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Kaveh can remember that day like it was just yesterday. The day his long years of one-sided pining finally ended as Alhaitham nonchalantly professed his love, no gifts nor flowers. It wasn't even in a special place or anything. Just in the elevator going up to the House of Daena, with full intent of researching an inspiration for his current project. So unromantic but he couldn’t care less. His feelings were reciprocated, that’s what matters to him the most. It was a bright afternoon that time, deadlines were coming, and his client kept on rescheduling meetings that pissed the hell out of him. That week wasn’t the worst one he ever had, but it was surely so bad that he wanted nothing but to collapse in the bed he uses in the shared house he resides in, together with this dangerously pretty roommate that he harbors feelings for for the past three years. And the same roommate, now in front of him, head slightly tilted on the side, observing his expressions intensely after his confession, and archons Kaveh hoped he wasn’t making any ugly faces that time.
Right. Out of all the inconveniences that happened to him in that week, Alhaitham’s confession felt like a glass of full water that he just needed after walking endlessly in the desert as the blazing sun emits a scorching heat. And who is he to deny that glass of water. So he indulges in it, he melts into it. And he enjoyed every minute of it.
Blueprints scattered on the floor as he taped a new paper on his drafting table. Ah, another bad week. He guessed, evidently not happy with any of the work he had been working on for the past hours. And just as he raised his T-Square, he didn’t notice that he hadn't taped the bottom part of the paper, the big ruler getting slightly stuck into it, and ripping it apart by two.
“It’s definitely the coffee,” he reasoned out, blaming the beverage he had just drunk before starting to tape the paper. “The coffee is getting into me.”
“Surely blaming the coffee would make you feel better, huh?”
He peeked over his shoulder, his junior coming into his vision. He is leaning into the door frame with that same expressionless feature that he hated so much, but oh how he loves it at the same time . Alhaitham carries something with him, probably food, but he doesn’t have enough time to spare just to eat. He can do that anytime, but this one has a deadline. It can’t wait, this takes priority.
“Kaveh,” he called out, trying to sound intimidating. “You haven’t eaten since lunch.”
“Uh huh, thank you, I know. Please leave.” He said, taking out the tapes and sticking them at the top right of his table. He then rubbed his whole face with his hands, an act, a mannerism at this point, he does whenever he tries to wake himself up. He stretched his back as he studied all the rough sketches that are pinned on the wall in front of him, trying to find any flaws that he should change before laying all the final draft into the paper.
He heard a sigh, then the closing of the door, and footsteps drifting away from him. He breathed out of relief. His mind and emotions are all astray as of the moment, and he knows that Alhaitham knows that if tried to pry into his unhealthy way of taking care of his body, Kaveh will probably just lash onto him.
He stood up, deciding to clean up before starting to work again. As he picks up every crumbled paper and torn tracings, he spots the same food Alhaitham was carrying just a while ago in the middle of a tray placed neatly beside the door, perfectly away from the mess that littered every part of his room. It was a bowl of enameled shortbread, a fragrant food to quickly snack on. It looks appetizing, especially to Kaveh who hasn’t eaten anything since midday. He swallowed the lump of guilt building in his throat, recalling the saddened face of Alhaitham (that never happened and it’s just how he viewed him that moment) as he sat near the tray of food. He held the bowl and started to dig in, tears pricking his eyes. It might be the sentiments finally catching up on him, but he doesn’t care anyway.
That night, he had never tasted something more delicious than that simple four ingredient food of enameled shortbread.
–
Ah it really is a bad week. Kaveh grunted as he tried to stick the cutted cartons together but alas, they always came undone. He bit his lower lip, trying to hold back the anger that has been bottling up for the past two days. Just as he had finished the blueprint he put his heart and soul into, his stupid client went by the words that ‘ he cannot understand anything and would prefer a scale model to see how it looks if it has been built’ . Of course, Kaveh, the simpleton people pleaser who would do anything for his clients, agreed to make the incredibly time consuming scale model.
His hair and clothing in a state of disarray, he wondered if he should just take a rest for the day and just do it tomorrow, but for some reason, Kaveh felt that he was undeserving of that comfort.
“I’ve only done the floor plan, plumbing system, and the electrical system yesterday. That isn’t enough for me to rest,” he mumbled, trying to stick the two thin woods this time, finally giving up with the cartons. “I can finish this by five in the morning, then I can rest to my heart’s content.”
But, oh how his back wants to feel the delicious coldness of his bed. He shook his head, trying to focus on what he had to do.
The door swings open, and even if he doesn’t peek to see who it is, the familiar scent engulfing his presence is enough to know that it’s his stupid beloved junior who just came home, welcomed by the mess that he is.
“You should really rest,” Alhaitham immediately commented, his baritone voice vibrating in the room, staring into the back of his lover. “And you don’t get to clutter up my living room. I see that as a win-win.”
“Can we not do this today, Alhaitham? And don’t worry, I am fully capable of cleaning all of this by myself. I do not need any of your naggings because, as you can see, I am extremely busy right now.” He hissed, venom laced at every word he had utter. Alhaitham doesn’t seem to be moved nor mad by this however.
Alhaitham sat beside him.
“Do you need any help?”
“I said–'' He turned and saw Alhaitham’s ever-neutral bearing. Determination and desire to be of help visible in his features.
Kaveh stared at him, then a sigh left his lips, then now replaced with a defeated smile.
“Please stick the cartons together.”
“Gladly.”
Like how he struggled earlier, it is such a funny sight how the great scribe of Sumeru endeavored on gluing the two pieces. Brows almost meet each other, confusion dancing in his expression.
“I believe it’s your glue that is faulty. How come these two do not stick?” Alhaitham stated, earning a laugh from Kaveh.
Alhaitham looked at him with adoration. He finally elicited a genuine laugh from him. What a sight, truly.
And that was the last time he had seen him laugh that fairly.
—
“I said I don’t need any of your help in my design! Nor your suggestions to change a certain part! Do I need to drill that in that little brain of yours to understand?” Kaveh screamed as he slammed the door shut, earning a slight flinch from Alhaitham.
Kaveh, the proud architect he is, won’t listen to the engineer assigned to him. This bold person tried to suggest changes in the structure which meant starting everything from scratch again. But that wasn’t the reason why Kaveh was angry, no. Alhaitham knows how much his buildings meant to him, it is his creations and his alone. He won’t let anyone alter them nor follow those so-called improvements to make them look “ better ”.
The engineer however, isn’t still done with the argument, not backing down either.
“Architect, listen to me,” he knocked. “Your buildings are just impossible to build. Especially with such intricate electrical plans, I don’t think we can execute this properly.”
Kaveh scoffed. “What an incompetent engineer you are. Even the engineers I’ve worked with with the Palace of Alcazarcaray wasn’t this pushing.”
“Think over this again. We don’t want to have our client’s hopes up.” He left.
Kaveh, still seething in anger, sat in annoyance. Alhaitham who just happened to visit him suddenly felt out of space. He figured that he should give Kaveh some time alone to calm down and think.
“I shouldn’t be here. I’ll leave you be and be in the House of Daena in the meantime.”
His words betrayed his intentions. At least that was how Kaveh interpreted it. A sarcastic laugh spilled.
“That’s it?”
Alhaitham blinked in confusion. “Is there anything else I should say?”
“Archons, I can’t believe you. You’d rather leave me here alone and read?” Kaveh chuckled and gave him a look of surprise and disappointment.
“No, I just thought you could use some time alone to think.” Alhaitham reasoned out, but it only added fuel to the fire that was already burning inside Kaveh’s heart, and with gritted teeth, he yelled.
“Ah! So think over what that son of a bitch said? You think my buildings could use some alterations Alhaitham?” He shouted with disbelief coating his voice.
“Stop twisting my words, Kaveh. I am only being thoughtful of your feelings.”
Kaveh knows. But he’s tired and emotional, he’s beyond exhausted and he wanted nothing more than to sit on his lover’s lap and just… melt. He wanted to drink that glass of water, a sip will do, he’d take anything really, but not this.
“Thoughtful? No, Alhaitham, you’re being a negligent partner!” He accused, matching his words with hand movements to, at least, unleash the extra anger in him. “What kind of partner would leave his boyfriend alone when he’s clearly in a state of stress?!”
“I thought–”
“Enough. Leave me be. Go bury yourself and have an affair with your books.” He whispered in defeat, voice almost cracking in the process as he gently pushed Alhaitham near the door. He opened it wide and gestured outside and choked back his tears. He doesn’t want Alhaitham to see him cry.
But oh, how he wants to have Alhaitham hug him tight that time. It’s okay if he wouldn’t, couldn’t , give him any words of comfort. His warmth is enough to give him solace and ease his anger, calm his worries. For him, it is enough.
Alhaitham left.
–
When Alhaitham had came home, Kaveh was sitting on the sofa, obviously uncomfortable. When he saw Alhaitham, he immediately stood up and jumped on him. Alhaitham dropped everything, the Padisarah flowers, the enameled shortbread, and the new canister of tracings. He dropped those and went for the hug to catch Kaveh. He buried himself in his scent, burning it into his memory. Kaveh, on the other hand, wasn’t sobbing, but there’s a waterfall of tears in his eyes, drenching the coat of Alhaitham.
The scribe’s hand lingered in Kaveh’s hair, further softening in the embrace as he inhaled the fragrance of ink and glue on Kaveh, burying his nose in the architect's neck.
“Shh,” Alhaitham cooed, rubbing Kaveh’s back up and down in hopes of giving him some sort of consolation. “I know.” He replied to the muffled I’m sorry ’s that is being whispered in that broad shoulders of his.
–
Arguments are very common between the two. Endless banters, friendly or personal, they would always sit on them and talk about it if one of them crossed the line. However, talking about the disagreements just right after they had just argued about it isn’t anything they need. It would deepen the squabble, like right now.
“You really like to twist my words, Kaveh. You know full well that’s not what I meant.” Alhaitham defends, still calm and cold.
Alhaitham being so calm in the fight irked Kaveh even more. To him, it felt like Alhaitham doesn't care about anything he says.
“It’s what you implied.”
“I said that you should not be draining yourself. I am simply worried. I don’t know how you interpreted those words the way you did. I said them with full concern and not contempt or any intention of ridiculing you.”
“No, no, no. You think I am not capable of working under pressure ‘O Great Scribe of Sumeru.” Kaveh mocked. It made Alhaitham flinch restlessly.
“Kaveh, I am just concerned that you’re not taking good care of yourself. For the past three days, you’ve been engrossing yourself in this project. You’re gonna get sick at this rate.”
“Ah, now you think I’m that weak?”
“No, I just think you’re being a little stubborn. Why does my words go through your ears, misunderstand what I am implying, then go out to the other?”
Kaveh doesn’t even know what made him mad. But the days of pressure and stress are piling up, he can’t bottle it anymore, every little thing makes him shiver in anger at this point. He buried his face in his palms, then scratched his hair into a mess after. Brows knitted into each other, lost in the maze of his own emotions.
He looked at Alhaitham, but he couldn’t recognize him as his lover. This man is a stranger.
If he is my Alhaitham, he would understand. He thought, convincing himself. My Alhaitham would understand.
“Listen to me,” He held Kaveh’s hands softly. “I just don’t want to see you work yourself to death.”
But Kaveh is too tired to understand him. Kaveh is too lost in the maze of his own emotions to process anything. He slapped his hands away, and at that moment, Alhaitham felt a rift in their relationship. He felt a glass breaking between him and Kaveh.
“I do not need you worrying about me. I don’t need you telling me what to do. In fact, that’s kinda hypocritical of you, saying I should stop occupying myself with this project when you used to immerse yourself in reading with little to no breaks back then. Listen here Alhaitham, I am fully capable of taking care of myself,” he laughed sarcastically and bowed. “Thank you, though. Really grateful. How thoughtful of Sumeru’s Grand Scribe, thinking about this poor architect’s health.”
Kaveh left, and with every step is a glass slightly breaking under his feet, threatening to fall in the void, throwing everything they have been working so hard to build in this relationship.
–
Kaveh can remember that day like it was just yesterday, which it was. His voice still echoing on the walls of his mind, guilt eating him inside out. Alhaitham only wanted to help but he had done nothing but push him away. Alhaitham ignored him like a plague, he supposed he’s giving him time to calm down, like how he always does it whenever the architect’s angry and pissed. But Kaveh having time alone makes him scared and paranoid.
What if Alhaitham finally snaps? What if he has grown tired of me bitching and whining about everything? What if he’s really angry this time? What if… he leaves me for good? Kinds of thoughts are swirling inside his head.
Kaveh knows he should apologize, he knows he’s the one in the wrong. He stood up and with a heavy heart filled with the burning need to apologize, he went to the House of Daena. As he makes his way, he mentally notes to not make any bullshit excuses and just apologize. Their fights never escalated into something big like this one and it makes Kaveh drown in culpability that he’s the reason why it came into this. He knows that being under immense pressure and strain isn’t an excuse.
The doors of the House of Daena never felt intimidating and big to Kaveh. He remembers being in this enormous library, sitting together with Alhaitham just across him as he finalized his research on a certain infrastructure. It was still when they’re not official yet, still not even knowing of each other’s feelings they harbor on each other. He remembers staring at his stupidly pretty face as his eyes made of green irises and diamond pupils adorned in red scans the passages in the book he took interest in. Those slender fingers caging that pencil, spinning it again and again, a form of entertainment for him perhaps. He remembers how Alhaitham would suggest that he take a picture instead and how he scoffed at the statement. The smirk on his handsome features made him choke in tears. He remembers Alhaitham stealing his hair clips and wearing them as if he owns those colorful yellow and red ornaments.
He’s so pretty. He would think, clenching on the sides of his uniform as he felt his ears heat up with the sudden realization. Fuck, he’s so pretty.
He pushed himself to walk, eyes scanning the whole library looking for a certain ash-haired man.
Alhaitham finds him first. He always does.
“Kaveh?”
He froze, all the words of apology being swallowed back in his throat as he looked at the direction where he heard that annoying low voice. He felt his tears pooling in his eyes, never falling, staying there.
“‘Haitham…”
Ah, there’s the nickname that Alhaitham hasn't heard for the past three days. It was enough, for him it was enough than any verbal apology Kaveh would utter.
Kaveh sat in front of him.
“If you’re here to apologize, don’t bother. I know you only said those things out of exhaustion–”
“Stop making excuses for me, Alhaitham.” Kaveh spitted.
“Let’s hear yours then.”
“I have none, I am fully aware that I am in the wrong. I shouldn’t have said those things. I don’t mean every single syllable of them,” Kaveh said, looking straight into his eyes, trying to get the sincerity into this man. “I shouldn’t have pushed you away and–”
“And I shouldn’t have aggravated you more. We’re both at fault,” Alhaitham said, snapping the book he’s holding close and leaning onto Kaveh more. “Though I can’t say it pissed me a little.”
Kaveh scoffed. “I know.”
“Oh?”
“Yeah, oh. ” Kaveh sighed. “Just… I’m sorry, I mean it. For pushing you away, invalidating all your feelings, and even nitpicking every little thing you do. And, uh, for not talking about this immediately. I know I can't make it up with some shitty apology like this. I just want you to know that you did nothing wrong and I was just being an emotional bastard,” tears pricking into his eyes once more. "I did you incredibly wrong. I know you were just worried but because I'm some emotional little shit that acts before I think, I've said so many things to you. Everything I had said to you for the past days we've been fighting- I've been lashing on you, I don't mean it. You aren't a negligent lover, nor do I not want and need you to care for me.
I'm sorry, I really am. What I said and did were all out of the line, twisting everything you have said just for the sake of blaming something on you to get you to stop persuading me to eat and sleep, just because I don't want to. Fuck, I could have just told you to leave before I actually explode in anger but I just... lashed everything on you."
“No need to say sorry. I would understand if you don’t want to talk to me immediately, and I don’t want to force you into fixing whatever this is just for the sake of fixing things,” Alhaitham leaned back to his chair. “I knew you’d come back after all.”
“Pompous little shit.” Kaveh laughed, wiping the tears in his eyes that still haven't fell.
Ah, this makes Alhaitham remember something. When they were still students, they wasted their time in this very library. He would stare at Kaveh with his cheeks resting in his hands, he would notice every change in his expression. Kaveh has always been so expressive. You would immediately know his mood. Whenever he’s happy, his smile would be so big it would tear his face in half. His laughs would be louder and joyful than usual. Whenever he’s pissed, a pout and roll of eyes would be present, ignoring the person that made him mad. When he’s sad, he would go uncharacteristically silent, staring in the void.
The way Alhaitham looked at him back then, filled with curiosity, as if Kaveh is a test subject, except he’s not. He’s the very same boy Alhaitham fell in love with.
“You can make it up to me by joining me for dinner tonight?” Alhaitham offered.
Kaveh still has a lot of things to finish. He knows he does not have enough time for literally anything. He needs to walk into this hot desert just to finally get out of it. But he needs that glass of water to drink, just at least once.
Driven by his emotions like usual, not with guilt this time, Kaveh stared at him, then a sigh left his lips, then now replaced with a defeated smile.
“Alright, my treat then.”
“Oh? Really now? I thought you’re gonna ask me to treat you with a drink as always.”
“You know what, fuck you.”
That night, Kaveh had never tasted anything more delicious than the simple dinner, it wasn't even cooked by the two of them. But ah, it really is something when you eat with someone you treasure dearly.