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Whenever Chloe answers her phone every ‘hi/hello/hey’ is punctuated with a physical flourish. An actual physical grand gesture which Beca can decipher to know who is calling. When Chloe’s older brother calls she slaps her hand down on whatever surface is nearby, when Aubrey calls the redhead’s spine straightens and she does a little skip that is reminiscent of their regionals routine from Beca’s freshman year, unknown numbers get a furrowed brow (Chloe doesn’t understand why people would hide their numbers) and then a head tilt to the left, Chloe’s parents get a pirouette. Seriously the redhead spins on the spot as she answers the phone and Beca thinks it’s one of the most adorable things she’s ever seen.
It’s after watching one of these pirouettes in the Bella’s kitchen that Beca finds herself wondering what action Chloe has for when she calls the redhead.
“Who is Chloe on the phone to?” Stacie asks as she walks in, pointing to the overly animated girl.
“Her parents.”
“How do you- are you psychic or something Becs?” Fat Amy asks from her spot next to the DJ.
The redhead had been making a cup of tea when her phone rang, a pinpoint spin and an exuberant ‘hi’ had followed and the tea was now rapidly cooling on the countertop as Chloe’s animated words and movements seemed to fill the room. Beca bites on her tongue as she gives Amy and Stacie a shrug, faking interest in the remnants of her cereal.
Sometimes when Chloe is feeling upset or down she walks into Beca’s room, her earbuds firmly in place, and with little greeting or acknowledgement she’ll just curl herself around the other girl silently.
The first time it happens Beca finds it disconcerting because whenever there’s music Chloe is singing or humming and moving along. In fact even when there isn’t any music the redhead seems to be constantly performing to her own internal soundtrack, so a silent and still Chloe is worrying.
It during one of these moments, when Chloe is burrowed against her, that Beca plucks an earbud from redhead and when she’s not met with any protest places it in her own ear.
The brunette remembers flinching the first time at the discord and un-syncopated vocals filling her ear, a stark contrast from the usual light sing-a-long tunes she’s used to hearing surround the other girl. Chloe is the closest thing Beca thinks to a real life Disney princess and living in the Bella’s house must be a close approximation to what living in the Disney channel would be like, although more R-rated.
It makes sense that the soundtrack Chloe surrounds herself with is just another expression of her emotional state. Beca loves music, lives for music, but Chloe is the purest embodiment of it. It’s not something Beca would readily confess, because she’d like to think her musical knowledge and appreciation was unique and wide ranging, but it isn’t even in the same ballpark as Chloe’s. The redhead has a song for every mood, every occasion, and always come up with the perfect random song suggestion or reference. During these darker moments Beca finds herself exposed to not just a unique vulnerable side of the other girl but melancholic and awe-inspiring beats, avant-garde and haunting lyrics which are so raw she finds herself reaching and turning over the ipod Chloe still uses to learn the artist and song.
They don’t talk during these moments. Chloe just stays wrapped around Beca as the brunette continues to work on her laptop, or read, until Chloe’s grip around her slowly loosens and she simply gets up and leaves with a small smile to Beca. On a few occasions they’d fallen asleep tucked together and Beca woke up to an empty bed.
It’s when Chloe comes into her room for the second day in a row that Beca breaks their silence. Chloe’s grip is a little bit tighter, the music a little darker, it’s just a name whispered into silken auburn strands but the reaction is explosive, the earbud ripped away and Beca feels her stomach drop as the other girl leaves without a backward glance.
It’s not like Beca has many frames of reference for situations like this, if anything they’re situations she avoids and actively runs from, but she finds herself restless with indecision for the rest of the evening until Chloe comes into her room hours later with a mug of tea for them both and tells Beca all about failing Russian Literature again.
Everyone just thinks Chloe has no boundaries, that she’s touchy-feely, over-affectionate, a flirt, but there’s more to it than that. There’s method in the hugs, the exuberance, the touches, it’s a process, a way to truly establish people’s boundaries rather than what they project. Beca thinks of it like Chloe is some kind of exposure therapy horse whisperer. So she shouldn’t be surprised that Chloe knows her weak points.
For all her stand-off attitude and shrugging off of physical affection there may be certain things that Beca likes. For example, she may like linking arms and huddling under an umbrella with someone in the rain (there’s an inevitable spring feel and freshness to rain that makes Beca sigh with contentment). She may like people touching and playing with her hair, whether it is fingers tangling deep into the strands, fingers scratching at her scalp, or a simple brushing of hair out of her face. She may even actually like holding hands, although it more that when she’s restless she likes someone taking her hand because it’s like they’re demand her attention and she feels needed, and then she also just likes to feel people’s hands because so much of what she does has an element of touch to it, in the way she manipulates and creates beats and sounds, so feeling the joints and tendons of someone’s hands is a way of getting to know someone.
It’s at the retreat as Chloe ghosts her fingers over the brunette’s hairline and talks about backrubs and experimenting that causes a flip in Beca’s stomach and a stream of thoughts that she pushes down as she calls Chloe a weirdo in her usual sarcastic and dismissive way, flinching from the other girl’s touch before turning over to a sleepless night.
She’s sat watching, but not really watching, a film with Jesse when it hits her, like really hits her. That she wishes Chloe was here instead of him. That if the redhead was here they’d be cuddled up together with a bag of sour patch kids and Beca would actually be watching the film because Chloe always provides a hilarious narration to stop her from getting bored. Instead Jesse is sat at the other end of the couch hugging a bowl of popcorn (Beca hates popcorn) while she’s sat playing word games on her phone with no idea what this film is about, aside from the fact that the instrumental soundtrack is done by some guy with a Swedish sounding name who possibly recorded everything in a junkyard given the cacophony of random metallic sounds blaring from the television.
There’s a sort of chain reaction in her brain. A train of thought that this isn’t the only time she’s wished Chloe was with her instead of Jesse, but maybe this is just how it is with best friends and boyfriends, that sometimes you want to share certain things with certain people. Given the choice though it always Chloe, at parties and stuff it’s Chloe she looks for and not her boyfriend, important things like her first DJ-ing gig Chloe being there was more important and meant more to Beca than Jesse being there, whether she’s alone or wanting to hang out with someone Chloe is the only person she will tolerate or want there.
This new awareness is like a fog lifting, and Beca is someone who once something is clear in her mind it becomes like fact. She may not quite understand or know what she wants from Chloe but there’s this feeling of wanting more from the redhead and at the same time realising that as much as she loves Jesse she’s really not in love with him which means she can’t deny that their relationship isn’t working anymore.
Sitting forward she grabs the remote and hits pause.
“We need to talk.”
“Right now? We’re just getting to the best bit.”
Beca just shoots him a glare.
“Ok, alright, we’ll talk . . . so what do you want to talk about?”
“This isn’t working, us, we should just be friends.”
Jesse’s slack jawed and hurt expression is not helping.
“I don’t- . . . I like you Jesse, I love you but it’s not the same anymore, like I don’t think I’m-“ She pauses to reassess how to say this because Jesse hasn’t done anything wrong, there’s nothing wrong with him, their relationship just isn’t enough. He’s nice, their relationship is easy and Beca feels like the most awful person ever for thinking it, for thinking about someone else and ending this when she doesn’t even know what she’s going to do about that, but it’s not fair to him.
“I don’t think we’re meant to be, I don’t feel like- I feel like we’re settling for something that is easy and good when there should be more, you know.”
He just keeps giving her that slack jawed expression.
“What’s so bad about easy? I don’t get it you’re saying we’re good together but you don’t want us to be together?”
Part of Beca’s brain knows this is where she’s supposed to make some impassioned and apologetic speech, how it’s not his fault but hers, how she hopes they can still be friends, and she just wants him to be happy but she’s not the girl to do it. The reality is that her life isn’t a movie, there’s the possibility that she’s got serious feelings for her best friend and Jesse is now just an obstacle to that. She doesn’t want to hurt the boy but it’s like a band aid at this point, prolonging this is only going to make it worse.
“It’s just not enough Jesse, I’m sorry, but we’re done.”
She doesn’t wait for a response as she gets up, grabs her headphones and leaves.
Beca’s phone keeps lighting up and beeping, she knows it is Jesse but she’s ignoring it, doesn’t want to deal with his continued pleas for her to take him back, for them to fix it despite her explicit explanation that they were done and nothing was changing that.
“What is the deal with your phone B?” Cynthia Rose asks. It had been a tough day of rehearsals and the Bella’s were all lounging around watching episodes of some trashy tv show that Beca still hasn’t learnt the name of or have any real concept of what’s happening on screen.
“It’s just Jesse.”
“Everything alright?”
She knows the other girls aren’t fools, Stacie has been giving her sympathetic questioning looks for the last few days and Amy some less subtle comments, so she just needs to get her newfound single status out there.
“We broke up.”
There are various ‘what happened’, ‘no way’, and ‘aws’ but all Beca really registers is Chloe getting up and leaving the room, she twitches to follow the redhead but is trapped on the couch as she’s sandwiched between various Bella’s as they hug or give her sympathetic pats and continue to bombard her with questions.
It’s like Chloe is avoiding her, except she does actually know the redhead is avoiding her. They never go more than a few days without finding time to hang out together just the two of them, especially after the retreat, and it’s been a week, a week. Everything seems normal, Beca sees her at rehearsals and they talk and hang around the Bella’s house with their team mates but she just can’t get Chloe alone. Even when she’s asked or messaged her to hang out somehow another of the Bella’s gets invited to join them or it turns into the whole house hanging out.
Beca knows something is up though and the redhead is avoiding her because whenever it looks like it’s just going to be the two of them Chloe bites the bottom left-hand (Chloe’s left) corner of her lip and rocks her weight back and forth, heel to toe. She can’t remember when she first made the connection, but she knows it means that Chloe is nervous and apprehensive about something, like the redhead is trying to hold something in or stop and check herself from doing something.
Every rehearsal this week has seen Chloe either start to gnaw on her lip and rocking on her feet a few minutes before they’re due to finish rehearsal and then with a shout over her shoulder that she has to be somewhere she’s gone, or as she stands and talks to someone after rehearsals and Beca lingers nearby she’ll catch the redhead bite and rock and then Chloe is linking arms with whoever is nearby and walking back to the Bella’s house. Even when Beca has tried to protest stating important co-captain business there’s another bite and rock from Chloe before a dismissive hand wave from the other girl and a comment about there being no secrets between Bellas.
“Why are you avoiding me?”
“Jesus Beca, creeper much!” Chloe exclaimed clutching a hand to her chest. “What are you doing up at this time?”
“Why are you avoiding me?”
There’s no time to skirt around the issue, she wants answers, and Beca set a 5am alarm (and multiple ones and snoozes after that much to Amy’s displeasure) to make sure she was up and awake in time to catch Chloe as she prepares to leave for her morning run.
Chloe is doing that thing were her eyes flit about and she bites at side of her thumbnail which means she’s looking for a way out. There was a county fair last year and Beca dragged the redhead into the haunted house where the other girl chewed on her thumb so much it bled and looked a mess for weeks. Beca finds herself wishing, not for the first time, that they didn’t have an open plan kitchen and living area and just generally had more doors in this house because doors are the best. Doors allow privacy, they keep people out, but as is the case right now they also help keep people in because
“Why are you avoiding me?”
Chloe just continues to remain silent eyes still flitting looking for an exit. Beca takes a few steps towards the redhead slowly, keeping her gaze steadily on the other girl, watching for any signs that she’s going to run.
“Chlo-“
“I’m not avoiding you, why would you think that? In case you hadn’t noticed there’s a lot going on Beca, rehearsals, worlds, trying not to fail Russian Lit again.”
The redhead lets out a nervous laugh and Beca sees her repeatedly look towards the back door of the house. She takes a few more slow steps towards the other girl in an attempt to narrow and block her potential exits.
“I’m not an idiot Chloe I ju-“
“You’re being paranoid Becs, why would I be avoiding you? Clearly DSM and that blonde amazon have gotten to you and-“
“Stop it, just stop it!”
She doesn’t mean to raise her voice but this avoidance thing, this dancing around each other has really gotten to her, frayed her nerves, and Beca just wants answers.
“I know I’m not being paranoid. Every time I try and talk to you alone you’ve suddenly got somewhere to be, every time I ask if you want to get coffee or work on the set somehow one of the girls ends up joining us.”
Beca sees Chloe start to open her mouth ready to interrupt, but she quickly gives the other girl a glare, raising her index finger to show that she’s not finished and Chloe remains silent.
“I love the other girls, I do, but you and I . . . I can’t remember the last time we went a week without just hanging out the two of us, I can’t remember the last time someone came with us on our weekly milkshake lunch, you know I thought that was our thing, and I can’t remember the last time we missed our History channel marathon.”
“New Year, Stacie missed the cable bill payment and we had to delay it a week.”
They share a weak smile.
“I can’t stand the thought of you being mad at me Chlo and I just don’t get it. I don’t understand what I’ve done, I know I’ve been a bit absent this year, with the whole internship hiding thing, but I thought we were past that. I’m don’t necessarily say it as much as I should, but I really care about you and I hope you know that and I want you to know that. I can’t stand . . . I can’t stand the thought of getting to worlds and us not being ok because it’s going to be this big end of an era thing, you know, and I don’t know what’s going to happen after it and stuff but I know that if you’re not there, if we’re not ok then it’s going to suck and be the worst. I feel like we’ve kinda missed out on things this year and we’re not connecting in the way we should and I don’t want us to miss out on anything else because you’re so important to me Chloe, like serious I don’t . . . I don’t know what I’d do sometimes. You’re always like the first person I think about whenever something happens, and just all the time, like I actually like you just being around and you being you, and whatever I’ve done whatever is making you avoid me can you please just tell me so I can fix it? Please, because the thing that is going to mean the most at worlds is you, you being there and us sharing that, because you’re . . . you’re . . .”
Beca threw her hands up in exasperation. She’d run out of words, saying more in the last few moments than she remembers talking and sharing with Chloe for a while. She can see Chloe processing everything and honestly she needs a breath herself right now, because what started as a simply question seems to have become something more. There’s a tension that Beca’s words has created between them, an undercurrent of some kind, and a feeling that there’s more. More she wants to say, more she wants from Chloe, but she isn’t sure how to express it.
“What am I?”
The question winds her, it’s said with a firm and steady voice that Beca isn’t expecting, but this is it. This is the window, the opportunity, because even though that question, those three words, have left her breathless there’s just one answer, one word, repeating over and over in her head in response, and she can’t let this chance go. Diving into the unknown is not Beca’s way, sitting back, observing, letting other people play their hands is more her style, but she’s already revealed half her hand and as Chloe evenly meets her stare she sees an understanding, a determination in those blue eyes that has her wondering if perhaps Chloe already knows.
“Everything.”
It’s Chloe who makes the move. The redhead’s hands reach out and grip Beca’s wrists, sharply tugging her forwards, Chloe’s smirk growing as she gets closer in a way that is so reminiscent of that first hood night when she’d declared they’d be ‘fast friends’ only this time it’s their lips that meet.
It has Beca tensing up and sort of freezing in place because this wasn’t exactly the outcome she was expecting, part of her is wondering whether she’s still asleep because this seems more like a dream, but then she feels Chloe’s thumbs brushing across her forearms above her wrists, gently massaging the skin in a way that’s communicating to her that this is really happening and it’s ok. She can feel the tension start to leave, her shoulders relaxing down, she breathes out something akin to a scoff or an exhaled laugh through her nose at her own reaction. Only she would tense up and start freaking out at getting what she wants, and only Chloe would be reassuring and just keep their lips pressed together until Beca caught up with the situation.
“Wait.”
Beca’s hands find their way to Chloe’s shoulders as she pulls back from the redhead.
“So you like like me?”
The eye roll she receives in response is oddly reassuring.
“I mean ‘cos if you do like like me then I was wondering if maybe do you want to go out sometime, like on a date? I mean I’m not quite sure how all this works, is it ok if I-“
“I swear to god Mitchell if you don’t shut up and kiss me . . .”
Beca can feel a grin spread across her face at Chloe’s frustrated tone and the empty threat that is left hanging between them as her hands run along the other girl’s shoulders to rest either side of her neck and gently bring them together again. There’s no hesitancy this time as their lips meet and find an easy rhythm. Chloe’s hands are not idle either, finding their way to Beca’s waist, enveloping her as they’re drawn together. The press of their bodies together draws a gasp and a moan from Beca that the redhead takes advantage of to deepen their kiss, and she’s struck by a mass of feelings sparking within her, telling her that she is never going to get enough of this.
“So, should I take all of this as a yes?”
It feels like a Herculean effort to pull away again, but Beca can’t resist flustering Chloe that little bit more. She’s rewarded with a low growl from the redhead, a hand firmly tangling its way into her hair and pulling them back together.
“Yes you idiot.”