Work Text:
It is late by the time Carina finishes work. After Tia’s emergency c-section was Jackie, who gave birth to a baby boy she named Dylan; then Natalie, whose daughter weighed in at a healthy eight pounds six ounces; and finally Katherine, whose son entered the world screaming, as if he knew what kind of day it had been. Carina smiles at each happy set of parents, congratulates them and wishes their family well, but the joy she usually feels is missing.
She is numb as she walks through the hospital towards her office. She hasn’t allowed herself to remember the image of the car purposefully driving towards her colleagues, or Tia being flipped through the air and landing on the hard concrete ground. She hasn’t allowed herself to feel the hatred that the man behind the wheel so clearly had for all of them, not just Addison, for simply doing their jobs. She hasn’t allowed the anger to build or fear to creep in or tears to fall, because Tia and Jackie and Natalie and Katherine needed her today and they came first.
But now her job is done for the day and everything she has buried deep is threatening to come spilling out, but she isn’t ready for it – not yet. Grabbing her coat and bag, Carina heads down to the first floor to leave for the night. Despite the late hour, there are still police milling around, making sure that no-one else gets hurt. Their presence should make her feel better, but the reason why they are there sends a chill down her spine. She offers one a smile as he holds the door open for her, bidding her a good night.
The evening air is cool and Carina wraps her coat tightly around her body as she makes her way towards her car. She fishes around for her keys in her bag and, as she does, her phone pings. Distracted for a moment, she pulls her cell phone from her pocket, bringing up a message from Maya.
I know you’ve had a rough day and I hope you’re ok. My shift finishes at 8am tomorrow, if you need to talk, I’m here. Breakfast maybe? I’m thinking of you. Maya xx
Carina thinks back to earlier this afternoon when she had, almost literally, bumped into Maya in the corridor. Maya’s worry had been written all over her face, the need to see her wife apparent. It had taken all of Carina’s strength not to fall into her arms then and there, to let Maya offer her the comfort and strength she so desperately needed. But her job didn’t allow her to fall apart, she had barely been able to say thank you before she had been pulled back into another delivery. She had to stay strong.
She always has to stay strong – for everyone else.
She can’t bring herself to reply just yet. Instead, she finds her keys and unlocks the door. Once inside, she takes a deep, long breath, letting it fill her lungs. It is only then that she is powerless to stop her feelings from engulfing her. Hands shaking, her chest heaves as a loud sob escapes from her, tears falling down her cheeks and into her lap. She covers her eyes as she cries, dropping her head.
She cries for Tia, who lies unconscious in a hospital bed and hasn’t had the chance to see her new baby boy. She cries for Connor, who is alone in the NICU, hooked up to wires and machines instead of in the comfort of his mother’s arms. She cries for the women who are made to feel like criminals for seeking medical care, for exercising their right to choose, for putting themselves first.
She chose to be an OBGYN doctor for her mother, because she realised too soon, when Mama died when Carina was just 23 years old, that medicine focussed on women didn’t get the attention it deserved. She wants to make it right, she wants to change the system, but all she sees at the moment is the world going backwards and there is nothing she can do about it. She fights, they all fight – Bailey and Addison and Jo – but today has reminded her how hard that fight is and she feels her resolve weakening.
After a few minutes, she pulls herself together, wiping her tears from her eyes and letting out a long exhale. She can’t sit in the hospital parking lot crying all night, she needs to go home.
Except Carina isn’t going home. She hasn’t been home for six weeks. She is still living out of a suitcase in a hotel room with a hard mattress and crappy water pressure. What she wouldn’t give to have a decent night’s sleep in her own bed, with her high thread count sheets and plush pillows.
What she wouldn’t give to sleep beside her wife tonight, to have Maya’s arms wrapped around her, making her feel calm and safe. Bailey gets to go home to Ben and her kids, Jo has Luna and Link waiting for her at the end of the day, but Carina? There is no-one waiting for her.
Her body aches with longing for home comforts and she looks down at her phone, thinking about the message that Maya sent. She is back at work now and won’t be home until the morning. It is not like she would object if Carina asked to spend a night at home, but Carina doesn’t want to open that conversation, knowing it will only encourage Maya to ask her to move home permanently and she isn’t ready for that, not yet.
Putting the car into drive, she moves out of her parking space and lets her instincts direct her. Before she knows it, she arrives at their apartment, pulling into an empty space. She moves on autopilot as she takes the elevator to the sixth floor, walking the familiar corridor to the front door.
The apartment is dark and she is guided by the moonlight that lights the apartment through the windows, preferring its soft glow over the brightness of the overhead light. The apartment is clean and tidy, much the same as when she left it all those weeks ago. The throw she brought back from her last trip to Italy still is draped over the back of the couch, her favourite pieces of art still hang from the walls, their wedding photo still sits on the shelf over the fireplace, their happy faces beaming back at her. The treadmill is back in its normal place, the sight of it making her shudder, and she looks away from it.
Carina hangs up her coat and slips out of her shoes, then heads into the kitchen. Her pots and pans still hang from their usual spot, her coffee machine in its right place, her cookbooks lined up on the counter. All so familiar, everything as it should be – except for her. She feels like a stranger in her own home, like she shouldn’t be here.
She pours herself a glass of water and wanders down the hallway into the bedroom, her eyes immediately falling on the bed, its fresh sheets inviting her in. She doesn’t plan to be here long, just a few hours to get some sleep. She isn’t rostered to work tomorrow but she will head in anyway to check on Andra, Tia and the rest of her patients, and to help Doctor Bailey with any necessary admin.
She strips herself of her clothes and heads into the en suite bathroom, turning on the shower and stepping underneath the hot water. She lets it cascade down her body, drenching her hair. There is a new bottle of her shampoo on the shelf that Maya must have bought after her last visit and she lathers her hair, letting the day’s trauma wash off her.
Once she is clean, Carina wraps herself up in a fresh towel, soft and fluffy, and steps up to the mirror. Dark circles have started to form under her eyes, her skin is tight and dry, and she borrows some of Maya’s moisturiser. Its smell fills her nostrils and she pushes away the memories of all the times she has buried her face into Maya’s neck, inhaling her scent. She finds a spare toothbrush in the cabinet to clean her teeth, dropping it into the mug next to the sink when she is done.
She heads back into the bedroom and pulls a clean pair of pyjamas from the drawer, then roughly dries her hair. She pauses by the side of the bed, wondering if this is a good idea. It is her bed too, she reasons, but still she hesitates. The need is too strong and exhaustion wins, and she pulls back the comforter, climbing into the bed.
An audible sigh of delight breaks the silence as she sinks into the mattress, pulling the covers over her. A warmth spreads through her body at the comfort that the familiar fabric brings and she rolls onto her right side so that she stares at the empty space beside her. It has been six weeks since she shared this bed with her wife and Carina still isn’t used to it, still finds her hand reaching out for Maya’s hips in the darkness, craving a little bit of physical contact as she falls asleep. Her hand reaches out now, this time to grasp Maya’s pillow, pulling it closer and burying her face into it. It smells of Maya, just like she hoped it would – of her moisturiser and shampoo, and Carina feels tears prick the corners of her eyes.
She misses her wife. She misses the life they had built and the family they were trying to create; she misses the fun and joy and intimacy they shared every day. She misses the way Maya would be there in her darkest moments, making her believe that it would be okay in the end, even when everything felt bleak.
What she wouldn’t give to have that Maya with her right now, arms wrapped around her, whispering the assurances that Carina so desperate wants to hear right now. She closes her eyes, imagining what it would feel like to be wrapped up in Maya’s arms; her nose nuzzled into the crook of Maya’s neck, strands of blonde hair tickling her face; bodies pressed against each other and legs tangled together. Carina lets the feeling wash over her, lulling her into a sleep.
It is just after eight a.m. when Maya gets home from work, exhausted and ready to fall into bed. She and Ben had arrived back at the station just as the klaxon had sounded, calling them to a factory fire on the other side of town that had taken all night to put out. There had been no time for sleep and her eyelids are heavy as she pads down the hallway to her bedroom, pulling off her jacket as she walks.
She doesn’t notice the coat on the hook or the extra pair of shoes in the pile.
She hits the light switch as soon as she walks into the bedroom, gasping in surprise when she finds her wife asleep in their bed.
“Fuck!”
“Fanculo!”
Carina groans at being violently pulled her out of her sleep. Maya’s hand flies to her chest, her heart pounding underneath her shirt.
“God, Carina, you scared me.”
“I’m sorry,” Carina says, sitting up and rubbing her eyes as she gets used to the brightly lit room. Her face flushes with embarrassment at being caught, realising that in her exhaustion she had forgotten to set her alarm. “I didn’t plan to be here when you got home.”
Maya pauses by the door, taking in what she sees. Carina sits on her side of the bed, filling the space that has been empty since Maya got home from the hospital. Her hair, freshly washed, hangs loosely over her bare shoulders, the thin straps of her vest exposing her toned arms – all these things that would normally stir desire in Maya’s belly. Except her focus is on the sadness she sees in Carina’s eyes and the way her mouth turns down at the corners, which tug at her heart instead.
Maya drops her bag and jacket to the floor, and kicks off her shoes, before stepping tentatively into the room. “Are you okay?”
Carina opens her mouth but no words come out. It is such a simple question, but there is no easy answer right now, so all she does is shrug.
“Rough day, huh?”
Carina scoffs and nods. “I, uh… I just didn’t want to go back to the hotel last night.”
She feels vulnerable and draws her knees to her chest, tucking her hair behind her ears to keep her hands busy.
Maya nods. “Yeah, I get that.” She takes another step forwards and sits down on the edge of the bed, near to Carina’s feet but keeping a careful distance. “You know you can stay here any time you want.”
“Maya…” Carina’s tone is soft, but wary.
“I just mean, this is your home too,” Maya says. “It always will be.”
She meets Carina’s eyes, trying to figure out what she is thinking. It used to be so easy for her, but Carina’s own walls are up and Maya knows it is her fault.
“It’s scary, seeing your colleagues get hurt like that,” Maya says – a statement, not a question. It is something she knows about, she has seen too much loss in her own job.
Tears prick Carina’s eyes.
“You can talk to me,” Maya encourages her. “If you want.”
She does want it, Carina realises. Maya looks at her so earnestly that she can’t help but let it all out.
“You know, even with the protesters outside, there was this feeling that we were doing something positive. We had a bunch of interns working with us, from states where women’s rights have been so decimated that they can’t learn everything they need to know in their OB rotation. They were keen and excited to be there. We had women coming into the clinic who can’t even get basic OB care where they live. The protesters, all they ever think about is abortions, but we do so much more than that. We give contraceptive advice and we do pregnancy checks and we carry out STD tests. We care for women. But no-one thinks about that, right?”
She shakes her head bitterly.
“We knew it was getting serious when someone threw a brick through the window and hit one of our doctors. Doctor Altman ordered us to evacuate, but then a patient went into labour. And it was heartbreaking because all she could hear was the protesters outside, so Doctor Bailey got us all to sing to drown them out.” A wistful smile passes across her face. “And it turned into something wonderful and a beautiful little girl was born.”
She looks upwards towards the ceiling, a tear spilling out down her cheek.
“And I thought… this makes it all worth it, because we get to bring babies into the world safely. And these babies are going to be the ones who change it, who right the wrongs that are being done to them.”
Her eyes turn dark.
“All we were trying to do was help women get the care they need, and someone hated us so much for it that they got into a car and drove right at two people, one of whom was pregnant. Someone who was probably shouting ‘pro-life’ at us earlier might have taken two lives. And for what? Vengeance?”
She shakes her head at the senselessness of it all.
“It’s like… no matter how hard I try to do good and help people, it’s not enough.”
Maya isn’t sure if she is still talking about her work or is thinking about them. Even if it isn’t intentional, she notices the relevance of Carina’s words to their marriage.
“I’m sorry,” she says quietly, looking down at her hands where she fiddles with her wedding ring.
Carina heard it in her words herself and understands the meaning behind Maya’s apology. “I know,” she says. “Maya, seeing you at the hospital today… it meant something.” She smiles when Maya looks at her with surprise. “Something good.”
“I was so scared,” Maya admits. “We were on a rescue in some caves when we found out about the protests – and the car accident.”
“Caves?” Carina shudders. She is not a fan of small spaces.
“A social media influencer and her boyfriend got stuck when the ground gave way,” Maya says. She ponders whether to say any more and decides to be honest. “I was on my way down to find them when the update came through. All they said were that two doctors had been hit and I thought… I mean, I didn’t know if…”
Carina purses her lips together and exhales, understanding the fear that Maya must have felt at hearing the news.
“You were worried it was me.”
Maya drops her eyes, remembering how she panicked and how Travis and the Chief had to talk her around. “I was scared that you were hurt, that something had happened to you before we…” She trails off, trying to find the right words. “I hate the thought that something might happen to you without you believing just how sorry I am for everything that happened. And how much I love you – more than anything. I know I haven’t done a good job of showing it, but I’m gonna try harder.”
Carina thinks about what Diane told her last week, about how Maya has continued their sessions since the first mandated one to work on herself – for Carina and their marriage. Carina’s fear of coming second to Maya’s job has always been there, since they first met. No matter the times Maya left her job to be with her, like those weeks after Andrew died or when she was willing to leave it all behind to come to Italy with her during the pandemic. No matter the reassurances that Maya has given her, the doubt has always been there – because Maya has never been able to shake the ‘eyes forward’ mentality that her father instilled in her when she was a child, even after she recognised his abusive tactics.
That doubt isn’t going to go away very quickly. It is a mentality that got Maya hospitalised, after all. But Carina knows that if they are going to move forwards towards reconciliation, she has to find a way to trust Maya – and maybe now is the time to start.
Carina uncurls her legs and shuffles forward just enough to be able to reach out and place her hand over Maya’s. “I know that, bambina. At least, I’m trying to believe that. And I love you, too.”
Maya’s lips tremble. “You do?”
Carina tips her head to one side. “Yes, Maya, very much.”
Maya lifts her hand and runs her fingers across Carina’s cheek, tucking her hair behind her ear and smiling when Carina leans into her palm.
“You know, I’ve been thinking about something that Diane said to me,” Carina says slowly.
“You saw Diane?”
Carina sees the way Maya’s brow crinkle with concern.
“Don’t worry, she kept patient confidentiality,” Carina assures her. “But she did prompt me to think about what I want – for me and for us, and what the future might look like.”
Maya takes a shaky breath. “And?”
“And my future is with you, bambina. I feel that in my heart and my soul,” Carina says with a small smile. “But I’m scared that opening up my heart to you again will just be opening myself up to more pain, more hurt.”
“More chaos?” Maya says in a small voice.
Carina nods.
“I’m working on that,” Maya promises, twisting on the bed to face her, grabbing Carina’s hands with her own. “I don’t want to be chaos any more. Not for me and especially not for you.”
“I know,” Carina says.
“I know it’s going to take time,” Maya says. “I know that asking you to forgive me and move back in and try again is too big a step for us right now. But I’d like us to figure out a way to take a step forwards.”
Carina smiles. “I would like that too.”
A step towards coming home, to getting her life back, to waking up every day with the love of her life and feeling happy.
“How about we start with breakfast?” Carina suggests. “I can make us something to eat while you shower.” She crinkles her nose and playfully grimaces at the stench radiating from her wife.
Maya rolls her eyes. “I know I stink. We got called out to a factory fire last night and I didn’t have time to shower before I came home.”
Carina can see how exhausted she is, her face even more flushed and dirty than when she saw her at the hospital, with streaks of black soot across her cheeks and forehead.
“Breakfast sounds good,” Maya says. “And when I’m less stinky, you know you’re going to have to tell me more about Bailey getting you to sing to a patient.”
She shoots Carina a teasing look, smirking when Carina presses her lips together, squirming with embarrassment.
“It was ‘The Lion Sleeps Tonight’.”
Maya opens her mouth to tease her then closes it again, biting down into her bottom lip to hide her smile.
“Don’t laugh,” Carina warns her, although her tone is laced with amusement. She swings her legs out of the bed.
“I’m not,” Maya says, immediately followed by an involuntary chuckle.
It’s infectious and Carina quickly follows, a laugh escaping from her lips. Maya joins her and they sit, side by side, letting all of their pent up emotions out through laughter this time, instead of tears. Carina can’t remember the last time she laughed like this, her chest rumbling and her shoulders shaking. She falls against Maya’s arms, her body relaxing for the first time in weeks.
“I’ve missed this,” Carina says when their laughter subsides. “I’ve missed you.”
“I’ve missed you,” Maya says. “So much.”
Carina’s gaze drops to Maya’s lips. It would be so easy to lean forwards and kiss her, but there is still something holding her back. Instead, she lifts her hand and cleans a smudge of soot from Maya’s skin, kissing her cheek instead.
No big leaps. Small steps in the right direction – towards happiness and home.