Archive of Our Own

Transcript of Bitty’s Bakes Episode 103 — June 12, 2024

Bitty: (Standing in his studio kitchen, wearing an apron) Welcome everyone to today’s episode of Bitty’s Bakes! I’m Bitty and I am so glad you’re here because today is one of the longest-anticipated episodes we have had in a while. Ain’t it, Moomaw?

Moomaw: Oh, honey. I am so excited. My heart is all a’flutter.

B: (laughs) That’s because our guest today is not only a two-time Stanley Cup winner, captain of the Providence Falconers, and one of People’s Sexiest Men Alive, he is also a great friend of the show. Here to help me bake today’s treat is Mr. Jack Zimmermann!

(Audience cheers)

(Jack Zimmermann walks modestly toward Bitty from backstage, wearing jeans and a robin’s-egg-blue polo. The crowd gets significantly louder when they see how attractive he is. He waves at the audience. A few people wolf-whistle. Bitty beams at Zimmermann as he approaches. Zimmermann is significantly taller than Bitty, who he leans down to embrace. They hug like old friends. The crowd continues to cheer as Bitty and Zimmermann turn back toward the audience—they can tell how pleased Bitty is with his guest. Bitty laughs to the audience. Zimmermann turns to shake hands with Moomaw and kiss her on the cheek).

B: All right, all right. Well, here we are! Welcome, Jack. It’s so good to see you!

JZ: Hello, Bittle. Thank you for having me.

B: Some of y’all might already know this. Lord knows, it’s easy enough to find on Google, but this man here and I go way back. Don’t we, Jack?

JZ: (Smiles warmly) Oh, you bet. (To camera) Bittle and I played hockey together in college.

B: (Giggles) That’s right, Mr. Zimmermann! Played on the same line and everything.

JZ: For two years.

B: Two wonderful years. In fact, that hockey team was where I got the nickname, Bitty! Now, Jack—you’ve done this before. You know what to do. Get out your flour! Everyone, we are going to make Jack Zimmermann’s favorite pie! I used to make this for him whenever I wanted him to break his hockey diet. Nothing will break down the Jack Zimmermann will of iron like maple-crusted apple pie. (To audience) We are going back to basics here, people. Long-time viewers will know my crust-making method by heart by now, but this one has a twist. We’re going to add maple sugar to the crust! There will also be maple syrup in the filling so as to really infuse the pie with that great maple flavor. (To JZ) You all set, Jack?

JZ: All set.

B: You haven’t had pie like this in a while, have you?

JZ: Nobody makes it like you, Bittle.

B: Well, aren’t you sweet, Mr. Zimmermann! You weren’t so happy with me back then. Always tempting those NCAA hockey players with baked goods.

JZ: Well, I suppose I was wrong.

B: Oh, really?

JZ: After all, which one of us captained the team to a Frozen Four victory, eh?

B: (Laughs) For those of you wondering at home. It was me.

(Audience laughs and applauds)

B: Okay, so now we’re going to make our crust in the food processor. We’re going to make the base crust and the top so we’ve got 2 1/2 cups of flour. Yep, just put that in there. 1 teaspoon kosher salt. Put in your sugar, that’s a whole tablespoon. 2 whole sticks of unsalted butter, cubed. I said unsalted people! Always remember that your butter should be unsalted for baking. A lot of beginner pastry chefs make that mistake. Okay, and then make sure your ice water is available. Jack, you’ve done this before. Tell the people what the ice water is for.

JZ: Euh, well. When you’re making pie crust, you want a certain amount of lamination with the butter. So, you have to mix the dough enough that it comes together without melting the butter. Or overworking the dough. The water helps the dough come together without ruining the lamination.

B: (Looks impressed at the audience) Wow, Jack, good job!

(Audience claps)

B: All right, let’s get this dough mixed! Jack here is going to pulse the dough while I slowly drizzle in the ice water. You should not have to use more than 4 tablespoons of ice water, that’s a quarter cup. If you don’t have a food processor, you can do all of this in a bowl, but it’s trickier because it’s easier to melt the butter or overwork it. Moomaw over here is a master at hand-made dough and she’ll demonstrate while we work on this.

(Jack starts pulsing the food processor. Bitty is at the ready with the ice water which he slowly streams in. The camera cuts to Moomaw on the other side of the counter who is using two knives in a bowl. She mixes the butter and half the flour until it turns into a paste. Then, she adds another cup of flour and continues to mix)

M: You’ve got to have cold hands for this part!

(Audience laughs)

B: Isn’t she incredible? All right, and then we’re going to dump all of this out onto this ready plastic wrap. This is the hard part. But it’s okay, just like anything, it takes practice. Jack here is going to bring this dough together. Yeah, just like that. And then we’re going to wrap it up in this plastic wrap and put it in the fridge where it will sit for at least one hour. You can even keep it in there overnight.

(Jack and Moomaw put their dough in the fridge. Moomaw returns to her seat in the studio breakfast nook).

B: So, Jack and I used to be very close—

JZ: Best friends.

B: (Smiles and puts his hand on JZ’s shoulder) Yes, best friends. But we haven’t been in touch for many years. This is my first time seeing you in…how long?

JZ: About five—five-and-a-half years?

B: That’s right. The last time we saw each other was at my old apartment…

JZ: Yes, for New Year’s Eve.

B: New Year’s—Yes, that’s right. After I graduated from Samwell—that’s where we went to college—I would try to host New Year’s at my place every year, and get the team back together. That was the last one we had since the pandemic happened only a few months later. I remember that you came with our friend, our mutual friend Shi—Byron—

JZ: (Smirking) Yeah, Byron.

B: And—I’m sorry, do you want to tell this story?

JZ: No, you can tell it.

B: All right, sir, I’ll tell it while you start on the maple sugar. It’s real simple. We’re just going to boil some maple syrup down to remove the water and then stir vigorously to form the granules. (Bitty lights the stove under the sauce pan that already has maple syrup in it. He hands JZ a small rubber spatula). I’ll tell my side and then you can tell your side.

JZ: Okay.

B: Okay, so our mutual friend—whose hockey nickname is not appropriate for daytime television—called me up and said, “Bitty, my man, guess who’s in town for el Nuevo año?” (Audience laughs at Bitty’s accent). And it was you! I wasn’t expecting you because you had had an away game just the day before and I didn’t think you’d be up for a party.

But you were up for it and you came to that little apartment I had right as the show was starting. And it was full to the brim with former hockey players. I remember the party was not up to my usual standards because with the show, I barely had enough time to prepare. But it was okay because everybody chipped in—Justin brought a beautiful salmon, and William helped with the baking, and Chris and Caitlin made three gorgeous big salads.

The party got a bit out of hand, however, because Shi—Byron made tub juice—which also is not appropriate for network television.

(Audience laughs)

B: Everyone got very…excited.

JZ: And loud.

B: And loud. And I spent the whole night putting out fires. Metaphorical fires. I was so busy I completely missed the countdown! But we did get to see each other a little bit, you helped me take all the pies out of the oven, I remember. Does that all sound right?

JZ: (Flustered) Well, all I know is that I told Shi—Byron that I wanted to kiss you at midnight, and he thought—

(There is a gasp in the audience. Bitty blanches).

B: What?!

(The audience gets louder).

JZ: (Still stirring the maple syrup). Yeah. I had been flirting with you for weeks—

(Screams come from the audience. All the blood is gone from Bitty’s face)

JZ: Yes. I was laying the groundwork so you wouldn’t be surprised…

B: Excuse me?!

JZ: And we were spending time together and flirting and a little bit before the countdown happened, and then you said, “I’ll be right back.” But you didn’t and you missed the countdown and I thought, “Okay, well, he’s clearly not interested.” And then when I saw you again, you were busy, so…

B: What?! Are you kiddin’ me?!

JZ: Well, you disappeared…

B: I was crying in the bathroom!

JZ: You…really?

B: (Bitty grabs the spatula from JZ and starts stirring the maple syrup himself). Yes. Because I went to my room and found that Nursey and Dex had been roughhousing in the bed and accidentally tore my childhood stuffed rabbit!

JZ: Euh…?

B: You know, they got together that night! They were rolling around and I have had Señor Bun since I was a tiny child so he was very delicate. Dex said he could fix it, but I knew he would never be the same...

JZ: But I waited up for you and then…

B: Nobody knew about Señor Bun and I was so embarrassed to be cryin’ over a stuffed animal as a grown man. That’s why I was hiding during the countdown!

JZ: You..really?

(There is a cacophony of laughter, groans, and tortured screeching from the audience)

B: Are you—Lord, have mercy!

JZ: (Laughing) I didn’t see you all night.

B: What?! I was hosting!

JZ: I tried to help!

(Bitty and JZ look at each other. There is a palpable tension. The audience gets even louder. Multiple people are screaming at both of them)

B: (Drops the spatula) Oh, good gracious. I have to calm down. Okay. (Clears throat) I can’t believe. You know, what? Just. This maple sugar takes a little while. There’s—look it up on our YouTube channel, y’all. (Bitty leans over to turn off the stove). I—You have to get started on that filling, sir.

JZ: Yeah. (Jack pulls a bowl of apple slices toward him).

B: Yes—well—also— (Jack and Bitty make eye contact). Mr Zimmermann!

JZ: What?

B: Don’t “what” me, you know “what!”

JZ: You’re blushing

B: Of course I’m blushing!

JZ: (Smirks)

B: Don’t look at me, look at your ingredients! (Picks up a glass pinch bowl of cornstarch).

JZ: (Looks at Bitty again, and they start laughing)

B: (Puts pinch bowl down) Oh, my goodness. I can’t believe I could’ve kissed Jack Zimmermann. (Picks up the pinch bowl again). No, don’t—here, put in this blessed cornstarch.

JZ: (Dumps cornstarch into the bowl of apple slices).

(The audience cannot stop freaking out).

JZ: I don’t think we’re going to get through this recipe.

B: You stop that. (Points at audience) You all stop that, too. (Audience laughs)

B: This is fine, we’ll edit that part out.

Audience: Nooo!!

(Bitty and JZ laugh).

B: Okay. Pie! So now, we’re going to toss— (descends into giggles)

JZ: (Laughing) Oh no. You can’t do it.

B: (Shaking out his shoulders) No! No, I can do it. (Grabs another pinch bowl). We’re (giggles) putting in however much cinnamon this is. And (laughs) this is some maple syrup. And you like (laughs) a little bit of cardamom…Whew! I need to take a break. (Steps back to fan himself). Okay, mister. Put your hands in this bowl of apples and we’re going to toss all of these together.

(Camera shot from above. Jack’s hands join Bitty’s in the bowl). (Front camera: Bitty and Jack make eye contact).

JZ: You really didn’t know?

(The audience goes silent for a beat. Then a voice rings out, “Oh my God!” Another swelling chorus of “Ooohs” rises).

B: No, I did not know. If I had known I would’ve—

(The audience gets louder with excited chatter. They feel like something is about to happen).

JZ: (Smiles and lifts his hands out of the bowl and grips it. He looks down at Bitty, whose neck has to crane to look up at JZ). You know, Shi—Byron told me you aren’t seeing anyone.

B: Well, that’s true…

(From the audience there is a chorus of more barely-contained squealing. The audience is conflicted between trying to hear what they are saying and expressing their euphoria at the drama unfolding before them).

(JZ leans down to press his lips to Bitty’s. Bitty kisses him back).

(The audience loses it).