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Exhaustion. Horror. Confliction. These were some of the feelings Silco felt as he walked away from the abandoned warehouse. Jinx had put down her gun, untied Silco, and left. She trailed not too far behind him. He didn't mind though, he needed some space to think.
Tonight had been enormous. It had been so big that Silco couldn't even fathom it, but he tried to anyway. He tried to analyze everything he saw, to deconstruct every emotion he felt.
The first that came to mind was anger. How dare that girl come strolling back into their lives and ruin everything they had! Silco had worked hard to get Jinx to where she was. He'd spent years coaching her, trying to build her confidence back. All it took was one stupid girl to come and destroy all of that. Worst of all, Jinx had believed her, sided with her even! She had genuinely considered leaving him.
The thought of that made Silco shudder.
Fear. There was fear, loads of it. There was the fear of losing her, yes, but this was the most unstable Silco's ever seen her. Jinx had been bone chilling, menacing even. Silco had never been afraid of Jinx before. He knew her. But tonight he got a taste of how terrifying she can be. She had kidnapped them all, bound them to chairs, and threatened their lives. Who knows what would have happened if he weren't able to talk her down.
Then of course, there was the fear he had for her. When Jinx has an episode, it's because she's hurting. To see her pain, so tangible, so intense...it killed him. Jinx had tried to appear intimidating, but Silco could see the immense fear underneath. He always could.
He wanted to take that fear away from her, to hold her close, comfort her, make everything okay.
There was love. Of course there was love. There had always been love, even when Silco didn't know there was. Silco loved Jinx. Jinx was his daughter, IS his daughter. He had been there for everything, her highs, her lows. They had been together for so long, they were practically a part of each other.
Jinx would always have his heart, always be able to give it a tug. She could rely on him, lean on him in times of need, like she always had. Likewise, Silco had her. Silco could see it in her eyes, whenever he reasons with her, she knows he's right, but she never wants to admit it.
Silco would be there for her, he'd be strong for her, he'd do anything for her. Every decision he made came down to her. How would it affect her? Would it be good for her?
They had helped one another and learned from each other over the years. Silco cared for Jinx, truly, with his whole being, something he only fully realized that night on the bridge. He cared for her so much that it often felt too intense, like it would consume him whole if she didn't first.
He glanced behind his shoulder. Jinx was still there, following him with indecisive footsteps. Silco felt the familiar fondness he had for her swell up in his chest, and couldn't help but smile at her.
His smile faded quickly.
Sadness. Jinx looked nothing like herself. Her skin was covered in dirt and bruises, her face was lined with cracks. She looked so much older than she actually was. Her body hunched at the weight of her weapons, making herself look smaller than normal, and her pink glowing eyes were locked on the earth beneath her.
She looked miserable, unrecognizable, like she had nothing left. Silco had never seen her this low, and for the first time ever, Silco missed how she was as a child. The innocence she had used to twinkle in her eyes.
Now, her eyes looked dead.
How many times had she felt like this in her life? How many times did Silco not see the red flags, somehow overlook the warning signs that were so obvious? This wasn't the first time, was it? No, there had probably been multiple times when things were this bad, and he just didn't notice.
Guilt and shame flooded him. He failed her. He had failed her for years and only saw his mistakes just now, when it was almost too late. He was a fool, how could he have done this to her? It should have never gone this far, or gotten this bad. He should have noticed, he should have done something about this...but he didn't. He had loved her, and yet hurt her at the same time.
All these emotions Silco was feeling fought for dominance in his head, all trying to dictate his next decision. Something had to be done.
In the past, Jinx would never really get in trouble, no matter how bad her actions were. Silco had been afraid to properly discipline her. He had always felt that it would have broken some unspoken boundary in their relationship. He also thought that if he did punish her, she'd lash out and become unstable. So Silco always kept his anger at her to a minimum, and usually just let things go.
Part of him wanted to uphold that. He wanted to walk home, crash into his bed, and forget about this night. Wake up the next morning, both of them fully rested. Maybe then they could talk about what had happened.
But in his heart, Silco knew what he truly needed to do.
It was daunting. Silco had given Jinx pep talks and speeches of encouragement in the past, but never a heart-to-heart. It was uncharted territory. He had never received one as a child. Silco never saw the need to give Jinx one, and even if he did, he wouldn't even know where to start. Once again, it was one of those things that seemed to cross a line in their relationship.
Silco also knew that if he were to do the right thing, he would have to take accountability. Even if Jinx didn't want to admit that Silco played a role in her becoming who she was, Silco knew he most certainly did. He would need to own up to his past mistakes.
But most importantly, he would have to let Jinx go. He wanted to shake that horrible thought out of his head, but he knew it was needed. If she truly wants to be with her sister, if it will make her happy, then Silco in good conscious could not deny that from her anymore. And if that meant the two of them would disappear and he'd never see his daughter again, then...
Silco stopped dead in his tracks. It was quiet enough that he could hear Jinx's steps stop too. That's the thing, quiet. It's never quiet here, not in this city. The tall buildings are as alive and as restless as it's residents. Yet the cobblestone streets were deserted, illuminated by the neon lights of surrounding establishments.
Usually, these streets would be crowded. Vendors would be yelling their sale pitches, drunken bastards would be making loud noises, etc. Tonight, the only noises Silco could hear was the wind, the faint buzzing of lights, and his own breath.
Ahead of him was a fork in the road. To his left, was an unmarked road, one that sparked no memory in his brain. The right, was a familiar street, the one that would lead him home. Which one to choose. Home, or the unknown? Change, or the familiar?
Silco's footsteps echo softly on the stoney pavement. "Where are you going?" Silco turned. This was the first thing Jinx had said since the warehouse. "That's not the way home." He looked her in the eye, and then turned back to the road ahead of him. "I know," Silco said. "I want to see something." He wants to see where this road ends, where this first step will take them.
"Are you coming?"
Finally, the road had ended. When it did, Silco sat down and just stared. Stared at the city he loved so much, his home, his dream. Behind him, he could hear Jinx's breathing. He scooted over, silently signally for her to sit alongside him. She did, out of habit, but there was space between them.
Together, they sat in silence, looking over the city. Silco's whole life had been here. As he studied the landscape, he could see the resemblance of certain places he had been over the years. He could see the outline of the town he grew up in, all the way by the shore. He could see individual buildings he had gone to or passed by, even though they were all bathed in the same hazy green light.
Silco had dedicated so much time to this place. So much energy. The more he gazed, the more emotions he felt, the more memories came rushing back to him.
"Out of all the people I've wronged, I've wronged you the most," Silco rasped out quietly. It wasn't that he was too prideful to say it louder but rather, if he had, he would have broke right then and there.
It was hard for Silco to say anything. He had cut emotion out of his life so long ago. Emotion was his weakness, it's what made him lose everything. So Silco had packed them into a box, only taking out the ones he needed every now and then. His coldness stopped people from being close to him, which was what he wanted. Now, he needed all those emotions, but it was hard to find them.
Silco continued looking straight ahead. He didn't make any eye contact with Jinx. "That night I found you, I didn't see a young girl suffering....I saw myself, when I had been betrayed. I knew the pain you were feeling, because it had been mine."
This was something he had known for years, but never spoke a word of.
"So I took you in, because you were the only other person who could possibly understand what it feels like. We bonded over our similarities. All these years, I thought you and I were one in the same. You always reminded me of how I used to be."
The wind blew in the air. It was silent.
"I thought that because you were like me, you needed what I needed. You needed to forget, to overcome, to forge yourself into something new. Create armor to protect yourself, that way you'd never be hurt again."
Watching her grow up reminded him of his childhood. He had forgotten that someone like him used to be so small, so vulnerable. He wanted to protect that in her.
"You and I are not the same. We need different things. I couldn't have survived if Vander were still here. You, on the contrary," it pained him to say it, "you need your sister. You wouldn't let her go when she was gone and you won't let her go now that she's back. Some of the things you need, I can't provide you with, because I don't have the tools nor the resources. I realized that tonight.
"I wanted to help you, but the help I gave you did not work because we are not the same. In fact, the help I gave you hurt you. I have hurt you. I miss interpreted your cries for help and didn't notice when things were at there worst."
Jinx blinked. Silco had apologized for things in past, minor things though. Things were she was clearly upset and holding a grudge against him. But something like this? Never. Silco was always honest with her, yes, but also reserved. She was shocked at this.
"It was never my intention to hurt you. I love you, Jinx. I'm sorry it took so long to come to these realizations. I'm sorry that I couldn't help you. I'm sorry I couldn't give you what you needed. I'm sorry I've hurt you for so long."
His throat burned at his words, but he continued with his confession.
"I- I have been alone for a long time, Jinx. I grew up with no friends, or family. All I had was Vander, and he left me. When you're alone for so long, you grow accustomed to it. But then I had you. Losing you, in any fashion, is the worst thing that could happen. But," he turned towards her. He looked at her face. A face that he'd grown so used to seeing. A face he couldn't imagine living without. "But you aren't mine to lose. If you want to be with your sister, I will not stop you. I will not prevent you from being with her, it is your right. It is your own choice."
Silco quickly added in another statement, in case Jinx was misunderstanding him.
"That doesn't mean I don't want you. I meant every word I said back there. I would have never given you to them. Not for anything. I will find another way to get Zaun. You are my daughter, I will never forsake you. But things need to change for progress to be made. Tonight was....it can't happen again. Do you understand? It was far too dangerous. You could have-"
Jinx leaned on Silco's shoulder. Silco looked down at the girl who was snuggling into his arm. He put an arm around her instantly, resting his chin on her head. "All I want is for you to be safe and happy. That's all I want." He kissed her forehead.
Jinx couldn't help but cry. She had been going through so much, had done so many bad things, but here Silco was, like he always was. Holding her, taking care of her, embracing her for who she is. She'd done so much that had hurt him, but he didn't care about any of that. He only cared about her.
"Don't cry," Silco pulled back, looking straight into Jinx's pink eyes. He ran his fingers through her hair, caressed her face and swiped her tears away.
There she was. There was his daughter.
"You're perfect."