, and it hurt to think about; he wished an “ I see you.” could fix everything. He knew it didn’t. He knew it never could.
Jake walked along the shoreline, the night was so quiet the sound of crunching sand beneath his feet could be heard. The path seemed endless, and he was starting to think that the wiser choice would be to turn around and wait for his son to come back in the morning when the shape of a young Na’vi sitting on the sand started to become visible. He walked towards it carefully; even when he was sure that it was his son his steps kept their hesitation.
Lo’ak’s ears twitched at the sound of his approaching footsteps, he turned around, and, for a moment, Jake swore he saw a brief flash of fear in his eyes.
“Sorry, sir. I know I shouldn’t have gone out.” Lo’ak’s eyes stared straight down.
The way he sits down on the sand is anything but graceful. He places a gentle hand on Lo’ak’s shoulder, and feels his son tense under it.
“You’re not in trouble, don’t worry.” He tries to keep his voice as soft as possible, if only to convince his son of the truth in his words. After a second, he removes his hand.
They stare at the sea in silence. Plants and animals made the water shine with their bioluminescence. He didn’t think he was capable of loving any place as much as the forest, but the sea was beautiful in its own way. The silence was going on for too long; he decided to break it.
“What are you doing out here so late?” He asks. The response doesn’t come quickly.
“Net-” Lo’ak starts, but the words seem to get caught in his throat. He closes his mouth and tries again. “He used to come here, sometimes.”
“Oh.” Jake knows that an “oh” isn’t good enough. He wants to try again, and add something; something that is insightful, something that sounds wise, but he doesn’t dare open his mouth. Opening his mouth would lead to questions spilling out of him. Why did Neteyam come to this specific place? How often? Did he enjoy the view from the shore? Were the waves calming? Did he come alone, or with someone else? Neteyam wasn’t alive anymore, though, and there would be no point in asking his younger son these questions for he might not even know the answers.
Neytiri would know what to say, he thinks, she was always the one the kids would go to to talk about anything regarding emotions. Even he knew nothing could truly compare to her advice. She wasn’t on the beach with them, though, so, when he thinks he has control over himself again, he speaks.
“I don’t think I’ve ever told you about my life before I met your mother.” He glances at Lo’ak and finds the boy looking at him, curiosity evident in his eyes. He continues talking. “I had a brother,” He had hoped that, thanks to how long it had been, talking about him wouldn’t hurt too bad, but his heart constricts all the same. “We were twins. His name was Tom, but everyone called him Tommy, and he never stopped bragging about how he was six minutes older than me.”
His eyes stung and his breath shook. Jake didn’t know how it was possible to miss someone this much after so long.
“What happened to him?” Lo’ak’s voice sounds shy, and the idea that his bold, outgoing, and stupidly brave son could sound shy was almost amusing enough to make him chuckle.
“He got shot, Lo’ak.”A wave of anger washes over him as if he was being told his brother had been killed for the first time. He stares at the calm water in front of him, perhaps hoping that if he stared for long enough something could be fixed and he wouldn’t need to have this conversation with his son.
“He was an amazing brother, very similar to Neteyam. He was always protecting me, and making sure I wouldn’t do anything too stupid.” A small laugh escaped from his lips. “I loved him, and I’m sure he would’ve loved meeting you.”
“Do you still miss him?” Lo’ak’s voice trembled. Jake was sure that the answer he gave would answer a different question for Lo’ak. Probably something along the lines of ‘Will I miss my own brother for a long time?’. He was sure they both knew the answer to both of those questions.
“Everyday.”
A choked off sob came from Lo’ak. He turns to him, and opens his arms in a silent invitation. Lo’ak throws himself into the hug, and clings to him as if he will disappear. Jake couldn’t remember the last time he held his son properly. It was probably before the war; before hugs turned into pats on the back, and lessons about living in the forest turned to lessons about surviving on the battlefield. There wasn’t a single thing he wouldn’t give to go back to those days, but no sacrifice would magically transport them back. He only had the now, and not giving his kids enough love would not be a mistake he was going to keep making.
His arms tightened around Lo’ak, and he rested his chin on his head. His son was sobbing uncontrollably. For a moment, the ridiculous idea that his son might run out of air passes through his mind making him worry. He keeps whispering words of reassurance, “you’re okay”’s slipping past his lips as if in prayer.
The shaking body in his arms was a crude reminder of the fact that he had failed; he hadn’t protected Neteyam from the dangers of war, and he hadn’t protected Lo’ak from the pain of losing a brother.
“I’m sorry, dad. I’m so sorry. It’s all my fault.” Lo’ak spoke in between sobs, his words garbled by his crying.
“No, baby boy, it’s not your fault. Don’t say that.” He presses his lips to his son’s head, hoping that, somehow, that would help him understand the words better.
“You don’t understand,” he wailed. “ I made him go back with me to save Spider. I should’ve gone alone, or not gone at all.”
“Lo’ak, son. Look at me, please.” It hurt him to pull his son away from his chest, but Jake needed him to understand that the guilt was not his to carry. “Neteyam loved you so much. He was your brother, and would’ve done anything to keep you safe.” His voice cracked. “It is not your fault, Lo’ak.”
“Ok, dad..ok”
He pulled his son back into his chest, and eventually his sobs turned into soft sniffling. When he yawned and snuggled closer, Jake knew he was about to fall asleep.
“Thank you.” Lo’ak mumbles, voice rough.
“I love you, Lo’ak.”
Jake tried sneaking back into the marui, but alone his weight made the stretchy floors whine, with his son asleep in his arms it was impossible. When Neytiri’s ears twitched, he wasn’t surprised. She watched him from the opposite side of the marui while he laid Lo’ak down on his sleeping mat, her eyes following his movements lazily. When he laid down beside her, she moved closer, chasing the warmth of his body.
“Is everything okay?” She asked, her voice laced with sleep.
“Yes, everything will be.” He answered in a whisper, wrapping his arms around her. As he was lulled back to sleep by the sounds of their new home, and his family with him he knew, for sure, that they would be okay.