Chapter Text
Junkyu wonders how the dice he rolled landed him in a place that tries its best to both glorify him and outcast him at the same time. All that surrounds him are two shades of black or white, either stolen glances of attraction or stolen glances of jealousy, either sneers in disgust or whispers in panic. It’s always this or that. A hard yes or hard no.
Never a maybe. Never a potentially.
He tries to choose to see in greyscale most of the time, hoping the contrasting opinions might all fade into one if he simply changes his own perceptions. If the two sides blur together, maybe the intangible thing called nuance might finally reveal itself to the rest of the student body that he isn’t just something to be desired or something to be resented. Maybe if he did just the right thing, said the right thing, showed the right thing that could prove his point that he’s more than just a pretty face with no personality or a doormat with no personality, then all his true colors could shine through.
As it turns out, changing anything about himself never worked.
Oh, who was he fooling. It didn’t matter what he did. People would do as they always did. Take one look at him, up and down. Form an opinion. Look away. Whisper about him.
Every. Single. Time.
Junkyu rushes down the hall, willing for his vision, or at least his peripherals, to unfocus until he makes it to the dance room, where he can feel comfortable enough to just.
Be.
He ignores the speedy eyes shooting from those passing by him, and the bodies and voices all blend into the school’s drowsy morning atmosphere.
All his woes leave him as the dance room door shuts behind him. Despite Junkyu’s slightly frantic entry, the one boy dancing in the small and worn room doesn’t stop his practice—a welcome break from the eyes of those who couldn’t help but take a peak at him from their conversations. Junkyu unceremoniously drops his backpack against the back wall and sits against it, watching the younger boy in front of him.
Junkyu’s eyes are closed when the music stops, indicating that Doyoung is done with his morning practice for today. “Hey hyung,” Doyoung greets him simply. Junkyu mumbles a, “Morning…” already feeling his energy has been depleted before the school day has begun. Doyoung collapses next to Junkyu and chugs an oversized bottle of water.
Despite seemingly all the school harboring some kind of crush or enmity towards Junkyu, Doyoung is his one merciful gift. The younger is the only one who had ever treated Junkyu like, well, like a person. When they were strangers, they were strangers. When Doyoung sat next to Junkyu on the bus, they were bus mates. When Doyoung had offered Junkyu a snack when Junkyu had decided to hide in a corner near the dance room one lunch period, they became unspoken acquaintances. And when Doyoung had invited Junkyu to hide in the dance room one fateful day, that had marked the true beginning of their friendship, of being partners in crime, brothers from another mother, of being, actually. You know. Friends.
But you see, the issue of being friends with someone who’s 2 years younger than you means your friendship runs on a tight deadline, and Junkyu is graduating in a week.
In. One. Week.
And while he and Doyoung may not be the most visibly expressive or physically affectionate friends in the world, Junkyu considers Doyoung his little brother. There’s a lot he’d do for the younger, and he hopes Doyoung reciprocates those sentiments. However, whenever he tries to express these things, they fall on a heavy tongue and don’t ever leave his mouth.
They spend the morning as they usually do. Doyoung tells Junkyu about his latest escapades, about dancing, about his siblings, about his classes. And Junkyu tells Doyoung about his classes, about music, about singing, and hesitantly, a few minutes before the morning bell rings, Junkyu mentions one of the many things he wants to express to Doyoung.
“I’m…I’m going to college soon…”
Doyoung hums. He looks over—not noticing, or well, if he does notice—not showing any sign he recognizes the distressed tone that accompanies Junkyu’s words. There’s a few seconds of silence before Doyoung offers a worded response.
“...are you excited?”
Junkyu sighs heavily. As Junkyu turns his head, he sees that Doyoung’s gaze hasn’t left him. Junkyu takes it as an okay to start spilling his feelings, just a little bit. “No? Yes? I…I really don’t know.” Junkyu hugs his knees. “I know I should be excited. I’ve gotten accepted into the university I wanted to be accepted into. I’m graduating with honors. I’m going on a full ride. My mom is proud of me. My older brother has told me all about the university and has helped me be as prepared as I can for when I go living in a dorm as a freshman. I guess it’s just… a big change.”
Junkyu jumps slightly when Doyoung gently places his hand on Junkyu’s shoulder.
“I know, hyung.” A small, reassuring smile appears on Doyoung’s face. “I think you’ll be fine. You survived high school after all.”
At this, Junkyu chuckles, feeling some weight dissipate through his rhythmic releases of breath. “Well, almost. I’ve still got one more week.”
“Yeah, one more week of doing literally nothing in your classes when you could be skipping them. I don’t understand why you don’t just spend the last week at home.”
Doyoung’s right. There aren't any real academic reasons for Junkyu to be showing up at school. In fact, he should be relishing that he doesn’t need to stay a second longer in the social royale of their high school, but… there’s a part of Junkyu that still feels indebted to the few people who treated him well, teachers mostly. He’s made his rounds to most of his teachers, and he still needs to go and leave gifts to his fellow music club leaders. He has enough time to finish all his pleasantries by tomorrow, but there’s one person he needs to say something to before he can be satisfied to leave his high school life behind. And that person is sitting right next to him.
There’s one more minute before the bell rings, and he and Doyoung will need to go their separate ways. They won’t see each other again until the end of the day, where they’ll ride the afternoon bus home. Maybe he could just talk to Doyoung then? And not feel the pressure of opening up right now? But maybe it’d be a bad idea to spend the whole day thinking nonstop about what Junkyu is going to say? On one hand, he could have the time to gather the right words. On the other, he might just spend the whole time overthinking and grow more and more anxious. Maybe-
The bell rings.
Doyoung is very persuasive when he wants to be. He managed to convince Junkyu to just stop showing up to school 3 days earlier than Junkyu had planned, but he couldn’t argue against Doyoung’s impenetrable logic. The younger always had a talent for pointing out the obvious things that Junkyu would ignore, especially the things Junkyu would be too anxious to face on his own.
Gratefully, Junkyu had the most blissful 3 days he’s ever had since high school started 4 years ago.
Unfortunately, that meant Junkyu had completely forgotten about his urgency to say what he needed to say to Doyoung. And now, he’s graduating.
He’d be lying if he said he wasn’t reeling at the fact that he’s graduating. He may be desperate to escape his 4 years of social hell, but that doesn’t mean Junkyu isn’t as taken aback as every other senior is that he’s graduating. He’s going to be an adult. He’s going to college. He’s leaving home soon.
He’s going to have a blank slate soon.
Junkyu almost misses the cue to throw his gown cap into the air, so distracted by his own thoughts, but he’s quickly up to speed again, waving to the audience and finding his mom and older brother. Junkyu’s eyes freeze for a second when he spots someone he wasn’t expecting.
Doyoung?
Before Junkyu has the chance to question whether or not he’s hallucinating, people begin filing out of the auditorium. The crowd of now graduated seniors flood into the school hall. Junkyu goes to his family and gives them a big hug. As they’re asking if he’s ready to go, he hesitates. Junkyu turns back around, eyes scanning the crowd. He knows for sure he saw Doyoung in the chairs somewhere. There was no mistaking it, and Junkyu knows this’ll pretty much be his last chance to have the heart to heart conversation that Junkyu has been longing to have with a real friend for all of his high school years. Once Junkyu leaves, Doyoung will be going to the dance competitions he’s trained all semester for, and Junkyu will immediately be preparing to move across the country to university.
As Junkyu enters the crowd, his heart sinks. He finds Doyoung, but he sees the younger is in a crowd of the school’s small dance team. Doyoung hovers at the edge of the circle, his back poking out of the small group. Before Junkyu thinks to just turn around, Doyoung beats him to it. Actually, Doyoung isn’t just turned around facing him, he’s walking straight towards Junkyu.
“Hyung!” Doyoung calls out brightly. Doyoung drags Junkyu out of the midst of the crowd and away from the epicenter of an entire school grade’s volume. The density of people thins out, and Doyoung let’s Junkyu go. As always, Junkyu is appreciative to the younger doing things that Junkyu didn’t realize he needed. He hadn’t realized how dazed he was amidst all the commotion.
“Are you here for your dance mates?” Junkyu blurts out.
“No, not really. We’ve already had our year end meet that’s basically just a party to say goodbye to the graduating seniors.”
“Oh,” Junkyu replies dumbly. Suddenly, Doyoung shifts his weight, eyes askance. Junkyu stands there, not knowing what to do with himself or his uncharacteristic dongsaeng. There have been very few times Doyoung has acted vulnerable or uncertain around Junkyu, and when Doyoung does, Junkyu finds that all he really needs to do is silently be there for Doyoung. After a little bit, one of them will strike up a conversation, and in these specific cases, Junkyu becomes the one to start talking to comfort and distract the younger from whatever might be plaguing Doyoung. “Then…” Junkyu fishes for the right words.
“I’m here for you, hyung,” Doyoung says shyly but still in his usual direct way of going about things.
“Really? Why- me? Why me?” The words tumble out before Junkyu gets a chance to overthink how uncomfortably emotional they sound.
Doyoung doesn’t miss a beat. “You’re my friend, too. I’ll probably see my dance sunbaes at future competition and meets. I don’t know when the next time will be that I get to see you.”
“You’re not guaranteed to see your sunbaes in future competitions either, though?”
At this, Doyoung sighs. “Hyung, I just wanted to see you before you go.”
Junkyu stills, staring into the eyes of the younger, and thinks they’re the most expressive he’s ever seen Doyoung’s eyes. A lump begins forming in Junkyu’s throat. He feels tears threatening to escape, so before they fall, he pulls Doyoung into a tight hug, not wanting the younger to see him cry. “I’ll miss you, Doyoungie. I know you’ll do great during your competitions. Hyung will be cheering you on.”
Doyoung digs his head into Junkyu’s shoulder. The moment passes where Doyoung usually replies, so Junkyu fills in the space. “And hey, even if I’ll be busy, don’t be afraid to reach out to me.”
Doyoung chuckles wetly. “Okay. Make sure you actually respond to my messages when I do.” Junkyu gives Doyoung a rough head rub for that, even though Junkyu knows it’s true, and he really does need to get better at responding to people, especially Doyoung. The smile spread across Junkyu’s face feels glued on with the way it’s tugging at his cheeks.
“I’ll make sure to check my messages, specifically for you.”
Jihoon freezes when he sees the stream of people flood through his door, people he’s seen maybe once passing through the halls, others he swears aren’t even in his grade, and others he’s seen more times than he’d like.
“Ey yo! It’s the king! Thanks for the invite!”
Jihoon hasn’t even had anything to drink yet, and he already feels nauseous. That, or it’s just anxiety. Probably anxiety, now that Jihoon realizes he doesn’t feel comfortable in his own home anymore. The bass-boosted music reverberates through his house, through his head. He can already see it, the aftermath of the party crashers, the countless spills and wrecks—both emotionally and materially. He can see more disappointed glances and hear even more rumors, as endless as the gossip of his supposed stunts and craziness.
He’s walking toward Jaehyuk and Jeongwoo before he even realizes it. All it takes is a tug to the both of them, and they’re out the door. The wallflowers on the porch eye him but greet him amicably. He ignores the squeezing of his heart as he walks past them. At least, a polite distance is better than a veiled taunt.
He goes to lay on the driveway pavement.
“...hyung?” Jeongwoo asks, not needing to say anything more for Jihoon to understand that the younger is checking up on him.
“Yeah,” Jihoon breathes out. The consequent defeated sigh he lets out is all he can muster. There’s nothing more to say at this point.
King.
Jihoon hates that nickname.
He’s not entirely sure who bestowed it upon him, but he often wishes he could punch the person who did. Realistically though, he knows it likely wasn’t a single person who coined it, not when the general population of the school seems to put him on a pedestal so high that everyone around Jihoon is convinced they can’t truly see Jihoon.
Those with decency put him at arm's length. Those with chaos bring it to him. And despite the widespread opinion that Jihoon is the hottest, boldest, kindest, whatever boy in the whole school, he can count with only two fingers the people he could call friends. Everyone simply orbits around him. The brightest sun in the small universe of their high school. Only gaping and pointing, never approaching. And those who do are only there to flaunt themselves, to test their limits, and see how far they can push Jihoon over the edge.
Jihoon thinks he’s the worst kind of magnet to ever exist. Luck of the draw, Jihoon supposes, bitterly so. It’s what he gets for having parents on the board of education.
The party was only intended for a small group of his senior “friends,” and he had carefully combed through his list of “friends” in the hopes of maintaining roughly the same number of people entering and leaving the party. It’s the last month before Jihoon has to graduate, and he wanted to do something fun, something memorable, especially for the two younger ones sitting next to Jihoon’s head while he lays flat on the ground.
They’re an odd trio.
To the surprise of no one, they all met through one of Jihoon’s numerous parties. According to Jaehyuk, he had gone to Jihoon’s party incredibly excited to be invited to such a big gathering as a freshman. Too shy and careful to consume too much alcohol though, he became something of a designated guardian to his shitfaced friends at the end of the night. It was like that for a while until Jaehyuk, after an especially stressful week in the middle of his sophomore year, finally decided to join in, and when he woke up the next morning, he felt awful. Not just awful from the hangover, but awful from the guilt of the mess he made. And while Jihoon was busy running through his house to kick everyone out, Jaehyuk was cleaning the rooms and halls his spotty memory remembered he and his friends had pranced through and thoroughly trashed. As Jaehyuk was hauling several plastic shopping bags filled with various waste down the staircase, he finally met the host of the parties in person for the first time. Granted, Jaehyuk had definitely seen Jihoon’s face around the school and on social media—mostly on social media—but it was the first time he had actually come face to face with the boy.
It’s a good memory for Jihoon, one of his favorites. He remembers the sheepish state of the younger, hair disheveled, eyes bloodshot, expression ever so slightly panicked. It was that morning Jaehyuk and Jihoon bonded for the first time, through the powerful activity of scrubbing Jihoon’s house clean.
Jeongwoo’s meet with the elder two was very much similar to Jaehyuk’s. The boy, in one of his very first parties at Jihoon’s house, was peer pressured into taking shots, and while Jeongwoo still barely had his wits with him, he crawled up the stairs into a more isolated bathroom. Unbeknownst to Jeongwoo, Jaehyuk and Jihoon had spotted the younger boy as he sped past them on all fours. While Jihoon had initially ignored it as just another one of the many messes he’d have to clean up the morning after, Jaehyuk went and followed Jeongwoo, and despite Jihoon really not being in the mood to babysit anyone—partially because he needed to keep an eye on the party and partially because he was already tipsy while trying to keep an eye on said party—Jihoon reluctantly followed suit.
He immediately sobered up when he witnessed the sight of Jaehyuk comforting a sobbing Jeongwoo in the restroom. The poor boy, in his drunken state, was near incoherent and shaking like a tree. He kept blabbering through tears about how he didn’t want to drink and how his parents would think he’s an awful son and how he just wanted to have fun and how he thinks he drank too much and how he was too scared to go back down in fear of his peers’ judgment. In that instant, Jihoon adopted the boy, putting Jeongwoo to sleep in his room where the youngest of the then completed trio would be safe. And when Jeongwoo woke up the next morning, in his hungover yet embarrassed state, he also enthusiastically volunteered to join Jihoon and Jaehyuk in the clean up.
“Hey, you’ll be graduating soon!”
Jihoon’s thoughts are interrupted by Jaehyuk’s cheery voice.
“That’s right!” Jeongwoo adds on. “You won’t have to see these people ever again. You can make new friends. Meet new people. See new places. Ya know, go out and live your best college life.” Jeongwoo winks at Jihoon while nudging Jaehyuk.
“No!” Jaehyuk lightly slaps the back side of Jeongwoo’s head. “Bad Jeongwoo! No dirty thoughts!”
“Oh please hyung, it’s not like I don’t know what sex is-”
“Park Jeongwoo!”
Jihoon’s heart melts at the sight of the two bickering boys. “Alright, alright, you two.” Jihoon shuts them up as he sits up on the pavement and scoots back, so he can throw an arm around each of their shoulders. “You’re right. I can’t let this bring me down.”
He falters again when a realization sinks in.
Jaehyuk and Jeongwoo know that ever since senior year started for Jihoon, the prospect of college is something the eldest has been talking about nonstop. The college life. Working hard, playing hard. Going out. Exploring a city at night. Reserved rooms for huge study groups. The community of being in college. Away from the cliques of his high school. Away from the staleness of his schoolmates.
Away from the fakeness. The facades. The social pressures.
Finding a group of friends he can call his own. His ride or dies.
But deep down, there’s been another thing on his mind that’s been gnawing at Jihoon the closer and closer graduation gets.
Without Jaehyuk and Jeongwoo, he’ll have no one again. The cycle will start over again. Of Jihoon wanting a place to belong. A place to accept him for who he is. A place, a group of people he can truly pledge his loyalty to and know they’ll do it back, without question, without condition.
“Hyung? Hyuuuunnnggg?” Jaehyuk and Jeongwoo are waving their hands in front of Jihoon.
“Oh. Sorry,” Jihoon responds blankly.
“What were you thinking so hard about?” Jaehyuk asks.
As the words form a response in Jihoon’s head, a fellow senior student Jihoon recognizes comes out. “Hey, some juniors have started downing kegs in the kitchen. Do you wanna-”
“What?! Juniors?! Kegs?!”
“Er, ye-”
Jihoon curses under his breath. He throws an apologetic glance to Jaehyuk and Jeongwoo. They both give a thumbs up as Jeongwoo yells, “Don’t worry! Your cleanup crew has got your back!”
An appreciative smile spreads across Jihoon’s face.
He’s really going to miss them.
He turns to rush back in, wondering who the hell decided to bring whole fucking kegs when he already has plenty of alcohol provided and wondering if he should commit homicide against some juniors tonight. God, he was dreading the cleaning he was going to have to do before his parents got back into town.
Jihoon had considered throwing another party to ease his tension and stave off his restlessness, but every time he thought about it, he remembered his last party he threw at the beginning of the month and immediately shut down the notion. Jihoon will admit, it was definitely one of the craziest parties, one for the books, but it was also one of the worst parties he’s ever had to damage control. Jihoon had only found out afterwards, but apparently, his originally intended, “destress before finals” party for seniors had become twisted through the grapevine into, “last and biggest event of the year before one of the most popular boys in the school graduates” party.
Fuck whatever reputation the school has for him. There’s only two people in the entire student body he cares for. Everyone else? He hopes he never has to see their fucking faces ever again.
Jihoon forces a smile as he stands up on stage, eyes directed vaguely toward the darkened auditorium but not really looking at anything. His parents are there, somewhere. He couldn’t care less. He’ll just find them when everything is over and quickly make his escape.
As graduation ends, Jihoon gives his best polite student expression to the teacher and faculty, as well as his best laid back, charismatic expression to the students who greet him and try to get his attention. Jihoon waves them off with as friendly of dismissive gestures as he can give, rushing out of the crowd. He spots his parents speaking to his school’s administrators and hears the group of “friends” call after him. With a quick mental cost-benefit analysis, he decides he’d rather deal with the formalities of his influential parents and their chitchat over whatever empty thing his “friends” will want to invite him to do.
He’s banking on whatever the hell Jaehyuk and Jeongwoo have planned for him. Apparently, the two have schemed something behind his back. Jihoon was spared every detail about it when finals week had ended and the two basically pounced the older to ensure Jihoon didn’t accept any invite or solicitation to any social gathering except for their’s. He’s done well so far to dodge any and every conversation that includes even a hint for a proposition to some gathering with people Jihoon wouldn’t give a shit about.
As he approaches his parents, Jihoon returns back to his polite student mask. He greets his parents, speaks to the faculty that sing praises about him, and mindlessly nods at whatever small talk the administrators make to suck up to his family. Jihoon can’t help but begin to impatiently tap his foot. Of course, while making sure it looks subtle enough to not break his image. He swipes his eyes between his family and the end of the hall, willing for his only two true friends to appear.
Jihoon has nearly given up when he finally sees two excited boys rush out into the middle of the hall, wildly waving him over. He really wants to heave a loud sigh of relief but reigns it in to pleasantly inform his parents he’ll be leaving early with two friends. They acknowledge him, only reminding him to be home by a certain time, and Jihoon is off, strutting down the hall as he smirks at them.
“Alright, what the hell have you two cooked up?”
Jeongwoo breaks into a blinding grin. “We’re gonna have a boat party.”
Jihoon blinks. “A what?”
“A boat party!” Jeongwoo repeats cheerily.
Jihoon narrows his eyes. “...A boat party? Where? How many people? With who?”
“Oh relax, it’s nothing crazy. You’re gonna worry yourself into an early grave if you-”
Jaehyuk throws a hand over Jeongwoo’s mouth, the younger emitting muffled complaints in protest. “It’s a boat Jeongwoo and I rented, split between the 2 of us. It’ll be out on the lake. And it’ll just be us 3, no one else. Promise.”
Jihoon is still, mouth hung open in shock. As Jeongwoo manages to rip Jaehyuk’s hand off his mouth, he looks pleadingly at Jihoon. “Please? Is that a yes?”
The smile that spreads across Jihoon’s face is so unbearably wide it aches his cheeks. “Hell yeah. What’s the plan?”
Jeongwoo and Jaehyuk usher Jihoon out of the school while giving a quick rundown. It’s simple. They’ll go over to Jaehyuk’s house to sleep for the night, and at sunrise, they’ll make sure to wake up early enough so they can watch the sunrise on the lake. Jeongwoo hops into Jihoon’s car, tongue sticking out at Jaehyuk, since Jeongwoo gets to ride in Jihoon’s nice Mercedes-Benz. Jaehyuk flips the younger boy off before driving to his house.
When they get there, they’re greeted by Jaehyuk’s family, and the night is spent playing video games after a delicious home-cooked meal made by Jaehyuk’s mom. For once in Jihoon’s night owl life, he goes to sleep early, determined to wake up on time so he can carry out the celebration his two precious dongsaengs had planned for him.
Waking up the next morning, Jihoon goes to the restroom to go through his morning routine. He can’t help but laugh at the crusty eyes and puffed up face that meets him when he goes to look in the mirror.
“HYUNG!”
“AH!” Jihoon yells and recoils and finds Jaehyuk laughing in the doorway. Jihoon pays Jaehyuk in kind by putting him in a chokehold. With some convincing, Jaehyuk manages to coax Jihoon into letting him go by cutting the older a deal to scare Jeongwoo awake together.
The scream the youngest lets out wakes up the whole house, and Jihoon and Jaehyuk end up on their knees apologizing to Jaehyuk’s parents.
They eventually make it onto the boat as Jaehyuk opens a compartment to hand Jihoon a glass bottle of cola. As they ride out in the cool morning air, Jihoon’s breath catches in his mouth. It’s a little chilly, but the image of the sun rising over the horizon, the water condensing into a foggy mist floating up from the lake, and most importantly, the sight of the two boys watching the scene in awe with Jihoon, makes it all worth it. Jihoon grabs them both, pulling them in. Jaehyuk yelps and Jeongwoo squawks indignantly at the sudden movement. As the former is laughing and the latter is wriggling in Jihoon’s hold, they both still and smile in satisfaction when Jihoon mumbles lowly into their shoulders.
“Thank you.”