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Conceptually, Murphy knew that Raven had forgiven him. She must have for them to be in this budding relationship. They haven’t discussed his gnawing guilt since Becca’s lab, but he sees how she looks at him– a tenderness that gives no trace of any blame, fury, or disgust. Usually, their teasing banter and late-night embraces are enough to bury the loudest parts of his guilt. Usually, he can poke fun at her bum leg, and they can laugh as if he wasn’t responsible for it. But it was in times like this that the sleepy bones of his regret shuttered awake.
“Fucking hell,” Raven grinded out through clenched teeth. She was hunched over in their bed, with one fist kneading forcefully at the small of her back. It felt as though the scar tissue around her spine was pulsating and bubbling beneath her skin, causing phantom pains to shoot down her leg.
It had only been a few weeks that Murphy and Raven started sharing a bed on the Ring. While he had witnessed her injury causing achy and slow mornings, he was unfamiliar with this striking pain that had roused her awake.
At first, Murphy sleepily assumed that Raven was just readjusting herself to get comfortable. It wasn’t until he heard her labored breathing that he realized something was wrong. “Rae?” he turned over to look at her. He could hardly see her in the nearly pitch-dark room, but the silhouette of her rigid posture was enough to put the pieces together.
Murphy launched into a sitting position and placed his hand over hers. “Ice or heat?” He blurted so quickly that his words nearly smushed into each other.
“Ice.” Raven breathed out.
Not a moment was wasted as Murphy hurried out of the bedroom to grab an ice pack from the freezer. He flicked the lights on upon re-entering the room and hastily wrapped one of his shirts around the pack. Repositioning himself on the bed, Murphy gently tugged Raven’s hand away from her back. “I got it,” he murmured, while lacing his fingers into her now free hand. “Is here good?” Murphy asked after a moment, wanting to confirm that he was placing the ice in as relieving a place as possible.
Raven nodded jerkily, “Yeah, that’s fine.” They’d been on the Ring for almost four months, and this was the first time she’d woken up in this amount of pain since being on the ground. Although the familiar aches and creaks had continued to gnaw at her, she had hoped that being in space had somehow cured these excruciating muscle spasms.
Now that he was still and fully awake, Murphy’s attention had nothing else to focus on but his girlfriend’s pain. He struggled to stay present with her, but the worst of his self-deprecating and guilt-ridden thoughts were unearthed all at once. He felt that although her mind forgave him, her body never would. In that moment, he was certain that this was her body’s way of protesting his very existence. Protesting the audacity of him to claim that he cared for her after lodging a bullet into her spine.
Although it was irrational, Murphy believed his presence was only worsening the pain. He felt the urge to jump out of bed and put as much distance between them as was possible on the ship. However, an even stronger impulse refused to leave her to deal with this alone. He owed her at least that.
As the minutes dragged by, he wondered whether the cold pack was having any effect at all. Raven remained in a hunched position, one hand still intertwined with Murphy’s, while the other was now cradling her head. “It’s doesn’t usually hurt like this,” she said quietly, rubbing circles with her thumb across the back of Murphy’s hand. “Plus, it doesn’t last for very long.”
Murphy tensed as he realized that Raven was trying to reassure him. He was the one who cursed her with this pain, and she was trying to comfort him. “Don’t-” He started but cut himself off. He wanted to say so much more. He wanted to convince her of how terrible of a person he was and that he didn’t deserve her forgiveness. He wanted to apologize until his vocal cords were raw and burning. He wanted to take away the pain of her past, present, and future and condemn himself to live with it.
“What can I do?” Murphy’s voice was low and desperate.
Raven was quiet for a moment, deciding whether to challenge his spiraling guilt. She concluded that the effort would be fruitless, and frankly, she didn’t have the energy for it. Given that she was also intimately familiar with shame and guilt, she knew there was nothing she could say to help lessen that burden. If she was honest with herself, she wasn’t sure if she’d fully forgiven him. But she knew that amidst the pain and reduced mobility, she no longer blamed him. She’d been able to acknowledge that he was culpable without being weighed down by rage.
Rather than argue with him, she reached behind to remove the ice pack from his hand and stretched to lay down. Her muscles twinged at the motion, though the pain had subsided to a deep ache. With her body turned towards him, she whispered with a lazy smile “Just hold me.”
Murphy closed his eyes for a moment and sighed. He soon joined her to lay down and wrapped an arm around her. Gently, he pulled her towards him and she nestled her head into the crook of his neck. Although his guilt continued to shriek, for her sake, he wanted to be what she needed. For some reason beyond his comprehension, she still wanted him, and he would set the universe ablaze before hurting her again.