Cryptid Crawl!

Welcome back cryptid crawlers to the latest entry in our cryptid crawl across the continental US! Tonight, we visit the small town of Amity Park, Illinois. Now, experienced cryptozoologists might recognize that name as the self-proclaimed Most Haunted Town in America. But we aren’t here for the ghosts. Amity Park has much more to offer than just spooky stories - no offense to our fellow paranormal investigators.

Notes:

For currentlylurking, GoingDeceased, Carelisswriting.

Prompt from Lurking: A popular cryptid blogger writes an article about Danny Phantom

Chapter Text

[Video starts, showing a young person with dyed pink and blue hair sitting in front of a poster with the words ‘Cryptid Crawl!’ superimposed on a world globe. The letters are colored with a pink and blue camo pattern reminiscent of the person’s hair. In the background of the poster are numerous cartoonish glaring eyes.]

Welcome back cryptid crawlers to the latest entry in our cryptid crawl across the continental US! Tonight, we visit the small town of Amity Park, Illinois. Now, experienced cryptozoologists might recognize that name as the self-proclaimed Most Haunted Town in America. But we aren’t here for the ghosts. Amity Park has much more to offer than just spooky stories - no offense to our fellow paranormal investigators.

I’m talking about the Amity Park Phantom.

Now, you might be going what? Crawly, a Phantom? That’s a ghost! But I will remind you all of the Fiskerton Phantom, which is very much not a ghost and is very much a living creature.

Of course, that doesn’t mean that the Amity Park Phantom is the same kind of creature as the Fiskerton Phantom. In fact, descriptions of the creatures are very different. The Fiskerton Phantom is described as a large, dark-furred cat-like or bear-like animal with pointed ears. The Amity Park Phantom, meanwhile, is somewhat smaller than an adult human. Still big, for an animal, but not that big. Its color, meanwhile, is patchy, but sort of reminiscent of a tuxedo cat, if you know what I mean. But the most eye-catching part of the Amity Park Phantom is definitely the eyes. They’re big. They’re bright. They’re green. And they glow. Lemme show you.

[The video shifts so that the right half the screen is taken up by a blurry photograph. Most of the photo is of a city park, but towards the edge of the park is a black and white humanoid figure. The figure’s face is obscured by a pair of bright green lights.]

Now, we all know the typical explanations mainstreamers and cryptid deniers put out. Alien big cats, native cats with unusual coloration, owls. I mean, you know how I feel about people saying Mothman is just an owl. I mean, come on, man. That’s crazy.

Back on topic.

Unlike most cryptids, the Amity Park Phantom is incredibly well documented.

[The right half of the screen cycles through several more photographs of the same black and white figure.]

Seriously, the only reason it’s still a cryptid and not, like, getting someone on the cover of Genius magazine for discovering a new species - look, an enby like myself can dream, right? I’m hot enough to be on a magazine! - is because all the picture are blurry. Which I posit is because of its crazy traffic light eyes. Also, it’s crazy fast and can fly.

Yep. This boy, girl, or other can fly. Not sure how. No visible wings - not that we can see with how blurry pictures of it already are, anyway. But fly it does. There are lots of pics and videos of it flying.

The Amity Park Phantom also has one other thing going for it that other cryptids don’t get: Official government recognition.

Yeah, I’m not kidding you. The City of Amity Park’s official, serious government position is that the Phantom exists, and not just as a tourist draw. Which is, like, mind-blowing. Most places don’t even recognize Bigfoot. Mothman doesn’t even have this level of recognition, and Mothman has a statue!

You know the one I’m talking about.

[The picture on the right changes to show an image of the Point Pleasant, Virginia Mothman statue, and then a close up of the statue’s butt. It then returns to showing images of the Amity Park Phantom.]

Here’s the rub. The reason the Phantom is still defined as a cryptid and not a real, living organism. Amity Park might recognize that the Phantom exists, but… they think it’s a ghost.

But that’s not true. Sorry, ghost hunters, we’re usually on the same side, but in this case, you’re wrong. Just gotta tell it like I see it.

Let’s face the facts.

One, the Phantom is not geographically bound. Not to Amity Park itself - take a look at these pictures of it, or a similar creature, in Wisconsin.

Two, the Phantom has been photographed and even videoed hanging around restaurants and begging for food, even to the point of flying through the drive-through and getting chased away by this really badass girl - seriously, she climbed out of the drive-through window and chased him off with a broom. Girl, if you’re seeing this and you’re single, look me up.

[Video is briefly replaced by a three-second clip of a young black woman in a ‘Nasty Burger’ employee uniform climbing out of a drive through window and chasing the Amity Park Phantom with a push broom.]

Not ghost behavior.

Three, no matter how many sad dead children you dig up, none of them, not one of them matches Phantom’s appearance or behavior. None. Like, look at this man.

[Photo montage stops on a slightly less blurry than usual picture of the Amity Park Phantom.]

His head is white. That’s white hair. Fur. Whatever. Oh, god, now they’ve got me doing it. Yikes. But you know what’s even more yikes? Trying to use real tragedies to prop up a demonstrably false claim on the internet.

Finally, and I think most damningly, is that you can get pictures of this guy. I have never seen nor heard of a ghost getting photographed this reliably.

Now, can I understand why people might think the Phantom is a ghost? Sure. He’s this funny glowy guy who can fly, and there are some reports that he’s got this active camouflage that would be so cool if it was real, because it sounds almost like invisibility. Finding an organism that can do that would be a big support to crytozoologists everywhere. Plus, it fits Amity Park’s schtick. The whole ‘Most Haunted Town’ thing.

But there’s another reason for Amity Parkers to be so insistent that the Phantom is a ghost. You see, they actually get funding for ‘ghost attacks.’ Yes, I know, it’s weird. On the other hand, they don’t give out funding for wild animal attacks. Well, wait, I don’t actually know that, crap–

[Video cuts, jumping back to the blue-and-pink haired person.]

Okay, yeah, there’s some money for it, but it’s not ghost attack money. God. Anyway. The ghost attack money– I can hardly say that with a straight face. Wow. It’s obviously only for ghost attacks, so. Gotta have a ghost. I am not making this up. It’s on their website!

Now, how much of this ghost attack damage is actually because of the Phantom… eh, that’s hard to tell. Beyond the obvious obfuscation, no one’s ever been seriously injured by Phantom. There’s this fun video someone photoshopped of it robbing a bank, though! No idea why anyone would do that, but, you know. It’s the internet. They got the eye color wrong, though, maybe on purpose, so that’s something. I’ll be putting the link to that video down below if any of you need a laugh.

You might have noticed that this video is nearing its end, but don’t worry, this is not the last you’ll hear of the Amity Park Phantom. Next week, I will be going to Amity Park, Illinois! Personally! If you live around there, you might just see me.

On the other hand, that’s all for this week before I crawl back into my Cryptid Cave - I should really get that trademarked some day - so! Don’t forget to like and subscribe if you haven’t already. My patreon, ko-fi, and socials are listed below. I need money, so don’t be shy. If you have any cryptid stories, photography, or art, don’t be a cryptid yourself, make yourself known and send them in. This week’s contributors are listed in the video credits. See you next week!

[Video briefly goes black. A list of usernames begins to scroll by, faster than possible to read. Video ends.]

Chapter 2 Notes:

Including this prompt by Calirrhoe: A crew of paranormal investigators comes to Amity Park to film a new episode for their TV show. The problem is: Amity's ghosts are not the same caliber as the ones they're used to, and depending on which popular haunted location they decide to investigate (I'm leaving that one up to you), they might get in a little over their heads. . .

Chapter Text

AMITY OF AMITY PARK: A Friendly Helping Hand

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Forums -> Human Affairs -> Tourism -> Tourism Problems

Thread: MASSIVE PROBLEM

Cynosure (OP): @MOD I’m not sure if this is the right place for this thread, so don’t snipe me, but I’m kind of freaking out right now. Apparently this big paranormal show is coming to Amity. They’re always garbage, I know, but what if they actually see something? We already have so many stupid tourists. This thing is viewed nationally.

Pharaoh (MOD): Mod here. OP, we’re going to need some more detail if we’re going to figure out what to do, if anything. Unfortunately, we can’t actually stop outsiders from coming in.

merknlurk: we could if you weren’t a coward

Pharaoh (MOD): Once again, we’re not killing anyone.

Bog Mummy: Hey OP how do you even know this. Are you watching this show.

Cynosure (OP): Take your bad grammar and stuff it. I’m looking for a good link now.

Phantom (MOD): Is this that Cryptid Crawl thing? If so don’t worry about it. National or not no one takes those guys seriously. We just have to play unfriendly locals and steer them away from any fights.

Cynosure (OP): I’ve never heard of Cryptid Crawl before. I’m talking about this.

Phantom (MOD): ****.

[Video starts, showing two young men standing in front of a bank of old CRT television sets. The sets initially show static, but moving humanoid figures can soon be distinguished in them. Eventually, letters resolve from the static to spell out ‘The Investigation.’ Video shifts to a montage of the same two young men in various locations. Locations include: an underground area shot in night vision, a bridge during the day, walking around a field with backpacks and EMF sensors. The montage fades out, then fades back in to reveal an office-like space with several conspiracy cork boards. The two young men walk in. Both are wearing flannel shirts with the sleeves rolled up. They are joined by a third extremely tall man who is wearing a trench coat and turtleneck sweater. While the other two men are posed naturally, looking directly at the camera, and smiling, the third man has a thousand-yard stare and is standing completely straight. Words at the bottom of the screen briefly identify them as Ned, Azrael, and Jimmy.]

NED: Welcome, investigators, to the first half of our very first two-parter.

AZRAEL: And to those of you joining us for the first time this very special day, welcome to our Investigation into all things paranormal. I’m Az, and this is my older brother Ned.

NED: And this is our best friend Jimmy.

JIMMY: Hng.

NED: You’re right, we’re not paid for introductions. What we are paid for is investigating the truth behind paranormal events all across America. So. Az, tell us. What are we doing this week? Where are we headed?

AZRAEL: This week we’re not headed anywhere.

NED: What? But we’ve got to go somewhere.

AZRAEL: And we will! You see, we’re going to be filming the second half of our two-parter live, on location, in the most haunted city in the world: Amity Park, Illinois.

NED: Allegedly haunted. And why aren’t we going this week?

AZRAEL: Because if we went this week, we wouldn’t have time to tell our viewers the whole, supernatural history of Amity Park. That’s how haunted this place is. We can’t even summarize it in one hour.

NED (crosses his arms): It sounds like Az fell for the hype machine, huh, Jimmy?

JIMMY: Hng.

AZRAEL: I did not fall for the hype machine.

NED: You’ve been tourist trapped, little bro.

AZRAEL: Shut up and let me show you my research, okay? By the end, Jimmy will be agreeing with me. But first, I want to let you know we won’t be the only investigators, little i, on the scene. We’ve got some rivals.

The Smart Twin: Hey, I hate to be that guy, but there’s more. A whole bunch of the usual suspects were really insulted by the whole Cryptid Crawl thing. And they’ve teamed up this time.

Cynosure (OP): Are you telling me there’s three groups of weirdos about to descend on this town? Three? We already have the GIW and the Fentons. If we get any more, we’ll hit some kind of weirdo critical mass.

Phantom (MOD): Hey!

Thecooltwin: Guess that tells us its thename thief today

The Smart Twin: Anyway, the clip I saw is here.

[Video starts, showing seven young people and a tiger standing in various power poses. Video has a ‘static’ effect filter. Dramatic, spooky music plays. The title ‘Groovy Ghost Blasters Extreme’ fades in.]

VOICEOVER: WELCOME TO THE GROOVIEST BLASTIEST EXTREMEST GHOST TEAM AROUND. WE GIVE YOU VID. THRASH. DOWNLOAD. BRENNER. SULLIVAN. ANDY. FRAN. SCAREDY CAT! PREPARE FOR EXTREME. GHOST. ACTION. IN AMITY PARK. IN ONE WEEK. NO CRYPTIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIDS! SCREW YOU CRAWLEY! YOU SUCK!

VOICEOVER (more quietly and in a completely different tone): BroughttoyoubyGhostBlastersUnlimitedCorporationinpartnershipwiththeGroovyGangandGhostbreakersExtremethisisnotanendorsementofviolencegoodbye.

Phantom (MOD): ****!

Phrontist (MOD): @Phantom (MOD) Please stop swearing, there are little kids on this server and they look up to you.

Phantom (MOD): I’m not swearing I’m just saying ****.

Phantom (MOD): ****?

Phantom (MOD): ****

Phantom (MOD): @Pharaoh (MOD) Did you do this?

Pharaoh (MOD): Oops, I forgot about that.

Phantom (MOD): We’re in the middle of a crisis and you do this to me. Unbelievable.

JACK FENTON: this gives me a great idea!!!!!!!!! :)

[@JACK FENTON has been permanently banned.]

[@JACK FENTON has been restricted from viewing forum posts.]

Phrontist (MOD): I’m not angry. I just want to know who gave him access to the forums again.

Phantom (MOD): ****.

Pharaoh (MOD): Crud, I thought I fixed that. I’ll be back on it after I figure out how Mr. Not Supposed to Be Here got back in.

Phantom (MOD): Oh you did. I’m just swearing for real now.

AMITY OF AMITY PARK: A Friendly Helping Hand

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Forums -> Community Alerts -> Paranormal Investigators

Thread: Paranormal Investigator Discussion Board (PINNED)

Phantom (MOD) (OP): As you may have heard by now, three separate groups of out of town paranormal investigators will be coming to Amity Park next week. These groups range from experienced to clueless and well-regarded to unknown. They will all be attempting to film ghosts and humans for their viewers. Please use this board to post any information you have about these or other groups who may be coming as well as any ideas you have for preventing these groups from successfully spreading more information about our ghosts.

Additionally, certain local ghost hunters may attempt to film and post videos online during this time. As they will undoubtedly complicate the Paranormal Investigator situation, they may be discussed here as well.

Point25Back: why are you saying lOcaL gHoSt HunTeRS we all know its [EDITED BY MOD]

[@Point25Back has been banned for one (1) day.]

Pharaoh (MOD): Speaking of people who are banned, why do we keep letting him back in when he keeps breaking the rules?

Phantom (MOD) (OP): He hasn’t tried to dissect anyone yet. Puts him ahead of the curve.

Pharaoh (MOD): Our standards are so low.

Lovetheshow: we're getting a crossover? two crossovers? Best. Day. Ever.

Valorous1: @MOD Maybe I'm not the one who should say this but is this guy even from Amity? Or Elmerton?

Pharaoh (MOD): Yeah, we checked.

AMITY OF AMITY PARK: A Friendly Helping Hand

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Forums -> Community Alerts -> Paranormal Investigators

Thread: Why are we even trying to stop this?

West of West (OP): I think my question says it all, but just in case it doesn’t, why are we trying to stop the TRUTH from getting out? It sounds like someone has an ulterior motive. I say, let the Investigators in. Tell them everything. Let the world know.

Valorous1: If you try to convince any of these idiots that any of the humans in town are ghosts, I will not be responsible for what I do to you.

ashtree: of course you watch the investigators

West of West (OP): It’s the Investigation!

[THREAD LOCKED BY MODS. DELETION PENDING.]

AMITY OF AMITY PARK: A Friendly Helping Hand

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Forums -> Forum Bugs and Complaints -> Complaints

Thread: THE MODS ARE BIASED TYRANTS

West of West (OP): The mods keep deleting my perfectly reasonable and on-topic threads. This is tyranny. We need new mods.

nobineryginger: why haven’t they deleted this one then lol man bro you just gotta follow the roleplay rules

West of West (OP): THIS ISN’T A ROLEPLAY.

Phantom (MOD): @nobineryginger It’s because we think it’s funny.

passthemike: Make your own site if it bothers you that much.

AMITY OF AMITY PARK: A Friendly Helping Hand

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Advice Blog

Chapter 3 Chapter Text

AMITY OF AMITY PARK: A Friendly Helping Hand

Ghost Activity Map, Forums, Local Business Directory, Advice Blog

Forums -> Community Alerts -> Paranormal Investigators

Thread: I have an idea

Tubalover (OP): I have an idea but I need to know how cool @Phantom (MOD) the real Phantom is with fake dating before I say it.

Phantom (MOD): I’m okay with fake dating fakeout makeouts whatever but I have standards.

Tubalover (OP): I said I need the rela phantom.

Phantom (MOD): How do you know I’m not the real Phantom?

Tubalover (OP): He uses better punctuation.

The Smart Twin: Incredibly, I think she’s right?

Thecooltwin: Lol and you call youreself the smart one y didn’t you notice this

Phantom (MOD): Like my counterpart said, I’m fine with fake dating, but I do have standards.

Tubalover (OP): GREAT. So the idea is that in every shot of the Investigators we get someone to make out in the background so they can’t air it.

Lovetheshow: don’t most shows have kissing in them?

Tubalover (OP): Maybe. But do they have GAY kissing? Background of every shot we have a gay couple or lesbian couple. They’re a national show right? Noway they can put it up. And if they film you you can just grab a buddy and kiss them.

Roswell’s Child: I bet @West of West would LOVE to get in on this

tubahater: despite my hate for tubas I love you, yet desptie my love for you, I have to ask: do you know what a ‘live’ means when applied to a TV show?

CasperQueen: Girl this has got to be the most convoluted plan I’ve ever seen to avoid asking out a crush.

12th Knight: To be frank, if I heard that an episode of an on-site reality television show was pulled because there were too many gay people kissing in the background, I would be more tempted to visit, not less.

Tubalover (OP): Everyone shut up.

AMITY OF AMITY PARK: A Friendly Helping Hand

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Forums -> Ghosts -> Phantom -> Speculation

Thread: What ARE Phantom’s standards?

Point25Back (OP): What are Phantom’s standards for fake dating someone? Asking for a friend who’s too shy.

Phantom (MOD): i like girls that can beat me aup and buffcomputer ners

Phantom (MOD): THAT WASN’T ME! THAT WASN’T ME! @The Cooler Phantom IF WE WEREN’T ALREADY DEAD I WOULD KILL YOU.

AMITY OF AMITY PARK: A Friendly Helping Hand

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Forums -> Local Businesses -> Discussion

Thread: Weird at my gym

GET-GAINS (OP): Anyone know why we got so many teenagers trying to get gym memberships at the Body Shop all of a sudden?

My Hair: You don’t want to know.

12th Knight: I certainly wish I didn’t.

AMITY OF AMITY PARK: A Friendly Helping Hand

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Forums -> Community Alerts -> Paranormal Investigators

Thread: Possible solutions for the Investigation

Photosynthesis (MOD) (OP): I and the other mods don’t have great ideas for the other two at the moment, but as far as the ‘investigators’ go, I think we might be able to scam them by showing them obviously fake ghosts. Cheap Halloween decorations, hoaky effects, people giggling in the background, that kind of thing. Thing is, to cover all the places they might go, we’re going to need a lot of people and a lot of materials. I’d like to hear other people’s thoughts on this, and if they’d be willing to pitch in.

Point25Back: that’s easy, just get [EDITED BY MOD] to do all of it. his haunted house room sucked so hard that [EDITED BY MOD]

[@Point25back has been banned for two (2) days.]

Pharaoh (MOD): @Photosynthesis (MOD) I’m begging you to just let me permaban him.

Photosynthesis (MOD): I’m loath to ban someone with that much roid rage and that much access to your meat body. But to stay on topic, we can’t just force one person to do this. It’s too much work.

12th Knight: When you say ‘roid rage,’ that’s rhetorical, right?

12th Knight: @Photosynthesis (MOD) Right?

Roswell’s Child: idk groups like this usually come prepped to fake their own ghosts. Its like the moon landing

Photosynthesis (MOD): Here we go. I guess it was too much to hope for an actually productive thread.

Phantom (MOD): The moon landing was not faked!

AMITY OF AMITY PARK: A Friendly Helping Hand

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Forums -> Community Alerts -> Paranormal Investigators

Thread: But what if Roswell’s Child has a point?

Bog Mummy (OP): I’m not talking about the moon thing, but about that old post where she was trying to make out that a certain someone who won’t be named because I don’t want to be banned was a cryptid. What if we put that certain someone in a bad Phantom cosplay and chuck him in front of Cryptid Crawl/Crawly/whatever his/her/their/whatever name is. Make CC think that it was always part of the ghost scam.

passthemike: Crawly is they/them.

Phantom (MOD): Actually, I like this idea.

Phantom (MOD): I think there might be some tech we can get from Fentonworks to make it more realistic too.

Passthemike: So who’s going to do it?

Roswell’s Child: I nominate @West of West

Roswell’s Child: No wait wait amigos @Phantom (MOD) sohuld do it can you imagine

Pharaoh (MOD): @Phantom (MOD) You should do it. Alive you, I mean.

ashtree: OMG that would be epic and so ironic

Bog Mummy (OP): Roswell you might be a genius just for this.

CasperQueen: Please. As if he could capture even a fraction of Phantom’s natural charisma.

ashtree: That’s the point lol

Bog Mummy (OP): Think about it. What would be lamer that some random loser kid running a hoax for some random loser town for tourism points.

Phantom (MOD): Gee thanks. (I think.)

Roswell’s Child: And think about whow west is gonna react. Thisll be epic amigos.

Photosynthesis (MOD): Don’t let it go to your head.

Phantom (MOD): But didn’t you want me for that other thing? The one we were talking about in the chat?

Pharaoh (MOD): No way. This is much funnier.

West of West: ARE YOU ******* KIDDING ME

Pharaoh (MOD): See what I mean?

Mod Chat

Phantom (MOD): Okay. So. How are we going to divide this up?

Phantom (MOD): I’m thinking we take the GGBE and try and get everyone else to distract the other guys, since the GGBE are the most actively dangerous ones.

Phrontist (MOD): I don’t know how I feel about you directly interacting with people who want to kill you.

Phantom (MOD): Technically they don’t want to kill me.

Phrontist (MOD): We don’t have to do all that much with them, anyway, do we? They already know that there are ghosts. Can’t we just… I don’t know, hack into their cameras or something?

Pharaoh (MOD): Yeah, I’ve been working on it in between banning you know who.

Phrontist (MOD): Sorry…

Phantom (MOD): I’m less worried about whatever videos they have and more worried about them steamrolling other people. Or running in front of the investigation or cryptid guys while they’re filming.

Photosynthesis (MOD): Ugh yeah. I’ve been lurking the hunter forums, and one guy there said he’d gottne mauled by the tiger at some point.

Phantom (MOD): Oh yeah, I think that happened to Lance Thunder, too.

Photosynthesis (MOD): It’s incredibly unethical for them to even have a tiger. Who’s letting them keep it after it’s mauled two people???

Photosynthesis (MOD): Do you think we could call animal control on them?

Photosynthesis (MOD): I’m going to go hop over to the city services forums.

Pharaoh (MOD): Good luck.

Pharaoh (MOD): But, yeah, I think that you being a distraction for the GGBE is a good call. How are going to handle it?

Phantom (MOD): I was thinking I could lead them out to that old industrial park and then play hide and seek. Or maybe let them stay in the city, but whenever they got too close to something or too destructive, I’d show up and lead them away? And you guys can spot me and run interference.

Phrontist (MOD): I guess that if you have to, that would be the way to do it.

Phantom (MOD): Thanks for the ringing endorsement, sis.

Phantom (MOD): Okay NOW what are we doing.

Phantom (MOD): I mean, if I’m running around disguised as myself, I can’t very well be distracting the blasters.

Photosynthesis (MOD): Don’t worry about it. We’ll figure something out.

AMITY OF AMITY PARK: A Friendly Helping Hand

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Forums -> Forum Development and Suggestions -> Suggestions

Thread: Videos and music?

Roswell’s Child (OP): I have some epic videos of my cousing reacting and also UFOs but I can’t upload them. Is that feature coming anytime soon????? I’d love to do it. cYou mods do it sometimes and I want to shareeeeeeeee!!

Photosynthesis (MOD): Mod Pharaoh would usually answer these, but he’s busy right now, so you’re stuck with tech unsavvy me. It’s my understanding that video hosting takes a lot of space. Space takes money. We… don’t have a lot of that, so we restrict video capability to Advice Blog posts hosted on our home servers. If your video isn’t of a sensitive subject, you can upload it to another video hosting site and then link it. However, be aware that the GIW does monitor internet traffic from Amity Park and has been known to take down ghost-related videos and other information, and even seize the physical equipment such videos are stored on. Also, mods may remove links to videos that are bigoted or explicit.

merknlurk: i hate living in this ******* dystopian country

merknlurk: can’t even swear without getting censored

Photosynthesis (MOD): @merknlurk Suck it up and make your own secret website that the government won’t shut down, then.

AMITY OF AMITY PARK: A Friendly Helping Hand

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Forums -> Community Alerts -> Paranormal Investigators

Thread: An idea 🎂🍰

⭐MENU⭐MAVEN⭐: I have the most 🍪💟delicious💟🍪 idea for how to distract the 👻🔫s, children. It’s quite obvious that anyone who is going around doing these things did not receive proper NUTRITION 🧂 🥓 🥚 🍳 🧇 🥞 🍞 🥐 🥨 🥯 🥖 🧀 🥗 🥙 🥪 🌮 🌯 🍗 🍖 🥩 🍠 🥟 🥝 🥥 🍇 🍈 🍉 🍊 🍋 🍌 🍍 🥭 🍎 🍏 🍐 🍑 🍒 🍓 🍅 🍆 🌽 🌶 🍄 🥑 🥒 🥬 🥦 🥔 🧄 🧅 🥕 growing up. THEREFORE the only logical option is to bake a giant 🎂. I will of course supply my expertise.

FootballPoet: Wait, dude, how did you get emojis?

TECHNUS (MODEST OF MODS): нⷩAͣ! Iͥᴛⷮ IͥS͛ Iͥ,̓ ᴛⷮEͤCͨнⷩNUͧS͛,̓ MⷨAͣS͛ᴛⷮEͤRͬ OͦF AͣLL ᴛⷮнⷩIͥNGS͛ EͤLEͤCͨᴛⷮRͬOͦNIͥCͨ AͣNDͩ ВⷡEͤEͤРⷬIͥNG! Iͥ ВⷡEͤCͨAͣMⷨEͤ AͣWAͣRͬEͤ OͦF YOͦUͧRͬ VͮIͥDͩEͤOͦ-̄LAͣCͨᴋⷦIͥNG S͛ᴛⷮAͣᴛⷮEͤ AͣNDͩ нⷩAͣVͮEͤ AͣРⷬРⷬLIͥEͤDͩ MⷨY EͤXͯРⷬEͤRͬᴛⷮIͥS͛Eͤ ᴛⷮOͦ MⷨAͣᴋⷦEͤ ᴛⷮнⷩIͥS͛ AͣРⷬРⷬ РⷬOͦРⷬ OͦFF GOͦVͮEͤRͬNOͦRͬ!

tubahater: Is this some kind of joke?

Tubalover: What the heck did I just read?

Valorous1: Is that a ghost? Is that a ghost? Since when are ghosts on here? @MOD are you going to do anything about this?

The Cooler Phantom: ghost s have leays been here val u no that

Valorous1: I didn’t mean you, you’re different.

12th Knight: Regardless of whether or not there are ghosts on here in general, isn’t Technus the one who wrecked the computer lab at the high school last month?

Phantom (MOD): As long as they aren’t hurting anyone, I don’t really care.

Pharaoh (MOD): @Valorous1 I can only handle one crisis at a time and I’ve got at least four. Deal.

Cynosure: @Pharaoh (MOD) So, that’s the paranormal people, the guy who keeps unbanning himself, these guys, and what else?

Phantom (MOD): What three isn’t enough for you? Let the guy have his rhetorical device.

Pharaoh (MOD): I’ve got a paper due at school.

My Hair!: You’re in school? Please tell me you’re talking about the community college.

Phantom (MOD): Oh ancients I forgot I’m going to die.

My Hair!: You’re in school?

My Hair!: Phantom?

nobineryginger: hey if we can get back on track i’m really into this cake idea like yum

Locker724: Yeah! This plan sounds like the bee’s knees!

Chapter 4 Notes:

Adding a couple more prompts this chapter!
Prompt by Care: Dani has been hitchhiking around America for a while now. She's made a bit of a name for herself, as a mysterious hitchhiker who disappears after you pick her up. When a ghost-hunting TV show starts looking for her, she decides to mess with them a bit.
Prompt by Raven: For reasons not totally clear to anyone involved, the Casper High student body is required to work together and bake a single, massive cake. With students unable to opt out, and the situations lack of clarity, chaos ensues rapidly

Chapter Text

Transcript of a voicemail message left in the inbox of Daniel Fenton:

Hi, Danny! Guess who’s coming to visit their favorite cousin! Yeah! It’s me! I’ll be by in a couple weeks or so. Are there any hotels that are good to camp out at while I’m in town? Can’t wait to see you guys! Bye!

Transcript of a voicemail message left in the inbox of Daniel Fenton:

It’s me! I’m still making good progress, I think? I’ve been trying out hitchhiking- it’s so funny to see people’s faces after you disappear on them. You’d think that they never picked up hitchhikers before. Lol. Is it okay to say that out loud? Lol. It sounds kinda funny. Anyway, I’m in Louisiana right now. New Orleans was great. See ya soon!

Transcript of a voicemail message left in the inbox of Dani Phantom:

Dani, don’t take this the wrong way, but did you learn how to hitchhike from watching horror movies?

Transcript of a voicemail message left in the inbox of Valerie Gray:

Hey, Val, this, um, this is Dani! Yeah, I know, I know, I never call, you want to know how I got this number, that kind of stuff, but I kind of wound up in an embarrassing situation, and before I call my cousin, I need to know if you know anything about a group of ghost hunters that calls itself the ‘Investigation?’ I will really owe you one. Thanks.

Transcript of a voicemail message left in the inbox of Daniel Fenton:

Soooo, hey, cuz, you might have been right about disappearing and attracting the wrong sort of attention. I’ve picked up a couple of ghost hunting types. But don’t worry! They suck so much. Like, they’re indescribably bad. So bad, I’m not even sure they’re really ghost hunters. They’re setting up this rube goldberg stuff. They’re filming for like TV or something, and I need some prank ideas. Need need need need. Prank. Ideas. Call me back when you get this!

Transcript of a voicemail message left in the inbox of Daniel Fenton:

Danny, this is Jazz. I just saw some of the people here watching a video called ‘Cryptid Crawl,’ and it mentioned Amity Park. And you. I’m pretty busy here, so I don’t have a lot of time to look into it, but, you know. Wanted to let you know. Hope you’re having a good week, bye!

Transcript of a voicemail message left in the inbox of Jasmine Fenton:

–lieve I missed her, she just called like ten minutes ago. Anyway, I looked into it, Jazz. I don’t think they’ll be too much of a problem, but thanks for letting me know. Have a good time at your thing.

Transcript of a voicemail message left in the inbox of Jasmine Fenton:

Jazz, we have a problem, check the Amity of Amity boards.

Transcript of a voicemail message left in the inbox of Jack Fenton:

Dad, this is Jazz. You know I’m on those message boards, right? The forums? Please, please do not start running around town with a video camera. Do not put cameras on the GAV. Do not post anything ghost related online. Don’t. Just don’t. Do you remember the cease and desist orders from when you and Mom blanketed all of the radio channels in town with anti-ghost static? It’s like that. You don’t want to be labeled as a public hazard for something other than your driving, do you? Don’t. Do. It. I love you, bye!

Transcript of a voicemail message left in the inbox of Jasmine Fenton:

What the heck did you say to Dad?

Transcript of a voicemail message left in the inbox of Jasmine Fenton:

Jazz, I say this in the most loving way I can: if you gave him this idea, I may commit sororicide.

Transcript of a voicemail message left in the inbox of Madeline Walker-Fenton:

Mom, this is Jazz. Do you know what Dad’s working on? It’s got Danny freaking out. Call me back when you get this. I love you, bye!

Transcript of a voicemail message left in the inbox of Jasmine Fenton:

*Heavy breathing* They’re mounting cameras on the GAV. They’ve made a YouTube channel. I don’t want our house to get raided by the GIW, Jazz.

Transcript of a voicemail message left in the inbox of Madeline Walker-Fenton:

Mom, this is Jazz. I know your phone didn’t ‘suddenly lose signal.’ Either call me back or I’m coming home from Model UN early.

Transcript of a voicemail message left in the inbox of Madeline Walker-Fenton:

Mom, this is Jazz. If I come home and government agents have been in my room, I’m going to lose it.

Transcript of a voicemail message left in the inbox of Vladimir Masters:

Vlad, this is Jazz. Dad and Mom are going to try to film a YouTube show about ghost hunting. If you don’t help Danny find some way to stop them, I’m going to suggest to Dad that he give you a shout out every five minutes so everyone knows what good friends you are. Don’t tell Danny about this call. Or else. You know what I’m talking about.

Transcript of a voicemail message left in the inbox of Daniel Fenton:

So, Daniel, I hear that you have a little problem regarding your idiot father’s sudden desire for internet celebrity. If you need assistance, I’m more than willing to… negotiate. I’ll be waiting.

Transcript of a voicemail message left in the inbox of Daniel Fenton:

Very well. Silence is also a worthwhile bargaining technique. In truth, such an… expose would harm me as well. As such, we should work together.

Transcript of a voicemail message left in the inbox of Daniel Fenton:

Daniel, call me back, your sister is blackmailing me.

Transcript of a voicemail message left in the inbox of Dani Phantom:

*High pitched* OoooooooOOOOOoooooOOOOOoooohhhhhh, I’m Danny Phantom and I have weird opinions about how other people hitchhike oooooooooohhhh.

*Distantly* Dani, give me back my phone you little gremlin!

OoooooooOOOOOOOOooooohhhhh I just got notified by– Oh! Hahahahah! Time for chaos. Lessee here– I… like… girls… that can… beat me up… and… buff… computer… nerds… That’s how you spell nerds, ri–

*More closely* Dani!

He found m–!

*The call ends with a series of thumps.*

Transcript of a voicemail message left in the inbox of Dani Phantom:

Heya, Dani, this’s Val. I know you’re in the forums, but I wanted to ask you this more privately. Those guys who were following your hitchhiking act a few weeks back, were they called ‘the Investigation’ or something like that? It’s important, so call me back or DM me.

Transcript of a voicemail message left in the inbox of the Boo-langerie:

Hello, my name is William Lancer, and I work at Casper High School. The school is trying to arrange a ‘Community Cake Day’ as part of our home economics, hospitality vocational training, and ghost survival training courses. If your business is interested in participating, please call us back. Community Cake Day will be fully sponsored by MasterSoft.

Transcript of a voicemail message left in the inbox of Poltergeist Pastries:

Transcript of a voicemail message left in the inbox of Creep-tastic Catering:

Transcript of a voicemail message left in the inbox of Lance Thunder:

Hello, my name is William Lancer, and I work at Casper High School. The school is trying to arrange a ‘Community Cake Day’ as part of our home economics, hospitality vocational training, and ghost survival training courses. We thought Ghost Watch and the APNN might be interested in covering the event. Please let us know if this is the case. Community Cake Day will be fully sponsored by MasterSoft.

Transcript of a voicemail message left in the inbox of Final Rest-aurant Supply:

Hello, my name is William Lancer, and I’m calling to confirm Casper High’s order. Your transcript of the order is correct. We do want that much flour. Thank you.

Chapter 5 Chapter Text

“Hey, Kwan, you’re in Home Ec., right?”

It was kind of funny to see that kind of haunted, hunted look on a big, bulky jock, but this was Amity Park. Hannah got to see that expression whenever Fenton had to go to the bathroom.

“Listen, I’m not going to blame you for this. I just want to know… why?”

“I don’t know,” said Kwan. “I think there might have been something about it on the forums, but I thought it was just a joke.”

Hannah had seen the same thread. She hadn’t thought it was connected.

“Isn’t that the one the ghosts were in?”

“Ghosts? Come on, haha,” said Kwan. “Those guys were just roleplaying, like whatever Nost and Kyle are doing.”

Hannah briefly closed her eyes. “No, Kwan, they aren’t roleplaying. Kyle doesn’t even believe in aliens .”

“No one believes in aliens. That’s just you.”

“Lots of people believe in aliens. I didn’t make up the whole UFO enthusiast community. More importantly, you don’t think this is, like, a Spectra thing, do you?”

“Man, I hope not. Mrs. Tetslaff said this was mandatory and worth twenty percent of our whole grade!”

“It isn’t worth twenty percent of your grade, Mr. Kwan,” said Mr. Lancer, materializing ghostlike out of nowhere. He was wearing a bright pink apron with the words Eat, Pray, Love embroidered on it in big, loopy, cursive. “It is, however, mandatory.”

“How much of my grade is it worth, then?” asked Kwan.

Mr. Lancer sighed. “Zero. But, as I said, it is still mandatory.”

“But why? ” asked Hannah.

Mr. Lancer stared at her for a long minute. “If I tell you,” he said, finally, “I know it’ll be all over the school within an hour.”

“No, it won’t. I can keep a secret.”

“You can’t, but that’s besides the point. If it comes from you, I’ll have plausible deniability if the GIW come around.”

“That’s mean.” She turned to Kwan. “Did you hear what he just said to me? Like I’m not trustworthy?”

“You aren’t trustworthy. One time I left the room for a minute and when I came back you and your friends had made Mikey cry and you had coated the floor with whipped cream.”

“That wasn’t me.”

“You were holding the whipped cream can.”

“I was framed,” said Hannah.

Mr. Lancer closed his eyes and sighed. “The cake idea was the only one that got any widespread traction on the Amity forums. There were, apparently, already some talks about doing something with it on some of the community and business boards. But we only got into it when Mayor Masters offered to fund the whole thing.”

Hannah gasped. “You’re on the forums.”

“Despite my age, I do know how to work a computer.”

“But,” said Kwan, “what if it is a ghost thing? What if the cake is evil? What if the cake is a lie? ”

“It probably is a ghost thing,” allowed Mr. Lancer, “but since Phantom of all people is endorsing it, I think it will be fine. Also, you’re going to be making the cakes, so if the cakes wind up evil…” He trailed off. “I need to go make some more arrangements before we leave. You two should report to your first period classes.”

“I can’t believe you and Vlad got the whole school roped into this,” said Sam, kicking a bit of loose gravel off the path. “What even was the point of this?”

Danny shrugged. “It was the best idea we had?” he offered.

“Just because people liked it doesn’t mean it’s going to be functional,” complained Sam.

“I think people liking it might actually make it more functional,” said Tucker. “Just saying.”

“I guess,” said Sam. “But what are you going to do if everyone does come to this cake thing, including the paranormal investigator people? What then?”

“Come on,” said Danny, “what kind of self-respecting paranormal investigators are going to go to a Community Cake Day when there are ghouls and goblins about?”

“You think these people are self-respecting?”

“A ‘Community Cake Day,’ huh?” said Ned. “You didn’t mention that in your research.”

“That’s because it didn’t come up in my research,” said Az, scowling at the paper taped to the telephone pole. “It didn’t exist.”

“It’s sponsored by MasterSoft.”

“MasterSoft doesn’t sponsor anything. That has to be a lie.”

“Well, Vlad Masters is the mayor, right? Maybe the guy just really likes cake. Speaking of which, we could swing by after filming. Load up on some free cake.”

“Absolutely not!” shouted the producer. “Do you know how many self-respecting paranormal investigators are seen at tacky small town cake-offs? None! Sip! Silch! Nada! Get into positions! And Jimmy… please, try to emote just a little. Susan! Where’s my coffee?”

“‘What self-respecting paranormal investigator,’” repeated Ned mockingly. “If we were self-respecting, we wouldn’t be doing this.”

“We were doing it before,” pointed out Az.

“We were in college before. No one in college has any respect for anything, right, Jimmy?”

“Hn.”

Az patted Jimmy on the shoulder. “Look at it this way. Most of that cake is made by high schoolers. They have even less respect for everything. And there’s hardly anyone on the streets. That makes it more spooky. A real ghost town vibe.”

“Right,” said Ned. “Real spooky.”

“Welcome back, cryptid crawlers, to the latest entry in our cryptid crawl across the continental US! Today finds us in lovely Amity Park, Illinois, as promised.” Crawly turned slightly to frame the ‘Welcome to Amity Park! A Nice Place to Live!’ sign with their hands, before squaring themself to the camera again. “With me today is my cameraman Bill. Say hi, Bill!”

Bill briefly turned the handheld camera towards his own face, then rotated it to point at Crawly again.

“We all owe Bill a huge thank you, because without him, you’d be getting this on my GoPro. Anyway. Amity Park. Well, my first impression is that it is a little beaten up. Lots of… weirdly shaped potholes. They’re in the sidewalks, too. Usually you don’t get a great view of those in videos.” Crawly skirted one hole. “This does look sort of humanoid-shaped, doesn’t it? Weird. But, anyway, beyond being beaten up, Amity Park looks fairly average for a town, which is par for the course. Fresno is a completely normal town, too, after all. Weird things are normal, so you find weird things in normal places. Most cryptids don’t live in the Himalayas, and with cities causing habitat destruction to the point where even well-known animals like bears and deer are becoming urbanized–” They’d have to fact check that sentence before they posted the edited video. They weren’t sure it was actually true. “--cryptids, too, are moving into cities.” They nodded sharply at this conclusion.

“Although… It is a little quiet, isn’t it? Bill, what do you think?”

“Eh, you might be right,” said Bill. “But sometimes small cities get their rush hours at different times.”

“I suppose,” said Crawly, already turning away. “Right, so, for this next bit, we’re just going to walk around for a while. We can interview anyone we come across. Then, we’ll go investigate the phantom’s,” they snickered, “ haunts.” A colorful flier on a nearby telephone pole caught Crawly’s eye and they paused. “Oh, hey, there’s a community event happening! That must be where all the people are. They’re making cakes. Want to go when we’re done filming?”

“Sounds good to me,” said Bill.

“Then it’s a plan!”

One good thing about impulsively telling everyone he shared his forum account with the ‘real’ Phantom was that Danny didn’t get beaten up or dragged out into unused hallways after class all that much anymore.

Of course, it still happened now and again. Like today. Although today it wasn’t actually between classes, but in that weird gap between roll call and when they got their assignments with the caterers and bakers. He’d somehow lost track of Sam and Tucker in the rush, but he wasn’t particularly worried.

“Fenton,” said Dash, more nasally than usual.

“Baxter.” Danny made a face. “Are you, like, sick or something?”

“No,” said Dash, who was distinctly red-eyed.

“Have you been…” Danny decided against accusing Dash of crying. “Smoking?”

“I’d never jeopardize our chances at state playoffs!”

“Oh!” exclaimed Paulina. “Just give him the stuff so you can stop posturing. Here!” She shoved a bag at him.

“Uh,” said Danny, hugging the bag to his chest. “What is this?”

“Your costume.”

“Uh. What?”

“For messing with the out of town dude. Dudette?”

“I think someone said they were nonbinary in the forums,” said Danny, bewildered. He had his own incredibly tacky Phantom costume, and he wasn’t just talking about the one he wore on a daily basis.

“Whatever. We’re just making sure you actually show up and do what you said you’d do, so Phantom isn’t left with the mess you caused.”

Danny wasn’t sure why Dash was blaming him for this particular mess, but he’d long ago given up on trying to understand Dash. However… “Why wouldn’t I have done what I said I was going to do?” He directed the question more at Paulina.

Dash snorted. “You can’t even run a forum account by yourself. If we didn’t make you do it, you’d half-a–”

“Mr. Baxter.”

The three of them turned towards the voice. Mr. Lancer stood at the end of the hallway, eyes glittering.

“I’m glad I found you three before anything… unfortunate… occurred. Mr. Baxter, Miss Sanchez, your cohort is working with the team from Creep-tastic Catering in the Culinary Arts kitchen.”

“Come on, Dash,” said Paulina, walking down the hallway. “We don’t want to leave our friends waiting.”

“Your friends are looking for you, Mr. Fenton,” said Mr. Lancer.

“Okay,” said Danny, “thanks. Um.”

Mr. Lancer sighed heavily. “The three of you have been excluded from all the group lists. It wasn’t my idea.”

“And we never had this conversation,” said Danny, solemnly.

“That’s not what I– Oh, what does it matter? Avoid the actual hunters while you’re wearing all of that, will you?”

“That’s the plan.”

Mr. Lancer’s next sigh was even heavier.

“... and that’s about the gist of it,” said the woman from Poltergeist Pastries. “Any questions?”

About a dozen hands went up, including Star’s. The woman looked… intimidated.

“You there,” she said, pointing somewhere in Star’s general vicinity.

Star would take it. “Do you know why we’re doing this?” she asked.

“It’s a community outreach–”

“No, I mean, why are we really doing this?” clarified Star. “How is this going to help with the problem?”

“The only problem I see around here is a lack of delicious cakes!”

“Uh,” said Star.

“No, really,” said the woman, wringing her hands together. “I think it will help. And don’t worry,” she continued, pitching her voice even louder, “after you finish your individual and group cakes and have them assessed by our esteemed judges, you’ll be able to participate in the world-record breaking massive cake bake, where we will work together to make a single twenty-five by twenty-five meter square sheet cake.” She beamed at them. “Doesn’t that sound like fun?”

“Yeah!” said Ms. Tetslaff, their teacher chaperone. “We’re going to bake this cake and get those tourists out of here! Who’s with me?” She pumped a fist in the air.

Star was beginning to wonder if she had fallen into some bizarre mirror universe.

Danny stepped intangibly through a wall. He still had things to do, and he was running low on time. For all he knew, Crawly was already in town.

“Hey!” he shouted, getting the attention of everyone there. “Is everyone here?” He scanned the crowd. “Where’s Dani?”

“I am only the master of all things electronic and beeping,” said Technus, shrugging, “not unruly, sneaky, teenagers that call my hair ‘whack.’”

Danny groaned and rubbed his hands down the sides of his face. He didn’t know if he’d have time to find her. “Skulker?”

“I don’t hunt clones. Only the originals!”

“There is something seriously wrong with you. LL, I’ve done what I can to make sure everything is the way you wanted it.”

“We’ll see, ghost boy. Cookie?”

“No, I– Oh, fine. It’s not like it’s cursed or anything, is it?”

“It depends on whether or not you’re allergic to peanuts.”

Danny took the cookie but didn’t eat it. “Is it cursed if I’m not allergic to peanuts?”

“... No.”

Well, that was unconvincing. Danny put the cookie down on a nearby plate. “Anyway, you guys follow your end of the deal, I’ll follow mine. Are we still good?”

“THE BOX GHOST WISHES TO KNOW IF THERE WILL BE ANY BOX CAKES!”

“I don’t know, probably,” said Danny. “Everyone else? Are we good?”

There was a faint murmur of agreement.

“Great. Be aware that if you cause any trouble, I will make you regret it.”

“We’ll make a proper ghost out of you yet, dipstick!”

“Why do all of your compliments sound like you want to kill me?”

“Probably because they do!”

“Thank you, Sidney. I’ve got to go before the cryptid people fall into a trans-dimensional pothole Vlad didn’t bother to pave or something stupid.”

“Hey, Val.”

Valerie jumped backwards and clutched at her chest. “Don’t do that to people who are trying to sneak away from somewhere.”

Dani snickered. “Don’t worry, I have it on pretty good authority that there is life after death.”

“Don’t joke about that.”

“O kay, ” said Dani, rising the rest of the way out of the ground. “So. You still up for some mayhem?”

Valerie raised an eyebrow. “What kind of mayhem were you thinking about?”

“Okay,” said Tucker, using his stylus to poke at a map of Amity on his PDA. “According to this… we’ve got… The TV people over here… the internet people over here… and the ghost hunters here…”

“And my parents?”

“Unclear,” said Tucker. “However…” He raised his stylus. “Do you hear that?”

“Yeah,” said Danny. “It’s the GAV. Loud as usual.”

“I think it’s probably somewhere north of Descarte and… east… Maybe east of fifteenth?”

“I think it’s closer than that. Fourteenth,” said Sam.

“Yeah, that could be right.”

“Great,” said Danny. “So, as planned, then?”

Tucker and Sam nodded. “As planned.”

Chapter 6 Chapter Text

The problem– The main problem– The– Okay, the problem that was pertinent at the moment was that the hunters, cryptid and otherwise, had to leave having seen nothing even remotely interesting, nothing that could be a draw for tourists.

That meant that, whatever else they did, they could not be seen being anything other than unbelievably lame by the general population. Of course, the best way to do that would be to keep them from seeing anything.

The very first piece of prep work Danny and Tucker had done was getting into Jack’s YouTube account and setting it to private. That was, however, a temporary measure, and in addition to not wanting tourists flooding into Amity Park, Danny didn’t want his parents in hot water with the GIW. Again.

Once they filmed, Jack or Maddie could upload videos at any time, so something that would have to be done afterward was getting back into the account, deleting the videos, and corrupting the original files. Not too difficult, considering that Danny lived with them, had a hacker friend, and could possess technology.

But for the other groups? Especially the ones that were filming live? Not so much.

They could not see. Any measures Danny and the others took to stop them had to look either like local kids playing pranks, incompetence, or nothing at all. Luckily, they were local kids playing pranks, and there was a lot of incompetence going around, lately.

Danny and Tucker ran through eerily empty streets, listening for the GAV. They paused, seeing the GAV hurtle past the mouth of an alleyway.

“Okay, well,” said Tucker, “there it is. You sure you want to do this?”

“Yeah,” said Danny. “Who else is going to?” He went ghost. “Show me again where the GGBE are.”

Tucker held up the PDA and pointed.

“Okay, yeah, I can do that,” said Danny. “I can do that. Sam, you still managing?”

“ Haven’t made contact yet, ” admitted Sam, over the Fenton Phones. “ This wig is surprisingly high quality, by the way. ”

“Cool,” said Danny. “Remember, call us if you need help.”

“ I’m dealing with two completely normal YouTubers who think you’re some kind of endangered species, not ex-military super-spies.”

“He kind of is an endangered species, though. Even Skulker says so.”

Danny shook his head and pushed off from the ground. “Can hybrids even be considered a species?” he asked.

“The New Mexico Whiptail–”

“It was a rhetorical question!”

William Monroe Delaney Montrose Woods the Fourth, generally known as Bill, was remarkable for three reasons beyond his name. The first was that he absolutely and entirely believed in the existence of cryptids and loved helping Crawly, who he’d met in college, with their YouTube channel.

The second was that he was a former Navy Seal, discharged due to an elbow injury that had never healed right.

The third was that his last job was in data analytics… for the CIA. Nothing special. He just collated data in a nice, boring, quiet room. He’d hardly call himself a super-spy. And he’d quit. Too stressful.

But… All his training did have the side effect of giving him a very good sense for when he was being followed.

He tried to watch the figure out of the corner of his eyes, excited. Finally, he was going to see a real life cryptid. He’d just have to be careful… it was clearly trying to stay out of direct view… he didn’t want to spook it. Crawly hadn’t noticed yet, either. He’d have to figure out some way to let them know. Maybe he could angle the camera towards the cryptid…

“Oh my gosh, Bill, look!” Crawly jabbed a finger at the space behind his shoulder, and Bill quickly turned to see something black and white skittering around a corner. “Quick! Chase it! This is a once in a lifetime opportunity!”

Bill needed no further encouragement. Camera in hand, he ran.

Danny flickered ever so briefly into view in front of the GAV, and to the right. He probably would be picked up on the cameras like this, but, again, his parents’ videos were the only ones he could afford to be caught in. As expected, Jack turned the wheel so hard the GAV rocked up on one set of wheels before slamming back down. Danny reappeared further down the street, at the mouth of another road.

“STOP MOVING, GHOST!” roared Maddie over the intercom.

“YEAH! WE’RE FILMING YOU FOR PUBLIC EDUCATION!” added Jack. “THE PUBLIC NEEDS TO KNOW HOW TO BLAST GHOSTS LIKE YOU TO SHREDS!”

“NOT TO SHREDS, JACK. WE NEED HIM INTACT FOR OUR RESEARCH!”

“OH, YEAH!”

“Wow,” muttered Danny under his breath. “That really makes me want to stop, guys.” He could, just barely, understand them thinking ghosts were evil. He didn’t understand how they were still under the impression that Phantom, specifically, was that unbelievably stupid. “Tuck, am I still on track?”

“Man, I don’t know why you’re asking, you know Amity Park better than I–”

“Why… parkour… expert… how?”

“Uh, Sam?” said Danny. “I think you’re breaking up.”

“I’m being… chased!”

“Maybe I should–”

“Just a few more roads! At the rate your Dad drives, that shouldn’t be any time at all!”

“Sam, can you hold out that long?”

There was no response for a long moment, during which Danny almost lost his lead on the GAV.

“Managed to hide,” said Sam, audibly panting. “ Where did that camera guy come from? He’s built like a tank and he can move.”

Danny let out a sigh of relief. “I’ll be there in just a minute.” He let himself fade into view again, luring his parents down a blind alley. He phased easily through the brick, turning invisible again. He did a quick check to make sure none of the people on the other side were too close to the wall - they weren’t - and that no one saw him - the tiger might have - and then the GAV plowed through the brick wall, sirens blazing and PA system blasting.

“YOU WON’T GET AWAY THIS TIME, GHOST BOY!”

Danny flared his aura, well aware of how that would show up on the GAV’s sensors at this point, and snickered as the GAV crunched over the Groovy Ghost Blasters Extreme’s illegally parked ATVs and dirt bikes in an attempt to get to Danny.

“My bike!” shrieked Brenner.

“Dude, not cool! Dude! ” repeated Sullivan as Jack hit reverse and rolled over the bikes again.

“Okay,” said Vid, pulling out her blaster (a Dalvco ripoff). “We already knew these guys sucked, but this means war.”

She took aim at the GAV. Of course, according to his parents, anything attacking the GAV had to be a–

“GHOOOOOOOOOOOST!” hollered his parents in unison. And then the shooting started in earnest.

Danny didn’t stick around. Unlike all the humans here, he actually could be hurt by most of the weaponry going off.

Besides, Sam needed him.

“Hey,” said Az, falling back slightly as Ned expounded on some made up personal story that had only tangential interest to the actual investigation. “Jimmy. Do you hear that?”

“Hnh,” said Jimmy.

“Like, a sort of electric sound. Like the world’s biggest bug za–” For the fourth time that day, Az tripped over his shoelaces.

“Oh, I know what’s really haunted now. Az’s shoes!”

“Screw you, too,” said Az.

“Yeah, yeah, they’re haunted by the ghost of his coordination.”

Az climbed to his feet and angrily redid his laces. “If you’re doing this somehow–” he started, threateningly.

“No, no,” said Ned, “I don’t need to make this look any more ridiculous than it already is. Are you sure you researched this place?”

“I’m sure,” said Az, gritting his teeth as yet another crepe-paper and balloon ghost drifted down into the camera’s view from who-knew-where. “I researched. Extensively.”

“Because as fun as these are, I don’t think they’re actual ghosts.” He grabbed the balloon and waved it at Az. “Fun times with local pranksters who are really into the whole Halloween aesthetic? Yes. Haunted? No. The way things are looking, Amity Park falls squarely into the hoax category.” He gestured broadly, exaggerating his mannerisms for the camera.

“At least let us get to the next location before you say that, Ned.” He got back to his feet and smiled at the camera. “Locals aside, this place is spooky. An old observatory that was damaged and shut down under mysterious circumstances, it has had numerous reports of lights moving inside, strange sounds, and even the dome opening and the telescope inside moving. Is this the ghost of an astronomer? Or, like certain others believe, something else? ”

“Ugh, don’t remind me of the cryptid YouTubers. Those lights, though, I’m going to bet they’re kids smoking on the sly, or someone squatting.”

“And on the way there, we’ll drive by a few other points of local interest, such as–”

“They’re going to the observatory?” hissed Dani. “They can’t go to the observatory, Danny will flip!”

Valerie looked at her sideways. “Which Danny? Your cousin, or Fenton?”

“Does it matter? Both of them love that place.”

“Didn’t it get shot up by the GIW?”

“Yeah, and that’s why you don’t mention those guys to him. He hates them.”

“He’s… a ghost.”

“Yeah, and the observatory is why human Danny hates them. Keep up.” Dani leaned forward, careful to keep both her feet on Val’s hoverboard. She was the one providing invisibility, after all. “We need to stop them. We need to get… more drastic.”

Valerie made a face and waved a crepe paper ghost at Dani. “I’m not sure how much more drastic we can get without advertising that Amity’s got something to hide.”

Dani scrunched her nose in thought. “Then we don’t do it while hiding anything. We do it while showing off things.”

“Not my hoverboard or your ghostly face, I hope.”

“No. We’re going to take a page from my cousin’s book.”

“We’re going to chase a dog into all their equipment and ruin them financially?”

“I mean, that sounds like a good plan ‘B’ if you’ve got a dog we can use. But, no. How do you feel about fake-out make-outs?”

“Uh, Sam? I’m looking for you, but–”

“ Running… again… swear… last time… I dress up as you.”

“Okay, okay, but where are you?” There was a sort of scraping sound from the Fenton Phones. “Sam?”

“ I’m okay! Nasty Burger.”

“Gotcha.”

Danny changed direction and arrowed down to a very familiar alleyway, where Sam was stripping off her costume. She threw the wig at Danny as soon as she saw him.

“Get ready to run,” she said breathlessly as Danny transformed. “Those weirdos are fast.”

“I don’t know if we have any room to call other people weirdos,” said Danny. He pulled the wig over his hair, then phased the rest of the suit off of Sam, who was struggling with the zipper. He didn’t like his chances of fasting the suit on, though, and phased off his shoes before starting to pull the costume on. The material was much thinner and filmier than his own hazmat suit, and wouldn’t be much protection against, well, anything. “How’d you get away if they were so fast?”

“Cut through Amity Antiques,” said Sam. “Ms. Larson made them go around. No cameras in the store.”

“Smart.” Danny phased his feet back into his shoes.

“Thanks. Contacts.”

“Right, right,” said Danny. He phased his hand through his suit and into his pocket. “Contacts.”

He hated this part. Putting stuff like this in his eyes felt wrong. Worse than swallowing sporks. But, the ‘Amity Park Phantom’ had super noticeable glowing green eyes, so the ‘fake’ Phantom had to as well, and for Danny’s sake, those glowing eyes had to be caused by contacts.

These ones had been produced by his parents after Walker’s invasion. The idea was that a human could use them to walk unmolested among the overshadowed, but when no testing opportunities came up, the concept was abandoned.

Danny opened the case, and already regretting every life choice that had led him to this moment, stuck one in his eye. “That hurts. I don’t know how people do this.”

“You get thrown through buildings daily.”

“That’s different,” whined Danny.

“I’m getting pings from Cryptid Crawl’s phone, moving to your location,” said Tucker. “ Better get a move on.”

“Heck,” said Danny, squeezing in the other contact. “Go rest in the Nasty Burger, I’ve got this.”

“I’ll try to shadow you after you leave,” said Sam, “but don’t expect anything fancy.”

“I’ll zig-zag,” said Danny.

Sam patted him on the back and moved past him. Time to do this.

Danny ran back out into the street, but stuck to the shadows, scanning everything. He had no idea how cryptids were supposed to behave, but he figured–

Holy moly, Sam was not kidding when she said that guy was fast! He wasted a disbelieving second staring at the sheer speed at which that absolute tank of a man approached him, but he was too used to being chased by unreasonably huge and fast guys to hesitate any longer. He bolted, using every piece of cover and concealment he could.

He glanced over his shoulder. The guy was actually gaining on him. After chasing Sam on and off for at least ten minutes. What was this guy made of?

Danny tapped into his ghostly strength and put on a burst of speed.

… The guy also put on a burst of speed.

That was scary.

“Tucker,” said Danny, “which way am I going?”

“Give me a second.”

“They’re hanging out in front of the Skulk’n’Lurk,” said Sam. “ They’re posting live, Tucker.”

“I’m just trying to find the best route!”

“A better one than he can find on his own?”

Danny looked back again. What was this guy made of?

Valerie and Dani stepped onto the street just within view of the cameras. They were both wearing glasses, to protect their identities, and had swapped headgear - Valerie’s headband for Dani’s beanie.

“Are you sure about this?” asked Valerie.

“Absolutely!” chirped Dani.

“I don’t think this is actually going to stop them from going to the observatory.”

“But it might make them stop and think, right?”

“... You know, I saw the post about this on the forums, right? And the whole thread?”

“Shush. Threads don’t matter, now,” said Dani as they crept deeper into the camera’s field of view. “I think this is good. You ready?”

Valerie rolled her eyes. “Ready when you are.”

This had the side effect of making Dani freeze for a solid minute. “Uh,” said Dani.

“You can back out if you–”

Dani rammed her face into Val’s, probably way too fast, because kissing didn’t seem like the kind of thing that was supposed to hurt. They did various things with their lips for a few seconds, and then pulled apart.

“Uh,” said Dani, eloquently.

“Yeah,” said Val.

They both looked towards the ‘Investigation,’ the members of which were, in fact, staring at them.

Val pumped her fist in the air. “The only ghost here is Sappho of Lesbos!” she said, her voice wobbling. “Yeah! Girl power!”

“Girl power!” repeated Dani. She hadn’t heard of any ghost going by that name, but she supposed that Danny couldn’t keep her one hundred percent up to date on his rogues gallery. There were just a lot of them.

At that moment, Dani was slammed into from behind by none other than her beloved cousin-clone, who was dressed as a bad caricature of himself and running at what had to be something approaching a world-record pace. Danny, who didn’t have the worst set of reflexes in the world, but did have the most ridiculous set of reflexes, picked Dani up, threw her over his shoulder, and kept running.

“Is he still following me?” asked Danny.

“Wh- Who?” asked Dani, lifting her head to see that Danny was being chased by either a red-faced fridge or an extremely buff dude who was pushing himself so hard all the blood in his body had gathered in his skin in preparation for exploding (if that was a thing humans did; Dani was a bit uncertain on the finer points of anatomy). “Oh my gosh, that’s scary.”

Meanwhile, Valerie had recovered from her surprise. She started running after them. “Hey!” she shouted. “Bring back my girlfriend!”

“Oh,” said Dani, pleased that Valerie was getting so into the act.

“What are you doing standing there?!” shouted a man wearing a hat that said ‘DIRECTOR,’ his voice starting to go tiny from distance. “Wasn’t that one of the ghosts?”

“Ahhh!” said Danny. “Why is that guy so scary?!”

“Why are you scared?” demanded Dani, who had already forgotten that she, too, had been scared. “You’re a ghost!”

“He’s just scary!”

“Bet I’m scarier!”

Danny’s fingers clenched tightly on her hoodie. “No. Are they following us? All of them?”

“Not yet?”

“Rrrrrrgh,” said Danny, rounding a corner and doubling back down the other road. “I hate this!”

Ned had never thought any of their ‘investigations,’ not even the Investigation, would ever lead to something real. The image of that thing chasing that boy and grabbing that girl… It filled him with equal parts wonder and fear.

This special was going to make them. They’d be famous forever as the ghost hunters that proved the existence of the supernatural.

Jimmy put a hand on his shoulder.

“Not now, bud,” said Ned. “We’ve got a chase.”

Jimmy did not let go. Not even when Az and the rest of the crew packed up and took off after the ghost.

“Edward, dearest,” said Jimmy. “My heart has been uplifted by the actions of those two young women, and I should like us to express ourselves as they did.”

“Aw, come on, Jimmy. That’s sweet, but the network would kick us both out in minutes. Not to mention we’d pasted across every TV in America as the latest scandal. The shame would kill me.”

“You said it yourself, my love. What paranormal investigator has self respect? Let us throw it all to the winds of chance, and let them carry us away.”

Ned blushed. “You make these things sound so nice. But… maybe after we get the ghost. You know how much this means to me.”

“Hng,” said Jimmy.

Danny re-emerged on the original street, which still held some of the crew and cast from the TV show. “Help me find somewhere to crash believably.”

“There!” said Dani, pointing at a small lot with some abandoned construction in it.

“Perfect!” said Danny, throwing himself in that direction. Time to absolutely eat it on live TV. He cast himself on the mercy of the lot, and wiped out spectacularly, coming to rest against the fence at the back of the lot.

The buff guy just… Stopped. Then very slowly sat down.

“Hi,” said Danny.

“Ow,” said the guy, which was fair, actually.

The guy from the Investigation got there next, and spent the next thirty seconds staring reverently at the buff guy while the camera people set up. “Incredible,” he whispered.

“Oi!” shouted Crawly, clambering over a stack of pipes. “Back away from the cryptid! We’ve got evidence to film!”

“ You step away from the ghost!” countered Az. “Our evidence is more relevant to the human condition!”

“The Amity Park Phantom is not a ghost!” Crawly countered in return, stabbing a finger at Danny.

“What are you talking about, that’s a kid in a costume!”

“No it–! Wait, who are you talking about, then? What ghost?”

“The one standing next to you!”

“Wh– This is Bill. My cameraman. Is this because he gets flushed when he exercises really hard? That happens to everyone!”

“No, actually, it–”

Danny shifted, which was enough for Crawly to zero in on him, only to recoil. “What,” they said.

“Well,” said Danny, coughing only a little bit as he got to his feet and pulled off the wig. “I am just a kid in a costume.”

Chapter 7 Chapter Text

“You… aren’t a cryptid,” said the man who’d been chasing Danny for literal miles.

“What?” demanded the other unbelievable human being, who hadn’t been all that far behind the first guy. “Did these guys hire you to make us look bad?”

“Uh, no?” said Danny, who realized he’d said it like a question. “No,” he repeated, more confidently, because this was the plan. “I am making you look bad freelance.”

“That’s the wrong word, dude,” said Tucker.

“It’s pro bono,” corrected Sam.

“Pro bono.” He nodded. “Like Peter Parker.”

“Still the wrong thing.”

“What does Spider-Man have to do with this?”

“We both wear cool costumes and have our pictures taken, duh,” said Danny, not mentioning the superhero thing. He started to peel the contacts out of his eyes.

“What are you doing going around dressed like the Amity Park Phantom, then?”

Danny snorted. “There is no Amity Park Phantom. It’s just me and sometimes my friends messing around.”

Crawly’s face turned dangerously furious. “It’s what?”

“This is like…” He waved his hand vaguely. “A prank? Follow people around, spook them a little? It’s something we do sometimes, for the bit.”

“The bit? What do you mean, the bit?”

“For the joke. You don’t think Amity Park is really haunted, do you?” Danny rolled his eyes theatrically. “I was going to do the same thing today, but then you started chasing me.” He pointed accusingly at Bill. “Like, you chased me for blocks. It freaked me out.” That last bit was hardly even a lie.

“Uh,” said Bill. “Sorry?”

“I mean, I guess it’s your job, but–”

“Wait, wait, wait,” said Az, who had lost a great deal of his for-television veneer. “If you’re not a ghost, how were you running that fast? How were either of you running that fast? That kind of speed isn’t possible for normal humans! ”

“Yeah, duh, that’s because Bill is an ex-military super-spy!” said Crawly, leaning on Bill’s shoulder.

“I’m retired from the spy business, actually.”

“That’s not the point!” said Az, throwing his hands up in the air. He then pointed accusingly at Danny. “You!” he said. “Do you have any idea how this’ll affect our ratings? I can’t afford to go job hunting again! No one will hire Jimmy! He doesn’t talk!”

“Oh, yeah,” said Danny, unzipping the top part of the fake hazmat suit so he could shrug halfway out of it and tie the arms around his waist, “where are the other two stooges?”

Az spun on the spot and stalked away, followed by a good deal of the camera crew. Then he came back, dragging his brother and Jimmy with him. Danny’s eyes met with Jimmy’s.

Danny’s ghost sense started to go off– And he swallowed it. No breathing a bunch of weird blue fog in the middle of a sunny spring day on camera. Nope. Danny had to admit he was impressed, though. That was a very realistic human disguise.

“You,” said Az, “are getting interviewed, and you,” he turned his baleful finger at Crawly, “are getting off our set.”

“What set? This is an abandoned lot. You can’t make us do anything.”

They started bickering.

Apart from one of the hosts being a ghost, and the others being bizarre enough that Danny was wondering if they would fit in in Amity Park, this was actually going quite well. Neither show would have a coherent enough episode to make Amity Park interesting to any wannabe ghost hunter tourists. Or cryptid hunters. Whatever.

Gosh, the only thing they needed now was for the UFO hunters to come out of the woodwork. Or was Hannah enough of one to fulfill that category all by herself?

Before Danny could decide, a massive pillar of green light originating from a couple miles away lit up the sky. The sky howled and pulsed.

“What the hell was that?” demanded Az. “You guys saw that, too, right?”

“Yep,” said Ned.

“Hmm,” said Jimmy.

“Bill,” said Crawly, “I think this trip just became worth it again.”

They all left.

“What,” said Danny, “was that?”

“Uh,” said Tucker, “ I’m working on it. Get Ember.”

“Ember?”

“Or Desiree or someone else who can either cause a massive distraction or unscrew reality because I am–” there was a crashing sound. “

“I’ll get her,” said Jazz.

Danny jumped. “Have you been listening the whole time?”

“Yeah, but it’s busy here, so sue me. I’ll talk to Ember, just tell me what you need.”

“Hey, Danny!”

“Dani!” exclaimed Danny, looking up. “Val!” He paused. “Are you sure you should be hoverboarding this close to the cameras?”

“Shut up,” said Val, “we’re here to give you a ride to whatever that was.”

“I’m on my way, too,” said Sam. “Hold on, there, Tucker.”

Danny, Val, and Jazz arrived to see most of the Groovy Ghost Blasters Extreme unconscious and stuck to various walls with bright green goo and Tucker trying to hack the GAV and Danny’s parents nowhere in sight.

“Where are Mom and Dad?” asked Danny, jumping off Valerie’s board. Valerie tapped her heels together, retracting the board as soon as he was off.

“Chasing the tiger. Apparently they think it’s a ghost.”

“Great,” said Danny, rubbing his hand down over his face. “Sam’s not going to be happy about that .” He jogged over to the Groovy Ghost Blasters Extreme and started checking vitals. “Everyone looks alive.” Now, he should get them off the wall and to a hospital or something. Getting knocked out wasn’t generally good for people…

“What should I do?” asked Dani.

“Uh,” said Danny. “I don’t know, Tucker? What was your plan?”

“Uh,” said Tucker. He pointed at a trailer that held the ruins of several vehicles. “Stage.” He pointed at the smoking holes in the street. “Mist from black ice?” He pointed at the GAV. “Lighting and sound system? I don’t know, man. I’m just making things up. There’s no way we can hide this on our own.”

“ The hunters are getting closer,” said Sam. “ It’d be great if I had some help slowing them down.”

“Okay,” said Danny, “okay.” He ran over to the GAV and used his handprint to sign in. Most of the controls were still locked out for him - no driving license - but it got Tucker that little bit forward. “Uh, then, Dani, you fill up anything smoking with dry ice, Val, you and me, we need to get those guys to a hospital.”

“I think I’ll have to do that myself,” said Val, “unless you have a hoverboard.”

“To cut them out,” said Danny, producing a pair of Fenton Scissors from his pocket and walking over. “Otherwise, that stuff won’t come off unless you take a wall with it.” He spoke from unfortunate experience. Usually, he’d just phase them out, but… witnesses.

Things had been going so well, too.

“Babypop is letting me perform in his precious city?” asked Ember, eyebrow raised.

“Assuming you do it fast, yes,” said Jazz, blowing a strand of hair out of her face. She was covered in flour, eggs, butter, batter in various states of mixture, and icing. “You know that your performances were never the problem. The problem was the mind control.”

“But he’s suddenly okay with it now?”

“He’s got to hide the results of a ecto-gun fight between our parents and trigger happy ghost hunters. Tucker thinks their ATV trailer could be covered up as a stage.”

“And why should I? If Amity becomes famous, maybe some of that spills over. More people to hear me play. More people to shout my name.”

“Do you want to be famous in your own right, because of your music, or because you’re a ghost?” snapped Jazz.

“What do you think, babe?” asked Ember, leaning back towards the rest of the ghosts.

“Do it, and show them the error of underestimating you!” said Skulker, around a mouthful of cake, and how did that even work, exactly? Jazz just… ugh. She didn’t want to know.

“Okay, yeah, sounds good. I’ve performed on worse. I’ll take a look.”

“Maybe we should call an ambulance, actually,” said Danny. Getting knocked out like this and staying knocked out was generally a bad sign.

“And screw things up for whatever friend you’ve got coming to turn this into some kind of rock show?” asked Valerie.

“It’s just Fenton Sleeping Gas,” called Tucker. “According to the weapons logs, anyway.”

Danny briefly looked skyward. “Why do they even have that? I swear…”

“I have Ember on her way, better get Valerie out of there.”

“Yeah,” said Danny, “just, uh. Dani! Help Val carry these guys, will you?”

Dani dropped another chunk of ice into a hole. “On it!”

“Cool, cool, cool,” said Tucker. “There’s so much stuff. Why is there so much stuff?”

Danny wasn’t sure if he was talking about the code in the GAV, the weapons in the GAV, or the debris scattered all over the road. In any case, there was a lot of stuff.

But Valerie was flying off, and… “Sam, do we have an ETA on those guys?”

“You’re lucky they didn’t have cars,” said Sam. “Halfway there.”

“Thanks.” Danny transformed and started pushing stuff out of the way. He also did the fastest structural ice-work of his life, covering up the trailer and making it look more stage-like. He hid several of the gaping holes in the street– hopefully being filled with ice wouldn’t make them worse– and worked on putting out the few fires that were still going, despite Dani’s ice.

Then he paused and surveyed his work. It looked…

… Bad.

Genuinely, there was no way around it.

“Oi, babypop!” called Ember from above. “What’re you doing chilling out when it’s time to rock on?”

Smiling at Ember was a new experience for Danny. Maybe–

“Hey, uh. That one terrifying camera guy is fighting a tiger, now, what do I do?”

The tiger. The one his parents had been chasing.

“Sorry, got to go!” he shouted.

“Are you ditching me?” demanded Ember.

“ It’s not you,” said Tucker, “ it’s the tiger.”

“That’s a tiger,” said Ned. He might have been more concerned about the situation if the tiger wasn’t running away from Bill.

“Hng,” said Jimmy.

“ Genuinely a tiger. Just a tiger.”

“Hm,” said Jimmy.

“You know what? I’m done.”

“Yes! Get it, Bill! If we can’t have a cryptid we can at least get an anomalous big cat!”

“Hm?”

“Just done. Done with this, done with the show, done with everything. I want to retire and work on classic cars.”

“You can’t retire,” hissed Az, who was hiding behind Jimmy. “You’re in your thirties! And we don’t know what that light was, yet!”

Ned was very tempted to say screw the light.

Behind him, the producer attempted and failed to call animal control.

“Fine, we can go see what the light was about, but if we get there and it’s a kid in an iceberg–”

“What are you talking about?”

“Oh, like you never watch cartoons.”

“Yes! Yes! Now zoom in on its face. I’ve never seen a tiger like this before, maybe it’s endangered!”

“Please, please set up,” begged Tucker. “Please start playing.”

“Uh, no,” said Ember, crossing her arms. “I’m not performing for an empty street.”

“You said–”

“I’d said I’d take a look. So here I am. Looking.”

“Ember,” squeaked Tucker. “Come on. You got free cake.”

“For staying hidden, yeah. But that’s not my point, geek squad. Don’t you think that me playing to absolutely no one would be suspicious? No way this is a concert. It’s a special effects test for later this week. And you’d better believe that later this week, I’ll be collecting.”

Danny flashed into visibility in front of his parents and prepared himself for a very long chase.

They eventually got hold of animal control.

“No, you can’t be here. I’ve got it cleared with the city to test this stuff, and it’s proprietary. You’re lucky security is on break, so you’d better get your stupid cameras out of here before they get back.”

“But the light–” started Az.

“Pro. Pri. E. Tary. What. Part. Don’t. You. Get. Little T, how’s your martial arts class going, can you kick these guys out?”

“Uh,” said Tucker, who was honestly sort of impressed by Ember’s whole performance, improvised as it was. But then, he supposed she had practice. It must be hard getting a venue when you were dead and had no money. Between how she’d altered the stage with her powers and what she was saying now, they might be able to pull this off. “Maybe?” He sized up the tallest of the three ‘Investigators.’ “Probably not, actually.” Not without weapons, anyway.

“Whatever, it’s not like that’s what I pay you for.”

“You know what?” asked Az, who was, at this point, staring dead-eyed into space. “I’m done. Let’s go get cake.”

“That’s the smartest thing you’ve said since we got here,” said Ned.

“Cake,” said Jimmy.

“Oh, crud,” mumbled Tucker.

“ What?” said Sam. He could see her head peeking out of an alley a few blocks down. “ Are they not buying it?”

“Worse,” whispered Tucker. “They’re going for cake.”

“Hey,” said Crawly, as the tiger was loaded into the truck by animal control. “This might have been a bit of a bust, but we can still go get cake.”

“Any day where I get to wrestle a cryptid tiger is a good day,” said Bill.

“Uh,” said one of the animal control people. “It’s a regular tiger, just albino.”

Crawly held up a finger. “Hush, you.”

Chapter 8 Chapter Text

“ You can’t blame me for this, ” said Danny. “ Literally, you can’t blame me for our plan working too well. ” There was a high-pitched whine from his end of the Fenton Phones, and a small explosion.

Jazz pinched the bridge of her nose. “I know, I know, I’m not trying to play the blame game, but you need to get back here. You’re the only one who can handle the ghosts.”

“I’m not–” Danny broke off, briefly. “I’m not going to be able to take care of the ghosts. I promised them that they could have cake if they stayed away from the hunters. They did, and Ember helped even more. I can’t go back on that promise now!”

“Okay, but the hunters are coming here. What are we going to do about the ghosts then? Even if we convince them they’re all in costume, they’re too good as costumes! It would be too cool!”

“I think you’re still overestimating the coolness of costumes,” said Tucker. “It’s an easy mistake to make, I know I–”

“Miss Fenton? Jasmine? Oh, there you are,” said Mr. Lancer, sounding relieved. “No one had seen you since you went to talk to the ghosts, and– What’s wrong?”

Jazz scrubbed her hands over her face and stepped out of the little cubby the end of the row of lockers formed with the oddly-bent corner of the wall. “We got the two shows to give up, but they’re coming here instead, for, I don’t know, cake as a consolation prize. I don’t– I don’t know what to do about the ghosts. They’ll be here in less than fifteen minutes. I don’t know what to do.”

“Oh,” said Mr. Lancer. “ Twelfth Night, we’re in it now.”

AMITY OF AMITY PARK: A Friendly Helping Hand

Ghost Activity Map , Forums , Local Business Directory , Advice Blog

Forums -> Community Alerts -> Paranormal Investigators -> Community Cake Day

Thread: EMERGENCY

12th Knight (OP) : The paranormal investigators are coming to the Community Cake Day. The ghosts are at Community Cake Day. What do we do?”

Cynosure : I can’t believe you’re posting on the forums while this is going on.

12th Knight : I am a desperate man.

JACK FENTON : THEY’RE AT THE CAKE DAY? DOn’T WORRY WE”LL savE YUl!!@@#

JACK FENTON : AND EaT ACKE!

Mr. Lancer looked up from his phone. “In retrospect, I feel as if I should have known better than to ask advice from the internet.”

“ Jazz,” said Danny, “why did Dad pull out his phone, shout cake, and start running away?”

Jazz would not hold her breath until she fainted. She wasn’t even sure that was a thing people could do.

“ Okay,” said Sam, “ignoring that disturbing comment and why Jazz didn’t answer, I– Tucker, what are you doing?”

“He got in again! How did he get in again?”

“Jazz, are they going to cake day? Why are they going to cake day? They cannot be at cake day!”

Tubahater : Could you maybe disguise the ghosts??

The Smart Twin : As what? With what? There’s no way they’re going to look like anything but ghosts.

CasperQueen : There’s always the drama stuff, I guess, assuming it wasn’t all destroyed when a certain someone fell into it, like a loser.

Lovestheshow : oooh yeah, I love that trope

Lovestheshow : the one where a character dresses up like a crappy version of themselves

Lovestheshow : yes please tell me you’re going to do it!

“Oh, heck,” said Tucker, “Nost actually has a point. How is it that the guy who thinks the whole thing is an ARG has a point?”

At this, Jazz pulled out her own phone. “Does he have a point?” she asked.

“Anyone want to fill me in?” asked Danny. “Kind of busy flying.”

West of West : Unfortunately, I know for a fact that people are stupid and blind enough to fall for this.

Point25Back : aren’t you supposed to be whipping butter nerd?

“Why are all my students on their phones when they’re supposed to be baking?” asked Lancer.

“You’re on your phone,” pointed out Jazz.

West of West : Aren’t you supposed to be banned

Nobineryginger : oh ye dude i get you theres all sorts of great tropes like that my faves the one where everyone is dressed the same at a party and so when the baddies try to find the heroes they gotta unmask everyone but its all just normal people its like a switcheroo so sweet

“I can’t believe it, they do have a point,” said Jazz, out loud.

“Please, can someone fill me in? At least on what I can do? I’m still trying to distract, but– Ah! I can disengage whenever you want me!”

“Keep distracting them for now, but be ready to, uh,” she looked up at Mr. Lancer, “be yourself but not be yourself again, and to say that you’re a different yourself than the yourself they met.”

“ I hate that I understood that,” said Danny.

“Okay,” said Jazz, “we need the drama class.”

[Video starts, showing a crowd of people of various ages in a school cafeteria. Most of the people are either children or middle aged. There are several people sitting at the front of the room. Static obscures many of their features, but they all appear to be glowing and have odd skin tones. The video is shaky.

WOMAN #1: Damn, I should have gotten a better camera, this one is spazzing out. But the phone one is bad, too…

The angle of the camera changes slightly, and shows a low-angle profile of a woman.

WOMAN #2: Bought it out of town?

WOMAN #1: Yeah, why?

WOMAN #2: Takes a while for them to get used to the ectoplasm. Give it a week and it’ll be fine.

WOMAN #1: That doesn’t help much now. I wanted to film Ashley breaking a world record.

WOMAN #2: I’m sure someone else is filming, too. You could ask around, later.

A door in the corner of the cafeteria opens, and the camera turns towards them. A group of teenagers comes out. One of them, a girl with long red hair and a large amount of flour on her shirt, is carrying a megaphone.

TEENAGER: Hello, Amity Park! I know you’re looking forward to cake, but we have an additional surprise for you all. This is now a costume party! The drama class will be bringing you your costumes shortly. Thank you for cooperating and making this Community Cake Day a success.

The teenager lowers the microphone, and joins the other teenagers, who have started swarming the glowing people.

WOMAN #2: When was the last time you checked the forums?

Video ends.]

Danny dropped through the ceiling into the bathroom and transformed. He pulled back on the fake hazmat and grimaced as he noticed a tear. Maybe he could– Could he do a partial? He’d never done a partial like that before on purpose–

“There you are!” shouted Jazz.

“Oh gosh,” said Danny. “This is the boy’s ba–”

“That doesn’t matter! Come on!”

“But there’s a tear–”

Jazz shrieked in frustration and shoved a fake Danny Phantom top at him. The gloves and belt were sewn on, and it looked very crooked.

“Where did this even come from?” he whispered. “Did you make this?”

“No, there were about fifty of them backstage of the theater, but no one fit this one. It’s too small.”

Danny, who had gotten it on over his head with no effort, glared at her, but then the rest of her words sank in. “ Fifty? Why does the drama class have fifty of these?”

“I don’t want to know, do you? If it makes you feel better, it was right next to the surplus Ember stuff.”

It did not make Danny feel better.

Even so, he let Jazz continue to herd him into the cafeteria and then sit him between Lunch Lady (dusted in flour and looking very pleased with herself) and Kitty, which was really unfair, he thought. At least it wasn’t between Spectra and Skulker.

“Jazz,” said Danny, eyeing the cafeteria. “Do you want to tell me the plan, now?”

“I would also like to know the plan,” said Kitty, who was currently wearing cat ears and badly done facepaint.

“You’re all just people dressing up as ghosts,” said Jazz, “like mascots. Because it will get you free cake. Danny, you’re not the same person they ran into earlier, got it? You’re someone different.”

Danny definitely needed a few quiet minutes to process all this, but it almost, sort of, kind of, made sense. “We’re making them think everyone is a fake. Just more fake ghosts. Not even original fake ghosts.”

“Yeah,” said Jazz.

“But– But what about Mom and Dad? You know what they’re like.”

“Don’t worry about it,” said Jazz.

“I’m worrying about it.”

“Don’t.”

“I’m worrying about it, too, actually,” said Sam, who sounded very out of breath. “Any of you guys seen Val and Dani yet?”

“No,” said Danny. They must still be at the hospital.

“Listen,” said Jazz, “someone else will take care of it. You just sit here and eat cake.”

“Isn’t that what Marie Antoinette said?” asked Danny.

Jazz made a face. “You really do only know the one historical quote, don’t you?”

“Heh, she’s got you there,” said Kitty.

“And you do need to eat more,” said Lunch Lady, pinching his cheek.

“Fine,” said Danny, “but don’t blame me when things go wrong with whatever you’re planning!”

Chapter 9 Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

12th Knight (OP): New problem: How do we keep ghost hunters from blowing up the cafeteria with bazookas again?

merknlurk: at this poin if it’s a recurring problem you should just shut down the school

ChaChaCha: don’t do that, they’ll just spread to other schools. I don’t want the fentons here.

Point25Back: Holy **** mods are asleep post dox

Point25Back: Danny Fentwerp is a a weenie looser hiding mehind the much cooler Phantom Phantom you shoulen’t have to deal with this share my account we can be mods together

My Hair: I’m only here because I’m covering the cake bake, but… isn’t this a school? Aren’t there laws about weapons in schools? Couldn’t you just tell them not to come in, then call the cops?

Point25Back: @Phantom (MOD) I’m way better at modding I mod my whole school basically. All those nerds know not to mess with Dash Baxter and my rule is law.

THE RULES (TEMP MOD): The law, you say, punk?

[@Point25Back has been banned for one thousand (1000) years.]

merknlurk: no because acab

THE RULES (TEMP MOD): You’d best take those words out of your mouth, son, because there’s a new sheriff in town.

[@merknlurk has been banned for one thousand (1000) years.]

Tubalover: I think the safety of children rates a little higher than whatever ideology merk doesn’t have.

Tubalover: OMG he was banned for that????

THE RULES (TEMP MOD): The rules are paramount, punk, and cracking heads with the rulebook is the only language some punks understand. Punk.

THE RULES (TEMP MOD): My advice to @12th Knight (OP) is to always follow THE RULES and put those RULE BREAKERS in their place.

Danny stared incredulously at his phone. Then he looked up, at Walker, who… did have a phone, actually. Who gave him a phone? More than anything else, that was against the rules. Walker and phones did not go together in any way, shape, or form.

Except they apparently did.

Danny didn’t even know they had a temporary moderator feature in the forums. Had Tucker put that in? Had Jazz? Sam? Or… His gaze narrowed and drifted sideways. Had Technus?

That made sense, actually. One thousand years was not a valid ban time. Someone would have had to mess with the code, and Tucker was way too busy to do that for an in-joke.

Danny and Technus might be having words.

Maybe.

At least the ‘mod’ title was temporary.

And it was kind of funny.

Whatever. There were more important problems than the community help forums getting taken over by his rogues’ gallery… Could he even call them that, honestly? It sounded like such a comic book thing to say.

But. But. He had just been thinking about more important problems, and there was no way that his parents would be deterred by people just telling them to go away. That hadn’t even worked on Lunch Lady, and, as evidenced by current circumstances and location, she was much more reasonable than his parents.

It just couldn’t be that simple, could it?

“It can’t possibly be that simple,” said Mrs. Ishiyama, staring up at Mr. Lancer with an expression of horror. “There’s just no way.”

“Come, now,” said Mr. Lancer, his eye twitching. “That’s not the principal spirit I know! We’ll give it the old Casper High try! Where there’s a will, there’s a way!” He started laughing, then stopped abruptly. “Lord of the Rings, we’re all doomed, aren’t we? At least I enjoy that game…”

“Well, if we’re doomed,” said Mrs. Tetslaff, “at least we’ll take the Fentons down with us! Hoo-rah! Pay ‘em back for all the times they wrecked my gym!”

“That’s, no,” said Mrs. Ishiyama, making quelling motions with her hands. “We aren’t taking anyone down. Do you think– Do you think maybe the police would come if we called?”

“Do you think they’d come without calling the GIW?” asked Mr. Lancer.

Mrs. Ishiyama sighed. “We’re on our own, then.” She rubbed her hand over her mouth, thinking. “But it’s our only chance, isn’t it? I’ll do an all call, we need all staff on hand if we’re going to pull this off.”

“We’re… leaving the ghosts chaperoning the children?” asked Mr. Lancer.

“And Mrs. Tetslaff,” said Mrs. Ishiyama, smiling brittlely. “After all, you’re the Home Ec teacher.”

“Aw, no, don’t do that to me.”

“You’re the Home Ec teacher,” repeated Mrs. Ishiyama, reaching for the intercom. “Home Ec. Get eccing. Ec.”

Mrs. Tetslaff looked back and forth between her two colleagues. “Holy crap, did you both break, or what?”

Mrs. Ishiyama didn’t answer. “Hello, all staff not currently directly involved in baking or other preparations please come to the front office. Repeat, all staff not currently involved in baking–”

Well, then. It sounded like they were going to do it. Maybe. Or maybe they’d figured out something else. Danny didn’t know. It wasn’t like anyone was telling him anything.

A drama student threw yet another green feather boa at him. He sighed heavily. “At this rate, any cake I eat will have feathers in it.”

“Oh, don’t worry about that, dearie. I’ll make sure you don’t accidentally consume any non-food items!”

Danny sighed even more heavily. So much for getting any cake at all.

“Hey, don’t be like that,” said Kitty, prodding his cheek. “I’m sure you’ll get plenty of cake.”

“Hm,” said Danny.

One of the doors into the kitchen opened slightly as a student slipped out. From within poured smoke and a cry of “Oh my lanta, why is it on fire?”

“Yeah,” he said. “Lot’s of cake.”

“That’s just how cooking is, sometimes, sweetie. Cookie?”

“You know what? Sure. I’ll take the poison at this point.”

“So,” said Dani. “Now what?” They’d gotten the ghost hunters to the hospital. “Back to harassing the vest guys? If they’re still going, that is.”

“Maybe,” said Val. “Never underestimate what a person will do for money.” After all, even she had been bamboozled by the siren call of cash… She shuddered, remembering the Nasty Burger mascot suit. Never again… Unless they were that broke again, then maybe again… She hated not having money… Money sucked…

Dani wrinkled her nose. “They can’t be getting that much money from this, can they?”

Val shrugged. “I don’t know. They’re on TV, aren’t they?”

“What does that have to do with anything?”

“Well, they– Hold up, is that them?” Val pointed down a nearby street.

“I… think so,” said Dani, shading her eyes. “Where are they going? There’s nothing interesting in that direction unless you count the school. At least, nothing that I know about…”

Valerie’s first reaction was to snort. Casper High was not something she’d call interesting at all. The opposite, really. But then… “They’re going towards the school?”

“Uh, looks like it to me? I don’t spend a lot of time around here, though, so maybe not? Is there some other place they could be going?”

“No,” said Valerie, gritting her teeth, “but that’s the only haunted place around. We have to figure out how to stop them before they get there.”

“The school is haunted?”

“Uh, yeah, your weirdo cousin hangs out there all the time.”

“Ohhhh, yeah, I didn’t realize that counted.”

“Why would it not–? Never mind, we have to work out what to do about this.”

“Okay, okay,” said Dani. “What if we set the road on fire?”

“What.”

“Look, I’m out of ideas. We already tripped them up half a dozen times.”

“Yeah, yeah,” said Valerie. “What if… Do you think they’re actually going for the cake? Maybe we could go down and complain about food poisoning while walking past them? Or do you think they’d think that was a ghost.”

“Don’t you think they might recognize us, though?”

“Yeah, but what else can we do? Just about everyone else is either hiding or at the school already. What if we talked about somewhere else haunted?”

Dani shrugged. “What if we ask the forums? Maybe someone nearby is watching and will have an idea.”

AMITY OF AMITY PARK: A Friendly Helping Hand

Ghost Activity Map, Forums, Local Business Directory, Advice Blog

Forums -> Community Alerts -> Paranormal Investigators

Thread: Investigators going to cake day help

Valorous1 (OP): Investigators (TV show group) are on Stretch Street heading towards Casper High. Ideas/help getting rid of them?

JACK FENTON: OOooo we’re goina that way too mayBe we’ll run into them!!!!!!@@! <#

nobineryginger: is that sposed to be a eart lolllllllll

nobineryginger: good luck tho mr. fenton lollllllll tv day blue

Lovetheshow: isn’t he already on TV though?

[@nobineryginger has been banned for one thousand (1000) years.]

Bog Mummy: What you’re banning him and not the guy whose username is his actual name?

THE RULES (TEMP MOD): That particular punk is, unfortunately, using technology that makes it difficult for me to ban him.

THE RULES (TEMP MOD): Also, he’s married to my daughter.

Phantom (MOD): Then let me.

[@JACK FENTON has been permanently banned.]

[@JACK FENTON has been restricted from viewing forum posts.]

Phantom (MOD): ACTUALLY NO WAIT GO BACK TO THAT LAST PART.

Phantom (MOD): DID YOU KNOW THIS WHEN YOU ARRESTED ME?

THE RULES (TEMP MOD): What I know is that you’re not supposed to be doing anything but sitting pretty and eating cake, punk.

[@Phantom (MOD) has been banned for one (1) hour.]

The Cooler Phantom: Oh wow wo familyy lore wive got a gempa???????

West of West: The ******* sheriff ghost is Fenton’s grandpa??????????????????

[@West of West has been banned for one thousand (1000) years.]

ashtree: I hate it here.

Danny looked up slowly from his phone, the remainder of his possibly poisoned cookie crumbling in his hand as his fingers clenched. Walker looked up at him and smirked, every line of his posture unbelievably smug.

Danny hoped he knew he was going to hunt him down and leave him in the thermos for a month for pulling this stunt.

Well, probably not literally a month. He couldn’t afford to keep a thermos reserved for a single occupant for that long. But still. It was the thought that counted. Probably.

Ugh. Was this some kind of karma for wishing he had at least one relative that wasn’t crazy at Christmas? Had Desiree been around that time? Was Walker just messing with him?

… No, there was no way, was there? That had to be against the rules. But Danny really, really wanted to be in denial about this.

So he glared at Walker even harder.

If possible, Walker looked back at him even smugger.

AMITY OF AMITY PARK: A Friendly Helping Hand

Ghost Activity Map, Forums, Local Business Directory, Advice Blog

Forums -> Community Alerts -> Paranormal Investigators

Thread: HELP US STOP INVESTIGATORS FROM CRASHING CAKE DAY

Valorous1 (OP): Last attempt at this thread got weird, so here we go again. Investigators (TV show group) are on Stretch Street heading towards Casper High. Ideas/help getting rid of them?

tubahater: stretch street, you say? On the way to chs? Hey @Tubalover how do we feel about flash mobs?

Tubalover: I thought you’d never ask.

passthemike: Why aren’t you guys at Cake Day? I thought you were really into it?

tubahater: in addition to my hatred of tubas, I also despise gluten.

Tubalover: He has celiac disease, don’t mind him.

“What’s a flash mob?” asked Dani.

Valerie shrugged.

AMITY OF AMITY PARK: A Friendly Helping Hand

Ghost Activity Map, Forums, Local Business Directory, Advice Blog

Forums -> All Community -> Hobbies and Interests -> Music -> Stretch Street Brass Band

Thread: FLASH MOB TO DEFEAT THE INVESTIGATORS

tubahater (OP): RISE UP MY FELLOW MUSIC NERDS WE WILL CONQUER

76trombones: YEAH

formercolorguard: ALL RIGHT

Musiquail: LETS GOOOOOOOOOO

Killiope: y r we keeping this in here lets put it in the main music page

“Oh,” said Nathan. “This is going to be good. I can’t believe we’re going to miss it.”

Lester, frantically stirring icing. “What? What are you talking about?”

“LESS TALKING MORE STIRRING!” shouted Tetslaff.

AMITY OF AMITY PARK: A Friendly Helping Hand

Ghost Activity Map, Forums, Local Business Directory, Advice Blog

Forums -> All Community -> Hobbies and Interests -> Music

Thread: FLASH MOB LETS GO

Killiope (OP): Hey stretch street peeps we’re doing a music flash mob to kill the paranormal weirdos

Tubalover: I’m begging you we are not killing anyone

SweetSax: Why are we leaving this in here? Shouldn’t everyone on stretch street know about this?

Tucker glanced at the new notification as Sam dragged him along.

“Hey,” he said, narrowing his eyes, “wait a second, celiac disease? Is that– No. No way. They’re not on the forums!”

“What are you talking about?” hissed Sam.

“They talked about gay kissing! Online! It can’t be them!”

“What are you talking about?”

AMITY OF AMITY PARK: A Friendly Helping Hand

Ghost Activity Map, Forums, Local Business Directory, Advice Blog

Forums -> Community Alerts -> Paranormal Investigators

Thread: STRETCH STREET FLASH MOB (BRING MUSIC)

SweetSax: If you’ve got tunes bring your tunes deets to foollow

Angela and Maurice Foley ran out into Stretch Street carrying tubas.

“I can’t believe this,” said Tucker. “I can’t believe this. I will never again be able to show my face.”

“You’re being overdramatic. Focus on actually kicking Mr. Fenton out of the forums this time.”

“Why are there so many people with brass instruments living on this street?” asked Valerie, vaguely horrified.

“I think some of them are coming from other streets,” said Dani, helpfully. “And not all of them have brass instruments, I don’t think. That guy has a boom box.”

Something that sounded like a dozen bands having a collision in the middle of a tone-deafness support group convention reached Danny’s ears, despite the way that Tucker was still wailing about his parents being online (like, seriously, did he think his were the only ones? When Danny’s dad was a continued menace to Amity Park’s online community? Sheesh.) through the Fenton Phones. But Danny was supposed to sit quietly and eat cake and not do anything else.

Of course, there wasn’t any cake yet, and from the racket coming from the kitchen, he was starting to doubt there would be.

“What,” said Mr. Lancer, “is that noise?”

“Until it shows up here, it isn’t our problem,” said Mrs. Ishiyama.

“It sounds like three dozen drunk college students trying to play ‘Seventy-Six Trombones’ while also on acid,” said the music teacher, speculatively. “Also, without actually having any trombones.”

“Not. Our. Problem,” repeated Mrs. Ishiyama with a forced smile. “Only the Fentons are our problem.”

“WHERE,” screamed Az, “DID ALL THESE PEOPLE COME FROM?”

“Hng,” said Jimmy.

“This flash mob kind of sucks,” said Ned. “Like, there’s no coordination.”

“SECURITY,” shouted the director fruitlessly. “SECURITY!”

“Oh, hey,” said Crawly, attempting to maneuver around a very enthusiastic group of middle-aged men with trumpets, “do you think this is, like, a, um, a supernatural flash mob, or just a flash mob?”

“Just a flash mob,” said Bill, clearly disappointed.

“Still better than a scam, I guess. Man, I hate being scammed. We should get a refund.”

“From who?” asked Bill.

“Dunno. Maybe I’ll just take it out of them in cake. I can eat a lot of cake, you know. How much cake can you eat, Bill?”

“I’m not sure. I’ve never pushed myself to the limit before.”

“Well, then, we can make it a contes–”

A woman with a piccolo came up behind them and started screeching, making them both jump.

“Oh, wow,” said Crawly, their hand over their heart, “I think I hate it here.”

The woman cackled. “That’s the spirit, sweetheart!”

“I really hate it here.”

“Huh,” said Jack, “looks like there’s some kind of event happening over there. Live music?”

“Yes,” said Maddie. She tapped the side of her goggles. “But no ghosts that I can see. We need to keep going to the school. Let’s go around this area.”

“You’ve got it, Mads! Hey, do you think we finally ran that pesky ghost-boy off?”

“Seems like it.” She sighed. “It’s too bad, in some ways, but protecting the children comes first!”

“Absolutely! And those ghosts won’t know what hit them!”

“I will have cake,” said Ned, pushing through the crowd. “I will.”

“Maybe we should just, I don’t know, give up and get back in the car,” said Az, hooking his finger over his shoulder at where the film crew was still following them. “I mean, I’m sure we’re going to get fired over this already anyway.”

Ned looked at the car with scorn, and then at the crew still trying to film. His expression softened somewhat, then hardened again as he observed the director. “No way. Then we’ll be stuck in there with him. Jimmy, help me out, here.”

“Mh,” said Jimmy. He turned to Ned, picked him up under the armpits and held him over his head before running in the general direction of the school, deftly dodging all obstacles in his path.

Az’s shoulders slumped. “I never know what’s going on with those too anymore.”

“Hey,” said Crawly, “are we sure that guy isn’t a cryptid?”

“No way,” said Bill, “I mean, I can do that. It’s not that weird.”

“You can do that?” asked Crawly.

“I mean, sure?”

Crawly held their arms out to either side. “Do it,” they said.

Maurice and Angela Foley watched the two main groups of paranormalists race through the crowd with expressions of disbelief.

“How are they doing that?” asked Maurice, knuckles white where he gripped his tuba.

“I don’t know,” said Angela, who still had the valves in place for the last note she’d played. “Are we sure they’re human?”

“I have no idea… Wait. Wait a second. I have an idea. It could solve everything.”

“Well, if it helps Tucker and his friends I’m all for it.

Excerpts from a text message conversation on the phone of Maurice Foley.

Maurice: Heya Jack. Me and Ang were watching the hullabaloo over on Stretch St. and we wanted your opinion on this: [Series of image of two large men carrying smaller, t-posing people over their heads while running through a crowd.]

Maurice: We were wondering if it was a ghost thing, and if so, could you take care of it?

Maurice: It’s wigging Ang out a little and we’d appreciate it.

Jack: NOWORRIES thAT’s TOTall y normal!!!!

Jack: MAds and I can do THAT no PRoblem!!!11!!

“It’s okay, dear, it was a good idea,” said Angela, patting Maurice’s back. “At least we’ve given the kids a bit more time to prepare, haven’t we?”

Valerie and Dani, still situated on a nearby roof, watched with disbelief as the Fentons slowed slightly, Maddie spread her arms out into a T-pose, and Jack grabbed her under her armpits, lifting her up over his head.

“What the heck,” said Val. She looked over at the parallel street, where the paranormal guys were running down the street in similar positions. “Did these guys suddenly develop telepathy or something?”

“No way,” said Dani. “Telepathy looks way different. I bet it’s for a meme.”

“What meme looks like this?”

“I don’t know. But it kind of looks like it should be a meme, doesn’t it?”

“I guess,” said Valerie, as the paranormalists were blocked by an aggressive contingent of barbershop quartets. “But I could do without it becoming one.”

“What are they doing?” asked Mr. Lancer, real fear in his voice.

“Don’t break!” said Mrs. Ishiyama. “This is just an intimidation tactic!”

“Well, Art of War, it’s working!”

The Fentons approached, Maddie held high in the air by her husband, who was running towards them at a speed that, in a saner world, might have seen him on an Olympic track team.

“STOP!” shrieked Mrs. Ishiyama.

Remarkably (or maybe not so remarkably, the teachers had made a fairly solid roadblock in front of the school entrance - then again, Jack Fenton was known to go through walls at speed), they did stop.

“Hiya, Danny and Jazz’s teachers! We’re just here to get those pesky ghosts out of your hair!”

Maddie cocked her ecto-rifle… or whatever that thing was. Mr. Lancer didn’t really know. “Permanently.”

“There aren’t any ghosts here,” squeaked Mr. Falluca as the other teachers converged on Jack and Maddie, surrounding them.

“And even if there were, you can’t bring that into the school,” said Mrs. Ishiyama. “You can’t bring any weapons into the school.”

“Since when?” asked Jack, apparently flabbergasted.

“Since always,” said Mrs. Ishiyama firmly. Mr. Lancer, however, could see her hands shaking behind her back.

“But you’ve let us in with weapons before.”

“You’ll note that I never ‘let you in,’” said Ishiyama, “and those times were always during active ghost attacks, which this is not.”

“But there are ghosts inside.”

“No there aren’t!” repeated Mr. Falluca. “There are absolutely no ghosts! None!”

Unnoticed by the teachers or the Fentons, the pairs of Crawly and Bill and Ned and Jimmy pushed past the last lines of flash mob defense and made it to the school.

“What’s going on over there?” asked Crawly.

“Don’t make eye contact,” said Bill. “Anyone wearing stuff like that in broad daylight is probably disturbed.”

“I don’t know, they just look like teachers to me.”

Danny’s eyes darted towards the doors as they opened and he was faced with the dreaded sight. The youtubers and paranormal investigators. Together. He wasn’t the only one who looked up and went still at the sight, but it took both groups a minute and several steps alongside the perimeter of the room to realize that they’d just become the center of attention.

“Why is everyone staring?” asked Ned. Then he grinned. “I supposed you’ve all seen me on T–”

“You!” shouted Crawly, pointing at Danny.

“Uh, me?”

“How did you get here before us?” they demanded.

“I’ve been here all day,” said Danny.

“No, you haven’t. We chased you all around town, you– you cryptid faker!”

“Ohh,” said Danny, “you must have seen someone else in the same costume. Phantom’s pretty popular, he’s, like, the town’s mascot.”

“Hey,” said Jazz, sidling up next to Crawly. Her new drama-class provided outfit was so bad Danny’s heart literally skipped a beat and he had to grab onto the table so he wouldn’t fall out of his chair. “It sounds like you’ve had a rough day, why don’t you–”

“Maybe I’d buy that, but what’s with all the costumes?” demanded Crawly.

“It’s a community thing,” said Danny with a shrug, hoping his distress regarding Jazz’s sartorial choices wasn’t obvious. “You know, for the tourists. Most haunted town in America or whatever.”

“Much easier to be the ghosts than to hope one shows up,” said Ida Manson, helpfully. She was wearing an Ember wig, and Danny wasn’t sure if that increased or damaged her credibility. In any case, it was still better than what Jazz was wearing.

Crawly opened and closed their mouth several times. “You know what?” they asked. “I give up. Just give me c–”

At this point, the door to the kitchen, which Crawly was standing directly in front of, slammed open, shoving them into the side, and a surprisingly ornate seven-story cake was wheeled out by Paulina and Star, to raucous cheers.

Lunch Lady wiped a tear away from her eye. “They learned so well.”

Outside, some distance away from the teachers, Jack and Maddie conferred.

“The children must be hostages, for the teachers to act like this,” said Maddie.

“Yeah!” said Jack. “They’ve got to be, or they’d never just kick us out like this. Our weapons aren’t harmful to humans at all.”

“We’ll have to find another way in,” said Maddie.

“They’re about to go through one of the walls, aren’t they?” asked Mr. Lancer, resigned.

“Looks like it,” said Mrs. Ishiyama, also resigned.

Unbeknownst to the faculty or the Fentons, Az had also just made it out of the flash mob mosh pit that was once Stretch Street. He took his phone out of his pocket and dialed nine-one-one.

Transcript of a call made to the Amity Park Emergency Services Line.

OPERATOR: Nine-one-one, what is your emergency?

CALLER: Hey, uh, there are these weirdos - two weirdos - standing in front of this school - Casper High - with what looks like weapons.

OPERATOR: Can you tell what kind of weapons?

CALLER: No I’m not very close, I can’t tell what kind.

OPERATOR: Just the general kind is fine. Knives? Guns? Swords? Bats?

CALLER: I mean, guns, right?

OPERATOR: Thank you, sir. Are you able to stay on the line?

CALLER: Yes, I’ll stay on the line– Oh my god! They just ran through the wall!

OPERATOR: Wait… are these weirdos dressed in orange and blue jumpsuits?

CALLER: I– yes? How–?

OPERATOR: Don’t worry about it. We’ll send someone.

The cake was, of course, demolished.

The entire room stared at it with even greater horror than that which they had visited on the paranormal investigators.

“Mom! Dad! What are you doing?” demanded Jazz.

“We’re rescuing you from gh– Young lady, what are you wearing?”

“Do you see any ghosts here?” asked Jazz, spreading her hands. She pointed at Ida Manson, then at several drama students. “Do any of these people look like ghosts?”

“Well, that one–”

“No!” Jazz slapped Jack's hand, forcing it down. “That’s Spike! How do you still not recognize any of my friends?”

“Well, maybe if you brought any of them home, sweetheart–”

“Ugh! We can discuss my teenage rebellion at home. At least you haven’t destroyed the walls to my room this week!” She stalked out through the hole Jack Fenton had made in the wall, the sunlight catching on her black miniskirt, her thigh-high sparkling white boots, and the crop top that read ‘it’s not gay if he’s dead’ in comic sans. All topped, of course, by the obviously handmade Ember wig.

“Don’t walk away from us, young lady!” With that, the Fenton parents disappeared through the hole they had made.

Danny… could not believe that had worked.

“Hey,” said Kitty, “wait. Did we seriously go through all of this for no cake?”

Paulina began laughing hysterically. “Of course we didn’t make only one cake! We made many cakes! Huge cakes! That was just– That was just the most beautiful– The beautiful–” She broke down crying, and Star led her away.

Behind them, Mrs. Tetslaff cleared her throat. “Okay, yeah. Plenty of other cakes to eat, people.”

“Hey,” said the paranormalist who hadn’t been squished. “Shouldn’t we get out of the structurally compromised room first?”

“What are you talking about?” asked Tetslaff.

“Yeah!” said Nathan. “The room’s fine! He didn’t hit a support pillar or anything!”

Ned put a hand on Jimmy’s shoulder. “Jimmy, I have to admit, I was having some fantasies about you feeding me cake, but I think I just want to go home now.”

“Hnm,” said Jimmy.

“Glad you agree. Uh, Crawler or whatever your name is, do you need help, or…?”

“No,” said Crawly, voice muffled, “I live here now. On the floor of shame.”

“They’ll be fine,” said Bill. “Things like this happen all the time when you’re hunting cryptids.”

“Uhhhh,” said Crawly.

“Great. You do you. Come on, let’s go, Jimmy.”

“Holy crap,” said Sam. “Did we just win?”

“Even if we’ve won we’ve lost. The knowledge I have gained should have remained buried.”

“Stop being melodramatic about your parents being on the internet, Tucker.”

“Not quite,” whispered Danny. “The Cryptid Crawl guys are still here.”

“What are you doing with your phone?” asked Ned after he spotted and made his way to his brother.

“I was calling the police,” said Az, faintly.

“Because of the–”

“Because of the people who made the hole in the wall, yeah,” said Az. “You know, something is very wrong with this place, but I don’t think I want to know what it is.”

“Me neither. Let’s go back to the hotel.”

“Oh, hey,” said Danny to Star as she started serving cake to the ‘head’ table, “what happened to the record-breaking cake? I don’t think I see it here.”

“And you won’t,” said Star. “Not unless you go out to the Ghost Zone or something.”

“Ah,” said Danny.

“Yeah, ah. Enjoy your cake privileges while they last, by the way. Paulina and Dash are furious that you wrecked the stuff they put together for that Phantom outfit.”

Danny sighed. “Back to normal already, then.”

The cake was surprisingly good.

(He studiously ignored the sound of sirens outside the school. If he pretended hard enough, he could almost believe it wasn’t his parents getting arrested. Again. At least they probably wouldn’t be arrested for very long. They never were.)

(And also, he could pretend that Walker wasn’t his grandfather.)

(And also– oh, who was he kidding? Nothing about his life was ever going to be normal, and he couldn’t really pretend about it, either.)

(But at least the cake was good.)

AMITY OF AMITY PARK: A Friendly Helping Hand

Ghost Activity Map, Forums, Local Business Directory, Advice Blog

Forums -> Community Alerts -> Paranormal Investigators

Thread: Did anyone else think this was surprisingly fun?

Cynosure (OP): Not that I’d want to do any of this again, but honestly, in retrospect, the overall experience was enjoyable? Does anyone else feel like this?

Phantom (MOD): No, but at least the cake was good.

[Video switches away from the school cafeteria, back to Crawly in their apartment in front of their Cryptid Crawl banner.]

Anyway, I lived on the floor for a while after that. It wasn’t so bad. Every so often, a teenager covered in flour would give me cake, though, so it wasn’t that bad. But you want to know the worst thing? That fast food worker in that one video? Yeah, she came in, but that stupid low-quality video made her look like… five years older than she actually is in-person. She’s definitely a minor, and now I have what I said in the other video on the internet for all eternity. Also, those posters totally lied. Vlad Masters never showed up even a little bit.

Just… wow. What a bust on all levels. Not even the tiger was a real cryptid. Guess that goes to show you not to believe everything you see on the internet, no matter how good it sounds, am I right? Well, this is Cryptid Crawl, signing off. As usual, contributors listed in the credits.

[Video briefly goes black. A list of usernames begins to scroll by, faster than possible to read. Video ends.]

Notes:

Aaaaand that's a wrap. Let me know what you think!

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Carelisswriting on Chapter 1 Tue 04 Apr 2023 06:43AM UTC

i love this
omg this is hilarious
i can't get over them arguing that phantom is some sort of cryptid cat or something
this is perfection
i'm so excited to see what they think of amity park
<3

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Back_Alley_Muse on Chapter 1 Tue 04 Apr 2023 01:31PM UTC

I'm just imagining them being confronted by a wise-cracking Danny Phantom. Bless their confused heart.

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OverlyAgro on Chapter 1 Tue 04 Apr 2023 03:19PM UTC

I can't stop imagining that somehow, the Cryptic Crawler is entirely right. Danny actually is just a big cat cryptid in a trench coat.
Just. Next week their visit will coincide with unasked for body-modification number twenty and Danny will really just be this non-ghostly animal thing.
Of course, since Danny will no longer be a ghost, pictures of 'Phantom' will stop being blurry, and our favorite YouTuber will get definitive proof cryptids exist. The GIW gets laughed out of existence, and entirely leagues of excited biologists and cryptid crawlers start showing up in Amity Park.
And seeing that biologists trying to study him and a bunch of people that just want to catch him on photograph are way less damaging then ghost hunters?
Well, what else is Danny to do than continue the ruse? >:D

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Flopyflor on Chapter 1 Tue 04 Apr 2023 05:30PM UTC

Tucker sends Danny the video.
I can't stop imagining the interview between this youtuber and Phantom. It would be hilarious.

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pricklenettle on Chapter 1 Tue 04 Apr 2023 06:02PM UTC

🤣 this is so fantastic, i can just imagine what could happen when they meet this ‘cryptid’ and the other residents of the most haunted town in america

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RoundaboutNow on Chapter 1 Tue 04 Apr 2023 09:34PM UTC

very interesting!
i wonder if the blogger will get to meet Phantom and what they'll think of him afterwords. maybe theyre onto something about him not being a ghost, maybe halfas and Amity Park ghosts really are something else 🤔
i especially love the part with valerie :)
excited to see more!

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Evvarr on Chapter 1 Wed 05 Apr 2023 04:11AM UTC

I love them

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Pauliestorylover on Chapter 1 Wed 05 Apr 2023 06:38AM UTC

lmao??

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The_Lord_of_Chaos on Chapter 1 Wed 05 Apr 2023 04:51PM UTC

This is so fun. Phantom isn't a ghost! The eyes don't match! Get his butt Valerie! She's sweeping ghosts (and cryptids) out of Amity Park.

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FriendlyPoltergeist on Chapter 1 Wed 05 Apr 2023 05:15PM UTC

It is sooo interesting hearing about them talk about Phantom. A lot of times I’m like “lol that’s not very accurate” But then I remember that Danny might actually be very different in this fic. I mean, he already has stoplight eyes!
/Ghost attack damage/
Yeah, I know. Just think of that poor employee who has to get funding for that.
/There’s this fun video someone photoshopped of it robbing a bank, though! No idea why anyone would do that, but, you know. It’s the internet. They got the eye color wrong, though, maybe on purpose, so that’s something. I’ll be putting the link to that video down below if any of you need a laugh./
Mx Cryptid Crawl I am grabbing you and shaking you by the shoulders. You know so much and yet so little.
Also above all, the emotion I most get is gender envy. I want to travel around and talk to a believing audience about cryptids and have two toned dyed hair!
They are a lot of what I hope to be and I hope they don’t die.

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DP_Marvel94 on Chapter 1 Wed 05 Apr 2023 06:53PM UTC

Cryptid Cat Danny is the best. 😂

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IceAndSnow on Chapter 1 Sun 09 Apr 2023 09:51PM UTC

💜💜💜💜💜

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lexosaurus on Chapter 1 Mon 17 Apr 2023 09:23PM UTC

>You see, they actually get funding for ‘ghost attacks.’ Yes, I know, it’s weird. On the other hand, they don’t give out funding for wild animal attacks.
You know, that's actually a really good conspiracy theory. Like, I could totally see people from outside Amity going into this one. Or, ya know, people from within Amity committing a little 🤏 bit of fraud here and there to get insurance to cover things it otherwise wouldn't.
Hmm....now im thinking....akjsndkfsjdnkfjn
Anyway, love the start of the fic! Cool premise!

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Flopyflor on Chapter 2 Tue 11 Apr 2023 01:37AM UTC

The Jack anihilation was great. Also Wes finally listening to some sense. Also the Investigators gave such Supernatural (the show) vibes I love it.

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TammyReadsFics on Chapter 2 Tue 11 Apr 2023 01:38AM UTC

<3

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Evvarr on Chapter 2 Tue 11 Apr 2023 01:55AM UTC

Whos Point25Back ? Anyone in particular?
Also what was the **** about , was it supposed to not popup for sone or something else

Last Edited Tue 11 Apr 2023 01:57AM UTC

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1. Marsalias on Chapter 2 Tue 11 Apr 2023 02:34AM UTC
  
  That's Dash! He's a quarterback. :D
  The **** is because the fictional forum they're in censors swearing. Tucker set it to sensor crud, too, which is what Danny was initially saying.
  
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2. 1. Black_Victor_Cachat on Chapter 2 Fri 14 Apr 2023 04:15AM UTC
    
    Who is Cynosure?
    
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  2. 1. Marsalias on Chapter 2 Fri 14 Apr 2023 04:20AM UTC
      
      It's Star. Cynosure is another name for Ursa Minor, or, more specifically, Polaris.
      
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    2. 1. Black_Victor_Cachat on Chapter 2 Fri 14 Apr 2023 04:28AM UTC
        
        Thank you! :-D
        
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IceAndSnow on Chapter 2 Tue 11 Apr 2023 04:12AM UTC

💜💜💜💜💜💜💜

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Devo342 on Chapter 2 Tue 11 Apr 2023 08:24AM UTC

Poor Jack :(
He’s just trying to be hip and with it and talk to the kids in the interwebs

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Shaveza on Chapter 2 Tue 11 Apr 2023 12:50PM UTC

I was giggling all the way through this!

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DP_Marvel94 on Chapter 2 Tue 11 Apr 2023 07:19PM UTC

🤣🤣🤣 I love how Jack Fenton keeps on getting back into the forum.

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Cryptid Crawl!

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Carelisswriting on Chapter 1 Tue 04 Apr 2023 06:43AM UTC

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Back_Alley_Muse on Chapter 1 Tue 04 Apr 2023 01:31PM UTC

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OverlyAgro on Chapter 1 Tue 04 Apr 2023 03:19PM UTC

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RoundaboutNow on Chapter 1 Tue 04 Apr 2023 09:34PM UTC

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FriendlyPoltergeist on Chapter 1 Wed 05 Apr 2023 05:15PM UTC

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DP_Marvel94 on Chapter 1 Wed 05 Apr 2023 06:53PM UTC

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IceAndSnow on Chapter 1 Sun 09 Apr 2023 09:51PM UTC

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lexosaurus on Chapter 1 Mon 17 Apr 2023 09:23PM UTC

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Flopyflor on Chapter 2 Tue 11 Apr 2023 01:37AM UTC

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Black_Victor_Cachat on Chapter 2 Fri 14 Apr 2023 04:15AM UTC

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Black_Victor_Cachat on Chapter 2 Fri 14 Apr 2023 04:28AM UTC

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Devo342 on Chapter 2 Tue 11 Apr 2023 08:24AM UTC

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