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It is a peaceful day like any other as Byakuya sits behind his desk with a stack of reports to read and a cup of tea that is too hot and too strong for his tastes. Renji sits on the other side of the room, shuffling papers restlessly, mumbling under his breath as he reads, and Byakuya has to take a deep breath, reminding himself that he puts up with Renji’s noise—and bad tea—for several good reasons.
And when two men come strolling into his office without even a cursory knock, Byakuya realises that his peaceful day is gone, and that this is one of those times when Renji can be somewhat helpful.
“Yo, Renji,” Ikkaku drawls, tapping a bokuto against his shoulder. With his free hand, he reaches into his gaping uniform and scratches lazily at his stomach.
Byakuya continues to read the report in his hand, while his left eyebrow starts to twitch.
Yumichika props one hip on Renji’s desk, and trails a fingertip from Renji’s exposed collarbone to a much lower place. He purrs, “Hello,” and smirks when Renji jumps.
“Uh,” Renji says, his face almost as red as his hair. “Ikkaku-san, Yumichika-san. W-Wassup?”
“Nothin’ much,” Ikkaku shrugs.
Concentrating fiercely, Byakuya forces his eyebrow to stop twitching.
“We were sent here by Zaraki-taichou to apologise,” Yumichika says, with a graceful shrug of his own. “Apparently we were very noisy when we brought our friends home to play last night.”
“In his words, ‘you bastards messed with the princess’s beauty sleep and I din’t get none this mornin’ so go and fuckin’ apologise or I’ll chop off your useless dicks’,” Ikkaku elaborates.
Byakuya’s eyebrow starts to twitch madly in a way that no amount of willpower can stop, and when the two of them approach his desk, he claps his hand over his face and glares at them coldly with one eye.
Yumichika bows elegantly, and murmurs, “We’re deeply sorry for disturbing your sleep, Ane-san.”
Ikkaku dips his head and says, “Sorry, Ane-san.”
Byakuya stiffens.
Yumichika smirks.
Ikkaku scratches lazily at his stomach.
Renji looks blank.
When he recovers from the cataclysmic realisation that an entire division of uncouth thugs consider him to be their captain’s wife, Byakuya releases a dark, menacing reiatsu that fills up the room, until Ikkaku and Yumichika have cold sweat sliding down their spines and Renji makes a sound like he’s choking on his own spit.
Byakuya throws a one-eyed glare at him, and this is when Renji finally realises that he can, in fact, be useful.
“Ikkaku-san, Yumichika-san, I think we should go! Go to, uh, eat lunch!” he says loudly. He jumps to his feet, grabs the other two by the back of their uniforms and literally drags them out of the room. “Going on my break now Taichou be back in an hour right bye!”
The office is oddly silent once they’re gone, and Byakuya takes a deep, calming breath; eventually the twitching in his eyebrow stops. He takes a sip of his tea, which is still too strong but now at the perfect temperature, and he tells himself to be thankful that he has Renji as a vice-captain. After all, it could be worse.
From the doorway, Yachiru shrieks, “Byakuyan, I came to plaaaaaay!”