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Garak had been uncharacteristically blunt with Quark because he did not want a being like Odo to blunt them all. He, along with everyone currently in the possession of sight or other means of sensing, could see how deadly jealous the Constable, this walking God among men, was of anyone and everyone occupying the attention of the Ferengi bartender.
His thoughts were so stuck on their previous conversation that he missed parts of his current one with his human.
"...distance couldn't have been more than the fish I caught last time!" Julian told him.
Just then Garak saw Quark approach his establishment, which made him hasten his human.
"That's all very fascinating, Doctor , but I think if you plan to catch more fish , then you better use the time !"
Quark's gaze scanned both of them, focusing on Bashir as they passed each other.
"So, Doc, you two fucked in a lake ?"
"Actually-"
"-We wanted to try Ferengi steam ponds next." Garak offered. Too quickly to be true, Quark knew. But he humored them anyway.
"So how may I be of service, Mr. Quark ?"
"Just Quark is fine. I came to thank you. For your... fashion recommendations ."
"I'm glad to fulfill my duty to help everyone wear the style that fits them best."
"Natima used to be my style certainly and I'm happy to have had that phase. But your advice made the final goodbye easier. So, thanks for that. In a non-monetary way."
"I'm glad you changed styles just in time!"
Quark looked alarmed.
"A new trend ? So quickly?"
"It's not so much about being new. It never went out of style."
Quark hunched towards him. "Honestly, how much Latinum should I spend on body guards If this threat has been omnipresent?"
"You misunderstood me." Garak replied. "No body guard will be able to shield us from his wrath."
" WHOSE?! "
"The being we all like to call 'The Constable'."
"Why would Odo do anything to us? He's the one telling us not to do anything . Anything fun or worth any Latinum that is."
"So you're saying you didn't, ever, notice his bottomless need for your attention?"
"His- what ?"
"Differently phrased: His raging addiction for an interaction between the two of you."
Quark had meant to say something, but Garak continued:
"The single consuming thought of his existence, seeing you everyday."
"Whatever fabrics you thought you got a good deal on, let me tell you they were cheap because they are drenched in chemicals making you say all these things."
"You don't believe me or choose not to ?"
"Of course I don't, because then- then I'd have to recall that I begged him on my knees to help me with Natima, telling him he would never understand and that- THAT would have been one Vaulting move from me and quite embarrassing, not to mention painful on Odo's part."
Garak had become very still. Which freaked Quark out even more.
"Come on! Say something! Don't you usually have an opinion on everything?!" Quark snapped at him, growing more helpless.
"You-" Garak gulped, hand reaching for a piece of fabric with a tremor he couldn't suppress, "-you mean to tell me you confronted him with the fact that you are interested in another person-"
-"exclusively committed more like it. But like I said, I'm over her now-"
"We're doomed." Garak said, eyes unfocused. "We're doomed and I haven't seen my home in so long. I should travel home. They don't want me there and I'll be killed upon arrival but at least then I can choose the time of my demise-"
Quark had never experienced Garak being hysterical before (had anyone ever?) and would never have guessed he would be like that , rambling on in an eerily even voice that only slower grew higher in pitch.
"Hey, relax, it's just Odo. Not like he's a black hole. Sure, what I did was bad, but I don't see what your deal is."
Garak's eyes were on him from one moment to the next, making him wish they had stayed where they were.
"Oh, he's not a black hole, he's much worse!" Garak told him wide eyed. "The concentrated humanoid form of it at least, free to rampage by its own will!"
"Now you're being dramatic-"
"AM I, QUARK?!" Garak whirled around to him, hissing. "Did you never witness the kind of powers he can summon if he chooses to? Gain the strength of the hardest metal in less than the blink of an eye. Grow indefinitely. Be immune to pain, to bullets, freezing cold, torching flames or any kind of needs. Now imagine such a being against you!"
"I don't have to imagine, he crowds me often enough." Quark said, unfazed.
"You are saying he repeatedly pushes you against a wall and you never noticed anything?" The information was enough to distract Garak from dystopian visions of the future.
"Intimidating me with closing in on me, that is him being professional. Is it a little sexy? Sure. Does he mean to? Of course not. He's Odo ."
"But what exactly does that mean?"
"That he's the worst tease in the Quadrant?"
"So you did notice something so far ?"
"I noticed that he sure likes to stalk my every move, seeing that he has no hobbies, despite the weird things he claims to like, funeral rituals that kinda stuff, and that he really needs to brush up on the concept of personal space. Or maybe he gets a kick out of dominating other people, would explain why he likes pushing around and locking up others so much."
Garak steepled his fingers and took a deep breath:
"Mr. Quark- Quark, I don't know how else to tell you this...but you are as blind as a newborn Cardassian mole."
"Aren't those always blind? Isn't that a double negative-"
"HE IS INFATUATED WITH YOU, YOU STUPID FERENGI!"
Quark stared at him, saying nothing for a moment. Then: "..what?"
Garak couldn't believe his ears and told him so with an exasperated stare.
"What ?!" Garak added.
"What you said- nooo, no-no-no, that's not possible." Quark said, shaking his head. The more Garak's words and their possible truth sunk in, the fiercer his head-shaking became. "Can't have been in love with me for years. No. Because there is no way I can afford THAT kind of gift for compensation..."
" THAT is what you're worried about ? Money ?"
"Not only. Mostly. But I'm also worried about it being possibly true. It can't be true. Can it? Don't you hear things, Garak? Don't you know if it's true and can tell me?"
"Well, if you don't know while being the one pushed against a wall, then I don't know how my words or anyone's should get through your ears. But frankly- frankly, Quark, I don't care if you believe me." Quark opened his mouth as if to voice surprise, as if to ask him if he really didn't care, but Garak continued: "All I care about is staying alive. True, this forsaken station isn't Cardassia, isn't Risa, but it has something , it is a life, with the Doctor. And I do not plan on having that end. But Odo will end us, if you don't start courting him soon. Especially after declaring into his face that you hold an undying love for someone else."
"Are you telling me to date Odo?"
"I'm telling you to date the Constable for the sake of this universe and everyone in it!"
"...and people tell me I have a tendency to be overdramatic." Quark muttered. The glint in Garak's eyes let him press his lips together before more of the sort came out.
"Seeing," Garak started, putting escaped strands back in place, seemingly regaining composure through it, "that your main concern seems to be monetary, let me help you out." With that Garak starting going through drawers.
"No offense, but Cardassians aren't exactly known to be money lenders and if I tell anyone that an outsider gave me money-"
"Take this." Garak said, placing a folded cloth in his hands.
"A table cloth? For..a dinner date? You know Odo doesn't eat, right?"
Garak saw no reason to hide an eye roll.
"This piece of fabric should be of interest to Odo. It changes temperature and surface material in accordance with the surrounding temperature. From what I'm assuming about the Constable's physiology, tactile sensations must be very important, given that his cells main concern is analysing and copying different shapes."
Quark nodded along.
"Sometimes, when he hangs around the bar counter, he takes unused glasses I've just finished drying and touches them all over as if he was looking for a crack. Do you know how often I've told him not to do that? He's incorrigible!"
Garak shot him a disbelieving look. Not because of Odo's action, but Quark's reaction.
"But," Quark continued, now more thoughtful, eyes on the cloth, "this would probably be something he enjoys. He will think it's me tricking or bribing him, but, if he takes it, he should have a good time. For once."
"I think, if you gift it to him in a sincere manner, he will accept it gladly. Along with your invitation to a date. And preferably the access code to your quarters."
"Oh, he got those already, turned my room upside down more than once searching for evidence." Quark rambled on, then stopped. "You whoring me out here?"
"Not quite so vulgar. I was thinking more in terms of permanent shared living."
"First you tell me to date Odo, now to marry him!?"
Garak shrugged his shoulders. "What's stopping you? If you're willing to date him, then why not ensure the safety of the universe by showing Odo in a binding way he can rest assured to have you indefinitely?"
"How about you don't speak about my life and future so casually?!" Quark replied in indignation. "Also, I've never said I'm willing to date him."
"You keep talking about wanting to give him compensation! First, whining about not having something, then, once you did, anticipating his reaction. You must feel something !"
"What...if I feel not liking to be pressured?!"
"And what if I don't feel like dying ?!"
"Will you stop it with the thoughts of Odo running amoc?! The most extreme thing he would do would be running at all !"
Garak hissed at him. Quark returned it. Then cleared his throat.
"But, I still owe him a gift. At least." He said, which made Garak look hopeful.
"I shall tailor you a new suit, just for the occasion!"
"For..free?" Quark asked with suspicion.
"My Ferengi friend, one suit is nothing at all compared to the worth of my life."
"Can I get that in print?"
"One new suit and the cloth in exchange for dating, it is!" Garak typed excitedly.
"Hey, I never talked about a date, let alone multiple ones!"
"So you're just going to be appearing in front of him, wearing a new suit, presenting a gift? Doesn't that seem like a waste to you? I thought Ferengi were all about service and creating homely atmospheres."
"Well, yes, but I'm just giving him this- however, it doesn't cost me extra to do so in my own holosuite.."
Excited clapping from Garak.
"Excellent idea!"
"What's this?" Odo asked him, staring at the cloth in front of him.
"A gift. To make up for...my lack of seeing, of understanding, and responding." Since Odo still wasn't touching the cloth, Quark picked it up and held it out to him.
"Try it. Depending on the temperature, it..changes."
" Changes ?"
Odo moved his hand over and underneath the fabric. Since Quark could see the cloth change under Odo's hands, he supposed he was making his hands emit certain temperatures.
Ok, first part down. Onto the next one...
"Would you like to come to the holosuite with m-"
"Yes." Odo immediately replied, looking up from his new toy.
Quark was surprised himself at the size of the grin that grew at once on his own face.
"Great!" He said, beaming, holding out his arm to Odo.
Garak buried his face in his human's chest.
"Everything... alright?" Julian asked tentatively. "You're..very cuddly tonight."
"Let's just say I had a realization today, dear." Garak replied, not straying from where he was. As time stretched without him elaborating, Julian saw this as his cue to fill the silence so Garak could keep his secret.
"Now that you mention realizations! I've had the strangest one during an operation today..!"