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Bashir stepped away from the bio bed Quark was on. The alien who had tried to rob Quark fortunately wasn't going to leave permanent damage on the Ferengi after attacking him with a biological weapon that had left his system in chaos.
"After that last dose, everything should be back to normal now. Yes, Quark, even your sex drive."
Odo harrumphed in the corner. "I wouldn't call that 'normal'."
Bashir tilted his head, a quizzical smile playing on his lips.
"That sounds like you have insight in that matter."
Odo looked back, confused what he meant. Quark started chuckling.
"He wishes."
Bashir looked discreetly back and forth between them. No further exchange happened. Well, if you didn't count Quark leering at Odo and Odo making a face about it.
Quark had just left his domain, when Bashir turned to Odo, reminding him of some results he had gathered on his request.
"Odo...do you like Quark?" Bashir asked him, while preparing the files.
Odo stared. Then frowned. After a moment, he added:
"I like making fun of him. I like making his life harder."
"Is that why you are watching him constantly?"
"I'm not watching him constantly. Just when I'm around him. I have duties on this station and not all of them involve Quark."
"So Quark is a 'duty' to you ?"
"That's not exactly-"
"Is that why the surveillance cameras are there?"
"...N- no ." Odo started, as if Bashir were a bit daft. "They are to watch Quark."
Bashir took a silent breath. And tried again.
"You know, Odo, in your case I can't even pull the usual card and tease a reaction out of you by estimating the chances of you and Quark having kids together."
"'Having kids together'?" Odo repeated slowly. The idea clearly hadn't been in his head before. But was in there now.
"You seemed worryingly well informed on Quark's sex drive. It would have made anyone do the connection between you wanting kids with him..or at least sex, for starters."
"I most certainly DO NOT want to have…have that with Quark!" Odo huffed, full of indignation.
"Then why can't you even say 'sex'?"
"Because it's a stupid word," Odo shot back.
Bashir cocked an eyebrow. And didn't hide the smile on his lips.
Odo crossed his arms, looking away.
"Forgive the comment," Bashir started, "but your reaction seems a little childish to me."
Odo turned his head to him, then away again. Shortly shook it. Then slowly uncrossed his arms.
With a show of reluctance, he turned towards the doctor again.
"The appeal of intercourse, its very concept, eludes me."
"And still you thought it important to comment on Quark's behavior in that matter." Bashir tilted his head, showing confusion. "If you neither understand or care about sex, then why is it so important to you to tell Quark what to do with his body-"
"Because it's not right."
Bashir's eyes went wide in surprise.
"Excuse me?"
Odo averted his gaze and took up his arms. Not in defiance, but in protection it seemed this time. As if he had said too much.
"He does it too often,." Odo said eventually. "With too many people."
"How would you know?"
"Cameras," Odo told him matter of factly.
"Oh. Oh, " Bashir simply said in reply.
"Uhm..." Bashir continued after a moment, "Privacy aside, isn't Quark free to do what he wants?"
"Not as long as I'm Head of Security."
"And your duties as such include making sure people don't have too much sex? Don't worry, STDs are quite treatable."
He saw Odo mentally stumbling over the term 'STD'.
"Not people in general," Odo replied, "just Quark. Do you have the files ready?"
"Almost. And.. why ? What singles Quark out?"
Odo shrugged, looking away.
"Odo, I need a little more than that, otherwise that could warrant a restraining order."
"Against me ? Don't be ridiculous."
"Am I, Odo? You're literally exhibiting stalking behavior and don't give a proper reason that doesn't make it seem like obsessive stalking."
"I'm not a stalker!"
"You're not in a relationship either! Or infatuated! That at least would start to explain the jealousy. Not that it would make it any better! But as it stands, you're now the furthest away from having a reason to suggest to Quark in any way what to do with his body. Not even I as his doctor would, at this point. He's healthy, doesn't have or ever had any STDs, Ferengi seem sturdy that way-"
"He doesn't?" That seemed to interest Odo.
"No, he doesn't. Fit as a fiddle. A little overworked."
"Overworked?" Odo repeated, some concern showing before his face clouded. "Probably from too much…sex."
"And even if. The most you could do is offer him a friendly suggestion to watch out for his rest."
"We're not friends!"
"As his enemy then! Even though those would be happy about their enemy being exhausted!"
Odo held his gaze for a moment.
"It's not serious…is it?" Odo asked, his voice doing a strange wavering between concern and stressed nonchalance.
"What is, him being overworked?"
Odo nodded.
Bashir rubbed his neck in thought, quickly assessing Quark in his mind remotely. "Hmm, I wouldn't think so…" he said, adding: "Well, it depends."
"On what??" Odo immediately demanded to know. About his non-friend he most certainly didn't want to have sex with.
"Well, depending on if he gets enough rest, at least now and then."
"What would happen if not?"
Bashir shrugged.
"Your choice of accidents or illnesses."
Odo went wide eyed.
"Really?!"
"Really," Bashir replied, intrigued he had him on the hook with that.
Odo regarded the floor for a moment, apparently collecting his thoughts.
"Then he should rest…" Odo murmured.
"Are you still thinking of your sex ban? If so, forget it, Odo. Sex is usually good for my patients."
"Ha! You said 'usually'! That means in Quark's case it couldn't be the usual case!"
Bashir did an internal eye roll he had perfected over the years and many hours of patient talks.
"How was your day, dearest?"
Garak greeted Bashir in his quarters by pressing a kiss to his forehead. Julian could still feel light tremors from his most recent ordeal.
"I somehow ended up talking a lot about Quark's sex drive."
Garak blinked in surprise. Julian didn't manage that often.
"What..?" the Cardassian asked.
"Oh, it was nothing." Julian waved off. "Odo had just a huge plank in front of his face."
"I fail to see what wood has anything to do with that."
Julian guffawed at his partner's choice of words.
"Good one!" he told Garak. From the looks of it, the Cardassian didn't know the connection between wood and sex. "Nevermind. The plank means he is very oblivious. An Earth saying."
"Ah." Garak said, not seeing, but humoring his human.
"Anyway-" Julian started, but was interrupted by his combadge.
"Doctor Bashir, please come to my office immediately," Odo told him over the badge in an urgent voice.
With an apologetic grimace towards Garak, Julian untangled himself and quickly headed to the security office.
Where Odo was just sitting. Without an emergency.
"What's wrong?" Bashir asked out of breath. His eyes darted around for any injured persons he might have missed. Surely Odo wouldn't have called him for nothing, especially not in that urgent tone. That wasn't his style.
"I have been thinking about what you said about Quark."
".. what ?" Bashir couldn't believe his ears. Surely he had misheard. He wouldn't have seriously called him over just to continue their previous conversation.
"I was wondering if you had any suggestions how to provide rest for Quark. Something I could help with." The last sentence sounded like a question and a statement and also something that Odo had vaguely overheard someone saying and was now merely repeating without any real connection to him.
".. what ?" Bashir said again.
"Doctor, I think there's something wrong with your hearing." A thought came to Odo and he tilted his head. "Are you overworked, too?" He looked almost eager to use his new knowledge. Bashir couldn't believe it.
"Odo, please tell me you did not call me here just to talk about plotting date plans for you and Quark. It had sounded like an emergency!"
"But it is an emergency,." Odo told him, again, as if he were rather daft and Odo couldn't believe they let him be in this position with his lacking intellect. "You said Quark could have an accident or become ill at any moment . That is something that requires medical attention."
Bashir groaned, pushing his fists against his face. " If he continues like that for more than just one day , yes! But we're talking about weeks here, Odo!"
"Don't you check on your patients before they fall seriously ill? What other reason would you have to store medical files if not to monitor them over time?"
"Are you trying to argue me helping you date Quark counts as preventive medicine?"
Odo nodded, happy he finally got it.
Something in Bashir snapped.
"Fine!" he said in a harsh voice and threw himself down on the chair opposite of him. He slapped the table. "Come on, hit me with your suggestions, Constable!"
Odo seemed a little confused at how his words didn't match his body language, but replied nonetheless:
"I am not sure what Quark likes."
"Oh, come now!" Bashir hollered, leaning so far back in his chair it only stood on one side. " You're the one watching him non-stop, you are way more qualified to answer that than me! I'm just a doctor !"
Odo watched him closely, still not entirely certain what to make of his behavior.
"I was thinking maybe he would enjoy a holosuite program with me, seeing that he always suggests them to me-"
" His own holosuites , what a terribly original idea! To think that I , with my years of schooling, didn't come up with that!"
"Doctor, you were trained in medicine, not event planning,." Odo replied helpfully.
"Oh! Thanks for telling me, I almost forgot !"
Odo seemed unsure if he should nod in acknowledgement and regarded the doctor with growing confusion and worry.
"Anyway, I can't decide if it would relax him more to have a program that somehow uses his home world or if he would rather want a complete change of scenery."
" That . That's your concern you need my help with??"
"Parts of it, yes."
"You know what, Odo? A bed. Just get a program with a bed. You've been interested in his sex drive, then test his sex drive."
"I don't need to test it, it's not normal. I can observe that."
Bashir jumped to his feet.
"Get a program with a bed and shag! Doctor's orders!" he yelled at him, then stormed out.
Odo looked after him.
Judging from his raised voice, it seemed the doctor had somehow gained the impression he was deaf.
"Should I be concerned that the room is empty?" Quark joked after Odo had insisted he open up one holosuite for him.
"Oh, I almost forgot," Odo said and made the computer create a bed. It stood by itself in the bare, unchanged holosuite. Odo turned to Quark.
"Do you feel relaxed already?"
"Right now, what I'm feeling is excited ," Quark told him with a grin.
Before Odo could ask what he meant by that Quark had grabbed him by the shoulders and crushed their mouths together.