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The rooftop was nice. It was the one place without expectations. It didn't really matter what they were up here, or what they wore, or who gave a damn about whatever they did. Maybe there was a hint of suicidalness to it like some others theorized. They weren't even really sure. For the time being, they just chalked it up to the company. "Hey, Kamishiro," they said cheerily, waving to perhaps their only real friend.
He waved back in return, though he didn't say anything, sketching in his notebook busily as he chewed on his sandwich.
"What are you drawing?" They peeked over his shoulder at the paper slightly stained with drying coffee.
"Thinking of making another drone. I saw what happened yesterday after school. I told you, you should let me know when you need my help. I thought I could look out for you better if I had a drone for you. I could even give it a little bow, see?" He pointed with his eraser, but the smile had faded from their face.
Of course he had seen. They couldn't even have some of their humiliation to themselves. "It's cute."
"What's wrong, Akiyama?" he asked, hearing their tone. "Oh. I didn't mean it like I don't think you can look out for yourself or anything. I just want to help when I can."
They didn't respond right away. Couldn't. It was like their voice was caught in their throat. Rui understood better than anybody. It should be fine. So why did it feel so awful? It wasn't like he didn't know they got bullied.
"They do that kind of thing to me too, you know," he added, still trying to be helpful. "There's no shame in it. Maybe not that specifically. But they'll put my papers in the water fountain, or pretend to hang out with me just to get me in trouble or laugh at me. You can't let it bother you too much."
"I know." It was hard to ignore though. They'd had to explain to their mother, had to convince their sister not to come with them to school and shout at the teachers for not doing anything. Had to look at themselves in the mirror, hair cut short again in choppy chunks. Not that it had exactly been long, but the difference was still enough to make their stomach churn.
"...I don't think it looks bad."
"Of course you wouldn't. Yours is worse," they teased, at least trying to sound like he had helped. It was sweet, even if they weren't convinced. He really was a good friend.
He chuckled. "Really though. You could make it look neater. I know you were trying to grow it out, but plenty of girls wear it short. They couldn't bother you about it then."
He knew. They knew he knew, but they still couldn't bring themselves to tell him that it was more than them just being a girl that got teased for dressing like a boy. It wasn't even really true. There was no way he believed it. It just felt easier. Probably the only reason they weren't on a first-name-basis.
"I guess so. My sister's been offering to buy me extensions anyway."
"That's nice of her," he nodded, going back to his sketch.
"...You don't have to look out for me, you know. It's not your problem you have to deal with, even if we do hang out. It's just during lunch."
"You look out for me. I know you do. Even if it's just talking good about me. You do it very loudly. You're not loud, Akiyama." He looked almost fond when he said that. He really didn't let anything on campus slip by him, did he?
"Yeah, okay. Just don't stress yourself out too much. I'm a big girl, I can handle myself when I have to."
"I'm glad to hear that. You should kick their asses next time."
They smiled. "Yeah, I really should, huh?"
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It was hard not to be nervous. Middle school was finally over, they had finally started looking sort of how they wanted to over summer, but here came the first day and they were still wearing slacks and a tie. Their name was Mizuki Akiyama. That was how they would introduce themselves, appearances be damned. It wouldn't be the same as it had.
Rui came to this school. He was a year older, so he was probably already established enough. Maybe they'd still see each other, even if school was still hell on earth. They could see him from here, bag slung over his shoulder and talking to a girl with green hair. He looked… put together. They'd have to meet up with him when they could.
It was almost time for first period though, and all there was to do was sit curled in on themselves as they waited. Maybe nobody would put the pieces together. That was stupid. Everyone would know, just as they always had. Was their makeup neat enough? This was highschool, nobody knew how to do makeup well. Was their hair neat? It was only a ponytail, not much could go wrong there unless somebody brought out a pair of scissors. There was no helping it. They were dressed like a boy, anyone would know who just looked long enough. Their flat chest and still habitually wide stance, the shape of their jaw they had always hated, their still-not-completely-trained voice, the name that would inevitably be shouted across the classroom, their shoe size, their shoulders, the longer they thought the more boyish they felt.
Who were they kidding? Nothing would change just because of three months and a change of scenery.
"Excuse me?"
They jumped a little as a girl tapped them on the shoulder, smiling politely. "Huh? Sorry, do I know you?"
"Oh. No, my name is Shiraishi. Nice to meet you!" Her grin was as bright as the sun, black and blue hair sprinkled with stars pouring over her shoulders like a waterfall. "I'm a hall monitor for our year, so I got to look over things at my orientation. You're Akiyama, right?"
Oh god. They felt sick, slightly shaky, they were tempted to run but that would only make things worse. Classes hadn't even started yet, and this girl had already figured them out. "Yes?" It sounded shaky exiting their mouth. This was pathetic. This was so stupid. Maybe they should just drop out.
"Follow me. Girl's bathroom. We look about the same size." And then she smiled again, walking off like that wasn't the scariest idea they'd ever heard in their life.
What did that even mean? They had no real choice but to go after her, she was a hall monitor and they didn't feel like getting in trouble so early. Still, they took a pencil out of their bag, clutching it in their shaking hand. Maybe they could at least poke her in the face and run if this was anything too awful.
As they carefully opened the door though, there was Shiraishi, her blazer slung over her arm and taking off her tie. "There you are. Hurry, first period's about to start soon."
"Wh… What are you doing, exactly?"
"Oh." She laughed, a barking sound that made them jump a little again. "Right, duh. Uniforms! I don't mind taking yours, but we kinda needed somewhere to change our bottoms. Now hurry, give me yours."
No way this was real. Who even was this girl? She seemed like an angel instead of a potential threat all of a sudden, handing them her clothes like it really was no big deal. "Are you sure?"
"Yeah, you looked miserable."
Even so, they should probably cover for themselves. This was their one chance to just be a normal girl. "Oh. Yeah, they sent me the wrong one, it just fit a little weird," they laughed, trying to sound natural. "You're really observant."
She just nodded at that. Maybe she believed them, maybe she didn't. Either way, she'd begun taking their tie off for them since they'd just been standing there, looping it around her neck and not bothering to tighten it. "If you just go into that stall and toss your pants over, I'll toss you this skirt."
They did as they were told, quickly shuffling out of their clothes and into Shiraishi's. Their first skirt that wasn't from their family… They almost felt like crying, but that could wait. They traded socks too then, and they never thought they'd be so happy to have their socks riding down their legs constantly. They'd have to bring their sock glue tomorrow.
"Thank you so much," they said, wrapping the other in a hug probably way too tight for people that had just met.
She laughed again then, patting them on the back. "No worries. This looks cooler anyway. I'm not into the whole girly-girl thing." They finally let go, having to wipe their eyes a little despite themselves. "If you need anything, just let me know, okay?"
Mizuki nodded. "You too. It's really nice to meet you."
"Same. Hopefully we---" And then, finally, came the bell announcing class. "Shit, sorry, gotta go. Talk to you later!" And with a quick grab of her bag, off their savior ran.
Maybe this year wouldn't be so bad.
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A music group. They had been a little hesitant reading the request first, a pretty short message from someone named "K", but dming her now wasn't so terrible.
She had apparently been following her for a little while. K was a music producer, and they had apparently made something for one of her songs a while back. According to her, she'd been fascinated ever since. And now here they were. On Nightcord.
Amia: I've never been part of a group before is all. What kind of stuff do you do?
K: Music. I compose, someone else writes lyrics. We also have someone that illustrates. Here.
And then a link. K seemed simple enough to talk to, very straightforward. The song was pretty, the lyrics a bit hopeless but still something that made them feel a bit floaty inside with how it matched the backing track. Yeah, they remembered them, if only vaguely. Probably something they had designed a dress around and made an edit for to try to spark inspiration.
Amia: Sounds great! What kind of stuff would I be doing then? Mixing? Sounds like somebody can already handle it /genq
K was typing for a minute then, they had to wonder how old any of these people were. Should they announce that they were only a teenager? Only listened to K's personal music because she was the only one that made it sound like she didn't belong to her body either? That seemed like a bad thing to bring up if they wanted any chance at this.
K: Edits for the songs was what we were thinking. We use Enanan's art as a cover, but we want something for people to watch during the song too
That sounded wonderful, to be honest. They loved making edits themed around a song, whether for characters in whatever anime they were watching or just to try to capture the energy of the music. And what better way to convey that than with a classic
Amia: >:3c
Amia: That sounds awesome!!
K: Yay
She didn't seem much for enthusiasm. That was alright. That would only make it easier to keep up their persona without having to worry about wearing themselves out.
Then came another link, this time to a Nightcord group. Nightcord at 25:00 .
K: Forgot to say. We mostly work around 1 am on a voice chat. Either helping each other out or chatting. Is that okay?
Amia: Yep :) always up anyway
They probably shouldn't be. It was bad for their complexion, and probably other things too. That was when anything good was on though, and it didn't really matter if they missed school. They always made it up in time.
The group chat looked organized. It must not have been K that set it up, all the channels decorated with symbols and emojis that didn't seem her style. They went to the intros first.
- She/her. Composer. Brief, straight to the point. Yuki. She/her. Lyricist. Excited to get to know everyone! At least she seemed a little more sociable. Enanan. She/her. Artist. Insta is also Enanan. Decorated with the same bows and hearts as the channel names, she must have been the one to organize things.
This was a very serious matter. First impressions were always the funnest. They typed quickly, but hesitated before sending.
Did it matter? Plenty of cis people used she/they. None of the others did though. It seemed like an easy way to out themselves, and a dumb one at that. It was online. Realistically, probably nobody would care or notice, but they were nothing if not a bit paranoid.
This wasn't betraying themself. It wasn't cowardly. It wasn't. This was just self-protection. It was all or nothing, and they rather play it safe was all. They hit the backspace a few times, replacing "they" with "her", and pressed send. A group of girl friends, and none of them ever had to know they were different than the rest of them. What could be better?
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It had been so long since they had seen Rui. As much as they felt a bit abandoned, it was nice to see him so much more at ease with himself. He had friends. They seemed nice, at least from the time they'd spent hanging out with them all day. And to think, they'd almost not come to this dumb festival thing.
He seemed closest with Tenma, and they could tell why. He was loud, almost obnoxiously himself in a way they found incredibly fun. Whether he was really being serious or not, he had a big brother energy to him while still being a bit pathetic. Perfect for Rui. And even if Ena's little brother and his… boyfriend? Friend?... didn't seem to hang out with Rui much, Aoyagi at least liked Tenma. And they just had to tease Ena's little brother, what kind of friend would they be if they didn't? They seemed to know An too, and that was just the cherry on top. And that green-haired girl seemed close with Rui too. They were in a troupe together. It sounded like heaven for him.
They were happy for him. Really, they were. They had their own friends now, some of them even overlapping with his after today. Even so…
He didn't need them.
He shouldn't have ever needed them. It was sort of awful that they had ever had to lean on each other like that. Had to depend on each other to keep surviving the waking hell that was junior high. It had gotten to the point, at one time, that they'd swore to themselves that they'd jump if he ever didn't show up one day. It was terrible, thinking back. He would have blamed himself forever. But that was just what they had, back in the day.
He didn't need them, but they still needed him, in a way. It was almost worse with no one knowing who they really were, even if it was safer. Easier. Less to hide from. Rui hadn't run, even though he had to know the truth about things.
He'd still left though. They hadn't really talked again until today. How long would it have taken if they'd followed their gut and not showed up at all?
That wasn't really fair. They knew that, they were a lot healthier now than they ever had been when they knew him, but the thought plagued them anyway.
Surely it wasn't because of who they were. Rui wasn't like that. But still, he was gone. There was a wall between them even now as they walked side-by-side. Rui was acceptable now, and they still couldn't even really accept themselves. Who knew if anyone else would?
That was fine. They had what they'd always wanted now. No sense ruining it. They'd just continue to hide until the time was right. Something told them it never would be. But maybe that was better. As long as no one ever learned the truth, they were safe.
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Everything was going wrong. They couldn't keep lying like this. The longer it went, the worse it got. Something about seeing Rui had awakened everything again, and now it was all… off somehow.
They stared out the train window over Mafuyu's sleeping form. The sunset made the mountains they passed beautiful, but it wasn't enough to distract from their thoughts.
Things with Nightcord had went farther than they had ever meant for them to go. Hell, they had a whole pocket dimension to themselves now. They'd met in person, the other three had turned out to be a lot more than they had originally seemed to be. They were friends. Real, actual friends . And still they couldn't bring themselves to tell them the truth.
It would only be worse the longer it went in. It had been over a year by now. They weren't dumb, they knew the things that could be said about them. They'd tricked them, they were some pervert just wanting to be around girls, they were a freak of nature, just a boy playing dress-up. It had all been said before, but coming from them it would just be awful.
It might not even be something as harsh as that. They knew their friends, they didn't seem like they'd be so mean about it, but that would almost be worse. Something blunt from Mafuyu. A quiet "oh" from Kanade. Ena snapping at them for keeping quiet for so long. And what if they all left? Not even all of a sudden, but subtly, quietly? It wouldn't be the same. Nothing would be the same.
Even if they stayed. It would all be different. Quiet coddling like An had at the beginning. Compliments on their appearance every time they spoke like Rui had done back in middle school. The quiet knowledge in their eyes that even their family, supportive as they were, couldn't hide. It was sweet, it was wonderful, they wouldn't change any of that for the world but…
It would be different, whether the others would mean for it to be or not. They were sick of being different.
"Mizuki?"
Ena was awake. They smiled at her, trying to wipe off whatever expression they had had on their face. "Shh, they're probably wiped out. Kanade especially," they giggled, whispering back.
"Are you okay? You've been… weird."
If there was a time, it would be now. One was better than all of them, and they were closest with Ena. But even the thought made their heart pound, their mouth dry up, their body run cold.
They'd be so upset if they ever knew the truth.
"No, I'm okay. Just more walking around than I'm used to, I think."
She didn't look convinced, but it was at least a good enough excuse for her to settle back in, joining them in staring out the window.
Why couldn't things just be simple?
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"Mizuki, can I ask you something?"
It was well-past when they'd usually be done working, the sun was beginning to pour into their window as they edited together a few clips that were giving them trouble. Kanade and Ena had left the call a while ago, the former because she'd confessed to not sleeping for two days and had been shooed off, the latter because Akito had come in complaining about her not doing the dishes.
"Sure, what's up?"
"How are you so sure of yourself?" That hadn't been the question they'd been expecting. Maybe something about their preference for lyrics, or fashion, or anime. It was Mafuyu though, and any progress was something with her.
"Well, what do you mean?"
"Just… you know who you are, I guess. I don't know how you learn that kind of thing about yourself. The songs you inspire us to write, I don't understand them. I can make up enough with what you give me to work with, but it's harder than anybody else's ideas for songs. I still don't know anything I like, or dislike, or what I want to be. How do you even begin to look for something like that?"
Her mom must have been particularly hard on her that night. She always got kind of weird about it after they'd talked, it seemed. "Well… It did take a lot of looking, I guess. It was easier for me because I knew some stuff was wrong with how I was before I learned, so I just moved on from there, I guess." It was hard to explain without confessing too much. Really, they were two entirely different cases.
"How did you know what was wrong?"
"Sometimes it just sort of sticks out. I don't really know how to give a good example. It's like… it makes you feel a little sick with yourself. When you don't think about it too directly, it feels like something that was stuck onto you rather than something you just are. Like a parasite. Does that make sense?"
"Not really."
They pursed their lips, testing out another transition for a minute while they thought about how else to say it. "I think we might just need to let you try some things out. Plan a day to paint the town, you know?"
"That just means you want to take us shopping again, doesn't it?"
They giggled. "Well, yeah. But I think it might help. It's easier to know what means nothing to you than what does. Just look for that warm feeling you got from K's song. That's what I feel when I think about who I am. I think you'll feel kind of like that when you find it."
"Thank you. I'm glad you found yourself at least."
"Mafuyu, can I tell you something?"
"Mm."
And suddenly, it felt like it was right. They wanted to say it, and the desire wasn't stuffed down by anxiety, or self-hatred, or fear. Their throat didn't close up, their tongue didn't dry up, and out it came as easily as singing. "I'm trans."
"Oh. Yeah. I guess that makes sense." They couldn't help but laugh a little. No way it was that easy after so long worrying about it. "What's so funny?"
"Nothing. You're just the first person I've told, really. Aside from my family."
"Oh." They could almost hear a smile in her voice, and that was better than any response they could have ever hoped for. "I won't tell, if you don't want me to."
"No, it's okay. I think I'll tell them next time we're all on."
"Okay then. Thanks for telling me." They couldn't respond. The tears welling up in their eyes would only make their voice shake, and that would just be embarrassing. "I should go to bed. I have cram school tomorrow," Mafuyu said after a while, breaking the most comfortable silence they'd ever been a part of.
"Yeah, it's late. Good luck studying."
"Thank you." And with that, she was gone.
They lay down in their bed, not bothering to close their computer. Drowsiness flooded their body, but they didn't care. They felt lighter than a feather. They weren't alone. They wouldn't leave. They almost felt silly for making it such a big deal. Of course their friends wouldn't be like that. None of them were normal by any definition of the word. And even if things did change, if they could handle a sekai and everyone else's problems, surely this was no different. They felt free. Alive.
They'd have to tell everyone in the morning. Officially. Rui. An. Akito. Touya. Tsukasa. Kanade. And Ena. Poor, patient Ena.
No more secrets.