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Regulus had always enjoyed swimming, the feel of the water as it ripples against his skin. Every time, it had left him with a sense of tranquillity, hours spent floating through the water as if he moved with the tides. Sirius once joked about leaving Regulus behind, saying it was clear he belonged to the Merpeople.
He thought it would be nice to stay in the water, never to go home again – but only if Sirius would stay too.
Before Sirius left for Hogwarts, they would spend their afternoons sneaking away to the swimming hole a few streets over. Mother and Father were always too distracted by guests or events at the Ministry to be bothered by what their children were doing. No, as long as they didn’t speak, didn’t enter Father’s study or Mother’s tearoom, they could slip away for a few hours during the day while no one was paying attention.
He remembered how he would be floating, lost to his own thoughts, to suddenly feel a hand wrap around his ankle dragging him under and under until he reached the bottom of the pond, dirt pooling between his toes before he was released to push his way back to the top. A laugh on the tip of his tongue as he emerged from the depths. Turning to find a grinning Sirius slipping up beside him, his long black hair slick along his face and falling into his eyes but never hiding the mischief that was clear as the stars scattered across his grey irises.
This time, though, the hands didn’t let go. They continued dragging him down with no bottom in sight. His eyes stung, reminding him that he did not belong to the water, unable to breathe as his lungs became flooded. He looked around for the flop of black hair, ready to push his brother off, letting him know he was done with this game. Instead, he found countless faceless corpses reaching for him. Their hands wrapped around him, claws digging in and peeling his skin back layer by layer until his blood swam around him, mixing with the murky depths and making it harder for him to see the last gleam of lights that trickled in from the cracks of the cave from above.
If only he could call out, surely his brother would save him – he always promised to protect him no matter what. That was a long time ago, though. A lot had happened between then and now.
…
“Reggie, stop,” Sirius screamed, grabbing his arm and pulling him into the alcove. Shoving his back against the cold hard stone, his bag slipping off his shoulder from the force of it.
“What, Sirius? What could you possibly want from me?” he hissed, his eyes narrowed into thin slits, blood boiling as he stared at his brother. He refused to look away from the grey eyes that searched his own, looking for something he wouldn’t find. Not anymore.
“I wrote. Why haven’t you answered my letters? James-”
“James what? Gave his unwanted permission for your baby brother to further disgrace his family? Is that what you expect of me, Brother?” Pushing off the wall, he drew his wand, bringing it to Sirius’s throat. “You expect me to abandon my family? Who’s left to do your bidding besides me? Did you even think what burden you were placing on me by leaving? The life you left me in, alone?”
“I- no, Reggie, you don’t have to stay.” Tears were now filling the grey eyes before him, his stomach rolling over as he itched to stop them from falling but knew there was nothing he could do. It was too late for that.
“I have no choice.”
Sirius reached for him, his eyes pleading for something that he was unable to give. A hiss escaped Regulus’s lips and both pairs of eyes fell to where Sirius held onto his arm.
“No.”
“Let go of me, Sirius.” Pain seeped into his words as he bit his lip, trying to hold onto his last bit of control. If only he can make it a bit longer. A few more minutes and he would be able to escape to the comforts of his dorm, draw his curtains, and cry into his pillow for the life that had been stolen from him.
He hadn’t even gotten a single night to grieve the loss of his brother before his mother had dragged him into the drawing room, demanding he make up for the stain his brother left on their family. He found himself kneeling on the still-wet spot that covered the oriental rug, dark ruby seeping into the knees of his robes. Flashes of Sirius, half-dead, flew through his mind as a hooded figure approached. He couldn’t remember what happened next, only remembering the pain that followed. He remembered Kreacher dragging him to bed what felt like days later, begging him to drink, to make it just a bit longer.
“What did they do to you?” Sirius whispered, his hands shaking as his grip tightened around him, refusing to let go.
“It’s not what they did. It was you. This was my punishment for you leaving.”
He yanked his arm out of the iron-clad grip, scooping his bag off the floor and swiftly making his way to the small opening before turning back over his shoulder to stare at his brother one last time.
He would always regret the next words that came out of his mouth, but they were necessary. There was no going back for Regulus, not now, and he had to protect Sirius by any means. Even if it meant he hated him.
“Every person I’m forced to torture. Every muggle I’m made to kill is because of you. I may be the one to cast the spell, but you were the one who allowed them to make me into what I’ve become.”
As he turned away, he could hear the gut-wrenching sob that escaped behind him. It made him falter, but only for a second before he walked away, refusing to look back.
…
“Crucio.”
The word slipped out of Regulus’s lips. It felt almost as easy as breathing when he did it. The feeling that coursed up his wand arm as the spell shot through his system was addicting.
It made him want to puke.
A crushing hand fell onto his shoulder, instantly causing his back to straighten. The feeling of panic rushing through him as the presence neared.
“Well done, my child.”
Regulus turned, a fake smile crossing his face as he stared into the face of The Dark Lord. His gaze flickered back to the figure lying in an undignified angle on the ground and had to clench his fists to keep from rushing to their side. He had done this. His hands had caused this pain and destruction.
The round-rimmed glasses now lay discarded next to the man’s unconscious body. Blood pooled from the slices that scattered the skin. There was no chance he would survive this. Regulus may not be the one to cast the killing curse this time, but he was the one to make him suffer, draining all the light from his eyes.
“Avada Kedavra.”
Regulus closed his eyes, willing time to pass and for this moment to end. He built his walls higher and higher; until, even with his eyes open, the world around him was blank and covered in darkness. The next time he came to, he was standing outside of a small cottage, a well-planted garden lining the path.
It wasn’t a choice. The one his feet made as they brought him towards the front door. It wasn’t an option when his hand grasped the knocker, rapping it once, twice, three times.
It wasn’t a decision, the one to wait until the door swung open, revealing the only person Regulus desperately ached for.
“James.”
His eyes met the ones he had missed for the past year. Well, two years now since he had looked at him with nothing but love. Since then, it had only been a look of cold, desperate hate.
He still remembered the feel of his hands, his lips, as a bruising kiss was pressed into his own. He also remembered the look of pure betrayal that crossed the face he loved so much as he revealed what he had become, what he would do. Regulus had promised never to bother James again. He had made his choice, and James had made his. He had moved on, fallen in love with Lily Evans, nay Potter, and chosen to marry her. He had promised Regulus his whole heart, and here he stood before him, having given it to another.
“Regulus.” His name came out like nails across a chalkboard, the eyes only lighting up in surprise for a second before a wand was trained against his chest, “You shouldn’t be here. Leave now.”
“James, I –” Regulus croaked, tears threatening to spill out of his eyes as he ached to touch the man before him. He needed to be sure he was real, sure that the man he had just tortured was another – that the love of his life was safe. Here, out of his reach, but safe.
“I just needed to make sure you were okay.”
James' wand arm faltered before holding steady. “That stopped being your concern years ago.” He ran his free hand through his unruly hair, never having been able to tame it, not even all these years later. “Why now?”
Regulus averted his eyes, not knowing how to express that he just watched another man die. How as much as it pained him, he was just grateful it hadn’t been James. How the images of James sprawled across the floor, the light from his eyes that shone so brightly, draining from him, was playing on repeat through his mind. How he just needed to see him one last time.
“Things are changing and I – I knew this would be my last chance. I just needed to see you with my own eyes.” His throat bobbed as the emotions threatened to spill out of him. This was a mistake, a reckless mistake, but he knew he wouldn’t be able to do what was necessary without seeing him. Reminding himself why he had made the choices he had.
He nodded his head over James’s shoulder towards the house that had decorations hanging from the ceiling, a clear celebration underway. “It looks like you’re expecting company soon, so I’ll leave you to it. Just know – know I never stopped… whatever I said, whatever I’ve done or will do, you were a constant.”
With that, he turned on his heels, not looking back as he heard a sob escape the throat of the man he loved. He heard his brother’s voice of concern float out of the house just as he turned, disappearing on the spot, never to return.
…
Claws wrapped around his hand, yanking the wand from his clutches. The one chance he had of escaping the depths of the water ripped away. He screamed, water flooding his lungs over and over again as James’s name slipped past his lips. He knew the moment he had landed on James’s doorstep earlier that night that this would be it – his end. Regulus had needed one last look, just to see James one last time, to remind him why he had made this choice.
He had been sitting with the Dark Lord’s secrets for months, too scared to make a move against him, too worried for his own safety. But the moment Regulus’s eyes landed on the man bound on the drawing room floor, waiting for the wizard’s wand to steal the light from his eyes, his heart had left his chest. For moments that seemed to drag on for eternity, he had thought it was James who was about to meet his end, and he knew he couldn’t wait any longer. He had to act now because next time it could be him and that wasn’t an option Regulus was willing to face.
A sigh of relief left him as his vision began to blur. By now, Kreacher would be back at Grimmauld Place destroying the one thing that stood in the way of keeping his loved ones safe. At least he could do this one thing right, at least he could keep them safe in the end, even if he couldn’t be a part of it.
He closed his eyes, stopping his fight as he allowed the hands to continue dragging him towards the depths, no light reaching where he would forever rest.
He supposed it would be nice. If he couldn’t spend his life with James and Sirius, then at least he could be one with the water.
One last thought fluttered through his mind before he lost consciousness, a smile crossing his lips.
Happy Birthday, Sirius.
…
Later that evening, two letters would reveal themselves on the Potter cottage dining room table – one addressed to James and the other to Sirius. They wouldn’t be found till the next morning, the party raging on around them as they rang in Sirius’s birthday, surrounded by his loved ones. What was inside them was confessions of love and regrets, but that’s personal.