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Buffy, Angel, Xander, Cordelia, Faith, Tara and Spike were all gathered in the Magic Box, with a massive pile of printed shipper fics on the table. Each of them had taken a fic to read, with their reactions varying from amusement, to confusion, surprise, or outright horror.
Cordelia had gathered a stack of papers by her and started rifling through them. “Angel and I having sex on a desk, on the floor, another desk, my apartment, his old apartment, the Hyperion, yet another desk, his car, a couch, here’s with the desk again, the kitchen table, and guess what, the desk.”
Faith looked quite amused at Cordy’s annoyance. “Alright, go get him, Queenie!”
But Cordy was not impressed. “It doesn’t even make sense. Have these people ever heard of the Gypsy curse?” A particularly descriptive fic made her stop and squint. “And is that position even possible?”
Meanwhile, the others were engaged in their own fics. Tara seemed especially engrossed in hers. “I’m glad fans are celebrating my relationship with Willow. They hadn’t seen any woman-loving-woman on network television before, so this meant a lot to them.”
Angel was also distracted by his fic. “I don’t bite during sex,” he mumbled.
Faith was also enjoying herself. “Hey Xan, got another one with you and Red.”
Xander groaned. Ugh, they’re never gonna let that go, are they? And where are all the stories with me and An, anyway? All I see here is something they call ‘slash’, what even is that?"
Spike, however, had come over to Cordy to look at the sex position she’d found. “Oh, it’s possible, all right, pet. Just don’t know why you’d want to, you humans being so fragile and all. You’d kill your back.”
“Why does everyone think I bite during sex?” Angel asked, reading another fic.
Xander suddenly dropped he story he’d been reading like it was acid. “Ew! Aah! Ick!”
Everyone looked up, except Angel who just wasn’t paying attention. “It’s a total fallacy that vampires always bite during sex.”
“What is it, Xander?” Buffy asked.
“This one’s got me and Spike doing the dirty! Could there be a yuckier thing?”
Spike looked utterly revolted. “Bloody Hell!” he exclaimed. “As if I’d do you.”
Angel, being one-idea man, just prattled on. “I mean, even assuming the girl would just lie there and take it—”
“Which I most certainly would not,” Cordy interrupted.
“—think about it: sex, bite, sleep, bleed all over the pillow. That leads to hypovolemic shock, which is certainly not romantic. And in these stories, I don’t even have the courtesy to get her patched up afterward. Not to mention she’d need tetanus and rabies inoculations. Vampires’ mouths aren’t the cleanest, you know.”
“Hey, Buffy?” Tara asked. “Do you think Mr. Giles could have been gay? I see quite a few flashback stories here with someone called ‘Ethan Rayne’, does that ring a bell?”
Buffy and Xander visibly reacted, but said nothing. “Cordy, here’s another one with you and Angel,” Buffy spoke instead, trying to change the topic. “What’s with you always lecturing me about how rotten I treat him?”
Cordy scoffed. “Same thing that’s with me going all teary at nothing, I think. I don’t cry over anything short of brain-melting curses or a death in the family.” She pulled out another fic. “Oh, and on that topic, here’s an original one: me and Angel having comfort sex in the office after watching Doyle’s video. At least it’s not on the desk again.”
Angel looked over her shoulder. “But I’m biting again. What’s with that?”
Spike, meanwhile, had found a stack of fics starring himself, and was very pleased open seeing who he was being paired with. “Me with Buffy, me with Willow, Buffy again, Faith… ooh, nummies, Darla and Dru together.” He pocketed that fic before proceeding. “Me with Buffy, yet more fun with Buffy—see, other people think we’re possible, Summers.”
Buffy reacted by putting on her most innocent fake smile. “Yeah, and then there are the people who think you and Angelus make a cute couple.” She handed him the story.
Xander scowled. “Thanks so much for that mental image.”
But neither Angel or Spike seemed particularly fazed. Xander’s eyes quickly darted around between the two of them. “Don’t you two think that’s the epitome of badness?” he asked, to no success at all.
Faith's eyes twinkled. “Oh, I see what it is.”
Xander was getting desperate now. “Guys..? Help me out here?”
Finally, Angel and Spike briefly traded a look. Angel’s mouth corners raised just a tiny bit. Spike rolled his eyes, turning back to Xander.
“Please. As if I was ever after the poofter’s great hulking body,” he said flatly.
“Thank you,” Xander sighed. “A plausible denial is all I was after.”
Tara was quickly working through a number of fics, growing tired of reading the pairings. “All these men-on-men stories at Angel Investigations! Who even are all these people? Wesley, Fred, Gunn—”
Angel quickly jumped in, while still reading a fic himself. “Well, actually, Tara, Fred is a— Oh come on! I deny I always bite during sex. Even in my bad vamp days, I didn’t always.”
“No, just most of the time,” Spike deadpanned.
Xander’s eyes widened, Spike gave him a shit-eating grin as he enjoyed the man’s discomfort. “Or so Darla said,” he finally added.
Faith was also smirking like crazy at what she’d found. “Ha! Look here, it’s Buffy gettin’ hot ‘n heavy with G-Man!”
“What?! Lemme see!” Buffy snatched the story out of Faith’s hands, and darted her eyes over it. “Oh my God, that’s just disgusting!”
“What’s the matter, B? You never been hot for teacher before?”
“No! If I had to put Giles with anyone, it’d probably be Ms. Calendar or—”
“—your mom,” Tara finished for her.
“Huh?” Buffy turned to the other blonde in confusion.
“Oh, I-I meant, here’s a story with Giles and your mom.” Tara showed the fic.
“I don’t even wanna know,” Buffy sighed, returning to her own piles.
Spike had stumbled upon something else. “Oh, Cordelia, here’s one that’s got you and me shagging the night away. Want to try it out, love?”
“Bite me,” Cordy retorted.
“Tease,” Spike grumbled.
But Angel had found something for her too. “I’ll bite you. During sex-on-a-desk. Here’s another.”
“I’ve got a collection going,” Cordy said, “gimme that.”
Angel hesitated. “Uh, I really don’t think you want to see this one…”
“Oh, please. I’ve seen it all now.” She grabbed the fic from Angel, and looked it over. “I mean, what could this one possibly… Where are you biting me?!”
Tara hurried over to check it out. She winced upon reading the offending part. “Ouch! Yeah, that’s bad, you wouldn’t be able to walk for a week if he did that.”
Buffy smirked at her findings. “Angel, I got another ‘Curse? What curse?’ story here. Those’re kinda fun. What’s all this ‘lost day’ stuff, though?”
“Ah…” Angel slumped in his seat, refusing to answer.
Buffy continued to file through her fics. “Aaaaaand, another dumping Riley story. People don’t seem to get that I actually liked the guy, y’know?”
Faith rolled her eyes. “At least I don’t see him anywhere in fics with me. All I see is me with B, with Willow, with B, with Spike (nice!), 2 more with B… Wow, people really like seein’ 2 slayers gettin’ down and dirty!”
Buffy was unimpressed. “Come on, everyone knows I don’t swing that way.”
“You sure about that, Slayer?” Spike asked. “I got you and Tara right here!”
Tara blushed intensely. “Uhm, well, I-I think you and Faith could make a better couple.” Nobody saw her filing another fic with the Slayers away in her skirt pocket.
“You said, it T-Bear,” Faith grinned. She then picked up the next fic. “Oh wow girl, in this one you scored both me and B!”
“C-Can I see?” Tara asked, hoping to add it to her personal collection.
Even Spike looked hopeful. “Any Slayer threesomes with me?” Both Slayers gave him a disgusting look. “As if I care,” he backtracked. “I’ve got every woman on both shows.”
“I’ve got all the guys on both shows,” Cordelia said, “and great sex with me tames Angelus. Says so right here.” She wafted the fic in question.
But Angel looked the most exasperated. “I’ve got you both beat. I get all the women and most of the men on both shows.” The next fic he looked at made his eyes widen in horror. “Make that all the men. Xander, you really don’t want to see this one.” He flipped the page, and scowled at what he read. “And I do not bite during sex!”
FIN