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There are good days and bad days. Tanjiro has known this all his life. His mother used to tell him that the only solution to a particularly bad day is to go to sleep and try to make the next one better. So that's what he’s been doing. That's what he's been trying to do for weeks.
But it doesn't seem to have any effect.
He was grateful, he really was. His sister and his best friends survived the last battle, and that's more than many could say. They are happy, or at least they try to be. The evil demons are extinguished, the wounds are healing. There is no reason for him to feel this way as if there is an invisible, grey veil that separates him from the rest of the world. But — well.
It all started with nightmares. They were always the same: his family torn to pieces in the snow, including Nezuko; bodies full of blood; cries of anguish that echoed through the forest. At first, the feeling of vertigo was cured by seeing his sister sleeping peacefully a few steps away, however, over time the pain overcame it and Tanjiro preferred not to sleep, or to sleep less. He was relieved to know that his loved ones were in a better place, that with Muzan's defeat, they were finally resting in peace. He didn't understand why he couldn't be at peace too. It felt like he was failing everybody.
That led Tanjiro to the second stage: burnout.
Being half blind and having a non-functional arm, you can't afford to be tired. Carrying a laundry basket weighs twice as much, or fishing in the river can take hours. Tanjiro wasn't used to being… useless. He had no problem with people considering him weak, he didn't think it was an insult; being seen as a wimp saved him on more than one occasion.
Being useless, on the other hand, is like a stab in the side.
Since he was little, he was the one who helped his parents with his siblings, who collected firewood and who went to town if they needed something. As a hunter of demons, Tanjiro always helped even in the most basic things , like cleaning or ordering. That is why it is inevitable for him not to cringe when Inosuke has caught three times more fish than him, or when Nezuko prevents him from cooking because he has cut herself several times, or when he drops the broom because he has no strength and Zenitsu offers to sweep in his place. Tanjiro doesn't blame them. They want to take the burden off his shoulders and help him, but compassion is becoming more unbearable every day.
It is for that reason that he decided to isolate himself.
It didn't feel right doing it. In fact, he felt worse. What happened is that he simply didn’t have any idea how to deal with what he was feeling, and he didn't want to explode with those who didn't deserve it; much less did he want to be a burden.
His friends didn't notice, and that was a relief. Otherwise, when Kanao wrote to Nezuko inviting her to stay with her for a few days, his sister would’ve refused to keep him company... and Tanjiro would never have forgiven himself for that. Luckily he always knew how to put a good face on bad weather, and a couple of days after Kanao's letter arrived, Nezuko and Zenitsu had their things packed and ready to leave.
"I must accompany her!" Zenitsu had shouted when he heard about the invitation. “I have to make sure she's safe!”
Tanjiro gently tried to tell him that the invitation was not extended to him, but his sister intervened, saying that she preferred to travel with Zenitsu at her side. After writing back to Butterfly Mansion to get permission to take him, they both decided they would leave as soon as possible.
"Are you sure you'll be okay?" Nezuko asked with usual concern the morning they were leaving. It was the third time in his life that they would be apart for more than a week.
"Why wouldn't I be?" he said, smiling. “Go! See you in a few days.”
Nezuko smiled back at him. In truth, she seemed excited, not only to go but also to spend more time with Zenitsu. Apparently, the outrageous confession was paying off. Zenitsu was lucky Nezuko thought he was cute, or he wouldn't have a chance with her.
"Are you sure you don't want to come with us, Inosuke?" his sister said gently.
"I can't," he replied. “I have to take care of the mountain!”
It had already been more than six months since the last battle, and their relationship was growing with each moment. Inosuke followed Nezuko everywhere; they talked about things that Tanjiro doubted he knew, and sometimes they laughed non-stop. He had learned to accept it and view their relationship with fondness instead of jealousy, which was the initial reaction to their closeness. Not because he thought there was anything romantic, far from it, but because he was used to him being Inosuke's only confidant. But… well, it had already been shown that the boy's heart was too big to house only him.
Due to this friendship, it was strange that Inosuke didn’t want to accompany them to Butterfly Mansion, considering that Nezuko even thought of switching Zenitsu if he wanted to go, however, Inosuke refused. Tanjiro knew why.
Shinobu's death was a wound that wouldn't heal, and it would be too painful to go to the place where she used to live.
"Okay, yeah, yeah, bye. Come on Nezuko.” Zenitsu took her shoulders to guide her away, and she strangely didn't protest. A few steps further, he turned around and looked at Inosuke as he added under his breath, "My dear wife…”
Inosuke tilted his head without understanding.
"Bye, Zenitsu," Tanjiro said, still nodding. “Goodbye Nezuko.”
Neither of them moved, watching their family disappear into the woods with each step. Tanjiro felt himself deflate as if that single interaction and contentment had drained all his energy from the day.
"Thank you for staying with me, Inosuke," he murmured, turning to look at the boy.
Tanjiro couldn't see his face because of the mask, but he was able to smell him. The aroma that Inosuke gave off now was identical to that of all those times when Tanjiro filled him with flattery. A sweet, heady scent that he never wanted to stop appreciating. Sometimes he felt like he was addicted to making Inosuke feel that nice way; that's why he was constantly celebrating his actions.
"Don't look at me like that, Gonpachiro!" Inosuke yelled pointing at him. “I have to take care of the mountain because I am the strongest warrior in the world! That's why I stayed, not because of you!”
Inosuke turned around and strode across the courtyard to get away from him. Tanjiro looked, and couldn't help but laugh. Not because of him; never because of him. He was laughing because he was happy, because he truly appreciated that Inosuke stayed with him.
Because being with Inosuke always helped him be better.
Nights were never lenient with Tanjiro, and this one was clearly no exception. He had nightmare after nightmare, to the point of waiting for the sun to rise over the horizon to be able to fall asleep. Inosuke didn't feel his distress — he was the heaviest sleeper Tanjiro had ever known — so he wasn't supposed to notice anything strange the next morning.
Or so Tanjiro thought, but when he woke up several hours after sunrise, there was a smell of food and it was obvious that Inosuke hadn't woken him up for them to go fishing.
"Stupid roll of — no, argh —" Inosuke's exclamations became louder as he approached the kitchen. "Yuck. And the salt...? Tontaro, you scared me!"
Tanjiro was standing in the kitchen doorway, looking around. There was a broken bowl, spices all over the place, and fish dangling from god-knew-where. It was, literally, a disaster. Nezuko would've said it resembled a crime scene, and if he was honest, with Inosuke standing in the middle of the room without his mask and his face smeared with condiments... the comparison was apt.
"What are you doing?" Tanjiro asked, still looking at the chaos in the kitchen.
"What does it look like I'm doing?" Inosuke replied grumpily.
"Did you go fishing... alone?"
"I tried to wake you up, but you were unconscious so I went alone. I thought the smell of a meal would revive you or something."
Tanjiro genuinely didn't know whether to feel bad or grateful. "Do you need help?"
"I can alone, go away! Or do you want to fight me?!"
Tanjiro raised his hands and sat up, looking at Inosuke. At least now he knew Inosuke wasn't declining his help because he thought he was weak. Or so he wanted to believe.
"That should go in the pan..." Tanjiro said when Inosuke wanted to put a mixture in the oven. He grunted but listened to him.
After about half an hour, when the acceptable time to eat had passed, Inosuke served him the super preparation. He finally settled on cooking an ordinary soup that didn't look or taste that good, but Tanjiro was going to eat it anyway because Inosuke did it.
"Thank you, Inosuke."
"Eat."
And as if he had nothing better to do, he leaned forward to make sure Tanjiro complied. He smiled at him.
They ate in silence. Outside the song of the birds filled the meadow, and the sun hit the roof squarely. For the first time since that fateful day his family was killed, Tanjiro felt like he was home. A house created with effort, love and sweat, and he couldn't be happier that the people he loved the most in the world lived in it.
Inosuke wolfed down three bowls of soup without blinking. He, on the other hand, could barely finish one. Although he felt full and — content. He didn't entirely like that Inosuke hadn't woken him up, but that didn't take away the merit of making a meal to please him.
As Tanjiro started to clear the table and they still hadn't said a word to each other, he felt a pang of longing for his sister and Zenitsu. Not because Inosuke's company wasn't enough, but out of force of habit. Their presence was evident, and even Inosuke had a better time with Nezuko by his side. Tanjiro didn't want to think about what would become of them once Zenitsu and his sister decided to get married and leave.
"The house feels lonely, don't you think?" Tanjiro asked as he washed the dishes.
"How is it going to feel alone if you and I are here?" Inosuke said, and when Tanjiro turned to look at him, he was scratching his head.
He stopped his activities for a moment to detail Inosuke better. His hair glowed in the sun that streamed in through the window, like live coal. The green eyes were full of curiosity, of that unusual fierceness they acquired when they looked at him. Something inside his chest twisted painfully, and Tanjiro fought back the urge to reach out to him and just… touch him.
Inosuke's words had no hidden meaning, but they struck him just the same. Maybe if they were together they would never feel alone, not really.
"You're right, Inosuke," he said, giving him another big smile. "I hope Nezuko and Zenitsu have arrived safely."
Inosuke looked outside and put on his mask, as if he was in deep thought.
"Monitsu better protect Nezuko now that she's his wife, or…"
"They're not husbands!" Tanjiro exclaimed immediately, horrified. Yes, he had thought that Nezuko and Zenitsu would get married one day, but there was the key: some day .
"Mmhm? But Konitsu said…!"
"He's not being serious," Tanjiro hastened to correct. "I hope so…"
"But he loves her! Why don't they get married?"
"Well, Nezuko has to agree to the marriage in the first place..."
"But she loves him too!"
"Okay, yes. But she has to feel another kind of affection."
Inosuke straightened up as if he'd been hit with a stick and looked after Tanjiro, who went to sit next to him after finishing washing the dishes.
"Huh?"
"You already know. There is family love, friendship love —"
"Yeah, yeah. Shinobu taught me."
Tanjiro paused. Inosuke had never got her name wrong and used to mention Shinobu in such a casual way that anyone would think it didn't hurt to think of her, but that wasn't true. Tanjiro knew him well enough to know that.
"Well, then you know that Nezuko needs to feel romantic love for Zenitsu to marry him," he said.
Although this seemed like new knowledge to Inosuke, he raised a fist and shouted, "Of course I know! What kind of stupid you think I am?!"
"I don't think you're stupid, Inosuke."
That simple sentence appeased the boy's attempt to fight, who settled back and looked outside. With Nezuko's presence, Inosuke had become somewhat calmer — Well, no, that wasn't exactly the word. Tanjiro didn't think Inosuke could ever be still, (but he liked it that way). Rather, what was happening is that he directed his energy to help with the housework and her instead of fighting. It had been a good few weeks since he had fought Tanjiro.
"How can you distinguish between the friendship love and the…?" Inosuke began to say, unable to finish the sentence.
"Romantic one?" Tanjiro said for him. "Well… When you are in love you feel something strange in your stomach when you see that special person. I don't know how to describe it. It's something strong, right there —"
"Ah! You mean like bam, boom, pam! No?"
"YEAH! And you always want to be with that person, you want to take care of them, protect them, and make them happy. Their happiness is yours."
Tanjiro nodded enthusiastically, as if that would reaffirm his point. Inosuke cocked his head.
"Weird. Am I in love with all of you?"
"What? No!" Tanjiro laughed a little tenderly at what Inosuke was implying. "No, Inosuke. When you're in love with someone you want to hug them all the time, and kiss them —"
"Kiss them?"
"It's… It's like a mouth fight —"
"Fight of mouths? I have to be the best! How did you not tell me before that it existed, Monjiro? Come here, let's fight!"
And before Tanjiro could find something rational to say, Inosuke was on top of him, trying to kiss him with his mask on. Tanjiro complained about the headbutting.
"No, Inosuke! It's without the mask!" Tanjiro turned his face, pushing Inosuke back. "And you only have to do a mouth fight when you're in love with someone!"
"But I'm in love with you!"
"What?!"
"Fight me, Tanjiro!"
Tanjiro managed to wriggle out of Inosuke's grasp and stood up, breathing heavily. He could feel his face red and his pulse going unfairly fast. What had he just heard? He was about to let out laugh after laugh to get rid of the adrenaline that was nesting in his blood. It couldn't be true, no matter how much he wished it were.
And even so —
It was impossible to think straight; in his ears, the spoken words resounded without stopping.
"I'm going for a walk," he announced. He was embarrassed, and thinking about how badly Inosuke had understood his explanation about love filled him with sadness as well.
"Let's fight!"
"I don't want to fight you, Inosuke," Tanjiro said, not without gentleness, and tried to smile at him.
But this was the problem: when he said he didn't think Inosuke was stupid, he was telling the truth. Maybe he didn't understand many of the concepts that the average person should know, but Inosuke understood a lot of other things. Things that made him — and always have — set him apart from the rest.
Inosuke told him several times that he knew perfectly the forest where he grew up. He knew for certain the water level of the clearings, the number of trees, and the types of plants that grew on the ground. Like the looks on the skin, Inosuke could feel the threats to his home from miles away. He immediately detected the felled trees, the slaughtered animals and the sectors where the forest bled.
Now, Tanjiro felt like that forest.
As he got up and walked towards the door, it was as if each one of his veins turned into a branch, the blood into rivers, his heartbeat into pebbles, and Inosuke could see the exact place where something was missing. It was like he could perceive the place where everything bad converged and spilled out. Tanjiro tried to ignore it, though with each step he felt more vulnerable than before.
It's not that he was rejecting Inosuke, quite the contrary: he would like his feelings to be sincere and not the product of a misunderstanding. Tanjiro didn't know how long he had felt differently towards his friend, but he had never thought much about it, much less acted on his emotions. He also didn't ignore the way his chest contracted when he saw him run, or how his mouth went dry after Inosuke decided to spend a long time without his mask, he just accepted it. He loved Nezuko, Zenitsu and Inosuke in the same amount, it's just that sometimes he wanted to kiss the latter and that's it. It was the only difference.
Also, if Inosuke fell in love with someone it would obviously be a strong person who could match or even surpass him in all areas. Tanjiro had barely been able to carry the dishes to the sink a while ago. They were good as friends, really. In a while, he was going to go back inside and try to explain things to him and everything would be better.
Tanjiro sat on the grass for several minutes, until his heart finally settled. He was looking in the direction of the forest while meditating.
It wasn't long before a weight settled on his head.
Literally a weight.
In his head.
"What…?"
"Stupid Kentaro, if you felt bad you should've told me!" Inosuke yelled at him and Tanjiro understood that the weight was the wild boar mask. He observed it through it as best he could, because, in addition to the fact that his vision was limited, the space for his eyes was tiny.
"I feel fine!"
"You're lying! Your face is doing that thing!"
"You can't even see me!"
"I can feel it!"
Tanjiro raised the mask to continue yelling at him, but Inosuke stopped him.
"Don't take it off."
"Why?"
"You feel bad. This will help you feel better."
"How is this supposed to help me…?" Tanjiro asked though he put the mask back on without hesitation.
“You are wearing the mask of the world's strongest warrior. Now you are the strongest warrior in the world."
"I thought that was you."
"No, now it's you." Inosuke didn't look happy about that. "For a few days, you can use that name."
"For a few days?"
"Until you feel better."
There was a silence between them. Tanjiro looked away. It was hot in there, but he liked it. It made him feel closer to Inosuke no matter how stupid it sounded to say it out loud.
"What if I never feel better?" he murmured after a few seconds.
"Argggh. Okay! Then you can use it forever!" Inosuke kicked the air in frustration, though he quickly grabbed Tanjiro's shoulders to shake him. "Wait, but you're going to feel better!"
Tanjiro refused to look at him. "I don't know, Inosuke."
"But you're Monjiro Kamaboko! You always get better!" To prove it, he punched Tanjiro in the bad arm. "Your arm has regenerated!"
"It's an arm that's useless."
Inosuke seemed torn between yelling at him or trying something else to cheer him up, and Tanjiro felt a little sorry for him; although it didn't last long, because, as always, it wasn't necessary: Inosuke knew exactly what to do in difficult situations.
Without thinking, he took Tanjiro's damn useless arm and put it on top of his head. Immediately afterwards, he rested his forehead on Tanjiro's shoulder, pushing it gently. It was as if Inosuke had forgotten that he didn't have the mask on.
"What are you talking about?" he said, and then he laughed. "Move it!"
At a loss for words, Tanjiro carefully moved his wrinkled hand to stroke Inosuke's hair. It probably wasn't the first time he'd touched him, it couldn't be, but it felt like it. With each touch, Tanjiro discovered something new: the silky texture, the heat that he emanated, the knots that were undone in his fingertips. Tanjiro wanted to bury his nose in them.
Oh, and there they were again… those unfair heartbeats that came every time he was that close.
The characteristic sweet fragrance filled Tanjiro's nose, making him smile. Inosuke's eyelashes brushed against the fabric as he continued to stroke his hair. Non-stop. It felt as if this was his purpose, as if he had survived Muzan only to live for this moment.
"You're right, Inosuke. The mask is making me feel better,” Tanjiro whispered. Inosuke didn't even bother to open his eyes.
"I'm always right, ha ha!"
The good mood lasted that day and until the next morning. Even the nightmares weren't so terrible after remembering Inosuke's actions upon waking up. However, too much optimism resulted in Tanjiro thinking that he could do more things than he actually could.
Weeks ago a tile had come loose on the roof, causing air, rain and sun to enter more than it should. Either Zenitsu or Inosuke was supposed to fix it, but the former was a bit (very) lazy, and the latter had simply forgotten about helping Nezuko with other activities. Tanjiro decided that while Inosuke went fishing, he would fix the tile.
It was not a good idea.
Tiredness, lack of skill, and coordination, resulted in a Tanjiro who could barely move metal. That resulted in frustration, a few tears, and more than one fall.
When Inosuke returned from the clearing, Tanjiro was on the ground for the fifth time. The bruises were already beginning to take on colour. Inosuke didn't even hesitate to dump the fresh fish on the ground to run to help him, which made him feel worse. Not only was he unable to complete such a simple activity, it also worried Inosuke and ruined the day's meal.
What were you doing, why didn't you tell me, pass that on to me. Inosuke was going crazy climbing onto the roof through the wall; he was shouting things that Tanjiro could barely catch. I am the strongest, don't even think you can surpass me. I'm going to do this in two minutes. Ha, I beat you.
Tanjiro knew it wasn't his fault, he really did. For that very reason, he got up from the floor without saying a word and walked to the fish. He picked up two that didn't touch the floor, and still expressionless, he went to the kitchen. Inosuke kept yelling and hitting the ceiling. Tanjiro wasn't listening.
He felt alien to that world, to that new reality that had no place for the person he became. Tanjiro looked at his hands while he was cooking, those withered and rusty fingers... and he felt the irremediable desire to cry. He didn't even know why, he should be grateful: at the end of it all, things turned out for the best. He was doing well and had an opportunity that his family had not.
That Rengoku had not.
Breakfast passed in a blur, like so many moments in the last few months. Tanjiro tried to smile at Inosuke's jokes and shower him with the flattery he loved, but his mood didn't improve, and if Inosuke's scent indicated anything, he didn't believe his act either.
"Psst… Gonpachiro…"
"Inosuke?"
Lunch hour had just passed. Tanjiro went to sit outside the house, in the sun. He should be doing something else, trying to do something else. In fact, that was his plan, any minute when he felt his strength renewed and that stupid tiredness gone, he would get up and sweep the house, or garden, or tidy up; anything but navigate amid this tranquility that instead of relaxing him, made him feel like an idiot.
"Come, I want to show you something."
Tanjiro made the effort to open his eyes.
And he could have said no, muttered "maybe later", but Inosuke was standing before him with his mask up, and his green eyes were shining, and there was no way Tanjiro could have denied that look anything. Not now, not in a million years.
He rose with a groan to follow him. They entered the forest, in the direction of the river. Tanjiro thought they would fish again or Inosuke would show him how fast he had become with so much practice. Mentally he was already rehearsing all the nice things he would say to him when he saw.
But before they got there, Inosuke turned right taking him along an unknown route. In the heights the trees covered them completely, the birds sang flying from side to side, the landscape was completely green. It reminded Tanjiro a bit of the forest near his old house, and that made his heart clench in the middle of his lungs. Although he appreciated that it was different, that it had little quirks: like the grass that grew underfoot. Because this forest belonged to him, Inosuke, Nezuko and Zenitsu. When he looked at it, he didn't long for the home he lost, but for the creation of this new one.
They finally reached a kind of cave, and without saying anything, Inosuke got into it. Tanjiro had no choice but to follow him. It wasn't that deep or dark, it looked quite comfortable, actually.
"What is this?" Tanjiro asked as he looked around. There were leaves, branches, straws, objects, and above all, clothes.
"It's my nest!"
He recognized some of Nezuko's robes and one of Zenitsu's shoes. It was mostly Tanjiro's stuff anyway. Lost shirts, tunics tore in half, odd socks. Tanjiro felt a warmth in his chest. No, not a warmth: a flame.
"There are my trousers from the Slayer Corps' uniform!" he said, pointing to a dirty black cloth. "The one I missed!"
Inosuke ignored him.
"Here I come when I can't sleep, or when I'm very tired because I ate a lot."
Tanjiro sat on top of the piles of clothes. Surprisingly they didn't smell bad, just seemed dirty. Tanjiro didn't know what it said about him finding this cute, and he didn't care. Inosuke seemed happy not only to have this space but also to invite him to share it.
"How did you come up with this?" he asked.
"Wild boars made nests, so I learned too."
Inosuke, with the mask on, also sat next to him. Without thinking about it, without even stopping to second guess, he took Tanjiro's hand, that withered hand, and placed it on his head, hoping Tanjiro caressed it. He did, because again, as strange as it was, how could he refuse?
"I think I feel calmer," Tanjiro told him, taking another look at the torn garments and the hunched boy accepting his touch. "Thanks for showing me this, Inosuke."
"I have to help you!"
"No, you don't, but… thank you."
"No, yes I must. Because I'm in love with you, Gengoro, I already told you. Now shut up."
Tanjiro, for what felt like a thousandth time, was filled with immense tenderness for this boy who made nests and screamed all day long. 'Tenderness', of course, in the sense of endearing affection, in the sense of care and protection without possessiveness in between.
"Inosuke, I think you misunderstood me when we talked about that…" he started to say, suppressing a sigh.
"Oh?"
"Naturally, you worry about me, but it is because we are friends. You care about Nezuko too, don't you?"
"Of course! I'm going to protect Nezuko too!"
"But you're not in love with her."
"No! I don't want to crash our foreheads!"
Tanjiro stopped his caresses; he didn't notice until Inosuke turned to look at him.
"What?" Tanjiro babbled.
"And my stomach doesn't go bam, bum, pam!"
Tanjiro was motionless. "And with me... it does?"
"That's what I've been telling you, Tontoro!"
Could you explode with emotion? Tanjiro was about to find out. Every system in his body, every molecule, was on the brink of combustion. Hearing Inosuke say that was the equivalent of seeing a meadow bloom, catching a glimpse of a shooting star. It didn't seem true, he had a hard time believing it was.
Although maybe…it wasn't that crazy.
Heart pounding, Tanjiro looked once more at that little nest that contained more of his clothes than anyone else's. He thought about Inosuke's words and attempts to protect him and make him feel better. He couldn't kill you, Zenitsu said the day Tanjiro woke up in that hospital bed. It was the only solution. He had the sword at your neck, and couldn't kill you; I think it's the only thing that Inosuke is incapable of doing. Because we are friends, Tanjiro replied. Zenitsu looked away.
Maybe Inosuke knew better about love than the rest. Perhaps he understood it better than Tanjiro. He just needed to put a name to those feelings.
"Want to go chase a squirrel?" Inosuke commented after a few exhausting minutes of silence. Tanjiro blinked, as if waking from a dream, and resumed his caresses.
"A squirrel?" he said.
"If you catch it before I do, we can eat it."
"And if you catch it first?"
"We eat it too."
Tanjiro chuckled and lay down squarely on the dirty sink. Inosuke immediately started jumping from side to side, telling him to go hunting, not to ruin their nest, and to keep touching his head. Tanjiro did.
They stayed there until the sun began to fall on the horizon.
The next day, the constant weakness that Tanjiro felt decided to give him a truce. He was able to do all the chores and even help fish without even complaining or yawning. It was a good day. He and Inosuke went back to the cave for a few hours and then lay down to sleep.
The nightmares, however, did not want to leave him alone.
Tanjiro woke up a few hours before dawn. The sky was a faint blue and the moon was still shining high in the sky, illuminating Inosuke's mask next to his bare body.
With a lump in his throat and his guts churning, Tanjiro left the house to get some air. Usually, he lay there waiting for sleep to take pity on him and take him back into its arms; now, instead, he got up, and as quietly as possible went out into the patio to get some fresh air. His heart was going so fast and violent that he swore Inosuke would be able to hear it. Hell, even Zenitsu would be able to hear him wherever he was.
It was cold. Tanjiro hugged himself and closed his eyes, reminding himself over and over again that Muzan was dead, that he was killed. His attempt to transform him into a monster didn't work because Tanjiro was there, living with the people he loved most in the world. Muzan disappeared forever, all the rest was the creation of his treacherous mind. The nightmares never would come true. That was a feasible and logical fact.
Why couldn't he believe it, then? Why was he trembling with fear and helplessness? Was there a part of him that longed for these scenes to happen so he'd stop feeling weak and stupid? Tanjiro covered his face with his hands. What if the last battle had damaged him so much that now this was all that was left of him, nothing more than Muzan's failed creation?
"Maybe you should howl at the moon."
Tanjiro didn't feel him approaching, even though Inosuke's scent grew stronger and stronger. He turned to look at him, still shaky. It was strange that he had woken up considering how little noise Tanjiro made, Inosuke was an awfully heavy sleeper… He was probably never quite asleep in the first place. Tanjiro wondered if it was a fluke, an extraordinary event, or if perhaps the boy was having nightmares. If that was true he wished he could take them off.
"Meaning...?" he asked.
“Wolves did that and it worked for them. Boars didn't, but you're not a boar, just me. You can't be that cool." Inosuke raised his head. "You should try howling at the moon."
Tanjiro couldn't help but look at him, at this peculiar boy who, despite everything that happened to him, despite having every reason to be otherwise, had grown loyal, strong, and gentle (in his own way). Tanjiro detailed the mask he wore, the one he learned to love as an extension of Inosuke, and felt a wave of affection so great that it almost made him dizzy. Here he was in the middle of the night, and instead of making fun of Tanjiro, asking for unnecessary details, or pitying him, he was trying to help Tanjiro find himself, to come to his senses, like — helping an old man cross the street: you don't tell him where to go or dictate his movements, you simply give him a hand to reach his destination.
"So? Are you going to howl or not?"
Well, what the hell, he had nothing to lose.
Tanjiro jumped up putting each hand around his mouth and began to make the highest-pitched, savage noises that could come out of his throat. Inosuke wasted no time, and as Tanjiro howled, he ran in circles on all fours without stopping. Tanjiro went on, on, and on until he couldn't help but laugh at the absurdity of the situation.
He dropped onto the grass this time, which was wet with dew from the night. He was breathing hard, his eyes were still fixed on the moon, and he was stupidly happy. Inosuke stopped running to lie down next to him, pleased with the results of his experiment. Honestly, Tanjiro was too.
But the memories came back. Images from the nightmare loomed in the corners of his mind, staining this good moment with blood and cruelty. Screams, wounds, death. Screams, wounds, death. Tanjiro had to close his eyes to stop seeing them.
“I dreamed… I dreamed that Muzan revived," he confessed then, wanting to completely eliminate the bitter traces of the dream. Inosuke took off his mask.
"That's impossible."
"I know, it's just…" The images came back with even more force, ugly and bloody. A chill ran through him. "He turned the pillars into demons, and… and me too."
Fantasy mixed with reality. The scant memories of when he was a demon tore at his head. He barely knew what happened to him, he only remembered Nezuko's blood, the intelligible screams, and his hunger. Not even hunger for food, but for pure pain. His greatest desire was to end the entire world and all those who inhabited it, starting with the beings he considered his weakness.
"I…" Tanjiro swallowed without being able to look at his face. "I… I came back here and attacked you —"
"That's impossible too," Inosuke said abruptly. "Never gonna happen!"
The boy stood up and pointed his finger at him insistently as if Tanjiro had offended him personally for having that nightmare. He raised his arms.
"I know."
"Seriously," Inosuke continued as if Tanjiro hadn't spoken, "you can stop thinking about death because we're not going to die!"
"Everyone dies at some point..."
“Nope, not us."
"Are you declaring that we are immortal?"
"That's how it is! All of us who live in this house are immortal, and if death tries to kill me…. I'll fight the idiot!"
Tanjiro snorted, half laughing.
"I don't think that's possible…"
"It is, Kanjiro. I already told you. I'm always right."
And as usually happened to him when he was with Inosuke, he laughed, accepting his complaints. Inosuke's eyes blazed with fire as Tanjiro affectionately patted his leg.
"Okay…" he said.
"'Kay," Inosuke replied, then reached into his pocket. "D'you want an acorn?"
"Where did you get it?" Tanjiro took it, unfazed by the change in subject.
"I don't know, but it helps sleep."
"Thank you, Inosuke."
For a couple of seconds, they just looked at each other. Tanjiro constantly let himself forget how insanely pretty Inosuke was, but in this dim light, he found it something unbelievable to do. He must have looked destroyed, with dark circles under his eyes, his hair in a mess, and dry lips. Inosuke, on the other hand, didn't look anything like that. It was unfair and Tanjiro wanted to look at him forever.
"Stop thanking me!" Inosuke suddenly yelled, turning his back on him. After putting the mask back on, he clutched his stomach. "Bam, boom, pam…"
He entered the house muttering to himself. Tanjiro stayed in the same place, watching the moon, the acorn in his hand, and the place where Inosuke disappeared. He had rarely felt so lucky. Rarely had he felt so full of love.
Balling fists, he went back to his bed and tried to sleep again. The acorn that Inosuke gave him was resting between his fingers.
"You're a dead man!"
Tanjiro laughed as he carried at least a dozen fish on his sword, and in the sack, there were a few more. Inosuke was the one who carried the weight up the hill trying to catch up with him. Tanjiro didn't know why they fished so much if it was just the two of them, though Inosuke's appetite wasn't something to be taken lightly.
"It's not my fault that I collected more fish than you!" Tanjiro yelled as he entered the house. Inosuke kept complaining in the background.
He was the one who cooked, obviously; as sweet as his friend's attempt at food had been days ago, it was clear that Tanjiro had more culinary skills. He decided to make tempura because he knew how much Inosuke liked it.
Yesterday late, a letter had finally arrived from Nezuko telling him they were well, she was having a great time and they would return in a few days. Tanjiro was more than happy for her, although he had to admit that he missed her. His spirits had improved since he howled at the moon three nights ago —especially since the nightmares hadn't woken him again — and he wanted to continue feeling better. He wanted to share that cheer with Nezuko and Zenitsu.
Inosuke practically wolfed down the food once Tanjiro served it. No matter how many times he'd done that before, knowing that Inosuke enjoyed his food always felt right. Inosuke finished the first plate in less than five minutes and immediately ordered another. Tanjiro obeyed, feeling full and happy seeing his eyes with that sparkle that only food could give him.
"Are you going to teach me how to fight with my mouth someday?" Inosuke blurted out suddenly as he finished his second plate.
Tanjiro spat out some water. "W-what?"
“You talked about that the other day. Mouth fights. You didn't want to teach me because obviously, I'll be better than you, haha!"
Tanjiro couldn't help the smile that grew on his face when he heard this, one that quickly faded when he saw that Inosuke looked at his lips. Not with desire, far from it, but rather with curiosity. Still… oh, they were so close…
"Kissing... uh, it's called kissing," Tanjiro said with his brain half turned off. Inosuke still didn't take his eyes from his mouth.
"That."
"Uh…" Tanjiro got up to clear things from the table. "I don't know if... It's just that you do it when you really like someone."
"I already told you that I liked you, didn't I?" Inosuke was in front of him before he could move. "Teach me!"
Oh, what else could he do? A person could only resist so much.
“Uh, okay."
Feeling his face burning red, Tanjiro grabbed Insouke's jaw to tilt it up. He was slightly taller, and although that always seemed to annoy Inosuke, now his expression betrayed no irritation or anger, just expectation. The green eyes reminded him of the forest — the one that belong to both of them, the one of his old house and, possibly, if he saw it, they should also resemble the forest in which Inosuke grew up. Tanjiro wished he could get inside them and live there, safe, chasing squirrels, gathering acorns and howling the moon.
Heartbeat deafening his ears, Tanjiro pressed his lips together. He was clumsy and sloppy and awkward and he wished they'd never be apart. No one closed their eyes, the movements did not fit, but it was perfect.
Inosuke grabbed his shoulders and deepened the kiss. Little by little the rhythm they acquired became more enjoyable; Tanjiro couldn't remember feeling this complete in months, maybe years. Inosuke raised his arm and began to wave it in the air as if he had won something and was overtaken by excitement. That, somehow, made him feel even happier. That was another of the things that Tanjiro loved about him: his feelings were so big and he needed to express them in such exaggerated ways, that sometimes there was no room for anyone else's feelings. But it was okay, because most of the time, what he and Inosuke felt was the same.
"I'm the best mouth fighter!" the boy said when they separated due to lack of air. Tanjiro scratched his neck.
"I mean... you need a little practice."
"What did you just say?!"
Inosuke tackled him (yes, he tackled him despite being less than a meter away), and Tanjiro fell to the ground with a thud, only to immediately feel his mouth crash into Inosuke's without any softness.
"Ouch."
He kissed him anyway, kissed him until his lips cramped. Inosuke didn't make the effort to separate either, on the contrary, he tried to kiss Tanjiro harder and harder.
Strangely, his aggressiveness comforted Tanjiro rather than annoyed him, because if he didn't treat him as fragile, if he didn't think he couldn't take a bit of a fight, it meant that maybe (just maybe) the worthlessness lurking beneath his ribs was mostly mental.
And if it wasn't, well, no one said you shouldn't get tired and be strong all the time, right?
"Stupid... Monjoro... Shut up..."
Tanjiro was willing to comply.
Nights later, sweat glued his clothes to his body and his head ached from the screams in his dreams. Tanjiro sat quietly on the bed (he had mastered the art of not alerting anyone with his nightmares), and rubbed his eyes endlessly. His friends were fine. Nezuko was fine. Inosuke was fine.
As the face of Rengoku transformed into a demon faded from his mind, Tanjiro leaned back again. If it were any other night he would raise to go for a walk, however, now the exhaustion was much bigger: he had chased animals with Inosuke all day. Every muscle resented the movement.
Ready to go back to sleep, Tanjiro lay down on his side. It was there, when he decided to look at Inosuke until his eyelids were heavy (he had also proven that it was an effective method to sleep, thank you), that he saw it.
Green eyes looked at him from the other bed.
"Are you okay?" Tanjiro asked, immediately holding out his hand for Inosuke to take. They had decided to get this close days ago, in case Inosuke wanted to feel caresses on his head to fall asleep. Now, instead, he ignored the attempted contact and simply nodded. "Why are you awake?"
"Did you have a nightmare?" Inosuke asked back, making him cringe. Tanjiro seriously didn't want to talk about it.
"Yeah."
"Me too."
Now he could recognize that Inosuke's gaze was not only intense, but it also had traces of puzzlement in it. Tanjiro wanted to know what he dreamed and help him get over the shock or surprise, but he knew that attempts to know would not be welcome. Nobody liked to talk about their nightmares.
"Do you want to come here?" he said instead, pushing back the bed covers to make room for him
"I don't need your pity!"
"That's not why I'm asking," Tanjiro said patiently. "I'd feel safer if you were by my side. I always feel safe when you are near me."
Inosuke hesitated, though, after a few seconds, he ended up crawling across the floor to lie down next to him. The almost inhuman heat was the first thing that hit him, and the second…
It was peace.
Years ago when they were in the Red Light District, Tengen Uzui saw how Tanjiro looked at Inosuke in the carriage and saw how his expression changed when he was near him. Even Tanjiro didn't know then that all those times his heart broke when he saw Inosuke hurt meant something else. Tengen made him realize how different his feelings for him were from the rest of his friends.
He will never be able to give you peace, Tengen said to him and laughed as if that was some big joke. It's like falling in love with a hurricane and those are not made to give you peace. I know what I'm talking about, boy.
And Tanjiro thought that maybe he was right but he didn't care. That, in fact, was what he liked the most about Inosuke, and if what he brought into his life were chaos and fights… it was fine by him. Tanjiro needed someone who could keep the flame within him alive even when he wasn't able to.
But Tengen didn't know Inosuke, he had no way of knowing that yes, he was a human hurricane that had more energy than twenty people put together — but he was also this: warmth on a cold night, caresses in the hair, laughter, and an 'I can't do it'. An 'I can't do it' that gave Tanjiro the chance to prove Tengen, the universe, and himself wrong.
"I dreamed of my mom," Inosuke blurted out as he took Tanjiro's worn hand to place it on top of his head. "I saw her face in slow motion when she threw me off a cliff..."
Tanjiro allowed Inosuke to do and undo with him. He didn't even flinch when Inosuke began to trace the scar on his forehead with his fingers. It was the first time he was touched there with such devotion. Few times before he felt more exposed than now, with Inosuke's hands on his skin and his black hair between his fingers.
"I've dreamed of her before, I've seen that face on her, but now I think it's the first time I could recognize how she looked at me," the boy continued. He seemed not to be paying full attention to what he was saying.
"And how did she look at you?" Tanjirou asked.
"With love."
Something inside him broke, Tanjiro could swear. Something inside him fell and shattered upon hearing Inosuke utter those words. He wished it was in his power to bring her back so Inosuke could've had a normal life. He would do anything to give him the chance to meet her.
"Don't look at me like that, Ponchoro," he murmured and struck Tanjiro on the forehead with his fingernail. He decided to ignore that.
"Do you miss her?" he asked instead.
"How am I gonna miss her? I don't know her."
"But she loved you," he said, deciding that it wouldn't be a bad thing to tell Inosuke everything he thought, "and you kept that love inside of you to give it to the rest."
"How d'you know? You have no idea. I don't know how to use… love."
He looked so lost that Tanjiro wanted to laugh. Was he really not capable of seeing what he saw? The morning fishing, the support of Zenitsu's imaginary engagement, the help to Nezuko in practically everything that she asked for... all these were things that Inosuke did from the love that he had inside. A love that overflowed and that Tanjiro never doubted. He may not have known his intentions, but the love he had to give? That was impossible not to see. Inosuke had it coming out of his pores even though he didn't want to notice. Although no one apart from Tanjiro wanted to notice.
Better for him; it was a gift that not everyone deserved.
"That's not true…" Tanjiro said, leaning his forehead against Inosuke's. "You use love with me, with Nezuko, Zenitsu. Shinobu."
Inosuke didn't say anything for a long time. Tanjiro worried that he had struck a chord too sensitive, and immediately began thinking about apologies: that he didn't want to make him feel bad, that he was sorry, that he was an idiot who never knew when to shut up.
But then Inosuke buried his head into Tanjiro's chest so hard it felt like a headbutt. Tanjiro hugged him while the boy sighed, or cried, or complained. He didn't know and it didn't matter either, because all Inosuke needed from him, at the moment, was for him to hold him. And that was what he was going to do.
"Stupid Monjiro," he muttered over his clothes.
"Thank you for coming to me," was his reply. "Do you want to sleep?"
"Yeah."
Tanjiro kissed Inosuke's temple, and he gave him a small kiss on the lips. Immediately afterwards, he buried himself in his chest again. Tanjiro could explode with happiness.
For the first time in months, he had no trouble falling asleep.
Shortly after the lightning began to bathe the mountain, the door opened to reveal a Nezuko and a Zenitsu who came hand in hand, excited to tell the stories of their journey.
They both stopped at the doorway of the room to find Tanjiro and Inosuke sleeping together. Tanjiro was in the smallest corner of the bed, and Inosuke looked like a star, taking up all the space (and drooling, too).
"Finally," Nezuko said before Zenitsu's perplexed look (perplexed because he didn't expect this to happen so soon, it should be clarified). In any case, both were happy. "Come, we will make breakfast."