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The apartment seems bigger.
Ver doesn’t think it’s always been like this. As far as he’s aware, he always thought that the apartment had been a little too small, a little too cramped. Really, for how little the place had cost, he shouldn’t be surprised at the lack of space he was given. And he shouldn’t question his luck. After all, it wasn't often you could find a two bedroom apartment for barely less than half of his paycheck. Still, it would have been nice if he had more space in the kitchen instead of having to bump into every nook and cranny.
But it had been something familiar, and comforting. And that was all Ver could have really asked for at the moment. To have something familiar to come home to after a long day of work, with his favourite person occupying the space before him and greeting him as they shared the space together. There was something warm about having something, someone to come home to. Having a pair of arms to fall into always eased his mind.
Too bad that’s not the case anymore.
Ver sighs as he looks around the apartment. He wonders if he missed anything but with how meticulous he’s been in handling everything, he guesses he hasn’t missed out on anything. He handles each object like he’s handling pieces of his heart in his hands, bleeding and broken and laid to despair. Ver barely notices the tremor in his hands as he carefully cleans and handles each object with as much care as he could possibly muster. Was this what a breakup entailed..? He doesn’t know.
He barely recognizes the place anymore. The frames that Doppio had put up years ago had slowly been taken down, leaving bare walls in its wake. The baby pink they’d painted the walls with stares back at him condescendingly, as if taunting him with the fact that he’d have to face the walls of the apartment alone for the foreseeable future. It was as if the baby pink walls were a reminder of what had once been theirs.
Ah, that’s right. What had once been theirs .
The words leave a bitter taste in his mouth, even if he doesn’t say them out loud. It’s odd to think of him and Doppio as something of the past, of something that’s no longer together. It leaves his soul withering, like a flame that’s barely flickering in the darkness. He’s gotten so used to being together with Doppio that being without him has sent him reeling down a path that he’s never walked on.
Ver doesn’t know how he’s survived the past two weeks. He remembers it as a blur of time past, of faces at work that ask him if he’s okay, and most especially, he remembers the lack of a certain man in his life. It feels like he hasn’t been himself for the most part for the past fortnight and he knows that to be true. He’d felt more like he’d gone on autopilot, and that his own mind hadn’t been present since November had started. The more he tries to remember, the more his stomach twists and turns. It feels like there’s been a stab to his guts, twisting his intestines around like spaghetti on a fork. It twists again when he looks at the box he’s set next to the entrance.
Doppio’s stuff had been set aside in that box.
It had pained Ver to arrange the box, let alone handle the contents of it. It had taken all of his mental willpower to sort through the knick knacks that Doppio had decorated their apartment with, ranging from the fake plants on their old coffee table to the dinosaur-shaped salt and pepper shakers that Doppio had begged him to buy ages ago. The memory of it makes him smile briefly, but it's gone as fast as it came. Smiling feels like a foreign concept to him, and he doubts he’s been doing much of it as of late, anyway.
Really, who would be able to smile after breaking up with their long term boyfriend?
Ver wonders if there had been a chance for them to work things out. For them to resolve their problems, for them to come together as one as they always had. But Ver knows it’s different this time around. This time, there had been no arguments, there had been no tension between them. It was a slow buildup, a slow realization of what they’d become. It wasn’t even a one sided conclusion; they’d both come to the same one. One that was basically the cessation of them as a couple.
They'd fallen out of love.
It had been a blow to Ver’s heart when he’d realized it. He can’t speak for Doppio but he’s pretty convinced that the taller man had felt the same. Ver had realized it the night he’d started feeling like he was going through the motions, like this was all there was to their relationship. Had they gotten complacent? Had they gotten so used to their way of living that Ver had started finding it.. Unnerving? Had the spark disappeared just like that? His answer came in the form of Doppi slowly lessening his physical contact with Ver and while it had felt like a slap to the face, Ver knew that things had changed. That they had changed.
What was the point of fighting for a love that doesn’t belong to them anymore?
He doesn’t think he’ll ever get the full story from Doppio. As open as they had been with each other, this situation was something foreign to the both of them and Ver had wanted to give them both privacy to sort out their feelings. And when they did eventually talk, there were more tears on both ends than there were words. It pained him to say it, but a part of Ver had been glad that had happened. At least he knew Doppio still cared for him, even if it wasn’t romantically.
But still, he digresses. Should falling out of love hurt this much? Ver doesn’t know the answer to that.
Today, Doppio would come over to collect the few things he’d left behind when he moved out. God, it felt weird to even think about that. Ver still remembers the day he’d asked Doppio to move in with him, as if it was yesterday and not years ago. The image of a younger, bright eyed version of his boyfriend agreeing to move in together with him still paints a pretty picture in his mind, Sadly, things change and It hurts Ver that this was his new reality.
He's shaken out of his thoughts when the doorbell rings. There's a small piece of him that’s amused when he hears a familiar series of knocks on the door, but it vanishes when he realizes he won’t be hearing that as often anymore. He shakes his head and chastises himself, telling himself that this is no time to be distracted. Today wasn’t the day for distractions - He’d done enough of that for the past two weeks.
Walking to the door, he braces himself. He hasn’t seen Doppio since he’d moved out and if Ver were to be honest, he’s a little scared to see how the other man was faring. Not that he wants to see the other man miserable, heavens no! But to see him do well when Ver had been suffering - it would bring an unknown ache to Ver’s already beaten up heart. When he opens the door, his heart drops to the pit of his stomach.
Doppio looks like a mess.
There are eye bags under his eyes and his hair looks like it hasn’t been brushed in days. There’s an exhaustion that practicality radiates from his entire being and if the shorter of the two were to take a closer look, there’s a distant, faraway look in his eyes that doesn’t sit well with Ver. The pale pallor of his skin implies the fact that he hadn’t been outside in days and if Ver were correct, which he hopes he isn’t, it would mean that meeting Ver today was the first hint of socializing he’d had in days.
Doppio smiles. Or at least, he tries to. Somehow, the grimace on Doppio’s face pains Ver more than anything else. “Hi, Ver. Been a while, huh?”
God, his voice - Doppio’s voice was what Ver had missed most of all. He was used to the voice he remembers in his memories - A husky voice that could soothe even the roughest of souls. Smooth like butter, and intoxicating as whiskey, it had always been the cure to his bad days. But hearing it like this, all broken and damaged from what Ver assumes to be lack of use, it breaks his heart just a little bit more.
“Hey, yourself.” Ver doesn't recognize the voice that comes out of him. It sounds raspy and distorted to his ears. Maybe it was from the lack of use, but his throat feels scratchier than ever as he tries to hold a proper conversation with his ex-boyfriend for the first time in weeks. Texts had been something, but talking face to face was a whole other ball park.
“So.. How’ve you been?” Doppio asks, after a beat’s silence.
“... I’ve been better. What about you?” There’s no point in lying to Doppio. He always did know how to tell whenever Ver tried to hide the truth. Ver tries to smile, but the corners of his mouth don’t quite reach upwards.
“I think I’ve seen better days too.” And judging from Doppio’s appearance, they both know that to be true.
There’s silence between them both. Ver takes this opportunity to really assess the situation. They were ex boyfriends coming out of a long term relationship. A relationship where both of them had fallen out of love and had agreed to end things amicably. And despite their agreement, they both seemed to be suffering from the consequences of their actions. The gravity of the whole situation falls heavier on the elder’s shoulders.
“Well.. we both know what I’m here for.” The younger of the two rubs the back of his neck, clearly wanting the awkward attempt of a conversation to be over. Ver shares the same sentiment. He wishes the ease of their conversations would flow back to them. Ver misses how natural it used to be to talk to Doppio - without a care in the world and like he was the only one who ever mattered to his heart.
“Yeah.. I do.” Ver mutters softly before he turns around and picks up the box that he’d set aside, full of Doppi’s random belongings. He catches sight of what was once a photo frame that held a picture of theirs and has to stop himself from breaking down into a million little pieces. He wishes he could though. He wants to be put back together again, and let Doppio piece him bit by bit with his warm hands. To be held in those strong arms was all he really wanted in that moment.
But he knows he can’t do that.
“Ah, thanks. You always were the more organized one between us.” Doppio says, as he slowly takes the box from Ver’s hands. Their fingers brush and Ver watches as Doppio’s fingers twitch. He knows they’re reaching for his own hands, as they always did but Ver knows he cannot reach back this time. With immense resilience, he pushes the box gently into Doppio’s hands and lets go once Doppio’s hands have secured themselves around the box.
Doppio stares at the box for a few seconds before turning his attention back to Ver. The distant look in his eyes is still there, clouded by an emotion that Ver can’t quite place his hands on. Clarity, perhaps? The former student council president may never know. He wishes he could look into Doppio’s mind, searching for an answer to an unknown question. But life doesn’t work that way, does it?
In a way, he feels like he’s finally let go of Doppio. It doesn’t make his heart hurt any less.
“I suppose I was.” Ver laughs deprecatingly, willing for his heart to stop pounding like it was going to rip out of his chest. How could Doppio still say such kind words about him? He doesn’t understand him. He never did, he supposes and perhaps he never will.
“Well, I guess this is it. It’s been good seeing you, Ver.” Doppio lifts the box in his hands slightly, and nods his head at Ver before starting to turn around. The exhaustion that had seeped from him seems to grow tenfold. He looks at Ver one last time and tries to smile again. “Bye, ba- Ver.”
It feels like he’s watching the scenario in slow motion. He doesn’t want Doppio to walk away. In fact, he wants to run to him and hold him in his arms. To tell him that things are okay, that they’d be okay. He wants to pepper kisses all over Doppio’s face, to soothe him and his troubles the best he can. But even he knows it’s out of the affection he’d held for the younger man, and not out of the love he knows he no longer holds. With each step Doppio takes away from him, Ver feels his breath shorten.
Is this it? Is this it for them? He can’t help but let that question circulate his mind. All those years they’d spent making plans for a future they’d never see - was it all for naught? How many times had they giggled over such domestic matters, such as what type of curtains they’d get for the apartment and what type of silverware they’d use for the guests? The silly conversations they’d had about their future, wondering if they’d live long enough to be able to possibly have grandchildren from the kids they’d adopt? Ver still remembers fantasizing about a wedding, a day he had intensely looked forward to. But he knows that it’s a day that’s just not possible for him now.
Before he can drown in his thoughts, Doppio stops in his tracks. Perplexed, Ver calls out to him. “Doppio…?”
Doppio turns to him, uncertainty written all over his face before he asks something Ver never thought he’d ask again. In a tiny whisper, he asks.
“... Can I have a hug before I go?”
Ver’s eyes soften and his arms open up before he even realizes.
“Of course, Doppi.”
The taller man gently sets the box of his belongings down on the hallway floor, with utmost care, before rushing back and scooping Ver into his arms. Ver practically melts in Doppio’s embrace, letting the familiar arms wrap around him once more. He takes in the scent of Doppio’s jacket, a recognizable sandalwood burning his every sense. He reaches for the familiar torso, letting his arms loop around Doppio’s neck. For the first time in weeks, Ver feels like he can finally breathe.
His heart feels lighter. He remembers all the other times his heart had been eased just by a hug from Doppio. There was a point in time where the only thing he’d ever wanted was to be in Doppio’s embrace, safe and away from the world’s harm. Often times, he’d wake up from a nightmare and his ex boyfriend had easily but firmly held him in his arms, chasing away the monsters in his dreams.
Resting his head in the crook of Doppio’s neck, he hums. Warm and pliant, he becomes putty in the younger man’s hands, Doppio’s arms wrap around his waist, like they always have. They’re sturdy and resilient, just as he’d remembered them to be. He feels Doppio slowly pet his head and he lets himself enjoy the feeling of being loved. They stay that way for several minutes, letting the moment envelop them in its quietness and calmness. Ver doesn’t know what it is about moments like these with Doppio, but he’d always felt safe in his arms. Being in them again, he thinks he knows what the feeling is.
It feels like being home again.
But some people outgrow home, Ver realizes as they both start to pull away from each other. They don’t fully let go though. Doppio keeps his hands on Ver’s waist and Ver keeps his hands on Doppio’s shoulders, feeling the muscle underneath the hoodie. Looking at Doppio again, he sees a genuine smile on the taller man’s face, like he’d gotten the answer to a question he’d couldn’t find the answer to. There’s a lightness to his face that hadn’t been there previously, and his eyes no longer had that distant, far away look. Ver’s heart eases a little looking at him.
Taking a step back and releasing both of them from each other’s grip, the former disciplinarian takes a deep breath and smiles at Ver. The smile is beaming, and looking at it, Ver feels his soul lift a little bit. Even if they were no longer lovers, Doppio would still remain in his heart for a long time to come. You don’t erase someone like him from your life; you just don't. With a smile reminiscent of a cloudy day, Doppio regards him with all the affection he holds in his heart.
“I’ll see you around, Ver.”
It takes most of Ver’s will to respond back as he attempts to smile back at Doppio. He thinks he succeeds.
“Yeah. I’ll.. I’ll see you around, Doppio.”
As he watches Doppio walk away from him, he doesn’t feel the same shortness of breath he’d previously felt. His heart is finally beating at a normal pace, and his stomach doesn’t feel like it’s in knots. His airway is cleared and for the first time in weeks, he feels like his mind has been cleaned of clutter and chaos and general despair. For once, he thinks he can look forward to tomorrow instead of despairing the foreseeable future. For once, he breathes .
Perhaps one day, he and Doppio might have a second chance again.
The weather is turning cold, Ver shivers, as the cold air kisses at the bare parts of his skin.
It's with a gut wrenching feeling in the pit of his stomach that he realises that he's been wearing one of Doppio's old sweaters the entire time.