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Rose woke up with a start. She was covered in sweat, her heart was racing. She didn’t dare open her eyes or move a muscle. If she moved, they’d see her, they’d find her and kill her. The fear was suffocating her.
She knew she had to move. Any part of her body would do. If she could just move and prove to her brain that there was no one else in the room with her, then the fear and panic would start to subside. This had happened before. Rose knew what would help. Once she moved, she could get her phone.
The nightmare was all a blur now. It was mixing in with other memories. Real memories. The first night when her aunt and uncle had been murdered, hiding in the closet. Running through the hotel, dodging bullets. Seeing Peter on the ground, dozens of guns pointed right at him, ready to shoot.
A sob tried to get out but her jaw was still locked shut. This wasn’t helping. Rose tried to ground herself in the moment. She was in her apartment, in Emeryville. No one else was here with her. Peter was alive. This was not some spiritual whatever telling her Peter was in danger. This was PTSD and anxiety. The feeling would pass. And it would pass faster if she could get to her phone.
Rose lay motionless on the bed, eyes still closed, every muscle in her body tensed. She focused on her breathing, reminding herself where she was and that Peter was alive.
After a few more minutes, the intense fear passed. Her heart was still racing but it was enough for Rose to turn and reach out for her phone. She moved quickly before the irrational part of her brain stopped her again. Unfortunately, she’d forgotten how close to the edge she was and Rose tumbled out of bed entirely. The cold hardwood floor was a welcome stimulus. Rose cursed herself but lay there for a few more moments. This was real. The bruise on her arm was real.
Eventually, Rose pulled herself up and managed to grab her phone from the night stand. She wiped the dried tears from her face as she opened her phone. It was a familiar pattern to go to her saved files and press play on the one titled “from Kevin <3”.
Rose put the phone down and curled up on the floor as Peter’s voice filled the dark room.
“ Uh, hi! Sorry, I’ve never actually recorded a message before.”
Rose already felt better hearing Peter’s voice. She pulled at the tangled blankets at her feet until most of her upper body was covered.
“So if you’re listening to this, I’ve been gone for two days now. Had to google how to schedule an email.” Peter chuckles. Rose closes her eyes and tries to picture him, sitting at his desk in his apartment with phone in hand. “ I just…wanted you to have something to remember me by. It’s stupid. And I’m not saying you’re gonna spend your days and nights pining over me,” Peter rushes to say. “ But you mentioned yesterday- which is four days before I leave- that I’ll be able to stalk you online whenever I want, which I will be doing, so I wanted you to have something of me too. If you ever wanted to listen to this.” There’s a long pause before he continues. Rose always pictured him rubbing the back of his neck or furrowing his brows as he thought of what to say next. “ I want you to know that I’m gonna miss you so fucking much, Rose. You…you changed my life. And I wouldn’t have it any other way. I…I don’t expect you to wait for me-” Rose scoffs at that. They’d clarified that before he left at least. “ -but, if I happen to be lucky enough to have a shot with you when I come back, I’m gonna take it. I’m gonna fight like hell to come back, Rose. Please know that.”
Rose curls up further into herself, hand tightening on her chest. The pain and yearning feel as fresh as the first time she heard this message five months ago.
“ Alright, well, I should go. You’re out picking up takeout. Thai food, again. You’ll be back soon. Just, take care of yourself while I’m gone. Don’t get wrapped up in any other government conspiracy theories.”
Another pause. The last pause. Rose savors the moment, knowing what comes next.
“ I love you, Rose Larkin. Next time I promise I’ll say it to you in person.”
Rose is crying again. “I love you too,” Rose says to the darkness. “You big doof.”
She pulls at the blanket again, needing some type of warmth. Once she’s bundled up on the floor, she reaches out and unlocks her phone. Rose hits play on the message again. She closes her eyes and eventually falls asleep to the sound of Peter’s voice.