Work Text:
Athena
I’d told Garrus I needed some alone time to sort out some final preparations with Anderson and the others for the final push where we’d end it all and finally defeat the Reapers.
It wasn’t a lie. But I didn’t want him to see me like this – a scared, broken mess coming to terms with the fact that I might be leaving the rest of them behind because lets be real here, we’ve lost so much already, it might take the ultimate sacrifice to win the war. Its not like I haven’t died before...but now I have a reason to live. I want a family. I want a life with Garrus. I want it all.
I want to retire, to settle down and not be called Commander anymore…
I’m in my quarters. I decided to record some videos and write some letters for the crew and my loved ones to keep as mementos in the event of my death. Its been hard. I’ve been holding back tears but I have to do it. I don’t want my loved ones to forget me, after everything we’ve been through. I want them to know that they’re loved, they will always be loved and I’ll be watching over them, wherever I may end up.
I’d written on a script for most of them – telling Liara and Tali in their vids and letters to look after Garrus and make sure he doesn’t go insane. Saying they’re my best friends and the best teammates I could have ever asked for. And for Joker and EDI to have a life together like they deserve. Joker always talked about teaching new pilots, wanting to get out of the seat himself so I sent words of encouragement.
I made a video for Wrex and Grunt, encouraging them to keep leading the Krogans, to have children now that the Genophage is cured and to tell the children stories of our adventures, so the legend of Urdnot Wrex will never die. I tell them to keep the Krogans strong, but not to get too bloodthirsty because we need to avoid another war.
I make videos for Miranda, for Jacob, for Kaidan, for Ashley’s family. The videos and letters become too hard to keep track of, though I know I’m leaving Garrus for last.
I’m at my desk, tears falling down on my data pad where I’ve been writing the letter to Garrus. I’ve gone through many drafts but my words don’t seem good enough.
“To Garrus.” I begin reading out loud, not taking in my surroundings. Thinking I’m totally alone. “Words cannot describe how much you mean to me. You know I’m good with speeches, I’ve written so many that its become a chore to me. But I wanted this to be genuine, I didn’t want this to feel so manufactured, like I’m just doing another speech without the sincerity. I have loved you since before Omega. But when that rocket hit you… God, I was so scared of losing you and losing our friendship.”
I pause to take a breath, feeling something getting caught in my throat and I cough to clear my airways. It feels like a sharp pain, like there's something scraping me. I blink away tears and continue reading aloud
“Ever since then, I told myself I would protect you. Protect our friends and I don’t know where I’d be without you. If you’re reading this and you’ve watched the video, then you’ll know that I’m recording this so I know you have something to remember me by. I have and always will love you. Every part of you, every flaw and every lovable thing about you. I know I’m a mess, you probably are too. But I need you to be strong. Be the strong Turian I’ve always known you can be and one day we will be reunited. Stick with Liara and Tali and they’ll keep you company when you have dark days. Thank you for being a pain in my ass and the love of my life.Give my love to your family and -.”
That's all I have. I’m usually so good with words and now I don’t know what else to say. I feel like nothing is good enough for Garrus, for the Turian that has always had my back.
The tears fall freely now., I hug the data pad to my chest and push the others that are scattered on my desk, away.
I can’t. I need to be strong for my team, but I feel like I’m dying inside. I feel like doom is round every corner and its come to suffocate me and weigh me down like the sorry sack of shit I am.
I hear the doors open.
“Shepard? How -Why?.” A gentle voice cuts through my thoughts. A voice I’ve never wanted to hear hurt.
Slowly, my eyes drift upwards to the door and Garrus is standing there, having heard everything.
“Garrus.” His name almost makes me sick.
I’ve never been this bad before. Never let my guard down so much, never reacted so much to everything. Just pushed it all away to the back of my mind and thought that I’d never have to deal with it again.
I’ve dealt with Protheans. Saren, so many Collectors, Batarians and so many others across the universe. I’ve literally been to hell and back and lived through a suicide mission. I’ve seen Ashley die, almost killed Wrex, watched Liara’s mother die, Thane die, Mordin, Legion and so many others and all of it is just another day in the life of Commander Athena Shepard. And I’m not a saint, I’ll say that much but I’ve done my damn job well.
But nothing ever seems good enough.
Garrus crosses the room and leans down, his gentle hand caressing my face as he wipes away my tears.
I lean into his touch and the data pad falls to the floor as I wrap my arms around him.
“Why are you doing this to yourself? I don’t understand.” Garrus almost whispers.
He swoops down to lift me up by my legs and carry me to the bed, lying with me. I cuddle into him, trying to breathe through my tears as I’m hyperventilating.
“I’ve never seen you like this...I don’t ever want to see you like this again.”
Garrus rubs my back and soothes me and soon enough, I find that he’s helping me calm down and my face goes red from crying and humiliation. I try to hide my face from him, but Garrus makes me look at him.
He’s so beautiful
“I wanted to give you something to remember me by if..if I died again.” I say bluntly; voice wavering again.
“Shepard.” The hurt in his voice. “Like anything is going to kill you. Not on my watch.”
Staring into his beautiful eyes, I find myself breathless. I don’t know what to say, what to do. Nothing doesn’t feel good enough, like I’ve said many times before.
Garrus isn’t in his armour, for once. My dominant hand, my right, reaches up to cup his face and my fingers trail where that rocket hit his face so long ago now...God I want him. I want him now and I don’t want him to leave but I know that we don’t have the time to be doing this, we need to be focused on the final assault and yet...I do not move from the bed.
“We’ve worked so hard for this, Garrus. I don’t want to lose you.”
“You won’t” He promises. “I’m with you until the end of the line. And I’m sure everyone else on this damn ship will say the same.”
I laugh a little, sniffling.
“You know.” I begin. “I’ve always taken you on almost every mission we’ve ever been on over the years, because I couldn’t bare to have anyone else there. You’ve always been there for me, alongside Liara and Tali but...I’ve never felt as strongly as I do, for anyone other than you.”
I’m honest, I’m opening myself up and Garrus does what he always does, he listens and loves me unconditionally.
It seems to be getting hotter and hotter in the cabin, but I keep my eyes on Garrus, watching him closely.
“And you know I feel the same way, Athena. If you hadn’t had saved me back when I was Archangel...I don’t even want to think about where I’d have ended up.”
Garrus kisses my fingers, my hand and then trails down my arm before moving to kiss my lips. Its slow at first, but then its like hunger takes over Garrus; a growing need to comfort me...in any way possible.
I can hear the fish in the fish tank swimming around, I can hear our heartbeats like drums, mine battering my chest.
I lean into his touch, wanting more.
“We’re going to be okay, Athena. And when this is all over, we’ll settle down. You’ll come back to me and we’ll live somewhere, retired. You, me and whatever the future holds. Fuck what everyone else says. Fuck the Alliance, fuck everybody else. You deserve a chance at happiness. We deserve it.” Garrus’ voice is full of hope; raw emotion, love above all else.
The warmth is telling me to accept all this, to succumb and drink in every last inch, every last second with my lover.
This is what you do when you’re with someone you love.
I take a breath and sit up, pausing.
“EDI.” I call out. “Make sure I’m not disturbed by anyone. Tell Anderson to call as soon as he’s ready.”
“As you wish, Commander.”
As quickly as EDI pipes in, she’s gone again.
I turn my head back to Garrus.
“Garrus...promise me you’ll stay with me until the end.” I beg.
“I’m not going anywhere.”He promises.
I pull him into a kiss, that deepens into something more.