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Her guts churn as she sits on the ground, unable to stop trembling. She can’t forget the moment she shot that man, nor his horrible, agonised screams when begging for his life.
To give him credit, Joel attempts to comfort her in his normal awkward, gruff way. And although the traumatic experience has left Ellie’s mind all fuzzy, making it difficult to concentrate, she hears Joel say one thing.
“I know what it's like...” Joel says, obviously trying his hardest to talk about this, but lacking the social skills to talk effectively about death with a teenager who just saved his life, “first time that you, uh, hurt... someone like that.”
Ellie almost laughs despite the tears burning behind her eyes, her stomach bubbling with nausea until she nearly throws up. It’s kind of fucking sweet how innocent he seems to think she is, and so Ellie corrects him by muttering, “It wasn't my first time.”
And just thinking about the first time she killed leaves her fighting the urge to retch, memories of the mall and an Infected and Riley flashing through her mind. For a moment, she’s back there, watching Riley twitch and move toward her, letting out an inhuman screech and staring at Ellie with blank eyes. Her memories of that event are jumbled, probably due to her grief and terror at the time, but Ellie remembers sobbing and begging Riley to stop, before finally grabbing Riley’s fallen gun and aiming at the girl she loved as she pulled the trigger…
And even as Joel teaches her to use a gun and entrusts her to keep one, Ellie can’t stop thinking about the man screaming for his mom and an infected Riley attempting to tear her apart, trying to stop shaking and willing herself not to puke.