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“Hey,” You whisper, setting down the bowl of popcorn. “Can you do that thing?”
Raph briefly tore his attention from your TV. “That…thing?”
He stares blankly at you, slightly unsure. You were both relatively quiet for the last hour or so, fully engrossed in your bi-weekly movie marathon. Your request came sort of out of nowhere.
It was a cute little tradition you and Raph shared. Of course you loved watching movies with the other turtles, but even you needed a break from the whole group every once in a while. He would show you some of his favorite movies, you’d show him yours. You’d both react with varying levels of excited interest, or mild confusion. You were usually the one who made Raph concerned with your weird taste in cinema. A lot of obscure comedies…and sometimes horror, if you could sneak it in.
At this point, you were knee-deep in the John Wick franchise since tonight was Raph’s choice. You loved anything with Keanu, obviously, but for some reason seeing all the wanton physical violence was making you antsy. Not nervous, just restless in general. The decent thing to do would be just to get up and walk around a bit, loosen up your tense muscles. But there was that other thing you and Raph did that you couldn’t really do with the other turtles.
You heave yourself off of the groove you carved into your couch, letting a couple stray popcorn pieces fall from your shirt.
“Yup, the thing! Beat me like an old rug.” You grin and step out into the open area of your living room.
Raph’s eyes flit around, perturbed by your analogy. “Uh, if you say so? I don’t mind throwin’ ya around, but why–”
He stops as he watches you rearrange your more breakable furniture. Which was…well, all of it. You set the lamps and various knick knacks in a laundry basket and quickly scooch your couch aside. Once the stage is finally set, you give Raph a shrug.
“It helps me relax. Now ‘John Wick’ me.”
Letting your body go slack, you turn on your heel and trust fall into Raph’s strong embrace. He chuckles, easily holding you up.
“You don’t really want me to slam you into the wall, right? And then find every sharp object I can and fling it at your face?” He jokes.
“That does sound tempting,” you hum, moving your arms up. “Maybe tone it down a bit.”
Like clockwork, Raph slides his hands under your arms and scoops you up. He cradles you delicately, carefully like one would treat a baby. He even puts his palm under your head, making you feel positively nestled.
Then, he bodyslams you into the floor with a loud THUMP.
The photos hanging on your wall shake from the impact, and the popcorn bowl teetered dangerously close to the edge of the coffee table.
“Woo! That’s the stuff.”
Raph didn’t really use his full force, he didn’t think he had it in him anyway. Just some playful roughhousing was all it was. Lightly (in reality, it was actually pretty harsh, but this was in Raph terms), he digs his sharp elbow into the middle of your back. You feel your spine stiffen, almost painfully so– before you both hear a loud pop. Another huff of relief escapes your lips, letting Raph know you were doing just fine.
“Jeez, you need to see a chiropractor.” Raph smiles, lifting you up. “Get ready.”
“I know, but this is much cheaper.”
In an instant, he flings you into the air. You smile contentedly as you sail, reveling in the sensation of being suspended, until you’re grabbed by Raph again. Wrapping his arms around your midsection, he essentially just gives you the tightest hug you think you’ve ever gotten. Nearly all the wind in your lungs gets squeezed out, but it felt nice. Maybe this was a form of stimming, you were still kind of unclear about why you liked getting handled so roughly. You were just happy that Raph was so down to indulge your needs.
You don’t really notice when Raph angles your bodies back up, with him sitting on the carpet and you in his lap. In the background, John kept dispatching High Table lackeys with ease.
“That looks so fun. I wish I could be a stunt person, get paid to have Keanu Reeves beat me up!”
Your voice uses up the last breath you had stored, and you let out a tiny, high-pitched wheeze at the end. Raph eases up on the hug and allows you to take a much-needed inhale. After just a couple of moves, you were satiated. He knew even when he was giving you the most diluted form of his strength, you needed some respite. His orders, not yours.
“You need more?” He snorts, waiting for you to give him an answer after a couple of deep breaths. He puts a gentle hand on your back and attempts to soothe you back to normal.
His tender touches make you relax again, and you practically melt into him. If only you could have Raph on standby wherever you went. Work, going to the grocery store, what have you. You would use any excuse to be physically intimate with him.
You mumble and debate with yourself, throwing up your hands to weigh your options. “Eh, I think I’m good for now. Thanks, big guy.”
You knew he wasn’t really used to being so casually violent with anyone who wasn’t his immediate family. Despite not being a mutant or a ninja, Raph thought you were actually pretty sturdy. Or at least had a higher pain tolerance than most. Whatever it was, he was glad he didn’t really have to worry about accidentally hurting you or anything. You were a tough cookie, if not a little odd. Your taste in movies was honestly a little stranger to him than this.
Raph’s gaze dipped from the screen back down to you. “I have served, I will be of service.”
He shoots you a subtle smirk. Looking up at his smug expression, you don’t miss the clever reference he just made. Your eyes remain locked for a couple more seconds, and you try to decide the best response. You should probably know other John Wick quotes, if you were paying attention the last 4 hours or so.
But watching Raph’s mouth curl into a slow, steady smile was making you a little distracted. You hated whenever he did that, especially when his fang poked through. And he knew it was your one and only weakness, the fiend!
“Damn it.” You scoff, playfully shoving his face away. “You win.”
Raph grins even harder, gathering you up into a regular, loving hug. One that hopefully wouldn’t squeeze you anymore than you needed to be tonight.
“I mean it, I’m glad I can do this for you. To you?” He quirks his head to the side.
“Yeah…” You knit your eyebrows together, all of the sudden feeling your tension fading away. It was being replaced with something else, something you didn’t want to have happen right now.
You were sleepy. And a yawn was building up in your throat. No, you still had a movie and a half of action-packed thrills to get through! Not like this…
After an internal battle, you eventually stretch out your tenderized limbs and let out a loud yawn. Why was relaxation such a close relative to tiredness?
“Hahh…No, no I didn’t mean it! I’m not tired.” You argue.
However, Raph had already swept you back up into his arms. “Too late! It’s happening.”
You had a sneaking suspicion that he was taking you to bed, but when you felt him reach over to pause the movie, that was the nail in the coffin. Your comfy, pillowy coffin.
“I’m not sleepy. And even if I was, I’ll just fall asleep on the couch and lean my head against your arm, all romantic-like. Doesn’t that sound amazing?”
Your body continues to disobey you. Eyelids growing heavy, the familiar feeling of tranquility warming you up. Your bones became jelly. Knees weak, arms spaghetti.
“It’s already too late, your bed is right over there…” Ralph’s low, sing-song voice only made you even more relaxed.
Once he lays you delicately upon your sheets, you fold. You felt syrupy, like thick molasses, your brain becoming dulled with fuzzy thoughts. All your movements were slowed as you lazily kicked off your socks. Thankfully, you were already basically in your pajamas, or else Raph would have surely had to help your change.
Not that you wouldn’t mind that…
“Why are you so soothing?” You whine. His big, surprisingly cuddly body and mere presence was making your vision blurry. He was like a balm for the soul.
Raph only responded by carefully crawling onto your bed, the mattress having long since lost all its spring. It was sort of a sad, saggy mess of pillows now, but it felt extremely comfortable nonetheless. And supportive. You haven’t exactly slept next to him before, but Raph definitely sat with you on your bed plenty of times. Mostly to just show you internet videos and whatnot, or to chat. You two could talk for hours if you wanted, but right now your faculties were dwindling.
Once you get all comfy and cozy, fluffing the pillows and rearranging the blankets to your specifications, you get antsy again.
What, did you need a glass of warm milk or something? What was making you so weird all of the sudden? The bed was cool, but not cold. Just the way you liked it. And of course Raph was next to you, curled up into his own little nest.
“You okay? I can move if I’m crowding ya…”
Despite literally all the other perks of sharing a bed with you, the closeness, the comfort, the intimacy, he kind of hated how big he was. He took up nearly all of the space, even with part of his body still on the floor. Right now, he was just kneeling beside you, resting his head on your mountain of stuffed animals you kept in the bottom corner of your bed. It was his little area you made up for him, a courteous gesture that warmed his heart every time he saw your room.
You sigh, shifting around to find a better sleeping position. Maybe you were just lying wrong.
“You’re fine, I’m just kinda— I dunno.” You move to lay your head on your folded arm.
You were usually a side sleeper, and a chaotic one at that. Another reason why you never really liked to sleep with Raph, or anyone for that matter, was because you sort of thrashed. And starfished, your legs needing the entirety of the bed to feel comfortable. And you snored. You were a real Sleeping Beauty.
“This is gonna sound weird, but I feel…weird? I know that makes no sense.”
“S’not weird. What’s up?” Raph chirps, lifting his head off of your various plushes to meet your eyes.
You knew he understood what you meant by ‘weird.’ It was like being tossed around, the physical repetition made you feel normal. Made you feel a little less out of place. Sometimes, usually for no reason at all, the world would feel off its axis. The weather would be wrong, or an overhead light would be too yellow. Silly things that shouldn’t bother anyone nearly as much as it bothered you, but they did. You couldn’t put it into words, and it took a lot of time for you to talk to Raph about it.
But, once again, he accepted you with an open mind and an open heart. And open arms. Just a lot of openness all around. And you were eternally grateful to him.
You roll your head around to look at him at the foot of your bed. His eyes looked slightly unsure, but his kind smile put you at ease.
“It’s hard to explain, but I just can’t relax today. I don’t know what it is.” You admit.
Before you could even ask, Raph’s arms creeped their way back over to you. You accept them, moving your arms around to hold his head as well. You felt a little bashful, being so touched-starved. But you needed to feel Raph, even for a moment.
“What do you need? Do you wanna talk, not talk?”
You shake your head. It really wasn’t that bad, at least not so bad that he needed to do his little spiel. You hadn’t had a full-on breakdown in quite some time. But this was different.
“No, it’s not that. I just need to move, but my body won’t let me!” You give him a crooked smile, weakly waving your legs around. “I feel so stupid.”
Immediately, Raph shushes you. “You are not stupid.”
He waits until you look him in the eye again, before going on. It’s a firm but loving look, making your heart flutter. You think he’s about to lecture you when his resolve breaks, his eye ridge rising to give you an affectionate smirk.
When he speaks, his tone is resolute. It sends a shiver up your worked-out spine.
“I’m serious.”
“I know you are. I’m serious too,” you murmur. “I’m sorry. I know when I get like this— Woah.”
You didn’t realize it, but Raph was slowly moving to fully sit on the bed. His spiky shell was cushioned by your many pillows and plushies, shielding your wall from any damage. Before you know it, he has you cradled in his arms again. Only this time, he was actually holding you.
No, he was rocking you? You felt your body being swayed gently back and forth.
“Raph, I didn’t mean…” You frown, trying to hide your blush. “I’m not complaining, but I didn’t think you’d actually—“
“Rock you? Of course I would.” He states flatly, almost dismissively.
How the heck did he know…?
You didn’t tell him you actually liked to be held like this? Well, you’d like Raph to hold you in whatever way he pleased if you were being honest. But the swaying thing was something you did when you were by yourself. If you were having trouble falling asleep, you would usually play some ambient music or something. But the physical sensation of being rocked was enough to knock you out cold.
“You’re kind of scary when you read my mind like that.” You fidget with the fabric of your oversized shirt, whispering into the curve of Raph’s shoulder.
You hear him say something, and your head bobs back up. Dang, he was good.
“Wha?” You sputter.
Raph chuckles, staring into your eyes. Although it was becoming harder and harder the more your eyelids droop.
“I said you read my mind sometimes too. Like when I’m hungry, you’re right there with a snack. Or if I’m feeling lonely, you shoot me a text. Or call me. If you aren’t already right next to me,” he smiles, reminiscing to himself.
You try to actively listen as Raph drones on about this and that. The soft rumble of his voice in his chest, the body heat emanating from him, all of it lulled you deeper into slumber. Your concentration was hanging on by a thread, struggling to keep yourself awake. It had been ages since you felt this tired. Or rather, sleepy. This felt much more like ‘sleepy.’
“I get how you feel, by the way. Sometimes I need to go work out or punch a wall if I’m feeling stressed. Even if I’m not feeling stressed, it just feels nice to do.”
Raph takes the opportunity to look around your bedroom again. The only source of light was coming from the hall, a sliver cutting across the floor, up to the wall. You had a lot of stuff, it was actually kind of funny. Raph had a lot of stuff too, but his room was mostly full of exercise equipment or stuffed animals. He thought it was a little weird, but you insisted that it wasn’t.
Maybe he should take his own advice every once in a while.
You had a lot of movie posters hanging from the wall, among other magazine clippings and such. It was a collage of your personality. A couple months ago, he wouldn’t know what half of the posters were. But after your movie nights, he could at least name some of them. Your room was what a kind person would call an ‘organized chaos.’ Everything had its place, but your method of organizing seemed to be just stacking things until they couldn’t be stacked anymore. A couple of piles of books and clothes littered the floor.
Raph had been absentmindedly rocking you, his body going to autopilot. He wasn’t sure how long it had been exactly, but he continued.
For a moment, he feels a snicker come on. It felt kind of like he was rocking a baby to sleep. Not that he really knew what that felt like, he didn’t really know any babies. There was that woman in Times Square who shoved her baby into his arms and took some souvenir pictures. The memory was sort of bittersweet to him. Like the only reason why anyone would allow him to hold a baby was because it was a novelty. Nobody in their right mind would let Raph, the spiky, lumbering oaf that he was, actually hold anyone. Not anyone that deserved so much love and care.
Your soft mumblings rouse Raph, and you seem to almost talk in your sleep. It startles him a bit, but he stays calm.
“You’re like…the best. I feel so held, you feel like home. Like from Midsommar, only for real. Y’know?”
Raph gulps, feeling awkward for the first time tonight. Did you know you were a sleep talker too? He guessed you wouldn’t really know that kind of thing, but it was fascinating. Raph wanted to stay up all night to just watch what you did when he wasn’t around. Totally not in a creepy way or anything!
He’s almost afraid to say anything, lest he disturbed you. He wanted to let you sleep, or do whatever you needed to do. Did you guys always quote so many movies around each other that you did it in your sleep? You were so cute, even like this.
You snuggle closer to Raph, your arms instinctively curling around his waist. They didn’t come anywhere near wrapping around his entire body. Raph had to bite down a guffaw when he felt your fingers ghost over the area between his plastron and his shell.
“Gheh—!” He shudders.
He wasn’t normally so ticklish, but the current situation found him a little…vulnerable.
In your mind, the only thing you could think about was clinging onto Raph. He did so much for you, and you wished you could help him relieve half as much stress as he did for you. You hoped you did, you knew you did. Insecurities aside, all you wanted to do was hold him. Cradle him. Even if your puny arms weren’t big enough.
“Do I feel like home to you? Do you feel held? I want to hold you…” Your words tumble out of your mouth, slurred and dripping with sleep.
There’s that movie again. Why did you keep bringing it up? Raph wanted to tease you, maybe flick you in the nose. But he wouldn’t dare. That movie was actually pretty good, minus all the insanely disturbing parts. Those lines must have really resonated with you for some reason.
Still, Raph gave your half-awake ramblings some serious consideration. Of course you felt like home to him, it went without question. The being held part was a little less straightforward. And a little more blush-inducing.
Even if you were currently holding him, your arms snaked around his waist and everything.
Softly, Raph speaks up. His voice cracked a bit with a bashful hiccup.
“I, uh— I guess I do feel…held.”
You hold him even tighter.
Raph blushes even harder.
Despite being mostly asleep, you had an impressive amount of strength. Enough to make Raph take notice. It didn’t feel desperate or needy, more like one person trying their best to make the other feel secure.
Deep down, Raph knew. He would tell you some other day, when you were more awake, that he did sometimes feel like he needed a break. Not that he didn’t love supporting you and his family, not at all. It was just…
“I put so much pressure on myself. I’m getting better about asking for help, but when you’ve gotten by for so long without asking, it’s sort of weird. I don’t hold it against anyone, but I wish someone was there to—“
Raph shook his head, he didn’t even know what he was talking about really. Even so, he felt bad for letting off steam like this. But you probably weren’t even listening anymore. The soft sound of snoring down below made it pretty obvious.
With the utmost care, Raph tried to tuck you back into bed. He thought if he just moved out from under you, you would slide back into your spot on the mattress.
The bed squeaked a bit as he crawled away, making him stop.
“Phew…” He sighs, gently starting to peel you from his body.
You didn’t really want to come off though.
“Huh.”
Your arms were locked in place, refusing to be removed from Raph’s person. A few seconds of mild struggling was all it took for him to give up. He smiles, a warmth spreading through his chest.
“I guess I’m not going anywhere.”
He settles back into his spot, pillows and stuffed animals still in place, before letting his mind wander again.
He almost wished you were awake, so that you could talk some sense into him. You were really smart, and one of the people he trusted most to vent to. Venting was good, it let you get all the weird thoughts out of your brain and out into the air. A weight still sat on Raph’s shoulders, so he looked back down to you.
You looked so calm and peaceful, snoozing away. Raph’s seen you take naps before, but watching you sleep was a bit different. This was your room, your private space. It was a great honor to him that you let him into it so easily.
Slowly, your arms begin to go slack and ease off. Raph watches on as you turn and get into another sleeping position, one that had you facing the door instead of him. His heart drops a little when he feels your absence.
He wanted– no, needed to have your arms around him again.
It felt like he didn’t deserve it. Or he didn’t deserve to have so much of you. Raph had to stop himself from getting lost in his guilty thoughts as he inches closer to you.
As his face got closer to yours, he watched to make sure he didn’t wake you. You must be a pretty heavy sleeper. Once you were down, you were down.
Looking at you was stirring up all kinds of new feelings within Raph. Admiration, serenity, a profound bond that couldn’t be broken. All his intrusive thoughts and worries didn’t mean a thing when he was next to you.
Without a sound, his free arm reaches up and encircles your waist, pulling the two of you together. His plastron was nearly flush with your back, and his knees were close to hitting the back of your thighs. The position was almost a little too intimate, Raph wasn’t familiar with how your body felt like this. He felt even more uncomfortable with what to do with his own, but he couldn’t pull away.
You made him feel cozier and safer than anyone else.
“Thank you,” he whispers, a yearning hidden behind his words.
Wordlessly, you stir. With the last bit of consciousness you had left, you move your right hand down from underneath your cheek to lie on top of Raph’s. You give him a light but reassuring squeeze, clutching at his large fingers. It was your way of saying ‘no, thank you.’
When you do so, Raph’s eyes welled up with tears. They had been building up for a while, but your hand was so soothing, enough to let him let out all the pent-up emotions he was holding onto. He wasn’t one to cry easily, but you meant so much to him.
Raph and you together, it just made sense.