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Of course, Maya wanted Carina to come home. She still hoped, perhaps unwisely. Diane had warned her that she needed to focus on what she could control and work on, not the words and actions of other people.
She couldn’t control the fact that her team had not supported her and still wasn’t supporting her. Except Ben. At this point, that seemed to be the only person she could count on other than Diane. She couldn’t control the fact that Ross had misjudged her and enjoyed destroying her. She couldn’t control that Ross acted as if none of the rules or protocols applied to her … or apparently, to Andy.
She couldn’t control the shit show that had become her career or workplace. She could only control her thoughts and actions, how she responded to all the negatives that came with Station 19.
She couldn’t control the fact that Carina seemed determined to yell cruel words at her. She couldn’t control the fact that Vic had traded her in for the newer, better model that was Carina. She couldn’t control that Carina kept telling her that she wanted time and space. Except there was no way to ever fix anything if they didn’t talk. She couldn’t keep giving her food poisoning to make Carina be kind and let Maya in, even just a little. She couldn’t make Carina talk to her. She could only control her words, her actions, her reactions, and try to stop the spiraling thoughts that came to the forefront every time Carina couldn’t say I love you or I miss you or I want to know how therapy is going or I see you are doing better or …
She knew that she would never say no to Carina, that Carina could ask anything of her, and her answer would be yes. No matter what it did to her slowly recovering psyche. If Carina would let Maya give her any comfort after this terrible day, then she was going to be there. So, Maya would wait. She would deal with the consequences when Carina walked out the door … again.
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Maya was so lost in her thoughts that she didn’t see Carina coming towards her, which gave Carina a chance to look at Maya, really look at her. She was dirty and sweaty and in her uniform, so she had been at work. She clearly had not gone back at any point after Carina had seen her in the hallway. Carina wasn’t sure what to make of that. She really wasn’t sure what to make of Maya.
She also wasn’t sure what to make of herself. She knew that she loved Maya. She knew that she would always love her. She knew that her fear was real, and she would probably need some help to get past the fear that her Maya, the real Maya, would disappear again. She knew that they would need couples counseling to work out some of these issues that needed to be addressed not buried.
No matter how in touch with her feelings Maya would get, she would always need time to process things before she would open up. And Carina would always want to rush into these conversations and get her feelings out. Maya would probably always struggle with her own self-worth, and Carina knew she had done a terrible job of showing Maya just how worthy of love and happiness she was. And Carina pushed, always had, probably always would to some extent. Maya would always struggle with being pushed. If Maya was working on recognizing and desensitizing some of her triggers, then Carina needed to work on her own actions that had triggered Maya. But the biggest hurdle was the pain that they had caused each other. She needed to get that out and to be heard, and she knew that Maya did too.
What she couldn’t come to terms with or fully explain was her anger. Yes, she had wanted Maya to get help for a while. But she knew mental health issues often made that a struggle to accept, especially the first time. She also knew enough about Lane Bishop and Maya’s childhood to have a pretty good idea of the depths of the pain and trauma Maya had been under. So why did she snap every time she saw Maya now? At their apartment after having not seen her for weeks. At the hospital. At the hotel. She needed to figure this out and deal with it. Maybe she needed to see someone soon because snapping and being harsh wasn’t going to help Maya or their relationship and she still very much wanted to fix it.
Maybe tonight was the night that they took the first positive step forward together because Carina knew that after today, she wanted her home, and she wanted Maya.
“Maya.”
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Maya looked up, surprised that she had been so caught up in her own thoughts that she hadn’t heard Carina approach. Maya stumbled a bit rushing to her feet. Looking good, Bishop. But at least, she thought she saw a small smile on Carina’s face at her less than graceful moves. That was something.
“Carina. Hi. I’m glad you are okay … well, not really okay okay … but okay, you know.” Dammit, when did talking to her wife get so hard. “I just needed to make sure that you were okay …” Shit, how many times was she going to say okay. Was she trying to break some record? “… or if you needed anything. Anything at all. Though you probably had Dr. Altman or Dr. Shepherd or Dr. Wilson or Dr. Bailey for that.” It felt weird calling them all by their last names, but after everything that happened the last time she was here … and knowing that she and Carina were definitely not okay, she wasn’t their friend … she was the wife of their friend and colleague. And if she might not be Carina’s wife for much longer, then she sure the hell wouldn’t assume to be on a first name basis with anyone at Grey Sloan. “So, I guess the only thing that I could offer is the apartment. You can have it for tonight or longer if you don’t want to go back to the hotel. I can stay at the hotel … or the station … or hell, I’m sure I could find somewhere else to stay.” She wasn’t actually sure about that. The team had all crashed with her many times over the years, but no one was really talking to her much. They were cordial colleagues not friends, so she wasn’t sure she could stay with either Andy or Vic … and she sure the hell wasn’t asking Ben. She couldn’t crash with Bailey! “And … well … I guess … that’s it.”
Maya just stood there. She really had nothing left to add, nothing that Carina wanted to hear right now, maybe ever, but especially not now.
Carina had watched that ramble … in both amusement and sadness. Rambling Maya was adorable. She was always so confident professionally. It was what most people saw. But the lucky few who got past the walls got to see a different Maya … a less confident Maya, a more human Maya. But Carina couldn’t ignore the fact that this was different too. Maya’s eyes were alive again, but she saw so much nervousness and fear. And Carina knew that she hated the fact that Maya looked at her with fear in her eyes … that Maya was afraid of her, afraid of her reaction, afraid of the harsh words, afraid that Carina would never come home, afraid of being alone.
Carina wasn’t really certain what she wanted to do. That was a lie. She wanted Maya. She wanted their life so desperately. She hated how afraid she was to just let her back in. But she needed to do something because now that Maya’s eyes held life and light, she could see everything. She saw the love and hope, but she also saw the fear and the hurt and the guilt and the shame and the despair. She knew that those were things she never wanted to see in Maya’s eyes, but Carina was frozen. She needed to do something. She was watching Maya crumble in front of her.
It felt like hours that they had been standing there. Carina hadn’t said anything, and Maya was pretty sure she’d screwed up … again. There was a part of her that wanted to hold on to hope, but another part of her just wanted Carina to rip off the band aid and tell her that they were done. Put her out of her misery. Put down the lame horse … ha, lame horse lame runner … seemed fitting.
“Maya, it’s been a long day. I’m just going to go back to the hotel.”
Maya tried to still her hands and looked down at the floor, suddenly fascinated by her shoes and the cave dirt that was still stuck to them. With the little bit of courage she had left, she needed to end this.
“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t be here … I thought …” Carina watched Maya still and take a deep breath before continuing. “I am sorry for intruding and staying. I am so happy that you are okay, alive. I … I’m going to go. Please take care of yourself, Carina, and be safe.”
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With a small smile and nod of her head, Maya turned and walked away. And Carina watched. But watching Maya walk away with her head down and shoulders slumped did something that no text or rambling monologue could. Maya looked small. Maya looked defeated. And her Maya was not small. Her Maya was strong and mighty, a force of nature who always seemed bigger and taller than she was. Maya needed and wanted her, and Carina knew that she needed and wanted to help Maya be that person again, not be one more person that proved Lane Bishop right by walking away and letting Maya fight this battle alone.
With a determined step, more determined than she had felt in months, Carina hurried after her wife. But when she got to the parking lot, she didn’t see Maya or her car. Shit, how did she let her get that far ahead? Should she just talk to her later? No, she needed to talk to Maya now. She couldn’t let her sit with that rejection and sadness. It was probably time that she went back to the apartment, that kinder words were said in their home.
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Maybe she should call Diane. Wasn’t that the funniest thing? Maya “asking for help is weak” Bishop practically had her therapist on speed dial. But Maya knew what she would say? She can’t control Carina. She can’t control whether Carina will forgive her. She can’t control whether her marriage was over. Maya could only control her actions, her words, her thoughts, her reactions.
She slipped into the station. She knew her shift was over, but she didn’t want to risk seeing anyone, especially not Ross. And for once in the past 2 years, Maya felt like luck was on her side. She got in and out of the locker room, grabbed her bag and her keys, and slipped out with no one any the wiser. Now, she needed to head home, but it hadn’t really felt like home in months. Not like she had anywhere else to go.
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It took no time at all to get back to their home … if it was still that … Carina sat in her car for some time … trying to build up the strength to push down her fear and anger … she would have to address those later. Carina saw Maya head towards the apartment. How did she beat Maya home? And yes, it was still home. It had to be, but for that to be true she needed to have a real conversation with Maya.
Maya heard the knock but couldn’t even begin to guess who was at her door. No one came. The only people who had come to her home in months other than the delivery people were Diane once and Carina once … and she hadn’t ordered any food and it’s not like Diane or Carina would just stop by.
When Maya opened the door, her heart just stopped … why was Carina here? It couldn’t be good. She messed up again. How had showing up and staying at the hospital been that bad? Shit, no … no … no! She couldn’t be here for that. She needed more time. Maybe, Carina would have pity on her and not tell her today … give her a little more time before ending them.
“Carina. I know I messed up coming and staying. I messed up everything. I hurt you, and I’m sorry. I know you have probably already decided what to do, and if what is best for you is to not be with me, I won’t blame you but please, Carina, please. Can you just not tell me right now?”
Maya got it all out in one breath, definitely not a Maya ramble this time. And Carina could see the tears and the sadness in those beautiful blue eyes. Carina surged forward and, for the first time in months, wrapped Maya up in her arms. Maya stiffened for a moment before melting into Carina, and Carina hated that Maya had stiffened first. There was so much damage to undo on both sides. But for right now, all Carina wanted was to hold on to Maya while she held on to her and let both unburden themselves of some of the pain and sorrow.
Neither had any idea how long they clung to each other. They both knew that it felt easier to breathe together than it had felt apart.
Maya didn’t have any idea what was happening. She wanted to believe that this was a good thing, but she couldn’t rid herself of the thought that Carina was just trying to lessen the blow. She tried to pull herself together, to try to get the words out that she knew she needed an answer to.
“Carina … I’m sorry … I think I pressured you, and I said I wouldn’t. I know I keep saying it, but it doesn’t mean that it’s not true. I really am-”
“Maya, stop. Do not apologize to me again.”
At those words, Maya’s eyes dropped, and she tried to pull away from Carina. Carina could see the tears and knew that she needed Maya to listen, to look at her and see the truth. Carina held on. She needed Maya to really hear her, to believe what she was about to say.
“Maya, I need you to look at me. And I need you to listen. Ok?”
Carina waited until Maya looked up, met her eyes, and nodded.
“Today was something I never imagined living through. Knowing the changes happening in this country did not, could not prepare me for today. It is not that I don’t want to talk to you about everything that happened, I just need to say this first. When Addison and Tia were hit, I had to push everything else aside. I had to be a doctor, as you must be a first responder. But I couldn’t shake the thought that it so easily could have been me. When I saw how scared you were, I realized how horrible I would have felt if something had happened to me today, and I left you with the belief that I hated you.”
Carina took a moment and looked at Maya, looking into those blue eyes. With tears in her eyes, Maya nodded.
“Maya, I could never hate you. Never. You hurt me, more than I thought possible. You scared me. But I was never scared of you, I was scared for you, for us. But I know that I have hurt you too.”
Carina saw Maya about to argue with her, and she stopped her with a look and a carefully arched eyebrow. And with tears running down her face, Maya nodded again.
“Bambina, we have both said things, cruel things. There are words that neither of us can take back. We have both hurt and been hurt. We have both pushed the other away. You pushed me away with words and by staying away. And I walked away from you so many times, too many times.”
Carina could see that Maya was listening. With an intensity that was so Maya. With a hopefulness that almost took her breath away. Carina wanted nothing more than to take the comfort Maya was so ready to give her, to let Maya’s mere presence make this day a little less awful, to let Maya make her feel safe again. And if Carina was honest with herself, she had thought about doing just that. Taking the comfort and safety that Maya would have freely given to her without having any conversation. But that would have been selfish and cruel to take the comfort she needed without giving any in return. And Carina was tired of being angry and selfish and cruel.
Maya had been doing all the work, and it was time, past time, that Carina went to work too.
“I am done walking away from you, from us. We are not fixed, but it is time that I made it clear to you where I stand. I love you. I want you; I want us. Now, this day has been awful, and I want to feel safe which means I need to sleep in my home in my bed …” Carina paused to make sure those blue eyes were ready to see the truth. “…with my wife. Do you think that is something we can do?”
And for the first time in what felt like months, Maya smiled. A smile that seemed to consume her entire face. A smile that finally reached her eyes. And Carina couldn’t help but smile back. Because those were the warm blue eyes that she had fallen in love with, that held all her happiness, that would always make her feel special and loved.
They both knew that there was hurt and pain and fear to be worked through and trust to be rebuilt on both sides, but for tonight there was safety and comfort and love. And for tonight, that was enough.