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“Thank you for coming.”
Maya wasn’t sure if Carina had really given her a small smile or maybe she just wanted to believe that she did.
She was okay. She was physically okay. That was what was most important right now. But she knew that Carina wasn’t anywhere close to okay with what happened today. Would Carina even want her to be here when her shift ended? She told Warren that they were not not talking, and Maya had clung to that as some small, infinitesimally small amount of progress. But in this moment, not knowing if Carina even wanted her to be here, not knowing if she would be allowed to comfort Carina, not knowing if Carina would rather someone else, it wasn’t enough. If Maya was honest with herself, she wasn’t even sure that Carina wanted to work through this.
She hadn’t said I love you since … well, she just hadn’t. She wasn’t wearing her wedding ring. She still couldn’t figure out why she had come home that night. She had hoped that Carina wanted to see her, wanted to make sure she was okay … after all, it had been weeks since Carina walked away at the hospital. Maya desperately needed to believe that Carina still cared, but that’s not how it felt that night when she ripped into her. And she hadn’t expected Carina to be happy to see her when she brought the lasagna to the hospital. Maybe she had hoped for some thawing, but there had most definitely been no thaw. Instead, just more anger.
“You can’t just storm in here with lasagna, Maya. You can’t.”
Like it wasn’t hard enough showing up at the hospital after everything that happened, knowing people were looking at her, talking about her. Poor Dr. DeLuca and her mentally unstable, broken wife. Why doesn’t Dr. DeLuca just dump her crazy wife and get someone better, someone who deserves to be with perfect Dr. DeLuca? Maya knows she needs to stop this … she seems to spiral so much more these days, every time she thinks about Carina anyway.
The whole lasagna plan had blown up in her face. But was it really torture for Carina to see her? Was Carina really done? Yes, Carina had let her in finally, but would she have let her in if she hadn’t been so sick. Maya had to admit that she knew the answer to that was a resoundingly loud no. Carina had thanked her for coming. Maya had thought it was progress. But when she had told her that she was afraid to leave because she didn’t know when she would see her again, Carina really hadn’t told her when she would see her again, just that she would. But that could have just been on the next clinic day. And the truth was she hadn’t seen her again since that day in the hotel. So maybe Carina just said it to make Maya leave more easily thinking that they had made progress and she would see Carina again soon. Maybe Carina had meant no such thing.
Sitting here waiting for Carina with nothing to do probably wasn’t the best idea if she wanted to keep her thoughts from spiraling … but what else was there to think about …
Diane had made it very clear in therapy that she needed to accept and apologize for the actions that she was responsible for. She had told Diane at some point that she knew that it was all her fault, that she was a monster, that she was too broken to deserve anything good. But Diane insisted that she couldn’t do that. There was more than enough fault and blame to go around and she could not accept the fault and blame that belonged to the team at 19 and to Carina. But that was hard to do when the team, other than Ben, just tolerated her … and Carina wouldn’t talk to her …
Now they texted. Well, Maya texted and texted. Carina occasionally responded. It wasn’t enough. But what could she do? Carina had made it very clear that what Maya wanted or needed didn’t matter to her at all. The only person that mattered was Carina. And the few times she had seen Carina, she just seemed so pissed at Maya for showing up. She couldn’t shake the fear that Carina already knew what she wanted and that it wasn’t Maya. It’s not like Maya didn’t know she had messed up. She knew she had hurt Carina. But now she felt like she was battling all the years of damage her father had done by herself. She was so alone that it physically hurt to breath sometimes. Was it so wrong to want someone? Was it so wrong to need someone? She just wanted someone to notice her. To encourage her. To ask how she was doing. It hadn’t occurred to her how much she would miss human contact until it was truly gone. She knew she had missed it before the accident, but a part of her knew that it was still waiting at home if she could have gotten out of her head. But now that it was truly gone, she just needed someone to touch her, to squeeze her hand, to hug her, to wipe away her tears. She knew it wasn’t someone that she wanted; she knew that someone was Carina. And that she wanted to be the one to hold her and wipe away her tears after a day like this. But she couldn’t and she wasn’t sure she would ever be that person for Carina again.
Was it too late? Because she wasn’t sure that thank you for coming was progress now that Carina had used it again. Bailey and Ben had already reunited, and she was still waiting. What if Carina had already gone back to the hotel? What if Carina had not wanted to see her so she snuck out of the hospital and left Maya waiting here. Which somehow seemed a fitting metaphor for their relationship.
Was she being selfish? She wanted to be better, to feel like herself again. She wanted Carina to want that. She wanted to fix their relationship, but maybe Carina didn’t. If they didn’t talk, they couldn’t fix anything. Maybe that’s what Carina wanted. Maybe she really didn’t notice how hard Maya was trying. Maybe Carina didn’t care anymore. Carina hadn’t wanted to get married. She hadn’t wanted to be tied to someone just because of a piece of paper. She hadn’t wanted to be stuck with someone so broken.
“I’m not in the habit of fixing broken people.”
Maya had been thinking about that a lot lately. Maybe she was being selfish for wanting Carina to stay, for trying to make Carina talk to her, for not letting Carina go find someone better. That wouldn’t be very hard. But maybe Carina was just building up the courage to finally end it. Maybe she just wanted Maya to be a little better so she wouldn’t feel guilty.
Maybe Maya needed to get out of her head; otherwise, she might go crazy. Well, crazier than she already was. She had to laugh at the thought that Diane would not be happy with her for calling herself crazy. But then again, laughing to herself while sitting in one of the hospital’s waiting rooms didn’t really prove she wasn’t.
Maybe she should just close her eyes for a minute. It had been a long day. And in her dreams Carina still loved her and talked to her and touched her.
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Finally, this nightmare of a day was over. It was awful, but Carina knows that it could have been worse. Addison was bruised but not broken. Tia and Connor were alive, and everything looked promising for their recovery. The rest of her day had been busy, but all her patients were alive and healthy. And now there was nothing to distract her from the one thing she hadn’t allowed herself to think about all day … Maya.
Carina knew that she was being unfair to Maya. She knew that Maya had made so many of those choices and said so many of those hurtful things because of a childhood of abuse, because of a confluence of events, Maya’s choices and other people’s words and actions, that had led all those terrible coping mechanisms and walls to win and push Maya to do and say things she would never have otherwise done or said. She knew that Maya was trying so hard to take control of her life again and recover from a mental health crisis that was not entirely Maya’s fault. She knew that she had said and done things that made Maya worse, things she would give anything to be able to take back. Those words Carina screamed at her on that roof gave her just as many nightmares as Maya screaming for her to come back when she walked out of that hospital room. She knew that Andy, Vic, and Travis had abandoned Maya. She knew that Ross, Beckett, and Sullivan had abused Maya or allowed her to be abused for months. She feared that Maya still didn’t have any support at 19. Carina had always hated that Maya saw Andy as her best friend. Because with Andy as a best friend, who needs enemies?
Carina knew all of this. So why couldn’t she give Maya anything? Why had she allowed her fear to control her? Why had she allowed her anger to control her? Carina knew that she had never walked away from Andrea. She knew that Maya needed support. She knew how hard it was to do what she was doing alone. She knew how much she hurt Maya every time she walked away, and she knew she had walked away so many times over the past several months.
She knew that she could not put all the blame on Maya. She knew that she had to do something and do it soon. She knew she had been cruel that night in their home. She had been so angry … maybe because being angry at Maya, at herself, at the world was so much easier than feeling anything else. Maya had looked so broken, so scared, and Carina couldn’t even bring herself to say I love you too even if I need more time. It was the truth. She never stopped loving Maya, but instead she had ignored Maya. She had taken a few shots at Maya and walked out that door again. While she knew that she had every right to be hurt, and the fear was not unjustified, she did not like the fact that she had been cruel.
She had been horrible when Maya walked into that hotel room. She was glad that she hadn’t seen Maya’s face when she told her it was torture to see her and that they were done. That would have been too hard, too much guilt if she had seen those harsh words land and seen the pain in those eyes that she knew she would always love.
“Thank you for coming.”
What the hell was that? I mean it worked in the hotel bathroom between bouts of vomiting. It didn’t really work today in the hospital to a clearly scared Maya. Carina’s not sure what would have been better in that moment. She knew she couldn’t stop. She knew she couldn’t let Maya in and do her job after everything that happened. Bailey could. She had always been amazed at Bailey’s ability to turn doctor mode on and off. She could be in the moment with Ben or Pru and then in surgery the next. Carina couldn’t do that. Probably never would.
But she had ignored Maya’s question. She had talked about her patient, who still had hours to go before she was fully dilated. She couldn’t stay, but … “Thank you for coming.” When did that become the only pleasant thing she could say to her wife? Thank you for coming … to my medical case study presentation … to my guest lecture … to the hospital dirty and sweaty to make sure that your wife wasn’t hurt by screaming protestors who throw bricks and run people down with their cars ... Carina just wanted to scream, but of course, that made her think of Maya too.
Now that this day was finally over, she knew she needed to find Maya. She knew that Maya hadn’t left. She just knew. She knew that the Maya she had known for those awful six months wasn’t Maya. Not the Maya who had become a firefighter and risked her life every day to save other peoples’ lives. Not the Maya who was there for her friends even when they weren’t there for her. Not the Maya who sobbed believing that she was the truck that destroyed her family. Not the Maya who risked her career to try to save her and Andrea. Not the Maya who blew up her career to save one young boy. Not the Maya who chose her. Not the Maya who wanted a little version of Carina to count her blessings on. So, she knew that Maya was still here.
Carina knew that she had pushed Maya. Pushed her too hard, too often. Carina pushed because it was her way of showing that she cared. Because she had had so many people in her life that needed to be pushed. But deep down she knew that Maya never responded well to that. Her walls went up, her fear of losing control becoming almost palpable. But Carina kept pushing and Maya pushed back and then suddenly Carina had done what had terrified Maya that night. Maya lost every vestige of control over her body in that hospital room and over her mind with the sedation.
Carina knew that Maya needed to stay in the hospital that night. She knew medically that had Maya left the consequences could have been something that Carina would not have been able to survive. Carina couldn’t bury anyone else, especially Maya. But Carina also knew that at rock bottom filled with a lifetime of fear that Maya hadn’t meant that they were over. Carina knew that she had chosen to walk away … again.
Carina knew that Maya had been alone in that apartment for weeks. And she knew how lucky and thankful she was that Maya had chosen to be angry because if she hadn’t … well, Carina really didn’t want to think about that.
Carina knew that Maya was working hard to deal with all those years of abuse. Those unhealthy coping mechanisms that had helped protect her, had helped her survive. But now Maya didn’t need them. She knew that when Maya finally dealt with those demons that she wouldn’t be a new person … she would be the Maya she had always been behind the walls … the Maya that Carina had been allowed to see … the Maya that Carina had fallen in love with … the Maya that Carina still loved … the Maya that Carina would always love.
Carina knew that she couldn’t keep making Maya do all the work. She wanted to work with Maya not against her. She wanted to get her wife back, her life back. She just needed to take a leap of faith. She had asked Diane if she was signing up for more pain, and Carina knew that that too was unfair to Maya. There would always be pain. Life was full of pain. The question was whether Maya and their happiness was worth the risk of pain. And even though she was terrified, even though she knew that they both had a lot of work to do, Carina knew that Maya … her Maya … was worth it.
Sitting at her desk, Carina knew that she had made her decision. She reached into her bag and pulled out a worn copy of The Little Prince. One night, while discussing books that they wanted to read to the Deluca-Bishop children, Carina had mentioned her love for The Little Prince. It had surprised her, but probably shouldn’t have, that Maya loved the book too. Given her complicated affection for clouds, it made sense that Maya had fallen in love with a little prince who lived among the clouds.
Carina opened the book to the lines she needed to read one more time, and she turned to the first of two earmarked pages.
“If you tame me, then we shall need each other. To me, you will be unique in all the world. To you, I shall be unique in all the world … You become responsible, forever, for what you have tamed.”
She would show Maya that she wasn’t fighting this battle alone. That it might take some time and some hard work on both their parts, but Carina was all in.
Then she turned to the second earmarked page.
“One runs the risk of weeping a little, if one allows himself to be tamed …”
Loving Maya would always come with risk. She had shed more than her fair share of tears lately. They both had. But maybe, it was time for the universe to give them a break.
She placed the book back in her bag and collected her belongings. She needed to find Maya. They needed to talk, not tonight, but tomorrow. They needed to do this together. Carina knew that more tears would be shed by them both, more apologies that they both needed to give and to receive, more trust to be rebuilt on both sides and more work that they both needed to do. But Carina was certain, more certain than she had been this morning, before she had been reminded just how fragile and yet resilient life could be, that this was a fight that she and Maya would win … together.