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"You did so well! She's beautiful."
Before she handed over the patient's baby, Carina took one last look at her. At the tiny, little life she had been lucky enough to welcome into the world.
Her gaze swept over the baby's little button nose. Over those impossibly small lips. Over the eyes that had been screwed shut.
Carina ached for this.
With every baby she delivered, she had to endure the slight sting in her heart that it might never happen for her.
That she might only ever be the one to welcome a baby into this bittersweet existence, never the one who gets to nurture it for nine months. Never the one who would be told to push over and over again. Never the one who might almost pass out from exhaustion but have it all be worth it a few moments later, when a beautiful baby is placed in her arms.
Carina tried not to let those thoughts catch up to her each time she handed a newborn over to its mama, but she couldn't find a way to stop them.
Even after the day she'd had, everything had felt just right the moment she'd held the baby.
Especially after the day she'd had.
"Thank you, Dr. DeLuca. Thank you for everything."
The woman's words dragged Carina out of her thoughts. She was covered with a sheen of sweat, she looked truly grateful.
"It's my pleasure, congratulations!"
She shot one final smile at the mama, who was too busy glancing down and admiring her baby to notice. Throwing out her gloves, Carina sanitised her hands for good measure, before leaving the room.
It was only then, stood in the middle of a busy hallway, did it hit her just how tired she was. She'd been on her feet for hours now.
Exhaling loudly for what seemed like the hundredth time that day, she made her way to the lockers, thoughts of her wife once more creeping in.
She had been there. Despite having been at work, Maya had come to the hospital to see Carina.
She had been relieved to see Carina. A peek through the blinds after their brief interaction had told her as much.
Was she still around?
An hour had passed since she'd hastily left her wife standing outside the delivery room, and while she hoped Maya understood the urgency at the time, she wasn't sure if the blonde would choose to stick around.
She definitely hoped so.
Seeing Maya anywhere in the hospital after that night, always left her feeling a harsh pang in her chest. Although at this moment, all she wanted to do was hug her wife.
But Maya was nowhere to be seen.
She wouldn't let it bug her. She had worked so hard on not letting her comfort be dependent on Maya’s presence, but after everything that had happened today, Carina would be lying if she said she didn’t want her wife right now.
With one hand holding her locker door open, she used her other to grab her phone and dial Maya’s number, not giving herself any time to second-guess her choice.
The call went straight to voicemail.
Frowning, Carina placed it back in the locker, now slightly worried.
Maya almost always had her phone on her.
She’d told Carina early on in their relationship how she never used to keep her phone with her on calls. No phone, no distraction.
A few weeks into dating Carina though, Maya had found herself unable to leave her phone too far from her. Just in case Carina messaged.
It had warmed Carina’s heart at the time.
It had continued to do so in these last few weeks.
Their only form of communication was through the device and her wife’s instant responses reminded her of when they had first started dating.
Just imagining Maya twiddling her thumbs while waiting for a reply from her was too endearing for it to not pull at Carina’s heartstrings.
Grabbing a new set of clothes, she was just about to head toward the showers but stopped short. Fishing her phone out again, she decided to call Maya one last time.
’You’ve got Maya Bishop, leave it at the beep.’
Listening to the voicemail yet again, Carina gave up. Maya had already left her job, twice now, to come and see Carina.
She probably had to get back to work and the last thing Carina wanted was to be annoying and needy.
Maya had been there and that was all that mattered. That was enough for her.
There was a voice in the back of her mind, though, that didn't seem to agree. A voice telling her repeatedly how much her body yearned to be held by Maya.
She refused to pay any heed to it.
~.~
Allowing the hot water to engulf all her senses, Carina stood under the shower, trying desperately to wash away the entire day.
It had been disastrous, to say the least.
The events from earlier were still replaying themselves over and over again in her head. She couldn't get the visual of the pregnant doctor flying up in the air.
A car had hit a pregnant lady. They'd even managed to injure Addison.
It made Carina see red.
How could anyone even think about doing something like that?
The sound of the doctor hitting the pavement still reverberated in her ears. The only reprieve was the fact that both the mama and the baby were stable. For now. The whole situation had been terrifying. The fact that it could've just as easily been her that got hit, scared Carina to no end.
And then Maya had shown up amidst the commotion, and all Carina could think about was how utterly overwhelmed she was.
Maya was frightened. Carina understood. She knew what that fear felt like. She had experienced it almost every waking moment for the past four years now. Even in their current situation, her stomach had slightly dropped when Maya had texted her that she was cleared to go on calls.
It was all just too much. Too many feelings, too many emotions, over the span of very little time.
Stepping out of the shower, Carina made up her mind that she wouldn't bother going back to the hotel. She didn't have it in her to face the loneliness that came with it.
Most nights, the silence throughout the hotel room would keep her up. When she had gotten so accustomed to the sound of Maya breathing across from her, she didn't know.
After spending most of her life alone, left to fend for herself, Carina had become just about the most independent person alive. How had Maya managed to change all that? How had Carina fallen so head over heels for her that even the mere thought of life without Maya sounded too formidable?
She had spent these last few weeks doing her best not to need Maya around. Not to want her, every minute of every day. She still wouldn't admit to anyone but herself that she would always want her.
But Maya was her wife.
The constant need for your partner is what makes a marriage.
But then they were also separated.
Carina truly just didn't how to feel. The Maya that kept showing up at the hospital, and in the hotel room, was her Maya. But who was to say that a few days down the line, the other Maya wouldn't return?
She wouldn't be able to survive the pain that came with that.
Shelving all the sorrow and exhaustion and heartbreak to the back of her mind, Carina decided she needed to sleep.
~.~
Had Carina chosen any of the other on-call rooms to sleep in, she wouldn't have seen her wife tucked under the covers on the bottom bunk of this one, fast asleep.
Maya had stayed.
It made her ridiculously happy to see her there when she had first pushed the door open. Maya looked so at peace.
She always had, when she was fast asleep. It was as if the worry and the ambition and the eyes forward were an armour she put on the moment she woke up.
But like this, deep in slumber, Maya looked so childlike and naive, Carina nearly lost all resolve and had almost curled up next to her wife. Almost.
She had half a mind to wake her up, knowing that she had left mid-shift, but Carina wanted Maya there, with her.
She didn't even have to be in the same bed, but knowing that Maya was physically there, in the same room, provided her with an unbelievable amount of comfort. And Carina felt like she'd earned the right to be a little selfish today.
After admiring her wife for a moment longer, she made her way to the ladder leading to the top bunk.
She was so tired and so drained, that when her foot slipped off the second rung, she wasn't even surprised.
"Oh merda," she whispered under her breath, trying again to get her footing right.
"Carina?"
Her eyes snapped up to Maya's, the rasp in her wife's voice the first thing she registered. Carina internally scolded herself for allowing her thoughts to stray in that direction, at a time like this.
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to wake you."
"No, it's okay. I didn't even mean to fall asleep but Dr. Altman said I could wait in here and I- I was waiting for you."
Maya sat up in the bottom bunk, her SFD shirt coming fully into view, while Carina still stood by the ladder.
"Yeah, I tried calling but it kept going straight to voicemail, so I-"
"Oh, shit. My- my phone died, I'm so sorry. We were in a cave all day, and I think I drained it trying to call you over and over. Sorry." She said sheepishly.
"You were in a cave?"
"Yeah, we were on a call near the cascades, it was.. ah it was thrilling? Not exactly in the good way."
"Are you- are you okay? Are you hurt or-" Carina tried not to let her voice falter, her emotions starting to get the best of her.
"No, Carina, I'm fine but what about you? Are you.. okay?"
Carina could sense her wife's hesitance. Maya looked like she wanted to reach over and touch her but was also making a conscious effort to keep space between them.
It made Carina even sadder that this was what it had come to. They were so in love, and now they could barely touch the other without thinking it through fifty times.
The love was still there, from Maya's side too. She could see that, plain as day. But now there was pain and heartbreak in the mix too. It didn't make anything easier.
"I..I don't know," she sighed out before sitting on the very edge of the bed, mindful not to touch Maya, "I don't know."
"Do you want to talk about it?"
Her wife's voice was nothing but kind.
It exuded empathy and Carina hated it. It made it that much harder for her to ignore the ache in her stomach. The ache that was constantly yelling at her how much she needed her wife.
She got off the bed abruptly, "No."
Carina was determined to make her way back up the ladder to the top bunk but was stopped again by Maya's voice.
"Carina- hey, okay you don't have to talk. I'm not going to force you to, but please, just stay a second."
Maya's eyes had always been one of her very few weaknesses, and the current longing in them only spurred her on to give in. Somewhat.
Stepping back down from the rung, she gave Maya a pointed look, "I don't need you, okay?"
Her wife's face washed over with confusion at first, but it was replaced with hurt almost immediately, "Oh. Okay."
Maya's gaze shifted off of Carina for the first time since she'd woken up, trying to find something to set her eyes on.
"No! I mean, I- I need you but I'm not some damsel in distress that you have to keep saving. I can deal with my problems on my own, Maya. It's what I've been doing all my life."
"Oh- okay, I- I'm sorry, I just thought...I thought something had happened to you and you have to understand Carina, I was really worried. I just had to make sure you were okay. I- I'll leave now."
Carina stared as Maya threw one leg out of the comforter, placing it on the floor. Before she could move her other, though, Carina spoke up, she being the one to interrupt her wife's actions this time.
"No," she whispered, "Don't go."
"Carina, you just said-"
"I'm sorry. Please don't go."
Maya sighed before she wordlessly tucked her right leg back under the blanket, her eyes coming up to lock with Carina's. A moment passed before she lightly patted the space next to her.
"Lay with me?"
Carina's inner turmoil returned twice as fiercely. Talking to Maya was one thing. Lying down next to her, in such close proximity, was a whole other thing.
Yet again, her heart overruled her head, as she gently shuffled over to Maya's side and settled next to her, enough distance between them that they weren't touching anywhere. Somehow she could still feel Maya all over, the heat radiating off her enough to make Carina feel all tingly.
After laying there for a solid minute, Carina was the first to break the silence.
"I'm trying so hard not to need you, Maya. It physically hurts to be away from you when everything is falling apart, but I need to be able to pick up the pieces myself."
Both wives kept their hands folded on their stomachs, not trusting themselves enough to allow them to freely roam.
"I get that. Trust me, I do, but that doesn't mean you have to be alone in your pain, Carina."
Maya's words pierced her heart. She had to choke back a sob before she could get any more words of her own out.
"Every time you drop everything and come to check on me, I get a tiny bit more scared. Every time I see a glimpse of you, the real you, it terrifies me, Maya. Last week, with the lasagna, I felt like I could use my being sick as an excuse to have you near me, to have you hold me. But today, I'm not sick and I still want you here. I want you to hold me, and that scares me so much, bambina."
"So let me hold you, Carina. There's nothing wrong with wanting to be held after having the shittiest day ever."
Despite all the feelings swirling around in her, Carina couldn't help but marvel at how far her wife had come. Maya had never been one to seek physical comfort after a bad day.
And now, she offered her embrace but made no move to touch Carina, letting her decide where to go from there.
As much as she tried to argue with herself, deep down Carina knew she definitely did not need any more convincing.
Turning to her left, she lifted Maya's arm gently before tucking herself into her wife's side. Maya's arm immediately came around her waist, her grip firm but somehow so soft.
Her ear ended up against Maya's chest, feeling the vibrations when Maya deeply sighed.
It felt so good to be this close to her.
To touch her.
To feel her breathe.
To have her scent linger longer than two seconds.
"Maya?" she shifted her gaze to look up at Maya.
"Mhm?"
"Why are you all sweaty?"
The blush that crept onto her wife's cheeks was a stark contrast to the rest of her face, vividly visible even in the slight darkness of the on-call room.
"I uh- I told you, we were in that cave and it was... hot."
"You came here straight from the cave?"
"Yeah.." her voice trailed off.
"Maya, you made the whole team drive here just for me? Are you crazy?"
"No! I didn't, I had them drop me off.." Carina's eyebrows were almost to her forehead as she waited for Maya to finish her sentence, "...ten blocks away. It was on the way back so-"
"Wait, you walked here from ten blocks away?!"
"More like...ran."
"Maya!"
"What did you expect me to do? I was scared, okay? What if something had happened to you, Carina? What if you- what if you were the one who- who.. you know-"
"Hey, hey. I'm okay. I'm here, and I'm completely fine, okay?"
Carina's hands came up from around Maya to her wife's face, her thumb lightly grazing her cheek.
"Yeah, but anything could've happened! I wouldn't have even gotten you back before I lost you again. I-"
"Maya, breathe. I'm okay. You're okay. We're both fine, we're both safe."
Carina kept her hand on Maya's cheek, their eyes locked, as both women breathed.
It took a while but eventually, Maya calmed down, though her grip on Carina was progressively getting tighter. Not that Carina minded. This was all she had wanted all day.
"Do you have to go back to work?" she whispered her question, not wanting to startle Maya.
"No, I texted Andy earlier saying I wouldn't be coming back for the rest of the shift."
Maya kept putting Carina first. And yes, it did terrify her, but it was also such a delightful feeling. To be loved and to be in love.
She still needed time to come to terms with everything but it was as if they were given the opportunity to fall for each other all over again. Harder and hopelessly faster than the first time.
"Will you stay here? Just lie with me for a while?"
"Of course, Carina." Maya brought her left arm around her too, hugging Carina, who was practically laying on top of her.
"Oh, and Maya?"
"Yeah?"
"Today wasn't the shittiest day ever, you giving me food poisoning still takes the trophy for that."
Maya feigned offense, gasping dramatically.
"Okay, it's been like a whole week, when are you going to let that go?"
"Never! You nearly killed me, you know."
"I did not nearly kill you, it was just some mild vomiting."
"Yeah, yeah, I'd like to see how you cope with some mild vomiting."
The expression on Maya's face slightly changed, and although Carina couldn't clearly see from the angle she was lying in, she could make out the all too familiar features of guilt.
"I am sorry, you know." Maya's apology came out hushed.
"I know, bella."
Maya wasn't just apologising for the food poisoning. It was everything that had led up to that point. She knew the guilt for everything was probably eating her alive.
Reaching up slightly, Carina planted a soft, tender kiss on Maya's cheek.
They'd talk. Tomorrow or the day after. But for now, this would be enough.
Carina lay back down, this time tucking her face against Maya's neck, breathing in the only air that made her feel alive.
Because she also knew how insanely happy she felt in Maya's arms, despite having been to hell's door and back.
She knew how safe she felt the second Maya's palm wrapped around her waist.
She knew how content she was to lie there, in that cramped bunk, with Maya.
The rest of the world forgotten.