Work Text:
Chip
His brown eyes were so enchanting to Gillion, his smile was unbelievably contagious, everything about his co-captain was stunning. And the Triton longed for Chip to look at him the same way he looked at the women they met. The same way he looked at his dear sister, Edyn. It was such a loving gaze, and Gillion felt selfish for wanting it to be on him. Why would it ever be on him?
Gillion Tidestrider was not worthy of love, especially from the man who plagued his mind every day. Gillion had placed Chip in danger far too many times, and he never once shown himself worthy of his love. So why did it hurt to see Chip flirt with a girl when he knew Chip could never return the love he had for him?
Pathetic
It was pathetic to feel hurt because of that. There was something so deeply wrong with him. So deeply wrong with the fact that he wished it was him. He wished Chip would wrap an arm around his shoulders, and tell a cheesy pick up line to him. He wished to be able to kiss his lips again, feel them again his own and relish in the feeling.
They had kissed once, though Chip obviously showed he never wanted to talk about it. He was embarrassed. Embarrassed that he had to kiss Gillion, because he never loved him. And he never would love him. Because who could look at him, and have to deal with dangerous situations because of him and still love him? No one. The triton was suddenly pulled from his thoughts after someone snapped Infront of his face.
"Gill..?"
It was Jay. She was staring at him with a worried look on her face. Jay was worthy of love, she had never taken the crew into any danger. It was so obvious why Lizzie loved Jay, and why Jay loved Lizzie back. But it hurt him to know that it couldn't be him and Chip like that.
"What's up, Jay?" He forced a smile, his mind suddenly becoming aware of all the sound around him at once. He suddenly became aware of the blood dripping from his arms as he held onto himself tightly. He pulled his hands away from his arms, and looked up at Jay who stared at him with deep concern. He could barely see Chip and that woman still talking.
"What's wrong..?" Jay asked with a genuinely upset tone. She gently took Gillions hands, and pulled them away from himself so he wouldn't dig them into his skin anymore. Gillion fell silent, swallowing thickly as he tried to get rid of the pericing feeling that settled inside his heart. He let his gaze drop, not being able to look at Jay and tell her the truth.
"Nothing.." he muttered. His chest tightened as he told the lie, it hurt. He could still feel Jay's worried eyes on him, burning holes into his head. He didn't want to bother Jay with his problems. He knew Jay would also think it was pathetic. Pathetic that he was upset over Chip. The Elders would be disappointed. They always told him that love was useless, that it was weak and that he didn't deserve it. And they were right.
"This doesn't seem like nothing, Gill.." Jay's voice sounded even more worried now. Gillion wanted to leave, he wanted to get out. The sounds of the tavern were blowing up in his ears, his thoughts were speeding and tears were starting to prick in his ocean blue eyes. Without warning he pulled his hands away from Jay, and stood up. He stepped away for a moment before just running out. He heard Jay call his name, but he didn't look back.
Gillion stopped running after a bit, and he just walked back to the Albatross. Tears slipped down his face as he cried. He shook his head trying to wipe them away. It was pathetic that he was crying over something like this. He was crying over love, why was he crying over love? Chip didn't love him, why couldn't he get that pushed through his head? Chip would never love him. No one could ever love him.
Gillion still felt that pericing pain of heartbreak emitting from his chest, and it hurt more than before. It felt so painful to think about Chip, think about his smile, every single detail that Gillion found himself getting attached to, falling in love with until he fell in love with Chip completely.
He wanted Chip to cup his cheeks and pull him into a kiss. But he would never get that kiss. He wanted Chip to hold his hand, and smile as he interlocks their fingers. But he would never get to hold it. He wanted Chip to dance with him on the deck, even if he didn't know how to dance. But he would never get that dance. He would never get to cuddle with Chip, to say his name and tell him that he loves him because it would be absolutely useless.
Because Chip didn't love him.
He loved Edyn, he loved that woman in the tavern. He might as well love Caspian for all he knew. But he didn't love him. And he never would. If Gillion confessed he would laugh in his face, maybe even kick him off the ship. And he would let him, because he wants Chip to be happy. If Chip is not happy having him around because he developed stupid feelings for him than he'd let the man kill him. Because he was right.
He did not deserve love. He did not deserve it one bit and it was selfish for him to love Chip and feel hurt when he loves someone else. Because Chip is happy, he doesn't need to bring his own feelings in because Chips feelings mattered way more than his own. Chip himself mattered way more than anything about him. A voice brought him out of his thoughts once again, but this time it wasn't Jay.
"Gill?..! Hey buddy- there you are." Chip walked over with a frown on his face, putting a hand on his shoulder. "What's wrong? You..just ran out of the tavern, Jay looked worried about you." Chip also looked worried. The hand was burning him, making his shoulder feel numb and making him freeze up as he looked at Chip. He studied his expression, a few stray tears still littering his face.
"Nothing.." Gillion said again, the pain only growing as the lie slipped off his tounge feeling like lava. Chip frowned more, and he tightened his grip on his shoulder looking at Gillion still with a worried look.
"Gill..-"
"It's nothing!" Gillion snapped, pulling away from Chip his body shaking as he did so. Chip's eyes widened and he looked surprised.
"Gill.." Chip said a lot quieter, and Gillion felt a bit of guilt rush through him as he realized he yelled at Chip. There was another reason Chip didn't love him, he snapped at him. Like he snapped that one time and built an ice arena because Chip lied to him. Chip started to speak again, but Gillion blocked it out. Gillion blocked it all out, and he closed his eyes shaking his head.
He wanted to get rid of this feeling, this feeling that burned so deeply inside of him. He wanted to stop loving Chip.
Because he knew Chip would never love him back