Work Text:
He always had that damn book.
That smug look on his face when ever he came back.
That god forsaken book sticking out of his bag.
I’ve always hated reading
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“YOU LITTLE SHIT. YOU CANT MAKE THOSE KIND OF JOKES AND THEN JUST DISAPPEAR.”
I kick at dazai, but it’s to no use, he could tell. He easily dodges it and smiles.
“Why not, it’s part of the fun?”
I sneer. Dazai has always been like this. Always making jokes like ‘what if i jumped off the bridge?’ then disappearing for hours on end. It’s very annoying, and scary. I pretend to hate him, but i hope he knows I don’t.
I sigh and sit back down at my desk, trying to distract myself from him by doing paperwork that Mori doesn’t want to do. I can feel him staring at me from across the room. Then I hear him writing something down. I glance over at what he’s writing, and realize it’s in a book called ‘A guide to suicide’ I grimace and look down at my paperwork. Suddenly i feel his hand on my shoulder
“Chuuya—- i’m bored. Let’s go shopping!”
He has that goofy ass grin on his face, with a hint of malice behind it. I can tell that if I turn him down, he will single handedly make my life a living hell today. I look down at the pages strewn on the desk in front of me. I take a deep breath and turn around. Facing him. An angry look on my face, but he can tell it’s just a facade.
“That was a rhetorical question wasn’t it?”
“Indeed!”
Before I know it, he grabs my arm and takes me out the door. I don’t know where he intends to take me shopping but if it makes him happy, I guess.
He drags me all the way to the train. Paying for my ticket even though i demanded him not too. But, it was nice…so i let him. We stand on the platform when i look over at him, he has a look on his face, something’s on his mind. I tap his shoulder about to ask him what’s up but before i say anything he looks down at me with a smile on his face
“How would you feel if i just laid down on the tracks?”
“What?” It catches me off guard, I know he’s crazy suicidal but he’s never talked about it before
“You know, I lay down on the tracks, and let the train run me over”
I stare up at him as he takes my hand
“What if you come with me?” He smiles as he says those cursed words
“What do you mean?” I’m scared, not of Dazai, but for dazai. I’m scared for the person closest to me. I’m scared that one day he’s actually going to follow through with these threats.
He just smiles and changes the topic when the train pulls up
“Soooooooooooo” His voice is strangely high pitched “fishing has been interesting lately hasn’t it”
I stare at him, confused, his face looks blank
“what the fuck?”
“You know, crabs and stuff aren’t showing up as much, i think people are over fishing”
He pulls me onto the train before I can say anything back in response and he sits in the one open seat, forcing me to stand. I hold onto the pole and glare down at him, he has a smug look on his face. But something worrying behind his eyes that I can’t quite figure out.
Eventually the train stops and I feel dazai grab my wrist and pull me onto the platform. Once we get off the train i glare at him and readjust my hat, it almost fell off. Once again I glare at dazai but he just smiles back. He’s a pain in the ass. A pretty one, but a pain nonetheless.
We walk over to the flea market and begin browsing. I keep trying to get dazai off my trail but he always somehow finds me in the crowd. I notice some pretty wine displays and i stop to look at them. Reading every label with great interest. I grab my wallet, fully prepared to buy the whole display.
Just before I give the vendor money I feel dazai pull my hat off my head. I turn around and see him running off, a goofy grin on his face. In one smooth motion i turn around and catch up to dazai, tackling him to the ground and stealing my hat back out of his hands.
“I’ll have you know you just made me loose an amazing deal on a wine display.”
He smiles and stands up giving me a quick wink and a smile before rushing off again. I sigh. But as soon as he’s out of my sight I smile slightly, I may hate that guy but…he’s…he’s always been nice to me. He’s always been there for me, in some way or another.
I look around trying to see if i can find the wine display, I don’t. But I do find a hat shelf and a vendor selling tons of top hats. i immediately begin trying them on and looking in mirrors before i see him walk up behind me and place a hat on my head. I grimace slightly, but it looks more like a smile. I turn around getting ready to punch him but he blocks it, instead hugging me. It catches me off guard.
“Chibi hat~”
“What.”
“My chibi boy, my hat boy!”
“Are you drunk what the hell?”
I shove him away, albeit happy for the attention, but he sees through my little facade and hugs me again
“What the fuck has gotten into you”
“Don’t worry about it-“
He pays for at least three of the hats even though I protested against it. I watch him place the money in the vendors hand, and I look at him. He has a smile on his face, a concerning one, but a smile nonetheless
I hesitantly take the hats from his hand. I put one on my head and it fits perfectly, i didnt even try it on. I kind of smile at him and he takes me in a hug.
“What the fu-“
He cuts me off, signaling for me to be quiet. I go quiet letting him hug me. After a couple seconds he speaks
“Just….stay here…with me…please?”
His voice sounds so sad, so broken, as if someone just died. I nod and stay in the hug for a couple moments. I want to ask him what’s wrong, but i don’t. I’ll ask him tomorrow.
Little did I know I never would.
After that interaction when he lets me go i stomp on his foot and he smiles back to regular dazai. Dragging me by my wrist out of the Flea Market and back onto the train. He paid for my ticket with I largely protested by kicking at his shin, once again he just smiled at me and shoved the hats in my arms. This time he gives me the open spot on the train, although he does fall into my lap.
Oh yeah.
He’s fucking Drunk.
Eventually the train stops and he wakes up, after passing out in my arms
“Hey sleepy head~”
I’m mocking his flirty voice, he scowls at me, i smile back. He mumbled something at me. Something along the lines of
“I’ll miss you chuuya.”
I stare at him confused, then I just assume he means tonight. When he looks up at me, his eyes cloudy and cold, i start to get worried. But I shrug it off and we part ways and go back to our apartments.
Oh what a Mistake that was.
I set the hats he bought me on my dresser. Trying each one on. They all fit perfectly. I smile at myself in the mirror. I take off the hat and I notice a small rose petal set on the brim. I take it and remember all the times me and Dazai would make rose water…just to have..not to drink but just..to be there. I take the petal and place it in a jar of water and place it on my nightstand, come morning i should get…some concoction.
I change into comfy clothes and lay in bed. Staring at the ceiling.
Something’s wrong
Dazai was off
He’s going to do something rash
No…
He’s just drunk right?
That’s why he was acting so weird.
…Right?
That has to be it.
I continue to repeat that to myself until i find myself dozing off. Calmly asleep, a candle lit in the corner of my room.
The rose water forming on my nightstand.
The window open ever so slightly, letting a breeze in.
The night was quiet. Silent even. So I should have heard when someone came into my room through the window. And set something on my nightstand. and leave quickly.
But i didnt.
When i woke up the next morning something was wrong it was quiet. Calm. I didn’t wake up to Dazai screamint at me. Or Mori telling me to do paperwork.
I just. Woke up.
I look around my room, trying to find what’s wrong. I don’t even know what i’m looking for. I’m digging in drawers. I look under dressers and on top of things.
I see one of the hats Dazai bought last night.
I grab it and throw it on, still looking for SOMETHING that’s off.
I find it
Placed under the cup of rose water
A book
‘A guide to suicide’
It wasn’t there last night.
Why do i know that book?
I reach out to grab it, I pick it up and remember that it’s Dazais book.
The one he’s always reading.
I open it hesitantly and find annotations.
Chapters filled and pages written in of random gibberish on the edges of the paper.
Every single thing and way to kill yourself has a break down in detail. and next to it, in chaotic scribbles is Dazais hand writing.
Hand writing explaing why it didn’t work in complete and utter detail.
Then under it, a breakdown on how to make it better.
How to make it work.
Once again, under that.
More writing
“If this doesn’t work. I’ll see you tomorrow, if it does work-“
Then smudged writing which I can’t make out.
But after every peice of smudged writing, the next entry is there. Marked with dates i don’t want to read, but i do anyway.
Every single day.
Every.
Single.
Fucking.
Day.
This fucker tried to end his life every single day.
I read. I read the entire book, every single entry.
Every single peice of smuged writing
Every single hand written annotation and breakdown.
Until one page…they just.
Stop.
It’s the regular annotation entry, with yesterday’s date.
Exept something’s different
There’s no more after it.
The ink isn’t smudged.
I slam the book closed. Determined to find dazai first
I run out to Moris office and swing the door open, with out asking.
Rookie mistake.
I don’t care. I need to find Dazai.
I run up to mori and he holds out a hand…stopping me.
He talks with a cold sad voice.
“He’s gone…Chuuya.”
I didnt even have to ask him anything.
He sends me home for the day, I stand up pacing around the ceiling of my apartment. Trapped in the room with that book. I stare at it from the corner of the ceiling. Eventually I get back down to the ground and I open the book to the last entry.
I read the text. The un-smudged part.
I slammed the book shut and cry out. I’ve never cried before but this….
He planned this didnt he
He planned all of this
He knew it would work
He knew he would die.
I set the book on the table and leave the apartment. I never go back to that apartment. I never finish the rose water. I never put out that candle. I never close the window. I never wear those hats he bought me again. I never open that book again.
I never see Dazai again.
I never read those words again.
“If this doesn’t work…I’ll see you tomorrow”
“If it does work…”
“Good night. Chuuya.”