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Kaidan stretches out his arm across the bed, and finds the sheets wrinkled and cool. He lifts his head from the pillow and blinks into the blue morning light, confirming the absence that lodges like a barb in his chest.
Kaidan takes a breath and slides a hand down the side of his face, glancing around the room in search of Shepard's familiar form, and not finding it.
Flinging back the covers, he swings his legs off the side of the bed, and fumbles his way into his slippers before he stands, stretches, and pads through the flat looking for Shepard. A cold breeze makes him shudder as he wrenches open the bedroom door, so he reaches for his bathrobe and shrugs it on.
Kaidan ambles towards the kitchen, yawning and scratching his neck, but when he passes the living room doorway, the billowing curtains catch his attention. Frowning, he nears the sliding doors, and when he nudges back the thick polyester, he glimpses Shepard's legs stretched out in one of the balcony chairs.
“Morning,” he greets as he steps outside. A misty drizzle lingers, and the bay spreads out before them, as dark and grey and brooding as Shepard's expression. A raven caws.
Shepard grunts in response, lifting a cigarette to his lips and taking a long drag, exhaling smoke through his nose, and chasing the gesture with a sip from a can of the cheap beer he's taken to drinking. Two empty blisterpacks and his prescription medication sit on the table beside him.
"Since when do you smoke?" Kaidan asks, drawing his bathrobe closed and tying it with a loose knot.
Shepard holds the cigarette up and squints at the glowing end. "Twelve years since I took my last drag, and every single second since, I could've murdered one."
Kaidan rubs his dry palms together and heads over to the empty seat, sitting down and feeling the chill sink into his backside first, followed by the damp.
"You're up early." He averts his eyes, stares at the choppy waters.
"Sun's up." Shepard gestures towards the horizon with his cigarette hand. "Somewhere behind all that gloom. That makes it late." He takes another puff, and then stubs it out on the damp arm of the deck chair. When he flicks it to the floor, Kaidan's eyes follow, and he finds three more butts already littering the stone.
"Making up for lost time, I see."
Shepard snorts as he reaches for the packet of cigarettes on the table. "What else am I going to do?"
"Talk to me," Kaidan urges, leaning forward and resting his elbows on his knees.
Shepard's eyes slide to him. He extracts a fifth cigarette with his lips and flips open his lighter, breathing in deeply as the heat catches. "What do you want me to say?"
"I want you to be honest with me."
"I'm always honest," Shepard grunts. Setting the lighter down, he grabs his beer and chugs back the last of the can. He belches, and crushes it, tossing it down with the cigarette butts.
"Only once you're done being evasive," Kaidan mutters. He leans back in his seat and lays his arms on the rests, curling his hands around the ends. "It's this place, isn't it?"
Shepard arches an eyebrow as he looks at Kaidan. "Places don't bother me."
"Now I know that's a lie, you belligerent asshole. What were you just saying about honesty?" Kaidan chuckles.
Shepard chuckles, too, and the sun momentarily shines through the overcast sky in his eyes as he smiles. "Touché, Alenko."
"Now are you going to tell me what's bothering you or am I going to have to keep guessing?"
Shepard sighs. "Fine, you're right. I hate this fucking place. I hate what happened here, what I did here, what I failed to do here." His eyes sweep the length of the bay. "It makes me sick."
Kaidan reaches across the small table and opens his palm. Shepard glances at it and switches his cigarette to the other hand, before taking Kaidan's.
"I'm sorry, I am being an asshole." He shakes his head. "When did I get so cynical?"
"Oh, you've always been cynical," Kaidan says. "You just hide it well."
"Oh, I don't know about that. Council might disagree with you." Shepard's smile returns, and Kaidan breathes easier for it.
Kaidan scoffs. "They'd disagree with me on principle, anyway, about anything."
Shepard slides down in his chair with a wince and stretches out his bad leg, resting his head on the back of the chair and closing his eyes against the faint morning rain. "It really is too early to be awake."
"Told you." Kaidan squeezes Shepard's limp hand, tension winding tight across his shoulder blades and knotting at root of his skull. His eyes flick to their curled fingers, and when he blinks he's sitting in the cold hospital room in London, wondering if he'll ever feel Shepard's touch again.
Then Shepard squeezes back, and Kaidan lets out a breath.
One green eye slides open, regarding him. "You okay? Felt you tense up."
"Yeah," Kaidan mutters. "Hard to shake bad memories of my own."
Shepard glances to where they're holding each other, and puts out his cigarette. "Let's get out of this morose weather," he says, and begins to push himself to his feet. "It's starting to affect you, too, and that's the last thing I want."
Kaidan is at his side instantly, and Shepard holds up a hand to dissuade him. He adjusts his shirt and takes a step, but the cold coils tight inside his joints, and he stumbles, reaching for the railing and angrily thumping his thigh with his fist.
Kaidan steps forward, and opens his mouth, but Shepard cuts him off.
"If you ask if I'm okay, or if I need help, I'm going to throw myself off this goddamn balcony," he says.
Kaidan's mouth snaps shut with an audible click of his teeth, and when Shepard glances at him, he sees him glaring out at the bay with a dark frown, arms folded, jaw set.
Shepard turns and flings himself towards the sliding doors, clinging to the glass and inching his way inside. Kaidan follows wordlessly with his cane and thrusts it at him when he closes the door, before dropping Shepard's rubbish in the trash can.
"I'll be in the kitchen if you need me," Kaidan mutters, pausing in the doorway, "For the record, I wasn't going to say anything. I learned my lesson the first hundred times you bit my head off."
Shepard's fingers whiten around his cane as he watches Kaidan leave, his teeth grinding together so hard his temples throb. His other hand clenches into a fist, blue energy sparking around his knuckles, and he shakes all over. The sparks grow and snap, every muscle in his body winding tight, and then he stops, he holds his breath, and pulls it back. The blue glow fades.
The anger flushes out of him, and his head begins to ache. He makes a half-attempt to reach the sofa before sinking to the ground where he is, curling a hand into his hair, longer than he would like, and pulling until he feels the roots scream. The burst of pain steadies him, returns rhythm to his breath, but his temples throb harder.
Shepard would be happy to stay as he is, slumped against the door with his aching leg outstretched, but the thought of Kaidan finding him like this won't let him stay down. So he stands, fighting dizziness, and his hip gives a spasm of pain. He stumbles back against the glass, as it and his cane barely keep him upright.
Reluctantly, he rolls the word around in his mouth before he says it, breathing deeply through his nose, and exhaling. "Kaidan."
Shepard hears cutlery drop, and then Kaidan appears in the doorway. Their eyes meet and Shepard's shoulders heave.
"Would you help me to the bedroom?"
Kaidan's face softens, and he steps forward. "If you're sure."
"I'm sure," Shepard says as he slides his arm around Kaidan's shoulders. "Beer, painkillers and the cold don't make for a good mix."
"I could've told you that," Kaidan says, welcoming Shepard's weight and helping him make his way down the hall.
When they reach the bed, Shepard sits down heavily, but before Kaidan can pull away, he slides his fingers around his neck and pulls him down, bowing his forehead against his. "I'm sorry. No more, I promise."
Kaidan pulls away and crouches down, resting his hands gently on Shepard's knees. "I just want to know when you stopped trusting me."
Shepard grabs Kaidan's hand, almost viciously. "I trust you with everything."
"Just not with seeing you stumble." Kaidan mutters.
"It's not that, it's that I'm still stumbling."
"It takes time." Kaidan's eyes drop, and his fingertips begin to knead the aching thigh. Shepard's face twitches. "And you said it yourself, beer, painkillers and cold is not a good combination. It's just a bad day, there are good ones, too."
"It was bad before all that," Shepard says. "Those things helped, for a while, but I'm tired of living in a bubble, I'm tired of being tired, and I'm sick of these injuries." He swallows and turns his head to the side. "Sometimes I wonder if it would be better I never survived at all."
Kaidan's fingers tense, curling painfully into Shepard's flesh, and then he pushes himself up. "Don't."
"Kaidan." Shepard scrambles forward and grabs his wrist before he can leave.
Kaidan loses his balance as his knees hit the edge of the mattress, and it's only an extended arm and a flash of blue that stops him from falling on top of Shepard. Their eyes meet, and Shepard's hand touches Kaidan's stubbled cheek. "That was unforgivable."
"Nothing you do is unforgivable," Kaidan murmurs. "But that was pretty damn close."
"I know," Shepard says. He swallows thickly, and Kaidan's eyes track the movement.
"I know you're hurt, and frustrated, and struggling," Kaidan says, fighting to keep his voice even, "but that's the deepest cut you can make, Shepard. You not surviving is already a reality I've lived, remember? And it's not a reality I will accept ever again."
Shepard stares sadly into Kaidan's face until Kaidan meets his eyes. "I understand."
"No, I don't think you do." Kaidan makes an attempt to get up, but Shepard's arms slid around his waist and keep him there.
"Then make me."
"This is what we fought for, Shepard." Kaidan shakes his head. "You and me. Someone to love, someone to live for. Now we're here, we're free to live our lives, we're free to just... be, and to hear you say those dreams that got me through all that shit mean nothing to you... I won't hear it, I shouldn't have to."
"I have lived and breathed you, I have lived and breathed your recovery, and I don't give a damn if you never recover, if every day is as hard as this one, I want to spend them all with you, living and breathing and staring into my eyes with those impossible greens. Snap at me if you want, biotic charge into the kitchen, break everything, tell me you hate my city, but don't tell me you wish my worst nightmare true. Don't say that."
Shepard tangles a hand in the hair at the back of Kaidan's head and pulls him closer, kissing his lips softly and smiling as they part. "You're everything I fought for, too. I'm sorry I forgot. I'm sorry I forgot what that feels like."
"Let me remind you." Kaidan lays a hand on Shepard's face, stroking a thumb along his cheekbone. "Let me make you glad to be alive, as glad as I am that I get to wake up beside you every morning." He kisses him, slow, but hungry. "It's all I wanted."
"You're all I wanted, too," Shepard breathes, turning his head to kiss his palm. "You're the reason I came back alive."
"I know."
"Without you there was nothing but duty and death and sorrow." Shepard buries his nose in the dark hair behind Kaidan's ear and closes his eyes. "How had I forgotten?"