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It hurts. It fucking hurts.
Beatrice thought. What hurts? She’s not too sure. Everything. Her legs, her arms, her stomach, her face, her eyes, her hands…her heart. All of it was just in pain.
Beatrice limped to the bathroom to check if there was anything that was causing the unbearable pain. She hit the switch to turn the lights on and upon first glance, her face didn’t have any marks. She slowly began to strip her clothes, every time she moved, she was in agony. Her sweatshirt was the first to come off. She extended her arms to investigate and there was nothing. She looked down at her chest and her stomach and nothing. She removed her sweatpants next. And despite the sweatpants being new and soft, she felt the scratching of it as it went down her leg. The intense pain lingered even after it pooled in her ankles. Aside from the faint bruise she got a week and a half ago from sparring, there was nothing. She removed her socks, her sports bra, and finally her underwear. And there was nothing. She frantically looked at herself in the mirror to see if she was just missing places that she cannot look at due to its physical location. Nothing. Nothing but the natural marks that she’s had ever since she can remember.
Beatrice’s breath hitched. Not like when she’s physically exerting herself. That type she can control. She had to control. No, this was something else. She didn’t know what it was. Then her heart was not racing but it was beating significantly loudly. Like there was a cage slowly closing in and her heart was trying to get out. Beatrice trying to catch her breath drew big gulps of air. But it didn’t help. She started sweating. She felt the drops of sweat on her back, on her forehead landing at her eyebrow. She didn’t understand how she was sweating as she was naked, nothing was covering her at all. As the sweat kept falling down her body, she started shivering. Like she was also cold. Her breath was getting shallower. The rise and fall of her chest was now much more noticeable. She clutched her chest, trying to calm down her now racing heart, but it was no use.
She looked at the mirror again to double check that she was not hallucinating. What she saw was not… No. A look of horror on Beatrice’s face. It was her from 6 years ago. Her head was covered by the tactical habit she used to wear. Beatrice backed away from the mirror and touched her face, when she realized what day it was.
“NO. NOOOO. NOOOOOOOOOO.” Beatrice screamed in agony. Then she felt her knees go weaker. Unable to hold her weight anymore. She collapsed.
Thud.
The front door opened.
“NO. PLEASE. PLEASE STOP. PLEASE. NO. I CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE.”
Thud. The sound of glass shattering was heard by the front door.
“Beatrice, babe, where are you?” An unfamiliar voice asked.
“PLEASE DON’T LET HER DIE. NO. PLEASE. I WANT HER TO STAY. I WANT MY…” Bea broke down and started crying and hugging herself to protect herself from these feelings.
“Bea?” The voice spoke again in an alarmingly concerned voice. An unsure step. Once more. The sound of jeans crinkling can be heard. A quiet thud as the knees touch the floor.
“Bea, it’s Charlie. Can you hear me?”
Let me go
“NO AVA. NO. NO.”
“Bea, it’s Charlie, your wife. I’m going to touch you, okay.” Charlie said while trying to hold back tears. She knew what was going on.
Charlie took one of the towels and gently placed it around Beatrice. She then gently touched Bea’s cheek.
Once. Pause. “Bea.”
Twice. Pause. “Hey.”
Thrice. Pause.
“Charlie?” Beatrice trembled. After she finally got out of her trance. “I lost her.”
Charlie moved closer and lightly hugged Bea. Letting her take the lead. But she whispered “I know, Bea. I know. I’m here, okay.”
Bea hugged Charlie tighter. “Tighter please.” Beatrice begged. “Please, Charlie.”
“I’m here, babe. I’m here. You’re okay. It’s okay. It was a memory. You’re okay. Can you feel me?” Charlie chanted. The entire time Beatrice was shaking. Crying. Whispering.
“I lost Ava. I failed my duties. I failed her. Ava, please come back. I loved her. I miss Ava.”
“It’s okay. It’s okay. Ava is okay now. She’s okay now. She’s not in pain anymore. She’s okay. You’re okay.” Charlie kept saying.
“Bea, feel my warmth. Feel the coldness of your ring. It’s okay, Bea. Let it out.”
Bea hugged Charlie tighter and started whispering next to her ear.
“I lost Ava today.”
“I’m sorry.”
“I forgot. I forgot I lost her today.”
“It’s okay.”
“I forgot. How can I forget? How can I forget?”
“I don’t know, Bea.”
“I’m sorry, Charlie.”
“Bea, it’s okay. Ava was a big part of your life. She was a part of your story.”
“Thank you. I love you.”
“I love you, too, Bea.”
“I’m going to go visit Ava’s grave today.”
“Okay.” Charlie paused. “Do you want me to go with you?”
“Yes, please. Please.”
“Okay. I will be there for you, Bea. Always.”
The two stayed on the bathroom floor for a while. Until Beatrice didn’t feel any pain anymore. Just the warmth of Charlie’s body and the coldness of the floor.
…
It’s been six years since she lost Ava. Six years since she lost the first person who showed her love. The first person who broke her heart. The first person who also healed her heart. Bea sat down where Ava’s grave is while Charlie stood close by, but leaving enough space so Bea can have some privacy.
“Ava, darling, I’m sorry I forgot about today. I’m sorry I failed my duties. I’m sorry I failed to save you.” Bea touched Ava’s headstone.
“But I did it, Ava. I finally love myself. Even all the things that I thought were flaws. I lived my life, Ava. I’m living my life, like you wanted me to. You didn’t die in vain. You didn’t.” Tears started flowing, and Bea let it fall to the ground. “I miss you so much, Ava.”
“But Ava, you don’t have to worry about me. Because I found someone who loves me, in spite of everything. I didn’t think I would ever find it after you. But I did. I found Charlie. She’s not you. No one will ever be you, but she loves me. And I love her. It took me a while to not feel guilty, I’m sure you’ve heard me crying about it when I visited you in the past, but I needed to move on. To live like you wanted me to.”
Bea paused and wiped her tears.
“You’re forever in my heart, Ava Silva. I love you and because of that I will continue to live my life, to experience everything that is beautiful. Thank you for everything. Thank you. I love you and I miss you. I hope you’re free now wherever you are.” Bea smiled through her tears as she traced Ava's engraved name on the headstone.
“Perhaps in the next, my darling?”