Work Text:
Izuku hated him, hated him so much it was so overwhelming to the point of daily panic attacks. Clawing at his throat to try to get a catch of air, feeling the oxygen escape his throat. The panic of not being able to breathe filled his mind to the brim, shaking from panic as he kneeled on ground fingernails digging deep into the skin of his throat.
He loathed Katsuki, he had such a powerful quirk. Yet he acted like such an asshole, towards him and everyone. The insults thrown daily at him, the punches and kicks he took everyday not being able to have a moment of peace.
He doesn’t remember the last time he felt happy, peace and relief filling his body. His mind and body unknowing of those emotions. Whenever he felt a speck of those unknown and unnatural feelings even entering him he cried.
He cried and felt like he couldn’t breathe.
He was jealous of anybody who had never had to go through or even meet Katsuki. There were times he had wished he had never become friends with him when they were kids. The time where nobody knew he was quirkless, where his mother didn’t cry at the sight of him crying over him being quirkless.
He learned over the years to internalize it, take the beatings and get back up and brush it off.
Smile.
Of course there were times this mask filled with lies slipped. Where he glared at Katsuki, clenching his fists fighting the urge to fight back or at least say something. But he knew he would be beaten even harder if he did.
In private where the mask slipped, it was fits of rage. Letting it consume his mind, he felt relief when he did this. But, it had consequences. Snapping back his mother causing her to let a tear fall, or the pain erupting in his body as he pulled at his hair or when he punched himself.
God he hated it, he wanted to feel peace and relief. Normally. Not in small fits of rage where he hurt his mother from yelling or when he hurt himself.
He hated Katsuki Bakugou, and that was a fact. Yet, he still tried. Tried to talk to him like they were long time friends, or tried to become friends with Katsuki. It never worked out of course. He never knew why he still tried.
He knew Katsuki hated him because of his continuous tries of him trying to become friends with him after all these years of torment. He knew Katsuki was confused at that, and so was he. He hated Katsuki so why did he keep trying?
He pondered the question for hours, whenever he could. He thought it was because they were childhood friends, why he still tries. That was one of the many attempts of trying to understand.
Millions of possibilities filled his head to the brim as he pondered it. Yet they were all wrong, in some way. None of them could answer his reasoning, none of them could somehow satisfy or give him a little bit of relief from the wondering.
Those thoughts started to consume him even more, it was like an itch that wouldn’t go away. They consumed him until he started to fall behind in classes, became sluggish and slow from the lack of sleep. His red eyes from the tiredness, even Katsuki noticed.
Izuku got tired of this, he just decided to go for it and scratch that itch by asking Katsuki. He didn’t care about how bad the beatings would be, he just wanted to sleep and get his question answered, fully or a little bit he didn’t care.
Izuku was the last out of the class as usual, he knew Katsuki would come in and threaten him and beat him. He knew it all too well.
Katsuki came into the classroom, with his goons behind him smiling. Izuku sighed, before Katsuki could even mutter a threat he was interrupted.
“...Why?”
That was all the dark eyed circled Izuku could mutter out. “Hah?!” Katsuki yelled as he held up his hand letting out small pops warning him in a way. His goons looked confused, exchanging looks at each other, looking almost intrigued by the simple question.
“I can’t sleep, all because of you and this stupid question that I think about every second.” Katsuki rolled his eyes, “ I could care less about your stupid question and not sleeping, Deku.” Katsuki scoffed out. Izuku hummed, knowing that would be his answer when he said that.
“I’ll still ask it, I couldn’t care less if you cared because I knew you wouldn’t.” Izuku said softly as he looked at the ground, the sun beaming through the classroom blinds as Izuku’s face was covered in shadows.
“Shut up!” Katsuku yelled as he started to heat up his explosions even more, getting bigger as the seconds went by. Izuku’s head raised up, the sun creeping onto his face. Katsuki’s explosions stopped, too caught off guard by the blank look and empty eyes that were usually filled with hope and light.
The sun on Izuku’s blank and empty eyes felt wrong, like the sun wasn't meant to be there. Worry and a small dose of fear crawled up Katsuki’s back. The look on Izuku’s face gave him chills.
He always knew that Izuku would smile through whatever pain he sent towards him or put him through. The look on Izuku’s face was new, and chilling. He looked hopeless, no light that glistened in his eye that was always there no matter what.
To Katsuki the look looked so wrong to be on Izuku’s face. Unnatural.
“What’s your stupid question?” Katsuki yelled, trying to shove the worry and fear deep down to wherever it came from. Izuku blinked slowly, “I hate you” Katsuki and his goons were taken back. Katsuki opened his mouth to speech but Izuku cut him off.
“So why do I keep trying? Why do I keep trying to be your friend?” Izuku walked to them slowly as he continued. “Why do I feel the need to try, with you or anything else? Why do I keep going?” Katsuki was practically frozen, he didn’t know what to say as his brain processed what Izuku was saying.
“I don’t get it. Why do I keep trying to be alive when I've been told over and over that my dream is unreachable, that I’m useless.” Izuku stopped in front of Katsuki, his empty green eyes staring back into the fear filled red eyes.
Izuku was flooded with memories of his life. Childhood, elementary, middle school, and now. They were all filled with pain, all of them. All painted with red. All of his memories can make him cry at the thought of them. The words of Katsuki voiced over his memory playing.
“Useless”
“Quirkless”
“Worthless”
“Take a swan dive off the roof”
The same words that drove him to hurt himself, the no sleep, the suicidal thoughts.
“You know, Bakugou. I think I’ve never felt happiness or peace the day of me being quirkless got out. You have been the cause of my pain since that day, the reasoning behind every bad thing that has happened or has been said to me.”
Katsuki’s brain filled with fog and static could only focus on the fact he said Bakugou. “I-” Katsuki managed to mutter out, trying to form a sentence he could barely even think of to finish.
“Maybe I should take your advice, Bakugou.” Izuku hummed, turning his to the side to look at the empty classroom, contemplating.
“What the fuck?” The only thing Katsuki could manage to say. Catching the attention of Izuku. “I mean, you’re the one who told me. Over and over, practically being the only thing I could think about or plan. Why are you so shocked I actually might go through with it?” Izuku asked, tilting his head as he stared back at Katsuki.
“Because I never actually wanted you to do it.” Katsuki said without thinking or caring he said it in front of his goons. “But you still said it? Still thought about it and stood there and told me loud and clear.” Izuku shrugged.
Katsuki’s air was caught in his throat as he imagined finding Izuku like that.
“You won’t be able to stop me anyways, having to tell someone causes them to find you about the horrible things you’ve said and done to me. That stops your chances into getting into U.A causing someone to commit suicide for years of abuse? Won’t really look good on your record.” Izuku breathed out.
All Katsuki could do was stand there and stare back into Izuku’s eyes. He gulped, not knowing what to say or do.