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Dear diary,
It’s been one month since my arrival in Azkaban.
I’ve spent most nights and days listening to Bella’s horrid wailings and little Barty Couch jr’s ramblings of my late brother. Its safe to say that if the dementors don’t drive you mad, then the other inmates surely will.
As for the situation beyond these walls, it does not seem as though I will be getting any trial. I thought that Dumbledore would surely use his power and gain me a trial, but atlas he seems to have other priorities.
I must go now; the guards are going around for the evening patrol.
Dear diary,
Last I wrote was a week ago and I have some things that I must clarify before I fill in on this week’s escapades.
The reason mi in Azkaban is because my sniveling rat of a friend took up with Voldy Moldy and betrayed James and lily. I’m not sure how I have remained sane yet far, but I believe that it has to do with padfoot. Padfoot is my Animagus form, a grim hound, who used to run on those silver nights with moony, prongs, and worm tail.
I have been able to make certain arrangements with guards in exchange for paper and pencils (sorry Moony). I doubt that anyone will ever be able to read this before I die in this cell.
Now that the depressing things have been clarified, ill tell you about my informative eavesdropping on lil baby Crouch. Barty Couch jr was in Reggie’s year at Hogwarts and they happened to be close because they shared a dorm. He was a terror among the halls. Barty would hang first years upside down from the ceiling and he wasn’t afraid of a little torture.
Knowing this, you wont find it hard to believe that he was accepted among Death Eater ranks. Barty was discovered among those who tortured Alice and Frank so he was imprisoned by his own father.
Well last night I heard Barty’s mumbling voices echoing through the desolate corridors. It isn’t unusual among Azkaban guest to be muttering in ones sleep, but it was something that he said that had me switching to my canine form for better audio.
He said, “don’t do it Reggie, it’s not worth it if he finds out, this will kill you, you wont find them.” Now I have no idea what he was attempting to find, but it seems as though he was going against the Dark Lord’s wishes.
I’m going to think on this more as I try to drowned out Bella’s cackles in the next cell over.
Dear diary,
I’ve been thinking of Moony lately.
I left things rocky with him. We both thought of each other as the mole within the Order, and the trust that are relationship was built on had been steadily chipping away. Just before Halloween, Remus had left for another mission which I knew none of the details of.
I of course now known that he was not guilty and have felt terrible for making him believe that his being a werewolf made him inherently untrust worthy. I know that Remus doesn’t have anyone left and that he will continue to tear himself to shreds each and every full moon.
In Azkaban that nights and days blend together, but occasionally the sky will clear just enough for me to see a full glowing orb and nearly tear my hair out jut to alleviate the pain in my heart.
All the laughs and fun times and the humor of my school days are so far out of reach now.
I’ve been in Azkaban for nearly five months, and I don’t know how long I can make it. Each day feels more gray and soul sucking than the last.
My moon is gone, my sun had forever left me and the earth below me has cracked and unmercifully swallowed me whole. Yet, I cant help but feel like I deserve all this.
Abandoning Regulus, betraying Remus to Snape, and not seeing how clear it was the peter was the traitor after all. It almost feels as though is slayed the potters myself, as though I case the unforgivable to steal their breath away.
I understand why Moony believed me capable of such things and I am not the least bit angry at him for it.
Dear diary,
It’s been six or seven months since Halloween. I am starting to lose track of time.
What I do know is that Barty’s mutterings and whining have stopped. He’s most likely dead. I don’t feel any pity or grief for him because of what he did to Alice and Frank, but also because of his not having the courage to leave a cruel master.
Sometimes when the dementors go a little farther away, I’m able to fuck around with my cousin who’s a few cells down.
Bellatrix Lestrange is a menace and an insane bitch, but before that she’s, my cousin. You know what they say, the only one capable of pushing each other buttons in the most painful way is family.
Sometimes ill scream at her about how she married a prick and got herself stuck in the Dark lord’s ranks. She’ll scream back about how I am a disappointment to the black family name, and I should be cruccioed. I think were really working through the strains and putting in the quality bonding time, but usually when this happens one of the Lestrange brothers will start high pitch screaming until we shut up.
It’s the only thing that brings me slight joy, if you can even call it that, these days.
Dear diary,
I can’t do it anymore.
It’s been 3 years of this hellhole and I’m thorough. I can barely remember anything now other than the bodies, the pain, and the screams of many.
Padfoot helped at first, but now I barely change back to my human form, for fear of the memories being even more prominent.
They always spoke of the Black madness as though it wasn’t a thing, but I understand now. I’m no better than bloody Bellatrix the screaming queen.
Sometimes I find myself muttering things and I can’t seem to stop.
I just want this to be over already. I am so close to just ending it all. Then maybe the pain will stop.
I don’t think I continue writing. I’m not sure if ill even get another chance.
Whoever reads this when I’m gone I want you to know that peter Pettigrew was the potters secret keeper and he ran away as an Animagus rat with one finger. Also check on Harry for me and make sure that he’s getting all the love that he deserves.
Goodbye…
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9yrs later…
I’ve done it!!!
I’ve found him!!
Its peter the fucking betrayer Pettigrew.
He was in the paper last week along with many Weasleys. Nobody else knowns about Peter but he is their family’s fucking pet.
He’s at Hogwarts.
But Harrys is at Hogwarts.
Pete will hurt harry.
I need to help harry.
Peters at Hogwarts.
He’s at Hogwarts.
This is my last journal entry because I am leaving this place. I need to help harry…