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The A-ranked villain Archive, the son of the devil, the green demon Midoriya Izuku, let out a sigh as he closed his laptop and rubbed his tired eyes.
He needed the rest of the week off, even if it was only Wednesday.
Alas.
“Kurogiri,” he commanded, and a moment later the door whispered open and then shut as his moth faithful henchman appeared. “Please tell me that I didn’t just read an article about Takeshi-kun being found marooned on a deserted island in the middle of the Indian Ocean.”
After a short, embarrassed pause, Kurogiri spoke; “I’m sorry, sir, but didn’t you ask me to take care of him last week?”
“I meant to take care of him well literally , Kurogiri,” Izuku groaned, feeling a migraine coming on. “I wanted you to make sure he was given a steady supply of his favorite drink and some food to go with it. Then I wanted you to take him to one of the safehouses and sit things out for a while, the man’s had a rough week. And I meant an actual nice safehouse!”
“Oh. But you said I should take care of him well. That means ‘kill them slowly and hide the body’ in henchmenese.”
There it was. There it was again!
Izuku let out a frustrated sigh.
Why did villains insist on using henchmenese and not use plain Japanese?
He knew that villainy was a career - a lifestyle! - steeped in tradition and ritual, but this was one he would have been happy to do without. Izuku let out a sigh and pinched the bridge of his nose.
“No, Kurogiri... alright, no more Henchmanese when I’m in a meeting, until I get some more practice.”
“Oh, that was pretty good just now, sir.”
“What, I’m in a meeting?”
“Yes, sir, that was done perfectly.”
“What did I even say?”
“That you would be in a meeting, that it would be a very unpleasant experience for whoever you were meeting, and that anyone interrupting would be in trouble, sir.”
Izuku decided that, for the sake of his sanity, that Kurogiri was unaware that he was sassing.
“Okay, but still; I’m not even that fluent yet so we’ll leave things plain and simple for now. Like, if I said to you to clean him up, what would happen?”
Kurogiri paused for a moment, then answered; “Provide him with bathing facilities, a fresh change of clothes, and perhaps a haircut if one was necessary.”
“And if I told you to… clean him up?”
“Remove all evidence linking him to our organization, then kill them and dump their body somewhere in Mon Kalamari harbor, sir.”
The A-ranked villain spread his arms in a ‘See? See!?’ gesture. “That’s the problem! I can barely tell the difference between the two.”
“Well, as your father says, practice makes perfect, sir. However, now that you made me aware of this, I would like your clarification on a previous instruction given to me.”
Izuku had a moment of intuition. “... is this about that heroine we captured on Monday?”
Despite having most of his face obscured by purple-black mist, Kurogiri managed to project a sheepish aura. “This is about the heroine we captured Monday.”
Fighting the urge to let out a groan, Izuku rubbed at his temples as he felt a headache coming on. “Please tell me she’s still alive?”
“Yes. I put her in one of our safehouses,” Kurogiri confirmed, “the nice penthouse in Kabuki-cho, like you… errr, like I thought you instructed me to.”
Izuku’s mood brightened, just a touch. “Oh, that’s not too bad. Has she escaped yet? Do we need a cleanup crew?”
“She has not.” That sheepish look was back again as Kurogiri politely coughed into his gloved fist. “I apologize, sir, but I may have left the impression that you wanted to visit her later.”
Izuku actually turned to look at his henchman directly, which might have been rude in henchmanese etiquette ( a good villain should always keep his full attention on matters at hand, not on their Henchies ), but Kurogiri didn’t comment on it.
“Kurogiri, what the hell? I’m a villainous mastermind, not some despoiler of heroines,” Izuku explained.
Kurogiri very carefully did not meet his boss’ eyes. “I do believe it's not considered ‘despoiling’ if she’s already given her consent, sir. Enthusiastically so. More a tryst or a rendezvous, though should the arrangement become permanent, it may become a case of… elopement .”
Izuku was glad Kurogiri didn’t have eyebrows to waggle, because he might have ended the night with murdering his best henchman and a good family friend. Thankfully, all he did was let out a long groan as his head hit the desk.
He scrubbed his hands through his messy green hair, trying not to think about how he was supposed to explain to tell ‘the horny on main’ heroine Pixie-Bob that A) she was free to go and B) she wasn’t getting laid tonight.
“Aaauuuuuuugh.”
“Sir?”
Izuku got up and shrugged on his suit jacket, a plan coming to mind.
“I need a portal to the Kabuki-cho safehouse. And I’ll probably need some restraints, too.”
“Will you be taking the heroine up on her offer, then, sir?”
He stared at his best henchman with a haunted expression, and pointed at the door.
“Just get me that goddamn portal, Kurogiri.”
= = = = =
Pixie-Bob was comfortably bored.
She had just stepped out of the shower and had picked up a book to slowly enjoy for the rest of the night with a glass of wine. Unfortunately, between hero work and trying to hunt down a partner, Tsuchikawa Ryuuko hadn’t exactly had much time to indulge in reading.
However, finding out that whoever maintained this place had kept up-to-date with some astoundingly trashy romance novel series had been a delight that had taken the edge off her anxiety, waiting for whatever fate they had in store for her.
She lounged in a green silk robe, sprawled over the couch as she mindlessly flipped through the seventeen terabytes of pirated movies available to her. She scrolled through the menu, trying to find that balance between something bad enough that she didn’t feel bad missing out on, while still good enough that she wouldn’t be driven to distraction by how bad it was; some white noise to read to.
Still, she admired whoever designed this place; the interior designer had impeccable taste in both decoration and security. While she couldn’t figure out a way to contact the outside world (polarized windows, very secure doors), she had still found both a well stocked library (digital format and physical books) and pantry (those cookies were delicious) - both of which she picked from as she enjoyed a truly isolating two days off Being An Adult.
Honestly, it wasn’t so bad - if only the rest of the Pussycats were here!
Ryuuko’s train of thought was interrupted by the sound of the front door opening.
Her mind ran over the words that the villain’s portal-henchman had left her with: “He’ll be with you soon enough.”
Well, it’s about time!
She didn’t get a chance to call out to her captor that she was waiting for him. Instead, a well-dressed but very tired-looking young man walked in, a tray of cookies in hand and - “Hey, that’s my wine glass!”
“It’s my wine ,” he shot back, and drank from it without giving her any further chance to argue.
Oh. Game on.
“Well, I guess I know who to thank for the hospitality, then~” she began, giving him a teasing wink as she looked around. “A real nice safehouse you got here, Archive. How’s the housekeeping? Depending on how things go… we could leave this place in a real mess, you know?”
“Housekeeping is competent, even if there’s a bit of a language barrier,” Archive nodded, “and I’m not terribly worried about fighting an unarmed pro hero without access to any earth for her quirk to work with.”
Darn, he certainly called that bluff quickly.
“Well, I was thinking about making a different kind of mess,” Ryuuko purred; she preferred more muscly guys, but the example of the male gender in front of her wasn’t offensive to her tastes.
“Oh? Did you have something in mind?” Archive asked, eyebrow arching. “I do too…”
= = = = =
Days of ‘she’ll be okay’ abruptly ended at the Pussycats compound as a black and purple portal opened up in the living room.
Tiger and Mandalay sprang to their feet as Ragdoll shouted in alarm, right before Pixie-Bob was unceremoniously ejected from the portal and landed on the couch with an alarmed screech.
Her clothes soon followed, including her loosened cat ears which nailed her in the face as she tried to say something.
Then an arm stuck through, deposited a basket of… something… , and then disappeared back into the shrinking portal, which winked out of existence as quickly as it had appeared.
Everyone in the room froze.
Finally, Ryuuko broke the silence by brandishing her wrists and the solid-looking handcuffs she had on them. “Get. These. Off.”
Mandalay blinked. “Right. Uh, Tiger, the handcuff key is in the gear cabinet. Ryuuko, are you hurt?”
Ragdoll ignored the other two as they fussed over Pixie-Bob, instead walking over to the basket that the villains had placed on their coffee table.
It was a baked goods arrangement, including a note in impeccable penmanship.
[Horny cat. Please spay.]
She couldn’t help it: Ragdoll let out a laugh.
= = = = =
HeroNews.Net
Pixie-Bob escapes from villainous clutches, swears revenge!
After a harrowing two nights in captivity, pro heroine Pixie-Bob of the Wild Wild Pussycats has managed to effect a spectacular escape and reported in at the Kabuki-cho central police station yesterday evening.
In a Wild Wild Pussycats media release this morning, Pixie-Bob has now been confirmed safe and is now recuperating after her ordeal in the clutches of Archive, an A-ranked villain and leader of several illicit organizations.
The heroine has sworn revenge on the villain, stating “You might have slipped away this time, Archive, but I’ll make sure I’ll get you next time! Nya!”