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You meet her during orientation and you don’t really like her then. Her proper clothes and know-it-all comments throw you off after the scene you cause for arriving 30 minutes late to the meeting– in your defense, the campus is huge and you are new to the city. The excuse doesn’t seem to cut it for her and under her heated gaze you shrink, and for a while, you keep your distance. Until you are placed in the same seminar as her and things change, then; they get easier, almost lighter, as you two laugh about you tripping on your way to the coffee shop across the street or as she asks you questions about some social theory she didn’t quite understand. Some sort of friendship is formed there and then, and you think that this might just be what you needed.
Her name is Jisoo, and for months, you call her with admiration in your voice. Beautiful and intelligent, Jisoo is all you think you’ll never be; she is healthy, loved, and admired. You, on the other hand, can barely sleep more than five hours a night, constantly forgets to eat, and never, as they say, ‘put yourself out there.’ But for some reason, she likes you. She thinks you’re funny and adorable and she says you’re smart and pretty, and you think that this is a friendship that will last long… it has to. These are supposed to be the best years of your life, so what more could you wish for but to share it with someone else? Safe to say that back home you weren’t the most extroverted of people– staying at home always a more tempting option that going to a party, a park, a show. Staying inside was safe, back home; it was easy… but you’re not back home anymore and if you don’t make friends now, you might as well go back.
You can always come back, is what your mom says when she drops you off at the dorms. There is always a place for you back home. But going back for you, and for many others as you later discover, means defeat. It means failure. And failure is something you can’t deal with. You won’t. Not after all you did to get where you are. So you make friends instead, as hard as it is in the beginning, as hard as it continues being even after six months. It’s okay though, because Jisoo is there to buffer all awkwardness out of you, and instead of weird, people think you’re funny.
For a while, that’s enough for you; being the funny girl. Until it isn’t anymore and you think it is because he shows up. Or better yet, because Jisoo brought him along.
He introduces himself as Namjoon, but you’ve heard of him before putting a face to the name. The infamous Namjoon, you think as you smile, shaking his hand. It’s something about the way he looks at you, eyes piercing into yours, that makes you nervous and you babble away; joke after joke making him smile and laugh, but those eyes never change, never falter. They size you up and down, they watch your every move, memorize every expression, they make you squirm and sweat and everyone notices. His friends– all of them from the same city as him, all of them talking about the same things as him– laugh and joke and you don’t get it, but you feel it. You feel it as they laugh at you, as they joke about you, as they point to you.
“You’re imagining things,” Is what Jisoo tells you as you voice out your worried. “Don’t worry about it! They adore you!”
“I don’t know…” You mumble, fiddling your thumbs as she drinks from her pint. It’s Friday night, meaning the Psychology department is housing their weekly on-campus social gathering, hoping to unite students from different courses under less pressuring circumstances. “It felt odd.”
“You always thinks it feels odd,” She chuckles, arm loose around your neck as she pulls you closer. “But I promise they like you; how could they not?! You’re amazing!”
You smile and decide to drop it. Jisoo wouldn’t understand, is what you conclude, mainly because everyone loves her; but also because they love her. All of them– Namjoon and his friends. They have so much in common and most of the times you feel like an intruder. You feel like a plus one and that’s when the jokes start, one after the other, forming a shield around you that says hey, you might not like me, but at least I can make you laugh!
“Whatever you say, my love,” You giggle, arm steadying her as she starts to sway.
“Oh, hey Y/N!”
Turning around a bit too fast, Jisoo slips right out of your grasp and onto the group of chatting people, laughing as if it had all been but a funny accident. Eyes wide as they meet his, you gasp in surprise.
“H-Hi Joon,” You smile too wide, too happy, and you know he notices. “Why are you still on campus? It’s almost eig–“
“Just going home from the library,” He chuckles, nodding back to the building behind you. “Just working on dissertation stuff and all of that.”
He is talking, and you hear him, but you notice how his eyes move behind you, to the group of people having fun and laughing and hugging each other and you soften. His lips lift in a gentle smile and at that moment, seeing him like that, you have no wise joke to break the moment, no witty comment to make him laugh. At that moment, you just let him be, giving him a soft nudge with mumbled words.
“Do you want to stay for a bit?” His eyes go a bit wide with the proposition. “Just for a bit, if you’re in a hurry, I mean–“
“I’d love to,” He responds and that’s how your night gets a hell of a lot better. Dropping his bag by his feet as he leans on the wall, Namjoon looks like a model– like a brown-haired, dark-eyed model out for your heart. “How’s school treating you?”
“Ah, you know,” You shrug, chuckling. “Same as everyone– head empty, no thoughts… just social psychology theories on gender inequality and the consequential dread of, once again, knowing that humans are all rotten creatures.”
“Oh, yes, absolutely,” He laughs, brows raised. “That exactly how school is for everyone.”
“You meant to tell me that it isn’t like this for you?!” You fake gasp, hand over your heart. “You have no idea what you’re missing, then.”
“Must be missing a lot,” And his eyes glint with a mischievous, childish glee that makes you giggle like a high schooler with a crush. “Why don’t you show me how it’s truly done, one of these days?”
“I’d love to, but I’m not sure how I’d reach you,” Is this what flirting feels like? Like you are soaring and will never land? “You know, in case it’s an in-the-moment thing.”
“I could never miss a learning opportunity like that,” He says, pulling his phone out of his pocket. “So maybe you can give me your number and I’ll text you?”
“Yes, Namjoon,” You cheer, clapping as he bows down. “Give me solutions, not problems.”
“Only if you give me your number,” He winks and you blush, typing the number anyway. Jisoo sees the exchange and winks, giggling before going back to her conversation.
After that, it only goes uphill. Namjoon stays for a while longer and only when you decide to leave– something about dinner with a friend– he says goodbye to everyone. If you think back to that moment, now that you feel like you have to, you’d notice the way his eyes linger on Jisoo; the way his hand hesitates in her waist or how his smile never leaves when she’s around. But at that moment everything is so good and perfect and mind-blowing and you don’t notice all of that. You don’t notice anything besides how smiled at you or how he looked at you. It was all about you you you and honestly you think it’s a bit your fault– the signs were there and all you had to do was want to see them.
But you didn’t and that’s how you find yourself in Jisoo’s house, sitting in between her flatmate, Woosung, and Namjoon, himself. Jisoo is cutting vegetables for the dinner she insisted on hosting and no matter how much you try, she won’t let you help.
“Sit down and relax,” She chuckles, pushing you back towards the dinner table. “Talk with the guys.”
Gulping nervously, you sit back down, and it’s like you are trapped in between feral animals. Woosung, with his charming smile and sneaky hands on your legs that make you giggle since the first time you met him, months ago; and then Namjoon, with his chest puffed out, voice loud and booming through the tiny kitchen, and arm around the back of your chair. While Woosung leans forward, making himself present in the warmest of ways, Namjoon leans back, slowly observing everything unfold, controlling the situation from afar. The overwhelming tension that runs through your body is what makes you get up, chair screeching against the wooden floor as you rush outside.
The fire pit is empty, the usual light that illuminates everyone as they drink and chat is gone, and you sit in one of the beach chairs propped by the corner, folding your legs to your chest and sighing in relief as silence washed over you. Sometimes– a lot of times, actually– people overwhelmed you; in between their voices coming from left and right and them calling your name repeatedly, you need five minutes of silence to simply… be.
“It’s a lot, huh?”
You don’t have to look to see Woosung’s beaming face by the door. He chuckles when you let your head fall forward, forehead to you knees, and sits down next to you. A comforting hand finds your back, rubbing soothing circles on your back and you turn to smile to him– a friendly thank you.
“A bit too much, yeah,” You mumble, breathing deeply.
“Well, then you should prepare yourself, cause Lia just got here.”
That makes you groan in preemptive pain. Lia, also known as one of Jisoo’s best friends, absolutely hates you. And that’s a fact. She makes no point in hiding it, and you make no point in pretending not to know… she loathes you. And you have your theories as to why– well, actually, just one theory.
Jisoo.
You truly believe that Lia is jealous of you because of Jisoo. You stole her friend. You are younger, as she always makes a point of noting to everyone. Jisoo spends more time with you than with anyone else and Lia doesn’t like it. Just like how she doesn’t like you.
“Oh, Y/N is here?”
Woosung sighs before turning to look at Lia leaning by the door. He looks back at you before offering her a charming smile and pushing her back inside. Following right after, you feel like you walked into a whole different room. Jisoo and Namjoon are giggling in the corner, staring into each other’s eyes until your friend blinks and a victorious “ha! I win!” comes from the taller man. Woosung, on the other hand, is busy laughing away with Lia and for that you are actually thankful, happy that someone is keeping her busy enough to not bother you. Sitting down back at the table just feels wrong at this point, a chill going down your spine as you suddenly feel very out of place, and you know it’s time to go home.
“Jisoo,” You mumble, voice quiet in a way that makes her frown and pet your head. “I think I’m gonna go home, babe. I’m super tired and we have that big essay due in a few days.”
“Aw, so soon?” She pouts, but nods anyway. “It’s quite late already, I’m sorry we started to cook so late… will you be okay out there by yourself? You can sleep here, you know?”
“Yeah, but you know I’m all weird about sleeping in a bed that’s not mine,” You chuckle, shaking your head as you move to the living room to get your bag from where you left it in the couch.
That’s where Woosung finds you, looking at one of the wilderness pictures he turned into a poster. You know it’s his picture because at one of the many house parties they threw, he found you having some alone time in the living room and you two ended up talking the whole night. It was the only time you slept over Jisoo’s, and the next day you woke up with a weird kink on your neck from sleeping on the man’s shoulder.
“We all know that,” He says, winking. You roll your eyes with a teasing smile and hug him goodbye, basking in the forever warmth of Woosung before promising to text him when you get home. “Wait!”
“Yeah?” Your hand is one the door.
“I’ll wait with you on the bus station,” Woosung says, nodding to himself. “It’s too late for you to be outside by yourself.”
“Oh, no need, man,” Namjoon suddenly appears from the kitchen, jacket on and backpack in hands. He is looking at something on his phone before raising his head and patting Woosung on his back. “I’m leaving too, so I’ll just stay there with her.”
“Uh, you don’t have to–“
“I want to,” Namjoon smiles and oh man, that smile. That smile is enough to have you weak at the knees, dimples showing and eyes almost gone under the weight of that perfect, warm, comforting smile. “Now let’s go, it’s really getting late and I know you get crabby when you don’t sleep enough.”
“Oh, come on,” You grumble, blushing as he pushed you through the front door. “I am never crabby.”
“Ain’t that the truth,” He laughs. “Lia threw some hard comments at you there and you just laughed it off like a pro. I’ve never seen someone more… zen.”
“It’s all about smiling and waving, boys,” You joke, and even though unexpectedly, Namjoon laughs at your Madagascar reference.
“Cute,” He mumbles.
You two walk in silence; Namjoon with his bike next to him, and you pulling your jacket closer, waiting for the bus that was apparently late.
“You can go,” You tell him after a while, frowning at the empty street. “It’s getting late and cold and–"
“I’m not leaving until I see you get inside a bus,” He shakes his head, and the man’s never looked so hot before. But of course everything that goes up, has to come down, and when he opens his mouth and no sounds comes out, you wait. You wait because you know that what comes next, you won’t like. “Y/N… can I ask you something?”
“Of course!” You say, and it comes out a bit too chirpy, a bit too fake.
“Do… do you know if Jisoo is seeing someone?”
“Uh… not that I know of, no,” You smile, but it never reaches your eyes. Almost like a defensive mechanism though, your face twists until it’s set on a teasing smirk. “Why? You want to ask her out?”
“Hm,” He hums, laughing at your wiggling brows. “Maybe I will. We’ll see.”
“Well, if you want to, you should just go for it,” You don’t know why you’re telling him that, you don’t understand, but words just come out and they won’t stop. “There is no way for you to know until you ask her.”
“You think so?”
You know so.
“Absolutely.”
And then your bus come, and with a quick hug, he’s gone in his bike.
————————————————————
You actually see Namjoon again two days later, on a lazy Sunday that demanded a bit too much of your inexistent will to get things done. Your computer had broken down and you dropped it off at the repair store before heading to Jisoo’s for that god forsaken dinner.
“When I asked them to make it quick, I didn’t mean on a Sunday,” You whine, dragging your feet to the gigantic electronics store while Namjoon patted your back.
“At least now you’ll be able to continue with your dissertation,” He says absentmindedly, and that makes you whine even louder. “Oh come on, you love studying, you nerd.”
“So do you,” You elbow him in the ribs lightly, queueing up.
“Especially together,” He smiles wide, and you roll your eyes, but not at him, no– you roll your eyes at your stupid heart, doing soft badum-badums. “Okay, how about you go get your computer, and I’ll go get us coffee?”
“You don’t drink coffee,” You point out, squinting suspiciously.
“But you do,” He chuckles, voice deep and low. “Unhealthy amounts of it, if I do say so myself.”
“You do not say so yourself,” You push him away. “Can you get me a–“
“Large latte, whole milk, two sugars,” He shouts, waving with his back to you. “See you in ten.”
And if the cheesy lines didn’t get to you before, this definitely did the trick.
It doesn’t take long for you to get your computer, and true to his word, he is waiting outside for you, coffee in one hand and a bag in the other. Namjoon is quick to give you both, gently guiding through the streets you as you have your first meal of the day, and before you know it, you are sitting on a bench in the middle of a park, watching a couple play tennis in the court.
“Y/N, have you seen Jisoo this weekend?”
“Yeah,” You smile, unknowingly. “We went out yesterday for food.”
You remember the dinner with fondness. It was the first time you and Jisoo actually talked boys without the looming presence of other people around. It was the first time it was just you two, giggling with a youth that runs away the more you chase it, talking boys and calling yourselves girls. It was a night that relaxing was allowed, and none of you thought about Master’s dissertation, or jobs, or the adult life waiting to trap you into a system of working to live, and living to work. You also remember asking her is she thought Namjoon was hitting on you. Her eyes widen a bit, and tells you that yes, she did get some flirty vibes from him and that you should just see where this goes. Have fun, is what she told you, laughing with a twinkle in her eyes. It was a good night, you conclude, nodding to yourself.
“So she told you, right?"
“What?”
“She… she told you about me, right?”
“W-What about you?” You whisper, eyes wide and round, and you feel it again– the cold chill going down your spine.
“Oh.”
And it’s so awkward for a moment; it’s so weird and unnatural and unlike you two that it makes you want to cry.
“She didn’t tell you, then…” Namjoon scoffs, looking down at his hands while shaking his head. “I… I thought she’d tell you. You’re her best friend.”
“Uh… I-I’m sorry, I don’t know–“
“It’s not your fault,” Namjoon says, hand flying to pat your knee. “It’s just– I mean, I can’t help but feel frustrated.”
“What happened, Joon?”
“She made a fool out of me, I guess,” He shrugs. “We… were having a thing– or at least I thought we were! And we slept together and suddenly she is cold and distant and I like her, you know?! I really do, because she is smart, and beautiful, and funny, but… I don’t know.”
“Oh,” Is all that you manage, still trying to wrap your head around all the news.
“Yeah… remember your birthday? When you did that lunch and she was late?”
“How do you know about that?” You frown, confused.
“She was with me.”
“That was two weeks ago,” You breathe out, realization settling in. Two weeks ago, you repeat to yourself. Two weeks, so last night…
You’ve never felt like an idiot as much as you do, right now. Never felt this betrayed before; this disappointed. But then it switches, and you can’t find it within yourself to be angry at her, no… your were angry at yourself– were you that bad of a friend that Jisoo felt the need to hide that from you? Were you that self-involved that you didn’t even give her space to feel safe and talk about it?
“Yeah, I know,” Namjoon scoffs, and it’s almost like something downs on him, and he turns to you with desperation in his face, hands holding yours in plea. “You can’t tell her I told you, Y/N! If she didn’t tell you, there is probably a reason why, and I didn’t mean to spill it like this and–“
“Don’t worry about it,” You laugh humorlessly, head a bit dizzy. “This is none of my business… I’ll just stay out of it. Pinky promise.”
“Pinky promise…?” The way your heart pitter-patters at his confusion at your little finger stretched out to him is enough to have you wanting to vomit, suddenly overwhelmed with the reality of it all.
“Yeah,” You force yourself to lace your pinky with his. “That means that if I break my promise, you can cut my pinky off.”
His hearty laugh doesn’t help with the nausea.
“I would never hurt you,” He mumbles, sliding his arm behind your shoulders and hugging you to him. You can’t do anything but wait until it’s over. “Thanks for being here for me.”
“Always, Joon,” You mumble, closing your eyes.
Going home was almost like your body’s been set to automatic, one foot in front of the other into the bus, and then out of it. Your flatmate is home when you get there, baking and filling the house with a comforting smell of butter and sugar and that sets you off so quickly that you barely make it to the couch, crumbling in the hallway in tears. It’s all too much– trying to understand the reason why, how, when. She guides you to the living room, where she sits you down and simply listens. You can see the confusion settling in her the same way it did on you, and when you are done, she hugs you.
“I can’t believe she did this,” She sighs, pulling away to get you some tea. “I can’t… what was she thinking?! She knew he liked her, she knew they were doing whatever they were doing, and she was still encouraging you to go after him? What the fuck is that? An elaborate plan to–“
“Do you think he became my friend because he liked her?”
The question is the one that’s been weighting on your shoulders ever since Namjoon waved you goodbye at the bus station. It’s like he was the key to your Pandora Box, and now that everything was out in the open, things that you barely remembered before, come to the front of your mind and you can’t stop thinking about them…
…about how prettier Jisoo is.
…about how smarter Jisoo is.
…about how nicer, and funnier, and kinder Jisoo is.
It pains you to compare yourself to your friend, it really does. You loathe competition, hates the feeling that it brews inside of you, but it’s almost like suddenly you are put under a spotlight, and people will get to pick and choose what to comment on, what to tell you is wrong with you. What to point out in you and tell you how much worse it is in comparison to Jisoo.
Because people know. And that you know. Namjoon surely told Jin and Yoongi. They are his best friends. And as much as you adore them, Jin can’t keep a secret to save his life. Meaning the whole department on campus knows.
The whole department except you, technically.
The buzzing from your phone won’t stop and it’s giving you a headache, so when you grab it and see Jisoo’s name with the contact picture of you two smiling at each other, it’s an instinct to pick up. It’s an instinct to always be there for Jisoo, because that’s the kind of person you are. You’d give everything to those you love, even if they just take it and take it and never give anything in return.
“H-Hello?”
The disbelief in the face of your flatmate has you shrinking down on the couch.
“Babe!” Jisoo’s cheery voice echoes in your pouring head and you wince. “Where are you? Woosung, Lia, and I are going to a tea house and get some proper afternoon tea! Come meet us– I sent you the address already!”
“I…” Your eyes wander to your flatmate and you see her shaking her head. “I can’t.”
“What?” And you know she is pouting. “Why?! I haven’t seen you since dinner on Friday!”
“I have to… take care of the dog,” It’s the first thing that comes to mind as you see your flatmate’s dog sleeping peacefully in his bed, white fluffy fur going steadily up and down and up and down and up and down and–
“Again?”
“Yep,” You clear your throat, pithing the bridge of your nose. “She’s on a date and I need to watch him. Sorry, Jisoo, maybe next time.”
“Yeah… babe, are you okay? You sound a bit off,” She mumbles, and it hurts you even more to lie to her.
“I’m all good, just a bit tired.”
“Are you sure?”
“Absolutely!” The fake happiness is so obvious, but you don’t have the energy to care about that. “Have fun, you guys! I got to go.”
“Alright, will I see you in the library tomorrow, then?” She asks, and you just want to hang up, hang up, goddammit. “Our usual pla–“
“I don’t think I’m coming in tomorrow,” You tell her, thumb hovering over the red button on the screen.
“Wha–“
“Oh, time to feed the wild beast,” You joke, saying goodbye and then turning off your phone completely.
Your flatmate stares at you, sympathetic smile on her face as she closes the curtains in the living room, bringing to the couch the fresh cookies, still warm, and putting on a dumb movie that you can cry about without feeling pathetic for it.
When you turn your phone on again, before going to bed, you have messages and missed calls from both Jisoo and Namjoon, and you just ignore them.
It’s better this way.
For all of you… you fooled yourself once, you’re not gonna let yourself do it again.