Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

When Luo Binghe is fourteen years old, his shizun suffers a terrible qi deviation and fever that completely changes who he is. The abusive tyrant is instead replaced by an astoundingly kind man who doesn’t seem to know how kind he is. Whether Shen Qingqiu ever figures that out or not, Luo Binghe vows to protect this precious man for the rest of his days.

The years he spends living in the bamboo house, taking care of his shizun, are absolutely his best in memory. Every time his shizun compliments his cooking, every time he allows Luo Binghe to do his hair, every time he smiles, Luo Binghe feels weak and falls even more hopelessly in love. He prays it never ends.

And then his shizun pushes Luo Binghe into the Endless Abyss. And then when they’re reunited in Jinlan City, his shizun sacrifices himself so that Luo Binghe won’t be consumed by Xin Mo. And then at Maigu Ridge, his shizun dies to save him again and it’s all Luo Binghe’s fault.

Luo Binghe doesn’t survive that and neither does anyone else.

When Luo Binghe is fourteen years old, his shizun suffers a terrible qi deviation and fever that completely changes who he is. The abusive tyrant is instead replaced by an astoundingly kind man who doesn’t seem to know how kind he is. Whether Shen Qingqiu ever figures that out or not, Luo Binghe vows to protect this precious man for the rest of his days.

Though strict, he shows great care for all of the disciples and crafts personal improvement plans for every one of them, including Luo Binghe. Knowing Luo Binghe’s physical cultivation is his greatest strength, Shen Qingqiu arranges for him to train personally with Liu Qingge. Luo Binghe doesn’t necessarily like Liu Qingge, but he does his best to ignore the jealousy he feels every time Shen Qingqiu gives Liu Qingge a kind look or a pat on the arm or anything at all. The only saving grace is that Shen Qingqiu doesn’t seem to notice Liu Qingge’s non-platonic interest.

Luo Binghe studies hard, memorizing the books of monsters and flora Shen Qingqiu assigns him. One of the books was even written by Shizun and Luo Binghe rereads it over and over and over. His beautiful Shizun, precious beyond words. As soon as he’s hit his majority, Luo Binghe vows to marry this man.

The years he spends living in the bamboo house, taking care of his shizun, are absolutely his best in memory. Every time his shizun compliments his cooking, every time he allows Luo Binghe to do his hair, every time he smiles, Luo Binghe feels weak and falls even more hopelessly in love. He prays it never ends.

And then his shizun pushes Luo Binghe into the Endless Abyss. It takes him weeks to realize Shen Qingqiu must have had some inkling that this was coming, considering all of the training. So many pitfalls Luo Binghe side steps simply because he recognizes a specific flower or animal or fighting technique. But no, of course Shen Qingqiu didn’t, because then why would he spend so much effort on a demon he planned to throw away?

Luo Binghe vows to show he can be good. When he gets out of the Abyss, he puts the entire demon realm under his heel. The north falls a lot faster than the south, having already been mostly under one ruler, but he perseveres. He will show that he took his training to heart by beating the entire demon realm into submission. There are several splinter groups that he has to weed out, not necessarily difficult but time consuming. Still, he is victorious and that victory propels him back into the human realm. He thinks now he’ll become a righteous cultivator beyond reproach.

Then he finds out Shen Qingqiu was taken into Huan Hua custody a year ago and sentenced to life imprisonment in the water prison for murder and abuse charges. Luo Binghe cons his way in, figuring this is as good an opportunity to get answers about his shizun’s actions as he’ll ever get.

But by the time he finds his shizun, there’s only a few moments for Shen Qingqiu to smile at him and say his name with such overwhelming affection before dying in his arms from the unrestricted spread of Without-A-Cure.

Luo Binghe doesn’t survive that and neither does Huan Hua Palace.

When Luo Binghe is fourteen years old, his shizun suffers a terrible qi deviation and fever that completely changes who he is. The abusive tyrant is instead replaced by a kind man who doesn’t seem to know how kind he is. Whether Shen Qingqiu ever figures that out or not, Luo Binghe vows to protect this man for the rest of his days.

Though strict, he shows great care for all of the disciples and crafts personal improvement plans for every one of them, including Luo Binghe. For some reason, Shen Qingqiu arranges for Luo Binghe to visit Qiong Ding Peak and shadow Yue Qingyuan in his dealings with sect leadership a few times a week. While Luo Binghe has mixed feelings about the sect leader, having noticed Yue Qingyuan’s interest in his shizun, he has to admit that the intricacies of leadership and politics of inter-sect relations is fascinating. Idly, he wonders if this is a sign that Shen Qingqiu might have decided to name him heir to Qing Jing Peak.

Along with that, Shen Qingqiu arranges for Luo Binghe to train personally with Liu Qingge. Luo Binghe doesn’t necessarily like Liu Qingge, but he does his best to ignore the jealousy he feels every time Shen Qingqiu gives Liu Qingge a kind look or a pat on the arm or anything at all. The only saving grace is that Shen Qingqiu doesn’t seem to notice Liu Qingge’s non-platonic interest.

Luo Binghe studies hard, memorizing the books of monsters and flora Shen Qingqiu assigns him. One of the books was even written by Shizun and Luo Binghe rereads it over and over and over. His beautiful Shizun, precious beyond words. As soon as he’s hit his majority, Luo Binghe vows to marry this man.

The years he spends living in the bamboo house, taking care of his shizun, are absolutely his best in memory. Every time his shizun compliments his cooking, every time he allows Luo Binghe to do his hair, every time he smiles, Luo Binghe feels weak and falls even more hopelessly in love. He prays it never ends.

And then his shizun pushes Luo Binghe into the Endless Abyss. It takes him weeks to realize Shen Qingqiu must have had some inkling that this was coming, considering all of the training. So many pitfalls Luo Binghe side steps simply because he recognizes a specific flower or animal or fighting technique. But no, of course Shen Qingqiu didn’t, because then why would he spend so much effort on a demon he planned to throw away?

Luo Binghe vows to show he can be good. When he gets out of the Abyss, he puts the entire demon realm under his heel. The north falls quickly once he defeats Mobei Jun and then Luo Binghe turns his sights on the south. Without a central leader, it takes far longer to quell the various demon tribes and cities through a mix of diplomacy and sheer strength. That victory propels him back into the human realm and he thinks now he’ll become a righteous cultivator beyond reproach.

He finds out Shen Qingqiu is on trial for murder and abuse charges. The verdict has already been made by the time he gets to Huan Hua and his shizun is to be imprisoned for life in the water prison. Luo Binghe cons his way in, figuring this is as good an opportunity to get answers about his shizun’s actions as he’ll ever get.

Before he can even open his mouth, Shen Qingqiu is apologizing for everything he’s ever done. He begs that Luo Binghe believe that he had no choice, that he’d never wanted to push him, that he loves him, loves him, loves him. Luo Binghe is in tears but has only opened his mouth when Shen Qingqiu jerks with sudden pain, collapsing from some unknown ailment. He says Luo Binghe’s name once more and then he’s gone.

Luo Binghe tries everything to bring him back to life but nothing works. After six years, his father is revived, steals Xin Mo, and decides to merge the realms into one. Luo Binghe has been alone and hurting and hopeless for so long. He doesn’t have the strength to stop him and doesn’t even want to. This world his master so loved holds nothing for him anymore.

Luo Binghe doesn’t survive that and neither does most of humanity.

When Luo Binghe is fourteen years old, his shizun suffers a terrible qi deviation and fever that completely changes who he is. The abusive tyrant is instead replaced by a kind man who doesn’t seem to know how kind he is.

Barely recovered from his illness and with a single successful night hunt under his belt, Shen Qingqiu decides to leave the peak and invites Luo Binghe to go with him. They travel from place to place, never staying more than a day at most before taking to Shen Qingqiu’s sword and going somewhere else.

Luo Binghe has no idea why his once terrible shizun is now sharing all these experiences with him, but he vows to treasure them. Along the way, Shen Qingqiu personally trains him in sword fighting, martial arts, tactics, diplomacy… The problems they come across, he uses as learning opportunities to further Luo Binghe’s growth. He’s well on his way to becoming a great cultivator and it’s all Shen Qingqiu’s doing.

They grow closer, far more comfortable. Shen Qingqiu combs out Luo Binghe’s wild curls with practice and care. Luo Binghe crafts feasts from whatever they have around. He’s never been happier and he thinks his shizun is happy, too. Sometimes, when Shen Qingqiu looks at him, it seems more like a man with his wife rather than a master with his pupil. Luo Bingha decides that as soon as he’s hit his majority, he will marry this man.

A blissful year has passed when they find out that Cang Qiong Mountain was beset by demons while most of the peak lords were gone for one matter or another. The losses are massive, both structurally and in terms of lives lost. Other sects wonder if they’ll ever recover. This, finally, is what makes Shen Qingqiu decide to go back.

Rebuilding takes time. Shen Qingqiu throws himself into it with a ferver that can be fueled by nothing except guilt. It hurts Luo Binghe’s heart to watch but all he can do is help. In the disciples that survived the massacre, a great resentment burrows and Shen Qingqiu seems intent on making himself the focus of it. He had abandoned the sect for a year. He had not been here to help. He is responsible for just how bad things were.

It’s worse after they find Liu Qingge’s body in Lingxi Cave. Mu Qingfang rules the cause of death to be a massive qi deviation Liu Qingge hadn’t been able to heal from on his own. The mourning period on Cang Qiong stretches further.

Shen Qingqiu becomes closed off after that and no amount of effort Luo Binghe makes brings him out of it. He stops eating, mostly stops sleeping as well. He wanders the peak like a ghost. It burns Luo Binghe deeply to think his shizun held such regard for Liu Qingge for this to be what broke his spirit, but he can’t dispute what his eyes see. It doesn’t matter how close they’d gotten during their travels if Shen Qignqiu’s heart had already belonged to another.

It’s not until a few years more that Shen Qingqiu finally comes out of his fugue. Planning for the Immortal Alliance Conference gives him something constructive to do. Luo Binghe assists as much as he can but Shen Qingqiu seems almost obsessed with getting everything just right.

The conference comes. And then his shizun pushes Luo Binghe into the Endless Abyss. He says nothing when he does it, pressing Xiu Ya into Luo Binghe’s hands and then sending him toppling in. It takes him weeks to realize Shen Qingqiu must have had some inkling that this was coming, considering he’d given up his spiritual sword so that Luo Binghe would have a weapon.

What he doesn’t understand is why his beloved shizun decided he needed to go into the Abyss. Had Shen Qingqiu been worried about the danger a newly awakened heavenly demon could pose? Had he thought his martial brothers would kill Luo Binghe on the spot? Had he simply been tired of Luo Binghe’s presence and decided this was the easiest way to get rid of him? Like the sword could ever replace Shen Qingqiu in Luo Binghe’s life.

He vows to show his worth. When he gets out of the Abyss, he puts the entire demon realm under his heel. The north falls a lot faster than the south, having already been mostly under one ruler, but he perseveres. He will show the strength of his convictions by beating the entire demon realm into submission. There are several splinter groups that he has to weed out, not necessarily difficult but time consuming. Still, he is victorious and that victory propels him back into the human realm. He thinks now he’ll do the same with them, too.

Then he finds out Shen Qingqiu confessed to murder and abusing his disciples just after the conference, allowing himself to be imprisoned in the water prison. He’d been dead within a year, having slipped his bonds and thrown himself in the bubbling acid surrounding his cell in shame. At least, that’s the story Luo Binghe beats out of Lao Gongzhu before killing him and razing Huan Hua Palace to the ground.

He goes to Cang Qiong Mountain to kneel before Shen Qingqiu’s empty grave, and there he puts his sword to his own throat.

Luo Binghe doesn’t survive that.

When Luo Binghe is fourteen years old, his shizun suffers a terrible qi deviation and fever that subtly changes who he is. The abusive tyrant is instead replaced by a man no less cruel but far more reserved in his punishments.

Just because he doesn’t beat Luo Binghe after that doesn’t mean he isn’t cruel. He finds every opportunity to tear Luo Binghe down, even if there’s something very awkward and unnatural about it. Like Shen Qingqiu forgot how to do it and is now having to pick up where he left off with no idea the proper way to do so.

Luo Binghe gets the worst chores and his fellow disciples bully him mercilessly. Shen Qingqiu turns a blind eye to everything. As resentment grows and festers within Luo Binghe, he decides that the best revenge will be surpassing Shen Qingqiu in all matters. He lets that sentiment carry him through the next few years as the wrongs done against him stack up.

And then his shizun pushes Luo Binghe into the Endless Abyss. There’s not any feeling on Shen Qingqiu’s face. He just tells him that demons belong in the Abyss and then Luo Binghe is falling.

Hatred can be a powerful motivator. Luo Binghe lets it carry him through five years of hell and conquering the demon realm before he sets his sights on the human world. There’s been so little kindness afforded him by humans. Far less reason for him to ever trust one when a demon’s loyalty is so much easier to confirm.

So, he doesn’t trust Lao Gongzhu when he’s welcomed into Huan Hua. He doesn’t trust Lao Gongzhu when he presents evidence enough to try and convict Shen Qingqiu of wrongdoing. He doesn’t trust that Lao Gongzhu’s offer of his own daughter’s hand in marriage is anything but a power grab.

Luo Binghe, however, is open to gaining that power.

He leaves his old shizun to die ingloriously alone in the water prison and then takes down the sect that never loved him just because he can.

One day, hundreds of wives and millions of murders later, Luo Binghe is finished with life and takes himself out with no plans left for any successors. Let everyone else figure it out for themselves.

When Luo Binghe is fourteen years old, his shizun suffers a terrible qi deviation and fever that completely changes who he is. The abusive tyrant is instead replaced by a far more quiet and reserved man.

Immediately, the abuse Luo Binghe had been suffering at the hands of the other disciples ends and he’s given a room in the disciple dormitory again. Ming Fan never stops sneering at him and assigning him the worst of the chores, but it stops there and goes no further. Ning Yingying is ecstatic of course. Luo Binghe stays on guard in case the peace is temporary.

After that, Luo Binghe is just another disciple. His shizun pays no more or less attention to him, no longer singles him out for correction. There are no beatings and his cultivation manual is replaced with one better suited to him. Shen Qingqiu takes them on a few night hunts and then shuts himself into Yingxi Cave for a month. He comes out with a post qi-deviation Liu Qingge and then goes right back to his usual routine on Qing Jing Peak.

There’s something hilariously tragic about the way Liu Qingge starts courting Shen Qingqiu after he recovers. Hilarious in the sheer level of obliviousness Shen Qingqiu shows, never seeming to realize what’s going on. Tragic in that Liu Qingge doesn’t give up anyway.

When demons try to invade the mountain, Shen Qingqiu shows them no mercy and successfully holds them off until Liu Qingge can arrive to support him. Together, they wipe out most of the demon army and take Sha Hualing captive. Then, as the remaining demons escape, Liu Qingge collapses.

There’s a change in Shen Qingqiu after it’s discovered that Liu Qingge has been afflicted with the usually deadly Without-A-Cure poison. With no known antidote, Liu Qingge is subjected to regular medical screenings and a daily tea to control the effects. Shen Qingqiu visits Bai Zhan Peak regularly to clear his meridians. The courting gifts stop arriving on Qing Jing Peak because Liu Qingge is restricted to the mountain due to his unreliable qi. His mood hits rock bottom and Shen Qingqiu’s goes with it.

It takes Luo Binghe weeks to realize what he keeps seeing on Shen Qingqiu’s face is guilt. Instead of blaming the demons for their underhanded tactics, his shizun blames himself for not preventing the poisoning. Something warm and tender starts forming within Luo Binghe at the realization of his shizun’s fragile heart and he can now see Shen Qingqiu in a completely different light.

Luo Binghe volunteers for several chores that will directly make Shen Qingqiu’s day easier. He cleans the bamboo house, sorts his correspondence, cooks his meals. Anything he can think of to look after him. It does little to lessen the weight of guilt, but Shen Qingqiu gives him a soft, “Thank you, Binghe,” every time he notices. Luo Binghe holds those words tight to his chest.

And then the Immortal Alliance Conference happens and Luo Binghe’s demonic nature is revealed to his shizun. He expects to be killed on the spot, like the invading demons from years ago had been, but Shen Qingqiu just stands there and stares at him.

“Shizun, I’m so sorry,” Luo Binghe says over and over, going to his knees to prove how sorry he truly is. He never meant to lie to Shen Qingqiu, to deceive him, but had Shen Qingqiu known earlier…

“I can’t do this anymore,” Shen Qingqiu says, so quietly Luo Binghe almost misses it. Tears start rolling down his shizun’s slack face to Luo Binghe’s utter horror. “Binghe, I can’t-”

Shen Qingqiu draws his sword. Before Luo Binghe can beg for his life, Shen Qingqiu lets go and flicks his wrist. Xiu Ya hangs in the air in front of him and the point turns his way. Another flick and it impales him through the chest.

Luo Binghe holds his master in the minute it takes for him to die, desperately pulling at every medical qi technique he’s ever learned to no avail. Shen Qingqiu only stops crying after his heart stops beating.

When the other peak lords arrive, they see the changes due to Luo Binghe’s demonic heritage, see the sign of a heavenly demon upon his forehead, and then see their dead brother in his arms. They don’t ask questions.

Luo Binghe doesn’t survive that.

When Luo Binghe is fourteen years old, his shizun suffers a terrible qi deviation and fever that completely changes who he is. The abusive tyrant is instead replaced by a man who can in no way function as a peak lord anymore.

He lives for a single day after he wakes, doing nothing but crying, and then has a heart attack that not even Mu Qingfang can save him from.

Luo Binghe never figures out if he’s relieved or not for this outcome even after becoming a hugely successful righteous cultivator.

When Luo Binghe is fourteen years old, his shizun suffers a terrible qi deviation and fever that completely changes who he is. The abusive tyrant is instead replaced by a man who can in no way function as a peak lord anymore.

He lives for a handful of hours after he wakes, doing nothing but crying, and then has a heart attack that not even Mu Qingfang can save him from.

Luo Binghe never figures out if he’s relieved or not for this outcome even after becoming a hugely successful righteous cultivator.

When Luo Binghe is fourteen years old, his shizun suffers a terrible qi deviation and fever that completely changes who he is. The abusive tyrant is instead replaced by a man who can in no way function as a peak lord anymore.

He lives for barely half an hour after he wakes, doing nothing but crying, and then has a heart attack that not even Mu Qingfang can save him from.

Luo Binghe never figures out if he’s relieved or not for this outcome even after becoming a hugely successful righteous cultivator…

Chapter Text

When Luo Binghe is fourteen years old, his shizun suffers a terrible qi deviation. The abusive tyrant is instead replaced by a man who can in no way function as a peak lord anymore.

He lives for only minutes after he wakes, doing nothing but crying and apologizing, and then has a heart attack that not even Mu Qingfang can save him from.

Luo Binghe never figures out if he’s relieved or not for this outcome even after becoming a hugely successful righteous cultivator.

When Luo Binghe is fourteen years old, his shizun suffers a terrible qi deviation and perishes.

Without waking, he has a heart attack that not even Mu Qingfang can save him from.

Luo Binghe never figures out if he’s relieved or not for this outcome even after becoming a hugely successful righteous cultivator.

When Luo Binghe is fourteen years old, his shizun suffers a terrible qi deviation and perishes.

Without waking, he has a heart attack that not even Mu Qingfang can save him from.

Luo Binghe never figures out if he’s relieved or not for this outcome even after becoming a hugely successful righteous cultivator.

When Luo Binghe is fourteen years old, his shizun suffers a terrible qi deviation and perishes.

Without waking, he has a heart attack that not even Mu Qingfang can save him from.

Luo Binghe never figures out if he’s relieved or not for this outcome even after becoming a hugely successful righteous cultivator.

When Luo Binghe is fourteen years old, his shizun suffers a terrible qi deviation and fever that completely changes who he is. The abusive tyrant is instead replaced by a man who can in no way function as a peak lord anymore.

No one is allowed in the bamboo house except the sect leader and Mu Qingfang. Not even Ming Fan for cleaning or meals. Day after day, the two peak lords go in and out, looking more and more grim every time.

After nearly two weeks of this with no news given, something changes. Yue Qingyuan stops Luo Binghe on his way to clean the dormitories, a strange look on his face that Luo Binghe has no hope of reading.

“Prepare a meal for your shizun,” he says, no further explanation coming.

Luo Binghe obeys. He takes the greatest care he ever has in crafting it, nothing but the best for his ill shizun. Perhaps if he can only prove himself…

He hurries to the bamboo house where Yue Qingyuan takes the tray with a nod and goes inside. Luo Binghe finds out later that it gets returned to the kitchens untouched. It happens again the day after.

The third time, Yue Qingyuan doesn’t take the tray. He holds open the door, waiting expectantly for Luo Binghe to enter. The bamboo house has never felt so unwelcoming as it does now, dark and unkempt. Luo Binghe itches to clean the gathered dust and straighten up things left out forgotten. Instead, he follows Yue Qingyuan into the bedroom.

Shen Qingqiu lays still on the bed, his back turned toward the door and a pillow hugged to his chest. His dark hair is tangled and forgotten, his skin is sickly pale. He doesn’t acknowledge them, nor answers when Yue Qingyuan calls for him. Frowning with obvious worry, Yue Qingyuan gestures for Luo Binghe to come forward.

The crockery on the tray makes quiet little clattering sounds as the tray trembles in his hands. Luo Binghe steps gingerly up to the bed, takes a breath, and then says, “Shizun?”

There is an immediate change. Shen Qingqiu stiffens, clutching the pillow tighter to his chest like it’s something precious they might take from him. Then he slowly turns his head and stares up at Luo Binghe. His eyes are puffy and wet with a bruised quality to the skin around them, drying tear tracks down his cheeks. The vulnerability of it startles Luo Binghe back a step, but then the tears start up anew and his heart hurts. For all that this man has hurt him so many times, Luo Binghe has never wanted anything but to be like him. Seeing Shen Qingqiu brought so low…

“Luo-shizhi has prepared a meal for you,” Yue Qingyuan says.

“I don’t-” but Shen Qingqiu trails off and just keeps staring at Luo Binghe in a way Luo Binghe has never seen before. He sits up, the pillow still held tight and hiding part of his face behind it just as his fans normally do.

Beside him, Yue Qingyuan doesn’t exactly relax but relief radiates from him regardless.

“Leave us,” Shen Qingqiu says, his eyes never moving from Luo Binghe’s face.

“Yes, Shizun-”

“Not you.”

Yue Qingyuan stiffens. He glances towards Luo Binghe, expression unreadable, and then nods to Shen Qingqiu. “This shixiong will be in the other room if Shidi needs him.”

No response. Yue Qingyuan lingers only a few seconds and then leaves the bedroom. Without the sect leader as witness, Luo Binghe wonders if Shen Qingqiu will beat him for witnessing this moment of weakness, but Shen Qingqiu makes no move to. He just stares at Luo Binghe like he’s a ghost.

“Are you… is… Is Binghe still sleeping in the woodshed?” he asks finally. The tone of his voice is all wrong. Too soft, too weak. Luo Binghe has never heard his name from Shen Qingqiu before, much less with such familiarity.

“Yes, Shizun,” Luo Binghe answers and Shen Qingqiu’s face falls. He drops his head to press his face fully against the pillow, his shoulders trembling. And then he sobs.

Luo Binghe has no idea what to do. He can only stand there and stare as his once proud shizun falls apart in front of him. Just how has the illness reduced him to this? Shen Qingqiu is larger than life in Luo Binghe’s eyes and has been for years, ever since he was first brought to Qing Jing Peak. This…

Swallowing down the growing lump in his throat, Luo Binghe sets the tray down at the bedside table and goes to kneel on the floor at his master’s side.

“This disciple is comfortable in the woodshed,” he tries, grasping at straws to try and comfort Shen Qingqiu. It does the opposite. Shen Qingqiu only cries harder.

“No, you aren’t,” he whines, only partially muffled by the pillow. “You aren’t, I know you aren’t, no one would be, why did you ever accept- I can’t-”

“Shizun…”

“Binghe will move to the side room of this bamboo house immediately!”

What? Luo Binghe is frozen despite Shen Qingqiu’s vehemence. Move into the bamboo house? Live with Shizun?! A complicated mix of discordant feelings race through him. Being kept so close should be an honor, but being in his shizun’s personal space would make it so much easier for him to find fault with Luo Binghe. So much easier to beat the mistakes out of him.

“No, no, that won’t work. That won’t work yet,” Shen Qingqiu whispers miserably, hugging the pillow even tighter. “Binghe doesn’t know I’m not Shen Jiu anymore. He doesn’t know he doesn’t need to be scared anymore.”

Shen Jiu? Who is Shen Jiu?

“This disciple will do as Shizun asks,” Luo Binghe says, unable to think of anything else. He gets to his feet and bows, then leaves the bedroom before his shizun can utter another word. The sobbing starts again even before he closes the door.

“Shizhi,” Yue Qingyuan greets in the entrance hall, motioning for Luo Binghe to follow him to his shizun’s sitting room. It feels rude to sit down at the table with Yue Qingyuan and not offer tea, but Luo Binghe doesn’t think he should leave.

“Zhangmen-shibo, what happened?” he asks when Yue Qingyuan can’t seem to decide how to start.

“Shen-shidi has experienced a qi deviation. It triggered a seizure just as Mu-shidi was able to stabilize him. We…” Yue Qingyuan pauses, swallowing, and his gaze drifts back to the hall. “His recovery may be far more lengthy than we assumed.”

Shen Qingqiu has always been prone to qi deviations. That’s a well known fact that no one really talks about even though everyone knows. But a qi deviation doing this? Luo Binghe’s never heard of it.

“Who is Shen Jiu?” he asks and Yue Qingyuan looks like he’s been struck.

“That… It was Shen Qingqiu’s birth name.”

Luo Binghe winces at his unintentional rudeness, but still reports,“He said he isn’t Shen Jiu anymore.”

Yue Qingyuan’s brows furrow, worry and a pain Luo Binghe can’t understand warring on his face. “He hasn’t been Shen Jiu for decades now.”

Except, Luo Binghe doesn’t think that’s what Shen Qingqiu meant. What he did mean, Luo Binghe hasn’t figured out yet.

Begging Shizun’s forgiveness, for this disciple is stupid and doesn’t understand.

“He asked that this disciple move into the side room of this house,” he says, still reeling a little about that. From the cold and dirt of the woodshed to a splendid place like this? It seems unreal.

“...He called for you while delirious…” Yue Qingyuan’s gaze is far away and Luo Binghe doesn’t think he meant to say anything. Called for him? Why would Shen Qingqiu, stripped to his base thoughts and feelings in delirium, call for someone like Luo Binghe? Yue Qingyuan refocuses after a few moments, his posture straightening. “Shizhi will move into the side room. He will personally attend to Shen-shidi during his recovery.”

“Yes, Zhangmen-shibo.”

“Shizhi will send daily reports to me regarding Shen-shidi’s condition.”

“Yes, Zhangmen-shibo.”

Looking back to the hall, farther still towards Shen Qingqiu’s room, Yue Qingyuan nods to himself and rises to his feet. “Mu-shidi will visit periodically to check on his condition.”

And then he leaves, walking quickly as if to keep from being held back. Luo Binghe stays in the sitting room for a long time, working through everything he’s been told and the dozens of questions that have no answers yet.

It doesn’t take long to move his things into the side room. He doesn’t own much. When he checks on Shen Qingqiu, he finds that his shizun cried himself to sleep. The utter misery Luo Binghe witnessed before is still clear on Shen Qingqiu’s pale face. Luo Binghe doesn’t wake him. He goes and cleans the entire house instead.

For the next several days, Shen Qingqiu does nothing but lay in bed and cry. He barely touches the meals Luo Binghe dutifully makes for him, but sometimes he’s taken a few bites when Luo Binghe returns to fetch the tray. That’s enough to hope.

With nothing better to occupy his time, Luo Binghe keeps the entire house perfectly clean and reorganizes Shen Qingqiu’s collection of fans. The bookcases are next, then the office, then Shen Qingqiu’s wardrobe. He runs out of things to tidy before Shen Qingqiu runs out of tears to shed.

In the evenings, Luo Binghe takes to sitting on the floor of the bedroom while he studies his cultivation manual. The sprawling metaphors and awkward illustrations make it slow going and Luo Binghe has to read passages several times to have any hope of understanding it. He’s still learning to read and so many of the characters the manual uses don’t appear anywhere in the study materials he was given.

“Throw that out,” Shen Qingqiu says one night. Luo Binghe startles, looking up to find his shizun staring at him from the bed. He’s still hugging the pillow, still laying down, but he’d turned over to face Luo Binghe just to say that?

“What?”

“The manual. Throw it out.”

“But… but Shizun, how will this disciple ever stop disappointing you if he doesn’t study?”

That’s the wrong thing to say. Luo Binghe expects to be struck. What actually happens is so much worse. Shen Qingqiu stares at him and his eyes grow wet again before he buries his face against the pillow.

“Binghe has never disappointed me,” he sobs, half muffled. “He will never disappoint me. Binghe has done nothing wrong.”

Luo Binghe’s heart clenches and soars at the same time.

“But he needs a new manual,” Shen Qingqiu continues. “That one’s fake. He’ll permanently stunt his cultivation at best and kill himself at worst if he keeps trying to learn from it.”

What? Luo Binghe looks down at his manual, stunned. “Fake?”

“He was trying to kill you.”

What? That’s… But Luo Binghe can’t even say it hadn’t felt like his shizun wanted him gone permanently. “But Shizun gave it-”

“He was trying to fucking kill you,” Shen Qingqiu says, vicious enough that Luo Binghe goes still and tense from instinct alone. “He hated you.”

“Shizun-” Luo Binghe whispers.

“Don’t call me that! Don’t ever call me that again! Not after all the times I failed you! I’m not- I can’t be- oh, fuck Shen Qingqiu to death. Child abusing bastard. Waste of fucking space.”

The way his shizun talks about himself sometimes is almost like he’s talking about someone entirely different than himself. It’s… fascinating to hear. It’s also worrying in a completely different way than before. The vulgarity alone makes Luo Binghe want to run for Mu Qingfang or Yue Qingyuan. He’s so incredibly out of his depth.

“How should this disciple refer to you instead?” he asks, cautious.

There’s no answer at first, no movement from the bed, but before Binghe can worry that Shen Qingqiu has fallen back to sleep, green eyes peek out from the top of the pillow.

“Yuan,” he says, soft like it’s a secret between them. “Shen Yuan.”

Binghe doesn’t know I’m not Shen Jiu anymore.

He’ll talk with Yue Qingyuan about what that means later. For now, Luo Binghe just nods.

“Yes, Shi- Shen-… Shifu?” he tries and Shen Yuan doesn’t yell at him for it. He doesn’t look entirely happy either, but it seems he’s willing to accept that better than Shizun.

“I don’t want to pretend to be him anymore,” Shen Yuan says, hiding his eyes again. “I’m so tired of pretending to be him. Do you know how many times I’ve had to get OOC unlocked just so I can stop people from beating you? Because he was such a fucking ass about everything. Grown man jealous of a child.”

Luo Binghe has no idea what he’s talking about, but his chest goes tight again at the very idea that his shizun would want the others to stop hurting him. That he would care enough to stop it. It makes him wonder if Shen Yuan might not beat him, either.

“And then there’s the fucking abyss and I’m not doing it again. I can’t do it again. Binghe, I promise, I won’t do it again. I’ll die first.”

“Yes, Shifu,” Luo Binghe says. What does he mean by abyss? What abyss? And what does it have to do with Luo Binghe?

“I won’t do it,” Shen Yuan whispers, over and over. It doesn’t stop until he’s asleep again, no matter what Luo Binghe tries to do to soothe him.

The report he sends to Yue Qingyuan that day is not comprehensive. He lists the name Shen Yuan wishes to be called, that he was again agitated and maudlin, and that there had not been improvement. The last one, Luo Binghe isn’t entirely sure of because even if he lapsed back quickly, for a little while, his shizun was paying attention.

Luo Binghe fetches a new cultivation novel and after only comparing a few pages, he throws the old one out. It really is a fake.

The next day is better. Shen Yuan eats the breakfast Luo Binghe brings him and seems a bit more aware. Instead of crying and muttering to himself, he stares at the windows or at Luo Binghe with a thoughtful intensity.

“Binghe,” he calls finally.

“Yes, Shifu?”

“I told Binghe my name.”

Luo Binghe pauses. Is- is Shen Yuan asking to be called by name? How could he possibly do that with his shizun?! The sheer rudeness-

“I told Binghe my name and it didn’t stop me,” Shen Yuan says, his eyes growing wider with something akin to mania. Oh no.

“Shifu-” Luo Binghe says, getting himself ready to handle his possibly insensible master.

“Don’t you get what that means?! I can tell you other things! I can make sure Binghe is ready for everything!”

“Shifu should calm himself,” Luo Binghe tries, wishing he’d made tea he could serve to his ailing shizun if only to distract him. “He can tell this disciple whatever he likes-”

“Yes! Yes, I can!” And then Shen Yuan breaks into a dazzling smile that takes Luo Binghe’s breath away. He’s so stunned that he doesn’t dodge when Shen Yuan stumbles off the bed and grabs him by the shoulders. “Binghe. I’m- oh, it’s going to be so much better this time, I promise it will. I’m-”

He laughs, half hysterical, and his eyes are wet again. “I can protect Binghe this time.”

The sentiment hurts in the best of ways. Luo Binghe shivers as Shen Yuan’s hands slide up his neck to cup his cheeks. Then his shizun kisses him on the forehead and it makes him want to cry, too.

“I can protect Binghe this time,” Shen Yuan whispers and Luo Binghe, with all his heart, wants him to. The sweet affection ends too soon as Shen Yuan sits down on the bed, his expression going more serious. “Okay. Okay, first off. Next year? There’s going to be an attack.”

“What kind of attack?”

“Demons. They’ll come up through Qiong Ding and destroy the rainbow bridges-” Shen Yuan flinches, reaching up to grab his head. “No, no, no, don’t you fucking dare stop me now, not when I’ve already-”

He jerks his head back up to stare at Luo Binghe with that crazed glint again. “The demons- Sha Hualing will have you all do three matches and- fuck, fuck, fuck you, I’m not stopping now!”

That’s when Luo Binghe notices a bead of red start to drip from his shizun’s nose.

“You have to win it! And then they’ll go away and- and fuck, what’s next- Doesn’t matter. None of it matters until the Immortal Alliance Conference.”

The bead falls down Shen Yuan’s lips and then the bleed worsens. Luo Binghe scrambles to drag out his handkerchief to help stem the flow.

“Shifu-” he says urgently, but Shen Yuan isn’t listening.

“You have to- fuck, fuck, fuck- Binghe, promise me. Promise me you won’t go to the conference-”

To Luo Binghe’s growing horror, blood begins to drip from his eyes next and then his ears. He tries to make Shen Yuan stop but he keeps babbling anyway.

“Your seal can’t break then!” Shen Yuan says and grabs up Luo Binghe’s face again, staring with all possible intensity into Luo Binghe’s eyes. “They can’t know- you have to let it happen naturally-”

“Seal?” Luo Binghe asks helplessly.

“It’s okay. It’ll be okay, I promise, just listen to me.” Shen Yuan drags Luo Binghe in until their foreheads press to one another. “This master is going to save Binghe this time. He won’t misunderstand him or think badly of him or-”

Shen Yuan shudders and then starts collapsing. It’s all Luo Binghe can do to get him on the bed again where his blood is still flowing from so many places and staining the sheets. The look in Shen Yuan’s eyes is getting terribly vacant and his breathing is thready and weak.

“Binghe,” he sobs out, the blood from his eyes thinning as it mixes with his tears. “Binghe, I love you. I’ve always loved you, even before I met you. Please, please, don’t ever think that you’re not deserving of love because I-”

An awful choking sound spills out next as Shen Yuan’s eyes roll back and his body begins to seize violently enough that the bed knocks hard against the wall. It’s only seconds and then he’s still and he’s not breathing. Luo Binghe takes only a moment to scream out for Ming Fan before he starts trying to revive Shen Yuan.

It doesn’t work. When Mu Qingfang arrives, he solemnly commends Luo Binghe for his efforts, but there was nothing to be done. Shen Qingqiu, Shen Yuan, is gone.

In the years that follow, Shen Yuan’s dark warnings bear fruit. The demon attack wipes out half of the Qiong Ding disciples and dozens from other peaks before the returning peak lords are able to drive off the invasion. When a dream demon invades Luo Binghe’s mind, his demon lineage is revealed, as well as the seal keeping it at bay.

He doesn’t go to the Immortal Alliance Conference.

The life of a rogue cultivator is difficult in a different way than Qing Jing had been. Luo Binghe adjusts to it quickly enough. He travels the world, helping where he can and learning greater secrets than he’d ever dreamed of before. His seal breaks slowly, gently, giving him plenty of time to get used to his demonic qi and learn to hide it. Meng Mo, obstinate though he is, turns out to be a passable teacher.

When he eventually decides to go to the demon realm, it doesn’t agree with him very much. The chaos, the infighting, the lack of general purpose. His shizun would have hated it. If no one else is going to make sense of it all, Luo Binghe might as well.

The demon realm falls to his rule with surprising ease.

One day, dozens of wives and plenty of murders later, Luo Binghe is finished with life and takes himself out with no plans left for any successors. Let everyone else figure it out for themselves.

Chapter Text

When Luo Binghe is fourteen years old, his shizun suffers a terrible qi deviation and fever that completely changes who he is. The abusive tyrant is instead replaced by an angry lunatic bent on screaming obscenities and warnings of dangers to come.

Shen Qingqiu is locked away somewhere on Qiong Ding to recover his mind, but never is seen in public again. Rumor has it that he died but the way in which it happened changes in every telling.

Without Shen Qingqiu to lead Qing Jing, the other peak lords take turns covering for him until it becomes clear he isn’t coming back. They can’t leave his disciples the way they are, so the couple dozen young men and women are divided up between the other peaks where their talents and interests will fit best.

Luo Binghe decides to find a place on An Ding. The other peaks could bring him to greatness, but… more than anything, he just wants to be useful. Shang Qinghua is an odd, nervous man who seems to have a dozen different thoughts at once, but he takes care of his disciples. Luo Binghe never gets strung up and whipped again.

Years later, when Luo Binghe’s seal breaks during an escort mission gone terribly wrong and he’s revealed as a demon, Shang Qinghua leads him to the cold, unforgiving north of the demon realm to meet Mobei-jun.

By the time Luo Binghe decides to leave the world, he’s outlived Shang Qinghua and his king both, taken the crown for himself as Mobei-jun’s adopted son and heir, and led the northern kingdom through a successful campaign to unify the realm under one banner.

One day, after a dozen wives and far more children, Luo Binghe takes himself out and leaves the empire he carved out in the hands of his most intelligent son.

When Luo Binghe is fourteen years old, his shizun suffers a terrible qi deviation and fever that completely changes who he is. The abusive tyrant is instead replaced by a strange man who may just be a little cracked in the head.

Without any explanation, Shen Qingqiu names Luo Binghe his heir and moves him into the bamboo house. He begins personally training Luo Binghe in all the things he will one day need for this lofty honor, but never explains his choice. All Luo Binghe and anyone else can think is that the qi deviation caused some kind of damage that fundamentally changed Shen Qingqiu’s mind. Whether it’s for the better or not is debatable.

The peak runs smoothly between the two of them. Luo Binghe is pushed hard between his duties as heir and the martial training Shen Qingqiu personally instructs him in. Leadership comes naturally to Luo Binghe and he appreciates the challenge of proving himself fit for the honor. More than that, he appreciates his new life directly under Shen Qingqiu. Sometimes, when his shizun looks at him, Luo Binghe feels seen in a way he never thought possible. He’ll take Shen Qingqiu’s oddities any day to keep that.

Luo Binghe studies hard, memorizing the books of monsters and flora Shen Qingqiu assigns him. One of the books was even written by Shizun and Luo Binghe rereads it over and over and over. His beautiful Shizun, precious beyond words. As soon as he’s hit his majority, Luo Binghe vows to marry this man.

The years he spends living in the bamboo house, taking care of his shizun, are absolutely his best in memory. Every time his shizun compliments his cooking, every time he allows Luo Binghe to do his hair, every time he smiles, Luo Binghe feels weak and falls even more hopelessly in love. He prays it never ends.

And then the Immortal Alliance Conference happens and Luo Binghe’s demonic nature is revealed to his shizun. He expects to be killed on the spot, like the invading demons from years ago had been, but Shen Qingqiu barely seems to notice.

“Binghe isn’t safe here,” Shen Qingqiu says as he presses Xiu Ya into Luo Binghe’s hands along with three full qiankun bags. “He must go into the abyss and train to master his demonic qi. He must return to me as soon as he escapes it.”

And then his shizun pushes Luo Binghe into the Endless Abyss. It takes him weeks to realize Shen Qingqiu must have had some inkling that this was coming, considering all of the training and supplies. So many pitfalls Luo Binghe side steps simply because he recognizes a specific flower or animal or fighting technique.

Luo Binghe vows to make his shizun proud. When he gets out of the Abyss, he puts the entire demon realm under his heel. The north falls quickly once he defeats Mobei Jun and then Luo Binghe turns his sights on the south. Without a central leader, it takes far longer to quell the various demon tribes and cities through a mix of diplomacy and sheer strength. That victory propels him back into the human realm and he thinks now he’ll return to his shizun at last in glory.

He finds out Shen Qingqiu is on trial for murder and abuse charges. The verdict has already been made by the time he gets to Huan Hua and his shizun is to be imprisoned for life in the water prison. Luo Binghe cons his way in, figuring this is as good an opportunity to get answers about his shizun’s actions as he’ll ever get.

Before he can even open his mouth, Shen Qingqiu tells him how proud he is. That he knew Luo Binghe would prevail. It’s so much better than Luo Binghe ever imagined and he proposes marriage in an instant. Shen Qingqiu accepts without hesitation or surprise, only a soft smile that’s soon overtaken by Luo Binghe’s lips on his.

Lao Gongzhu and several Huan Hua disciples descend upon them in minutes with cries of betrayal and collusion as if they’d been laying in wait for this moment. There’s nothing either Luo Binghe nor Shen Qingqiu can say to change their minds. As frustration and anger build within Luo Binghe, Xin Mo sees its chance and Luo Binghe loses his control.

Shen Qingqiu wraps his arms around Luo Binghe and whispers, “I’ll keep trying.”

Then he self-destructs. He says Luo Binghe’s name once more and he’s gone.

Luo Binghe tries everything to bring him back to life but nothing works. After six years, his father is revived, steals Xin Mo, and decides to merge the realms into one. Luo Binghe has been alone and hurting and hopeless for so long. He doesn’t have the strength to stop him and doesn’t even want to. This world his master so loved holds nothing for him anymore.

Luo Binghe doesn’t survive that and neither does most of humanity.

When Luo Binghe is fourteen years old, his shizun suffers a terrible qi deviation and fever that completely changes who he is. The abusive tyrant is instead replaced by a hurried man who doesn’t seem to notice his incidental kindness. He’s far too busy to ever dwell on it.

Though strict, he shows great care for all of the disciples and crafts personal improvement plans for every one of them, including Luo Binghe. For some reason, Shen Qingqiu arranges for Luo Binghe to visit Qiong Ding Peak and shadow Yue Qingyuan in his dealings with sect leadership a few times a week. While Luo Binghe has mixed feelings about the sect leader, having noticed Yue Qingyuan’s interest in his shizun, he has to admit that the intricacies of leadership and politics of inter-sect relations is fascinating. Idly, he wonders if this is a sign that Shen Qingqiu might have decided to name him heir to Qing Jing Peak.

Along with that, Shen Qingqiu arranges for Luo Binghe to train personally with Liu Qingge. Luo Binghe doesn’t necessarily like Liu Qingge, but he does his best to ignore the jealousy he feels every time Shen Qingqiu gives Liu Qingge a kind look or a pat on the arm or anything at all. The only saving grace is that Shen Qingqiu doesn’t seem to notice Liu Qingge’s non-platonic interest.

Luo Binghe studies hard, memorizing the books of monsters and flora Shen Qingqiu assigns him. One of the books was even written by Shizun and Luo Binghe rereads it over and over and over. His beautiful Shizun, precious beyond words. As soon as he’s hit his majority, Luo Binghe vows to marry this man.

The years he spends living in the bamboo house, taking care of his shizun, are absolutely his best in memory. Every time his shizun compliments his cooking, every time he allows Luo Binghe to do his hair, every time he smiles, Luo Binghe feels weak and falls even more hopelessly in love. He prays it never ends.

And then the Immortal Alliance Conference comes. Shen Qingqiu stays behind to settle some last minute things while the others go on, only Luo Binghe remaining at his side.

“We’re not going,” Shen Qingqiu says, in the tone that means there will be no explanation at all. Luo Binghe nods, hiding how disappointed he feels. His disappointment morphs into confusion as Shen Qingqiu pushes a full qiankun bag into his hands and leads him off the peak.

Every few steps, Shen Qingqiu flinches and jerks his head as if he’s in pain. Nothing Luo Binghe says convinces him to share in whatever’s causing his agitation. They travel for a full day before stopping at an inn.

“Binghe must promise me,” Shen Qingqiu says quietly as Luo Binghe is taking down his hair. “No matter what happens, he will live on and have the happy life this master has always wanted for him.”

His words do nothing for the worry Luo Binghe has had building all day, but he agrees. How could he not be happy when his shizun is at his side?

But in the morning, when he comes to wake Shen Qingqiu, his shizun is still and cold. Nothing an increasingly hysterical Luo Binghe does is enough to revive him. As he pushes more and more qi into Shen Qingqiu’s body, a great emptiness spreads within him. Meng Mo screams in Luo Binghe’s mind, but Luo Binghe pushes and pushes and pushes.

Shen Qingqiu doesn’t wake. The promise between them becomes meaningless.

Luo Binghe doesn’t survive this.

When Luo Binghe is fourteen years old, his shizun suffers a terrible qi deviation and fever that completely changes who he is. The abusive tyrant is instead replaced by a hurried man who doesn’t seem to notice his incidental kindness. He’s far too busy to ever dwell on it.

Though strict, he shows great care for all of the disciples and crafts personal improvement plans for every one of them, including Luo Binghe. For some reason, Shen Qingqiu arranges for Luo Binghe to visit Qiong Ding Peak and shadow Yue Qingyuan in his dealings with sect leadership a few times a week. While Luo Binghe has mixed feelings about the sect leader, having noticed Yue Qingyuan’s interest in his shizun, he has to admit that the intricacies of leadership and politics of inter-sect relations is fascinating. Idly, he wonders if this is a sign that Shen Qingqiu might have decided to name him heir to Qing Jing Peak.

Along with that, Shen Qingqiu arranges for Luo Binghe to train personally with Liu Qingge. Luo Binghe doesn’t necessarily like Liu Qingge, but he does his best to ignore the jealousy he feels every time Shen Qingqiu gives Liu Qingge a kind look or a pat on the arm or anything at all. The only saving grace is that Shen Qingqiu doesn’t seem to notice Liu Qingge’s non-platonic interest.

Luo Binghe studies hard, memorizing the books of monsters and flora Shen Qingqiu assigns him. One of the books was even written by Shizun and Luo Binghe rereads it over and over and over. His beautiful Shizun, precious beyond words. As soon as he’s hit his majority, Luo Binghe vows to marry this man.

The years he spends living in the bamboo house, taking care of his shizun, are absolutely his best in memory. Every time his shizun compliments his cooking, every time he allows Luo Binghe to do his hair, every time he smiles, Luo Binghe feels weak and falls even more hopelessly in love. He prays it never ends.

A few weeks before the Immortal Alliance Conference, Shen Qingqiu becomes more agitated and preoccupied. He frequently forgets himself in the middle of talking, one thought or another distracting him. He mutters to himself more and disappears for hours with no one sure of his location. There’s never an explanation for it.

The night before it begins, Shen Qingqiu doesn’t sleep and instead spends his time writing letters. There’s a letter for several peak lords and every Qing Jing disciple, save Luo Binghe. Shen Qingqiu doesn’t tell him why. He leaves the stack sitting neat and tidy on his desk. The letter for Yue Qingyuan is set aside from the rest.

And then the Immortal Alliance Conference happens and Luo Binghe’s demonic nature is revealed to his shizun. He expects to be killed on the spot, like the invading demons from years ago had been, but Shen Qingqiu barely seems to notice.

“Binghe isn’t safe here,” Shen Qingqiu says as he presses a full qiankun bag into Luo Binghe’s hands. “He must go into the abyss and train to master his demonic qi.”

“Shizun-”

Taking Luo Binghe’s face into his hands, Shen Qingqiu kisses the demon seal on his forehead and says, “This master will not make him go alone.”

They jump into the Endless Abyss together on Shen Qingqiu’s sword.

It takes him weeks to realize Shen Qingqiu must have had some inkling that this was coming, considering all of the training. So many pitfalls Luo Binghe side steps simply because he recognizes a specific flower or animal or fighting technique. That training doesn’t end when they enter the abyss, either. Shen Qingqiu is a relentless taskmaster.

The first time Luo Binghe kisses Shen Qingqiu, he’s not quite nineteen and they’ve just killed a vast beast with far too many slimy tentacles. They’re filthy and the last of Luo Binghe’s original uniform is fit for nothing but burning to fuel the night’s fire. Shen Qingqiu’s is similarly ruined. There’s a bleeding cut on his cheek, dirt ground into his hair, and yet, he has never been more beautiful. Luo Binghe can’t control himself but when Shen Qingqiu kisses him back like he’s been starved for Luo Binghe’s affection, it doesn’t seem to matter anyway.

Without his usual medicines and teas to control it, Without-A-Cure remains an issue. Luo Binghe clears his shizun’s meridians daily to stop the relentless push of it through Shen Qingqiu’s body. Sometimes, Shen Qingqiu says something or another that makes it seem like he knows how to cure himself, but then he’ll look at Luo Binghe and say no more on the subject.

It takes two years for them to find Xin Mo, but Shen Qingqiu doesn’t let them leave the Abyss yet. He spends another year helping Luo Binghe learn to control it, learn to handle the whispers and urges it inspires in him. His yearning for his shizun becomes almost unbearable.

The night they get out of the abyss and into the demon realm, after a truly luxurious bath and new clothes with not a tear between them, Luo Binghe cures Shen Qingqiu of Without-A-Cure at last because Shen Qingqiu says his first time should be special. Luo Binghe thinks he’d rather have done this a lot sooner and saved his shizun a lot of hardship.

As they lay together in the afterglow, Shen Qingqiu quietly asks to be infected with Luo Binghe’s blood parasites, giving him the ability to always know where his shizun is, and calls it a wedding present. The tears this inspires don’t stop for a long time after.

Everything seems to be falling into place. Luo Binghe couldn’t love Shen Qingqiu more than he does now and the feeling is mutual. Everytime his shizun looks at him, Luo Binghe is filled with only warmth and happiness.

And then one day, Shen Qingqiu doesn’t return from an errand. Luo Binghe only waits half an hour before tearing after him. The blood parasites confirm Shen Qingqiu is still alive and lead Luo Binghe right to him. He has only a moment to understand what he’s seeing before Linguang-jun tears a severely beaten Shen Qingqiu’s golden core from his body and crushes it. Linguang-jun is dead before Shen Qingqiu’s body starts to fall and Luo Binghe catches him.

“How could even this not be enough?” Shen Qingqiu asks, the light fading from his eyes as Luo Binghe sobs and tries to save him. He fails.

Luo Binghe doesn’t survive this and neither does the demon realm.

When Luo Binghe is fourteen years old, his shizun suffers a terrible qi deviation and fever that completely changes who he is. The abusive tyrant is instead replaced by a lunatic.

The door to the woodshed is torn open and Luo Binghe painfully starts pulling himself up. Then Shen Qingqiu drops to his knees to help steady him, hands so kind he seems like an entirely different person. He’s still in his thin sleeping robes and barefoot, like he’d run from the bamboo house with too much urgency to bother stopping for anything.

“Binghe,” he says in a voice tight with emotion, taking Luo Binghe’s face in his hands and then kissing his forehead. “Binghe, I keep messing it up. I keep failing, no matter what I do.”

Luo Binghe has no idea what he’s talking about. He stares at the man that looks like his cruel master and yet cannot be. There’s no way Shen Qingqiu would look at him so tenderly.

“I’m still trying,” Shen Qingqiu says, pressing his forehead to Luo Binghe’s as his eyes grow wet. “I promise, I’m still trying. Not like it’s giving me any fucking choice in the matter, but…”

“It?” Luo Binghe asks, no less confused.

“The Sys-” Shen Qingqiu gasps, jerking back with obvious pain as blood starts pouring from his nose. “The- the system!”

That’s when Yue Qingyuan finds them and starts dragging Shen Qingqiu out of the woodshed. The illness has taken most of Shen Qingqiu’s strength and he seems to be becoming even more delirious.

“No, no, no,” he moans out. “Please, Binghe, please listen-!”

“Shidi needs rest,” Yue Qingyuan says, but Shen Qingqiu keeps fighting his hold, keeps trying to get back to Luo Binghe’s side.

“There has to be a way out of this! Binghe, please, you’re the…”

And then he’s out of range and Luo Binghe hears nothing more. The next time he hears anything, it’s Mu Qingfang informing them that Shen Qingqiu has died, taking his secrets with him. Luo Binghe never learns what he meant by the “system”.

Without Shen Qingqiu to lead Qing Jing, the other peak lords take turns covering for him until it becomes clear he isn’t coming back. They can’t leave his disciples the way they are, so the couple dozen young men and women are divided up between the other peaks where their talents and interests will fit best.

Luo Binghe decides to find a place on An Ding. The other peaks could bring him to greatness, but… more than anything, he just wants to be useful. Shang Qinghua is an odd, nervous man who seems to have a dozen different thoughts at once, but he takes care of his disciples. Luo Binghe never gets strung up and whipped again.

Sometimes, he thinks about his old shizun’s rantings and wonders what might have happened if he lived.

Years later, when Luo Binghe’s seal breaks during an escort mission gone terribly wrong and he’s revealed as a demon, Shang Qinghua leads him to the cold, unforgiving north of the demon realm to meet Mobei-jun.

By the time Luo Binghe decides to leave the world, he’s outlived Shang Qinghua and his king both, taken the crown for himself as Mobei-jun’s adopted son and heir, and led the northern kingdom through a successful campaign to unify the realm under one banner.

One day, after a dozen wives and far more children, Luo Binghe takes himself out and leaves the empire he carved out in the hands of his most intelligent son.

When Luo Binghe is fourteen years old, his shizun suffers a terrible qi deviation and fever that completely changes who he is. The abusive tyrant is instead replaced by a lunatic.

The door to the woodshed is torn open and Luo Binghe painfully starts pulling himself up. Then Shen Qingqiu drops to his knees to help steady him, hands so kind, he seems like an entirely different person. He’s still in his thin sleeping robes and barefoot, like he’d run from the bamboo house with too much urgency to bother stopping for anything.

“Binghe,” he says in a voice tight with emotion, taking Luo Binghe’s face in his hands and then kissing his forehead. “It’s a time loop. It keeps going again and again and I change things but not the right things and I just-”

Shen Qingqiu breaks off and presses his forehead to Luo Binghe’s. “Please, there has to be a way for you to remember, too. I need that big protagonist brain of yours to-”

He gasps, jerking back with obvious pain as blood starts pouring from his nose.

“Sh-shizun,” Luo Binghe utters in horror, unable to act as Shen Qingqiu shakes before him.

“No, no, no, not yet! You can’t have me yet!” Shen Qingqiu snarls at nothing before staring at Luo Binghe with so much desperation in his face, the nosebleed only getting worse. “Please, if nothing else-hnngh…If nothing else- just- fuck-”

That’s when Yue Qingyuan finds them and starts dragging Shen Qingqiu out of the woodshed. The illness has taken most of Shen Qingqiu’s strength and he seems to be becoming even more delirious.

“No, no, no,” he moans out. “Please, Binghe, please listen-!”

“Shidi needs rest,” Yue Qingyuan says, but Shen Qingqiu keeps fighting his hold, keeps trying to get back to Luo Binghe’s side.

“There has to be a way! Binghe, please, you’re the protagonist, you can…”

And then he’s out of range and Luo Binghe hears nothing more. The next time he hears anything, it’s Mu Qingfang informing them that Shen Qingqiu has died, taking his secrets with him. Luo Binghe never learns what he meant by any of his rantings.

Without Shen Qingqiu to lead Qing Jing, the other peak lords take turns covering for him until it becomes clear he isn’t coming back. They can’t leave his disciples the way they are, so the couple dozen young men and women are divided up between the other peaks where their talents and interests will fit best.

Luo Binghe decides to find a place on An Ding. The other peaks could bring him to greatness, but… more than anything, he just wants to be useful. Shang Qinghua is an odd, nervous man who seems to have a dozen different thoughts at once, but he takes care of his disciples. Luo Binghe never gets strung up and whipped again.

Years later, when Luo Binghe’s seal breaks during an escort mission gone terribly wrong and he’s revealed as a demon, Shang Qinghua leads him to the cold, unforgiving north of the demon realm to meet Mobei-jun.

By the time Luo Binghe decides to leave the world, he’s outlived Shang Qinghua and his king both, taken the crown for himself as Mobei-jun’s adopted son and heir, and led the northern kingdom through a successful campaign to unify the realm under one banner.

Just before he takes himself out, Luo Binghe has a sudden flash of memory: his delirious master, begging and bleeding and trying to make him understand something insane. Luo Binghe can’t remember everything Shen Qingqiu said, but he thinks… He thinks maybe there’s a way for him to try again in their next life.

It takes years for Luo Binghe to find the artifact he needs, the one that will imbue his next life with remnants of this one. He wonders what it might mean for the next him and then uses the artifact anyway.

After dozens of wives and far more children, Luo Binghe takes himself out and leaves the empire he carved out in the hands of his most intelligent son.

Chapter Text

When Luo Binghe is fourteen years old, his shizun suffers a terrible qi deviation and fever that completely changes who he is. The abusive tyrant is instead replaced by a man who can in no way function as a peak lord anymore.

No one is allowed in the bamboo house except the sect leader and Mu Qingfang. Not even Ming Fan for cleaning or meals. Day after day, the two peak lords go in and out, looking more and more grim every time.

After nearly two weeks of this with no news given, something changes. Yue Qingyuan stops Luo Binghe on his way to clean the dormitories, a strange look on his face that Luo Binghe has no hope of reading.

“Your shizun is calling for you,” he says and bids Luo Binghe to follow him into the bamboo house.

He holds open the door, waiting expectantly for Luo Binghe to enter. The bamboo house has never felt so unwelcoming as it does now, dark and unkempt. Luo Binghe itches to clean the gathered dust and straighten up things left out forgotten. Instead, he follows Yue Qingyuan into the bedroom.

Shen Qingqiu lays still on the bed, his back turned toward the door and a pillow hugged to his chest. His dark hair is tangled and forgotten, his skin is sickly pale. He doesn’t acknowledge them, nor answers when Yue Qingyuan calls for him. Frowning with obvious worry, Yue Qingyuan gestures for Luo Binghe to come forward.

Luo Binghe steps gingerly up to the bed, takes a breath, and then says, “Shizun?”

There is an immediate change. Shen Qingqiu stiffens, clutching the pillow tighter to his chest like it’s something precious they might take from him. He presses his face to it, muffling a quiet, upset noise as he curls his whole body further around it.

“Luo-shizhi has come to visit Shidi,” Yue Qingyuan says. He sounds tired, just a hint of desperation at the edge of his voice. “Perhaps Shidi would like to speak with him.”

“It won’t change anything even if I did,” Shen Qingqiu says, hugging the pillow tighter. “It never changes anything. Over and over and… There’s no point. This is just punishment and it will never end.”

Luo Binghe glances up at Yue Qingyuan, but he doesn’t seem to understand what Shen Qingqiu means any more than Luo Binghe does. Is… Has the illness unlocked some kind of past memory that Shen Qingqiu is mistaking for the present?

Shen Qingqiu says nothing more, nor does he lift his head. After several minutes of unsuccessful needling, Yue Qingyuan leads Luo Binghe back out of the bedroom. They go to Shen Qingqiu’s sitting room. It feels rude to sit down at the table with Yue Qingyuan and not offer tea, but Luo Binghe doesn’t think he should leave.

“Zhangmen-shibo, what happened?” he asks when Yue Qingyuan can’t seem to decide how to start.

“Shen-shidi has experienced a qi deviation. It triggered a seizure just as Mu-shidi was able to stabilize him. We…” Yue Qingyuan pauses, swallowing, and his gaze drifts back to the hall. “His recovery may be far more lengthy than we assumed.”

Shen Qingqiu has always been prone to qi deviations. That’s a well known fact that no one really talks about even though everyone knows. But a qi deviation doing this? Luo Binghe’s never heard of it.

“...He called for you while delirious…” Yue Qingyuan’s gaze is far away and Luo Binghe doesn’t think he meant to say anything. Called for him? Why would Shen Qingqiu, stripped to his base thoughts and feelings in delirium, call for someone like Luo Binghe? Yue Qingyuan refocuses after a few moments, his posture straightening. “Shizhi will move into the side room. He will personally attend to Shen-shidi during his recovery.”

Luo Binghe reels a bit at that, but it isn’t a request. “Yes, Zhangmen-shibo.”

“Shizhi will send daily reports to me regarding Shen-shidi’s condition.”

“Yes, Zhangmen-shibo.”

Looking back to the hall, farther still towards Shen Qingqiu’s room, Yue Qingyuan nods to himself and rises to his feet. “Mu-shidi will visit periodically to check on his condition.”

And then he leaves, walking quickly as if to keep from being held back. Luo Binghe stays in the sitting room for a long time, working through everything he’s seen and been told. Living here with his shizun… Luo Binghe will obey of course, but he can’t escape the trepidation that staying in close quarters with Shen Qingqiu inspires in him.

It doesn’t take long to move his things into the side room. He doesn’t own much. When he checks on Shen Qingqiu, he finds that his shizun has drifted to sleep. From what little of his face Luo Binghe can see, he doubts Shen Qingqiu’s dreams are pleasant. Luo Binghe doesn’t wake him. He goes and cleans the entire house instead.

For the next several days, Shen Qingqiu does nothing but lay in bed and mutter to himself. He barely touches the meals Luo Binghe dutifully makes for him, but sometimes he’s taken a few bites when Luo Binghe returns to fetch the tray. That’s enough to hope.

With nothing better to occupy his time, Luo Binghe keeps the entire house perfectly clean and reorganizes Shen Qingqiu’s collection of fans. The bookcases are next, then the office, then Shen Qingqiu’s wardrobe. He runs out of things to tidy before Shen Qingqiu grows tired of the silence between them.

In the evenings, Luo Binghe takes to sitting on the floor of the bedroom while he studies his cultivation manual. The sprawling metaphors and awkward illustrations make it slow going and Luo Binghe has to read passages several times to have any hope of understanding it. He’s still learning to read and so many of the characters the manual uses don’t appear anywhere in the study materials he was given.

“Throw that out,” Shen Qingqiu says one night. Luo Binghe startles, looking up at his shizun’s back. “It’s a fake. You’ll stunt your cultivation if you keep trying to learn from it.”

“What? But… but Shizun, how will this disciple ever stop disappointing you if he doesn’t study?”

“Binghe has never disappointed me,” Shen Qingqiu says with great fatigue. “He will never disappoint me. Binghe has done nothing wrong.”

Luo Binghe’s heart clenches and soars at the same time.

“But he needs a new manual,” his shizun continues. “Go to the quartermaster and change it out.”

“Yes, Shizun.”

Luo Binghe fetches a new cultivation novel and after only comparing a few pages, he throws the old one out. It really is a fake.

The next day is better. Shen Qingqiu eats the breakfast Luo Binghe brings him and seems a bit more aware. Instead of just muttering to himself, he stares out one of the windows with a thoughtful intensity as he sits cross legged on the bed with the pillow in his lap.

“Binghe,” he calls finally.

“Yes, Shizun?”

“Sit down. I’m going to tell you a story.”

Luo Binghe dutifully sits at the side of Shen Qingqiu’s bed. With how strange his shizun has been since the qi deviation, he has no idea what to expect from this.

“There once was a useless man,” Shen Qingqiu begins, his eyes not moving from the window. “He’d done nothing, created nothing, and was nothing but drain on his family. The only thing he ever did was spend their money and read stupid stories.”

Frowning, Luo Binghe can easily imagine such a man. There were plenty of young masters during his years on the street who were similar.

“One day, the useless man died and was reborn into the middle of another man’s life. He could tell no one, they would think him possessed if he did.” That’s exactly what Luo Binghe might think, were he to encounter such a man. “So, he tried his best to pretend, but the other man had been cruel and awful and ruined all those around him. The useless man decided that he must change his fate.”

Shen Qingqiu turns, looking down at Luo Binghe. His gaze is tired, his eyes bruised despite how much time he’s spent in bed. He looks like a man who has lost everything.

“The useless man couldn’t change everything. A… A heavenly being constrained much of his will, but he tried. He tried as hard as he knew how to.”

There’s a pause then as Shen Qingqiu’s gaze turns inward. Maybe he’s distracted by another thought, maybe that’s all he’d wanted to say. Luo Binghe waits as his hands tighten on his knees. Something about the story feels… important.

“Did he succeed?” he prompts when the silence continues. Shen Qingqiu blinks, coming back to himself, and then shakes his head.

“No. In the end, things were worse in many ways than if he’d never replaced the cruel man,” he says, softer then. “The useless man made so many mistakes and misunderstood so many things. He kept hurting the one closest to him over and over and… Well. He made a huge mess of everything. And then he died horribly despite it all, probably so he could screw up in his next life, too.”

Luo Binghe’s heart twists in his chest. “Even- even if he didn’t succeed, isn’t it admirable that he tried?”

Shen Qingqiu snorts, turning back to the window. “Is it?”

The answer Luo Binghe wants to say is yes, of course it is, but he doesn’t think Shen Qingqiu wants to hear that. He says nothing more for the rest of the day.

Luo Binghe goes through his routine, but the story keeps coming back to him. What meaning he’s supposed to take from it, Luo Binghe seems to be too stupid to understand. It’s meaningful to Shen Qingqiu, though. That much is obvious.

For days after, Shen Qingqiu is back to ignoring meals and just laying with the pillow clutched to his chest. He mutters here and there but mostly ignores Luo Binghe’s presence. It’s starting to feel like he’ll never recover from what the qi deviation did to his mind. When Yue Qingyuan or Mu Qingfang visit, he ignores them just as much. Every time, they both seem less and less hopeful of his recovery, too.

Nothing changes until one morning, Luo Binghe finds the bedroom empty. He searches the house, but there’s no sign of his shizun and his sword is gone. Panicked, he sends word to Yue Qingyuan and starts to search the peak. There’s no sign of Shen Qingqiu or hint to where he’d gone, not even whether he’d done it by choice or not. The entire mountain buzzes with speculation.

Six days after his disappearance, they find Shen Qingqiu’s body at the foot of the mountain.

The other peak lords can’t leave the Qing Jing disciples without a master, so the couple dozen young men and women are divided up between the other peaks where their talents and interests will fit best.

Luo Binghe decides to find a place on An Ding. The other peaks could bring him to greatness, but… more than anything, he just wants to be useful. Shang Qinghua is an odd, nervous man who seems to have a dozen different thoughts at once, but he takes care of his disciples. Luo Binghe never gets strung up and whipped again.

Years later, when Luo Binghe’s seal breaks during an escort mission gone terribly wrong and he’s revealed as a demon, Shang Qinghua leads him to the cold, unforgiving north of the demon realm to meet Mobei-jun.

By the time Luo Binghe decides to leave the world, he’s outlived Shang Qinghua and his king both, taken the crown for himself as Mobei-jun’s adopted son and heir, and led the northern kingdom through a successful campaign to unify the realm under one banner.

Just before he takes himself out, Luo Binghe has a sudden flash of memory: his tired master, quiet and full of pain, telling him a sad story that seemed so very personal to him. Luo Binghe can’t remember everything Shen Qingqiu said, but he thinks… He thinks maybe he’d want to carry it to his next life.

It takes years for Luo Binghe to find the artifact he needs, the one that will imbue his next life with remnants of this one. He wonders what it might mean for the next him and then uses the artifact anyway.

After a dozen wives and far more children, Luo Binghe takes himself out and leaves the empire he carved out in the hands of his most intelligent son.

When Luo Binghe is fourteen years old, his shizun suffers a terrible qi deviation and fever that completely changes who he is. The abusive tyrant is instead replaced by a man who wants nothing to do with anyone ever again.

No one is allowed in the bamboo house except the sect leader and Mu Qingfang. Not even Ming Fan for cleaning or meals. Day after day, the two peak lords go in and out, looking more and more grim every time.

After nearly two weeks of this with no news given, something changes. Yue Qingyuan stops Luo Binghe on his way to clean the dormitories, a strange look on his face that Luo Binghe has no hope of reading.

“Your shizun is calling for you,” he says and bids Luo Binghe to follow him into the bamboo house.

He holds open the door, waiting expectantly for Luo Binghe to enter. The bamboo house has never felt so unwelcoming as it does now, dark and unkempt. Luo Binghe itches to clean the gathered dust and straighten up things left out forgotten. Instead, he follows Yue Qingyuan into the bedroom.

Shen Qingqiu lays still on the bed, his back turned toward the door and a pillow hugged to his chest. His dark hair is tangled and forgotten, his skin is sickly pale. He doesn’t acknowledge them, nor answers when Yue Qingyuan calls for him. Something about this sight feels strangely, terribly familiar, but Luo Binghe doesn’t know why.

Yue Qingyuan gestures for him to come forward. Luo Binghe steps gingerly up to the bed, takes a breath, and then says, “Shizun?”

The reaction is subtle. Shen Qingqiu snorts as if Luo Binghe’s presence at his bedside is funny. He makes no move to sit up or look at them.

“Why do you always bring him to me?” he mutters, hugging the pillow tighter to him. “Over and over and over and over… It’s never going to stop, is it?”

Luo Binghe glances up to Yue Qingyuan, but the sect leader looks no less puzzled than he is. Just what had the qi deviation done to Shen Qingqiu’s mind?

“Shidi called for Luo-shizhi,” Yue Qingyuan says and there’s little reaction from Shen Qingqiu. “When the fever burned away everything else, you would only say his name.”

Shock floods Luo Binghe. He has disappointed and angered his shizun since his first day on the peak, tripping over any and every possible way to offend him. Why would Shen Qingqiu, stripped to his base thoughts and feelings in delirium, call for someone like Luo Binghe?

“You can’t hold me responsible for things I said when I was out of my mind,” Shen Qingqiu says without any real bite, pressing his face into the pillow. “That’s just mean.”

Utterly baffled, Luo Binghe sneaks a glance up at Yue Qingyuan again. This has only served to trouble him further.

“And get Binghe a new cultivation manual. His is fake because I was trying to kill him.”

Yue Qingyuan jerks back a step like he’s been struck and Luo Binghe fairs no better. He stares at Shen Qingqiu’s back wide eyed, heart clenching tight at the confession.

“In fact, take Binghe back with you to Qiong Ding. Raise him yourself. I’m tired of fucking this up.”

“Shidi-”

“Stop letting me hurt him!” This, finally, is when Shen Qingqiu shoves himself up and twists around to glare at Yue Qingyuan. “I don’t give a shit about your guilt complex, you can’t just let people abuse kids under their care. You have a fucking responsibility to stop this from happening, but you’ve let Binghe get hurt for years.”

Ice slides down Luo Binghe’s back and he suddenly feels a little lightheaded.

“So what if you failed to save Shen Jiu before he had to save his goddamn self,” Shen Qingqiu continues spitting out with rage. “Do you think that’s what he was most hurt about? You wouldn’t tell him why!”

“Xiao-Jiu,” Yue Qingyuan whispers, his eyes growing wet. Shen Qingqiu doesn’t seem to care about that. He gets to his feet, stumbling a bit after having spent so long still on the bed, but he slaps away Yue Qingyuan’s hands when he tries to steady him.

“Your Xiao-Jiu is fucking dead!” Shen Qingqiu snarls as he gets into Yue Qingyuan’s face. “He died during the qi deviation and I’m a fucking ghost possessing his body!”

Abruptly, blood starts dripping from Shen Qingqiu’s nose, but he doesn’t seem to notice. Luo Binghe can’t look away from the sudden deep red of it, so different from any of the whites and greens all around them.

“And I am tired,” Shen Qingqiu goes on, beating a fist once against Yue Qingyuan’s chest as he starts to cry. “I’m tired of doing this. Do you have any idea how many times it’s been now? I don’t even know! I- I haven’t heard anyone call me by my own name in so long-”

He shudders and his tears gain a red tint that is darkening by the second. Then he’s collapsing and Yue Qingyuan barely catches him in time to lower to the floor.

“Go fetch Mu Qingfang!” he orders. Luo Binghe finally unfreezes. He runs the entire way to Qian Cao Peak and is in no less of a panic when he gets there. Mu Qingfang doesn’t ask questions and they go to Qing Jing Peak together.

When they get there, they find Yue Qingyuan clutching Shen Qingqiu’s limp form to his chest. Mu Qingfang’s examination is short. Shen Qingqiu is already gone.

The other peak lords can’t leave the Qing Jing disciples without a master, so the couple dozen young men and women are divided up between the other peaks where their talents and interests will fit best.

Luo Binghe is sent to Qiong Ding. He’s not sure that’s a good thing. Every time Yue Qingyuan looks at him, he seems to only feel pain. Luo Binghe is nothing if not adaptable; he’ll make this work and become the great cultivator he’s always tried to be.

Yue Qingyuan is a distant man that holds his secrets close to the chest and lets no one any closer to him, but at least he takes care of his disciples. Luo Binghe never gets strung up and whipped again.

But every time he looks at his cultivation manual, brand new when he arrived here, Luo Binghe thinks of Shen Qingqiu. He remembers the anger and self-hatred and the way Shen Qingqiu seemed like he’d given up on everything. No matter how cruel he’d been to Luo Binghe before that, it isn’t a fate he’d wish on anyone.

When demons attack the next year, over a quarter of the Qiong Ding disciples perish despite their efforts. The carnage only ends when Yue Qingyuan and several other peak lords arrive to stop them. Luo Binghe is drained of qi and near collapse by then, but at least a few of his fellow disciples owe their lives to his refusal to stay down. He only gives in when Yue Qingyuan tells him it’s over.

And then the Immortal Alliance Conference happens and Luo Binghe’s demonic nature is revealed to his shifu at the edge of the Endless Abyss. He expects to be killed on the spot, like the invading demons from years ago had been, but Yue Qingyuan just stands there and stares at him.

“Demons don’t belong here,” he says at last, expression hardening as his hand goes to the hilt of his sword. “Luo Binghe must go into the Abyss.”

“Shifu-” Luo Binghe murmurs almost soundlessly, terror gripping him.

“Not anymore,” Yue Qingyuan says. “I won’t strike you down where you stand because Shen Qingqiu wanted me to raise you. So, I will honor his will by letting you leave alive.”

When Luo Binghe doesn’t go willingly, Yue Qingyuan pushes him in.

It takes years to escape the abyss. As he fights his way through the most horrific monsters, he keeps being reminded of an old story he heard long ago. He can’t remember who told it to him or exactly when, but recounting the story to himself is a strange comfort.

A useless man pretending to be someone else and trying over and over and over to make things better, failing every time. Luo Binghe wonders if he’s useless as well.

When Luo Binghe finally leaves the Endless Abyss, he finds himself in the demon realm and it doesn’t agree with him very much. The chaos, the infighting, the lack of general purpose. If no one else is going to make sense of it all, Luo Binghe might as well. It at least gives him some sort of purpose in his life.

The demon realm falls to his rule with surprising ease and Luo Binghe keeps ironclad control of it until he decides that he’s finished living.

Just before he takes himself out, Luo Binghe has a sudden flash of memory: his old master, ranting about his own mistakes and raging that no one stepped in to stop him. Luo Binghe can’t remember everything Shen Qingqiu said, but… He thinks maybe he’d want to carry it to his next life.

It takes two years for Luo Binghe to find the artifact he needs, the one that will imbue his next life with remnants of this one. He wonders what it might mean for the next him and then uses the artifact anyway.

Luo Binghe takes himself out with no plans left for any successors. Let everyone else figure it out for themselves.

When Luo Binghe is fourteen years old, his shizun suffers a terrible qi deviation and fever that completely changes who he is. The abusive tyrant is instead replaced by a man who wants nothing to do with anyone ever again.

No one is allowed in the bamboo house except the sect leader and Mu Qingfang. Not even Ming Fan for cleaning or meals. Day after day, the two peak lords go in and out, looking more and more grim every time. Luo Binghe feels a strange familiarity with this and thinks maybe it had been similar for those who’d known his mother once she grew too sick to leave their shack.

After nearly two weeks with no news given, something changes. Yue Qingyuan stops Luo Binghe on his way to clean the dormitories, a strange look on his face that Luo Binghe has no hope of reading.

“Come with me,” he says and bids Luo Binghe to follow him into the bamboo house.

He holds open the door, waiting expectantly for Luo Binghe to enter. The bamboo house has never felt so unwelcoming as it does now, dark and unkempt. Luo Binghe itches to clean the gathered dust and straighten up things left out forgotten.

Several steps before the bedroom door, Yue Qingyuan stops. “I don’t know if you’ll be able to get through to him, but Luo-shizhi must try. He’s forbidden me from entering his room anymore.”

Luo Binghe doesn’t know what he’ll find inside but that certainly doesn’t inspire much confidence in him. He goes in anyway.

Shen Qingqiu lays still on the bed, his back turned toward the door and a pillow hugged to his chest. His dark hair is tangled and forgotten, his skin is sickly pale. He doesn’t acknowledge Luo Binghe at all. Something about this sight feels so terribly familiar, but Luo Binghe finds he isn’t thinking of his mother. He doesn’t know why.

Luo Binghe steps gingerly up to the bed, takes a breath, and then says, “Shizun?”

“Not again,” Shen Qingqiu says into his pillow. “Just go away.”

Any other time, Luo Binghe might have left immediately. But right here, right now, something inside him won’t let him go. It doesn’t give him any direction on what to do instead, though. He studies his shizun’s back, his tangled hair, his general air of hopelessness, and he just…

He knows this. He knows this. It’s… He doesn’t know, but he does and the feeling of familiarity just won’t go away. He needs to fix this.

There’s too much wrong, so he chooses one solid thing to start with.

Luo Binghe fetches a comb and goes to Shen Qingqiu’s beside because his shizun should never be so unkempt. With trembling fingers, he reaches out and starts gathering his master’s hair up in one hand. Shen Qingqiu goes absolutely still, but he doesn’t try to stop Luo Binghe from taking on the arduous task of combing out his shizun’s hair until it’s smooth and flowing like water.

When he glances up to what little he can see of Shen Qingqiu’s face, he freezes at the glint of tears on his cheeks.

“Shizun,” he whispers and Shen Qingqiu doesn’t quite strangle a sob.

“Why?” Shen Qingqiu asks with a tone Luo Binghe has never heard before. Small and wretched and heartbroken. “Why would you do that? It hasn’t been long enough.”

“Begging Shizun’s forgiveness-”

“You only do that in the loops when you love me-” and then his shizun curls up tighter, jerking like he’s in pain.

“Shizun!”

“Stop, stop, please. I already miss my husband enough, I don’t need you to remind me,” Shen Qingqiu sobs out and Luo Binghe starts smelling the coppery tang of blood in the air. Dreading the worst, he throws propriety out the window to grab his shizun’s shoulder and roll him onto his back. Luo Binghe sees a flash of blood on his face before Shen Qingqiu’s pressing it against the pillow again.

Luo Binghe scrambles for a handkerchief and then wrestles the pillow out of Shen Qingqiu’s hands. Blood is trickling down steadily from his nose and Luo Binghe presses the handkerchief against it as he eases Shen Qingqiu up to sit.

“Why are you doing this?” Shen Qingqiu asks as tears fill his eyes. “I- You don’t even know I’m not going to hurt you anymore.”

The bleeding worsens but Luo Binghe, drawing from a well of stubbornness he didn’t even realize he had, doesn’t let Shen Qingqiu turn away from him.

“Shizun shouldn’t be bleeding,” he says simply, averting his eyes to give his shizun some semblance of privacy for his tears. “Once it stops, this disciple will fetch Mu-shishu.”

Shen Qingqiu squeezes his eyes shut as he sobs, his body leaning until it rests up against Luo Binghe’s shoulder. Luo Binghe stills. He hasn’t- This is probably the closest he’s ever let another person since his mother died. Not even Ning Yingying has been.

“I’m sorry,” Shen Qingqiu murmurs with another sob. “I’m sorry, you must be so confused.”

“This… This disciple is stupid and doesn’t understand-”

“Binghe has never been stupid,” his shizun says, lifting a hand to curl against the front of Luo Binghe’s robes. “Binghe has never done wrong by this master. Binghe is perfect exactly how he is.”

Now it’s Luo Binghe’s eyes that are prickling with approaching wetness. “Shizun.”

“I’m sorry I didn’t come sooner to stop Shen Jiu from hurting you at all. I’m sorry I didn’t come soon enough to save your mother. I’m sorry I never manage to help you.” His breathing stutters and then he’s sobbing out the rest. “Binghe, I’m so sorry I keep failing you no matter what I try. I really am a useless man.”

What all of this means, Luo Binghe still doesn’t quite know, but he lets Shen Qingqiu cry against his shoulder until long after the nosebleed ends, until there are no more tears to cry and Shen Qingqiu has fallen asleep. He eases his shizun back down on the bed and cleans away the rest of the blood. The thin sleeping robes are bloodied too, but Luo Binghe would never dare to redress Shen Qingqiu.

Instead, he just stares down at him with far too many conflicting feelings within him. So many things about this feel familiar, like he’s done this before. Not quite the same, but… Shen Qingqiu had said something about loops.

Things are starting to fit together in a way Luo Binghe doesn’t like in the least. He thinks about telling Yue Qingyuan, but… He might just think Luo Binghe as mad as his shizun.

When he steps out of Shen Qingqiu’s room with the bloodied handkerchief, Yue Qingyuan is there and immediately notices.

“Shizhi-”

“This disciple is going to move into the side room of this bamboo house,” Luo Binghe says and that feels right. That feels like where he’s supposed to be. “He will attend to Shizun personally.”

Yue Qingyuan looks both uneasy and relieved at the same time. Had he planned for similar? Was he glad he hadn’t had to be the one to decide it? Luo Binghe wonders if it even matters.

He goes to wash out the handkerchief and then prepares a meal he’s half sure will be ignored. When he gets back to Shen Qingqiu’s room, he finds it empty. He searches the house, but there’s no sign of his shizun and his sword is gone. Somehow absolutely sure this means the worst, he sends word to Yue Qingyuan and starts to search the peak. There’s no sign of Shen Qingqiu or hint to where he’d gone, not even whether he’d done it by choice or not. The entire mountain buzzes with speculation.

Six days after his disappearance, they find Shen Qingqiu’s body at the foot of the mountain.

The other peak lords can’t leave the Qing Jing disciples without a master, so the couple dozen young men and women are divided up between the other peaks where their talents and interests will fit best.

Luo Binghe goes to Bai Zhan. He spends his days being beaten and beating others, his skills hard won and better for it. He hurts most of the time in some way. There is a thing in him that needs punishment.

Liu Qingge is less of a teacher than an occasional sparring partner, but that’s fine. Luo Binghe doesn’t need another shizun. Somehow, he thinks he’ll never have another one ever again.

When he’s fifteen, Liu Qingge is found dead in Ling Xi cave only a few weeks after a demon attack on Qiong Ding that wipes out over half the disciples there along with dozens from other peaks unlucky enough to be caught on the rainbow bridge as it collapsed. Another peak lord loss rocks the sect to the core, but this time they don’t move the disciples. Bai Zhan has always handled its own affairs, regardless of whether Liu Qingge was there or not. It continues to do so and Luo Binghe soon rises up to become its representative.

And then the Immortal Alliance Conference happens. Luo Binghe’s seal is broken and his demonic heritage spills free. There is no one to see it. Had he the skill to hide it, they’d never know. And yet… There is somewhere he needs to go.

“Take this one with you,” he says to the ice demon before he can disappear.

“Why?”

“Because that’s where he’s supposed to be. Demons belong in the demon realm.”

The ice demon studies him for several seconds, then opens a portal and allows Luo Binghe to go through it with him to meet his destiny.

The demon realm falls to his rule with surprising ease and Luo Binghe keeps ironclad control of it until he decides that he’s finished living.

Just before he takes himself out, Luo Binghe has a sudden flash of memory: his old master, crying and apologizing as he rested in Luo Binghe’s arms. Luo Binghe can’t remember everything Shen Qingqiu said, but he will carry it to his next life.

It takes six months for Luo Binghe to find the artifact he needs, the one that will imbue his next life with remnants of this one. He knows the next him will use that knowledge well and then activates the artifact.

Luo Binghe takes himself out with no plans left for any successors. Let everyone else figure it out for themselves.

Chapter Text

When Luo Binghe is fourteen years old, his shizun suffers a terrible qi deviation and fever that completely changes who he is. The abusive tyrant is instead replaced by a man too broken to be of use to anyone.

He lives for only a few days after the fever breaks, muttering incoherently to himself, and then disappears without a trace. His body is found six days later at the foot of the mountain. They can’t leave his disciples the way they are, so the couple dozen young men and women are divided up between the other peaks where their talents and interests will fit best.

Luo Binghe decides to find a place on An Ding. The other peaks could bring him to greatness, but… more than anything, he just wants to be useful. Shang Qinghua is an odd, nervous man who seems to have a dozen different thoughts at once, but he takes care of his disciples. Luo Binghe never gets strung up and whipped again.

Almost every day, Luo Binghe is struck with the strangest sense that he’s done this before. Not just his day to day tasks, not just the same conversations he has to have so many times, it’s all of it. He can almost guess what every day will bring and something about that… He doesn’t know. No one else seems to feel the same so Luo Binghe keeps it to himself.

Years later, when Luo Binghe’s seal breaks during an escort mission gone terribly wrong and he’s revealed as a demon, Shang Qinghua leads him to the cold, unforgiving north of the demon realm to meet Mobei-jun.

By the time Luo Binghe decides to leave the world, he’s outlived Shang Qinghua and his king both, taken the crown for himself as Mobei-jun’s adopted son and heir, and led the northern kingdom through a successful campaign to unify the realm under one banner.

Just before he takes himself out, Luo Binghe is struck by an even more powerful sense of familiarity. Somehow, he has done this before and there is something vitally important he needs to remember, needs to pass into his next life.

It takes three months for Luo Binghe to find the artifact he needs, the one that will imbue his next life with remnants of this one. He knows the next him will use that knowledge well and then activates the artifact.

After a few wives and half a dozen children, Luo Binghe takes himself out and leaves the empire he carved out in the hands of his most intelligent granddaughter.

When Luo Binghe is fourteen years old, his shizun suffers a terrible qi deviation and fever that completely changes who he is. The abusive tyrant is instead replaced by a man too broken to be of use to anyone.

He lives for only a few days after the fever breaks, muttering incoherently to himself, and then disappears without a trace. His body is found six days later at the foot of the mountain. They can’t leave his disciples the way they are, so the couple dozen young men and women are divided up between the other peaks where their talents and interests will fit best.

Luo Binghe finds a place on An Ding that fits him like a glove. The other peaks could bring him to greatness, but… more than anything, this just feels right. Shang Qinghua is an odd, nervous man who seems to have a dozen different thoughts at once, but he takes care of his disciples. Luo Binghe never gets strung up and whipped again.

Almost every day, Luo Binghe is struck with a great certainty that he’s done this before. Not just his day to day tasks, not just the same conversations he has to have so many times, it’s all of it. He can accurately guess what every day will bring and something about that… He doesn’t know. No one else seems to feel the same so Luo Binghe keeps it to himself.

Years later, when Luo Binghe’s seal very nearly breaks during an escort mission gone terribly wrong, it becomes clear to him just what he is. He barely gets through it still intact but loses so many of his fellow disciples. When he shamefully presents himself to Shang Qinghua, his punishment isn’t enough. Luo Binghe reveals himself as a demon and Shang Qinghua leads him to the cold, unforgiving north of the demon realm to meet Mobei-jun.

By the time Luo Binghe decides to leave the world, he’s outlived Shang Qinghua and his king both, taken the crown for himself as Mobei-jun’s adopted son and heir, and led the northern kingdom through a successful campaign to unify the realm under one banner.

Just before he takes himself out, Luo Binghe is struck by an even more powerful sense of familiarity. This has happened before. Many times before. It’s vitally important that he remembers, that this passes into his next life.

It takes a few weeks for Luo Binghe to find the artifact he needs, the one that will imbue his next life with remnants of this one. He knows the next him will use that knowledge well and then activates the artifact.

After a few wives and half a dozen children, Luo Binghe takes himself out and leaves the empire he carved out in the hands of his most intelligent granddaughter.

When Luo Binghe is fourteen years old, his shizun suffers a terrible qi deviation and fever that completely changes who he is. The abusive tyrant is instead replaced by a man too broken to be of use to anyone.

That is less notable than the fact that Luo Binghe wakes in the woodshed and knows immediately that he’s lived through this before. It doesn’t just feel familiar. He’s done this before. He’s done this a few times before. He’s gone far past this point before and now he’s back. Why is he back?

For a moment, he wonders if it was all a dream but dismisses the notion. He would have known if he were dreaming because… Luo Binghe frowns. He can’t sense Meng Mo in the back of his mind- Oh. They haven’t met yet. Well that just proves it.

This body is weak and underdeveloped. Luo Binghe uses two centuries worth of experience from his past life to break out of the woodshed anyway. This body is wounded. He ignores it. He’s been hurt worse than this.

When Ming Fan tries to stop him, Luo Binghe flips his old nemesis right over his shoulder without missing a step and keeps going. No one else makes an attempt.

Mu Qingfang is coming out of the bamboo house when Luo Binghe gets there. He frowns with some surprise and then grabs hold of his arm when Luo Binghe tries to walk past him to go inside.

“Your shizun is not entertaining visitors,” he says and Luo Binghe doesn’t strike him only because he sincerely believes he’s helping.

“This lo- This disciple must attend to the house.”

Mu Qingfang narrows his eyes and doesn’t budge. “Not today.”

For a moment, Luo Binghe considers taking a shot at him. But this body’s qi isn’t nearly developed enough for that. He nods and finds somewhere nearby to wait. When Mu Qingfang is out of range, Luo Binghe goes right back to the door.

Yue Qingyuan startles him in the hall, but there isn’t nearly as much resistance. Luo Binghe barely has to open his mouth before Yue Qingyuan says, “He’s been calling for you.”

He lets Luo Binghe past.

Luo Binghe’s memory from his last life (lives?) isn’t perfect or even all that clear. There are specific things that demand his attention, specific people and phrases and hints. What he knows for sure is that Shen Qingqiu is the only one who can provide any sort of answer about what’s going on.

When Luo Binghe enters the bedroom, Shen Qingqiu is still in the throes of fever. His skin is pale and cheeks rosy from the heat, a layer of sweat on his forehead. His hair has been pulled into the simplest of queues to keep it out of the way. Luo Binghe sits at the edge of the bed and stares down at him.

Once, Shen Qingqiu was a tyrant who made Luo Binghe’s every waking moment into an opportunity for ridicule and torment. Then the fever changed him into someone completely different. As he stares into that well known face, Luo Binghe starts to remember holding a sobbing man who couldn’t stop apologizing to him. It’s difficult to rectify the two. Which of them would Shen Qingqiu wake as?

He has to wait before he gets any answer. Shen Qingqiu is mostly senseless from the fever and the deviation that caused it. And… He does call for Luo Binghe. He’s already apologizing even before he knows it’s actually Luo Binghe staring back at him.

“Don’t let Binghe come,” Shen Qingqiu pleads during the worst of it. “Don’t let him see me like this again. I can’t- It’ll hurt him.”

“Shi-”

“Just let me die. I don’t want to disappoint him. I don’t want to confuse him. Just let me go so I don’t make it worse for him.”

Luo Binghe’s heart clenches. In his last long life, there had been lovers aplenty. He only married a few, rarely bedded the same one twice outside assuring his legacy. Each and every one tried to demand his attention, his wealth, his power. A few even tried to kill him themselves.

He’s never had anyone who would rather die than cause him even the slightest inconvenience.

Stop, stop, please. I already miss my husband enough, I don’t need you to remind me, comes to his mind from nowhere. Every second he looks at Shen Qingqiu, there’s a little more. It almost makes him angry to remember his proud shizun brought so low, and yet…

The fever breaks four days after he’s let into the bamboo house. Mu Qingfang hasn’t said a word about his presence and Luo Binghe busies himself with upkeep of the house during the medical exams. On that fourth day, when Shen Qingqiu wakes in the middle of one, he’s lucid.

“I don’t want you to come back,” Shen Qingqiu says to Mu Qingfang just as Luo Binghe is coming near the door, sounding tired and soft and defeated. “Don’t waste the medicines or your time. As soon as I can walk, I’m throwing myself off the mountain.”

There’s so little emotion in the words, like it’s a task added to Shen Qingqiu’s schedule instead of the intent to end his own life. And Luo Binghe knows this, too. This has happened before.

“Perhaps we’ll break your legs,” Mu Qingfang says. The dryness of his tone barely covers how serious that option may be.

“Then I’ll do it after I heal.”

No feeling. No fuss. When Mu Qingfang leaves the bedroom, Luo Binghe watches him go to whisper urgently with Yue Qingyuan in the entry hall for a little while before he turns to enter the bedroom.

Shen Qingqiu looks surprised for a split second before he’s overtaken by fatigue. “Oh. So it’s starting early this time.”

Luo Binghe studies his face. It’s still the one he has memories of spewing out harmful words and the one he’s seen in tears at his very presence.

“Shizun has done this before,” he says and Shen Qingqiu frowns with confusion.

“...Everyone knows I’m prone to qi deviations.”

There’s a stretch of quiet between them that seems daunting in its strength. There’s so much Luo Binghe could say or ask. So many choices in how he could handle this.

What comes out of his mouth is, “There once was a useless man…”

The change is immediate. Shen Qingqiu stops breathing as his eyes snap wide. What little color had been in his face drains away.

“Binghe,” he whispers out like a prayer. Like Luo Binghe is the answer to everything wrong with his life. Like he might be saved.

“I don’t remember everything,” Luo Binghe says because suddenly he can’t stand the thought of disappointing this man by giving him false hopes, “but I know I’ve done this before.”

Shen Qingqiu laughs, a choked and wet sound that barely precedes the start of his tears. He covers his face with both hands, trembling all over. “That’s… That’s enough for this master. That’s enough.”

“Shizun isn’t allowed to kill himself again,” Luo Binghe says. He sits at the edge of the bed, as if proximity might make sure his will is followed. “This disciple still needs answers.”

“Yes. Yes, of course, anything Binghe wants.” Those long, slender hands twitch against Shen Qingqiu’s face for a little while longer before he finally drops them. There’s no hiding his wet cheeks. He doesn’t even try. “Did… Did Binghe grow up well? The last time. It’s so rare I get to see it, even when I don’t…”

“Well enough.” Luo Binghe has scraps of heading a great kingdom, of having anything and everything he could have ever wanted. And yet… It had never been enough. There was always something missing. “How long has Shizun…?”

“I don’t know. It’s… I lost count of the loops.”

The way he says it… Luo Binghe narrows his eyes, letting the pieces naturally fall into place within his mind. He’s done this before. Sent to the start after the end to do it all again. A continuous ribbon of experience never ending- a loop.

“How did it begin?” he asks.

“I think- I remember, it was after Maigu Ridge-” Shen Qingqiu jerks, eyes slamming shut tight with pain, and this Luo Binghe thinks he remembers as well. “A-after…”

“There are things you can’t say,” he realizes with growing understanding. “Something won’t let you-”

“Stop. Stop there, I don’t- It’ll probably just kill me if you know too much and I can’t- please,” Shen Qingqiu begs, the tears falling even faster. Luo Binghe can’t stop himself from reaching out to wipe them away. “Just for a little while, please don’t make me go, not when you know this time-”

“Never,” is the quiet answer, which only gets him crying harder.

By the time Shen Qingqiu has calmed, he’s slipped into a light sleep. Just as Luo Binghe’s body is quite up to what he needs it to be, Shen Qingqiu’s isn’t either. At least this gives Binghe ample time to study the man before him.

He doesn’t know why Shen Qingqiu seems so suddenly fond of him. He doesn’t know what the actual nature of their relationship has been. What little he knows for sure hasn’t given him much to go on at all.

But… Shen Qingqiu remembers. He seems entirely aware of the loops, much as he’s forgotten how many he’s been through now. He certainly remembers enough to be so hopeless as to kill himself several times with likely very little time between them, just so he wouldn’t make things worse. Just so he wouldn’t hurt more.

Why does he remember but Luo Binghe doesn’t? Were the loops started by the thing that keeps Shen Qingqiu silent? What did he mean by Maigu Ridge?

The more he finds out, the less he understands, but he knows one thing for sure: he needs to find a way to get those memories back. Last time, he used an artifact to maintain the tiny bit of knowledge he has now. There must be something better. Maybe even something that can give him more from farther back.

He needs to know why Shen Qingqiu’s opinion of him changed so drastically, almost like he’s a completely different person. He needs to know why being cared for in such small ways reminded Shen Qingqiu of a husband Luo Binghe knows he doesn’t have. He needs to know just what Shen Qingqiu is trying so hard to save him - them - from.

There’s nothing to be done when he’s this young. He’ll have to wait and do what he can to plan out exactly how he’ll track down his answers.

Shen Qingqiu recovers and takes his place as the peak lord of Qing Jing once more. Though strict, he shows great care for all of the disciples and crafts personal improvement plans for every one of them, including Luo Binghe. He arranges for Luo Binghe to train personally with Liu Qingge. Luo Binghe doesn’t necessarily like Liu Qingge, but he does his best to ignore the way even this seems to be something he’s done before. His skills come back quickly, his endurance strengthened each day.

When Luo Binghe notices Liu Qingge’s interest in Shen Qingqiu, it causes a very strange tumble of feelings. Almost like jealousy. The only saving grace is that Shen Qingqiu doesn’t seem to notice it.

Still, maybe Luo Binghe does understand what he’s feeling. The way Shen Qingqiu keeps trying to earnestly prepare him for the upcoming conference, the way he looks at Luo Binghe sometimes like a precious thing… Luo Binghe doesn’t want to lose that. He thinks, maybe, this is what he’d been looking for in all the women he had in his last life.

Through the years, Shen Qingqiu tries to hint about the things he knows. It’s obvious when he does it but Luo Binghe doesn’t mind. He just soaks up every little piece of the puzzle that is his shizun and the hell he’s stuck in. Sometimes, the hints cause Shen Qingqiu to collapse with a bloody face. Others, he is struck by sudden illness that nearly kills him each time. Still, Shen Qingqiu tries to give Luo Binghe as much as he can. The picture is becoming a little more coherent with every piece.

And then the Immortal Alliance Conference happens and Luo Binghe’s seal is broken despite his best efforts. When Shen Qingqiu sees this, something within him seems to shatter.

“No,” he whispers. “No, no, no, I won’t do it again. I won’t-”

“Shizun?” Luo Binghe asks, barely holding it together in the face of his unleashed demonic qi.

“I- I’m sorry, I can’t do it again,” Shen Qingqiu says with tears streaming down his cheeks. “I’m sorry, Binghe. I can’t keep my promise.”

Luo Binghe doesn’t understand. Several minutes later when Shen Qingqiu collapses, his heart failing him with no warning, he still doesn’t. Luo Binghe slowly lowers Shen Qingqiu to the ground and wipes the tears from his slack face with trembling fingers.

He can’t stay, not when he’s like this, his demonic qi still dripping off him. Briefly, Luo Binghe considers the Endless Abyss, but he has just enough memories of that accursed place to take another path. It’s difficult to hide from the masters that comb the area for still living beasts. He does it anyway and then takes the first opening he gets to escape.

For weeks, Luo Binghe tirelessly builds up layers of shields around himself to suppress his demonic nature. This, he knows. This, he’s done before as well. Then he travels through the human realm, looking for anything he might use to recapture the memories of his other lives. Everything turns out to be dead ends. When he goes to the demon realm next, it’s still mostly rumor and deception. Luo Binghe keeps looking and keeps being disappointed by every lead.

At night, he remembers Shen Qingqiu’s weak, choked laugh and the way he’d said Luo Binghe’s name upon finding out that Luo Binghe remembered even the small bit he did. The way he’d cried and apologized before dropping dead with no explanation. Luo Binghe decides after the first few months in the demon realm that it must have been the thing keeping Shen Qingqiu silent that killed him. What was it that Shen Qingqiu refused to do, that he was willing to die to avoid?

Well. He’ll find out sooner or later.

It seems obvious in hindsight, but it takes two years before Luo Binghe ends up at Madam Meiyin’s den of succubi. She’s pretty offended when he has no interest in sleeping with her or the others, but is reasonable enough when faced with the correct type of persuasion.

“The thing you seek can be found under the ruins of Tianlang-jun’s palace in the southern demon kingdom,” she says, attention mostly focused on the sword at her throat. “An amulet as black as night and filled with strings of fate.”

“It will allow me to remember my past lives?” he asks, just to make sure she isn’t trying to lead him astray. “With full clarity?”

“Yes, yes, it will give you the answers you seek. Are you satisfied?”

Not yet. He promises to pay her another visit if the amulet isn’t useful and then starts towards the previous demonic emperor’s palace.

The southern kingdom is no more hospitable than the north, but Luo Binghe appreciates not having to heal frostbitten extremities. He braves dangerous forests, perilous canyons, packs of demonic creatures hundred strong to get to the ruins of Tianlang-jun’s palace. Then it’s just a matter of sifting through the rubble to find anything that resembles the amulet Madam Meiyin told him about.

He’s almost convinced she sent him on just another false lead when he finds a half collapsed passage into what turns out to be a treasury. There are signs he isn’t the first to have found it but there are plenty of larger chests and vaults still intact. Nearly all of them are protected by tricks and traps that are only difficult to manage due to how long it takes him to dismantle and brute force his way through them.

There are a great many priceless artifacts in the treasury, but Luo Binghe passes them all by. They mean nothing if he doesn’t succeed in his actual quest. On and on, Luo Binghe searches. It is in the very last chest, small and unassuming behind a pile of molded tapestries, that the amulet finally shows itself.

The pitch black stone is struck through with ribbons of metallic blue that seem to twist and flutter within a vast sea held within it. Luo Binghe places it around his neck without hesitation and floods it with his qi.

Within seconds, Luo Binghe is crashing down to his knees as images bombard his mind. Hundreds of years flash before his eyes and then leap immediately back to the beginning for another few hundred. Again and again, the lives play through his mind like an endless parade of performances, each one different in subtle and devastating ways.

He watches his Shizun die over and over, watches him rage and despair over things only he knows, watches him care and cherish Luo Binghe. It’s devastating, the way Shizun grows hopeless and desperate in turns, the many times he ended his life in utter despair, the love that becomes too obvious to ignore even before Luo Binghe reaches a life when they were lovers.

The heartbreak of Shen Qingqiu’s sobbed apologies and his determination to find a way out of this hellish existence, the sheer magnitude of what his shizun has endured, wash over Luo Binghe and he is ashamed. Time and time again, he has failed to notice Shen Qingqiu’s plight and left him on his own in the misery. It burns Luo Binghe through to have missed so much. He’d left the better half of his soul to face this alone.

By the time he reaches the end, reaches the first life and its tragic end, Luo Binghe can’t imagine ever loving anyone as much as Shen Qingqiu has loved him, except Shen Qingqiu himself. Shen Qingqiu is so very easy to love.

He finally understands Maigu Ridge and the terrible price his own actions had wrought. How he’d held his lover’s mangled body in his arms, the life snuffed out of it by his own hand. How he’d raged and begged and pleaded for another chance to do it right. Luo Binghe died on that ridge offering his very soul to go back to the beginning. And with a sacrifice of every life in the entire world around him, something had heard and let him.

Every life, every second of torment Shen Qingqiu has gone through, is entirely Luo Binghe’s fault and there is nothing he’ll be able to do to make up for that except find a way to free his precious shizun from it. If Shen Qingqiu wants nothing to do with him after, it will only be what Luo Binghe deserves.

Shen Qingqiu has already left this loop, but surely there will be another. The capricious thing that put this in motion couldn’t possibly be satisfied yet. Luo Binghe has to hold onto that hope.

It takes only days for Luo Binghe to find the artifact he needs, the one that will imbue his next life with remnants of this one. As it is, it won’t give him the clarity of memory that he so desperately needs. Luo Binghe searches for the next five years to find a way to strengthen it, a way to bolster the effect to its highest potential, and then he’s finally ready. He prays that the next him will use this knowledge well to save his shizun, and then activates the artifact.

Going to the northern demon kingdom, he attacks Mobei-jun with just enough force to make it seem real.

Luo Binghe doesn’t survive that.

Chapter Text

When Luo Binghe is fourteen years old, his shizun suffers a terrible-

His shizun-

Luo Binghe wakes in the woodshed with his heart pounding and centuries of memories in his head. It worked. It worked! He’s back and this time will be different! This time he knows what’s happening and he can work with Shen Qingqiu to end the loops, he can-

Oh. Oh, he needs to see Shizun right this second.

This body is weak and underdeveloped. Luo Binghe uses his past lives’ experience to break out of the woodshed anyway. This body is wounded. He ignores it. He’s been hurt worse than this.

Knowing Mu Qingfang will try to stop him, Luo Binghe waits until he’s out of range, then goes right back to the door. He almost runs into Yue Qingyuan in the hall, but there’s no resistance. Luo Binghe barely has to open his mouth before Yue Qingyuan says, “He’s been calling for you.”

He lets Luo Binghe past.

When Luo Binghe enters the bedroom, Shen Qingqiu is still in the throes of fever. His skin is pale and cheeks rosy from the heat, a layer of sweat on his forehead. His hair has been pulled into the simplest of queues to keep it out of the way. Luo Binghe sits at the edge of the bed and stares down at him.

As Shen Qingqiu mutters and whimpers in his delirium, he says Luo Binghe’s name like a prayer and a plea both.

“I’m here,” Luo Binghe says softly as he pets the loose, shorter strands of hair away from Shen Qingqiu’s forehead. “I’m here, Shizun.”

His shizun is so very beautiful, even like this. That many of his lives didn’t notice this, couldn’t appreciate it, is a tragedy. Luo Binghe wipes away sweat and lovingly tends to his ailing shizun until the fever finally breaks four days later.

The first thing Luo Binghe does when Shen Qingqiu finally looks at him with full clarity is kiss him. Shen Qingqiu allows it for only a moment before pushing him back.

“Not yet,” he says, flushed and full of soft affection. “Binghe is still a child.”

Luo Binghe would argue that he’s probably a thousand years older than Shen Qingqiu by now, but he decides to keep that to himself. Especially with the way Shen Qingqiu’s expression grows more serious.

“There are things Binghe needs to know,” he says. He takes Luo Binghe’s face into his hands, rubbing his thumbs along his cheekbones. “This master must ask Binghe to be strong because telling him is probably going to result in my death.”

“Shizun!” The horror has Luo Binghe immediately trying to embrace him again but Shen Qingqiu keeps hold of his face.

“Shh, it’s all right, Binghe. We’re in a time loop. This master will come right back when you do.” He leans up to press a kiss to Luo Binghe’s forehead as tears start filling his eyes despite the reassurance. “Are you ready?”

“No!” But he understands why this is necessary. There are secrets Luo Binghe must know if he means to destroy the loop and free them. He needs to know everything. He doesn’t want to.

“Ah, how old are you? Crying like this,” Shen Qingqiu says with fondness, brushing a kiss just under Luo Binghe’s eye. “We’ll figure this out.”

Luo Binghe doesn’t let Shen Qingqiu start spilling his secrets until that evening, when he’s had plenty of time to cuddle into Shen Qingqiu’s arms. It’s nice being able to when he’s so small, when his shizun can cradle him like he’s the most precious thing in the world. It’s nice the other way, too, but Luo Binghe desperately wishes he could stay like this anyway.

That night, Shen Qingqiu tells him about the truth behind the qi deviation and his possession of that body, and so many things fall into place about his master’s strangeness after. He dies in pain and bleeding in Luo Binghe’s arms after telling him his name.

There’s no reason for Luo Binghe to linger. He breaks his seal, goes to the demon realm, and it takes only a day for him to find the artifact he needs, the one that will imbue his next life with remnants of this one. As it is, it won’t give him the clarity of memory that he so desperately needs. He spends a year strengthening the effect to its highest potential and then activates it. Almost immediately after, he takes one of the very few poisons that actually work on heavenly demons.

Luo Binghe doesn’t survive that.

---

When Luo Binghe is fourteen years old, his shizun-

Luo Binghe wakes in the woodshed with centuries of memories in his head and immediately goes to the bamboo house to be with his shizun.

When Luo Binghe enters the bedroom, Shen Qingqiu is still in the throes of fever. His skin is pale and cheeks rosy from the heat, a layer of sweat on his forehead. His hair has been pulled into the simplest of queues to keep it out of the way. Luo Binghe sits at the edge of the bed and stares down at him.

As Shen Qingqiu mutters and whimpers in his delirium, he says Luo Binghe’s name like a prayer and a plea both.

“I’m here,” Luo Binghe says softly as he pets the loose, shorter strands of hair away from Shen Qingqiu’s forehead. “I’m here, Shizun.”

His shizun is so very beautiful, even like this. That many of his lives didn’t notice this, couldn’t appreciate it, is a tragedy. Luo Binghe wipes away sweat and lovingly tends to his ailing shizun until the fever finally breaks four days later.

Luo Binghe is already in tears before Shen Qingqiu lifts a weak hand to his cheek and smiles. “Ah… My Binghe is doing so well.”

“A-Yuan,” Luo Binghe whines, rubbing his face against that cool hand. The flush that rises on Shen Qingqiu’s cheeks makes him even more beautiful.

“I told you we’d be back together again,” he says.

That night, Shen Qingqiu tells him about Proud Immortal Demon Way and so many things fall into place about his master’s actions during the first loop. He dies in pain and bleeding in Luo Binghe’s arms after calling him his favorite character.

There’s no reason for Luo Binghe to linger. He breaks his seal, goes to the demon realm, and it takes only a day for him to find the artifact he needs, the one that will imbue his next life with remnants of this one. As it is, it won’t give him the clarity of memory that he so desperately needs. He spends half a year strengthening the effect to its highest potential and then activates it. Almost immediately after, he takes one of the very few poisons that actually work on heavenly demons.

Luo Binghe doesn’t survive that.

---

When Luo Binghe is fourteen years old, his shizun-

Luo Binghe wakes in the woodshed with centuries of memories in his head and immediately goes to the bamboo house to be with his shizun.

When Luo Binghe enters the bedroom, Shen Qingqiu is still in the throes of fever. His skin is pale and cheeks rosy from the heat, a layer of sweat on his forehead. His hair has been pulled into the simplest of queues to keep it out of the way. Luo Binghe sits at the edge of the bed and stares down at him. He wipes away sweat and lovingly tends to his ailing shizun until the fever finally breaks four days later.

Luo Binghe can’t help himself. The moment Shen Qingqiu looks at him with clarity, Luo Binghe has to kiss him with desperate insistence. Shen Qingqiu allows it for only a moment before pushing him back.

“Not yet,” he says, flushed and full of soft affection. “Binghe is still a child.”

“This Binghe is older than you are,” Luo Binghe points out but Shen Qingqiu dismisses it.

That night, Shen Qingqiu tells him about the System and the Endless Abyss finally makes sense. He dies in pain and bleeding in Luo Binghe’s arms after apologizing for choosing his own life over Luo Binghe’s happiness with tears in his eyes.

There’s no reason for Luo Binghe to linger. He breaks his seal, goes to the demon realm, and it takes only a day for him to find the artifact he needs, the one that will imbue his next life with remnants of this one. As it is, it won’t give him the clarity of memory that he so desperately needs. He spends a month strengthening the effect to its highest potential and then activates it. Almost immediately after, he takes one of the very few poisons that actually work on heavenly demons.

Luo Binghe doesn’t survive that.

---

When Luo Binghe is fourteen years old, he wakes in the woodshed with centuries of memories in his head and immediately goes to the bamboo house to be with his shizun.

When Luo Binghe enters the bedroom, Shen Qingqiu is still in the throes of fever. His skin is pale and cheeks rosy from the heat, a layer of sweat on his forehead. His hair has been pulled into the simplest of queues to keep it out of the way. Luo Binghe sits at the edge of the bed and stares down at him. He wipes away sweat and lovingly tends to his ailing shizun until the fever finally breaks four days later.

“Is there more?” he asks anxiously when Shen Qingqiu finally looks at him with clarity. “Does this disciple have to watch Shizun die again?”

Shen Qingqiu’s eyes soften and he takes Luo Binghe’s face in his hands, rubbing his thumbs along his cheekbones. “It may happen again as we make our plans.”

Luo Binghe buries his face against his master’s shoulder. They lay like that most of the day so he can cuddle into Shen Qingqiu’s arms. It’s nice being able to when he’s so small, when his shizun can cradle him like he’s the most precious thing in the world. It’s nice the other way, too, but Luo Binghe desperately wishes he could stay like this anyway.

That night, Luo Binghe doesn’t let Shen Qingqiu say anything that might catch the System’s ire. He needs more time, needs to feel his shizun alive and whole against him, heart beating strong against his ear as Luo Binghe rests his head on Shen Qingqiu’s chest. It’s just one night, but Shen Qingqiu doesn’t protest giving that to him.

The next day, Luo Binghe dotes on Shen Qingqiu as he had when he was a child. It would be better if Yue Qingyuan and Mu Qingfang didn’t stay so long but at least Luo Binghe gets his shizun all to himself after.

Even as he goes through the motions of domesticity he so dearly has missed without knowing it, Luo Binghe plans. He lays out the things he knows in his mind, tumbles them together to figure out how they all fit, and then throws himself into research.

His first attempt to destroy the System goes badly. Shen Qingqiu dies in pain and bleeding in Luo Binghe’s arms after professing his love.

There’s no reason for Luo Binghe to linger. He breaks his seal, goes to the demon realm, and it takes only a day for him to find the artifact he needs, the one that will imbue his next life with remnants of this one. As it is, it won’t give him the clarity of memory that he so desperately needs. He spends a month strengthening the effect to its highest potential and then activates it. Almost immediately after, he takes one of the very few poisons that actually work on heavenly demons.

Luo Binghe doesn’t survive that.

---

When Luo Binghe is fourteen years old, he wakes in the woodshed with centuries of memories in his head and immediately goes to the bamboo house to be with his shizun.It takes four days for Shen Qingqiu’s fever to break.

“I’ll do better this time,” Luo Binghe promises with Shen Qingqiu’s hands held lovingly in his own. “I’ll free you.”

“Binghe can do anything he sets his mind to,” Shen Qingqiu agrees with a soft smile. It makes it impossible for Luo Binghe not to kiss him as much as his shizun allows.

His next attempt to destroy the System goes badly. Shen Qingqiu dies in pain and bleeding in Luo Binghe’s arms after professing his love.

There’s no reason for Luo Binghe to linger. He breaks his seal, goes to the demon realm, and it takes only a day for him to find the artifact he needs, the one that will imbue his next life with remnants of this one. As it is, it won’t give him the clarity of memory that he so desperately needs. He spends a month strengthening the effect to its highest potential and then activates it. Almost immediately after, he takes one of the very few poisons that actually work on heavenly demons.

Luo Binghe doesn’t survive that.

---

When Luo Binghe is fourteen years old, he wakes in the woodshed with centuries of memories in his head and immediately goes to the bamboo house to be with his shizun.It takes four days for Shen Qingqiu’s fever to break.

“Binghe looks tired,” Shen Qingqiu says as he pets stray hairs back from Luo Binghe’s face. “Maybe he should rest this time.”

“I can rest when this is over.”

His next attempt to destroy the System goes badly. Shen Qingqiu dies in pain and bleeding in Luo Binghe’s arms after professing his love.

There’s no reason for Luo Binghe to linger. He breaks his seal, goes to the demon realm, and it takes only a day for him to find the artifact he needs, the one that will imbue his next life with remnants of this one. As it is, it won’t give him the clarity of memory that he so desperately needs. He spends a month strengthening the effect to its highest potential and then activates it. Almost immediately after, he takes one of the very few poisons that actually work on heavenly demons.

Luo Binghe doesn’t survive that.

---

When Luo Binghe is fourteen years old, he wakes in the woodshed with centuries of memories in his head and immediately goes to the bamboo house to be with his shizun. He doesn’t wait for Shen Qingqiu to wake before making his next attempt to destroy the System.

It goes badly. Shen Qingqiu dies in pain and bleeding, but at least he’s too delirious to know it.

There’s no reason for Luo Binghe to linger. He breaks his seal, goes to the demon realm, and it takes only a day for him to find the artifact he needs, the one that will imbue his next life with remnants of this one. As it is, it won’t give him the clarity of memory that he so desperately needs. He spends a month strengthening the effect to its highest potential and then activates it. Almost immediately after, he takes one of the very few poisons that actually work on heavenly demons.

Luo Binghe doesn’t survive that.

---

When Luo Binghe is fourteen years old, he wakes in the woodshed with centuries of memories in his head and immediately goes to the bamboo house to be with his shizun. He doesn’t wait for Shen Qingqiu to wake before making his next attempt to destroy the System.

It goes badly. Shen Qingqiu dies in pain and bleeding, but at least he’s too senseless to know it.

There’s no reason for Luo Binghe to linger. He breaks his seal, goes to the demon realm, and it takes only a day for him to find the artifact he needs, the one that will imbue his next life with remnants of this one. As it is, it won’t give him the clarity of memory that he so desperately needs. He spends a month strengthening the effect to its highest potential and then activates it. Almost immediately after, he takes one of the very few poisons that actually work on heavenly demons.

Luo Binghe doesn’t survive that.

---

When Luo Binghe is fourteen years old, he wakes in the woodshed with centuries of memories in his head and immediately goes to the bamboo house to be with his shizun. He doesn’t wait for Shen Qingqiu to wake before making his next attempt to destroy the System.

It goes badly. Shen Qingqiu dies in pain and bleeding, but at least he’s too delirious to know it.

There’s no reason for Luo Binghe to linger. He breaks his seal, goes to the demon realm, and it takes only a day for him to find the artifact he needs, the one that will imbue his next life with remnants of this one. As it is, it won’t give him the clarity of memory that he so desperately needs. He spends a month strengthening the effect to its highest potential and then activates it. Almost immediately after, he takes one of the very few poisons that actually work on heavenly demons.

Luo Binghe doesn’t survive that.

---

When Luo Binghe is fourteen years old, he wakes in the woodshed with centuries of memories in his head and immediately goes to the bamboo house to be with his shizun. It takes four days for Shen Qingqiu’s fever to break.

“This lowly one doesn’t deserve Shizun’s faith,” Luo Binghe says when Shen Qingqiu finally looks at him with clarity. “He is useless to Shizun.”

“Nonsense,” Shen Qingqiu says as he takes Luo Binghe’s face in his hands, rubbing his thumbs along his cheekbones. “This master only wishes he could take the burden from Binghe, that he succeeded before Binghe had to try.”

His next attempt to destroy the System goes badly. Shen Qingqiu dies in pain and bleeding in Luo Binghe’s arms after professing his love.

There’s no reason for Luo Binghe to linger. He breaks his seal, goes to the demon realm, and it takes only a day for him to find the artifact he needs, the one that will imbue his next life with remnants of this one. As it is, it won’t give him the clarity of memory that he so desperately needs. He spends a month strengthening the effect to its highest potential and then activates it. Almost immediately after, he takes one of the very few poisons that actually work on heavenly demons.

Luo Binghe doesn’t survive that.

---

When Luo Binghe is fourteen years old, he wakes in the woodshed with centuries of memories in his head and immediately goes to the bamboo house to be with his shizun. He doesn’t wait for Shen Qingqiu to wake before making his next attempt to destroy the System.

It goes badly. Shen Qingqiu dies in pain and bleeding, but at least he’s too delirious to know it.

There’s no reason for Luo Binghe to linger. He breaks his seal, goes to the demon realm, and it takes only a day for him to find the artifact he needs, the one that will imbue his next life with remnants of this one. As it is, it won’t give him the clarity of memory that he so desperately needs. He spends a month strengthening the effect to its highest potential and then activates it. Almost immediately after, he takes one of the very few poisons that actually work on heavenly demons.

Luo Binghe doesn’t survive that.

---

When Luo Binghe is fourteen years old, he wakes in the woodshed with centuries of memories in his head and immediately goes to the bamboo house to be with his shizun. He doesn’t wait for Shen Qingqiu to wake before going to talk to the System.

Luo Binghe enters Shen Qingqiu’s dreamspace. With as senseless as his master is with fever, it’s a chaotic mess that Luo Binghe must soothe before he can go on. He finally does, reaching for the part of Shen Qingqiu’s mind that isn’t quite himself.

“This can’t go on,” Luo Binghe says and a shining blue box opens up in front of him, white characters filling it.

[Protagonist is welcome to return to the narrative.]

“You won’t let the story end.”

[The story will end when Protagonist is victorious.]

Luo Binghe scoffs but he doesn’t try to tear the box apart. That resulted in immediate death when he tried it last time. This is only the third time he’s met with the System and he doesn’t know how Shen Qingqiu could stand it over those long, long years.

“What is the victory condition?” Luo Binghe asks, despite having done so before.

[Protagonist must “get it right” and strengthen the narrative of the story. Please continue working hard!]

The words do little for Luo Binghe’s foul mood. Hasn’t he been trying to do that in his attempts to free Shen Qingqiu from the tyrannical rule of this capricious being?

When Luo Binghe leaves the dreamscape, Shen Qingqiu is just coming out of the fever. He smiles as he recognizes Luo Binghe, no matter that Luo Binghe is still failing him even now.

“Binghe looks tired,” Shen Qingqiu says as he pets stray hairs back from Luo Binghe’s face. “Maybe he should rest this time.”

Luo Binghe buries his face against his master’s shoulder. They lay like that most of the day so he can cuddle into Shen Qingqiu’s arms. It’s nice being able to when he’s so small, when his shizun can cradle him like he’s the most precious thing in the world. It’s nice the other way, too, but Luo Binghe desperately wishes he could stay like this anyway.

He doesn’t try to destroy the System. Not yet, anyway. He’s too heartsore to even think about it.

“We’re taking this loop off,” Shen Qingqiu decides the next morning after they wake up in each others’ arms. And so they do.

The years he spends living in the bamboo house, taking care of his shizun, are absolutely his best in memory. Every time his shizun compliments his cooking, every time he allows Luo Binghe to do his hair, every time he smiles, Luo Binghe feels weak and falls even more hopelessly in love. He prays it never ends, even as he counts down the years, months, weeks, days when he will be old enough that Shen Qingqiu lets him touch him the way he wishes.

And then the Immortal Alliance Conference happens and this, Luo Binghe remembers. This, he now understands. Drawing Shen Qingqiu into a kiss that has his master squawking about impropriety, Luo Binghe flings himself into the abyss because to refuse is to end Shen Qingqiu’s life.

It takes him a year to find Xin Mo and escape. He doesn’t bother subjugating the demon realm and instead goes immediately home. Shen Qingqiu takes the dangerous sword from him to lock away under the most powerful wards either of them know, and then Luo Binghe takes him to his bed. It feels like forever since the last time Luo Binghe was able to touch Shen Qingqiu and he thinks his shizun feels the same with how eagerly they come together.

They have two years together. Then Mobei-jun leads an all out attack on Huan Hua Palace and decimates them. He doesn’t stop there, taking out sect after sect. The forces of Cang Qiong Mountain sect join the fray and Shen Qingqiu must go, no matter how Luo Binghe protests. All Luo Binghe can do is go with him.

A stray ice lance pieces Shen Qingqiu through the heart. He dies before he hits the ground and there is nothing Luo Binghe can do about it.

There’s no reason for Luo Binghe to linger. Once he’s murdered Mobei-jun, he goes to the demon realm and it takes only a day for him to find the artifact he needs, the one that will imbue his next life with remnants of this one. As it is, it won’t give him the clarity of memory that he so desperately needs. He spends a month strengthening the effect to its highest potential and then activates it. Almost immediately after, he takes one of the very few poisons that actually work on heavenly demons.

Luo Binghe doesn’t survive that.

---

When Luo Binghe is fourteen years old, his shizun suffers a terrible qi deviation and fever that completely changes who he is. The abusive tyrant is instead replaced by an astoundingly kind man who doesn’t seem to know how kind he is. Whether Shen Qingqiu ever figures that out or not, Luo Binghe vows to protect this precious man for the rest of his days.

There’s a mutual decision not to try again this time.

The years he spends living in the bamboo house, taking care of his shizun, are absolutely his best in memory. Every time his shizun compliments his cooking, every time he allows Luo Binghe to do his hair, every time he smiles, Luo Binghe feels weak and falls even more hopelessly in love. He prays it never ends, even as he counts down the years, months, weeks, days when he will be old enough that Shen Qingqiu lets him touch him the way he wishes.

And then the Immortal Alliance Conference happens and this, Luo Binghe remembers. This, he now understands. Drawing Shen Qingqiu into a kiss that has his master squawking about impropriety, Luo Binghe flings himself into the abyss because to refuse is to end Shen Qingqiu’s life.

It takes him a year to find Xin Mo and escape. When he gets out of the Abyss, he puts the entire demon realm under his heel. The north falls a lot faster than the south, having already been mostly under one ruler, but he perseveres. As soon as the last tribe falls under his rule, he returns to the human realm. He thinks now his shizun will be safe.

Shen Qingqiu welcomes him with open arms. He takes the dangerous sword from Luo Binghe to lock away under the most powerful wards either of them know, and then Luo Binghe takes him to his bed. It feels like forever since the last time Luo Binghe was able to touch Shen Qingqiu and he thinks his shizun feels the same with how eagerly they come together.

Rooting out the evidence of Lao Gongzhu’s wrongdoing is simple when Luo Binghe knows where to look. He takes Lao Gongzhu down bloodlessly and presents him to Mobei-jun for execution. He doesn’t think he’s ever seen Mobei-jun so pleased.

Then, Luo Binghe scours the forest surrounding Lushui lake for Zhuzhi-lang and removes him before he can be dangerous to Shen Qingqiu. Breaking into his father’s prison under Bailu mountain next would be more difficult if Luo Binghe didn’t have so many lives and memories to draw from. Tianlang-jun barely opens his eyes before Luo Binghe removes every trace of his father from existence.

As he holds Shen Qingqiu to his chest that night, Luo Binghe wonders if he’s finally done it. If he’s finally made things right and the loops will stop. He doesn’t want to court fate by killing himself to find out, but he still needs…

Luo Binghe enters Shen Qingqiu’s dreamspace and reaches for the part of Shen Qingqiu’s mind that isn’t quite himself.

“Are you satisfied?” he asks the System.

[Protagonist has made great strides on his way to the end!]

That doesn’t sound like a confirmation. Luo Binghe ‘s hand tightens on the hilt of his reconstructed Zheng Yang. “What more do you want?”

[Current mission “Earn Your Happy Ending: Try, Try, Try Again” is 99% complete.]

Mission… What a stupid way to describe the loops and the hell they’ve wrought. Luo Binghe hates this stupid thing more than he’s ever hated anything else, including himself. “How do I earn it?”

[Protagonist must “get it right” and strengthen the narrative of the story. Please continue working hard!]

Luo Binghe realizes then that the System will never be done with them. He’d been right from the start. The only way they’ll be free is to destroy the System somehow without losing their lives.

As rage fills him, Luo Binghe tears the box apart and reaches for the thing beyond it, only to be forcefully ejected from Shen Qingqiu’s dreamscape. Back in bed, Shen Qingqiu is already bleeding as Luo Binghe gathers him in his arms.

“I’m sorry,” Luo Binghe murmurs. “I’m so sorry, this lowly one couldn’t stop-”

“Binghe has done nothing wrong,” Shen Qingqiu says even as the blood drips from the corners of his eyes.

“It said the mission is almost finished. We’re almost free.”

The light is fading from Shen Qingqiu’s eyes as Luo Binghe takes a last kiss, and then Shen Qingqiu’s last breath professes his love.

There’s no reason for Luo Binghe to linger. He goes to the demon realm and it takes only a day for him to find the artifact he needs, the one that will imbue his next life with remnants of this one. As it is, it won’t give him the clarity of memory that he so desperately needs. He spends a month strengthening the effect to its highest potential and then activates it.

This has to be the last time, Luo Binghe decides. He can’t take losing his shizun again. He can’t take failing him again. The next loop, he will be victorious.

Closing his eyes, he takes one of the very few poisons that actually work on heavenly demons.

Luo Binghe doesn’t survive that.

Chapter Text

When Luo Binghe is fourteen years old, his shizun suffers a terrible-

Luo Binghe wakes in the woodshed with centuries of memories in his head and immediately goes to the bamboo house to be with his shizun.

When Luo Binghe enters the bedroom, Shen Qingqiu is still in the throes of fever. His skin is pale and cheeks rosy from the heat, a layer of sweat on his forehead. His hair has been pulled into the simplest of queues to keep it out of the way. Luo Binghe sits at the edge of the bed and stares down at him.

As Shen Qingqiu mutters and whimpers in his delirium, he says Luo Binghe’s name like a prayer and a plea both.

“I’m here,” Luo Binghe says, soft as he pets the loose, shorter strands of hair away from Shen Qingqiu’s forehead. “I’m here, Shizun.”

His shizun is so very beautiful, even like this. That many of his lives didn’t notice this, couldn’t appreciate it, is a tragedy. Luo Binghe wipes away sweat and lovingly tends to his ailing shizun until the fever finally breaks four days later.

Luo Binghe can’t help himself. The moment Shen Qingqiu looks at him with clarity, Luo Binghe has to kiss him with desperate insistence. Shen Qingqiu allows it for only a moment before pushing him back.

“Not yet,” he says, flushed and full of soft affection. “Binghe is still a child.”

“This Binghe is older than you are,” Luo Binghe points out but Shen Qingqiu dismisses it.

“We need to figure out how to finish the mission,” he says to avoid the subject, growing more serious.

Luo Binghe recounts every word of his conversations with the System, watching Shen Qingqiu roll his eyes at the name of their unfinished mission before pestering him for more details. There’s not much to go on. He spends a lot of that first day deep in thought with Luo Binghe curled up against him anytime Yue Qingyuan and Mu Qingfang aren’t around to get in the way.

“‘Strengthen the narrative of the story’,” Shen Qingqiu mutters to himself after they’ve had dinner. Luo Binghe doesn’t even have to ask to know he’s welcome in his shizun’s bed, as long as he keeps his hands to himself. That is quite difficult when he has vivid memories of just how good it feels to touch him.

“It kept calling me protagonist,” Luo Binghe reminds him, mostly so Shen Qingqiu won’t notice the way he’s tracing little designs against Shen Qingqiu’s chest. Only a couple layers of robes between them…

“The wording is important. Has to be. Fucking bastard likes doublespeak.” The vulgarity out of Shizun’s mouth is delightful. Luo Binghe cherishes every bit of it with glee. Only he gets to see Shen Qingqiu so relaxed. “If it’s a story… Usually, theme is important, some kind of message. Something to connect the whole thing.”

“Like a lesson?”

“Hm. Maybe, if this is some kind of Aesop shit.”

Whatever it is, they’ll figure it out. Luo Binghe has confidence in his shizun’s genius and his own not negligible mind as well.

Once Shen Qingqiu has healed enough to manage, he returns to his peak lord duties. There are still disciples he needs to craft personalized training plans for, martial brothers and sisters to assure he’s not going to die. It’s all very time consuming and very annoying and Luo Binghe would much rather just go back to laying in bed with Shen Qingqiu all day. That doesn’t mean he has any intention of leaving his shizun’s side of course!

By the second day out of his sickbed, Shen Qingqiu had gotten most of what he needs to do out of the way. That leaves ample time for the two of them to brainstorm and think through possible ways to clear the last 1% of the mission that Luo Binghe’s stupidity had put in motion. He still hadn’t actually told Shen Qingqiu that he’s the reason this started. The omission of truth feels heavy in his gut but he needs… He can’t stand the idea that Shizun might…

If Shizun knows that Luo Binghe is the reason he’s been stuck in this hellish loop, what if he decides Luo Binghe is just too much of a burden? What if he leaves?

It might be too much.

Luo Binghe can’t tell him.

They’ve been going around in circles for months when Sha Hualing leads her attack on Qiong Ding and destroys the rainbow bridge. Things play out much the same as their first life. Three rounds, a sound victory, and Shen Qingqiu poisoned. At least this time, Luo Binghe knows exactly how to cure it but Shen Qingqiu waves him off.

“This master has learned how to deal with it well enough for Binghe to come of age,” he says, and it’s even more irritating than the other times because there’s no reason for Shizun to suffer when he’s right there. But no amount of tears or whining changes Shen Qingqiu’s mind. It makes Luo Binghe wonder more about the world he came from and whether everyone there is as disagreeable as Shen Qingqiu can be.

The year after that, Luo Binghe mostly spends on night hunts that take him suspiciously close to various places he wants to look into for potential ways to break the loop. If he spends more time pouring over ancient scrolls than actually killing the creatures he’s come for, well, it’s only because he’s just that efficient. Each time he comes back, he tries not to let the disappointment of failure settle too heavy on his mind. Seeing Shen Qingqiu’s smile certainly helps.

He’s just barely seventeen when Shen Qingqiu sits up suddenly in bed with a horrified gasp and then a groan. He’s buried his face in his hands by the time Luo Binghe pushes himself up.

“Shizun?”

“I am a fucking idiot.”

What?! “Shizun-”

“I can’t believe I missed it. How stupid do I have to be to not think of this before?

Luo Binghe wraps an arm around Shen Qingqiu’s shoulders, trying to give him some amount of comfort as he complains about himself. He knows from experience that once his shizun gets into one of these stints, it’s easier to just let him work through it and comfort him after-

“When you’ve got a story problem,” Shen Qingqiu mutters into his hands, “you need a writer.”

This makes absolutely no sense to Luo Binghe, but he’s fairly sure Shen Qingqiu is just being unnecessarily hard on himself. Glancing toward the window, Luo Binghe sees the barest hint of light starting to filter into the sky. Time for him to get up but Shen Qingqiu usually sleeps later.

He doesn’t that morning. They go through the bare minimum of getting cleaned up for the day before Luo Binghe is hopping onto Shen Qingqiu’s sword and they head off to… An Ding? Is there a writer among the disciples? Luo Binghe is familiar with Liu Mingyan’s work in a few years, but anyone else-

They drop down at the An Ding peak lord’s office and Shen Qingqiu doesn’t even knock before throwing open the doors. Luo Binghe hears a squawk from inside as he hurries to follow Shen Qingqiu in.

“Cu- uh, Shen-Shixiong, this is quite the sudden visit,” Shang Qinghua says from behind his paper covered desk. He’s as nervous as ever, just the way Luo Binghe remembers him from so many lives before. Even after the ones when Shang Qinghua raised him as his own, Luo Binghe’s loyalty has and will always be with Shen Qingqiu first.

“Wife #295!” Shen Qingqiu spits out angrily, and Shang Qinghua’s eyes wide as they dart between both of them.

“The… the snowed in cabin?” Shang Qinghua asks.

“No, no, that’s wife #846, long after you’d lost any amount of literary integrity-”

“I would have starved!”

“I don’t see how that’s my problem.”

The bickering is familiar enough to put warmth in Luo Binghe’s chest. Sure, he’d never enjoyed being on the outside of things and not understanding their references, but… It was always nice to see Shen Qingqiu feeling comfortable enough to be himself. There is no one he does this more with than Shang Qinghua, in a different way than with Luo Binghe. Now that he knows where Shen Qingqiu came from, it suddenly makes sense.

“He’s like you,” Luo Binghe says and Shen Qingqiu stiffens a moment before sighing.

“Yes, yes, he’s like me,” he confirms and then points his fan at Shang Qinghua with enough force to make the man startle back. “Now! Wife #295. The Groundhog’s Day plot.”

Shang Qinghua stares in silence for a few seconds before understanding flares into his face. “Oh. Oh shit, dude.”

“Yes, oh shit indeed. Now how the fuck do we get out of it?”

Side eyeing Luo Binghe, Shang Qinghua starts pulling at his fingers and hesitantly asks, “So, is this like a Madoka type thing and you-know-who is Homura-ing the shit out of it? Or a Butterfly Effect director’s cut thing that got stumbled into?”

“Maybe more Edge of Tomorrow, so punching out early doesn’t help.”

It’s always amazing how Luo Binghe can understand most of the words between them but has no context for others and none of it is in a configuration that makes any sense. Shang Qinghua seems to understand it just fine. But he would if they’d come from the same place. At least now, Luo Binghe has some kind of understanding of why the two of them had become such close friends while he’d been in the Abyss.

“How, uh. How long so far?” Shang Qinghua asks.

“Doesn’t matter,” Shen Qingqiu says. “It’s been… It’s been long enough. We’ve earned our fucking happy ending. The System says this mission is 99% finished but we don’t know how to get the last point.”

Shang Qinghua’s gaze goes far away as he starts thinking through the information Shen Qingqiu has gotten across to him in their strange dialect. It’s a state Luo Binghe has seen here and there, and he knows it’s best to leave him to it. Instead, Luo Binghe leans against Shen Qingqiu’s side, gratified by the way his shizun absently starts finger combing his hair.

“Can’t believe he got wife #295 mixed up with wife #846. I haven’t read the thing in probably centuries and I still remember them,” Shen Qingqiu grumbles and Luo Binghe loves him even more than a minute ago.

"What did the System say exactly?” Shang Qinghua asks and Luo Binghe recounts every conversation he’s had with it word for word. Shen Qingqiu does the same and it sounds like the System had spent a lot more of its time actively taunting him instead of the implicit way it had Luo Binghe.

Shang Qinghua’s brows furrow with the intensity of his thoughts and then he has them recount as many of the loops as they can remember. The avid way Shang Qinghua listens seems a lot more like how he does with Mobei-jun, if less terrified. Like he’s desperate not to miss any little detail. Luo Binghe swears, watching the two of them dance around each other got old by the third loop he remembered.

When the two of them finish, Shang Qinghua takes it all in and then scrambles for some paper and a sharpened charcoal stick. Writing soon covers the page, little snippets of thought with arrows pointing to other things and a few scribbles that might be pictures instead of words. Half the characters look almost like a different language entirely.

They mostly leave him to it. Shen Qingqiu sits down at the small table Shang Qinghua keeps in there for entertaining guests and Luo Binghe goes on a search for the makings of tea. What he finds is far worse quality than what he normally offers his shizun, but he does his best to make it at least somewhat bearable. Shen Qingqiu looks appreciative, anyway.

Abruptly, Shang Qinghua slams his hands down on the table, making Shen Qingqiu twitch and Luo Binghe consider tearing off Shang Qinghua’s arms.

“So, the loops are centered around Lord Luo, as evidenced by the fact that they only end when he dies,” Shang Qinghua says, as if they didn’t already know that, “but Shen Qingqiu is the one that started out actually experiencing them.”

“What a revelation,” Shen Qingqiu says dryly.

“What triggered it?” Shang Qinghua continues, his voice gaining some strength. “There has to be an instigating event. Which one of you is getting punished here?”

Luo Binghe’s entire body goes deadly still. At his side, Shen Qingqiu is too busy giving Shang Qinghua the most exasperated scowl imaginable.

“That’s the stupidest- of course it’s me,” Shen Qingqiu huffs out. “Have some sense, Airplane! I’m the one that couldn’t pull a happy ending out of my ass the first time! …Or any since.”

But Shang Qinghua isn’t looking at Shen Qingqiu anymore. His eyes have locked onto Luo Binghe’s face. Realization shows in them but he doesn’t say it aloud. Even though Luo Binghe isn’t Junshang yet, Shang Qinghua seems to already know he’s better off going with Luo Binghe’s lead.

“Cucumber-bro has never outlived Lord Luo,” Shang Qinghua says. “So, which one of you is getting punished?”

Luo Binghe feels Shen Qingqiu’s gaze burning into him but can’t make himself return it.

“What does that even mean?” Shen Qingqiu bursts out after several minutes of silence. “Why would the System punish Binghe? He’s the protagonist! He’s supposed to move and dictate the story, right?”

Shang Qinghua doesn’t look away from Luo Binghe. “What happens when he fails to deliver the story that the System wanted?”

“You can’t be seriously considering…” Hands whip out to grab Luo Binghe’s face, forcing it around to meet Shen Qingqiu’s suddenly very distressed eyes. “Oh, no. Don’t you dare do what I know you just thought about!”

“If all it would take is him dying first, this disciple is happy to do so,” Luo Binghe says, which only distressed Shen Qingqiu more.

“And what if it does work, ah?! Where does that leave me? Without…”

Love flares deep and full in Luo Binghe as Shen Qingqiu’s expression crumbles and he can’t help but smile, even leaning in to steal what little of a kiss Shen Qingqiu will let him have in this young of a body. This man… For all that Shen Qingqiu is terrible at verbalizing his love except when desperate and out of his mind, it’s easy to see if one looks.

Far too soon, Shang Qinghua clears his throat and Luo Binghe considers murdering him again.

“I don’t think… uh. I doubt it’d work if Lord Luo does it himself,” he says, tugging at his fingers again. “That’s not narratively satisfying for this kind of arc.”

“Thank you for having a worthwhile thought for once,” Shen Qingqiu snarls at Shang Qinghua, still holding Luo Binghe’s face in his hands. “See? Binghe better not be getting any stupid ideas!”

Personally, Luo Binghe doesn’t think it’s stupid at all. “So, what would be a more satisfying death?”

“Oh. Well. Probably doing something heroic,” Shang Qinghua says with a shrug. “Probably something having to do with Cu- Shen-shixiong.”

So, Luo Binghe’s best option is to stick to Shen Qingqiu’s side. Shen Qingqiu always lives through his time in the Abyss if they get that far, but Luo Binghe has watched Shen Qingqiu die after that over and over with nothing he could do to stop it. If he has to die doing something heroic involving Shen Qingqiu, he’ll just have to be on the lookout for chances and keep Shen Qingqiu alive until he finds the right one.

They go back to the bamboo house and this time, it’s Shen Qingqiu who kisses him full on the mouth. Luo Binghe’s plenty willing to do more than that, but it doesn’t escalate and his shizun looks guilty for having gone that far already as he presses their foreheads together.

“Binghe cannot risk himself unnecessarily for this master,” he says.

Luo Binghe is fine agreeing with this because the two of them have wildly different ideas on what’s unnecessary and what isn’t.

The rest of the year he spends living in the bamboo house, taking care of his shizun, is absolutely the best in memory. Every time his shizun compliments his cooking, every time he allows Luo Binghe to do his hair, every time he smiles, Luo Binghe feels weak and falls even more hopelessly in love. He wishes it would never end, even as he counts down the years, months, weeks, days when he will be old enough that Shen Qingqiu lets him touch him the way he wishes.

And then the Immortal Alliance Conference happens and this, Luo Binghe remembers. This, he knows how to handle. Drawing Shen Qingqiu into a kiss that has his master squawking about impropriety, Luo Binghe flings himself into the abyss because to refuse is to end Shen Qingqiu’s life.

It takes him barely six months to find Xin Mo and escape. When he gets out of the Abyss, he puts the entire demon realm under his heel. The north falls a lot faster than the south, having already been mostly under one ruler, but he perseveres. As soon as the last tribe falls under his rule, he returns to the human realm. He thinks now it’s time to make sure his shizun survives the rest of their lives.

Shen Qingqiu welcomes him with open arms. He takes the dangerous sword from Luo Binghe to lock away under the most powerful wards either of them know, and then Luo Binghe takes him to his bed. It feels like forever since the last time Luo Binghe was able to touch Shen Qingqiu and he thinks his shizun feels the same with how eagerly they come together.

As they lay together in the afterglow, Shen Qingqiu quietly asks to be infected with Luo Binghe’s blood parasites, giving him the ability to always know where his shizun is, and calls it a wedding present. The tears this inspires don’t stop for a long time after. They, perhaps, spend more time in bed than not for the first several weeks.

Everything seems to be falling into place. Luo Binghe couldn’t love Shen Qingqiu more than he does now and the feeling is mutual. Everytime his shizun looks at him, Luo Binghe is filled with only warmth and happiness. Now, it’s just making sure to take care of the loose ends he knows can kill Shen Qingqiu.

Rooting out the evidence of the Huan Hua Palace Master’s wrongdoing is simple when Luo Binghe knows where to look. He takes Lao Gongzhu down bloodlessly and presents him to Mobei-jun for execution. He doesn’t think he’s ever seen Mobei-jun so pleased.

Then, Luo Binghe scours the forest surrounding Lushui lake for Zhuzhi-lang and removes him before he can be dangerous to Shen Qingqiu. Breaking into his father’s prison under Bailu mountain next would be more difficult if Luo Binghe didn’t have so many lives and memories to draw from. Tianlang-jun barely opens his eyes before Luo Binghe removes every trace of his father from existence.

Linguang-jun represents another boon for Mobei-jun but Luo Binghe has never resisted making his subordinates owe him. He only tore off Linguang-jun’s legs before he dropped him off at Mobei-jun’s feet. The edge of stress that had been reaching Mobei-jun’s eyes the last few weeks clears up and he takes care of the rest.

As he holds Shen Qingqiu to his chest that night, Luo Binghe wonders when this will end. He doesn’t want to court fate by finding ways to die heroically just to find out, but he still needs… Something. Closure, maybe. It feels so perfectly neat and tidy. He’s kept Shen Qingqiu alive nearly as long as the longest loop when they’d done the Abyss together.

“It’s worse leaving Shizun alone now than it was before,” Luo Binghe says one day as he sits on Shang Qinghua’s desk, ignoring the mess he’s making of the documents. “At least this lord knew what could happen before. What if fate comes after him while I’m not looking?”

“Well, uh. That’s kind of the rub of it, you know?” Shang Qinghua sneaks a glance at him and then looks right back to the budget report he’d been correcting since Luo Binghe got there. “If the characters in a story know what’s coming, isn’t it kind of boring? Where’s the challenge?”

Luo Binghe would much prefer his life with a lot less challenge, thank you.

“What if it doesn’t work and the loop just starts again once we’re both dead?” he asks, looking down at his hands. “What if I’ve trapped him in an eternal hell?”

There’s an uncomfortable silence before Shang Qinghua says, “Downer endings are kind of… Well, they’re meant to make a point. To make people feel some kind of way about something.”

He pauses there, choosing his next words with just as much care.

“If you’re concerned about how… how climate change could affect the world as a whole but you think people aren’t being serious about it, you write a story about what those effects could be and how we’re all gonna die and there’s no saving us because people kept ignoring it back when they could have made a difference,” he continues. “Or, if you’re afraid of governmental overreach using some brand new thing to make people unthinking sheep, you write a story about them burning their history and willingly blinding themselves to what’s really going on. So, then whoever’s reading these stories thinks maybe they should do something about it now because they don’t want to end up that way.”

“What’s my story trying to get across?” Luo Binghe asks, looking over at him. “What’s it trying to teach?”

Shang Qinghua opens his mouth a moment and then closes it without managing to say anything. The air feels heavier in that lack of response than if it had been filled. There are things Shang Qinghua and Shen Qingqiu say sometimes that make him think Shang Qinghua isn’t just a writer. He’s… Well. Maybe Luo Binghe doesn’t want to put much consideration into what that means.

“It’s nothing so deep as that,” Shang Qinghua says finally, hands stuffed in his lap and eyes averted. “Lord Luo’s story is about perseverance and revenge and…”

Before Luo Binghe can think of anything to say to that, Shang Qinghua lifts his head.

“And loneliness, even when you’re surrounded by other people,” he adds with sudden vehemence that chills Luo Binghe to the core. “About what loneliness and isolation does to someone who… Someone who never knew true kindness.”

“But I did know true kindness,” Luo Binghe insists. “Shizun-”

“Yeah. This you did. But not the one I wrote.”

The confirmation does not make Luo Binghe feel any better. He almost wants to kill Shang Qinghua to see what might happen, but that could put Shen Qingqiu at risk and Luo Binghe isn’t willing to do that.

“So, what’s this Binghe’s story about?” he asks finally.

Shang Qinghua shrugs his shoulder. “I don’t know. It isn’t at the end yet. Could be any number of things.”

Scoffing, Luo Binghe hops off his desk and goes back to Qing Jing, but the words never manage to leave his mind. Even as he holds his sleeping shizun in his arms that night, they still haven’t. The story isn’t at the end yet. He had no idea what the end might even look like.

Luo Binghe enters Shen Qingqiu’s dreamspace. With as calm and serene as his master is, Luo Binghe has to fight not to join it and instead move on. He finally does, reaching for the part of Shen Qingqiu’s mind that isn’t quite himself.

“Is this a tragedy?” he asks the System.

[The story’s genre has only changed once.]

Which tells him exactly nothing. “What was the genre before and what is it now?”

[Genre classification for Proud Immortal Demon Way was stallion novel and is now danmei.]

Which mean nothing to Luo Binghe. “Does that mean it isn’t a tragedy?”

[Neither classification precludes tragedy.]

Then they could mean different things. Have different themes. Luo Binghe isn’t sure what to ask to get the actual answers he’s wanting, but… This at least warns him that he may yet fail. He wakes himself and then spends the rest of the night on edge about every strange noise, every wisp of ambient qi.

The morning after soothes him. Shen Qingqiu indulges him the entire day, as if he sensed how unsettled Luo Binghe’s heart had gotten. Whatever the reason, Luo Binghe makes a decision that evening, sitting adjacent to his beloved master as they finish dinner. Whatever this story is supposed to be, tragedy or not, living in fear of what might happen will just distract him from what is. They’ve gotten this far. He’s allowed to just be, for a while. It’s not like they won’t have another chance if he fails.

This, of course, is exactly what the plot wants of him.

It happens years down the line, long after Luo Binghe declares Shen Qingqiu his empress and demands all demons offer him the respect due to his station. It happens when they’re safe at home, surrounded by only the most loyal of servants and retainers. It happens in what passes for broad daylight in the demon realm, shattering the illusion of safety that had been spun around them.

It happens quickly.

Luo Binghe doesn’t actually think about throwing his life away to save Shen Qingqiu. He only thinks of saving Shen Qingqiu. The assassin’s blade sinks deep into Luo Binghe’s chest. He kills the demon a second later, recognizing him as the son of a disposed lord of a tiny clan. No one he would ever have considered a threat but possessing a shadow traveling ability that made it crucial he took power of the clan as a whole.

Fittingly poetic that this same, unimportant clan would be his undoing.

He hears Shen Qingqiu shout but Luo Binghe is already starting to collapse at that point. He feels cool hands carefully lowering him down to rest against a familiar chest with a soothing scent surrounding him. Luo Binghe opens his eyes and looks up at Shen Qingqiu, marveling at just how beautiful his shizun really is.

The blade was coated in one of the very few poisons that actually work on heavenly demons. It would definitely have killed Shen Qingqiu in seconds, had the assassin been faster. Luo Binghe holds onto consciousness for a few minutes and doesn’t look away from Shen Qingqiu even once.

"It was this disciple's fault," he says. It finally feels like the right moment and it's been burning in his chest for long enough. "I asked for the chance to try again."

"Hush. It doesn't matter. Just save your strength, the medics are on their way."

"For all that has passed," Luo Binghe says, smiling, "I repay you today."

He sees a flash of pain on his shizun's face and then nothing more.

Luo Binghe doesn’t survive that.

When Luo Binghe is fourteen years old, his shizun suffers a terrible-

Luo Binghe wakes in the woodshed with centuries of memories in his head, even through he hadn’t used the artifact this time. He immediately goes to the bamboo house to be with his shizun.

When Luo Binghe enters the bedroom, Shen Qingqiu is still in the throes of fever. His skin is pale and cheeks rosy from the heat, a layer of sweat on his forehead. His hair has been pulled into the simplest of queues to keep it out of the way. Luo Binghe sits at the edge of the bed and stares down at him.

As Shen Qingqiu mutters and whimpers in his delirium, he says Luo Binghe’s name like a prayer and a plea both.

“I’m here,” Luo Binghe says, soft as he pets the loose, shorter strands of hair away from Shen Qingqiu’s forehead. “I’m here, Shizun.”

His shizun is so very beautiful, even like this. That many of his lives didn’t notice this, couldn’t appreciate it, is a tragedy. Luo Binghe wipes away sweat and lovingly tends to his ailing shizun until the fever finally breaks four days later.

Luo Binghe can’t help himself. The moment Shen Qingqiu looks at him with clarity, Luo Binghe has to kiss him with desperate insistence. Shen Qingqiu allows it for only a moment before pushing him back.

“Not yet,” he says, flushed and full of soft affection. “Binghe is still a child.”

“This Binghe is older than you are,” Luo Binghe points out, but then Shen Qingqiu stiffens as his gaze goes far away. He’s grimacing half a minute later and Luo Binghe can’t stop himself from filling with anxiety. Had it not been enough? Had it not been considered heroic?

“Congratulations, congratulations, congratulations,” Shen Qingqiu says in a dry tone. “Important things must be said three times.”

Luo Binghe barely has time to wonder what he means when Shen Qingqiu drags him down into another kiss. It’s longer this time, enough that Luo Binghe starts forgetting why it can’t go further before Shen Qingqiu breaks off with a choked, wet laugh, his eyes bright with tears.

“Binghe needs to grow up a little more,” Shen Qingqiu says, pressing their foreheads together. “This master promises to wait. We have one more life to spend with each other, after all.”

Luo Binghe is crying before he manages to bury his face against his shizun’s shoulder. Waiting is fine. Waiting is great. As long as the noose of the loop is off their necks, Luo Binghe has nothing more to worry about except loving this man for the rest of their days.

He looks forward to it.