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"Look, Cartman!" Butters shouted excitedly, pointing at his closet. "I went into my closet the other day and it took me to Narnia!"
"Narnia, huh?" Cartman said. He didn't entirely believe Butters' claim but he was intrigued.
"Yeah! I spent a good year there and when I came back, only like ten minutes had actually passed. My closet is magical!"
Cartman huffed.
"Alright, let me get my ass inside."
Butters opened the closet doors and Cartman waddled inside.
"See you in ten minutes, Cartman!" Butters said as he shut the closet doors.
"Come on, come on, take me to Narnia." Cartman muttered to himself.
As he kept on chanting that sentence, things inside the closet began levitating and moving all around him. He heard a loud whoosh as a burst of light covered the room. He closed his eyes as the light was blinding him. When he opened them again, the light disappeared and everything within the closet was only slightly misplaced.
Cartman opened the doors and walked out-- only to drop face first on the ground. He looked behind him to see that he left from a decently sized, opulent cabinet. He then looked around his surroundings.
He was now in an elaborate room with fancy but vintage decorations. The white wallpaper had striking golden lines and leaves on it and the marble floor shone brightly. The wooden furniture all had velvet upholstery and metal trims.
"Is this supposed to be Narnia? Where the hell is Lion Jesus?" Cartman muttered.
He looked behind at the cabinet just so he could memorize its appearance when it came time to come home. He noticed a box positioned right under it and he pulled it out.
Opening it, Cartman found a Browning Model 1922 pistol and held it to admire it.
"Cool, I didn't know Narnia has guns." He then puts the gun back in the box as he didn't see the need for it.
He wandered around the room, where he found a tall, hulking man in a suit straight out of the 1920's.
"Heya, is this Narnia?" Cartman said, grabbing the man's attention.
The man turned around and faced Cartman. He was shocked and angered to see him.
"What the hell are you doing here?!" He shouted. "You aren't supposed to be here!"
"Come on, dick, I only asked a simple question. Am I in Narnia or not?"
The man scowled and forcibly picked up Cartman by his collar to stare him down.
"This isn't funny. You're not in this Nar-ME-ya. You're in my house and intruding on my property!"
"Tom, what's going on?" A feminine voice asked.
The two turned to spot a young, bobbed woman in a white dress that seems to originate from the same era as the man's suit.
"Daisy," The man said. "This obese brat snuck into our house and is trying to be funny about it."
"I'm not fat! I'm big-boned!" Cartman rebutted angrily.
Amongst his newfound fury, Cartman made a quick connection.
Tom and Daisy.
That pair sounded familiar, almost like déjà vu.
Then it hit him.
A while back, Mr. Garrison made the whole class read the Great Gatsby over the span of a week and a half. Cartman didn't remember the heavy details as he found the book boring outside of the scenes describing Meyer Wolfsheim's appearance which he used to mock Kyle to get some kicks. However, he still recalled the basic plot of the book and thus recognized that they're the Buchanans.
"Oh, you fuckers are from that Gatsby book!" Cartman sneered before he faced Tom directly. "Sir, you spent so much time humping a big fat bitch who's bigger than your mom – which is saying a lot – that your wife decided to sleep with another rich dude!"
Daisy gasped in shock, wondering how Cartman knew about her affair with Jay Gatsby while Tom shot her a glare before returning to the boy.
"You bastard, you have said ENOUGH!"
Tom hurtled Cartman onto the ground with great force. The boy landed on his face, getting a concession and losing a tooth in the process. Despite his injuries, he chuckled it off and got up in a boxing pose
"Come on asshole, those muscles ain't legit. You're probably hooked on steroids."
Cartman's insult enraged Tom further. He launched at Cartman, aiming his fists at him. He then proceeded to beat the living hell of him with his fists, punching Cartman over and over.
"Tom, stop!" Daisy cried out. "You're beating up a child!"
"You're gonna let this horrid thing insult us!?" Tom replied.
"He's still a child! Maybe he doesn't know any better!"
"Oh, I know my shit," Cartman said. "I know what I said."
Cartman attempted to land his own punch on Tom but failed as his fist was much weaker than Tom as a whole.
Tom kept punching him before he spun him across the room.
"Now, scram before you piss me off even more!" Tom said.
Cartman slid near the cabinet he came from and thus the box containing the gun by proxy. Remembering what was inside the box, a now bruised and bloodied Cartman got up and took the gun out. He aimed it at Tom with a wide, crooked grin. The Buchanans looked at the gun in shock.
"Say, is there any gun safety in the 1920's?" Cartman said.
He then fired the gun and the bullet hit Tom straight in the groin.
The man fell on his knees, placing his hands on the wound and yelped in pain. Daisy came over to his side and attempted to comfort him.
"Screw this, I'm going home!" Cartman said, climbing up the cabinet with the gun in hand and flipping the Buchanans off.
Before he crawled back inside the cabinet, he turned to Daisy.
"Hey, you gold-digging bitch! Your cousin's super gay. Like he's so gay that you can say that he's a fairy !"
Cartman then promptly entered the cabinet. When he came out, he found himself back in Butters' room.
"Oh hamburgers!" Butters said, noticing Cartman's injuries. "You're all beaten up!"
Remembering Butters' claim about his closet being a gateway to Narnia, Cartman became infuriated and harshly grabbed him by the collar, pointing the gun at him.
"You fucking asshole! You promised me Narnia! Instead I ended up in the world of that stupid book Mr. Garrison made us read. The only good thing about my trip there was that I shot a rich asshole in the balls. In. The. Balls. "
"I'm s-sorry, Cartman, I swore that my closet took me to Narnia. Let me have a check."
With Cartman's gun behind Butters' neck, the two went inside the closet. One whoosh and burst of light later, the two exited the closet.
They ended up in a whole different lavish room than the one Cartman was in. It was clearly still the 1920's with all of that art deco but it wasn't a fancy living room.
Instead they were in a large bedroom with an expensive looking bed in the center and a wooden desk on the left.
"Hold up, this wasn't the room I was in," Cartman explained.
Then, a man wearing a similar suit to Tom walked into the room. There's the initials "JG'' on his breast pocket. He notices the boys.
"Hey, how did you get here?" He asked politely.
"Through the closet, sir," Butters said.
Cartman then aimed the gun at the man, prompting him to raise his hands.
"Who the hell are you?" He said.
"Woah, woah, hold it there old sport! While I don't know where you got that gun, I don't mean you any harm. My name is Jay Gatsby."
"Oh, you're the Great Gatsby !" Butters said.
"Heh, thank you, old sport," Gatsby responded. "Well, if you're robbing me by any chance, you can have my money."
The boys' eyes lit up.
"Hell yeah we're totally robbing you," Cartman grinned.
"Alright, give me a moment to get it."
Gatsby left the room and after a couple minutes, he returned with a few bags of money in his hands alongside a box full of jewelry. He handed them over to the boys who cheered in excitement.
"I was hoping to give these jewels to Daisy but I have to apply with your demands," Gatsby commented.
"Hell yeah! We're rich, Butters!" Cartman said. "We're rich!"
He then turned to Gatsby.
"Say, I wanna reward you for giving us money. I'm a psychic and thus I know your future. Wanna hear about it?"
"Erm, sure."
Cartman spotted a wicked smile as he began to speak.
"Y'know that pool you haven't used all summer?"
"Yes, how do you know about that, old sport?"
"I'm a psychic, remember? Anyways, since a worker says he gotta drain the pool before leaves start clogging it up, you tell him not to and you go take a dip in it. Then, the garage dude comes to your mansion, finds you and shoots you dead in the pool. Why? Your girlfriend ran over his wife, who happened to be her husband's bitch, and you took the blame for it. I'm not sure if that happened already or not, but you better not go swimming and drain that pool."
Gatsby's eyes widened, taking in what Cartman said with horror.
"I-I'll keep it in mind. Neither me or Daisy had driven today by the way."
"Also, I shot your girlfriend's husband in the dick, so you're welcome. Speaking of her, how good is her pussy to the point that you moved across her house? That's like Kanye before he became a gay fish man."
Gatsby's fear turned to confusion.
"Huh?"
By then, Cartman and Butters returned to the closet and were gone.
The boys ended up back in Butters' room, carrying their newfound wealth.
"Tehehe, what should we do with the money?" Butters asked.
"Spend it!" Cartman said.
"Oh, hello again, boys."
The two looked behind them upon hearing a rather familiar voice.
Right there, Gatsby just walked out of Butter's closet, looking around the room.
The boys just stood there in shock.
"What. The. Fuck."