Chapter Text
Billy: My honest opinion of your mother? You want my rawest honest truth of your mother?
Julia: Yes dad. We want to know how you feel about mom.
Billy: Your mom is easily, undoubtedly the most…I mean is there even a word to describe that woman?
Julia: Dad you don’t need to sugarcoat or exaggerate…or feel the need to lie about how you feel.
Billy: Is that what you all think? You think I don’t think the world of your mother?
[Pause]
Your mother is one of a kind, and I don’t use that phrase lightly. Your mom is truly, truly one of a kind. Your mother is love. She is the literal embodiment of love. The embodiment of strength. Light. Home. The type of woman your mother is…well the world doesn’t deserve your mother, I sure didn’t deserve your mother… I never did.
Susana: Can you tell us more?
Billy: Your mom is loyal, trustworthy, selfless, wise, honest, nurturing, undoubtedly beautiful and not just physically but emotionally, spiritually, mentally. And she was so damn stubborn. [laughs] I mean it was like talking to a wall sometimes. She was just so damn stubborn…especially about me. She always believed in me, from the very beginning. I mean my dream to be a rockstar isn’t conventional and most used to laugh and call me a dreamer, but she—she didn’t. She came to rehearsals and supported me at the mini venues. She was our first band manager, making calls, keeping record of the money, videotaping our performances, I mean the list is endless.
She didn’t give up on me when…[takes a deep breath] I was drowning in my addiction. When she walked in on me betraying our marriage. When I wasn’t there for her and you [Julia] when I missed your birth. She didn’t give up. And I know how much that hurt her; when the person you love the most is the one who doesn’t show up.
She had every reason to walk out on me, to call me all kinds of names, to keep Julia from me…yet she didn’t. She stayed. She had faith and believed there was good in me despite all evidence saying otherwise.
Julia: Mom telling you she was pregnant with me was the reason you went off the rails…so did you—I don’t know— ever think if I was never born you and mom would still be together? Or do you think about how different things would be if mom wasn’t pregnant with me at that time?
Maria: And us too? We weren’t exactly planned either. Mom told you about me and Susana when you both were separated…and you were pursuing another relationship.
Billy beckons the girls to come closer.
Billy: Hear me clearly when I say this.
Julia Mariana Dunne, Susana Lucia Dunne, Maria Elena Dunne… I. Will. Never. Regret. YOU. EVER. Not in a million years. Not in a trillion years. Not even if the world was ending. You guys are easily one of the greatest things that’s ever happened to me. Regret you? No, not possible.
Julia you aren’t the reason I fell into my addiction or infidelity, I’ve always been a mess and I never dealt with it. You were the trigger of something that was a long time coming. I didn’t know how to be a dad. I didn’t want to fuck you up like mines did me. I wanted you all to have what I didn’t have. It’s hard to say if your mom and I would still be together or how different things could’ve turned out…but I don’t want that. I don’t want an alternate reality without any of my girls.
When your mom told me she was pregnant with the twins, I didn’t want to repeat what I did with Julia’s birth. I wanted to be there in any way I could while I was on tour, so I would call frequently to check on her and you girls, how Julia was doing, the twins…how she was. I don’t know if you remember but we used to have our daddy/daughter talks.
Julia: Yeah I remember. I missed you and we stopped going to your shows.
Billy: Yeah… the calls exchanged, my conversations with you were substantial; the ones with your mom were brief. Probably no longer than 3-5 mins, and I understand. I hated that so much, because we used to be able to talk for hours and even if we weren’t, we bathed in the comfortable silence. I wanted to talk longer but your mom kept it brief, understandably; she needed space and time. So unless it was necessary for us to speak, we didn’t.
I did use to interrogate her about needing anything, for herself and the twins, or Julia. She would brush me off, and let Julia tell me what she wanted, but she was so relentless in not needing or wanting anything. Either way, I’d make sure to have a good sum of money sent to her. She’d call to protest but I was firm in her taking the money, if not for herself, then for you girls. I just wanted her to have any and everything. I just wanted to be clear that this time, I was going to show up and support her and you girls.
Maria: What happened the night you and mom separated? The Chicago Stadium show.
Billy: [Deep exhale] I broke her heart.
I remember her sitting down and asking me.
[Pause]
[Takes a deep breath] “what can she give you that I can’t?”, and she wasn’t yelling or screaming, she was hurting and genuinely wanted to know.
And I told her, “she just understands me”.
Your mom asked, “you don’t think I understand you? You don’t think I see you?”
And I hesitated to respond, she was trying to conceal the pain but I could see it in her eyes and it broke my heart what I was doing to her. But I had already lied to her while lying to myself and I didn’t want to keep doing it.
At the time, I felt like yes, your mom understood me, definitely but like 70%. While I felt like Daisy understood me 100%. Me and Daisy were the same. I thought she had to be my soulmate.
She asked me again, “Do you love her?”
And I said “yes”.
She nodded her head and I can tell that I broke her heart…again. She held her tears back…didn’t want to cry in front of me. I can’t even count how many times your mom suffered at the whims of me. I wanted her to be mad. I wanted her to yell or scream or hit or kick at me but she didn’t. It was like she was more sad that we didn’t work out. I was so mad at myself for putting us in this position. I was mad that I was the one hurting us. She deserved better, she didn’t deserve to be treated the way I treated her and our marriage.
Susana: What happened afterwards?
Billy: We sat there in silence for a while before she stood up and slipped her ring off and placed it in my hand. And told me—this is how much good your mom has in her—“I hope you find peace within yourself and happiness with her.”
Even after that, she made sure we were still a family. She could’ve kept me from seeing you guys, but she didn’t. She didn’t let her personal feelings towards me prevent your relationship with me. She wanted you girls to have a dad, and she wanted you girls to always see me in a good light despite what’s going on between us. She’s just good like that.
Even after I relapsed while I continued on tour. She didn’t let me go down that path again. She saved Daisy too.
Julia: You know, there was a time…I think I hated you.
[Silence]
Billy: I know.
Julia: I just wanted us to be a family like everyone else’s. As I grew older, I used to always be frustrated with mom when she didn’t tell me why you and her weren’t together…why we couldn't be a family. And then I had a vivid memory one night in my room after being angry and accusing mom of being the reason we weren’t a family.
The same night at the Chicago Stadium I believe, I vividly remember her anguished face. She returned to the room and I remembered the tears cascading down her face. I remember her trying to be quiet so she wouldn’t wake me or Nanny Carrie up. I remembered it all. I was so young but seeing mom’s face after I blamed her triggered that memory. And it just clicked in my head that it wasn’t her…but you.
I didn’t know for sure until I hugged mom and said “he hurt you”. And when she didn’t respond, it confirmed everything for me. I felt betrayed and hurt.
[voice crack] I hated you. I hated you for hurting her. For breaking our family apart. When it was your time to have us, I didn’t even want to go because I was so angry with you. Because I had this perfect image of you in my head and once that image was tarnished… it broke my heart; you broke my heart.
Billy: [voice cracks and eyes watered] Yeah I remember. Your mom used to have to force you to stay and spend time with me. It hurt me that the strain in our relationship at the time was my fault. I’m sorry for breaking your heart babygirl.
Julia: [a tear slip] I was a child. I just didn’t understand why she kept forcing me to have a relationship with you—why she wanted Susana and Maria to have a relationship with you after you hurt her. And then she told me, “What happened between me and your father, is between us. Not between you and him, or Susana or Maria. Just us.”
And then she said—
[deep breath as tears start to fall slowly; Maria and Susana start to tear up]
She said that your love for me, Susana, and Maria was the one thing that was true. And that I should never forget that and forgive you. And so I did.
[A tear slips down Billy’s face]
Billy: Thank you for forgiving me. C’mere girls.
Billy pulls his girls into a big hug, kissing the top of their heads.
Susana: Okay okay no more sobfest.
They all laughed while wiping their tears away.
Maria: So did you ever find peace with yourself?
Susana: And why didn’t you and Daisy's relationship last if you guys were supposedly in love with each other? Were you happy with her?
[Billy exhales deeply]
Billy: Me and Daisy weren’t in love. Me and Daisy—sheesh—we were a mess.
Me and Daisy didn’t work out because we simply weren’t meant to be. Did I love her? Yes, I still do. But am I in love with her? No…and funny enough I don’t think I ever was. Being understood so deeply, that connection… It's like playing with fire. I mean truly, Daisy and I had so much in common, so much and back then, we were both a mess. Two lost souls? And it felt so good to be understood. To have someone know exactly how you feel? To love what you love and hate what you hate. That rare connection is once in a lifetime. Writing the Aurora album, we had to be intimate. That’s the only way to write an authentic album. Over time, we just built upon that.
I thought I was in love. I really did. But really I just was so infatuated with Daisy, and the fire and passion and the chemistry we had and the music that…at a certain point I prioritized the music over your mom. Over you [Julia] even. I wasn’t really there and when I was there, I still wasn’t there. My mind was on the music and Daisy.
Maria: Did your relationship with her trigger you to relapse?
Billy: uhhh truthfully, yes? I was trying to help Daisy become sober but it wasn’t easy. Recovering from an addiction is never easy and I don’t know why either of us thought that I could be her water. I was struggling with the same things she was.
At first, I was good but it’s like…I wasn’t grounded anymore? And that was a part of the problem. I felt untethered and not in a good way. Daisy was free-spirited and reckless, and kind of just floating? If that makes sense, she was floating. And being with her, made me float. Yeah, that’s the best way to explain it. Me and Daisy floated in the orbit of our artistically creative, passionate and emotionally connected relationship. The tours…man there were so many parties and drugs and alcohol and I tried to hold Daisy accountable, reminding her of rehab after we finished the tour, but I couldn’t fully do it when I was struggling. Felt hypocritical. It was all a blur honestly but suddenly I was drinking once a day, then twice, and it was slowly increasing. Everytime I tell myself I won't do it again, I’d look at a photo of you girls and think I believed myself…then we’d play another show and I would be with Daisy and the band and I would do it all over again.
Julia: Did any of the other band members notice? Uncle Ram? Aunt Karen?
Billy: At first your uncle didn’t know, I was discreet about taking a shot here and there. But soon he started to catch glimpses of me drinking. He didn’t want me to go down that path again but I dismissed him, told him that I can handle my alcohol this time around.
I know he didn’t fully believe me, I could see it in his eyes. But then again, I wasn’t drunk off my ass so, I don’t know, he probably felt impartial. Karen probably felt the same, never actually confronted me or voiced her thoughts but I knew it probably came up as a topic between her and Graham.
Either way, at the time, I couldn’t even tell you when I gave into the temptation. I just did.
Susana: How about now? Can you recall when you gave into it?
[Long Pause]
Billy: The moment I gave into Daisy.
The moment I lost your mom.
Julia: Mom?
Billy: Yeah, I mean you girls were my motivation to live everyday but…so was your mother.
Being with Daisy, it felt like being overly consumed with fire. It was so thrilling and exciting, and our connection... because as I said before it feels good to be understood. That feeling makes you feel so in sync with a person, that you actively feel like you’re on a level no one else could possibly ever be. I used to think your mom didn’t understand or know me like Daisy because of that feeling but really, your mom knew me better than myself and Daisy.
Daisy… she’d never experienced that feeling of being grounded, of having someone be your water, of having someone balance or complete you. I did though.
As a person and rockstar, I would drift and forget to come back to Earth but Camila brought me back down; she grounded me. Me and Daisy were two sides of the same coin, she is my twin flame but she could never complete me. And I could never complete her.
When Teddy died, it was a hard loss for both me and Daisy. He was the father or in Daisy's case, parent, we never had. I just wanted the funeral to be done and go get a drink.
That was the first time I’d seen your mother and Julia since the Chicago show. She was maybe 6 months pregnant by then; and for the first time in months, I was consumed with a sense of calmness only her presence brought. And even though Daisy was beside me, I felt like everything would be alright with your mom and Julia by my side.
After the funeral, she eventually confronted me about relapsing once Julia was asleep. I wanted to ask her how she knew but [exhales] it was pointless because of course she knew. Your mom just knows me and I suspect the same is me for her. All those years being with someone, you don’t just forget how to know someone, especially not a woman like your mom.
Julia: What did she say? Was she mad?
Billy: She wasn’t mad, I mean we just buried someone we loved, didn’t think she had the capacity to be mad even if she wanted to. She was patient before telling me “ you won’t be going down that path again. I won’t let you. Not when you have a little girl I know you adore with your whole heart, and two more on the way. Not when you hated that version of yourself. Not again.”
She got up and came back with a drink in her hand. She told me to drink it because this would be my last one, and it was.
She'd also had a conversation with Daisy. Daisy was worse than me and I don’t know what was said, that’s between them but I was sure Daisy had been at the end of your mom’s blunt honesty; because by the end of that tour intermission, me and Daisy sat down and discussed dismantling the band to put distance and get help.
Susana: Is that why the band broke up?
Billy: Yeah, one of the main reasons at least.
Maria: How did you and Daisy break up?
Billy: During Daisy’s time in rehab and me getting back on the wagon, we took the time to heal. Individually and together, we healed from our past, acknowledged how unbelievably selfish we were, how we hurt innocent people, and came to the conclusion that we, as a couple, wouldn’t last. The chemistry is there but…Daisy and I barely had any romance.
Love is more than just having passion and chemistry, because you can have those things uniquely with a lot of people. Building a foundation on those principals doesn't result in a sustainable relationship. Love is also more than just good times, laughs, making love, it’s imperfect. Love is forgiveness and faith and patience and honesty, and discipline and holding those you love accountable. Me and Daisy didn’t have that. We enabled each other, we were impatient, argued explosively and would begrudgingly take time to forgive, we questioned each other…we just clashed because we were the same.
We came to a mutual decision to separate, but we still love each other just not romantically.
But she also said that my heart was truly never fully with her. And I knew what she was talking about, I went through enough self reflection and healing to know.
Julia: Where was your heart?
Billy: Well, with your mom of course.
Susana: You were in love with mom while you were with Daisy? Again?
Billy: I never fell out of love with your mom. I just fell into temptation with Daisy.
Your mother is and always will be my soulmate, the love of my life. She is my water. She’s my Aurora. She's my daybreak. She’s my senora. She’s my better half. She’s my rock. She completes me. She’s…my everything, along with you and your sisters of course. She was just…it for me. But I just—I just took advantage of her. I destroyed our marriage, that was all me. I forgot to remember her, to appreciate the woman she truly is and was. I broke her heart way too many times, more than she of all people deserved.
Julia: Does mom know this? That you’re still in love with her?
No. She knows I love her and knows I always will but I think she thinks it comes from a place of her being the mother of my children.
Maria: Are you ever tempted to tell her?
Billy: All the damn time. Will I? No.
Maria: Why not ?
Susana: You’re in love with her, why not fight for her?
Billy: Because she doesn’t deserve that—I don’t deserve her. She’s finally getting the love she deserves from a man who is far more worthy than me. She’s happy and after everything I put her through, I don’t know a person who’s more deserving of it.
And truthfully, I’m more than content knowing that she’s happy. Knowing that you girls are happy because you all are my heart.
Unbeknownst to Billy and the girls, Camila was standing outside of Julia's bedroom door listening to his every word.