Work Text:
Thor and Nicole sit on the curb outside S.H.I.E.L.D. Central. They can sit there because it's a No Parking Zone. New Yorkers have no respect for the laws governing parking, but even so S.H.I.E.L.D.'s yellow curb is inviolate. No one dares leave their vehicle here. It is an unwelcome reminder of S.H.I.E.L.D.'s power.
"How are you doing?" Nicole asks.
"I am well," Thor says. "How are you?"
She smiles. "I'm good, thanks. What have you been up to this morning?"
"I have been with Loki."
"This whole thing has to be pretty stressful for you."
Thor smiles, hiding his impatience. He reminds himself that Nicole's wisdom is great, and that if he doesn't see a purpose in her speech, it may only be a flaw in himself. But Loki waits in the basement of the building behind him. In preparations for battle there is no place for idle talk. "I am well," he says again.
"I'm really proud of you for going to see Loki."
Thor nods.
"Is it hard for you to see him in prison like that?"
"He will not be there much longer," Thor says. "Already Tony Stark rallies our friends."
She smiles. "You didn't answer my question."
He told her he was well. Why must she ask again and again?
"It's okay to be afraid," she says. She's told him that perhaps a thousand times.
"I am not afraid," he tells her. "I will do what I must."
Her brows draw together. That look bodes ill. Thor draws calm breaths and waits. "What do you think courage is?" she says.
He had expected something more difficult. "Facing danger without fear or shrinking."
She nods. "That's one way to think about it. But you know, there's a saying that courage is being afraid of something, and doing it anyway."
Sometimes talking to her is like talking to his father. The words sound nobly in his ears, but he can't make sense of them. "People do not often do things they're afraid of."
"You've done things you're afraid of, though. Remember at our first session, how you told Loki something that made you afraid? That was a very courageous thing to do."
He wants to go back inside, to Loki. He sets that aside and thinks on her words. "I did it by not thinking of the fear," he says. "Perhaps every man is afraid in the moments before a battle. But when it begins, he must forget it."
"Okay," she says. "That's fair. But you're not in battle right now."
"What is the purpose of fear?" he demands, more harshly than he meant to. "Why do you dwell on it so?"
"Sorry," she says, smiling. "I know sometimes it feels like we get into arguments, and that's not how therapy is supposed to be. I'll try to be better. I guess I just really believe in honesty. Not honesty with everyone, maybe not even 100% complete honesty with the people around us, but at least with ourselves. I think the strongest, bravest people are the ones who've explored even the dark places inside themselves. I think when they face outward, they can do it more comfortably and confidently. I do think fear has a purpose--it's to help us recognize and evaluate risks so we can make good decisions about how to deal with them. I also think fear is a place inside yourself that you don't want to go."
I am not afraid! He holds the words in. He knows she doesn't want to hear them.
"How do you think Loki would react if you talked to him about being afraid for him?"
Loki would relish my weakness. The words are disloyal. "There is nothing to fear. He will be released soon. Bruce is bringing Steve today to speak with Loki. Tony Stark believes he will offer his support."
"Does Loki want to be released?"
Thor isn't certain. It disturbed him, how contented Loki seemed in his glass cage. But after Tony and Bruce's midnight visit a few days since, he has grown restless. "I believe so."
"Have you asked him?"
It isn't safe for Loki here. Thor has not forgotten Fury's talk of pain. Loki is cleverer than most of this realm. He knows many things Fury might wish to learn.
"I know it's hard to really listen to his point of view when you feel so strongly," she says. "I don't like this place much either. But it's not your fault he's here, and it's not your responsibility to get him out. He told you he chose to be here, remember?"
I don't want you to save me this time. But--I want you to be here. With me. Side by side.
Thor promised. He's tried to honor his promise. It grows harder and harder. Since Loki told Coul's son of his true nature, the room is full of guards. Thor doesn't like the way they look at Loki. He would never tell Nicole--it would wound her--but he heard two of them laughing at the way Loki wept during one of his sessions. They would not be afraid to hurt him.
Nicole has helped Loki beyond Thor's hopes. If Loki needs this talk of feelings, he shall have it. But one of them must be strong if they are to stand against these mortals.
"What if Loki doesn't want to leave?" she asks. "Or what if they won't let him go?"
"They will."
"I think so too," she says, and Thor breathes again. "But sometimes it's helpful to imagine a bad outcome a little in our heads, and talk about it. That way it isn't so big in our minds and we don't make decisions in a place of fear."
"I thought you liked fear."
She laughs. He tries to laugh with her. "I do," she says. "But I think, like any other emotion, when it isn't talked about it gets bigger and starts controlling us."
She is wiser than he. Thor tries to do as she asks. He tries to imagine Loki here, forever. He imagines never again embracing his brother.
He surges to his feet. "Enough!"
"Okay," she says. "Okay, you don't have to. I'm sorry. Come back."
He sits, feeling faintly ashamed. He should not have raised his voice to her. But he lost Loki once. He will not do it again.
"Are you okay?"
He nods. She waits, but he has nothing else to offer her.
"So do you think Captain America will support Loki?"
To make amends, Thor admits, "I do not know. This battle will have no spoils or glory."
She smiles at him. Thor feels better. "I know I sound like a broken record, but have you thought about being honest with Captain America about how you feel and asking for his help? Not everything in friendship has to be an equal exchange."
A car pulls into the No Parking Zone, inches from their feet. Tony, Bruce, and Steve get out.
Thor stands. Nicole follows a moment later. "Good luck. Think about what I said, okay?"
Thor nods. He can read nothing in Steve's face.
"Can I hug you?"
He embraces her gladly. "Thank you for all that you have done for us."
She smiles. "You're welcome. Remember, you can always call me if you want to talk."
He nods.
"Hi, Nicole," Tony says. "That upgrade to the Plaza is still available, just so you know."
Thor thinks she should take it. He's seen the lobby of the Plaza Hotel. It is glorious. But she refuses politely and lets Steve hail a cab for her. Thor waits. His heart beats uneasily. He does not know what to do.
Nicole is wise. And he is no longer a prince of Asgard. He has nothing else to bargain with but truth.
"Steve," he says. "May I speak with you before we go inside?"
"Sure," Steve says, and walks to the corner with him where Bruce and Tony can't hear.
Nerves rise in Thor's throat, ready to become a battle-cry. He swallows. "I wish to be honest with you."
Steve nods. "Honesty is the best policy."
Steve is a great Earth warrior; if he agrees with Nicole, perhaps it is true. "Loki is my brother," Thor says. "I can offer you no reason to give him your aid. I know you have many reasons to withhold it. But he is my brother, and I--"
Steve claps him on the shoulder. "I know. And I'm here to talk to him, see if we can work something out."
Thor tries not to bridle at his tone. He knows the other Avengers think him a brute, with little to say for himself. They speak to him as to a child. "I have given up Asgard," he says. "I have given up my hammer. The only power I have left is the strength of this body, but it is yours if you will help my brother. I cannot bargain, so I must beg for your indulgence. Loki brought us to this realm to please me, and now--I--I will not give him up."
Steve looks uncomfortable. Thor knew Nicole was wrong. "I, uh--I'm sorry, but I can't promise anything," Steve says. "It's not about bargaining. I just need to talk to Loki and see what he has to say. But look--I want to come down on your side of this if I can. If things are as under control with Loki as Tony and Bruce say they are, I will. It's in our best interests to stick together. We're all stronger than your average human, but S.H.I.E.L.D. is bigger than any one of us on our own."
For a moment, Thor feels a great sense of relief. Then he understands what Steve has said. There is nothing Thor can do to convince him. Only Loki can do that, and Loki may not want to be free.
He promised Loki he would be with him, side by side, through anything.
"So you gave up Asgard, huh?" Steve says. "You can't go home?"
Thor remembers Loki's blistered face. He remembers Loki's beloved voice hoarse and broken. He shakes his head. "This realm is our home now."
"What's that like? I mean, Asgard sounds really different from Earth."
Thor tries to smile. "It is an adventure. And I have my brother to share it with."
Steve smiles back, but Thor can tell he isn't satisfied with the answer. Perhaps he knows that Thor is lying. "Right. Well, let's go talk to Loki."
Nicole will be disappointed in him when he tells her of this conversation. If he tells her of it at all. Thor has disappointed so many people. "Wait," he calls after Steve. "I lied. It's terrifying."
Steve turns around. There is a silence. Then he says, "Yeah, it is."
Thor blinks.
Steve huffs a laugh. "I guess seventy years sounds like small potatoes to you. But I get pretty homesick sometimes."
Belatedly, Thor sees the true meaning of Steve's questions. And Steve doesn't even have a brother. His heart is filled with that feeling he cannot name, the one that is like pity, but not pity. "So do I," he admits. "Nothing here is what I am used to."
Steve looks around at the street they're on. Thor looks too. Everything on Asgard was built together; the hodgepodge human way is still a mystery to him. He can tell that most of the buildings do not gleam enough to be new. He can't guess whether they were here seventy years ago.
"At least I've still got New York," Steve says, and pats Thor on the arm as if he feels the pity-but-not-pity too. "Come on, let's go see your brother."
Maybe Thor has helped Loki after all.