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fushiguro inhaled, then exhaled, hot air leaving a burning sensation on his lips. it was another one of those nights where fushiguro found life to be far too stressful to live so he’d smoke on the rooftop and watch the stars to cope with everything. he knew it was unhealthy and would have detrimental consequences in the future, especially because he was underage, but he didn’t care. with the luck of a jujutsu sorcerer, who’d know how long he’d be alive for. he didn’t, and that scared him more than he’d like to admit.
“fushiguro?” a voice spoke. he looked down and found itadori staring up at him from his balcony.
“oh, uh, hey.” fushiguro quickly tried to hide his cigarette, but it was obvious that he was smoking from the smell.
“what are you doing?” itadori asked as he leaned on the railing.
“just…looking at the stars,” fushiguro replied. he technically wasn’t lying, but he still felt guilty. itadori was the one person fushiguro couldn't help but actually care for in his heart. of course he cared about kugusaki, gojo, and the others, but this was different, like he actually cared about what he says and does. it was a weird and new feeling, and fushiguro didn’t like it. he’s changed since middle school, but parts of his attitude remained, but they never showed up when it came to itadori. fushiguro didn’t like that at all.
maybe it was just itadori that was different, maybe he put some weird spell on fushiguro that made his heart ache at the littlest things relating to him. yeah, that must’ve been it.
“oh, cool.” itadori turned away and just stared out at the field. their dorms were in front of the track where they sparred and trained. fushiguro wondered why he didn’t look at the stars, why else would he come out here? maybe he wasn’t a fan, or maybe he just didn’t feel like it, both very strange reasons, but even so, he didn’t question it.
fushiguro couldn’t peel his eyes away from him. part of him wanted to leave so he could finish smoking. but he also knew that he’d never want itadori anywhere else but at his side, maybe even holding his hand and calling him pretty. fushiguro let the idea of it linger for a bit as he watched his cigarette burn in the night, stray smoke filling the air.
“mind if i join you?” itadori asks. he didn’t look up, almost like he couldn’t.
fushiguro hesitated before responding. he was sure that itadori saw the cigarette in his hand, and if he couldn’t, he could certainly smell it. but on the off chance that he didn’t, fushiguro didn’t want him to know about him smoking. nobody knew about it, and he intended for it to keep that way. he especially didn’t want itadori to know, he’d kill him for it and then scold his dead body afterwards. fushiguro knew he meant well, they all did, but it was tiring having to explain over and over again why he just didn’t care.
but it was a cold winter night, and he could use some warmth.
“sure,” fushiguro finally responded. he contemplated just throwing away the cigarette, but to waste an almost full one felt like a crime. he shrugged. itadori probably wouldn’t care that much.
itadori climbed up onto the rooftop in mere seconds, finding his rightful place next to fushiguro. maybe not rightful, but fushiguro sometimes thought so, and maybe he did too.
“thanks,” itadori said with that smile of his. fushiguro always found it to describe his smile. sometimes, it was as simple as ‘it’s a smile’. but sometimes, or most of the time, he couldn’t get it out of his head. his cute dimples, the way the corners of his eyes creased, his radiant aura, the love in all that his is, everything about it was so majestic in a way, but also secretive, like fushiguro was never meant to meet the sun but was glad he did.
even after itadori joined him, he still wouldn’t look up, just straight ahead at some boring field. fushiguro again wondered why. he wondered and wondered and wondered. he opened his mouth to speak, but decided against it. did he really care enough to ask? he did, maybe a little too much.
slowly, fushiguro lifted up his cigarette. he kept telling himself that itadori wouldn’t care, he’d probably just mind the smell of it. but fushiguro knew better, itadori definitely cared. but maybe he didn’t know better, at least not enough, for he brought the substance to his lips and-
“you know,” itadori began as he curled his legs up to his chest. the sound of his voice startled fushiguro, and he immediately set his cigarette down. “smoking isn’t good for you.”
oh, it was just about that. fushiguro rolled his eyes, feeling a tinge of guilt afterwards. “i know.”
“then why do it?” itadori looked at him with concern and curiosity, his eyes staring into his soul and almost begging to hear a specific answer.
fushiguro never really had a reason for it - at least not a good one - he just did it because he could. it was never that serious as some people thought, like he was going through the worst thing imaginable. the stress that constantly weighed on his shoulders was a factor, sure, and it did calm him down, but it wasn’t like he got enough pleasure from it to call it an addiction and constantly seek for that sensation. sometimes he wished he did though. nonetheless, fushiguro just saw it as something that wouldn't have an effect on anything in the long run. he was destined to die anyway, he was just giving fate a helping hand.
“i don’t know,” fushiguro decided to answer. he trusted itadori to understand his feelings, but if it was too much for him to handle, how would he be able to help? “i just can, i guess. besides, who cares? it’s not like it’s gonna matter anyway, not when i die with everything i ever loved.”
itadori didn’t respond, and fushiguro couldn’t blame him. maybe he said too much. he brought the cigarette to his lips, inhaling and exhaling, watching the smoke cloud the air then evaporate into nothing. he could feel itadori’s gaze on him, but fushiguro didn’t stop. he cared about itadori, but not about himself.
“does gojo-sensai know about this?” itadori pressed the subject further. “or anybody?”
“gojo-sensai knows, kind of,” fushiguro replied, “and now you know, but that’s it.”
gojo technically knew about it, he just didn’t know that fushiguro continued to smoke. he had caught him smoking one time and confiscated his packs and lighter, monitoring him very closely. but as expected, gojo had forgotten about it in a week, and fushiguro just continued on with it, snatching his stuff back and deciding to hide them and him doing it better.
“what do you mean ‘kind of’,” itadori asked, his head tilting to the side, his eyes wide with curiosity. fushiguro found it cute, but he immediately dismissed the thought. now wasn't the time for that, but with his life, it was never the time for that.
“he thinks i quit smoking when he took away my stuff a while ago, but he doesn’t know that i still do,” fushiguro explained, taking a puff afterwards.
“ah,” was all itadori could say. he rested his chin on his knees, staring at the rooftop tiles. throughout this whole conversation, he still had not looked up at the sky. fushiguro grew more eager to know why, so eager that it almost pissed him off. he looked at itadori, catching a glimpse of sorrow in his eyes. fushiguro sighed. just almost though, almost.
“i’m not gonna tell gojo-sensai if that’s what you’re worried about,” itadori said, meeting fushiguro’s gaze. he could probably feel him staring.
“oh, thanks.” fushiguro wasn’t expecting that, he honestly expected the opposite, that the first thing itadori would do the next morning was tell him. he was curious to know why, and this time, he let himself be curious. “why though?”
“hm?” itadori cocked his head to the side again. fushiguro really had to stop finding that cute.
fushiguro looked away, hoping to hide the slight blush on his pale skin. “i just thought that you didn’t like it.”
“i don’t,” itadori admitted, “but i guess i just don’t see a point in all of this.”
fushiguro felt his heart ache at his words. that sounded like something he would say, not itadori. someone who rivaled the sun was speaking like fushiguro, the complete opposite of the sun, like the moon. but comparing him to the moon was an insult to the moon, at least the moon was worth something, at least the moon had a purpose, at least the moon was beautiful. at least the moon was beautiful.
“what do you mean?” fushiguro asked. he didn’t realize he scooted closer to itadori until he felt a light graze against his fingertips. he pulled his hand away, strangely missing that slight contact.
“i mean, i don’t know, we’re jujutsu sorcerers, so that basically means…” itadori trailed off, his voice sounding shaky and uneven.
fushiguro knew what he meant. being a jujutsu sorcerer meant putting your life on the line. it meant having to be brave when all you want to do is run away. it meant willing risking your own life, your dreams and aspirations, for the world. fushiguro knew what he meant.
silence fell between the two. it wasn’t uncomfortable, yet it was suffocating. fushiguro peered at itadori from the corner of his eye. with his knees still pressed up against his chest, he fiddled with some loose tile pieces. he still wouldn’t look up.
“why don’t you look up at the stars?” fushiguro finally asked as he pulled out another cigarette, crushing the old one with just his fingers.
“what?”
“most people don’t just go outside in the middle of the night to just stare straight ahead.” fushiguro took a drag and exhaled.
“oh, i don’t know” - itadori rubbed his neck - “just feel like i shouldn’t.”
“…what?” fushiguro look at him in disbelief, his brows crinkled and mouth in a scowl. what kind of stupid reason was that?
itadori laughed, but he didn’t find any of it funny. “it sounds weird, i know, but it just feels pointless to enjoy them when i’m gonna die soon. it feels pointless to enjoy any good thing in life.”
fushiguro frowned, the beating of his heart feeling like a countdown. he didn’t like thinking about it, not a single bit. romantic feelings or not, itadori already died once, he didn’t need to see it a second time.
“wait a minute.” fushiguro finally processed itadori’s words. “how is enjoying the good things in life pointless, especially in your case? i mean, if i was going to die soon, i’d want to enjoy them as much as i can before then.”
fushiguro winced at his word choice. although itadori said it himself, fushiguro could tell that him actually saying that he was going to die made his heart drop. it was only the slightest bit noticeable, but when you spend as much time staring at itadori as he did, you notice everything.
“yeah, that makes more sense than whatever’s going on in my head, but i don’t know..” a stray tear ran down itadori’s cheek, trying to hide it from fushiguro. “if i enjoy it now, i know that i’m just gonna miss it more, and i don’t want that.”
fushiguro didn’t like that, he didn’t like that at all. he understood his reasoning, but he didn’t like it. fushiguro wanted him to be able to enjoy everything wonderful in life, to be able to appreciate the beauty of the world around him, to see light and love in his eyes and everything in him.
he sounded like a hypocrite though. he had the same reasoning for why he didn’t put much care into himself, so how was he going to teach itadori how to? fushiguro couldn’t enjoy his life no matter how much he wanted to. nothing was permanent, but fushiguro wished that he was just a little less temporary than other people. he wished that the life he led was better, happier. he wished on every shooting star for something more, to live everyday like he actually wanted to; if only the pages of his life weren’t always being ripped out.
“you deserve to enjoy good things, itadori,” fushiguro said, “you're a good person, you deserve to.”
for once, fushiguro felt the weight of his words. for once, he cared and he did something about it. for once, he actually meant something with his entire being, and he didn’t regret it.
“maybe,” itadori replied with a nervous chuckle. “but i just don’t want it to hurt more in the future. i’m already losing so much, why add onto that?”
“but still,” fushiguro pressed on. he needed itadori to know that he deserved everything and more. “what you did now will have an impact after you’re long gone whether you like it or not. but you accept it and carry on the best you can. you deserve to be happy, itadori, even if it’s just for a little bit.”
“you’re one to talk,” itadori scoffed, his glossy eyes meeting fushiguro’s dull ones. “you said that what you do know won’t matter when you’re dead, so why would it matter when i am?”
“because you actually matter!” fushiguro said a little louder than he pleased. the look on itadori’s face shattered his soul, but it was the truth. “…i don’t.”
somehow, more tears flowed out along with his solemn heart. itadori looked broken and maybe even terrified in a way. “wha-what?”
fushiguro took a deep breath, then another drag, needing to feel the burn against his lips. “itadori, the reason why i smoke is because i don’t care enough about myself to properly take care of myself. i mean, yeah, being a jujutsu sorcerer is stressful as hell, but i’m smart enough to find some other coping mechanism that’s much healthier.”
he took another drag, tears now running down his flushed cheeks. somehow his tears burned more than the actual cigarette.
“but i choose to smoke because i don’t deserve good things,” fushiguro continued, almost choking on his tears, “but you do, and i want you to, itadori.”
if itadori was twice as smart as fushiguro gave him credit for, he would know that this was practically a confession. fushiguro knew that itadori wouldn’t reject him - which he knew from always watching him -, he still hadn’t planned on actually saying anything. but now his heart was out in the open, beating for him, and he didn’t know what to do with it.
“i want that for you too, fushiguro,” itadori spoke with calmness and clarity, the moon illuminating his figure and words. “you deserve the world.”
fushiguro smiled to himself. maybe he did, but he also knew that itadori did too, he deserved so much, more than him. “you do too-”
“don’t,” itadori cut him off, “don’t talk about me right now. i just want you to be appreciated. it’s hopeless for me anyway.”
hearing that pissed fushiguro off. itadori was constantly putting others before him, and sometimes, it wasn’t a bad thing, but right now, it was the worst thing he could ever do.
“do you not hear yourself right now?” if he could, fushiguro would’ve gotten up and thrown his hands in the air. “it’s not hopeless, not a single bit!”
“fushiguro, i’m not gonna live much longer!” itadori shouted, losing his balance for a bit. “you are-”
“not by much! even if i did, that doesn’t mean you can’t be happy!” fushiguro cursed himself out in his head for falling in love with a dimwit.
“fushiguro,” itadori sighed out as he pinched the bridge of his nose, “just leave it be. it doesn’t matter.”
fushiguro scoffed and took a drag. how could he be so stupid?! he knew that he was the same, but itadori was different, he deserved more…but he was still the same. maybe he needed to think differently, to view life differently. fushiguro exhaled, then got an idea.
“itadori?” fushiguro inhaled and didn’t exhale.
“yeah- mmph!”
swift but soft, fushiguro pressed an open-mouth kiss on itadori’s lips, exhaling hot smoke into his mouth. a hand sneaked behind and onto itadori’s neck, not letting him move away. despite flinching at both the smoke and the hand on his neck, itadori showed no interest in backing away, his own hands tangling themselves into fushiguro’s hair.
tongues wrestling and moans escaping, fushiguro opened his eyes, watching itadori squirm and struggle to breathe. the little noises that came out made fushiguro kiss him even harder, with more passion and desire, the kind of ardor that was hard to hold back. itadori kissed back with the same energy, maybe even more. fushiguro could tell that itadori was enjoying it, and he did too.
eventually though, fushiguro knew that enough was enough and let go of itadori who immediately began gasping for air, tears forming in the corner of his eyes.
“dude, what the hell?!” itadori had barely managed to speak, coughing and choking right after.
“you liked it though, didn’t you?” fushiguro said with a small smirk, a lit cigarette still in his hand.
itadori blushed and looked away. “tha- that’s besides the point…”
“ so you did,” fushiguro teased with a giggle, “it’s ok, i did too.”
itadori felt his face get warm again, trying to stop his lips from curling into a smile. “whatever…anyway, that doesn’t answer my question, what was that for?!”
fushiguro took one last drag, then crumpled it up in his fingers before leaning in close to itadori. he could see the light scattering of freckles that he normally couldn’t; it was cute, beautiful even. “you liked kissing me even with the smoke, correct?”
averting his eyes once more, itadori quietly muttered out, “y-yes…”
fushiguro’s gaze softened as a warm smile met his lips as did his hand with itadori’s, intertwining them like he was all he wanted, all he needed; and sometimes, he really was all he needed.
“then why can’t you feel that way with life?” fushiguro whispered, his eyes full with so much care. “take the good with the bad, and learn to love it.”
tears began to well up as itadori gnawed on the inside of his bottom lip. “i know i should, but it’s just hard to. how can i enjoy these kinds of things without thinking what it’ll be like when i leave without them?”
fushiguro squeezed itadori’s hand with all the love and sympathy in the world. “you can’t, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t still enjoy them. you accept your fate and live with it. and besides…”
with the soft press of his lips onto his cheek, fushiguro felt itadori’s face crease into a smile.
“i’m here for you,” fushiguro said, his smile radiant like the sun and soothing like the moon. “always.”
tears were still running down itadori’s perfectly freckled cheeks, but he was no longer sad. “thank you, fushiguro, thank you.”
caressing fushiguro’s soft face, itadori planted a soft kiss onto his lips, meant to be short and sweet. fushiguro, however, chased after that feeling, wanting to know what it was like to be loved when he felt so unloveable.
out of nowhere, itadori pulled back and coughed, sticking his tongue out in disgust. “sorry, your mouth still kinda tastes like smoke and cigarettes.”
fushiguro chuckled at his reaction. maybe it was about time he stopped.
he scooted closer to itadori and reached for his hand once more, resting his head on his shoulder. “hey, tell you what, if you learn how to enjoy life, i’ll quit smoking.”
itadori turned to face the other, his face immediately lighting up. “seriously? deal!”
fushiguro didn’t know what kind of reaction he was expecting, but definitely not something as big as that. not that he minded, it only made him want to quit more; and maybe kiss him more.
the two sat up on the rooftop a little longer, sometimes talking about the most random things and other times sitting in silence. neither of them nor anything about this was uncomfortable or unnatural, it was easy and nice, and fushiguro wanted to do this more often.
“hey,” fushiguro said as he checked his phone, “it’s getting late, it’s almost three, we should probably go back to our dorms and sleep, i think gojo-sensai has some missions planned for us.”
“can we stay out a little longer, i wanna look at the stars some more.”