Work Text:
“Who are your songs about?”
Junkyu looks up at Jihoon curiously. “Which songs?”
“Your heartbreak songs. Bad Boy, A Man Like Me…”
“Ah… all my sad love songs?”
Jihoon isn’t sure where to look, so he elects to dig his face into Junkyu’s hair and intertwine their hands.
“Yeah, you said they were based on your real experiences.”
Junkyu scoffs. Jihoon pinches Junkyu’s hip. Junkyu yelps, and Jihoon smiles into Junkyu’s soft hair. Silence washes over them again. The air is warm and cozy as they’re snuggled together in the full size bed. There’s actually two, but ever since they started dating a couple months ago, one hotel bed always gets left untouched while they’re on tour as Treasure. Junkyu slightly rolls his head from under Jihoon to rest it on Jihoon’s shoulder, showing his neck as he does so. He giggles when Jihoon takes the chance to plant a peck onto the exposed skin.
A wistful smile splays across Junkyu’s face, one Jihoon can’t see. “Noa.”
“Ah.” Jihoon isn’t surprised. It was always an open secret that the two dated when they were trainees, but then something dawns on Jihoon. He frowns at the realization.
“...Are they… are they all about?” Jihoon trails off. He can’t help but feel slightly ambivalent about saying Noa’s name. Actually, he feels rather silly. The two have been broken up for a little over 3 years now. There’s no reason for Jihoon to feel jealous, but another part of him also feels relieved, the songs being evident that Noa and Junkyu hadn’t worked out.
Junkyu is his now.
“Yes… all of them are. Every single one of them.”
Jihoon nods as he looks down at Junkyu, trying to study Junkyu’s expression from his angle. All that Jihoon can conclude, however, is that Junkyu looks like the sweetest angel to ever walk the earth. His heart jumps when Junkyu finally contorts himself in Jihoon’s arms to look up into Jihoon’s eyes.
The hotel room is dark, but Jihoon can still admire Junkyu’s dark eyes, deep, soulful. A secret universe of Junkyu’s that no one but Jihoon gets to see.
It’s good that the room is dark, because Junkyu can feel heat rising in his cheeks while he stares back at his boyfriend. He can’t help but flash his eyes away for a second, overwhelmed at the intensity of Jihoon’s gaze, as if it could swallow Junkyu whole.
Junkyu makes a noise to let Jihoon know that Junkyu is readjusting himself. They move into a position where Junkyu’s front is now lying against Jihoon’s. Junkyu tucks his arms in between Jihoon’s back and the pillows they’re resting against, hugging himself to Jihoon’s chest. Two fingers slide gently under Junkyu’s chin, and Jihoon lifts Junkyu’s face to make Junkyu look at him. In turn, Junkyu moves a hand to rest on the back of Jihoon’s neck, massaging his Jihoon’s nape. Jihoon hums and closes his eyes. He leans his forehead against Junkyu’s as he finally finds the bravery to ask, “If I can ask, why?”
“Why what?”
“Why did you write those songs about him? What did he do to break your heart?” Jihoon opens his eyes as he finishes his question and immediately regrets asking it when he sees the pained expression Junkyu’s face morphs to. Jihoon captures Junkyu’s pouting lips with a kiss in a silent apology. He almost tells Junkyu to forget about it when the other speaks up.
“We… we argued a lot.”
Jihoon stays quiet, letting Junkyu speak and giving him his undivided attention.
“The highs were high, but the lows were…low. So…so destructively low.” Junkyu begins chewing on his lip. Jihoon softly strokes Junkyu’s bottom lip, wordlessly chiding Junkyu not to.
“I…A lot of my insecurities came through and boiled over during our relationship. I think, what was most frustrating, however, is that, there was a moment in our relationship where we thought things were looking up. I won’t lie, we hurt each other a lot, especially since we dated so young. I mean, no 15 year old actually knows what they’re doing, much less knows what they’re supposed to be doing in a relationship. There was a lot of miscommunication. A lot of tears. Hurtful things said in between, but by our third year…” Junkyu trails off.
It’s been so long since Junkyu has thought about his relationship with Noa, and while Junkyu can safely say that he’s over Noa—after all, it’s been 4 years; he has to be—the memory of their love always tastes bittersweet. There were cultural barriers. Maturity barriers. Communication barriers. Emotional barriers. But they got through them all. And when they were finally about to reach adulthood together, Junkyu was convinced that was proof they could get through anything.
The longer Junkyu’s pause extends, the deeper Jihoon’s frown gets and the more anxious he gets. “You don’t have to keep going if you don’t want to.”
At this, Junkyu’s eyes flicker back up at Jihoon, and it steals Jihoon’s breath away. Junkyu presses a finger to Jihoon, shushing him. Jihoon can see the storm brewing in Junkyu’s eyes. He’s hypnotized by it.
“No…I want to tell you. I really do want to tell you everything, everything about me and everything that happened before we met as trainees. It’ll just take me…time.”
They’ve gone over this before. Countless of times before. And Jihoon will always reassure the younger that Junkyu doesn’t need to rush himself. Jihoon knows there’s a deep history, thick layers of shadows cast over it to wall off Junkyu’s self, to protect himself from the world around him. It’s something that Junkyu was forced to learn how to do, hiding his real self underneath image after image, having entered the industry at the tender age of 13. When he was just a shy middle schooler with dreams and hopes and passions.
Jihoon palms Junkyu’s cheeks and smiles enduringly, watching Junkyu lean into his touch. Junkyu continues.
“Everything changed by our third year. We…we had overhead YG executives, well, they were mostly rumors actually, but we had overheard that YG executives weren’t sure if they should debut another group, especially after Mix Nine. It had already been 3 years since iKon debuted, and while Noa had started to get anxious by then, I was still able to reassure him that we still had time, that we shouldn’t give up hope of debuting. Most of all, of debuting together. But then…”
Junkyu takes a deep breath. Inhale. Exhale.
“I think Noa had started to see the writing on the wall after the Mix Nine debut group fell through, especially with how much it had crushed Hyunsuk hyung and Byounggon hyung. He couldn’t trust YG as a company anymore, and no matter what hopes, reassurances, or comforts I tried giving him, none of them could stop his doubts. It culminated into a huge fight when Noa finally told me what he had heard, directly, from a staff member about why rumors had circulated about the uncertainty of a new YG boy group.
They didn’t know whether or not they should debut me and Noa together. They knew they wanted a new group soon, a proper 4th gen YG group, but not one with a homosexual relationship that they'd need to spend extra resources on to hide from fans. Our dream to debut together completely fell apart.”
Jihoon’s eyes widened. He always knew that Noa leaving YG and returning to Japan was the reason why him and Junkyu had broken up, but he had no idea that this was the true reason. And that, no matter what Noa or Junkyu could’ve done, they were guaranteed to never be in the same group. One of them would be sacrificed.
“I… I begged him to stay, knowing full well that me begging him was completely selfish. I told him that he can debut first. That since he was Japanese, he already has a harder chance of debuting in a group. I told him I could wait. Or I could do what Raesung did and just focus on being a producer, but Noa, I think…I think he had already made his decision, then and there. He told me as such. That he had already been thinking about it sometimes, of leaving YG and giving up to go back home, to start his music career on his own, but he also confessed to me that at that point, the only thing that was making him stay in YG was me. And now… and now…”
Junkyu’s fist clenches into Jihoon’s shirt.
“And then, he told me he couldn’t stay anymore, knowing our company was now doing everything in its power to pressure us into breaking up and going our separate ways. I- we- so we decided… we decided that we would date until YG started preparations and filming for YG Treasure Box. Then, when Noa would leave for Japan, that would officially mark our breakup.”
Jihoon didn’t realize he was holding his breath until Junkyu finished telling his story, so Jihoon wills himself to release his breath and deflates. He hugs Junkyu, closer, tighter. Junkyu responds in kind, burrowing into Jihoon, as if clinging on for dear life. Jihoon thinks they should end it here, but his curiosity now burns as things begin connecting in his head. The end of Mix Nine. The state Junkyu was in when Jihoon returned to YG. The secrets that Junkyu’s been gradually revealing over the few months of their relationship.
Junkyu’s affection toward the Japanese members. Junkyu’s rebound crush on Mashiho during YG Treasure Box. Junkyu’s confession to Jihoon when Junkyu couldn’t take it anymore.
“Is that… is that why you hid your feelings for me for so long?”
Junkyu’s breath hitches. It’s inaudible, but they’ve held each other for so long, even before they started dating, that Jihoon can feel it. Junkyu nods into Jihoon’s chest.
“Yes… It’s why it took me so long to confess to you until I broke down that one night.” Junkyu chuckles, muffled by the fabric of Jihoon’s clothing. “All I could think about was it happening all over again. Someone would find out. It would affect the group. And then, someone would have to leave. But then you just…”
“Teased you so much you couldn’t help but fall for me?” Jihoon interjects. He receives a well deserved slap to the stomach for that, but it’s worth it seeing Junkyu’s face momentarily relax into amusement and laughter.
“Asshole! I still can’t believe you spent so long not realizing you had feelings for me and thinking your clinginess was just the ‘kpop bromance fanservice.’ It drove me insane hearing you call me things like ‘jagiyah’ or ‘my Kyu’ or ‘Junkyu hyung’ or calling me cute and trying to kiss me all the damn time.”
“Hey! You tried to kiss me once, too!”
“As revenge for you doing it to me all the time because I didn’t think you had feelings for me!”
They stare at each other, both adorning the same petulant look, before dissolving into laughter. Jihoon takes the chance to flip Junkyu onto his back. Junkyu harrumps, crossing his arms over his chest with his signature pout, and by god does Jihoon want to just ravish him right now. But it’s late, and they’re still in the middle of their tour.
Then, Junkyu’s expression softens, and he pulls Jihoon down for a light peck on the lips. Jihoon falls to the side of Junkyu, and they wrap themselves around each other again.
“I’m glad I did. I’m glad I fell for you.”
Jihoon is about to say “me too” when Junkyu continues.
“Especially because… I’m so tired of fighting.”
“...what do you mean by that?’
Junkyu pauses for a moment, thinking through his words. Jihoon pokes Junkyu’s cheek, expecting Junkyu to swat at him, but the other just smiles when Jihoon goes in for the poke.
“You know how Yedam and Doyoung have always had a thing for each other, but they never really properly addressed it?”
“Yeah?”
“It’s because of me and Noa that they never properly started dating.”
Jihoon’s eyes widen again, another major revelation that Jihoon had never even considered. It also hurts him a little bit, reminding him of how much he missed when he had to leave the company for a while. “Seriously?”
Junkyu nods with a sad smile.
“I remember Yedam coming to me before he had made his decision. And you want to know what he told me?”
“What?”
“‘Hyung, please give me a reason to stay. Please tell me to stay. I don’t want to break Doyoung’s heart, but I don’t want to fight for myself anymore.’”
Jihoon busies himself with drawing patterns under the hem of Junkyu’s shirt while Junkyu talks
“See… Yedam, Noa, Raesung, and I… we all used to want the same thing, to debut, and eventually, it turned into wanting to debut together, but… the thing is, no matter how well as a company YG entertainment treated us, our futures weren’t any less uncertain than trainees in other companies. I’m sure you remember this, too, but we all accepted that even after we debuted, we would never have true autonomy over our songs, despite YG marketing itself to be an entertainment company of self-made artists. And even more, there was nothing we could do about society in general. YG may have been fine with relationships if you kept it a secret, but that only applied to straight relationships.”
“But… when the CEO changed, a lot of the big issues we had were resolved, which was especially good since it was in time for our debut.” Jihoon blinks, noticing a contradiction in logic as he says that out loud. “Then… why did Yedam?”
“Because the management of Treasure was his reality check.”
“That… kind of… makes no sense.”
Junkyu laughs lightly. “I know, that’s what I had told Yedam, too, but he explained it to me in this way.
The 4 of us, Raesung, Noa, Yedam, and I, had all fought with the same dream, but at the end of the day, YG is still a kpop company. Even more, YG is still a company. When the new CEO came, so many things changed. But the one thing Yedam had clung onto all these years disappeared, in spite of all the positive changes that came to the company.
His musical identity disappeared.
Yedam only told a few people about this, but Yedam’s solo was actually a very hard fought project. He had expected things to be like old YG in terms of music creativity. Yes, things were a lot stricter back then, but given enough seniority in the company, you could eventually be allowed to develop and showcase your own sound. He thought…”
Junkyu pauses for a moment. His eyes begin wandering elsewhere, getting lost in long buried disappointments and years of work evaporated by time and uncontrollable changes.
“He thought that, through the debut of Treasure, he had finally won that right after so long. But as they were screening Yedam’s countless songs he produced over the years, all of the songs they rejected had the exact same reason.
Doesn’t fit Treasure’s image.”
Jihoon’s heart plunges into his stomach. He hadn’t known. Yedam never told him.
“The 4 of us, we all gave up in our own way. Raesung gave up after the Stray Kids show, when he realized that YG was just dangling our dream in front of us as a publicity move with empty promises. That’s when he resigned to just being a producer. Noa gave up after he realized there was nothing we could do once the company made the logistical decision to separate us, and one of us would’ve had to wait indefinitely for another chance to debut. So he returned to Japan to do music by himself, without a company eyeing his every move. Yedam gave up when he realized the one thing that made him stay in YG, made him keep going with all of us, didn’t exist anymore. Even though Yang Hyunsuk was far stricter, Yedam worked tirelessly to build the influence, the seniority, the authority to protect the group he was working toward. When the new CEO came in, the reputation Yedam had built was gone since she had only known Yedam through his fame outside of the company. All his efforts meant nothing. He tried so hard to accept it, but I think it finally wore him down. And… I was tired, too.”
Jihoon gives Junkyu’s hand a squeeze. “In a way, my reason for giving up was a combination of everything, of Raesung’s, Noa’s, and Yedam’s dreams, but I had made a promise to myself, to them, that I would hold onto their dreams for them.”
“And… how did you give up?”
Suddenly, Jihoon sees the tiredness Junkyu is talking about. The expression of a boy who’s fought and waited nearly a decade to fight through to the end. Not just for himself, but for 3 other boys as well, 3 other boys Junkyu had started his journey with. The smile Junkyu gives him is so heart wrenching, Jihoon wishes he could give all the stars in the night sky tonight to Junkyu if it meant taking the pain away from that smile.
“I stopped singing.”
And at that moment, both of their hearts stop, even if neither of them know it. Junkyu’s stops because this is the first time he’s openly admitting a closely held secret to anyone. Jihoon’s stops because his heart begins breaking for Junkyu, realizing where this is going.
“Well, that’s not quite right… I still sing, mostly when I produce, and I suppose I sing in our songs, but… I’ve stopped caring. After YG Treasure Box, I tried to keep my passion for it. After all, it was the medium I chose to express the dreams of the ones who gave up on theirs and yet…”
Junkyu’s smile turns bitter.
“I’ve given up as well.”
It takes a moment for Junkyu to realize, but tears have started slipping down his face. He only registers it when Jihoon wipes them away. Jihoon’s heart thunders, internalizing everything Junkyu has revealed tonight.
Junkyu laughs sardonically, releasing so many things he’s suppressed and locked away over the years.
“Truth be told, I wanted to yell at Yedam. I wanted to start a fight. I wanted to shake him and remind him of what I went through with Noa and what he’ll do to Doyoung if he chose to leave, but I had no energy left to fight anymore.”
Jihoon gulps. “What did you end up telling him then?”
At this point, Junkyu feels like he’s losing his mind. 10 years worth of pain and struggle crashing down on him at the same time. His laugh is near maniacal.
“I told him this.
I won’t stop you if you do. You’ve fought for so long. But please, please , remember the dreams we’ve carried with us, even though I know you’ve already made up your mind. So I guess, knowing that deep down, you've probably already decided to leave, and there's nothing I can truly say to stop you. Before you tell anyone else, before you even tell Hyunsuk hyung, tell Doyoung first. Let him be the first to know, so he’ll have the most time to process. Let him down gently. Not like what me and Noa did when Noa left me.
It’s why, when the time came, as far as Doyoung has told me, I was the very first person he went to after Yedam left, and quite possibly, the only person he went to personally after Yedam left. Did he go to you at all?”
Jihoon shakes his head. Doyoung comes to him for everything. The younger often told Jihoon that Jihoon was the hyung Doyoung always immediately confided in about anything but not this. Jihoon would’ve definitely remembered if Doyoung had come to him about this.
Junkyu’s bitter and crazed expression finally softens back to one of sadness, to one that empathizes with Doyoung’s pain.
“So… that’s why Doyoung went to you… When I asked him about it, he just said he misses him and wishes he didn’t have to go. But he also said he understood why and that he’ll be fine. What… what did he tell you?”
“Everything. Everything he felt for Yedam. Everything he thought they were and everything he hoped they were. He asked me how I did it, when Noa left. He asked me what had happened. I told him about all the events that led up to the decision. I told him about our arguments. I told him about the break up. I told him about the 5 hour post-break up call we had. I told him about my journey of recovering from the break up, my rebounds, my regrets, my lessons. He told me he knew no one else he could go to that would know so deeply about emotions, about what he was going through.”
Finally, Junkyu's face fully relaxes as his fondness of Doyoung takes over. Jihoon’s relief is palpable as he notices this, so much so that Junkyu notices it and plants an apologetic kiss on Jihoon’s knuckles.
“...sorry for such a depressing conversation.”
Jihoon immediately shakes his head in disagreement and brings Junkyu as close as possible. He props himself up and whispers into Junkyu’s ear. “Thank you for telling me, my Kyu. Thank you for telling me all of this.” Jihoon smiles as he feels Junkyu’s hold tighten around him as he says that.
They release each other, going to lie side to side, face to face.
“Next time… I’ll let you have the depressing topic of conversation.”
Jihoon chuckles. “I don’t know. I don’t know if there’s anything more I can talk about. I’ve always been an open book for you, because I always knew I could talk about anything and everything with you.”
Junkyu lets out a small breath. It feels light. Lighter than what he’s felt in a while. He begins playing with Jihoon’s fingers as words begin forming in his head of the concluding statements he wants to tell Jihoon, but they come in pieces, half formed, incomplete. Junkyu isn’t confident if there’s any words that could truly encapsulate the message he wants to give Jihoon, but he tries anyway.
“I think. I think… if there’s anything I want you to know after all of this. Truly, I have no regrets. I’m always grateful, endlessly grateful that I was led to you. There may have been things I wish I did differently, words I wished I had never said, but when it comes to you, I regret nothing. Thank you for loving me Jihoon. I… I hope you can feel the love and gratitude I have for you, always, even if I struggle with expressing it. I don’t ever want to let you down. I don’t ever want to lose you. I-” This time, Junkyu knows he’s about to cry before it happens. He chokes on the last sentence. “I don’t want to let down the rest of Treasure. I love you so much. And I love our members so much, and I don’t ever want to be a burden, not to Hyunsukie hyung, not to you, not to-”
“Shhh, jagiyah. Breath.” Jihoon sits up and pulls Junkyu into his arms, wanting to never let Junkyu go. For all of Junkyu’s vibrance and loudness on camera, Jihoon cherishes these moments with Junkyu more than anything. They remind Jihoon of how much trust Junkyu places in him. Of all the members, outside of Asahi, Jihoon can confidently say that Junkyu is one of the least likeliest members to cry in Treasure, despite what surface level appearances say about Junkyu. And that’s not because Junkyu is emotionless or fake, but it’s because Jihoon has long known that Junkyu is the kind of person who builds walls around his heart when he’s struggling. It relieves Jihoon so much that he doesn’t have to worry about Junkyu hiding things from him or Junkyu struggling in silence because he refuses to tell Jihoon what’s bothering him.
“Junkyu, there’s something I want you to know, too. I’m so damn happy to have fallen for you, to have realized what I felt for you was something more than platonic, because I’ve gotten to see so many sides of you that I would’ve never got to see if I hadn’t. You’re so many things that you choose to hide about yourself. You’re talented. You’re observant. You’re kind. You’re loving. Sometimes, I wish you could see inside my heart, so you could actually understand just how much I love you.” Jihoon pauses for a moment to pull Junkyu away from his shoulder, so he can hold Junkyu’s face in his hands. He holds Junkyu in place, making sure Junkyu can’t look away, as he caresses Junkyu’s wet cheeks. “You don’t have to worry about letting anyone down, especially not about you affecting the group or anything. And even if something happens to you or us, I want you to know that you have us, you have me, to protect you. You’ve fought for the dreams of others for so long. You haven’t had anyone to fight for you, so let me. No matter what happens, I’ll fight for you and fight for us. Not just because I’m a leader, but because I’m your boyfriend and you're mine. Because you’re so, so incredibly precious to me.”
Junkyu stares at Jihoon. Wide-eyed. Mouth open. All the words he knows in the Korean language, gone from his brain, so he says the only words he knows right now. The words he knows to be true.
“I love you, my Hoonie.”
“I love you, too, my Kyu.”