Work Text:
i. (1 pt.) Who are you?
A. Wekapipo, a firstborn of the nobility in the Kingdom of Naples; duty-bound to serve the royal family; blood-bound to find happiness for your sister; and honor-bound to live, fight, and die for the greater good.
B. Wekapipo, a practitioner of the Spin, master of Left Side Ataxia. You’re good with a sword and even better with a steel ball.
C. A thousand things, none of them mine.
D. Surely you must be somebody, at least.
E. Nobody.
ii. (1 pt.) “Wekapipo.” Is that your first name or your last?
A. First name.
B. Last name.
C. Middle name.
D. You have no name. Not anymore. Not since the exile.
iii. (1 pt.) Think back, good man. It is a wonderfully hot summer day but there is a wonderfully cool summer breeze. You are dressed in the best white uniform you could afford. You feel:
A. Happy. Your sister looks happy, so you should be, too.
B. Pleased. Your friend looks pleased, so you should be, too.
C. Content. White dresses and black three-piece suits are not clothes you are inclined to; perhaps the day will come where you, too, will be wearing a black suit and standing at the altar, but that day is not today. Instead, you know that they are in God’s good hands and step back - you have done your duty well.
D. Nervous. She has expressed that she is worried - and they are not the simple butterflies of a bride-to-be. You should be, too.
iv. (1 pt.) On your first day of enlistment, you sat next to him and studied anatomy together. Now, your brother-in-law unholsters one steel ball, and you unholster both. In the end, it doesn’t matter; one does the trick, and you’ve gotten what you came here for. An eye for an eye. Which part(s) break? Select all that apply.
A. The cornea.
B. The iris.
C. The optic nerve.
D. The skull.
E. The brain. Unlucky thirteen satellites - he’s dead.
v. (1 pt.) An eye for an eye and a life for a life - you pay for his death with your own life. After leaving Naples - no, you will not call it an escape, not because it wasn’t one but because you would never suffer that kind of indignity - you decide to go:
A. To the Kingdom of Two Sicilies. (The king does not want you there.)
B. To Vatican City. (God does not want you there.)
C. To Europe. (Your honor does not want you there.)
D. To America. (You’ll be a new man.)
five. (1 pt. Extra credit.) God is:
A. Merciful. It is through His grace and His grace alone that you are still alive; that your head is still on your shoulders and your sister’s, hers.
B. A golden calf. The people of Naples are foolish for believing in Him, and so are you; your sister will be dead within the year if left alone.
C. Hypocritical.
D. A betrayer.
E. Mortal. Your honor dictates thus so - if you could kill again, it would be (H)him, blasphemy be damned.
vi. (1 pt.) The morning sky is a child’s haphazard splattering of rain against a backdrop of dreary gray, and the port master’s attitude appears to be equally as lackadaisical. He sneers a smile full of shattered teeth at your broken English - but waves you along nonetheless. America calling! Choose your mode of transportation:
A. Steamship.
B. Airplane.
C. Those haven’t been invented yet, dummy.
D. Oh, sorry.
E. Steamship? Godspeed.
vii. (1 pt.) The tides of change usher the HMS Oedipus into the South Street Seaport, just as the winds of change usher a new president into the White House. The year is 1889; you find yourself before Valentine, yet another hopeful misfit seeking the pittance of a man far beyond his own station. He asks: Who are you?
A. Wekapipo, an exile from the Kingdom of Naples; duty-bound to serve the United States; blood-bound to find stability for yourself; and honor-bound to live, fight, and die for the greater good.
B. Wekapipo, a practitioner of the Spin- What’s that? he interjects. You explain. You have no sword but you’re still good with a steel ball; and it’s those last two words, steel ball, that seal the deal. You’re thirty years old, a far cry from the young man of twenty-five you left behind in Naples; those five years feel like waiting an eternity and now - although neither of you know it yet - you will only need to wait one more year.
C. What?
D. Wekapipo.
E. Nobody. (This is the correct answer.)
viii. (1 pt.) You enter Valentine’s service. You meet them all; you tolerate few. Who will you smoke cigarettes with?
A. Dr. Ferdinand, who makes you pay for the cigarettes while he scrounges through the daily newspaper for any information on the newest archaeology discoveries. Can an educated man be foolish?
B. Ringo Roadagain, who is the only one that actually owns cigarettes.
C. Mike O., who is constantly at the First Lady’s side, but whose sobriety and politeness you take an actual liking to.
D. Blackmore, who is soft-spoken but hardly innocent; he takes a drag from the cigarette with ease.
E. The Eleven Men, who are the only ones that scare you a little as they clamor to swipe eleven cigarettes out of the crumpled box in your hand.
ix. (1 pt.) Pork Pie Hat Kid goes missing. Dr. Ferdinand is killed. Ringo Roadagain is killed. Blackmore is killed. Sandman is killed. You are sent into the battlefield a week after the Eleven Men depart, alongside a madman - wild hair and an easy smile. He asks: Who are you, really?
A. Wekapipo. And you? (You’ve forgotten his name.)
B. Nunya.
C. Nunya?
D. Nunya business. Hahahaha.
E. You do not laugh. (You don’t even understand the joke.)
four. (1 pt. Extra credit.) Do you believe in this cause?
A. Yes. In a way, you are still fighting for god - perhaps you will earn salvation from him. Perhaps you will even see your sister again.
B. Yes. You are on the winning side - that is belief enough.
C. No. In your heart of hearts, you know that there is no higher power that would ever allow a man like Valentine to go unpunished.
D. No. You have not won yet.
x. (1 pt.) The bite of the Michigan wind whittles Magenta Magenta down in four days and your own dwindling faith in god down in five. When it rains, it pours; and as the rain turns to sleet turns to snow, you huddle together under the same quilted blanket. He drips snot everywhere - disgusting. He makes a pass at you - even more disgusting. You:
A. Turn the other way. The gaping darkness of the surrounding forest is stifling but Magenta - him, as a person, a whole concept - is downright suffocating. You’re not sure if the cold will kill you first, or maybe he will. You’re not sure if you will kill him first. You don’t want to think about it.
B. Ignore him.
C. Snap back. You don’t like to argue, though.
D. By god, he is relentless.
E. But you don’t say no.
xi. (1 pt.) He laughs - friendly, flirtatious - at your hesitance. It is cold, to say the least - but Magenta’s eyes are terrifyingly warm. Do you kiss him?
A. Yes.
B. Of course you do. Your fate has already been written.
three. (1 pt. Extra credit.) Are you in love, you idiot?
A. ███
B. Of course not.
Michigan happens; the bullet comes back down; Magenta falls and does not get back up. He has no left eye but you have a new duty. This is not a question.
two. (1 pt. Extra credit.) Why do you hate him?
A. Because he reminds you of your sister - frustrating but kind, too kind, blinded (ha!) by loyalty and faith towards a man that has never been able to keep even a single promise. Left eye right eye - only the good are flung away from your downward spiral with their life and a damaged left side, a far better fate than a dead right. (You yourself had been quite close to the former, but that was six years ago in a sunny land and you’ve fallen very far since then.)
B. Because he reminds you of yourself - duty-bound to serve the United States; blood-bound to no one - at least, not anymore; and honor-bound to live, fight, and die for his own unfathomable principles. You both throw your lives into the hands of the other; you both throw your lives into the hands of a greater power and pray-hope that this time, maybe things will turn out better than the last. (You both devour the scraps of life, chew on its leftover bones underneath a dinner table surrounded by rich, powerful men far beyond your comprehension; he is just barely alive, as are you.)
C. Because he loves you.
D. Because you-
E. Because your duty and your blood and your honor lead you to Philadelphia instead. (But you never hated him, not really.)
one. (1 pt. Extra credit.) You think of him. He’s probably very cold right now. Will you go back?
A. You will not go back.
xii. (1 pt.) Merry Christmas! Your present arrives three days late and is delivered on a stagecoach instead of a sled; you find each other again, or rather you find a half-dead Steven Steel and Magenta finds you. You are:
A. Relieved. He’s alive - Diego kept his promise - and, by the looks of it, Magenta’s been doing quite well for himself. Michigan’s snow hadn’t taken nearly as much of a toll on him as you’d feared; physically, he’s a far cry from the emaciated body you were expecting. As for the blistering fury in his movements as he picks up the gun - it’s practically comforting at this point.
B. Horrified. The dynamite doesn’t scare you as much as his face; it’s cadaverous, what with his hollow cheeks and stark cheekbones giving his face a skeletal quality. And his eye - you see your sister in his eye. You see betrayal in his eye.
C. Content. It was going to happen eventually. You and him are one and the same; and birds of a feather flock together, carrion birds seeking out the eyes and flesh and lives of those that have wronged them.
D. Angry. You’ve done everything you could to keep him away from this conflict - and yet, he’s thrown it all away, the ungrateful bastard. One of you must die here; but it cannot be you, because you still have a debt to fulfill and a young girl to protect. So there’s really only one option.
xiii. (1 pt.) Thirteen stars and thirteen stripes - the flag of freedom, and yet you've always been bound more to honor. Honor guides you away from the United States, just as it has guided you away from Naples. It ushers you to the side of Diego Brando and into a godless alley in the middle of Philadelphia; or perhaps this is indeed the will of god, a final chance of penance for all the betrayal and blood on your hands. Circle the correct analogy. Diego is to you as:
A. A rock is to a rock.
B. An apple is to an orange.
C. A man of lies is to a man of honor.
D. In the end, none of the above matter.
E. An alive man is to dust. (This is the correct answer.)
xiv. (1 pt.) Does death hurt?
A. No. You’re a soldier - of course it doesn’t.
B. No. You’re a man - men do not cry.
C. No. You died a long time ago - the castle grounds of Naples, the Port of Southampton, the Michigan snowfields, but not at Independence Hall.
D. Yes. (It hurts quite a bit, actually.)
zero. (0 pts. No credit.) You think of him. Will you go back?
A. You cannot go back.
END.