Archive of Our Own

Chapter Text

The cool night sky blows wind throughout the quiet abyss. The quartet lays in their beds, resting for a new day to arrive. Suddenly, a light, as bright as can be, burns through the roof, and gathers the four out into the unknown, before anyone can scream. By the time they realize what’s happened, they’re all gone. They lay on a dark, cold metal floor.

HOBBIES: What the hell?!

ACE: What just happened!

OWEN: (Pulls out his two swords, Annie and Clarabelle, electrifying them) Stay behind me!

B.B.: (Turns his mechanical arms into claws) Me too!

???: At Ease.

B.B.: You’ve got 5 seconds to explain what the hell you did before I do something you’ll regret!

???: We Understand That You Are Confused, So Let Us Explain.

The room brightens up to reveal an army of what looks like what would happen if the Venom Symbiote merged with a Xenomorph, all of them with alien guns aimed at the Riff Crew.

OWEN: This is doing nothing but confuse and frighten me more!

???: I Am Shao Ling, Leader Of The Shao’s. We Are A Leadership Of Alien Lifeforms Who Search For Planets To Preserve, Or Planets To Exterminate. We Have Brought You Here For A Reason.

HOBBIES: Keep talking.

SHAO LING: We Are Unsure About Whether Or Not To Exterminate Your Planet, Earth.

ACE: Well, why?

SHAO LING: We Have Never Seen A Planet Before With Enough Brainpower To Exit Space Besides Us, But You Have Also Destroyed Your Planet's Ecosystem Beyond Repair. You Are The Only Planet To Hold More Than One Intelligent Form Of Life, But You Created “Love Knows No Race”.

OWEN: What the hell is “Love Knows No Race”?

SHAO LING: It Is An Invader Zim Fanfiction So Terrible, It Made Us Unsure Whether Or Not To Exterminate The Planet. That Is Why We Have Brought You Four Here. You Seem Familiar With Bad Fanfiction. 

B.B.: I’m so SO thankful I sent the footage from the show into space right now.

OWEN: Why did you-

SHAO LING: We Wish For You To Read The Fanfiction And Then Decide Whether Or Not The Planet Should Perish.

HOBBIES: Alright, we’ll do it! (Grabs Ace and whispers) Say the earth deserves to stay, regardless of how bad this ends up being, pass this onto Owen and B.B.

ACE: On it.

SHAO LING: Let It Begin!

Disclaimers- Sorry, I don’t own IZ.  If I did, I’d give you all some… but it’s not possible is it?  There might be some slight lemon hinting in here… so… YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED! MWAHAHAHAHAHA!

ACE: What’s lemon hinting?

B.B.: Sexual content, basically she’s saying there might be some hint of that.

HOBBIES: (Disgusted) Great.

PS- Tanth and a few other chars are mine! AWAY WITH YOU!

OWEN: All I need to hear! (Books it. Shao Ling grabs him with a shadow tentacle)

SHAO LING: No! You Will Stay With Us And Review This.

OWEN: And what if we don’t want to!

SHAO LING: We Will Feed You To Our Attack Dog.

The doors open to reveal a member of the Shao held on a chain on the roof.

???: (In a raspy voice.) Oh, hello. My name’s-

SHAO LING: Irrelevant.

???: Oh, right. Sorry leader.

ACE: (Walked up to them.) What was your name?

???: Shao Dough, thanks for asking!

Dib walked home without Gaz. It was pouring, and Dib was sick of the constant rain. And Zim walked at least a half of a mile behind him. Over the last few years, Zim got a clue from Tak. He had artificial skin type stuff. 

B.B.: What counts as “Artificial skin type stuff?” Is there silicon or what?

Dib sighed helplessly and stopped walking. The graduation ball was in a month, and Dib was dateless. As was Zim, Gaz was going with some freaky guy who she had fallen in love with a few weeks ago. It was scary seeing Gaz in love… 

HOBBIES: I mean it was scarily out of character

Dib sighed again and turned to face Zim.

“Zim, come here please.” Dib said into the rain.  Zim cautiously stepped up to Dib.

ACE: From a half-mile away?

“Whaddya want Dib?” Zim asked. Over the last 4 years, Zim had gotten taller and he now had black hair that dangled into his eyes,

OWEN: Zim’s an adult, he’s not getting taller, and how does he have hair now?

 the rain helped a lot.

B.B.: With what?

“I wanted to know if you wanted to come over to my house and do an experiment. I need your help.” Dib asked, fixing Zim with a blank stare.

“Yeah, sure… Wait…”  Zim reaching out slightly.  “It doesn’t involve bologna, does it?” Zim and Dib both laughed. 

“No, though that was funny…” Dib said with a cute 17 year old smile.

HOBBIES: That smile’s 17 years old?

“Yeah… It was…” Zim said looking up at the sky. “Saturday?” Zim asked snapping his attention back to Dib.

“Yeah. Oh, and FYI… my dad’s a bit odd.” Dib said walking off, leaving him the rain. But they both thought the same thing as they walked away from the ice-break point.

ACE: I thought Zim and Membrane met before in the show?

“Finally.”

That Weekend…

Dib was nervous, Gaz was gone and Professor Membrane had to out of town on an emergency. He was all alone, soon to be all alone with Zim. 

B.B.: In other words, not alone?

He paced the room wondering what would happen, fantasizing as he had the last 2 months.

Over the last few months, the Irken had become strangely attractive. 

OWEN: Great, this is a Zim/Dib fic. I shouldn’t be surprised.

Dib couldn’t explain it, but nothing had been going right the last few days. 

HOBBIES: Does anything go right in Dib’s life?

He didn’t know that the alien felt the same way… but he didn’t even want to know how…it… would work. 

B.B.: Perfect time for me to ask, Shao Ling, how do the Shao’s procreate?

SHAO LING: We Reproduce Asexually Into Symbiotes And Then Attach Ourselves To Alien Corpses To Form A Complete Being.

B.B.: So you don’t have original bodies? Fascinating! Tell me more! (Noting all this down in a notebook he slept with.)

He was an alien.

ALL: (Overly-sarcastic) No, really?

“We’re mortal enemies… but I love him?” Dib asked himself as the doorbell rang.

“Zim…” Dib whispered. He wrung his hands nervously as a knock sounded.

HOBBIES: (Creeped out) What was he doing with his hands?

“One sec!” Dib called. “I need to check something! Hold on!” Dib scampered downstairs and checked that the rat was still there.

OWEN: Writer’s still here.

“I just had to put him around my pheromone experiment. Maybe he won’t react. Maybe he doesn’t like me at all, he just wants to see my house so he can find my weakness!” Dib half yelled. “Nah…” He said walking back upstairs.

B.B.: Was that supposed to be a joke?

He opened the door with a smile to see Zim standing there, his black hair hanging in his eyes, much like Tak’s did. Dib’s jaw dropped slightly, Zim was dressed very well. If you liked guys, that is. 

HOBBIES: I don’t, but then again I don’t really like anybody but my friends.

He was wearing tight black jeans and a black tee-shirt with a red Irken symbol on it. No one believed that Zim was still going to take over the world, including Dib.

“Hey Zim…” Dib said leaning on his door like a school girl. 

ACE: Desu Desu, Not like I love you baka!

B.B.: Ace, what the fuck was that?

ACE: I was impersonating an anime schoolgirl! Did I do well?

B.B.: No. Just no. (Covering his face with his hands.)

He suddenly realized what he was doing and pulled upright.

B.B.: As should Ace.

“Dib.” He acknowledged him with a simple nod. “So, what’s going on?” Zim asked still standing outside. He was nervous to come in, much less even be there… Zim shook off the feelings as Dib turned, beckoning him in. Zim sniffed the air, with his non-existent nose. 

OWEN: How the hell does that work?

He smelled human pheromones. He couldn’t tell if they were Dib’s or not.

B.B.: Literally who else could it be?

ACE: Gaz, Membrane, that-

B.B.: Ace, You’re my friend, but shut the hell up.

ACE: You’re just jealous I’m right!

“Well, for my experiment, I took a regular sewer rat and see if it could love. It’s mating habits just seem to be for reproduction’s sake…” Dib said walking down into the Lab. 

He continued to explain. “I’ve been using human pheromones to help it in someway, but nothing’s been working.” Dib said as they walked over the rat.

HOBBIES: I would think using rat pheromones would be more useful to seduce a rat then human pheromones.

“Why did you choose human pheromones?” Zim asked Dib.

“Most accessible, anything else and I would need a warrant and proof that I am a college graduate scientist.” Dib said leaning on the table over the ugly brown sewer rat.

ACE: Am I the only one who thinks it’s creepy she knows this stuff in detail

OWEN: No, it’s freaking me out.

“Can I have a needle?” Zim asked. “And some skin cleaning supplies.” Zim said pressing a button on his belt that Dib missed. His holograph skin shorted out and his green skin seemed to glow in the dim light. Dib complied, and watched with interest as Zim cleaned his skin with the peroxide. His skin hissed and bubbled a bit.

“It was water based. Sorry…” Dib said with an apologetic tone.

B.B.: Canon Dib would be laughing his ass off, so I shall laugh in his steed. (Laughs like a cross between The Joker and Green Goblin)

SHAO LING: Do All Earthlings Act Like This?

HOBBIES: No, he’s just a lunatic.

“No problem, you just have to grit your teeth and bear it.” Zim said through clenched teeth. He took the needle and stuck it in the crook of his elbow, right above where his glove ended. Dib walked over to Zim and took off the glove for him.

“Thanks…” Zim said as he drew what looked like a creamy blue substance from his arm. He quickly removed the needle and gave it to Dib.

“Irken pheromones, try it. Just inject about a milliliter behind it’s ear…” Zim informed, activating his hologram again.

B.B.: That’s not even close to what pheromones are, did you hit your head with a train when your dad went to get the milk, you feculent insect?

A stunned silence falls over the crowd

OWEN: Wow! What the fuck! Even for you that’s cold!

B.B.: I had to work late on the cure for diabetes, and was rudely awoken, I’m in a bad mood and I’d like to go to bed soon.

“Thanks Zim.” Dib said injecting the pheromones into the rat. Suddenly, the rat became calm.

“Pick it up.” Zim said leaning on the table, looking at Dib. Dib timidly reached into the cage and petted the rat. The rat leaned into his touched and Dib swore it almost began to purr.

“Wow…” Dib said picking up the rat and cuddling it a bit.

HOBBIES: Why would Irken pheromones work on a rat, towards a human?

“Yeah, Irken pheromones have a strong structure. When we love, we love to the deepest degree. The Tallest have felt that way forever… at least I think so. That’s why, when Irkens love… we must never have our heart broken… or painful things happen to the lover…” Zim said going silent.

OWEN: Are we talking painful emotionally, or painful as in your ex ties you up in the basement “Misery” style?

“We love, but not as deeply. People murder, people divorce, breakup, cheat. But I believe that love is the basis of life. Without love, one cannot live life to the fullest.” Dib said, putting the rat back in its cage.

HOBBIES: Honestly, how do you people live being this obsessed with love? We've gotten to four fanfics in this series, all of which have love as the main goal for the protagonist. It's getting boring as hell, just make another motivation for your terrible fanfics, it’d be nice to get some variety.

“I loved once…” Zim said quietly.

“Really Zim?” Dib asked with a smile tugging at the ends of his mouth.

“Yes…” Zim paused and glanced at Dib nervously. “Hi-his name was Tanth… He left me for a tramp named Feo. Feo was the worst invader ever. He wasn’t fit.” Zim said nervously rubbing his arm.

“He? You were in love with a guy?” Dib asked. Oh my Gosh… I might have a chance! Dib thought with excitement.

ACE: Um, even discounting the fact that genders aren’t an issue, he is still an alien. No offense.

SHAO LING: None Taken.

“Yeah, all the females on Irk have…” He cleared his throat. “Very different jobs…” Zim finished looking away from Dib.

“Ah… Not gonna ask.” Dib said with a laugh. 

B.B.: Because the author didn’t wanna answer the question she herself brought up.

“You wanna stick around for a while?” Dib asked Zim, looking at him out of the corner of his eye.

“I’d like that.” Zim said with a smile.

MWAH! I’ll post another chapter in a few hours… Not like anyone CARES! 

OWEN: Got that freaking right.

Anyway… Some depth will be coming to Red and Purple’s past. AND: Purple has a new pet name… Purkle. Says me. XP

B.B.: Shut the fuck up! He’s an alien overlord, why does he need a nickname? Almighty Tallest Purple is good enough!

ACE: This is getting pretty boring honestly, right Shao Dough?

SHAO DOUGH: No kidding, but then again we’ve only-

SHAO LING: Who Said You Could Speak?

SHAO DOUGH: The playing card asked me a question, I was just-

SHAO LING: We Do Not Care For Your Reasoning, You Are To Attack Who We Tell You To Attack, Not Engage In Conversation With The Enemy. Do You Understand?

SHAO DOUGH: (sigh) Yes, Leader.

Owen, Hobbies and B.B. were just watching this unfold, during which, Owen glances a look back at the two pointing a thumb at Shao Dough. Hobbies mimes a thinking pose before smirking. The trio realized around the same time that Shao Dough could be a valuable asset to them in getting out of here, and all three were thinking of a way to use her to escape. Ace walked back to the group, only for B.B. to grab him.

B.B.: When you get the chance, continue chatting with Shao Dough.

ACE: But I don’t want to get Shao Dough in trouble!

B.B.: But do you think being in that position is fair for…….. Wait, what is their gender?

ACE: I don’t know, I didn’t want to assume!

SHAO LING: Back To The Fanfiction!

B.B.: Shit, just ask for a gender when the chapter’s over.

ACE: Deal.