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Ben clung to Callum all the way home. One arm wrapped tightly around Callum’s waist as Callum pulled him close into his side. Ben had said everything was okay and he was fine when they broke away from their embrace, but Callum knew that wasn’t the truth. Ever since they’d been back together Callum had been paying close attention to Ben and how he was feeling. Last year, he’d missed so many signs of how much Ben was struggling. Of course Ben didn’t blame Callum for missing it, Callum had been going through his own trauma and Ben had tried hard to hide his from him, even lying to make sure he didn’t see it, but Callum still felt the guilt of not being there for Ben when he needed him the most. He vowed never to make the same mistake again. That’s how he knew Ben was struggling recently; feeling like he wasn’t enough and desperately trying to stay in control. He’d seen him drinking more, eating less and exercising and fighting to feel physically stronger.
Tonight though he knew Ben was scared. Callum could hear it in the way he cried his name so desperately as he went to retrieve Kim from the car; he could sense it when he said “It could have been you,”; he could feel it in the way he held him so tightly when they finally got a moment alone. Callum wasn’t going to let Ben feel even more afraid and useless than he had been already. Tonight he was as going to do all he could to make him feel better.
When they entered their flat Ben went straight for the whiskey in the cupboard. Another tell sign to Callum he wasn’t okay. Normally Callum wouldn’t join him but he saw an opportunity for it to let Ben see he was unnerved and try to look after him. That might lead to Ben opening up. “Can you pour me one of them?” he asked solemnly as he threw his jacket over the back of the dining chair before slumping on the couch. “Need one after tonight.”
Ben instantly turned to look at him, concern etched on his face. “You okay Babe?” he asked “Ain’t like you to reach for the hard stuff!” Ben was worried Callum had been more affected than he’d let on.
Callum let out a sigh and nodded, “I’m alright…just been a bit of a night ain’t it?”
“You can say that again,” Ben remarked. He then poured a second glass before bringing both drinks to the couch and handing one to Callum.
“Thanks Babe,” Callum said warmly as Ben sat next to him. Both took a swig of the drink and felt the burn as it hit the back their throat. Callum wasn’t a fan of the taste, unless it was on Ben’s lips. So he couldn’t help the grimace that appeared on his face.
Ben then looked at Callum and saw the look of disgust on his face. If he’d have had the energy he’d have chuckled at the sight. “Don’t know why you bother if you hate the taste so much,” he snarked with no real malice. “Must have shook you up.”
Callum shrugged slightly, “Just thought it might help steady the nerves.”
Ben placed a hand on his thigh slowly, “Well if you will play the hero,” he sighed again no malice in it but hoping it would make Callum think.”
Callum shook his head. “I ain’t a hero Ben. I’m just an idiot who rushes into things without thinking.”
Ben couldn’t believe Callum still didn’t see how amazing he was. “Are you kidding me?” he spat incredulously. “You’ve just saved a woman from a car wreck and could have had the whole of the Argee Barji fall on you in the process. You’re always putting others before yourself. If that don’t make you a hero, I don’t know what does. Honestly Cal, I’m so proud of you!”
Callum looked at Ben and smiled softly before his expression changed into something more solemn. “Didn’t seem that way afterwards. You looked a bit…I dunno…upset with me.”
Ben immediately felt guilty for his reaction and couldn’t hide it. His mask slipped and Callum knew his little subterfuge had worked. Ben took his hand in his and looked at him. “I weren’t upset with you Cal…I was…scared,” he confessed with a sigh. “I’ve almost lost you so many times Cal and I don’t think I could bear it again. With everything that’s going on at the moment…Lo and…” he didn’t want to bring up the past but he couldn’t ignore it was still very present in his mind. He just couldn’t quite bring himself to say it. “…well you know everything else that’s happened…I just don’t think I could cope without you. I’m useless as it is. I can’t help Lola and I can’t stop from Lexi from losing her mum. You’re the only thing keeping me going and holding me together…if I lost you, then I don’t know what I’d do…I’m already weak enough…without you keeping me strong…I don’t know what I’d do.” Ben hated that he seemed so pathetic but he couldn’t lie to Callum. He’d done enough if that in the past and it had almost tore them apart, since they’d reunited they’d both vowed to be honest so it didn’t happen again. That’s why he couldn’t stop the tears from pooling in his eyes and he was okay to let Callum see them for once.
Callum breathed deeply, relief that a Ben had been open but sadness that Ben still saw himself that way. “Darling, I’m so sorry I scared you,” Callum said softly as he took Ben’s other hand and brought it to their others that were joined. “But you ain’t ever gonna lose me…and if the truth be known you ain’t ever really before. Cos you’ve always been in here Ben.” He pointed to his chest. “You’re part of me and even when we weren’t together you were with me. I couldn’t ever let go of you and I never will.”
“Cal,” Ben sighed as a tear escaped his eye.
Callum immediately reached up to catch it and wipe it away with his thumb. “It’s true Ben,” he affirmed. “And you know what else is true?” He paused as he looked intently into Ben’s eyes. “You are far from useless. You are the bravest, strongest and most selfless person I know.”
Ben furrowed his eyebrows, not believing Callum could possibly think that. “I think you’re confusing me with someone else,” he argued.
Callum shook his head and smiled warmly. “No I ain’t Babe,” he insisted. “Right now you’re going through hell. You’re about to lose one of the people closest to you, someone you love so much. And it’s breaking my heart so I can’t imagine how much it is yours.” Callum felt tears prick his own eyes, “But you ain’t breaking. You are there holding Lola, Jay and Lexi up. Being there for them, financially, emotionally and pushing your own feelings aside to make sure they’re okay. Don’t tell me that ain’t selfless and done because you’re so loving Ben.”
Ben knew Callum was right in a way but he still didn’t feel it was good enough. “Anyone would have done the same.”
“Don’t sell yourself short Ben,” Callum demanded softly. “You don’t ever give yourself enough credit.” Ben went to protest again but Callum wasn’t going to let him deny how good he was anymore. “No you need to listen to me Ben. Not everyone would. We both know plenty of people who put themselves first always don’t we?” Ben knew who Callum meant and couldn’t help but huff a small laugh and nod. Callum then continued, “Not only that…but you’re still recovering from so much trauma of your own. You’re pushing all of the feelings you have about it aside to have the strength to support your family. You ain’t even told Lo.”
Ben stepped in at that point. “She’s got enough going on without me burdening her with my shit!”
Callum again stroked his face softly before grasping his hands again. “See you protect those you love by not sharing your pain. Just like you did with me…when you went through what you went through.” Callum felt the pang of guilt knowing why Ben maybe did that. “I know before I said you make your pain everyone else’s and maybe you have in the past but not now. And maybe that’s my fault cos of what I said.”
“It ain’t your fault Babe,” Ben insisted, “You were right. Sometimes I made everything about me. Like when you were kidnapped and attacked but I couldn’t get passed my own stuff with my hearing and Paul…but this time it’s different. I have to put them first.” Ben gulped back his emotions.
Callum nodded, “And that’s why you are brave and strong,” a stray tear fell from his own eyes then. “You have been through so much but you ain’t let it beat you. Yeh you’ve struggled and been to the brink. But you’ve fought back and you’re still fighting to be there your family. You’re dealing with so much and you still don’t let that stop you from being there for them. You’re amazing Ben. And you ain’t useless.”
Ben let his tears flow more freely now. “It ain’t the same Cal. I ain’t a hero like you,” he wept after a moment before dipping his head.
Callum placed two fingers under Ben’s chin and tilted his face up to look at him. “Not all heroes wear a cape Ben, or pull people from car wrecks, or run into burning buildings,” he said softly. “Some heroes are heroes because they bring out the best in others. You say I’m a hero because I’m brave and strong but until I met you I weren’t. I was a coward who hid away all their life. But you saw me and you loved me for who I was. You gave me the strength to be myself and go after what I really wanted and follow my dreams. And you’ve supported me every step of the way. So without you I’m the one who’d be nothing, I wouldn’t have the courage to save people cos I didn’t even have the strength to save myself. You’re my hero Ben. You saved me.”
Ben let Callum’s words sink in for a minute and although he found it hard to believe he knew Callum meant what he said. And because of that, he knew it was true. As his tears fell, he buried his head into Callum’s shoulder and clung to him again. Callum held him tightly and kissed Ben’s head hoping he knew that no matter what, he’d never let go of him. After a few minutes, Ben pulled back and placed a soft kiss to Callum’s lips. “How come you’re the one who risked your life tonight and you’re the one looking after me?” he asked with a wry smile.
Callum grinned widely, “Cos that’s my job. To take care of you,” he stated calmly. “Just like you’ve taken care of me. It goes both ways Darling.”
Ben smiled now and for the first time in a while he felt a sense of peace, knowing he and Callum would always give each other sanctuary and solace. “Love you DC Highway!” he said affectionately.
“Love you too. Husband of mine,” Callum replied. “More than anything!” They kissed softly again and poured all their feelings into it, hoping to show each other just how much they loved each other. Eventually Callum broke away and saw how much the conversation had taken its toll on Ben. If he was honest he was exhausted too. “How about we turn in?” He suggested. “Don’t know about you but I’m knackered.” Ben just nodded and smiled, he felt the same and all he wanted was to hold his husband.
They changed and got ready for bed quickly. Callum lay down on the bed and gestured for Ben to lay next to him. Ben sank into position and rested his head on Callum’s chest and pulled his body close to his. Callum pulled the covers over them and carded his fingers through Ben’s hair. Ben looked up at him briefly. “Promise me something,” he said. “Try and stay safe…please…I need you to be safe.”
Callum kissed the top of his head, “I promise I’ll try,” he responded. “But I need you to promise me you will too Ben. Keep talking to me Ben and let me help you. Don’t hide your feelings from me. I get you don’t want to talk to anyone else but I’m here. I’ll always be here. You ain’t looking after yourself properly…you know what I mean. “Ben nodded, knowing Callum had already noticed when he hadn’t eaten properly or when he’d overdone it with boxing and things. “So I really need you to look after yourself. And so does Lexi and if you can’t or you’re finding it hard…let me do it for you…please.”
“I’ll try,” Ben assured him, “I promise…I’ll try.” They wished each other goodnight and settled to sleep in each others arms. Ben knew Callum was here for him and that with him by his side he’d find the strength to get through this. Callum just hoped that Ben would let him help him and that he believed what he’d said. Ben would always be Callum’s hero and Callum would always try to be the same for him; the person who helped him see just how amazing he was. Perhaps if Ben let him, he could be Ben’s hero too.