Chapter Text
Life is never black or white. A phrase that has lasted all throughout eternity. A phrase repeated over and over and over again to tell people that things are never just one thing. Things are never simple. Everything is always complicated. Never black, nor white, but hundreds of thousands of combinations and shades of gray. From the moment black touches the white and it's the lightest gray you'll ever see, to the gray where you think it's black at first glance. Though, the phrase is always taken in the wrong way. In a way, black is the most complicated of all colors, while white is the simplest. Black is often looked at as sadness and fear while white is happiness and love. But, black is a mix of all colors. Excepting every one in its uniqueness. But, white is in itself the absence of color. Where things must not co-exist, but be separated. Never mixing, never combing. That's why they say life is gray. Because our world is never one or the other, but a mix. We will be close to deciding on one when the other pulls us back. Sometimes it's a direct center hit. But more often than none it's a whirlwind of emotion and color and everything in between.
That's what Jude's life had seemed like since he was six. A whirlwind of drama and abuse and foster homes and the one stability was Callie. She was the gray, the one constant, even though everything changed, it was still gray. She was always there for him. When she and Brandon had come to rescue him that had all changed. He had found stability in his life again.
Along with Callie a constant in Jude's life was love. He had always been loved, if not my his sister, then by his mother and father when he was a baby. And then by the Fosters when he had come to them. But, a different kind of love was brought into his life when he met Connor. Something unmistakable had happened there. He hadn't understood. Up until that point he had only known the love of a family. Callie had always loved him since the moment he was born. When he had come to the Fosters, Lena and Stef of course had been the first people to love him besides his sister since his mother had died and his dad had gone to jail. Mariana had been next to come along, falling in love with Jude's innocence and shyness. Brandon learned to love him soon after, learning more about him through Callie. Jesus had been the last to come around as Jesus seemed to have a natural state to hate new people. But, sharing a room had made Jude grow on Jesus and in no time it was like they had always been brothers.
But, Connor was different. At first it had been platonic. Friendship was still something Jude wasn't used to. He had been an outcast his entire life, but that seemed to break the day Connor had worn the blue nail polish to school to stand up for Jude having been picked on the day before. The two formed an unbreakable bond that Jude hadn't expected his feelings to grow. Connor's friendship had been a gift Jude had never expected. Connor had willingly given Jude his PSP, only because Jude hadn't had many things. He had tried to help Jude figure out the clues to Callie's birthday surprise. They had hung out so many times and talked so much that it shocked him when jealousy hit him.
Jude and Connor had been having a normal day when Mariana had given Jude the phone, saying someone wanted to talk to him. On the other end it had been Maddie, and she had asked him on a date. He had told Connor that he didn't like Maddie like that and the second that Connor had asked if he could ask her out, jealousy had flared in Jude. But, he kept a cool demeanor. At first, he thought that it was because he did like Maddie, but when he had said yes to Maddie and gotten caught by Connor, he realized he didn't want to go to the movies with Maddie. He thought of Maddie going out with anyone but Connor and Jude didn't care, but the second he thought of Connor going out with anyone else, it hurt him. He had talked to Lena about it, but her advice hadn't made him any less confused.
Then Connor had come to his adoption. And it all became clear to him. He liked Connor. As more than a friend. He didn't know for how long, but he knew his feelings definitely weren't platonic. Or returned. The fact that Connor's dad had made it so they couldn't hang out because he thought was gay made that clear. Jude wasn't sure of his sexuality, but he knew of his feelings for Connor. So he'd questioned Connor if he cared if Jude was gay anyway. Connor had hesitated. That proved the feelings were only not returned, but that it would be weird if Jude even thought of another guy that way. So Jude distanced himself. But, Connor tried. And Jude knew the moment that the bottle on the phone landed on him during their game that his feelings hadn't gone. He wanted to kiss Connor. And Connor seemed to want to kiss him. But, he then found out Connor hadn't stood up to his father. He ended up going silent after the stress from Connor, Callie, and this Sophia and Robert Quinn got to him. Connor had tried to mend their friendship, and when he started talking again, Jude finally went with it.
But then they went on the school camping trip. And everything changed. They had been in their tent, just fooling around and playing games when Connor had kissed him. It had led to a make out session that ended with a flustered Connor pulling away and saying no one could ever know. And from then on the tug and pull of Connor's mixed signals began. It drove him crazy when Connor distanced himself after Jude lied to his Moms and Adam about what they had done in the tent, adding girls to the mix. Jude had finally had his best friend back only to be pushed away, but brought back when he started dating Daria. Connor always made it a priority for him and Daria to take Jude and Daria's friend Taylor on dates with them. The first being the movies. When Connor had held his hand - well, pinky - it had sent his heart into over drive faster than when Connor had kissed him. The mixed signals continued when Connor came over and the two bonded again, ending in a tackle that made Jude's heart race again. But, then Daria texted. And Connor had questioned if he would go or not, but Jude said he could. And Connor hadn't. Instead he came back, but Jude confronted him. Telling him he needed to stop leading him on, which had only led to Connor kissing him again. It was shorter than the last but much more meaningful. It assured Jude of his feelings. He knew without a shadow of a doubt that he liked Connor.
And then it happened. They had snuck out with Taylor and Daria and TP'ed a house, then broken into Taylor's to get drunk. Jude didn't know why he had done it at the time, but looking back he knew. Connor's intoxicating smirks and grins made Jude want to do anything to be around the other boy. But, of course the cost had been Connor being shot. Of course, Jude didn't regret it at all. It had led them to becoming boyfriends.
And here he was, six months later, and Connor had taught Jude a new kind of love. Bigger than friendship, or family. Having a crush on Connor had been on thing. But this... this was different. He had known it two months ago at the LGBTQ+ prom when Connor had pulled him closer as they danced. He loved Connor. It was a different type of love. It was a love that had lasted over two years and through all the bull that the world had thrown at them, and would last all the world would through at them. A beautiful feeling that made Jude's palms sweat, his cheeks flush, his eyes wide and his breath heavy. But, most of all, it made his heart race.
Have you ever heard the sound of a brand new band play together for the first time? Well if you haven't, it's a mess. But mostly the beat. Speeding up and slowing down, never staying together, sometimes sounding like the loud bang of a drum, other times sounding like the soft sound of the flute. That's the way Jude's heart raced as he stood outside Connor's door. Fast, then slow. Off beat. His nerves were getting the better of him, knowing that what he was about to say would either end of strengthen his and Connor's relationship.
Jude took a deep breath, opening his eyes as he knocked on the door. He brought his hand back down and interlocked it with his other hand, glancing down at them. His nails were painted blue. Their warpaint. He looked up as the door opened, his breath heaving as his eyes met the beautiful hazel ones of Connor.
"Hey," Connor breathed, a small, genuine smile appearing on his face. Jude looked Connor up and down, noticing Connor do the same to him. Connor was wearing his signature flannel with a gray tee-shirt underneath and skinny jeans. He wasn't wearing shoes, only socks because he had been inside all day.
"Hey," Jude breathed back, smiling as his eyes met Connor's again.
"Come in," Connor told his boyfriend, moving forward and grabbing Jude's hand and pulling him forward. Jude smiled a bit, feeling Connor's hand wrapped around his as he walked into Connor's house. He knew that Adam wasn't home, due to working. They were alone. And Jude needed it to be that way, or he wouldn't be able to say it. He felt comfortable around Connor, even though the boy made his heart race, it was a good feeling. But, not now. He was terrified that Connor would reject him, wouldn't feel the same. That's the main reason he hadn't said anything two months ago or until now. But now, he couldn't keep it in any longer.
Connor squeezed his boyfriend's hand, looking down at it and seeing the nail polish. "What's the occasion?" Connor half teased, smiling at him, running his thumb over his boyfriend's blue nails. Connor looked up, meeting his boyfriend's eyes again. "Is something wrong?" he asked, seeing Jude's distant look, concerned for his boyfriend.
Jude sighed, squeezing Connor's hand before dropping it and running it through his hair, a nervous habit. Jude's eyes fell to the floor as he spoke, fidgeting with his fingers. "Connor, there's something I have to tell you..." Jude started, taking a breath and meeting Connor's eyes again. He saw worry and fear flash across Connor's eyes.
"Are you breaking up with me?" Connor squeaked out, his eyes glistening a bit as the words escaped his mouth. Jude's eyes widened. Oh, god this was not what he had meant. He quickly recovered, not wanting his boyfriend to think that. He knew the crushing feeling of thinking they would break up. It was like you were suffocating. He couldn't let Connor feel that for even a second.
"No!" he shouted instantly, shaking his head. "Oh my god, no, no, not at all," Jude explained, stepping forward and grabbing Connor's hand. He met Connor's eyes, still seeing a bit of doubt on the boy's face. "No," he assured, squeezing Connor's hand.
"O-Okay," Connor breathed, relief washing over him. "Okay. Then what is it. I'm here, I'm listening, just tell me," Connor explained, moving closer, so the two were only inches apart.
Jude felt a smile grow on his face as he looked at Connor. He knew Connor was there for him. Even if Connor didn't love him back, Connor was there. He would always be there. "I love you."
The words fell from Jude's lips effortlessly and it was like a weight was lifted off his shoulders and he took a breath, watching Connor's reaction. He watched Connor's beautiful hazel eyes widen, and felt his heart sink as the boy stepped back, taken off guard. "I-I'm sorry.." Jude mumbled, dropping his gaze along with Connor's hand. Connor quickly reacted grabbing Jude's hand pulling Jude into him. He wrapped his arms tightly around Jude's shoulder, letting out a small laugh as the smaller boy hugged him back.
"Oh my god, I love you, too," Connor told him, grinning. Jude smiled, gripping his boyfriend and letting out another breath of relief, knowing Connor felt the same. Yeah, Jude thought, things were gray. But, sometimes they were good that way.