Chapter Text
Tony rolled out of his and Steve's shared bed, dreading the day that followed. The entire team- including Fury, Coulson, and Loki- were going camping. Which is a terrible idea on it's own because to Tony Stark's dismay, there is hardly ever wifi. Steve was already awake and disturbingly cheery. "Morning. Want your coffee?" Steve offered his lover a cup and Tony took it greedily. He gulped it down and Steve already had another cup waiting. Steve smiled and poured another cup, even though Tony was taking his time with this one. "You gonna be ready soon? Fury wants us to leave in an hour."
"That's insane. The whole idea is horse crap." Tony said rubbing his sleep coated eyes and looking at his partner.
"Well, I'm ready and gonna head down and see if they need help." Steve kissed the top of Tony's head and left the room, two suitcases in tow, one for himself and one for Tony.
Downstairs Coulson had packed the van they'd rented. It seated the 9 that were attending... respectively. Somebody had to sit in the back with the equipment. At least by his calculation someone did. "Need some help?" Steve called out seeing the two agents. "That's a lot just for a night of camping." He said seeing the back stuffed with bags and tents and pots and pans.
"Well somebody is gonna have to sit back here."
"Oh, I'm pretty sure Tasha will gladly take her seat on Barton's lap so I don't believe seating is a problem."
"Have you seen any of the others? We're leaving in 45."
"Just Tony, but I'll go find them for you." Steve left his bags with his bosses and they tied them securely to the top of the van.
A few minutes later, Clint and Natasha came out, holding hands, both looking more tired than the other. "Let's get this over with." Clint said, his sunglasses covering his blood-shot tired eyes. He crawled in and Phil explained the situation. Without a word Natasha slid onto her boyfriends lap and buckled them in.
After that, out came Bruce with a small tote. He smiled and greeted the bosses and crawled in beside the two lovers, suddenly regretting getting there so soon. Moments later, out emerged Thor with brother Loki in tow. They both took a seat. Loki one seat in-front of Thor (the middle row of seats) and Thor claiming the window seat eagerly beside Bruce holding boxes upon boxes of poptarts on his lap.
"You're not bringing those." Fury said coming up to Thor who was smiling happily.
"Yes I am." Thor said giving them a loving pat.
"Just put them in the back." Loki said rubbing his temples. Even for a Norse god 7 AM was too early.
Steve came out of the building next. "Tony is being a brat." Steve said taking a seat in the middle beside Loki, leaving one more seat for Tony.
"I am not." Tony said appearing and climbing in next, "You just don't understand my logic about how stupid this trip really is."
"Just buckle in and we'll be on our way on this 'stupid trip'." Fury said slamming the door beside Tony and climbing into the drivers seat. Clouson slid into shotgun and that's when it all started.
"Why's he get shotgun?" Tony piped up crossing his arms.
"Because he's my agent." Fury said starting the engine.
"That's favoritism and frankly, I don't like it." Tony said gazing at the road as they pulled onto the highway. Fury didn't respond, he already knew this was going to be a very very long drive.
"Stop touching me." Coulson heard Bruce say from the very back of the van.
"I am only touching to see if you will get angered to get us out of this situation." Thor said as he ripped open a pop tart packet.
"I told you to put those in the back." Loki said whipping around in his seat.
"Watch your butt there." Steve said leaning onto Tony to get the Asgardian ass out of his face. Tony smirked and began to play with his cell phone.
"Maybe if Thor would put them up..." Clint said picking his glasses up so Thor could see the bird-man's eyes. Thor whimpered a little and closed the box back up, turning and putting the box in the back of the van. "Thank you." Natasha smirked and started playing with the AC vent.
"Wouldja knock it off?" Clint asked annoyed after a few minutes. Natasha gave him a stern look. "Oh no, that's not gonna work." Clint replied nervously trying to stand his ground.
"You guys watch out, I'm getting annoyed as it is." Bruce said shoving his earbuds into his ears.
"You guys really thought it was a great idea to get Mr. Anger Issues onto a cramped van for 4 hours?" Tony asked. Coulson flipped on the radio annoyed. Then quickly back off more annoyed than he was to begin with because there was not a single decent song on.
"Turn that back on Agent." Fury said giving him a look. Coulson did as he was told and regretted it, "I beez in the trap beez beez in the trap." Nick sang aloud. When Loki caught wind of what the song was, he joined in.
Tony gave the two a grossed out look, he, like most if not all the Avengers (and Loki), hated this Minaj girl. "What's this song even about?" Steve asked confused. Fury whipped around in his seat still managing to drive perfectly straight.
"It's about you needing to shut the fuck up while I'm singing Captain." he turned around and happily kept going. Loki continued as well, Thor cheering him on. Tony patted Steve's thigh.
"Can we play a game?" Thor called out.
"Can we not interrupt my song?" Fury replied gripping the steering wheel. 3 hours to go, just 3 more hours.
"I need to pee." Loki said just as the annoying song ended.
"Well too bad,you interrupted my song."
"I need to pee too." Natasha called out.
"Yeah, lets stop, if we don't go, I'll be soaked too." Clint added.
"There's a rest stop. Please?" Steve asked trying to be polite even after Fury using profanity towards him. Nick only grunted in response and pulled onto the shoulder. He parked the van and everyone filled out. Loki and Natasha rushed inside, nudging and elbowing each other to get in the main door first. Natasha won. Steve and Tony walked to the bathroom hand in hand, Tony released the grip to buy from the candy machine.
Thor found a candy machine too and coaxed 5 dollars out of Coulson, promising to share candy with him.
Bruce sauntered off to drink water and use the restroom.
Coulson and Fury waited by the van. Neither had to use the restroom and never had any of the agents or Avengers even seen the two of them take a bathroom break. Steve returned to the van first. He was munching on some trail mix. "Care for any?" He politely offered the two agents, they both declined and he took a seat in the very back where Thor had been seated. Loki came out next, he carried a small juice box and climbed into the back with Steve. Closely behind followed Clint who took the final seat in the back with Steve and Loki.
Thor emerged from the restrooms arms full of those free soaps some have and candy bars that he gave 3 to Coulson. He took a seat in the middle row, in the middle seat. Then came Natasha who carried nothing with her. Last was Tony, of course, 10 minutes after the woman. He took the last seat, right infront of Steve. "I like the new seating arrangements." Tony said and buckled in. Everyone in turn buckled up and they took off.
"Wait, wait, Fury. We forgot the big guy." Natasha said realizing, they'd left Bruce behind. Fury sighed angrily and turned back around. They found Bruce sitting motionless on a bench outside of the rest stop. Coulson got out and gathered Bruce who carried Trail Mix like Steve. Natasha squeezed into the back with her man, Loki, and Steve. Once agaian they took off.
"Can we play a game now?" Tony questioned just as they got on the highway.
"Sure. We can play: NO." Fury said shaking his head slightly.
"How do you play that?" Loki asked curious.
"It's when everyone stays quiet and doesn't play a game." Coulson added, reading his bosses thoughts.
"That doesn't make any sense, why don't we just play I-Spy?" Steve asked happily. Everyone nodded.
"I'll start, I-Spy something, tall." Tony said smirked a little. Nobody had a guess, "it's a human."
"Is it Bruce?" Natasha asked smiling herself.
"No. I-spy something that is tall, human, and in this van with us." Tony added getting annoyed nobody has guessed yet.
"Is it I?" Loki asked putting his hand on his chest. Tony shook his head no with a disgusted look.
"2 and a half more hours." Fury huffed under his breath.
"Is it Mr. Fury?" Thor asked feeling Triumphant. Tony nodded.
"I-Spy something white." Thor said smiling and looking at everyone. Everyone looked around, "white surrounded by black and yellow." Thor added confidently.
"The road." Clint said bored, "dammit, can't we play anything else?"
"We could play, shut up." Fury answered. Everyone did for a few minutes before speaking again.
"Can we stop and get food?" Loki asked slowly.
"Ask someone for a candy bar, you all got so much junk." Coulson replied finishing one of the three Thor gave him in return for money.
"Or, you could all just go the fuck to sleep and we'd get there a whole lot faster." Nick said rubbing his left temple and resting his elbow on the arm rest. Everyone snickered a little and kept talking, "we can only hope for silence agent." he added looking to Coulson.
"Well sir, I do believe Banner has fallen asleep, so that's one down." Coulson turned to make sure, and he was correct, "Tony is dozing off so that'll calm things down substantially."
Steve looked around the van awkwardly then glanced at Tony's phone. Nearly 10, so another hour.
"Can we play the game of Karaoke? i believe my brother has the cd." Thor said happy and handing Coulson the disc. Nick looked at the disc and it read: 90's Greatest.
"Fine. Fine!" Fury replied shaking his head in disbelief. "This is going to be the longest hour of my life."
"Just wait sir, I'm sure it'll get worse." Coulson added as the cd began.
"I'll start!" Tony said with a sudden burst of energy. The song was the Backstreet Boys with "I Want It That Way". Both Coulson and Fury shuddered as Stark began. He serenaded Steve, even though his terrible singing voice sounded more like a cat murder. Steve was holding back rippling laughter like the rest of them, even though Tony was positive he was doing astounding.
The next song, Thor new and sang. This song was the classic "Baby One More Time". Thor enthusiastically sang along with elaborate hand gestures. Steve knew this song too so he was doing backup between laughing historically. Loki sang the second verse and Thor allowed him. It was a beautifully deafening time. Tony couldn't help but record it. The whole thing.
This went on until Steve took over. His song was the last on the record and 10 minutes before they reached the campsite, "Acky Breaky Heart." Fury couldn't take the horrible screeching of Steve's voice trying to mimic Cyrus, off-beat too, so he ejected the disc.
"We're almost there, get your shit together." he said turning onto a dirt road with a tiny farm house in the distance.
"If there's some blond hillbilly kid sitting on the front porch playing a banjo, we're leaving." Tony said as the road narrowed, the speed limit sign changed from 25 to 15 to 30 within 10 feet of each other.