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I finally did it
After almost a year of being ignored and put aside, of being treated like a chore, I ended it. The 4 year long friendship that got me through the struggles of a new school, that talked me through late night brake downs when I felt worthless, that made the whole world feel just a little bit less lonely when we we’re all isolated because of the pandemic. A friend that shared those struggles and I helped just as much.
A friend that even after hearing what they’ve done did to me told me that that they were “sorry I felt that way” and that they thought of me as the kind of friend you could just pick right back up after months of nothing, despite all the times I tried to talk to them and I’d be lucky to get even a sentence as a reply.
A person who told me that I “ was the one who didn’t want to be friends anymore” as if they hadn’t been trying to shake me off since September, as if this isn’t exactly what they did with everyone else they didn’t want to talk to anymore because they didn’t want to deal with the confrontation and feeling like the bad person is the situation.
I got angry. How could they? How could they listen to to what I’ve told them and say I’m the one ending things? How cold they hear me apologies for bothering them, for not picking up the signs sooner, after telling them about the break downs and tears they’ve put me through, for admitting that I was pathetic, and still say that I’m the reason things ended? I called them bad person, because I can’t imagine anyone good saying something like that after being told what they did has done to another human being. A person with thoughts and emotions, a friend who you swore you wouldn’t forget about every time I told you I was scared you would. Someone you dreamed about the future with, about being roommates in collage and have our kids be best friends. I know it was dumb to think things would last forever, but back then we really thought it would. How could you hear what you’ve done to a person like that and tell them it’s their fault that it’s not forever?
I didn’t expect some big apology, or for you to say that you’d try more, I just wanted you to acknowledge what you’ve done maybe even admit that you stopped caring a while back. That’s all, I just wanted some proper closure. But you couldn’t even give me that, even at the end of it you still refuse to feel like you did anything wrong. You still refused to feel like you were the bad person in this situation.
A stranger who at that moment I hoped felt all the guilt and anxiety I’ve helped them avoid throughout the years, who I hoped felt even a fraction of how they’ve made me feel.
A stranger who tried tell me I was guilting them, that it wasn’t their responsibility to fix what they broke. And it’s not. I may have wanted them to feel guilty but all I did was tell them how I felt and that I couldn’t do that anymore. I didn’t want them to fix me, I just didn’t want to be swept under a rug like a glass shattered by a kid who didn’t want to get in trouble. All I wanted was to be treated like something more than a bother one last time and you couldn’t even give me that.
In the end all you said was that you were “glad I got the closure I needed” when all I got from you was gaslighting, victim playing bullshit. And honesty I shouldn’t have expected anything else.
That was all about a month ago. And I’ll admit it’s been hard, I still think of them when I see things they’d probably like, or when a song like “Nothings New” by Rio Romeo comes on, because the lyrics fit just a little too well to everything that’s happened. But I don’t think I really relished just how broken I was till now, and how much healing I’ve already done.
It’s been a month and I’m already more outgoing, and sociable, and ok, then I have been in the last year. Hell I even got a girlfriend, and she is the most beautiful, adorable, nerdy geek, and I love every part of it. Every little quirk, like the fact that she always puts things in her bra when she doesn’t have pockets (and she never has pockets), or that she never just talks about the shows, or movies, or videos she likes she sits me down and we watch them together. It’s a first relationship for both of us and we are stumbling through it.
But I can finally say with confidence that I think I’m going to be ok. Even if I know there’s still going to be hard times, and I’m still going to cry over stupid things, and make mistakes, and hold on just a little too long. I think that I can be ok.